Latest / Carmedy / Episode 11.5 - Federal Crimes & OnlyFans

Transcript

Episode 11.5 - Federal Crimes & OnlyFans · Carmedy

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: What's up everyone?
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Carmody Podcast where comedy meets your slash my commute.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I am your host Dave Thompson.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is episode 11.5 And look, here's the deal.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I've been so busy, I've been so busy, I hadn't been able to do an episode, the second episode last week.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'll just be honest and up front with you.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was busy.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: I had so much stuff going on and shows going on.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Crazy stuff going on.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I just I had to I had to just take a breathing, okay?
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: This is this is the episode, and then you got the 30-minute episode coming out as well.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna get that done too.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna get it all done.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, but let's talk about some things.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: First and foremost, the heat wave comedy tour has been absolutely electric.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: We had a packed show on Friday last week at Dark Helmet Tattoo in Temecula.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: That was an amazing show.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then last night we had another packed out night at the industry uh downtown Redlands, and that was also amazing.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: So, shout out everybody for coming out.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: We're very excited about the Thursday show in Joshua Tree, and we also have tickets still available for the Menaphy shows Friday and Saturday this week, which are gonna be freaking awesome.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, yes, yes, and yes.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: Pretty cool.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: So, let's talk about some things.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: First and foremost, did you know you can get arrested for stuff that has to do with the post office?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: You can get arrested.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Did you know?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna tell you a scenario and then you can see if you think this is insane.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I think this is insane.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Did you know if you get one of their priority mail boxes that they give to you for free, and you take that box, you put something in that box to ship, you close that box and tape it, then you wrap it in wrapping paper.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Wrap it in wrapping paper, and then try and ship it USPS ground instead of priority?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Did you know you can get arrested for that?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can get arrested for sending a USPS priority box USPS ground?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Did you know that?
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Did you know that you could get a fine of up to five thousand dollars and get arrested?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Did you know that?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my goodness.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't even know that, did you?
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: You guys better be careful, cause we almost got in big trouble over here in the Thompson household.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: We almost got got and I was like, babe, if you would have went to prison you wrapped up a box to save$17, I would have freaked the frick out.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: But also, make dare I say, what a bit.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: What an absolute bit, dude.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Life is crazy.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Life is absolutely crazy.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: The show last night was awesome.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: The comics did amazing.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Shout out to Mike James.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Mike James, you guys don't know who that is.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Freaking incredibly funny comic out here in the Inland Empire.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: He absolutely murdered last night.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And there was a table of, dare I say, women, not ladies, women, that were talking about a lot of deviant sexual activities that they tend to do.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it got a little crazy, but the show was hilarious.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely stellar performances from each and every person on the absolute incredible lineup that was last night's show.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then today I'm out working and stuff today.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: I have the Ontario Improv Later, which I'm gonna go to and try and winstead of the night.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: But excuse me, sorry about that.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um I was at Target today.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: I just left Target, just just shopped in order at Target.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: I get up to the checkout, right?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I put all my stuff up on the belt.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: The lady who's at the register finishes checking out the person that's in front of me.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: She turns to me, hello, blah blah blah blah.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want bags?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I do.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, good.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: She loads every heavy item that I have, which is a lot.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: There was a lot of items that this person ordered that were in cans or sodas, like excuse me, those single can like probiotic uh sodas like Olipops, as well as a bunch of bottles of Gatorade, like the single purchase bottles, and she puts all of them, all of them.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in total, uh no exaggeration, there's like 15 bottles and or cans.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: She puts all of them in one single bag and then lifts it up, and she's like, uh oh, I think this one's gonna break.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-oh.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-oh.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, and but she just looked at me like, you do something about it.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm busy.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: You do something about it.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, freaking give me that.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Take it.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I'm gonna double bag it.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Cause I don't believe I don't freaking Okay, these bags piss me the frick off.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't trust any of these freaking grocery bags that give you these stupid freaking paper grocery bags because it makes me wanna go light someone's house on fire.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Makes me wanna go light someone's house on fire and jump up on their pool table and dance with my clothes off.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: In the flames.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: In the absolute flames.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Just swinging it.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And by it, I mean my cheeks.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: And by my cheeks, I mean my face cheeks.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Drives me absolutely up the wall.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I double bag this stuff, I re-put it back in there.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: And and I'm doing the work for her.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: She just gives me the rest of the items to bag.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: She's not bagging anything anymore.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: And you guys, I look over at her because she's on her phone.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's a giant iPhone, okay?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: I have a crappy iPhone, like many, many years ago, this iPhone came out.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: She she has probably one that's a newer one, I'm assuming.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: But it was huge.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Big iPhone.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And on that big iPhone is OnlyFans.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the cashier at My Target was responding to horny messages on OnlyFans.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Out in the open.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: She was not hiding it, she was not concealing it, she did not have a screen protector thing on that made it so you couldn't see it.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Out in the open, she was responding to horny DMs whilst I was bagging the groceries for her.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: That is her job.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's at Target.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Target bags for you.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: She was responding to horny messages.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's what's going on with me.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna pause for one moment while I drop off this order.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Give me a sec.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Look, here's the deal, right?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the freaking deal.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I get it.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: She's making some money, trying to make some extra money.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: I am not God.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Do I think morally you should be on OnlyFans while at your job at Target?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Do I think you should be texting sweet nothings to these horny people whilst you're supposed to be bagging my cans of pumpkin pie filling?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: No, I don't.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: No, I don't.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: How rude of you to assume that I would just do the work for you so that you could text your little your little your little horny homeboys.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Your little horny homeboys.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's disgraceful.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's disgraceful.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: You don't do your job and you're doing your other job.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: You sicko.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Do that on your own time.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Do that on your own time.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Right now you work at Target.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Right now you work at Target.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody's asking you about feet picks at Target, sicko.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: You need to just just just bag my bag my items and get on to the next person.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: There's another person that was waiting for this to get done so that they could be checked out too.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: And you're messing around, you're frickin' around on your OnlyFans.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Just saying that kind of pissed me off.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then you ever have you ever be like kind of stewing from something, and then there's just stuff that just keeps happening?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: So then I get the I get the stuff, right?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, she gives me the receipts.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, have a nice day.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: I go outside and I hear yelling.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, what the frick is going on now?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I look, and there's a woman who just turned her RAV 4 into a handicap spot.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because I I saw her do it, right?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's a woman yelling at her from another vehicle.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: So two women, one's yelling at the other one, presumably because she took the handicap spot.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the deal: the one that turned into the spot doesn't have a handicap placard, nor do they have handicap stickers on their vehicle.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that because I was walking past it as the yelling was happening.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: The woman was yelling, you don't have handicap stickers, you can't park here.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then that woman who did park there got out of her car and said, I'm a marine, I can park wherever I want.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: She did, in fact, have a Semper Fi Marine sticker on the back of her vehicle, but no handicap stickers on the license plate, no handicap placard.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: And to be honest with you, because I saw her turn in, I saw there was no handicap sticker on the front plate.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: So she is parking there simply because she is a marine, allegedly.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I say allegedly, not because I don't believe her.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: She did look like she could be a marine.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: She definitely had that look about her.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know what kind of look I'm saying?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know what kind of look I'm saying?
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need to keep saying it, okay?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: She had that look about her, and then this other woman is yelling at her, shouting at her, maybe you would say, she's an older woman who has a handicapped placard sitting there on her mirror, ready to go.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the other woman is like, nah, I'm standing on business.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Go park in the back, you old peasant.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Your time's over.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Go park in the back, you old fart.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: You just lingering stench you freaking waste of space, old fart.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a moraine.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Frick you.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: If you were Iran, I'd blow you up.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Anger management's been working really well for me.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: It really has been.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Anger management is something that I'm very passionate about.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Taking deep breaths.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Let's do it together.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: You ready?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: One, two, three.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Taking deep breaths, calming down, relaxing.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's been working wonders for my body and my soul.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's been working wonders.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: It really has been.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um this has been great.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: This has been an absolute pleasure.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: I love getting to do the pod.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: I love the Car Medians.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you guys so much.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Shout out to all the faithful Car Medians.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: The last episode, 79, 79 hits already.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you guys so much for the love, for the support, for the listens, for the for the messages, for the requests, all those things.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's a small, little, tiny community, but it is but it is mighty.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you so much for being here.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's so insane to say that I have this really rad freaking uh podcast that I get to do where there's people that are real people that listen and they tune in each and every week.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you guys so much for that.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Amazing.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh send me a message.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: And who's in the right here?
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Am I in the right?
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: About the OnlyFans girl texting other people on on the job or am I am I am I tripping?
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like what's what's the deal?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: What's the deal?
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I wanted to go to Vegas at the end of this week uh to go to Call of Duty Championships, but I realized Call of Duty Championships is$115 a day?
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: What the frick?
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: $115 a day for four days?
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's$460.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's insane.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: If I wanted to spend$460, I'd go to the blackjack table and do$460.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Anybody with me?
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Any blackjack fans out there?
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: Gambling's fun, let me tell you.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Gambling's fun.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's crazy.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: You could not go to the casinos and be like, hey, I had a problem, but I'm not going to the casinos anymore.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: But then you're just at home on your phone, and now you can gamble from your phone.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so you can make some freaking huge bets, you can lose the house while you're sitting on the toilet having a number two.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's a little hobby I like to call Deuces Wild.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: You never know what's gonna happen with that deuce.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: Deuces wild.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Alright.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you guys so much for listening.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Dave Thompson.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Hope you guys have a wonderful night, have a wonderful day, have a wonderful evening, have a wonderful afternoon, have a wonderful whatever, and uh, we'll see you for episode 12 uh next time on the Carmody Pod.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: See ya, bye!