Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #977 The Not So Fond Farewell

Transcript

#977 The Not So Fond Farewell · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers Now.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: At the end of every week on the Happy Families Podcast,
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: Kylie and I reflect on what's gone right and what's
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: gone wrong. It's a bit where we get kind of personal.
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: We talk about our wins and our losses, our parenting
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: successes and failures, and you know what, it's not just
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: the end of the week. It's also pretty much the
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: end of the month. Couple with April's already mora l
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: less done. For twenty twenty four, we have a word
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: of the year. I have a word for me, Kylie
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: has Kylie, do you remember your word.
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  Speaker 1: For the year? I can't believe you're asking me. You
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  Speaker 1: think I've forgotten.
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  Speaker 2: Well, we just haven't talked about it for a while.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: I just wanted to make sure that you remember what
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  Speaker 2: was your word.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: My word was embraced, and just in case you were wondering,
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: your word was present.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: I'm totally you sed today because I was stretching a lie.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: I'm just kidding. I knew what it was. Let's do
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: a quick update. One of the things about saying I've
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: got a word for the year I'm going to focus
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: on it. When I was a kid, my mum had
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: us do this activity for New Years. We had to
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  Speaker 2: write our New Year's goals. We put them into sealed
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  Speaker 2: envelopes and we didn't open them for a year, and
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  Speaker 2: none of us achieved any of the goals that we
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  Speaker 2: set because we wrote them on a piece of paper,
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  Speaker 2: stuck them in an envelope, and forgot about them for
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: a year.
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  Speaker 1: I remember doing the same thing, and it's so funny
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  Speaker 1: looking back now thinking that somehow that was.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: Going to work. Yeah, you had no sense at all.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: So our word of the year, Yours is embrace. Mine
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  Speaker 2: is to be present. The whole idea is that we
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: need to reflect regularly on how we're going with that.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: So can we do a quick check in, like a
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: thirty second check in? How would you rate your performance
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  Speaker 2: on embrace in April?
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: I'm actually on a bit of a downer at the moment.
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: That was a long pause.
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  Speaker 1: I'm really I'm in a bit of a tricky spot.
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  Speaker 1: So I'm going to say that as a result, I'm
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  Speaker 1: wrestling and I'm not embracing as much as I could.
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  Speaker 2: It's kind of a funny one, if you ask me,
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  Speaker 2: because this is that situation where people say, you're supposed
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: to embrace your challenge, You're supposed to run headlong at
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: your difficulties. We're supposed to be leaning in. And that
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  Speaker 2: all sounds really good when you're reading it on an
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  Speaker 2: inspirational Instagram post, but in real life, it's really hard
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  Speaker 2: to do that.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: But we'll talk about that a bit later.
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  Speaker 2: We've got some old do Better Tomorrow inspo coming up,
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: some lean in perhaps coming up. After all, Well, I'm
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: going to give myself a ten a ten, I'm going
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: to give myself a ten. I feel like I'm nailing
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: it at the moment in terms of being present, and
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  Speaker 2: that comes down to a couple of decisions that I've
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  Speaker 2: made to change the way that I'm working and living
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: my life. Over the years, I've watched friends and read
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: articles about people who kind of say we're going to
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: change the way we live. They're not going off the
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: grid or anything, but maybe both parents decide to work
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: part time or reduced hours. They decide that they're going
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: to put lifestyle ahead of chase the dollar. And I've
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: always looked at that and said, how can you afford
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: to do that? But something that I've realized is that
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  Speaker 2: there's never going to be enough money no matter how
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  Speaker 2: hard you work. And one thing I'm learning as i'm
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: getting older, like I'm fifty next year, is that there
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  Speaker 2: is not enough time. And so I've decided to just
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: take more time. And that means that we have sufficient
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: for our needs. But we're certainly, especially if I continue
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: doing what I'm doing, never going to be wealthy by
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: any stretch. But my interest now is in spending time
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  Speaker 2: with you and the kids and creating a sense of lifestyle.
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  Speaker 2: And so I've been really present with the kids when
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: i'm with them, with you, when I'm with you. I've
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  Speaker 2: started taking extra time out for me to do the
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: things that I love. And I'm also finding that by
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: doing all of those things, it forces me to be
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: more present at work because I've got a little bit
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: less time for work. So I'm loving the change. It's
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: only a week old. I don't know how long it
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  Speaker 2: will last or if I can sustain the change because
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  Speaker 2: I am historically a workaholic, but I'm going to give
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: myself mega points. I'm feeling really good about things. Anyway.
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  Speaker 2: We should get on with our older better tomorrow, because
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  Speaker 2: that's enough naval gazing and introspection for now, Kylie, you
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  Speaker 2: or me first, and what's gone right or what's gone wrong?
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  Speaker 2: Who's up?
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  Speaker 1: Well, I'll go You're obviously on a pretty big high
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  Speaker 1: at the moment, so let's get the Debbie downer out
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: of the way. Oh really, and then we can finish
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: on a high. Last week we talked about the fact
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: that we farewelled baby number three. Having gone through this
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  Speaker 1: three times now, I'm really surprised at just how hard
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  Speaker 1: this one's hit. And for those of you who think
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  Speaker 1: she's my favorite, she is not. There was so much
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: about her that I was looking forward to not having
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  Speaker 1: to miss anymore. She has driven me crazy in so
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  Speaker 1: many ways. But it's been a really emotional week as
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  Speaker 1: I've just kind of realized that she's not here, and
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  Speaker 1: I've been thinking about that and trying to work out
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  Speaker 1: why it's hit so hard this time. And I don't
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  Speaker 1: really know, but I think when I think back to
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  Speaker 1: the the two oldest girls, they were really ready to
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: move on with their lives, and they had already kind
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  Speaker 1: of asserted their independence even though they were still living
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: at home, and so for them to leave was just
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  Speaker 1: a natural progression. To the way that our relationship had
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  Speaker 1: had developed, whereas Ella was just so happy to be
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: at home, she was so much an integral part of
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  Speaker 1: the fabric of the way the family functioned and worked.
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  Speaker 1: And I just feel like there's this giant hole in
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  Speaker 1: my heart and I really really missed her, and so
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  Speaker 1: that's kind of tainted my whole week, and it's just
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  Speaker 1: been this snowball effect as my heart hurts because she's gone,
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  Speaker 1: and we've lost our babysitter and we've lost our extra driver.
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  Speaker 2: I've really missed us. I didn't realize very lot on
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  Speaker 2: us so much.
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  Speaker 1: Our parents run on and so it really has fallen
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  Speaker 1: all back on me, and I'm feeling a Trap's not
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  Speaker 1: the right word. I don't know the right words to
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  Speaker 1: use right now, but it just feels a lot. I
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  Speaker 1: have these two beautiful girls at home homeschooling with me
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: at the moment, and some days are magic and other
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  Speaker 1: days are just so hard. And I'm watching you live
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  Speaker 1: your best life at the moment, and while I don't
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  Speaker 1: resent it, and I love that you, after twenty five years,
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: are starting to get it and are actually trying to
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: find a level. Balance is not the right word, but
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  Speaker 1: you're trying to find a level of satisfaction in your
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: life that has not been there previously. I guess it's
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: just really highlighting how much of that is lacking in
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  Speaker 1: my life right now, and that's making it hard.
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  Speaker 2: To I recall when our elder still have moved out.
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  Speaker 2: The grief, there's no other word for it. We really
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  Speaker 2: grieved the x of this girl from our family and
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  Speaker 2: from our home. I mean, obviously always part of our family,
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  Speaker 2: but she was gone, she wasn't part of the house anymore.
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  Speaker 2: The way that that impacted us was I think really substantial.
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  Speaker 2: It was really significant. And while I'm not feeling the
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  Speaker 2: same way that you are, I'm just delighted that she's
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: where she is, doing what she is. I've watched it
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  Speaker 2: really rest heavily on you, and I'll tell you what,
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  Speaker 2: I can't believe how much we relied on her as well.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, she was wonderful, wonderful in terms of the
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  Speaker 2: way she helped us. Drivers crazy in so many ways,
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  Speaker 2: but absolutely wonderful. And so I get it. That grief
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  Speaker 2: is real. So that's your older better tomorrow. Is there
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  Speaker 2: a take home message in that? Or was this really
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  Speaker 2: just an opportunity for you to share that you miss
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  Speaker 2: our baby girl. And kids do grow up, they become adults,
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  Speaker 2: they fly the nest.
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  Speaker 1: I think it's really just an acknowledgment that there's ebbs
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  Speaker 1: and flows in life. Two years ago, when we first
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  Speaker 1: moved up here, I was living, literally living my best life.
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  Speaker 1: You were, and now I'm kind of down in a lull.
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  Speaker 1: I'm down in the valley again. But that's part of life.
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  Speaker 1: And I know that I won't be here forever, and
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  Speaker 1: I know that I won't even necessarily be here for long.
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  Speaker 1: But the reality is that right now that's exactly where
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  Speaker 1: I am, and I just have to ride it. It
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  Speaker 1: will pass. But right now I'm just letting my heart
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  Speaker 1: be a little bit sad.
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  Speaker 2: You know, you've just reminded me of something that I
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  Speaker 2: heard years ago, and it's really deep and really profound,
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  Speaker 2: and you've just brought it straight to mind for me.
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  Speaker 2: You can't live on top of the mountain. I heard
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  Speaker 2: someone once say we were over in the US, we
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: were in the Rocky Mountains. We had some friends that
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: were there, and I literally said, these mountains are incredible.
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  Speaker 2: Why does everyone live so far down on the mountains?
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  Speaker 2: And they highlighted that it's too risky and you can't
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  Speaker 2: stay up there, and the weather can turn bad and
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  Speaker 2: you can't live on top of the mountain. But then
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  Speaker 2: something else that I heard was, it's in the valleys
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  Speaker 2: where the water flows. It's in the valleys where that
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  Speaker 2: clear water is, and where the fruit and the vegetau
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  Speaker 2: and the sustenance is. We go up to the mountains,
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  Speaker 2: we enjoy the heights, we enjoy the goodness, but it's
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  Speaker 2: in the valley that we get the nutrition and the
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  Speaker 2: sustenance and what we require to live.
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  Speaker 1: Life is full of ebbs and flows. We have these
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  Speaker 1: amazing highs and that feels so good, but eventually we
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  Speaker 1: have to come off the mountaintop. Yeah, and we have
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  Speaker 1: to sit in those hard places. But the great thing
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  Speaker 1: is life. Experience teaches me time and time again that
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  Speaker 1: those valleys they don't last forever.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, well, let's dive into my I'll do better tomorrow
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  Speaker 2: and I'll share a couple of things. I want to
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: share more than one thing today. I can't help myself.
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  Speaker 2: Just want to dive in and share a couple of things.
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  Speaker 2: So I read an email just recently from James Clear.
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: James Clear wrote that wonderful book Atomic Habits. I'm the
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: kind of person who removes every email I can, as
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: often as I can from my inbox. I don't subscribe
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: to things, but James Clear's email is brilliant. I absolutely
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: love it. And every week when it arrives, to use
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: your word, kindie, I embrace the email. Well, I get
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: it to the newsletter. I just love it. And about
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: a week ago, two weeks ago, he said, if you
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: already live a comfortable life, then choosing to make more
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: money but live a worst daily life is a bad trade.
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: And yet we talk ourselves into it all the time.
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  Speaker 2: We take promotions that pay more but swallow our free time.
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: We already have a successful business, but we break ourselves
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: trying to make it even more successful. Too much focus
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: on wealth, not enough focus on lifestyle. Now we're dealing
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: with cost of living pressures that have never been so great,
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: well well certainly not in our lifetime. We're dealing with
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: high inflation, high mortgages, high rant, lots of income, and
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: financial stress. But in spite of that, I looked at
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: what we do in our business and I thought, this
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: is a good business, and we do good things, and
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  Speaker 2: I'm grateful to be able to do it. And over
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: the years, I've worked so hard. I've worked so hard
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  Speaker 2: to even be able to do literally to be able
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: to earn a penny doing what we do. And it's
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: occurred to me that working harder isn't necessarily making a difference.
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: And so in the last week, even though you've been flat,
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: I've decided that I'm going to have a bit more.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: Like you said, balance, I guess I'm spending more time
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: with you. I'm spending more time with the kids. I've
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: been spending a lot more time surfing because the surf
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: has been pumping, and I feel like I've just had
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: the week of my life. It's been so so wonderful,
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: and that means that we're forgoing a whole lot of things.
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: I'm supposed to have a book to the publisher. If
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: my publisher is listening right now, I'm so sorry that
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: you're finding out publicly. My book supposed to be at
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: the publisher sort of at the end of this month.
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: Next month. I'm not quite sure when it's going to
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: be written. Because I keep on sacrificing everything so that
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: I can do more work, and the work that I
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: do matter is so much that I love it. Nevertheless,
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: the shift, like I said, watching people go from five
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: days to four days or five days to three days,
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: and sharing different ways that they can keep the household
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: afloat but have more lifestyle. I feel like I'm just
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: studying to get glimpse of what it is, and it
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: feels really good. So that's my first thing. But unfortunately, Kylie,
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: I'm going to continue.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: Well, it sounds like life's pretty good. I'm interested to
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: hear what number two is.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: You will recognize number two when I play this chord
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: blue Hood. Last week I got a ten out of ten.
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: You got a ten out of ten because we went
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: to Chris Isaac. I watched the guy live in concert
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: at Cinama Winery day on the green in that what's
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: it called Mount Cotton in Brisbane's southeast and.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: I sat in the pouring rain, Oh my.
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: Go for two and a half hours. You sat there
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: wearing a pink poncho while Chris Isaac serenaded how many
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: thousand people? I've been a fan of this guy for decades,
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: just always loved Chris ISAC's music. First time I've ever
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: gotten to see him. You don't really love live concerts.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: You don't really love being outdoors in the rain in
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: a pink poncho. But I got the tickets, you said
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: you'd come along.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: I love music, don't get me wrong. I love music.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: I just don't love sharing it with a bajillion other people.
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: And we sat there in spite of the fact that
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: you didn't love the whole thing, you were there for me,
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: and I just I want to acknowledge what you did,
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: especially since you're not feeling awesome about life at the
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: moment anyway, The fact that you sacrificed your preferences, you
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: sacrifice the things that are important to you to come
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: along with me and sit. Can I just mention in
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: a third row right in the center of the stage
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: to watch Chris Isaac sing.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: We did have really good tickets.
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: And we got rained on for two hours NonStop. How
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: we did get where like buckets buckets, you know.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: The highlight for me was that after he sang his
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: opening song, he literally grabbed an umbrella and then ran
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: into the crowd and sang the next two songs. Literally
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: sang the next two songs in under an umbrella in
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: the pouring raine.
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: Just feeling what we're in the seats. Yeah, that's right. Yeah,
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: great stuff. So I just wanted to highlight that because
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: I want to give you credit. It was a really
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: it was a really big deal and I appreciated so
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: much that you were there. So Kylie, that's pretty much
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: my older better tomorrow, and that is that we can
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: find balance. We actually can find balance, even if it
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: means sitting in the rain and listen to music sometimes.
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: And hopefully what we've shared has been helpful for you
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: as you've enjoyed the podcast and are trying to make
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: your family happier. The Happy Families podcast is produced by
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer,
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: and for more information about making your family happier, please
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: visit Happyfamilies dot com dot A. You have a great weekend.