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Transcript

S2 Ep20: Why Lying Stings Harder Than Cheating 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yo, what's good?
• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: What's going on?
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone good?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm I'm from England.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: I know, so I'm not the you know, I'm not the guy on the brochure.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's not me and my cousins with knives.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's like come London, bruv.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's nice to be.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I was gonna crack right into it.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, so I've been dating my girlfriend for two years, and yeah, I don't know.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I just look at her and go, I don't know about you.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: She's always smiling.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I go, why the fuck are you smiling?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm miserable.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I love you, yeah.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I know, that's part of the problem, isn't it?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: I think some of you are worried right now.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Relax, don't worry.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna do the right thing with my girlfriend.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I might just I might just ghost her.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: I think ghosting someone is kinder than breaking up with them.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Facts.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: I think ghosting someone is so much I did not expect that reaction from that lady of everyone here.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't expect lady to go exactly.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: You seem like such a nice lady.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Really?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: You disbelieve in that?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's so much nicer though, isn't it?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: So much nicer.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like they don't believe us.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, say like, what's your name?
• 1:14
  unknown: Pammy.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Pammy.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Say like me and you were dating, Pammy, and and and I break up with you and I tell you all the reasons why, like, Pammy, you fucking cold blooded.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I tell you all that shit.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like you gotta live with that.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: But if I ghost you, you and your girlfriends can come together and make up any reason you want.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: You can all come together with a bottle of wine and be like, you know he left because you're a queen.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: He left because he was intimidated.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's not because I woke up one morning and went yuck.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: That was the reason, in there.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: I love this reaction.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: You guys go, no, no.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Don't like the yuck stuff.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Just look at it, ugh.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you breathing so much?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Save some air for us.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I did that yuck line back in England in a place called Bristol when I got that reaction.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Not from Pammy, but from everyone else.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Got that reaction when started shouting at me.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Say horrible stuff to me, hurt my feelings, and that.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Started calling me toxic.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Me, I thought, but I was like, I ain't toxic, I'm just a cheeky boy.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not toxic.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think I'm toxic.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't think I'm toxic okay.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a I'm I'm okay.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm toxic.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm toxic, but I'm also sensitive.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Which is a weird mix.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm toxic but sensitive.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'ma cheat on you, but if you say you're gonna break up with me, I'll threaten to kill myself.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, do you know what I mean?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'll just call you on FaceTime for bottle of Advil.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Come on, babe, we're a team.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'ma get help.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I'm saying you get called cheating, isn't it?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Then by the fourth time, you're just like, ah, come on.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I get caught cheating, I always feel like when the bad guy gets caught in Scooby-Doo.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always like, man, I would have got away with this if it weren't for your pesky friends.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Nah, I don't cheat.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, alright, fair enough.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: No, I just, you know, I said I don't cheat and I expected the, you know, wow, you're a good guy.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying I deserve a medal, but like a, you know, a pat on the back, isn't it?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think that makes me a good guy.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't I don't cheat on my girlfriend and I and I want to.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that makes me.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: I don't cheat on my girlfriend.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I never cheat.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: I think cheating's wrong, and I think cheating's disgusting, I never cheat.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think fucking other women is cheating, but I don't.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, it's cheating.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's not it's cheating, but it's not the worst.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like my girlfriend always says, Oh, that's the worst.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think it's the worst.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: I think lying's worse than cheating.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: One guy, yeah.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: He's been trying to use that line seriously, isn't it?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no, babe, listen to the comic right now.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: He's saying some shit.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: But lying is worse than cheating, because when you lie to your partner, you're cheating them out who you really are.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I don't lie to my woman.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: I never lie.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Never lie.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Plus, I'm too old to lie.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: I can't have my girl burst in my room tomorrow with my phone in her hand talking about who's Nancy.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh, oh, I've got to tell her what it is, isn't it?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be like, Nancy, she's she's you in Dallas.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck do you want?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: And she reminds me of you.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I love you both.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we could.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I like about this audience.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Is when you laugh, you laugh, and when you don't, you just kind of sit there like, we'll wait for the next one, please.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, cheating's my new brand.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Nah, I don't actually cheat.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't cheat.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm too old to cheat.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm too old to keep up that lie.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel old too, and I feel that weird age because I'm 33.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Which is like a weird day.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Oh fuck, fuck off.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Just because my parents fucked after your parents.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Somewhere next.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: How old are you, bro?
• 5:34
  unknown: 33.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: 33 too.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: See, oh, that's why you have.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, I attacked you, but I didn't know you were relating to me.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: No, I didn't realize.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so sorry.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna chip that out and we're just gonna have me going, wow, that was that's cool.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: 33.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Hard age, innit, fam?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's like we're not we're not kids, but we're not old men.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: We're just you know what I mean.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm not a little kid, but I'm not an old man.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just right.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm at that point in life where I know what TikTok is, but I don't know why.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm there.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: I just look at my phone and go, it's too quick.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's all I say.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: What happened?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm scrolling back.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: What happened?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think I broke my TikTok.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Genuinely, I think I messed up the algorithm on my TikTok.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because your algorithm is meant to know who you are as a person, and for some reason, my algorithm thinks I'm an old uh racist white man, and I don't know why.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: It just sends me racist propaganda.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: And at first I was like, what's this shit?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then you know, it gets to one o'clock in the morning, and you know, you're looking at your TikTok and you go, Well, maybe there is too many coming.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't counted, uh it starts whispering to you, innit?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: It starts whispering at six o'clock in the morning, starts saying, Hey, hey, you know the face of the West is changing.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just looking at my phone like not on my fucking watch.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: It better not change.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: I swear to god, I have a riot, it better never change.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: I love the West, it better never change.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Then I see my reflection in the phone and I go, fuck, I think we've lost.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: I think we've lost the West to myself.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like that TikTok got racist.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like racism had a home on Facebook, and now they're trying to gentrify TikTok with their racism.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like it.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: We've lost Facebook, and we admit we've Facebook's gone.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, Facebook is for the race.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: I can't post nothing on Facebook.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Seriously, I just post a photo of me and a cat, and everyone's just messaging, like, but you couldn't have a cat in Islamabad.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm fucking from Islamabad.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: And now I'm Googling, can you have cat in Islamabad?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: And you can't have a cat, but I don't fucking know that because I've never been.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: And my grandma is on the front lines of Facebook, boy.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Are you mad?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: My grandma is frontline.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: She is pushing that propaganda on Facebook, man.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: We're trying to tell her to slow down, but she just she cannot stop.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want to be rude and say my grandma's like my grandma doesn't have racism in her heart, but it's in her bones, and she just has to say things.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm on TikTok.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because you have to be, you have to be on TikTok and you have to be on the social media.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because I want a career.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like you have to be on it.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like I don't want to be here.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like I wanna fly over here, guys.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: But you have to do it, you have to do it now.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't really, you know, don't really have like a like I I've been doing comedy now.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: I think I've been doing it for 10 years, and like there is no plan B.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like I like comedy, but I don't love it.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: But there's just nothing else.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like I have no transferable skills.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: I can't go in a job interview.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: So what we've been doing for the last 10 years, I've been telling pussy jokes.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, you know, we don't really need that right now with the Walmart family, but keep your CV on fire.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: There's only one job I think I could do.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's one career path I think I'll succeed.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: I I think I think I'm gonna join a gang.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm gonna see if the bloods are hiring.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna join a gang.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: I think I I think 33, I think that's a good age to join a gang.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: 33 is the best age.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know what the problem with gangs they join too young, 13, 14, that's too young.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: 33, good age.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's stuff I can handle at 33 that you can't handle at 14.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I know, say I go get like a kilo of coke off the dealer, and then I lose the pack.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Dealer phones me up, he goes, What?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck you mean you lost the pack, bruv?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: You owe me$20,000 by tomorrow, or you're dead.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be terrified.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: When am I gonna get$20,000 at 14 years old?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: But 33?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'll just I don't know, just get along from the bank.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck do I give a shit?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: My credit is amazing, I don't care.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: And before I give him the 20 grand, I'll tell him, I'll say, listen, I can give you the 20 now, or we can invest in some dogecoins.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Please build it up.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, my name's been Jamali.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: You've been great, thank you so much.