Latest / Stuff Mom Never Told You / Happy Hour #18: Comin' Up Aces

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Happy Hour #18: Comin' Up Aces · Stuff Mom Never Told You

0:05
Speaker 1: Hey, this is any Samantha, and welcome to stuff I've
0:07
Speaker 1: never told to you production of I Heart Radio. And
0:18
Speaker 1: it is Thursday as this is first release, which means
0:22
Speaker 1: it is time for another happy hour slash kind of
0:27
Speaker 1: unhappy hour, an open space space for discussions. I like it.
0:33
Speaker 1: I like it. Yes, And what's that being said? A
0:36
Speaker 1: rare trigger warning in these brief mentions of sexual trauma
0:40
Speaker 1: and eating disorders, very very brief, but I just want
0:43
Speaker 1: to put that in there also, as always drink responsibly
0:46
Speaker 1: if you choose to do so. We would love for
0:49
Speaker 1: you to join us and just take a moment to relax,
0:52
Speaker 1: however that means to you. So is Amantha, what are
0:57
Speaker 1: you sipping on? You know what? I'm keeping it easy.
0:59
Speaker 1: I got a truly hard lemonade. I love their lemonades.
1:03
Speaker 1: I don't know, it just feels so like refreshing, especially
1:06
Speaker 1: during the hot weather. And y'all it's hot and I
1:08
Speaker 1: have my air conditioning off in Sealanta and it's humid,
1:11
Speaker 1: so gross. But I don't like the regular lemonade, so
1:15
Speaker 1: I've had to like sparkle it up with some flavoring.
1:18
Speaker 1: I put some a little bit raspberry flavor, so it's
1:20
Speaker 1: raspberry lemonade. Nice. Yeah, yeah, So I'm keeping it chill
1:26
Speaker 1: very you know, I did. I like, I like to
1:29
Speaker 1: make fancy what about you? I kind of fancied it
1:33
Speaker 1: up too, I need I can't remember the name of
1:36
Speaker 1: this cocktail and it's very basic coin but whiskey and
1:39
Speaker 1: fresh lemon and I leave out the sweetener because I'm
1:42
Speaker 1: fine with it, and then a little bit of ginger
1:45
Speaker 1: and nutmeg and it is so delightful and a lot
1:48
Speaker 1: of a lot of sparkling water. A lot fan of sparkles.
1:52
Speaker 1: M h me too. So today, since it is Pride month,
1:57
Speaker 1: we thought that we kind of would check in on me.
2:01
Speaker 1: I guess yes. And what's been going on with me
2:07
Speaker 1: as I've been trying to get more comfortable with claiming
2:09
Speaker 1: my sexual orientation and how I identify, and especially with
2:13
Speaker 1: the added layer of working through trauma that I've experienced
2:16
Speaker 1: both from a really young age and at multiple formative
2:19
Speaker 1: periods of my life, which makes me feel really insecure
2:21
Speaker 1: and uncertain and accepting this part of myself, which is
2:24
Speaker 1: not a great way to feel. But that's been through
2:27
Speaker 1: the pandemic and I know some of you listeners have
2:29
Speaker 1: written in about this of having these questions and and
2:34
Speaker 1: for me, this has been a time of being really
2:36
Speaker 1: mindful and I have done a lot of work through
2:38
Speaker 1: therapy and trying to figure out these pieces of myself
2:41
Speaker 1: and why I react in certain ways. So a lot
2:43
Speaker 1: of that work has been done and I continue to do,
2:46
Speaker 1: but I still have like real insecurity around all of this.
2:50
Speaker 1: And another thing is I have experienced pain because of
2:53
Speaker 1: how I identify, but most of it was confusion and
2:57
Speaker 1: trying to fit in feeling wrong or other, which is
3:00
Speaker 1: something I could do and did easily do, but it's
3:04
Speaker 1: also something that I could hide and compensate for. So
3:06
Speaker 1: I don't feel great about claiming the queer label, even
3:09
Speaker 1: though I'm positive I am. And it's like that feeling
3:12
Speaker 1: of you haven't suffered enough, which is kind of a
3:15
Speaker 1: messed up way to think, but I think a lot
3:17
Speaker 1: of people can connect to feeling feeling like that. At
3:21
Speaker 1: the same time, maybe I haven't been open enough about
3:24
Speaker 1: it when it's really nobody's business. But at the same time,
3:27
Speaker 1: I feel like I should be visible to help destigmatize
3:30
Speaker 1: and hopefully provide an example to someone younger who was struggling.
3:34
Speaker 1: And I have felt experience of being a race, even
3:36
Speaker 1: from within the LGBTQ plus community, and that's been painful.
3:39
Speaker 1: I don't think even knew how to put it into
3:41
Speaker 1: words before, where you'd have this moment of like, oh right, yeah,
3:47
Speaker 1: and and in case anyone's listening to this and it's like,
3:49
Speaker 1: what are you talking about? I So through the process
3:51
Speaker 1: of being on the show, this show has really helped
3:54
Speaker 1: me like learn words about how people identify, and that's
3:58
Speaker 1: how I went on this journey. I've been pretty open
4:01
Speaker 1: about it on the show that I identify as ACE
4:05
Speaker 1: or perhaps to my sexual I'm still working through that
4:07
Speaker 1: because I don't have a lot of experience with that,
4:10
Speaker 1: which I'm going to talk about more later, right, But
4:13
Speaker 1: you're not the only one. And we've heard from so
4:15
Speaker 1: many listeners how this this resonates whether they are identifying
4:19
Speaker 1: as bisexual and filling a race, because there's a lot
4:22
Speaker 1: of a ratio within that community as well as ACE
4:25
Speaker 1: not understanding what that was and and trying to figure
4:27
Speaker 1: that out for yourself, and then the subcategories within being
4:31
Speaker 1: a So there's a lot to get I'm still trying
4:34
Speaker 1: to learn it. You give me new things to learn,
4:35
Speaker 1: and I think it's beautiful as you learn for yourself
4:38
Speaker 1: who you are and how you feel and how you're growing,
4:41
Speaker 1: and it changes, it can change, and that's okay too. Yeah. Yeah,
4:45
Speaker 1: And honestly, listeners, I know we say it all the time,
4:47
Speaker 1: but it has been so rewarding and validating to hear
4:51
Speaker 1: from you all, um, wherever you are in this process
4:55
Speaker 1: of learning about yourself and how you identify. It really
4:58
Speaker 1: has been quite a moving and powerful experience for me.
5:02
Speaker 1: So thank you, thank you, thank you for being open
5:05
Speaker 1: with that and sharing that with us. And I think
5:09
Speaker 1: one of the big things I've felt through this is
5:11
Speaker 1: it has been a lot of things in my past
5:13
Speaker 1: and perspective, certainly my desperation to fit in, to want
5:17
Speaker 1: to want to have sex, my willingness to settle down
5:21
Speaker 1: to make my parents happy, which now I'm like, well,
5:23
Speaker 1: they would never want that for you. Why we right
5:25
Speaker 1: thinking that was the thing you should do? And yeah,
5:29
Speaker 1: none that that was really about what I wanted, not
5:33
Speaker 1: really at least, or is what I thought I wished
5:35
Speaker 1: I wanted at best. I know that it's really confusing,
5:37
Speaker 1: but there's a very strong For a long time, there
5:41
Speaker 1: has been a very strong wish to be quote unquote
5:45
Speaker 1: normal and to want those things. And I think that's
5:49
Speaker 1: been really painful too with this whole trauma aspect is
5:51
Speaker 1: it makes me doubt. I feel like I can't separate
5:55
Speaker 1: those things. But the more I've thought about it, the
5:57
Speaker 1: more I feel like it's twofold, like can I went
6:01
Speaker 1: through these traumatic experiences that yes, did mess up like
6:05
Speaker 1: trust and my views on sex, But that can be
6:08
Speaker 1: true and it can also be a sexual and so
6:11
Speaker 1: it's like a too trauma kind of situation instead of
6:15
Speaker 1: one or the other, which is how I was kind
6:16
Speaker 1: of framing it before, where I couldn't know for sure,
6:20
Speaker 1: do you not want to have sex because you're a sexual.
6:22
Speaker 1: Do you not want to have sex because you have
6:23
Speaker 1: all these bad experiences from such a young age with sex?
6:27
Speaker 1: But I remembered that even like my first traumatic experiences
6:31
Speaker 1: at floor but even like around that time. This sounds terrible,
6:34
Speaker 1: but that memory, like the traumatic thing, it was very traumatic.
6:39
Speaker 1: But what really messed me up more was that we
6:42
Speaker 1: moved like that around that time. That's just how my
6:44
Speaker 1: kid brain was like, Oh, I'm losing all my friends,
6:47
Speaker 1: but this guy's like kid, it was my age tried
6:49
Speaker 1: to kiss me at a birthday party, and I remember
6:51
Speaker 1: being like, I don't like this. I don't want this
6:53
Speaker 1: one's happening. So I think for me, even a pretty
6:56
Speaker 1: young age, I was like, no, not into it. Of course,
7:01
Speaker 1: as a child, you you do change these ancients, but ye.
7:10
Speaker 1: And I remember him saying, but I might not ever
7:12
Speaker 1: get a chance to and I was like, well, that's
7:15
Speaker 1: too bad, not into it, and yeah, they think this
7:21
Speaker 1: whole thing of I feel like I'm not able to
7:23
Speaker 1: put myself first, and that's been a problem, and that
7:26
Speaker 1: makes me afraid of myself and not standing up for
7:28
Speaker 1: myself and what I want. So not being in a relationship,
7:31
Speaker 1: even if I do want some form of relationship, is
7:34
Speaker 1: just safer because I'm afraid I'll just go along with
7:38
Speaker 1: what the other person wants. And it is all. It's
7:41
Speaker 1: sad when I hear people say things like someone who
7:43
Speaker 1: is a sexual is just someone who can't find anyone
7:45
Speaker 1: willing to have sex with them, which I have heard,
7:47
Speaker 1: so they just say they're a sexual. And another thing
7:51
Speaker 1: I've been thinking about recently is how messed up it
7:53
Speaker 1: is that I don't want to attract anybody, but a
7:57
Speaker 1: part of me still associates my value with being attractive
8:01
Speaker 1: and specifically men wanting to have sex with me. So
8:04
Speaker 1: I feel like I have to have the body and
8:06
Speaker 1: attract people even though it's not a thing that I want.
8:10
Speaker 1: And yeah, I get I hate this too, but I
8:13
Speaker 1: get embarrassed for past x is having to explain to
8:15
Speaker 1: people that I don't want to have sex, which is
8:18
Speaker 1: something I shouldn't even worry about, but I do of
8:22
Speaker 1: just like you know that kind of do things like
8:25
Speaker 1: have you have you hit it yet and it's like nope,
8:28
Speaker 1: she's still holding out and all that kind of that
8:31
Speaker 1: kind of stuff. Yeah. Yeah, And then also I've been
8:36
Speaker 1: thinking about this entertainment wise, because of course I have
8:39
Speaker 1: I like it when characters don't end up with anybody
8:41
Speaker 1: or it's not a focus. So I like that Luke
8:43
Speaker 1: Skywalker didn't end up with anyone, that Ray didn't end
8:45
Speaker 1: up with anyone. So when we have conversations of food
8:48
Speaker 1: they should end up with, I'm always kind of like
8:50
Speaker 1: I have to end up with anybody. And I get
8:53
Speaker 1: that I'm a super minority in this, but it is
8:56
Speaker 1: nice to see and I think there is this sort
8:59
Speaker 1: of background thing to you of if you look at
9:01
Speaker 1: like our Sharing Carter episode for example, there has to
9:04
Speaker 1: be romance with Steve Rogers with a woman, or people
9:07
Speaker 1: might start questioning his sexuality. Wouldn't that be terrible? Oh
9:10
Speaker 1: my god, it can't be this big, strong hero and
9:13
Speaker 1: be gay or ace or what have you, or they
9:16
Speaker 1: can even be a doubt about that. So they are
9:18
Speaker 1: kind of jokes about it throughout those movies that he
9:20
Speaker 1: hasn't kissed someone in so long that he might be
9:22
Speaker 1: a virgin, that he needs to be set up with somebody,
9:25
Speaker 1: which isn't bad necessarily. It just feels like, in general,
9:29
Speaker 1: there has to be some level of usually heterosexual romance
9:32
Speaker 1: or something is wrong with that character. But at the
9:36
Speaker 1: same time, their fictional characters, and I want them to
9:39
Speaker 1: be happy. So if they want someone, then I want
9:41
Speaker 1: them to find the very best person for them. It's
9:46
Speaker 1: a strange place to be, so that the it's an
9:49
Speaker 1: interesting place to be. I guess I've never really thought
9:51
Speaker 1: through that deep thing. I do have the moments of like,
9:56
Speaker 1: this is a really force and it's unnecessary, let's not
9:58
Speaker 1: do this. Um, this is absolutely click maybe, I guess
10:02
Speaker 1: for the lack of better terms, and this is definitely sensessionalism,
10:06
Speaker 1: And so it's unnecessary. I think with any trope, it's
10:09
Speaker 1: kind of that level of why do they pair the
10:13
Speaker 1: only gay people, they obviously have to be together instead
10:15
Speaker 1: of just being friends. Why can't we just leave them
10:17
Speaker 1: be Why does the mainly have to be with someone immediately?
10:21
Speaker 1: And if they're alone, like the sidekick is alone, that's sad,
10:25
Speaker 1: so let's give them a dumpy chick to make them
10:27
Speaker 1: feel better. It's so necessary. So it's definitely this ingrained
10:31
Speaker 1: thing that if you're alone that means you're sad and pathetic,
10:35
Speaker 1: and that's just uh again, you and I talked about
10:39
Speaker 1: this where we're like, oh, maybe we're just not normal, right. No,
10:42
Speaker 1: I'm actually happier single most of the time. And the
10:47
Speaker 1: only reason I would be in a relationship is because
10:49
Speaker 1: it's worth it. If I'm in this, just because I'm
10:52
Speaker 1: just in this, I'm not. No, I've seen that I
10:55
Speaker 1: can handle being alone, and I like being alone, and
10:58
Speaker 1: I like the freedoms of being own. So knowing that
11:01
Speaker 1: I could do that, why would I put myself through
11:03
Speaker 1: misery because I'm afraid to be alone. It's just that
11:06
Speaker 1: that's the whole level. But that's beyond just sexuality. That's
11:09
Speaker 1: just that level of security. But again, yes, you if
11:12
Speaker 1: you're trying to prove yourself as something that's considered for
11:17
Speaker 1: the longest time shameful, which is so sad to be
11:20
Speaker 1: closeted in any way, then yeah, that's a whole other
11:23
Speaker 1: layer that definitely I don't understand, Like as a female,
11:28
Speaker 1: I don't get that completely, but I can imagine, Yeah,
11:33
Speaker 1: that's that's a whole level that I won't have to
11:35
Speaker 1: deal with or I don't currently deal with. Who knows
11:38
Speaker 1: things may change that I do find the fact that
11:40
Speaker 1: if I'm no longer with my partner, that I find
11:42
Speaker 1: a woman to be a person I want to be with,
11:46
Speaker 1: then that's gonna be wonderful. And I'll talk about my
11:48
Speaker 1: identity there. But today as as we're speaking, you know
11:51
Speaker 1: what it is. But I do really appreciate and maybe
11:54
Speaker 1: because again I'm right at that line, I'm apparently geriagric millennial,
11:59
Speaker 1: which by the way, whoever did that, whoever invented that term,
12:03
Speaker 1: because I'm very angry about that you. But but the
12:08
Speaker 1: whole level of the fact that I come right between
12:11
Speaker 1: the gen X and millennial. I was born in a
12:13
Speaker 1: nineteen eighty like people coming out in my generation was
12:17
Speaker 1: still newer and was still a novelty. And don't get
12:21
Speaker 1: me wrong, it's not easy. It's still the lgbt Q
12:24
Speaker 1: plus community. They're marginalized for a reason that they are
12:27
Speaker 1: a community that still has to stand up for the rights.
12:29
Speaker 1: The fact that they have to continually defend who they
12:32
Speaker 1: are to the government and being acknowledged as people in
12:37
Speaker 1: general with basic human rights is beyond infuriating and just heartbreaking.
12:43
Speaker 1: But it's really beautiful to see as the younger generations come.
12:46
Speaker 1: And I'm talking about like kids that are just now
12:49
Speaker 1: graduating college, that's just now going to college, just getting
12:52
Speaker 1: into the workforce, being able to be like I'm by,
12:55
Speaker 1: I'm paying, I'm all these things. I'm just fluid because
12:57
Speaker 1: i want to love who I want to love. And
12:59
Speaker 1: I'm like, I love that, And that's become a little
13:01
Speaker 1: more normalized, and I would love to see it, Like
13:05
Speaker 1: I'm trying to still wrap my head around what that is,
13:07
Speaker 1: but I love it. It's such a like if it
13:10
Speaker 1: wasn't Aura, it's like bright pink and yellow and purple.
13:13
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, gives me such a kind feeling, like
13:16
Speaker 1: in the field in the sun where there's no bugs,
13:19
Speaker 1: and no humidity, and I'm just basking in that beautiful
13:23
Speaker 1: moment that this is. But we can't ignore the level
13:28
Speaker 1: of still hypocrisy within even the marginalized communities we know,
13:32
Speaker 1: as you were talking about trying to figure yourself out,
13:35
Speaker 1: being invalidated because maybe some people have not had a
13:38
Speaker 1: relationship with the same sex as about like that beans
13:41
Speaker 1: that means you're not by Well, that's not true, that's
13:44
Speaker 1: not true, as well as people who are married to
13:47
Speaker 1: like a man, If a woman is married to a man,
13:49
Speaker 1: saying that you're not by that's not true. Or if
13:51
Speaker 1: you're with a woman or with the same sex that
13:54
Speaker 1: you're not you're you're just gay and you're not this.
13:56
Speaker 1: It's so sad to see that dismissed in general in
14:00
Speaker 1: any way. But Hollywood's narrative does not help when they
14:05
Speaker 1: realize it or make it click bait or make it yeah,
14:08
Speaker 1: all these things that you're like, why did you do this? Yeah? Yeah,
14:13
Speaker 1: And it's it's one of those things where I've been
14:15
Speaker 1: very privileged in a lot of ways, but I was
14:17
Speaker 1: kind of like similarly Sabanter, I was like, oh, I'm
14:20
Speaker 1: so invigorated by seeing more and more young people be
14:23
Speaker 1: open about it. We're having more conversations about it, and
14:25
Speaker 1: then you'll have kind of this moment of like, oh,
14:28
Speaker 1: reality check, we still don't have like a gay couple
14:31
Speaker 1: in these big, you know, franchises. They're just not there.
14:36
Speaker 1: And because the company in question is afraid of backlash,
14:40
Speaker 1: are they you know, are trying to protect themselves. But
14:42
Speaker 1: at the same time they want to give like hints,
14:45
Speaker 1: where see you, We're cool. You know it's there if
14:49
Speaker 1: you squint right right, if you imagine it. Yeah, that's
14:55
Speaker 1: why I love bad fiction. It is fair, your your ace,
15:00
Speaker 1: romance of bounds and bandiction. One thing I have been
15:04
Speaker 1: dealing with that I'm kind of surprised at is jealousy.
15:07
Speaker 1: And I'm not a naturally I don't really get jealous,
15:09
Speaker 1: but I have been finding myself I get jealous with
15:12
Speaker 1: people who just know how they identify and feel confident
15:15
Speaker 1: in themselves. I'm jealous of that. I don't get lonely.
15:19
Speaker 1: That's not really a problem I have, but I do
15:21
Speaker 1: feel like that's a problem with me, like I should
15:25
Speaker 1: get lonely, and I know it's not, but it is
15:29
Speaker 1: a hard thing to shake. And I do get fleeting
15:31
Speaker 1: moments of jealousy. When I see people happy together, I'm
15:35
Speaker 1: happy for them, but I'm also jealous. I think that's
15:37
Speaker 1: just normal, but it's just all like I haven't really
15:40
Speaker 1: experienced that before, and I it's just this whole like, yeah,
15:45
Speaker 1: I'm not trusting myself or other people, and that kind
15:48
Speaker 1: of sucks, right, kind of sucks, right, And then I
15:53
Speaker 1: do get like one thing of some of my friends,
15:56
Speaker 1: I've started asking them questions like what is it like
16:01
Speaker 1: to feel this like overwhelming attraction to someone? And I
16:06
Speaker 1: think Hollywood has been a big part of that for
16:09
Speaker 1: me as well, of of like I get jealous of
16:11
Speaker 1: what I see in the movies, of like your heart
16:15
Speaker 1: stops and you just they feel flesh and your your
16:19
Speaker 1: stomach flutters, and these are things that I've felt, but
16:21
Speaker 1: it's not I don't know. I think that the narrative
16:27
Speaker 1: of you know your one true love is beautiful, but
16:30
Speaker 1: it's also been damaging. Right. Well, again, I'm with you
16:33
Speaker 1: with that because even just recently watching The Conjuring, you know,
16:39
Speaker 1: the warrants being painted as this connected, spiritually connected, emotionally
16:44
Speaker 1: connected people that they can just connect to each other
16:46
Speaker 1: in such a way and everything's about each other. And
16:49
Speaker 1: and bringing each other for a purpose. And I'm like,
16:51
Speaker 1: that's cute, you know, And I guess maybe I'm just
16:56
Speaker 1: a cynic because we have seen amazing couples. And when
16:59
Speaker 1: I see amazing couples, it floors me. I'm like, wow, wow,
17:04
Speaker 1: that that exists. But again, yeah, part of that is
17:06
Speaker 1: the fed lie that this you have to have the
17:09
Speaker 1: perfect blah blah blah, and if you don't have the
17:12
Speaker 1: perfect blah blah blah, then it's not working. Get out.
17:15
Speaker 1: So instead of realizing this isn't about a lot of work,
17:18
Speaker 1: relationships in general, like friendships are a lot of work.
17:22
Speaker 1: You have to maintain things, but for such a long time,
17:24
Speaker 1: it's like if it's not an easy fit, then why
17:26
Speaker 1: would you be there? Right again, I said, like previously
17:29
Speaker 1: when I said, you know, I'm happy alone. It's fine.
17:31
Speaker 1: It's not good for us, it's not I'm not saying
17:33
Speaker 1: that there's not hard times and I'm not saying you
17:36
Speaker 1: know you can't work through things. You have to work
17:38
Speaker 1: through things, but you need to know that it's a
17:40
Speaker 1: value to work through things. Those two levels. And I
17:44
Speaker 1: think that's the same way about like when I I
17:47
Speaker 1: was so confused because I truly never said I love
17:51
Speaker 1: you too, anyone romantically until recently. And again I'm in
17:56
Speaker 1: my forties that I have not had my share of,
17:58
Speaker 1: like a lot of relationships, so foreign to me to
18:01
Speaker 1: stay with someone for a long period of time, like
18:03
Speaker 1: it's still does not register. So marriage does not register
18:08
Speaker 1: in my head at forty years old, I'm still like, no,
18:11
Speaker 1: I'm good marriage. No, Why why would I do that?
18:14
Speaker 1: Why would I get married? Other than you need insurance? Great,
18:16
Speaker 1: then we'll talk about that. That's the only reason in
18:19
Speaker 1: my mind. Again, beautiful couples, we have no beautiful kilps
18:23
Speaker 1: were married and happy, but all of that to say,
18:25
Speaker 1: it just doesn't register. And so I started asking a
18:28
Speaker 1: lot of my friends. I think it's just like three
18:30
Speaker 1: years ago, four years ago, maybe five years ago, when
18:33
Speaker 1: they told me they love someone. I was like, you did, Okay,
18:38
Speaker 1: why how explained? And they couldn't. They couldn't other than
18:45
Speaker 1: you just know or it's just worth here. But and
18:48
Speaker 1: they would come back like that was wrong, that wasn't love,
18:50
Speaker 1: And I'm like, ah, apparently I had caught what I
18:54
Speaker 1: asked them that question. It brought a spotlight and that
18:59
Speaker 1: didn't mean to write, but it is it's like one
19:02
Speaker 1: of those things that just doesn't completely registered. And you
19:04
Speaker 1: might be right, it might be something between both of
19:06
Speaker 1: us having to go through our trauma that we understand
19:09
Speaker 1: familial love, we understand friendship love, but sort romantic love
19:14
Speaker 1: because romance associated with sex as associated with abuse, is
19:18
Speaker 1: associated with mobulation to us. So there's just so many
19:23
Speaker 1: lingering things. Yeah, yeah, and I definitely, I definitely do
19:28
Speaker 1: you want to say, I have seen couples that I
19:30
Speaker 1: believe feel this this thing, but I think we don't
19:32
Speaker 1: see the hard work in um this thing being like
19:35
Speaker 1: the once we love, but we don't see the hard
19:38
Speaker 1: work aspects, so which makes sense. It's entertainment, but that
19:42
Speaker 1: kind of paints it in a way that makes it
19:44
Speaker 1: feel impossible sometimes. But also yeah, yeah, it's just not
19:48
Speaker 1: that much representation otherwise when it comes to romance and
19:52
Speaker 1: especially yes to healthy relationships that don't have a sex component.
19:55
Speaker 1: I know we talked about that in our episode about
19:58
Speaker 1: does sex required for love? Which isn't, But that's how
20:02
Speaker 1: I felt, That's what I thought that you had to
20:06
Speaker 1: have that part of it. And I will say occasionally
20:08
Speaker 1: do get really horny and I try to convince myself
20:11
Speaker 1: I want to have sex, which isn't healthy. It feels
20:13
Speaker 1: very self destructive, like I'm just going to pull the
20:15
Speaker 1: trigger and do this um and it feels like rejecting
20:18
Speaker 1: a part of myself. On the other hand, when I
20:20
Speaker 1: feel this with someone I am emotionally romantically attracted to,
20:23
Speaker 1: it makes me think I might be dimnisexual. That's only
20:25
Speaker 1: happened like twice so and I can't It was so
20:29
Speaker 1: long ago that I don't know. I can't say for sure,
20:32
Speaker 1: but yeah, it's not consistent at all. Sometimes I have
20:35
Speaker 1: a strong emotional bond with someone and I don't feel
20:37
Speaker 1: any sort of sexual attraction. Uhoual. I feel something like
20:40
Speaker 1: almost a affectionate attraction, like I love every part of you,
20:44
Speaker 1: but it's not really physically, it doesn't I'm not explaining
20:48
Speaker 1: it well, but essentially, like it's not like I'm like, oh,
20:50
Speaker 1: you're so hot, I'm like I love this about I
20:52
Speaker 1: love every piece of you, or something like I want
20:54
Speaker 1: to know all your freckles. I mean, that's the depth
20:56
Speaker 1: of like friendship to me, that I'm like, I look
20:58
Speaker 1: at you and I don't think you that you one
21:00
Speaker 1: of the most beautiful people in the world. That I
21:02
Speaker 1: just cannot believe you know you, but I don't want
21:05
Speaker 1: to have sex with you. I don't really want to
21:06
Speaker 1: kiss you, but I want you to be president, and
21:08
Speaker 1: I am very joyful that you are there. Right. Well,
21:11
Speaker 1: that's actually a good segue. It's just something else I've noticed. Yeah,
21:16
Speaker 1: because I do want companionships, and sometimes I get overwhelmed
21:19
Speaker 1: with love for somebody, usually a female friend, and I
21:21
Speaker 1: think we should just get married, are settled down, or
21:24
Speaker 1: a friend equivalent, and if they want to have sex,
21:27
Speaker 1: I would do that for them because I love and
21:29
Speaker 1: trust them and I want to give that to them.
21:31
Speaker 1: Only women, never for men. Have I thought this, But
21:33
Speaker 1: what does that say? That makes sense? I think it's
21:39
Speaker 1: just yeah, it's just, you know, it's un It doesn't
21:42
Speaker 1: have the same level of trauma over it, and it
21:46
Speaker 1: feels much more of like an act of friendship, which
21:48
Speaker 1: again we should. Sex doesn't have to be romantic. It's
21:54
Speaker 1: hard for me to even think that, even though I
21:56
Speaker 1: truly do believe it. But it's just so counterintuitive to
21:59
Speaker 1: every like every piece of media I've ever concerned. Right, Well, yeah,
22:03
Speaker 1: sex has become dirty and or a power and we
22:07
Speaker 1: know this as they are. And I say the overall
22:11
Speaker 1: they the patriarchy in general, want to maintain control over
22:15
Speaker 1: the female anatomy. So if female anatomy and pleasure means
22:18
Speaker 1: that disqualifies men, oh my god, he'll no. So that's
22:23
Speaker 1: definitely not going to be something that's talked about. But
22:25
Speaker 1: beyond that, like that sex is for babies, and that's it, Like,
22:31
Speaker 1: that's what we know, that's what we've been taught, that's
22:32
Speaker 1: what we've been sold for essentially for years and years,
22:35
Speaker 1: and it's kind of still that kind of level is
22:38
Speaker 1: a whole different maintaining of understanding what sex was. And
22:44
Speaker 1: I don't even know, do you know the origins were
22:46
Speaker 1: being talked about love came from because for the longest time,
22:49
Speaker 1: it never was about love. It was all about ownership
22:52
Speaker 1: and unity. When I say unity, ownership of women's bodies
22:55
Speaker 1: and saying claiming them as theirs. So that's I mean,
22:59
Speaker 1: it's still fair a new concept. So we can't get
23:02
Speaker 1: beyond sex pleasure love to equate sex and pleasure, so
23:07
Speaker 1: that means pleasure and sizes power. Someone has power, who
23:12
Speaker 1: has you know, all of these ways. It's such an
23:13
Speaker 1: intricate level of like understanding sex is just nice and
23:19
Speaker 1: it's just kind of like, hey, hugs. You know, of
23:23
Speaker 1: course there's a lot more things to it. We know
23:25
Speaker 1: that there's a conversation about this and this level of
23:28
Speaker 1: intimacy and trust, but yeah, sometimes the only people you
23:30
Speaker 1: trust are those you are closest to, and that might
23:32
Speaker 1: be your friends. M hmmm, what does that mean? What
23:36
Speaker 1: does it mean? Well, yeah, that's actually a good place
23:39
Speaker 1: to add because basically I'm still working through stuff and
23:42
Speaker 1: I have a lot of questions but not the only one,
23:46
Speaker 1: but yeah, and I have made a lot of progress
23:48
Speaker 1: I think, um ever since we first started this journey
23:53
Speaker 1: for me a couple of years ago, and that's been
23:55
Speaker 1: heartening for me. And it's again hearing from your listeners
23:58
Speaker 1: has just been so wonderful and validating and comforting and
24:03
Speaker 1: just beautiful. So thank you for listeners for writing into us.
24:08
Speaker 1: If you would like to send us even more messages,
24:12
Speaker 1: you can. Our email is step Media mom stuff at
24:14
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24:17
Speaker 1: at stuff I Never Told You or on Twitter at
24:19
Speaker 1: Moms TOFF Podcast. Thanks as always to our super producer, Christina,
24:22
Speaker 1: Thank you and thanks to you for listening. Stephone Never
24:25
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