Latest / Health Tech & Wellness Podcast / Why We Feel Like We Can’t Fail the People We Love
Transcript
- John Adams: Welcome to another week of the Health Tech and Wellness Podcast. I'm John Adams. Crystal Nevedale: And I'm Crystal Nevidale. John Adams: And Crystal, I've been thinking about this question for a while now, especially with everything going on in my life and you know, with what you've going on with, you know, your business and your grandkids. And the question that keeps popping into my head is something that I hear from people all the time. I can't fail, right? So my question is this: why can't we fail? And I know that kind of sounds like You know, one of those motivational videos, you know, failure isn't an option, wake up at 4 a.m., you know, outwork everybody. But that's not what we want to get into today. This is kind of on that line, but way off. Because what I'm talking about today is something much more personal, right? Not the egotistical I can't fail, right? I'm talking about sometimes in life, you know. We're doing something for ourselves, right? We're younger, we're growing, we there's something we're trying to accomplish, and it's for ourselves. And if you quit, you're really only affecting yourself. Okay. That's the egotistical I can't fail. But then your life changes, right? You get a spouse, kids, family, people who depend on you. And suddenly that I can't fail becomes a whole different scenario. It's not just you anymore. So Crystal, I just want to kind of throw it out to you right off the rip. Do you think that there's a difference between fighting for something that you truly want and fighting for something because you have loved ones and the people that are depending on you? Crystal Nevedale: I don't know anything other than fighting for everybody else. That's been my whole existence. I was a seventeen year old mom. So, it's never really been about me. And now, you know, like even when my kids moved out and stuff like that, they still need things. You know, there's still I still need to be sure that I'm okay so that I can help them when they need help. I mean I Just like for instance, like right now in my life, my son and his wife just got a home, renting a home, and they had to pay a thousand dollars at their apartment that they're in and another sixteen fifty for the new place. So how does one person working manage that? Because my daughter-in-law John Adams: Yeah. Crystal Nevedale: gets to stay home with the kids. so I help out. And John Adams: Yeah. Crystal Nevedale: if I didn't push myself, then I wouldn't be able to do that. And that's super important to me. Like I had people in my life when I was growing up, my grandma being one of them, that was there for me like that. Like I want to be that person for my family. I think that makes me like that makes me want to do things for a bigger reason than just myself. So I feel like I'm way more successful because I have that John Adams: Yeah. Crystal Nevedale: behind me. If it was just for me, I'd probably sleep every day and just kind of chill through life. John Adams: No, that that's true. So this conversation's gonna be perfect right down your alley. for my situation, like I, you know, I wasn't, you know, a 17 year old parent. I didn't have any of that. So, you know, early in life, you know, most of my aspirations and things that I was shooting for were just for me. but then, you know, I'm been married to Cindy now going on 26 years, you know, been married for 25 plus. and having that where other people are relying on you kind of thing. And and same thing with just family and extended family and even friends that, you know, are, you know, behind me, backing me, saying, hey, you know, we've you've got this. that situation Is a whole different situation than when I was, you know, 17, 18, 19, 20, and it was just me, right? but the conversation that we want to get into is how do we find that balance, right? because at the end of the day, you know, like here's something I realized, and and and we were just talking about this. It's easier to fight. For somebody else than it is for yourself. And you just hit that, right? You just said, if I didn't have them to fight for, I'd probably just sleep all day, right? Now, probably not, because that's not your personality, but it's kind of true in most cases for most people, right? There are things that we might tolerate also in ourselves or from other people when it's for us, right? Somebody says something stupid to us, somebody, you know. says something cross or maybe they did us wrong or maybe they stole whatever, you know, we might brush that off and go, you know what, I don't want to deal with it. But now let's throw that into another gear, right? It's your grandkid or it's somebody you love. It's Emily. It's whatever. And now somebody wrongs them, right? And you're like, screw it. I'm done. You put in that other that new gear and you're ready to just put on the gloves and go to battle. Right. So Crystal Nevedale: Right. John Adams: that's a whole nother part of it. Because when it comes to us personally, as much as we want to say, yeah, we want to be healthy, we want to do this, we want to have money, we want to, you know, succeed, whatever, there's still that point where we'll put up with things when it's just us. But then when it's that person we love, that new gear kicks in, right? So Crystal Nevedale: Right, for sure. John Adams: I guess, Crystal. have you ever had a time like that where, you know, something happened and maybe I don't know if you've had the same experience where it was just you and then something the same thing to do with a family member, but you where you've noticed that, where you're like, okay, I'll brush this off. It's just me, but then now you've got that family member that it's affecting, or that friend, or that person that's close to you, right? Crystal Nevedale: Yeah, I think that I do that a lot when I'm single and alone. Like I'll make choices for everybody around me and like and guide my choices about like how it affects the people around me. but I'm real like lax and and just kind of go with the flow and don't really worry about all that. But I notice that when I get in relationships, I really take that person's wants and needs and desires and so then I'm making different choices over here because now I have to worry about this person's feelings. It's you know, life is just a damn juggle. You just juggle. It literally is just a juggle. And it and it changes so frequently. I mean it's there's change twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Like nothing stays the same. John Adams: Right. No, you're right. Crystal Nevedale: So we're always trying to figure it out. Like it's I don't think we ever get it figured out. Like do you feel like you'd ever get anything figured out? It's like I got it figured out and then something changes and then it we have to reiterate it all over again. And the fluidity of John Adams: But Crystal Nevedale: life is where it's supposed to be. Like we just have to let it flow. John Adams: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've been I've been on that path for the last two years where you know everything's figured out, you've got the game plan, everything's perfect, it's going great. And then well, that doesn't work. Let's let's tweak it, right? and that's gonna lead us right into where we're going here because so you hear that word or that sentence, you know, I can't fail. But here's where the conversation gets interesting, right? Because life is fluid and things do change. So What does failing the people that we love actually mean? Right. Because I think it's something different, you know, for most people. But here, think about it this way. You're you're you're trying to raise a family, right? I didn't make enough money. I didn't accomplish the thing that I needed to do, or my business that I'm trying to start is failing, or I'm man, I just lost my job, or I screwed something up, or I couldn't fix the problem. But is that really failing them? Crystal Nevedale: Thinking, I think that we have just such high expectations for ourselves. And I think sometimes that people around us don't even know that we're not doing the best that we can do. Like they have no idea. It's like we hold ourselves to this high scale that's impossible to meet. And yeah, like we have to stop thinking about failure and thinking about what we are able to do and where we are excelling. Because if we could say one thing that we do wrong every single day, I'm sure you can back it up with five things you're doing right. I'm sure of it. Every one of us, if we get out of that John Adams: Hundred percent. Yeah. Crystal Nevedale: space of I'm failing or I'm not good enough or all those things, it's really wasted energy. When so that thought comes into my mind where I don't feel like it's gonna serve me, I replace it with, but I have this X, Y, and Z. I'm able to do X, Y, and Z. I get to be a grandma, I get to be a friend, I get to be a business owner. I get to be all of these things. This one thing over here is not gonna define me. There's really no failing. Like, there isn't any John Adams: Right. Yeah. Crystal Nevedale: failing, really. Like, I think it's just the pressure we put on ourselves. It's not John Adams: Yeah. Crystal Nevedale: every failure, like, think about all the big people out there that have made it. How many times did they fail to get there? Hundreds. Yeah. So there's no real failure. John Adams: Yep. Hundreds. We we talked about yeah, we we talked about Steve Jobs, you know, a couple episodes ago where I mean the man was fired from the company he built. Fired from the company he built. That's a huge failure, right? He admittedly, you know, turned his back on his first kid and came back around and fixed things and and and came back to the company that he built and made it better. And So I guess the end of the day, you know. Crystal Nevedale: It's our perception, John. John Adams: It's our perception, exactly. So in my eyes, and this is just, you know, me, and and and before I get to that answer, I'll I'll kind of preface this with I think I I I don't know if I ever use that word right. Is it preface or preference? Or Crystal Nevedale: Yeah. John Adams: I like big words, but I don't know how to use them. Crystal Nevedale: Just say it however you want. John Adams: but anyway, so here, like as long as you're trying. Right. And I'm this is how why I say when I'm very careful to say we can't fail or we we're not failing, because you can. You just can give up and you could stop showing up. Right. But if you're truly trying and you're truly putting in the effort and you're truly doing everything you need to do, and you know, let's just say me and Cindy went through something difficult, or you and Emily are going through something difficult. But at the end of the day. We tried a hundred percent as hard as we could and we put in the effort and it didn't work. Did we really fail them? Crystal Nevedale: No, I don't think so. John Adams: I don't I don't think so either, right? And at the end of the day, I guess that's kind of what I'm getting at is You can't really fail the people you love if you're trying, right? Now, if you're putting all the burden on yourself and you're doing, and I apologize if this comes off the wrong way, but if you're doing what you're doing and you're saying, Man, I I I have to do this because this is this is how it's always been, and I have to win and and I have to show up for, you know, my family, or or they're not gonna have the things that they need, that can be detrimental to you because at the end of the day. I'll just be honest. A lot of the people that we are fighting for, that we are trying to succeed for, that we can't fail for, you already said it. They don't even know what effort you're putting in, right? They don't know what what's in your mind. They're just going through their everyday, right? So at the end of the day, I I want us to show up. I want us to give the effort, but we gotta relieve some of that mental burden. We carry as human beings the guilt. Crystal Nevedale: Right. The guilt of not being able to be able to do all that you can do. I'll give you a prime example really quick about my life. So for since Alihana was born, I have basically been with her every single day at some point of the day. You know, they were eleven minutes away, so I used to walk there in the mornings, blah blah blah. Long story short, they live thirty some minutes away now. I gave my vehicle to them. So now I just started to borrow my other son's car because I want to get out there. But it I still felt bad because that was my routine for them. That was what I looked forward to with them. But now like I've accepted it, like, hey, I'm gonna get them on Friday or hey, I'm gonna do this and it's okay. But it has been a serious struggle with me because I feel like I should be helping more. But I realized nobody was there with me every day when I raised my kids. I did it, and even though I want to be that. I am incapable at this point of being there that much, even though I want to be. So it's like weird. John Adams: Yeah. Even though I might Yeah. Crystal Nevedale: It's like a weird struggle with myself. And and Hannah doesn't mind either way. She's happy if I John Adams: Yeah. Crystal Nevedale: show up, she's happy if I don't show up. She's just happy. You know? She doesn't even John Adams: Right. Crystal Nevedale: know that I have put the burden on myself to be there every day and to help. John Adams: Yeah. Crystal Nevedale: And you know, so I'm t I'm really kind of dealing with that stuff right now, like head on, like seriously dealing with that. But it's it's my struggle. It's really it's not they have no idea how I feel about John Adams: Right. And that's that's the that's the underlying thing is is sometimes we have thoughts in our head or we have those emotions and quite honestly the other person, you know, they may not even be thinking about that, right? I'll give you an example, and I'm sure you felt the same way when you started your business. You had your young kids, you had, you know, things going on. but here, like Cindy's taking a huge leap of faith in me. You know, I'm not out Every morning driving, I'm not out, you know, making the Yeah, and and driving wasn't guaranteed money, but at the end of the day, I'm not I'm not out there making the money that's quote unquote easier, I guess. You know, I'm I'm here every day grinding to build something. And she's taking this huge leap of faith. And sometimes in my head I'm like, Man, I can't I can't fail. You know, because you know What's that gonna look like? But she's not even thinking that the bills are still being paid, the things are going on. I'm here more with her. You know, life with us is is better because we're we could communicate more, you know. so that's kind of where I'm getting at is sometimes we get ourselves in those really dark spaces because we feel like we're failing the people that we love. And quite honestly, no, you're you're giving your all, and they see that and they're proud of you. But we can't get past that little bubble in our head that we're not good enough. We're not giving what we need to give. You know, we have to hold everything together, right? And I think that's kind of where we need to get back from it, right? We can't keep saying, I can't have a bad day because I gotta be there for them. I can't admit that I'm struggling. I can't be scared. I can't ask for help. Because everybody's counting on me. That's a dangerous place to be in your head. Crystal Nevedale: And it's a very unhappy place to be. I spent a four years in a relationship where I felt responsible for everything and it broke me down to places I had never been. And now to be in a relationship where my partner gives just like I give, it's it's hard. It's hard to say, okay, you can help me. You know, because before it was like, No, I got it. Don't worry, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. And it it feels like different It's hard to to to get back to that balance, but it's it's a good place to get to once you've accepted it. I still have struggles with it, you know, I still do. Because I'll get a I'll John Adams: Yeah. Yeah. No. Crystal Nevedale: get anxious and overwhelmed and all I have to do is say, Hey, babe, can you do X, Y, and Z so I can do A, and C? And it's done. But because I'm used to that internal struggle of trying to figure it out on my own. It's very different, but I'm enjoying that. Even with my kids I'm enjoying that. Like, yeah, I love it. I John Adams: That's good. Crystal Nevedale: love this. It's like a new freedom for me recently, for sure. John Adams: That's that's great and that's kind of where you should be, right? You know, because Crystal Nevedale: Everybody should have that kind of relationships. We should all be able to confide in each other, whether it's a friendship, a lover, a mother, a parent, a child. Like we have to get out of this bubble of where it's not okay to say we're not okay. You know, like at some point you have to accept that everybody needs help. Everybody needs somebody. Nobody gets through this life alone. They don't. There's you know, John Adams: Yeah. You don't. Yeah. Crystal Nevedale: we won't get into that, but there's a million different ways people around you help you, even strangers. John Adams: A hundred percent. Yeah, even strangers. And that's kind of where I was gonna go to next, right? Because I'm sure there's somebody that whether they listen to this when it comes out or they hear it two years from now, right? Because this is out forever. Somebody listening right now is in their head going, but I don't have that person I can rely on. But I have to do it all by myself because the people who are relying on me can't handle it themselves. And I don't have anybody that I can put it on to. And I don't have that. I promise you, if you stop and think, you do. And if you don't, there is places that can, right? There is facilities. There is, you know, places that you can reach out to and and you know stop taking it all on yourself. Stop pretending that you're invincible. Crystal Nevedale: Stop pretending that you're John Adams: And actually Crystal Nevedale: responsible for everybody else's life and everybody else's situation. And John Adams: Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Crystal Nevedale: and as a mother, that's really hard, but I am learning that. Like I started learning that like probably like five years ago. Like my one son had a really hard time getting out of the house and moving out on his own and didn't get his license so he was twenty five. Like a lot of different things with him. He's soaring. He's doing John Adams: Yeah. Crystal Nevedale: wonderful. And not because of me, because of him. So it's like his seeing his growth, I'm not joking. Seeing Jose's growth has been like wow. Like wow, 'cause I thought he was living with me 'til he was forty, no joke. John Adams: Well, so so that that takes me to but my very next thing. I mean, it's this is this is kind of funny that you're you're you're hitting it right off the rip. So here, think about that. You're letting him do things and and and getting that, you know, not being that have to handle everything for him is now he's succeeding on his own way Crystal Nevedale: Yeah. John Adams: further. How many people in our lives, and I say this in a general R, our listening audience, okay? How many people in our lives could probably succeed way more than we could have ever expected them to if we just stopped putting the burden on ourselves and let them let them fail, right? We're Crystal Nevedale: Yeah. John Adams: the question that we were asking maybe maybe the new title of this episode isn't. Why we can't fail. It's why we feel that the people that we're responsible for can't fail. If we let them Crystal Nevedale: Yeah. Yeah. John Adams: fail, they learn and then they succeed even more. They they Crystal Nevedale: Yeah, like I was I was with Jose. I was going to his apartment without him even knowing and I would clean and I would do the this, go buy this, go buy that, and do all these things for him and then I realized like I'm crippling him. I am crippling him because of my love is almost too much, too smothering. And I and I really was juggling so much that I don't even know how I was managing trying to do those things. And then one day I was like, you know what? If I don't wash his dishes, he'll wash his own dishes. John Adams: Yeah. Crystal Nevedale: If I don't change the cat litters, he'll you know what I mean? And I just one day decide, no, John Adams: Yeah. Crystal Nevedale: I'm done. And then one day I showed up at his house, it was like a month later, he wasn't home, and I just let myself in. I was like, huh. I'm like, he's got three new plants. Huh, there's no dishes in the sink. I'm like, Wow So it was like if Jose's been a really big he was my first child, so he's been a really John Adams: Yeah. Crystal Nevedale: big learning experience for me. I think because he was my first child, I felt like I had to like protect him in a different way or something because Alex, since he was fifteen years old, has done his own thing, made his own money, bought his own things. So I always felt like Jose like the one that needed a little bit more of me. It's weird now not needing nobody needing me. Yeah, right, right. John Adams: You got the grandkids, right? But no, but that's that's a powerful moment, right? You know, that Crystal Nevedale: It was, for sure. John Adams: you you kind of figured out that you know, yes, I need to be there for them, but I don't, right? And the the less that I am, maybe the more they will flourish even beyond my wildest dreams. So that's kind of where I'm at with this, is sometimes we just need to. Sit and take stock on what we put on ourselves, and do we really need to? And then above and beyond that, okay, if it is on you and you're giving your all and you're doing your best, and it's just still not working out, it's okay. The only time it's not okay is when you stop showing up, when you stop giving your all. If it fails and you don't give your all. Then it's on you. But if it fails and you gave your all, you did everything that you could, let it roll off your back. yes, it sucks. We get it. I know it's easier said than done. But at the end of the day, we have to. We have to relieve that burden from ourselves and we we carry it. And you know, there's too much mental health issues out there. There's too many other things for us to carry everybody else's burdens. and again, just just show up, do the best you can, and then it'll it'll work out. And if it doesn't, you know, the rethink the thing. Change it Crystal Nevedale: Yeah. John Adams: like we talked about it at the beginning. Life changes, it's fluid, right? Crystal Nevedale: And this is my my word advice today is that maybe the thing that you're failing at or have failed at is just being removed so something better can be put in its place. And maybe if John Adams: There you go. Crystal Nevedale: you could grasp onto some feeling like that, something that feels better when you say it, instead of I failed X, Y, and Z. Wow, I'm excited. What's coming now? What's on its way to me now that there's space for it? Who am I gonna meet? What am I gonna see? What am I gonna experience? Like maybe just changing your own dialogue to yourself, you know? That's the kinds of things I do mentally. I mean, John Adams: Yeah. Crystal Nevedale: everybody can do their own thing to heal and get through things, but your perception can be everything. John Adams: Yeah, no, that was that was the perfect end to the to this whole thing. I don't think I can top it off. I I'll just say to everybody out there that's listening, you don't need to carry everything. The people around you that you think are relying on you the heaviest, yeah, they they probably are relying on you, but they're not even in their own minds putting the burden that you're putting in your own head. So at the end of the day, they just need you. Just keep showing up in what way you can. It doesn't have to be this massive thing that you think. And that's it. Anything else from you, Crystal? Crystal Nevedale: That's it. John Adams: Awesome. Well, as always, stay healthy. Crystal Nevedale: City balance. John Adams: And keep driving forward. We'll see ya next time.