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An Unlikely Affair: Why Am I So Angry? · Untraditionally Lala

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Hi, Amber, Hi Lola, Welcome to an unlikely affair. Hey, babes,
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: it is La La kent with the human that I
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: freaking need because she's become my emotional support companion. Hello Amber, Hello.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: I was wondering if I was like an emotional support animal, Like,
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: what's like your inner animal? I wonder what mine would
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: be Like you have like that toughness and then you
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: have like that soft like you're like.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Maybe like a German shepherd because they're kind of kind
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: but can be mean. Right?
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: Is that me? Or you?
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Like we're kind of both.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: Like that you won't hurt my feelings.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: I guess an emotional support companion could be anything like
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: a chihuahua, even maybe I'm more Chihuahua.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: No that chihuahuas are not emotional. I do not see that.
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: You're like a koala bear.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: Wow. So it can be anything any animal. Yeah, of course,
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: nothing's off limits. I need to think on yours. We
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: played this game for the Valley After Show.
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: Who did?
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: You had to pick what person was what animal? And
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: I strictly went based off of looks.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: But isn't it crazy when people say you start to
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: look like your dog, like after a certain amount of time,
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: and so now I can't unsee certain Like so Jack,
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: my dog that I had when before he passed away.
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: He was a white Lab. Do I look like a
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: white Lab?
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: You could give me white lab energy, see I could.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: My dog was a black Lab Golden Retriever mix who
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: was so soft, wouldn't hurt a fly.
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: But Golden Retrievers can be tough dogs.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: Right. She was so sweet.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: I know. But then you have the pits. You have
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: the pits in the house.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah, don't fuck around or you will find out. You
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: will find out. I love that we're on this, uh,
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: this tangent of what animals would be because I have
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: a moment we both did of like, I wonder what
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: the what our audience wants us to talk about? And
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: we had such great questions come in that I didn't
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to neglect any of them. But one
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: of the top questions was anger, which was such an
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: interesting one to come in during this time of my
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: life because this person said, I am a la la
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: type hot head and I need to learn to express better,
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: like y'all, I'm like, well, when you figured that out,
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: let me know. So there's ten types of anger styles
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: assertive uses anger as fuel for positive change, addresses needs
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: directly without attacking others. Behavioral which is physical aggression, Chronic
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: which is resentment towards people's circumstances or oneself. Judgmental, righteous
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: triggered by perceived injustice, feels morally superior, can alienate others. Overwhelmed,
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: erupts when life out of control, signals that stress has
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: exceeded coping capacity. Passive aggressive we all know, retaliatory, instinctive revenge.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: I like that one self abuse, shame based anger turned
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: inward as negative self talk. Verbal which is shouting threats, ridicule, volatile,
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: flares up fast over big and small triggers that fades quickly. Wow.
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: Wow, there's so much to talk about here.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: I think I have a little bit of all of these.
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know what I think everybody does.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: Not the physical. Do you tend like even when you drink?
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: No, drink, No, you know what it is?
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: Is?
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: For me? A lot of times my anger, Yeah starts
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: out like you've seen me, very upset, but it is
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: like rage, and then within a matter of minutes it
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: turns into just like crying, like instant, like I'll just
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: start bawling my eyes out where I feel like some
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: people that and I'm grateful that I have that that
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: type of anger, because the other end would be you
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: get so angry that you become you know, violent, or
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: you throw things or you hit things. I've never experienced that.
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: I've seen it firsthand in other people. But I'm grateful
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: that I don't have that anger because it's just not
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: it's not in me. I'm a cancer. I want love.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: I always feel like when the anger comes out of me,
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: which is also something I need to work on. Let's
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: just say like in relationships, because like it's different. I
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: think when you argue with like your family, because I
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: think you know each other's deepest, darkest wounds, and sometimes
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: it gets so heated that like you want it hurt,
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: and luckily you know there's unconditional love there where like
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: if you can take a beat, I think forgiveness at
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: least in my family, we can get through it. But
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: there are times where I can be very passive aggressive,
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: other times that I'll be engaged in argument that I'm like, Wow,
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: I'm really proud of myself in this moment because I
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: feel like this was productive. I explained all of my
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: needs without attacking. But my biggest thing is I would
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: like to conquer the art of keeping my head where
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: my feet are and not having my emotions be contingent
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: on what the response is from the other person.
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: And I also think that you have to recognize, like, wow,
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: I'm really angry right now, because if you don't recognize
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: whatever that feeling of rage anger is, your body takes
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: over without it, like you instantly want to start yelling
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: or getting aggressive with someone. So I think it's like
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: you have to recognize and that takes years of practice,
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: like self reflection and then learning to pause, which, by
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: the way, it's so funny. I was on side note.
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: I was talking to a boy yesterday, a boy.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: Well, what's the what is the age of this boy? Now?
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: Why why are you going to the age? Why do
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: you go instantly to the age? Can you just say, like, oh,
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: I'm head.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: You called him a boy?
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: Okay? A man? Sorry? Oh sorry? A man? I was
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: the year?
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: Are we like in our thirties? What's happening?
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: He's a man?
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: Does he act like a man?
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: I don't know. I've never I've never interacted with this
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: person besides the telephone, and I and I stopped talking
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: for a second because I felt like I got like
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: a little triggered or I was going to say something
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: with maybe a little bit of spice or attitude, and
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: he's like hello, Hello, You're.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: Like, hold on, I'm pausing.
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: No, no joke. He's like. I was like, no, no, no,
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: I'm here. He's like, oh, I thought you hung up.
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: I said no, no, no, I was actually just taking a
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: pause before I actually spoke because I had to like
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: digest something really fast. And he's like okay, And I
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: was so proud of my moment, not only proud of
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: myself that I was able to like do that on
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: the phone and then actually expressed that I I was
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: like tell him what I was doing, which maybe he
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: didn't need to know that, but.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: Can I ask you what trigger do you? Or? No?
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: I actually actually don't even remember what it was. It was.
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: It was something to do with cheating. Actually, it was
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: something to do with cheating. Here's the thing. When I
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: see you get upset and I don't know what happens
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: on the television shows or The Valley or vander Pump,
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: I've only seen like a handful of clips. That's it.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: You have a good fucking reason to get pissed off,
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: and sometimes like myself, I think, like the first one,
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: what did it say, it's like useful anger as fuel
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: for positive change. Yeah, one hundred percent. When I'm being
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: lazy about, say, going to the gym and exercising, and
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: I'm having a hard time with either my mental health
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: or my add is all over the place, sometimes I
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: have to talk shit to myself. And maybe psychologists would say, oh,
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: that's not nice. You have to be gentle with yourself.
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: But I sometimes need to say, you are acting like
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: a piece of shit, you are not treating yourself right,
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: or you fat ass go to the gym and you
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: will feel better. Stop like looping in your head about
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: you don't feel good, but you know the solution, but
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: you don't want to have You don't want to actually
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: step forward and make the first step to relieve whatever
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: you're feeling. So sometimes, yeah, sometimes I for me, I've learned,
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: I get to a place where I have to talk
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: shit to myself.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: I have been there. I was there last night in
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: the middle of the night, I was thinking about my
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: day yesterday. That was just mental breakdown. It was a
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: mental breakdown. I don't know how else to put it
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: between having to deal with hughhose name we shall not mention,
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: and then you know, concerned about my mom and if
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: this is the new norm because you know she's really
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: struggling right now after the hip surgery.
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: Well I knew she was struggling, but it's a lot.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: I had a mental breakdown and last night I was
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: I just like woke up in the middle of the
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: night like you and I do at times, in full panic,
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: and I'm like, we're gonna get through this. Like how
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: dare you look at your life and think, oh my god,
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: life is just so hard right now, and like put
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: yourself into victim mode when there are people who are
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: fighting for their lives, who are getting diagnosed with life
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: altering diseases every single day, people who have lost their homes,
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: their homes have burned Like I went down the rabbit
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: hole of like people's homes have burned down and they've
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: lost everything. Like you wouldn't be tough enough to handle
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: that shit, you weak bitch.
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but I think you have to let you regardless
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: of someone else might be having a harder time in
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: their life circumstances, maybe at a ten when yours is
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: at a three. But the feelings are still the same
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: of like, oh my god, life is fucking overwhelming. I
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: think by dismissing the feelings and telling yourself that like
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: so and so down the street just got diagnosed with cancer,
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: so and so has breast cancer and she has three
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: little kids, like whatever it is, I think you have
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: to give yourself at a little bit of permission just
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: to be like, Okay, life fucking sucks right now, but
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: we're going to get through it. I could do hard
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: things and it's going to go away. It's just this
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: moment is just sucks. It sucks.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: I think it goes back to also practicing gratitude, right
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: because when I feel that I'm in this stage of life,
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: which again doesn't happen often, but sometimes I feel like
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: I've been hit by a tsunami where you look around
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: and you're like, why do I feel like I'm drowning
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: and there's no way out of this. And then I
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: get hit with the group chat that I'm in, which
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: is a group of sober women who talk about what
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: they're grateful for that day, and it forces you to
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: pause and rummage through the shit to get to the
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: good stuff. And even if it's something super small, like
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: I got to swim with my kids today, Like we
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: should focus on those things because sometimes that's the lifeline,
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: right And when I get into these stages, I go
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: from extreme anger or I lash out to just like
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: becoming a puddle.
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: It's not healthy.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: It's very, very, very toxic.
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: So I've been doing this journaling exercise along with reading.
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: The book is called Make Miracles in Forty Days by
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: Melody Beauty I think is her.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: Last night, you told me that you were reading this book.
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm reading the book and doing the exercise at
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: the same time. And what she talks about is you
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: don't sometimes you wake up like I did the other
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: day and when I count you and you're like shopping
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: and I'm like bawling here in Montana. I just woke
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: up really frustrated and angry. And then I was I
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: was like, how do you just wake up like this?
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: In the book you're supposed to actually write out. I
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: am grateful that I am feeling anxious today because whatever
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: it is, my kids are having a really hard time
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: with their group of friends, or I'm really angry and frustrated.
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: I'm grateful with that I'm feeling in like I have
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: self pity because I long for a romantic partner, like
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: whatever it is. So you're supposed to be grateful for
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: even the feelings that are not good, right, feeling anxious,
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: self pity, stress, rage, And then sometimes I get this
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: pin and I rage. Journal and it is the most
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: relief in the world. And by the way, like you
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: as you're journaling, the things that come out sometimes because
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: you're not supposed to stop, like and you're not supposed
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: to about like, you're not supposed to think about what
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: you're writing. You're just supposed to write. And what actually
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: comes out sometimes on paper is like, Oh, that's what's
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: really bothering me. It's really cool. I'm actually really enjoying
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: this exercise. But it's called make Miracles in forty days.
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: So I'm on day like, I have thirty five days left.
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: Let's see what happens. Let's see what fucking miracle I
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: can make. Callelujah.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: You know what, sometimes the miracle is just you feeling
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: like you've got you've got life for a moment, you know.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: I think we're all waiting for the big, the big
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: thing to happen, some great, some great big thing that's
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: tangible and sometimes it's like, no, the great thing that
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: just happened was you became a little bit of a
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: better person. Yeah, managed life a little bit better. And
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: we don't we don't measure success in that way. We
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: measure success on our accomplishments, how much money it brought in.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: I don't know if that's just our society here in America,
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: but it's exhausting. I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: And the thing is I enjoy I enjoy working, I
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: enjoy providing, but I also there are times where I'm like,
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: this is just not there's something internal that that we're lacking.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: And it really did. I feel like it happened after
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: that guy where it threw me for a loop. I
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: experienced a feeling. Keep in mind, it was nothing more
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: than a feeling that I had said for so long
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: I didn't want or need, because how can you want
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: or need something that you don't even know what it is? Right,
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: and then you experience it. It then goes away and
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: you're like, oh my god, I like that feeling. I
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: want that, but it doesn't just like it doesn't just
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: come to you like it's it has to be everything
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: has to be working right, the communication, the what is it?
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: The pheromones have to be just fucking a start.
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: The pheromones. I didn't even know that was like a
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: real I think as I've gotten older, that is a
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: real thing. Like I know it is probably when you're
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: younger and you subconsciously don't know. But no, you know,
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: I have to say, like, when hearing you say all
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: this stuff, it makes me realize that moving to Montana
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: has changed my perspective. So I think you should consider
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: getting a house out here.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: Well, I got to make some money because I've been
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: looking at mountain houses and I'm like, and I want
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: to be on a lake, and I'm like, I can
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: get one for just a cool six mil that I
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: would want.
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: Yes, let's let's find a cool lake house. Listen, I'm down.
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: We might be we might be doing it together. I
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: wouldn't be mad at that. But seriously, moving to Montana
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: has definitely changed my perspective in slowing down and I
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: think places like you know, the big cities within the
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: United States, it kind of just like you feel disoriented
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: and sometimes you can get caught up and literally coming
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: back to nature. Our friend Emma's here right now, and
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: she's like you and Lala need to go to Yellowstone together.
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: You guys need to do a vacation with the kids
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: for week. And I was like, oh my god, that
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: is a great idea. We should just go find a cabin.
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: We shouldn't Yellowstone take the kids. It's like, right now
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: is the perfect time before it gets like absolutely insane,
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: like you know midsummer where there's like four million people
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: going through Yellowstone and let the kids see like moose
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: and bears and baby cubs and the eagles, and oh,
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: I want to do that. That would fir.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: We are going to do that because that would be
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: good for my soul. And you don't sound like a
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: tree hugger. I quite literally turn into a tree hugger,
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: especially when I'm pregnant with Ocean. I went on this
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: hike and I think I was I think I was
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: six weeks pregnant with her in Utah and I found
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: this tree that just spoke to me and I just
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: sat and hugged it and my mom took a photo.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: So this last time that I was pregnant with Sosa,
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: we were in Joshua Tree and I found a Joshua
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: tree that spoke to me, and I hugged.
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: Just to get centered and just to you know, like
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: feel grounded during creating a life.
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: This is so crazy. I have to find this photo.
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: Shut the fuck up.
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: Do you do the same thing me hugging a tree?
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: Wait a second, like two months ago. I have to
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: find this photo and we'll pop it in and we'll
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: post it on the social I don't know, this is
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: the craziest story. I'm hiking and it was this is
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: where the scar came from, where it was really bad
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: and I was slipping, and I felt like two times
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: I saw this tree and I don't know what it was.
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: I was like, I want to hug that tree. Now
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: I'm in the mountains in Montana. I could have picked
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: any tree. I went and hugged this tree and this
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: guy that I was hiking with, And by the way,
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: let's pause for a second. When you hug a tree,
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: there's something energetically that's like, wow, this is like rooted
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: in mother nature. I don't know if you had that
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: similar feeling, but it was. It was so powerful. So
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: he took a picture. He turned around and he took
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: a picture on the other side of the tree, right
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: where my hands and I have the photo someone carved
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: a big cross and I didn't see it because I
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: was coming from behind the tree.
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah it is.
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: It was such a cool photo and I was like,
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: oh my gosh, I had to show you that photo.
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: So when you said that, I was like, yeah, it's
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: it's it's amazing. So you need to get your ass
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: out here, Yeah, I.
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: Do, because you can't find a tree that's worth hugging
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: in Los Angeles. They're all fucking planted there.
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: And pissed on, probably probably peed on.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: It's like, you know, I know, you go to places
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: like Montana, Utah. You're finding You're finding trees that have
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: seen some shit.
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: Oh one hundred percent. You know.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: I got it.
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: I cannot wait to show you this photo.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: No, you have to find it. I will. You have
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: to find it and send it into the pond. But yeah,
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: my here's the other thing with my anger. My anger
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: is used as a defense mechanism for two things. Two things,
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: and this is my toxic trade, one of many. I'm
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: not too proud to understand that my toxic traits are
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: alive and well, and it is very fucking hard to
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: break them when I get angry. If I really, really
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: fuck with you. I've got to be really engaged, right,
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: my I could go down the list of all ten
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: of these because I'm going to hit every stop to
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: get you to engage. H Do you think that's about
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: being being heard?
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: Like hearing? Do you feel like when you get really
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: angry and you start to see red, it's because the
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: other person is not hearing you, like truly hearing what
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: you're saying, seeing your perspective in the situation that's at play.
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel unheard, I feel unseen, I feel gaslt.
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: That's when I tap into you know, maybe if my
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: response is different, I'll get a different response from them
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: what I want. And that's the part of me that
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: wants to control something, right, I want to control it.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: The biggest part of the anger is that I'm trying
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: to put up a defense mechanism so that you see
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: me as angry because I'd rather see you I'd rather
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: you see me as angry than see me hurt, because
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: if I show you I'm hurt now, you may as
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: well be seeing me fully naked, sobbing in the fetal position,
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: most vulnerable place I'll ever be in.
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: Do you see vulnerability as a weakness?
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: No, like when I look at other people, Like when
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: I see someone get angry, I'm like, they're hurt. I
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: wish that they would just say that they're hurt. We
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: could have a productive conversation. But when it comes to me,
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: I'm like, you won't let me see. I'm not going
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: to let you see that side of me because then
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: you're gonna think I'm weak. And I know how people
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: treat weak people. So now I've got to put ten
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: toes down and I've got to fuck you up, and
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: I need to leave you very wounded, so you know
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: who the fucking boss is. And then the guilt kicks
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: in and it's like that was all driven by ego.
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: See the alcoholic in me is still alive, and well,
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: of course you just took this. Yeah, there are days
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: I'm driven by my ego the whole fucking day. And
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: then you have to go into the grief of it all.
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: M hmm, and then you do a tenth step when
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: you go to sleep.
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: I'm telling you what, amber you know what, You're fine.
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: I'm fine. Anyone out there experiencing grief or anger, sometimes
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: you it's okay to get fucking pissed.
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: They're one and the same too.
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: It's like, yes, I feel guilty sometimes for getting angry
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: at people who really deserve to have a freakin' I
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: was gonna go violent there for a second, but I paused.
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: Do you see that pause? You're like you need a
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: bat to your head because you're clearly not hearing me.
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: And I feel disrespected, And when I get to respected,
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: I'm pissed.
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: Those moments, I'm right there with you. Yeah, there are
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: times where I have gone fucking toes and I'm like,
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: you deserved it, you did this. I don't feel guilty
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: about it. I don't feel shame. I'm going to sleep
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: great tonight because I stand on every single word that
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: I said. I feel like those people don't have my
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: heart locked in. When my heart is locked in, it
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: is a different fucking ballgame. Yeah, i don't know where
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: I am, what I'm doing. I'm just looking for the life.
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: Raft do you feel that being on reality television, Like
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: in order to make good reality television, you have to
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: be like hot headed.
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: At the beginning of filming, Like when I first started,
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: I think maybe I was clocked into that where it
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: was like there's a job to be done. Now I
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: don't really notice the cameras. For me, what I love
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: about it is there's no picking your battles, right, Like,
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: if someone says something that you don't like, Normally, i'd
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: be like, I'm just gonna let this one. I'm gonna
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: let this one go. When someone does something where I'm like,
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: this is just completely wrong and I have to step in,
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: and I don't even think about, you know, cameras or
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: anything else that's going on. But when filming, I feel
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: like I'm very much especially filming the show that I'm
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: currently on, it feels like I'm more myself, if that
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: makes sense, because for the first time in filming, you know,
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: the first however many years of vander Pump, it was
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: I was new to la now on a reality show.
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: Then I met our ex that I had to hide
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: and that was very chaotic. And then finally I was
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: like in a relationship that I could talk about, and
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: it was strange because then I was sober. At this
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: point in time, there was a lot of trying to
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: find myself and then voice too.
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: Do you think I would be good at reality or
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: do you think I would just be crying all the time,
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: because if you know that my anger, like I get
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: angry and then it cries like I would be. I
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: should be just back on another soap opera, just crying
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: all the time.
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: I think that you would not enjoy it, And I
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: know how you get when you don't enjoy something, you
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: shut down.
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: You know me, so, well, yeah.
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: You would not enjoy it in the least, in the least.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: I think you would hate it. Really, at least the
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: shows I've been on, I think you would be. You
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: would not come out of your room, which is fine,
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, I always say,
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: doing certain reality TV shows, you're making a deal with
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: the devil, and they're they're fun to make, but there
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: is a level of separating reality from reality. Because this
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: world will eat you alive. You have to be able
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: to turn it off, like I when I go and film.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: In order for me to come home and live a happy,
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: healthy life, I got to shut it off and say
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: that's that's that life. This is my other real life.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: Now this is reality.
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and the two cannot coexist. But this is the
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: first year I filmed where I've learned a lot. I
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: had three years to really focus on myself. I have
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: roots of my own, you know. I bought a house
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: that's just mine. I have two kids, one that I
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: you know, really chose to have being a single mom. Like,
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: it's on my terms. So filming this year, you know,
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: I did clock things where I was like, I'm going
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: to give it a pause. I'm going to give it
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: a beat. People would say things and it's like, I'm
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: not going to react right now because I could be
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: taking it out of context. They keep coming for me,
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: then I may have to then then we'll cross that
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: bridge when we get to it. But again, those relationships
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: are so different than and your relationship with your family,
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: your intimate partner. Like, I'm still learning how to how
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: to manage different relationships in my life, and I'm a sabotager.
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: I just recently learned that about myself.
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: Well, why what happened? Can you share? What do you mean?
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: Did you recently sabotage something that I'm not aware of? No?
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: I think that. Well, even yesterday I had to blow
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: up with my family and my goal was to fucking
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: sabotage myself everyone's day. It was like today my mission
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: is to fuck it all up. I had my mental breakdown.
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: I had a mental fucking breakdown.
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: Do you feel better today.
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: I felt great last night. I was cackling with Easton
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: last night, like, sometimes those breaking points are good because
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: it's been a build up. Mmm, but I would like
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: to be able to walk away. And when my family
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: was walking away, I felt a band in to buy them.
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: I don't know if walking away that's just being avoidant.
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: I'm not that that's for sure, No, but that's why
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: you're gonna That's what's so beautiful about you. You're going
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: to take things on head on. And maybe it's not
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: you're not showing up with your best foot forward, or
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: you're just so fueled by like anger or rage or sadness,
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: whatever it is, like, but you're you're willing to confront
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: hard things in life. And that is a beautiful trait
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: to have. And don't lose sight of that, because you're
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: going to teach your girls not to be passive aggressive
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: and to say like, Okay, yes we can get into
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: a fight, but we could also recover quickly, and that
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: that recovery is also like saying, hey, like, I know
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: that was probably a little aggressive, but you know or whatever.
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: I came out that with a major attitude and I
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: was hot headed, like I'm really sorry, But it doesn't
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: take back what you said. It didn't doesn't take back
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: what the message was, Like, I don't fucking like when
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: you don't pick up your clothes in your bedroom, Like,
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: this is our castle, this is our castle, let's keep
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: it clean.
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: Right, that's a whole other shit. Don't even get me
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: started right now that we bring the kids into play. Yeah,
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: I will say you and I were talking about being
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: in relationships with men, and I have learned that.
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: There are certain I have. I feel like there is.
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: Such thing as doing too much work on yourself where
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: you're so self involved and trying to make changes that
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: it becomes like someone's drowning you and keeping you underwater.
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: There are things about myself where I go you know
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: what that needs to change. But there are times, and
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: I think I've hit this time where I'm like, we
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: need an overhaul, we need to change who we are.
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: And it's like, no, that's not the answer. What needs
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: to happen is you need to welcome someone into your
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: life who can meet you where you are and you
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: can meet them where they are. Yeah, And I was like,
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: I'm going to need someone who who my spiral you
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: find fucking endearing. They're gonna be like that's so hot exactly, Like, oh,
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: it's like a fun little ride.
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: That means come grab my ass, babe.
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: When I tell you leave me alone today, I don't
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: want to talk to you, that's your cue to fucking engage. Engage. Okay,
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: opposite day, when I'm spiraling, I can't be the only one?
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: Well does that count with my relationship with you? Not
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: that we've ever had, but in the future if you're like,
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: you know all the sexual relationships, Oh, got it, this
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: is only romantic.
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: Relationships, got it. I am actually very fucking proud of
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: myself in friendships right now, because when someone does something
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: that I'm not into, I pause and I say, I
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: need to take a moment because I don't want to
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: lash out at you and I want to have a
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: productive conversation, So just give me a moment. I guess
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: what that That is me saying I want to show
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: up for you the way you deserve. But also there's
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: a boundary, and I'm not going to compromise my boundaries
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: for the sake of making you fucking feel Okay.
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: All right, I was looking up acronyms for pause present
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: except understand surrender, evolve, pause, acknowledge, unhook ooh, unhook. I
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: love that word. Actually, unplug.
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: I love an unplug.
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Oh you know what, because that's electricity. Right when
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: you plug it in, you got electricity. Baby, when you unplug,
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: there's no fucking electricity. No, and no one's gonna get shocked. No, no,
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: And that's the whole point. Don't make me electrocute that ass.
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: Let me unplug for the sake of both of us, okay,
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: because once that happens, it's hard for the party to recover.
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: And I also want to tap into a place of
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: when I'm in a state of anger, if I can pause.
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: I am so fucking sick of saying sorry, this is
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: this is what happens here. Here is the the series
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: of events. Someone fucking comes for me. I retaliate based
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: on what they did, but my wrath is ten times
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: more brutal than their initial attack. And then guess what,
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: everyone forgets about what they did, and I have to go,
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry that I said that, and now it's all
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: on me. I'm the psychopath, and I'm like, does no.
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: One remember don't poke the bear? Yeah, no, it's a trigger.
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: Don't shoot at a bear.
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: And miss also, yeah, that's just gonna kiss me off,
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: go for the jugular.
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: Sometimes I really just am like, and it's funny just
• 31:52
  Speaker 2: thinking about it. I feel my body.
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: Are you feeling heightened right now? Thinking of it?
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: I feel so heightened?
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: Dame, I'm reading to fucking tear someone up?
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: Who am I gonna? Who am I gonna fucking fuck up?
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: After this podcast is done? Like? Who am I gonna
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: go after? That's like cross the boundary which we all
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: know the person.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: That guy.
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: I'll never forget. I had a therapist tell me, you know,
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: when your kids, you're trying to teach them to apologize, right,
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: and you're like, you just hate your sister, Like you
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: need to say you're sorry. And then I had a
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: therapist say you can't force your kids because then it's
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: gonna sound like this I'm sorry and like super not genuine.
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: And I was like, oh my god, what happens. Yeah,
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: then you're supposed to say, when you're ready to apologize,
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: you need to say sorry. And I'm like, but kids forget,
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: like five minutes later they're playing with legos, or they're
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: like doing their makeup or parentally room that has no
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: fun stuff. Well, you know what you're supposed to do.
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: You're supposed to put him on the third stare if
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: you have a staircase, or on a step, because if
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: you say, if you have a two story house, you
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: put them on the third step, it's boring. They're isolated
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: and it's not not dangerous. I think I need this
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: was like therapy for me just now. Good glad I
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: could be of service waiting for the cycle to end. Oh,
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: you and me both, let's go do something great today.
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: I'm trying to think of what I could do. But yes,
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna do something great and then I'll.
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: Let you do something great today. Okay, yeah, I love
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: it you guys, Thank you for listening to another episode
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: of An Unlikely Affair. We love you. A reminder a
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: new episode of An Unlikely Affair with myself and Amber
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: Chillders airs every Thursday at nine pm, where you can
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: catch it the next day.
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: We love you, Bye, love you guys. Bye,