Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep10: Strip Down the Hustle 🤣.

Transcript

S3 Ep10: Strip Down the Hustle 🤣. · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm in therapy.
• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Anybody here in therapy?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oh wow, that's a nice response.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Usually it's just one person that's like, help, help.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk to you.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think therapy is amazing.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but I guess not everybody always needs therapy.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, some people do need therapy.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: And you can usually tell who those people are because they say things like, I don't need any fucking therapy.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: I prefer to be a burden to my loved ones.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, uh, sir, this is an Arby's.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you shouting?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: You're alarming the children.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: I had to work on my self-worth in therapy because I kept attracting some of the wrong people.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: One of my friends told me this quote.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: She said, Once you know your worth, you'll stop giving people discounts.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, well, slap my tits and call me Groupon, baby.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Boy.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: I've been out here like, hey, you got a personality disorder and no job, this pussy's 90% off.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Hey.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: No credit, no problem.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Get it here.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: That makes it sound like my life has been a dick buffet.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: It has not.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I have a very low body count.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: I love that that's what we call it.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Body count, like we're all just fucking people to death, like.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Sounds so system of a down for no reason, you know?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: I think I would have a higher body count if STDs didn't exist, but I'm just so terrified to ever get one that I don't want to gamble.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I just can't believe that in 2022, our best defense against them is still just condoms in the honor system.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Scouts honor, bro.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, you lied about your height.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm supposed to trust you on chlamydia?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Kick rocks.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Get out of here.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: I was reading online that uh some of the very first condoms back in the 1800s were really thick.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like they used to basically just cut up bike tires.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: They've obviously gotten thinner over time, which I'm sure was a guy's idea, you know.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: I bet the women back then were pissed, like, but keep it girthy! Keep that deep dish, Connemont! We don't have electricity.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: This is the only joy I have.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: I had a woman come to one of my shows recently who I think was from the 1800s.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she was very old.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: And she came up to me afterward and she was like, I was a makeup artist for 30 years.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And at this point I'm thinking, oh, I think she's about to compliment my makeup.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's so nice.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And then she goes, Your face was so oily when you were on stage.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: It was the only thing I could look at.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: The lights were hitting it so bright that I had to squint to look at you.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when I heard my brain say, well, tonight's the night we go to jail for throat punching someone's nana.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Do you just hit a certain age where you walk around like, fuck it, burn it to the ground?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Just traumatizing people.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, who is this woman's poor husband?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: We gotta save him.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: I just picture him getting out of the shower and she's like, your balls make me sick.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I didn't say any of that to her.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was just like, what powder do you recommend?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I have no backbone.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I've also become self-conscious of this very specific thing.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Did you girls have that dress code in middle school where you had to wear shorts that were longer than the length of your fingertips to your sides?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: To prevent girls from wearing booty shorts.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: So that was the day I learned I have freakishly long arms.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: For my short height.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm only 5'4.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: All the girls had a lineup.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: We put our arms down.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know if you can see what's happening right now.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'll show you on this side too.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: But I did this, and I looked down and I was like, oh no.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna have to wear men's Gene Co jeans to not get expelled.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Just rolling into home egg with my chain wallet and lugs, like.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Spake these muffins, Diane.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: The third member of the insane clown posse.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know much about the insane clown posse, but it does make me laugh, picturing those guys having to take their makeup off at the end of the night.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because they just they seem so tough on stage, like, I'm gonna stab this dude and bang your chick.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then two hours later, they're like, these Yuchajina wipes are lovely.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Don't burn my eyes.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: So before I started headlining, I used to open on tour for a comedian named Jim Norton.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Anyone here, Jim Norton fan?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Nice! Got some gym heads in the house.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: So Jim's favorite thing to do is to humiliate people.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I made the mistake of telling him that I embarrass very easily for a comedian.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: And he just milked that every day for three years on tour.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: When we were in public, he would constantly accuse me of shoplifting.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: We would be checking out at a CVS pharmacy and just deadpan in front of the cashier.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: He would turn to me and go, Are you not gonna pay for all the things in your purse?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I would just start shivering like a shelter chihuahua.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like I would just end up paying for lipstick that I've owned for five years.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, just take my money, I'm so sorry, I hate this.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Was traumatizing.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: By far, the most embarrassing thing he would do, he would do with his bodyguard.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: We traveled with this seven-foot-tall guy named Kenny.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Picture Frankenstein with less people skills.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Just an oath.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know if you women have ever ordered anything on victoria's secret.com, but sometimes you get that free tote bag with purchase.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: If you have even a shred of self-respect, you immediately throw it in the garbage where it belongs.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: I used it as my day-to-day purse for seven years.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: I have no dignity.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: It says Victoria's Secret in big letters on the sides, like it's very obnoxious.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I would travel with this.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: So when we were on tour, we'd have to get to the airport at five in the morning.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: And you guys know how you look at the airport at 5 a.m., right?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Just greasy, disheveled, gross.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd look like that, and I'd have this bag, and everybody's just quietly shuffling about the airport.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: And all of a sudden, his bodyguard would shout, Victoria's secret model coming through.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And everybody, and I mean everybody, would stop and look at me wide-eyed and then go.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know how quickly your self-esteem goes in the toilet?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: When you can watch a hundred people decide in half a second, like, no, she's not.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, alright.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Just gonna go walk into traffic now, thanks.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm from Washington State originally, and uh they just passed this new legislation that is banning schools from continuing to use Native American mascots, which is great.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: And the high school I went to, our mascot was the Blackhawks.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it takes a linguistic specialist to tell the difference between somebody saying, Blackhawks and black cocks.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: And let me tell you, it was pretty wild growing up going to football games and watching a dozen cheerleaders shout to a stand of parents, we love black hawks, yes we do, we love black hawks, how about you?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then watching everybody on the other team be like, what the fuck?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's like the mating call of the Kardashians.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I had my Bachelorette party down in Vegas and we went to the Magic Mike Live show.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Has anybody here been to the Magic Mike Live Show?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, we got a few, oh, are you still wet?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Hey.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: They brought it back during COVID, which surprised me because if we are concerned about droplets, women are gushing fluid at this show.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Medically, it's a problem.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: It changes the humidity in the room.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Women with straight hair leaf with curly hair.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a rainforest cafe in there.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: That air is thick.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Three C's.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: But now that the show's back, you gotta go.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it is the cream of the cock.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Just chef's kiss.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: For two hours, these oiled up six packs just grind the stage, they sing to you, they liquid cream off your body, and then they bring some women on stage, and then they take your top off, and then they take your pants off, and then they fuck you.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm kidding.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to see how far you guys would go with me on that.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Did you hear how quiet it got in here?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Could you feel every woman just slowly leaning further forward in her seat?
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like pulling out her phone checking flights to Vegas.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Taxi.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Were you like, was I in the bathroom when that happened?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: How did I miss that?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: No, they don't do that.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: That'd be pretty dope.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Probably charge a lot more for tickets.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: But you do get a lot for your money.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of the show, they do bring some women on stage, and then they put you in harnesses, and they put one of the guys beneath you, and you get to like ride the men into the sky like free willy.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: They get you hornier than you've ever been in your entire life.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then they just set you loose.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Back into the wild.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Single dudes, if you were ever trying to fuck in Vegas, just go stand outside the Magic Mic exit.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like a catcher.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Or running out of their holes open like a starfish, ready to go.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's something TripAdvisor doesn't tell you, and that's what I'm here for.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like your creepy uncle.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Just helping you get laid.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: I would like to go back to the show, but not for anything wedding related, because there's usually two types of women that go.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: The host comes out and he goes, Alright, ladies, make some noise if you're here for a bachelorette party! There's a bunch of young 20-something girls that are like, oh my god, penises! And then the host goes, All right, now who here's celebrating a divorce?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just one table of women in their forties, like, give me your dick.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh my god.