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Crawl Out of Your Own Way with Bryan Blackmon · Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano

• Lyndsay Soprano (00:01) This is Giving Pain Purpose, where we talk about the game of living in and with chronic pain and trauma. I'm your host, Lindsay Soprano. On this show, I sit with the warriors, loved ones, doctors, holistic practitioners, and those who've walked through hell and want their voices heard. You don't have to heal quietly and you don't have to fight alone. I have had a tumultuous life, a blessed one, but a tumultuous one that has been strewn with trauma. Some of the things that have happened to me were my own damn fault. I'm the first one to admit that, but a great deal of the things that have happened to me were not. And what I have learned the hard way is that most of the time it was the people that I chose to have in my circle that were bringing me down. And I had to hit my personal rock bottom before I was ready to claw my way out of where I had landed. And the people that we choose to have in our lives are so crucial, you guys. They can either lift you up or tear your ass down. They can help you build your dreams or they can set them on fire. They can believe in you or let their narcissism and destructive behaviors replace your joy. And so I have something called a personal board of directors. That is a small group of people of different age ranges that I run fairly large decisions by and get their way in on what they think about the decision X, Y, or Z before pulling the trigger. Um, and this group does not have to be large, guys, but it is necessary, I think, and I encourage you to start your own personal board of directors. My personal board of directors has changed over the years as my needs have, as I've grown, as I've changed into this beautiful and amazing woman that I am. And just recently, one member got fired. And I had to make a very difficult and sad decision of letting go of a 30 year relationship with an albatross who simply adds zero value to my life anymore. He has continued to drag me down and make me feel terrible about myself, and I decided no more. So, anyways, today we are going to be talking about relationships and dreams being shattered, a life riddled with addiction and homelessness. And we will come out on the other side of it feeling pretty groovy. I promise. You're going to learn about something called the crab crew life. And supporting what I am talking about in reference to the people we have in our lives, I want to start with something that my guest said about crew crab crew life. Crabs in a bucket don't need a lid to keep them contained. They've got each other to do that. The moment one tries to climb out, the others drag it back in. And unfortunately, people do the same thing. And sometimes that crab pulling you down is you. So Drumroll psees. So without further ado, I would like to introduce you to my cute as a crab guest today, Bryan Blackmon. What's up, my boy? Bryan Blackmon (02:58) What's up, my friend? How are you? Thank you so much for having me. What an intro. Lyndsay Soprano (03:02) Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. Welcome to Giving Bame Purpose. We finally made it here, babe. I am so excited. So you'll hear in a little bit of his drawl that Bryan left Texas for California. He is here in Southern California, just a couple minutes away from me, actually, chasing a dream. But somewhere along the way, that dream turned into a bit of a nightmare. He found himself homeless, sleeping in his car and battling alcohol and addiction. The life he had imagined was slipping away, and so was the man he wanted to become. Then enters Elaine, at the time an 85-year-old, now 89-year-old landlord who helped change the course of his life. But rebuilding meant Bryan had to face his demons. Ugh, I hate having to that. Confront the choices that brought him to rock bottom and make the decision every single day to fight for something better. Today, Bryan is sober and the founder of The Crab Crew Life, which we're gonna get into, a global community built on accountability. Resilience and the uncomfortable work of real transformation. And his story isn't about an overnight comeback. It's about hitting rock bottom, doing the hard work, and proving that no matter how deep the hole, you can still claw your way right on out of it. So let's get started with what this big dream of yours was that brought you to California. And then let's kind of crab crawl our way through our bitching conversation that we're gonna have. Bryan Blackmon (04:23) Okay. Um, I wanted to be a rock star from the time that I was really little. I come from uh musically inclined background. My mom's side of the family are all musicians and um I first was watching um T V with my dad on the living room floor when I was like seven and uh I heard Quiet Riot Bang Your Head video I'm on MTV and I just immediately knew like, my god, I want a guitar, like right now. And I told my dad that after the video and was like, I I whatever that is, like I want to be a part of that. And my dad told me that it was a pipe dream. One in a million will make it, and you will not be the one to make it. Lyndsay Soprano (05:02) I love the support. Bryan Blackmon (05:04) Great support. And I remember speaking of which, I remember looking at my dad and and without really knowing or understanding, I understood in this really strange way that I don't think you're supposed to say that to your kid. I mean, I don't I it took me many, many years later to understand that I do remember thinking that in in some way. But uh yeah, and I just I always wanted to to move to California after I saw a Quiet Riot, Bang Your Head, Motley Crue, Poison, all these bands were You know, coming out with the the eighties hairband medal on MTV and I just knew that I wanted to go to Los Angeles. And it took me till I was forty five and at the beginning of COVID to make that decision. But that's when I got here. Lyndsay Soprano (05:48) Wow. Okay. And you're forty eight right now, like I am. We're aging gracefully, by the way, considering all of the demolition derby we've done to our Bryan Blackmon (05:56) Look in the mirror and think that every day. Lyndsay Soprano (05:58) God, you are good looking. Okay, so you get here and what do you start doing? What are you doing for a living? What you you get to California and you're like, Okay, I've gotta get a job, I've gotta do something, I'm not gonna be up with on stage with quiet riot and poison like overnight. So what how so what did you start doing? Bryan Blackmon (06:19) Well, I had this one guy that I'd met. I I flew out here a year before I moved here, um, from a friend of mine that I went to high school with. She moved out to Los Angeles right after high school and became a big porn star. And she got into a lot of trouble out here. She got into a lot of trouble out here, came back to Texas. I just got my degree in audio and video production from the Art Institute of Dallas. So we're hanging out one night and she said that, you know, you're probably not gonna do what you want to do or what you're capable of doing. Um, here in Texas with your degree. I've got some people in LA. Why don't I, you know, link up with my ex-boyfriend? He works in a studio in Malibu. And um, I was like, you know what? Great. Let's go. So I flew out here and I hung out in Venice and in Malibu for the weekend. And I just knew, like, I got off the plane and got there and I just knew that this had to be it. I told my friend or the guy that I met, he wasn't my friend yet, that I'll be back in a year, man. And uh, of course, like everyone else, I imagine would say. Yeah, right. Well, never see you again. You know, you're not gonna do it. Everybody says that, but they're not gonna do it. So I I had I made a decision, man, that no matter what, I was gonna I was gonna figure it out. And um I got back to Texas and I I literally wrote out in a notebook everything that I had to do. I just wrote in a a list front and back of everything that I needed to do to get to California. And uh for a year I just started working on it. And I still have that piece of paper today. It's in my bedroom that I wrote California awaits you, California needs you, California awaits you, all around it. And for a year, I I I literally spent as much time as I possibly could, and a lot of days I would fail, a lot of months I failed. Um, I didn't get anything done. I I thought, you know, maybe this was gonna be a little bit harder than than I could have even imagined. Next thing I know, I was packing up everything that I could put into a storage unit in Dallas, Texas, the rest of my little car, and and drove out here. Now, when I got out here, did I have any plans? No. I had gotten a little bit of money from COVID, right? And so and then I'd saved up some money. And when I got up here I was introduced to the scooter business in Venice Beach that my buddy Jamie was doing. And so we were both renting scooters around Honey or around Venice Beach and um it just became a a nightmare that didn't work out. So things just started falling apart really quickly. Lyndsay Soprano (08:42) Mm-hmm. So when I well, yeah, when things fall apart, it's usually all of a sudden it's like, whoa, like it unravels pretty quick. It's like when you pull a string on a sweater, you're like, son of a bitch, that's not a sweater anymore. You Bryan Blackmon (08:54) Yeah. Exactly. Lyndsay Soprano (08:55) should have just cut the string instead of trying to pull it. Exactly. so when were you already battling with addiction issues when you were living in Texas, or did that not start until you were in California? Bryan Blackmon (09:06) No, that started at fifteen. The only Lyndsay Soprano (09:09) Okay. Let's talk a little bit about that. Bryan Blackmon (09:13) time that I stopped was in rehab or jail. Lyndsay Soprano (09:16) Okay, there you go. Bryan Blackmon (09:18) That that's always been something that I've struggled with since I was fifteen, off and on. It more on than off. Lyndsay Soprano (09:24) Yeah. Bryan Blackmon (09:26) I just when I from a young age at fifteen, I started, you know, going to high school parties like we all do. When I started drinking and smoking pot in the ninth grade, it just became a way for me to fill that void. Life was always really loud for me. I it wasn't anxiety filled. It it I didn't feel anxious. I just felt like, my God, this is too much for me. I need I wanted to like reach outside of myself and touch something. I I wanted to be a part of something greater than what the world or the people around me could give me. And I didn't understand that till till many years later that that's what I was chasing for. Um And then in the tenth grade, going into the eleventh grade, I started doing heroin. I was already taking mushrooms and and Xanaxes and doing Coke and all that stuff. And then um the eleventh grade is when my heroin addiction really kicked in. And um first rehab was in the twelfth grade. I dropped out of the twelfth grade and uh went to rehab for for heroin addiction. And Lyndsay Soprano (10:24) Well. Bryan Blackmon (10:25) I was already doing meth at the time. So it wasn't meth back then, it was crank. Yeah. oh Lyndsay Soprano (10:28) Lord, you are an overachiever. If there's one thing you've got tenacity. Bryan Blackmon (10:35) To really, really you know, do my best and try it all. I didn't want to leave anything untouched. Lyndsay Soprano (10:40) Right. I mean every rock needs to be turned over. Bryan Blackmon (10:42) want to see what really what really filled that that hole that I had in my heart. And so I tried it all. Lyndsay Soprano (10:48) Yeah. Bryan Blackmon (10:49) So fast forward, you know, my entire life, I I just started getting into a lot of trouble, a lot of rehabs, a lot of uh jail, in and out of jail, and then a short term in prison. And I've always been that guy. Right? Everybody will always say, well, if you want to go somewhere, go to a concert and end up not sh coming back home for a week and you want to party Lyndsay Soprano (11:12) Yeah. Bryan Blackmon (11:12) Brian's got you. Brian's the guy that can make that happen. Lyndsay Soprano (11:15) I don't know. Do they make T shirts for that as well for you? I'm with Bryan. I hang out with Bryan. Bryan Blackmon (11:20) I got the Yeah, they should have. Um, but yeah, then I realized after I got sober, looking back and kind of evaluating all of this, uh fight or flight mode is just how I lived my life. You know, I wanted to there's that fault line, you know, and some people dance on it, some people come really close to it. I jumped over it and and took it as far as I could. And and when I say that, I mean the life and and the drinking and the drugs. I'd I really like to explore how far I could push things. And um you know, it it turned into a very dark way of life and scary. Lyndsay Soprano (12:00) Yeah, it is scary. I I didn't battle I didn't I've I've never done heroin or meth or any of those things, but I did I I had my fair share of cocaine over the years and I loved it. Like I seriously, like there's if you buy cheap wrapping paper, it smells like cocaine. So I had to get expensive Christmas wrapping paper because it does. I swear to fucking god. And so like I if if if it came in front of me, I would be so tempted to do it again. And I don't think I would come I it would take me a while to come back from that all over again. So I know myself well enough. So what ended up getting you down? Now you're like, you're like in financial ruin, right? What ends up happening? You're homeless, you're living on the streets, you're living in a car, and you're here in California. And we have a huge homelessness problem, specifically in Los Angeles, but also in Orange County. So can you talk to us a little bit about how that ended up happening? How long did that last? Bryan Blackmon (12:49) Well, I was live Jamie and I, the guy that I moved out here in in in Lyndsay Soprano (12:53) Scooter Boy. Bryan Blackmon (12:54) scooter boy, yes. Lyndsay Soprano (12:57) Damien Scooter Boy. We're changing your name in his phone to Scooter Boy. That's exactly Bryan Blackmon (13:02) what I'm doing. Um, him and I were both parting pretty hard. We couldn't make our living situation work. So we, you know, it got pretty volatile. And that's when I ended up sleeping in my car for a little bit and then realized that there's a place or a a a thing called a hostel. Yes. Right. And I didn't know what a hostel was. I don't never seen or heard of a hostel. And um so I started staying in there and and so then I got a little bit more money from the state of California for um I'd lost the scooter job and was now unemployed. So I had a little bit of money and so I started staying in a hostel and then summer hit and the prices went up and it was in Venice right across the street from the beach and I couldn't afford it anymore. And uh some guys that were staying there in this hostel I got to know over the weekend they were from Colorado. And when they were leaving, I had a storage room in in Venice that um that I had some of my stuff in because I couldn't care. I just Like any Twicker does, I just started picking things up along the way. And so these guys were like, Hey man, we've got this brand new tent and we can't take it back on the plane to Colorado with us. So if you want it, we got this brand new, like really nice tent. I was like, I don't need a tent. Sure enough, I ended up taking it and putting it in my storage room and then the rent went up and the hostel I couldn't afford it anymore. So I went and pulled this tent out and started, you know, um living in this tent on the library lawn. in between north and south Venice Boulevard. And uh that area was just it was so filled with homeless people right there um along the the side of North and South Venice Boulevard. And people were starting to now put their tents up in that library lawn area. Well I didn't I didn't have anybody. It was just me. Yeah. So I couldn't go out and and hustle or do anything with it up and my stuff in it. So I had to set it up every single night and tear it down every morning and put it in my car and then go hustle and do whatever I had to do to make, you know, ends meet or just feed my addiction. And I just kept meeting people. I I literally would just meet people. And this one guy in Santa Monica said he's got a room for rent and um I was waiting on some more money from unemployment. And um so he was, you know, trying to take advantage of me and his drinking was even crazier than mine was. So him and I had a falling out. So I left there, ended up homeless in Santa Monica. Then a friend of mine from Texas had a friend that lived in Woodland Hills. And um before that, one of his friends took me in and she lived in Canoga Park. Lyndsay Soprano (15:29) Okay, these are all areas in Los Angeles, by the way, just so you guys know. God, Culver City. Bryan Blackmon (15:33) City. So now I'm in Culver City Venice, Santa Monica to Culver City. Yeah. And her and I couldn't get along because of the way I was living my life. And she kinda saw that, you know, I was a little bit out of control and she was like, I can't have you here anymore. Like this is too much for me. And then the same thing happened with another friend that I had met through, a another friend in Dallas, and she tried to help me out in Woodland Hills and her house. And then she was like, Look, I gotta get you out of here. I got a kid here. Um, you could go stay in my office in Canoga Park and You could do that to you, you know, start getting back on your feet. Now I got a job in audio and video production, working, you know, as a stage hand. So I I did finally get a job and was making a little bit of money at the time and um just bouncing around from from place to place. And then when she allowed me to stay in her office, I didn't realize that, you know, it was her business. I didn't really know that there were cameras everywhere and the things that I was doing inside her business without thinking they were Lyndsay Soprano (16:32) Dancing to Tiffany once again. Bryan Blackmon (16:34) Yeah. And she finally reached out was like uh Lyndsay Soprano (16:39) Yeah, I got you on camera. my goodness gracious. Yeah. And all of that time, I mean, you're confronting your demons. You've been living in tents. You're bouncing from place to place. You're never feeling like at home anywhere. These dreams of yours of moving to Los Angeles. And there are so many people that want to move here uh to become famous, to become rock stars, to become actors and actresses. And so many do not make it. It is such a small percentage of people that actually make it. And so, you know, that and of itself is disheartening for anybody because, you know, you're like, these are my big dreams, and then you just shattered all of them. But it's interesting that you ended up still being able to work within the stage, and I know that you still do as well, um, which is pretty cool. So what ended up what finally made you decide that you didn't want to live that way anymore? And how did you get down to Huntington Beach, which is in Orange County, California? Bryan Blackmon (17:31) Uh I was just the best way that I can describe that situation is I was guided here. Now there was this one girl that I met on Instagram and we didn't know each other. We I she just made a post one day that said my sex life is a lot like my Ferrari. I don't have one. Well, I made some funny comment back on it, not knowing that we were even following each other. Like I had no idea who this girl was. Sure. And it turns out she lived in Huntington Beach. So we messaged back and forth a few times and again I'm living in Canoga Park. And one day I said, Hey, I'm gonna come out there and and hang out. She goes, I don't know you. And I was like, Well, what are you doing today? It was like a Saturday, I didn't to work. And she goes, My friend from LA is coming over. We're gonna go have lunch in downtown Huntington Beach. And I All right, well, I'm on my way. And she goes, Please don't like I don't know you. You're not coming and I was like, No, I'll see I'll see you in a little bit. Yeah, exactly. And I did. Lyndsay Soprano (18:22) Do not do this, ladies. I Bryan Blackmon (18:25) I drove out here and I she told me the restaurant they were going to and I just walked up and said, Hey and we kind of her and and this other friend of hers, we hung out for the rest of the day and, you know, had some drinks and started smoking pot on the beach and I went back and then I got into trouble. And then the rest of it, I just felt like I was guided here. Right. I um something said go back. And um I ended up sleeping in my car out here on PCH and her and I remained cool for a little while. She would let me come over and and take a shower a few times a week and and you know, eat and um just rest a little bit. And the rest of the time, you know, it was in my car. I was driving back and forth to LA every day and um it got really I was beat up, man. By this point, I was physically, mentally, emotionally just drained. I I really had had enough at this point. I i it wasn't wanting to quit drugs and alcohol. I I there was no even attempt at trying to get clean. Um and so I started looking for a place to rent out here and a lot of times I found that it was either too expensive than what I wanted to pay, or I used to say that I didn't get along with the people who invited me into their home to see about renting a room from But it was because I was walking in, you know, reeking of alcohol and twigged out like so let me see. Do you give is it my bedroom or is do we have a like a do I have to share a bedroom with somebody? Like what's the what's the story here? Lyndsay Soprano (20:00) Fucking crackhead. Yes. Jones Bryan Blackmon (20:03) And it's Lyndsay Soprano (20:05) in all over the place. Yeah. Bryan Blackmon (20:07) I was. And I it's I can't really um I don't hide it too well. I'm functioning. Yeah. But you can tell that there's someone and Lyndsay Soprano (20:17) Wrong with me. Bryan Blackmon (20:18) um so at which point I kept just going back to my car and driving back and forth and sleeping on PCH and I came across Elaine's house one day and she had a sign in her yard and she took a chance on me when nobody else would. She was eighty-five and Yeah, that's but when I moved into her house, that's when things took a turn for the worst. I like I remember being in my tent, like crying and then a speech going, Man, I'm I'm gonna have to go back to Texas. I can't do this. And I remember hearing a voice saying, Not yet. Not yet. Just just not yet. Don't give up yet. But I wanted to like I mean in tears going, I can't do this. Like this is too this is hard, man. This is Lyndsay Soprano (21:01) Right. Bryan Blackmon (21:02) it's really taken its toll on me. And as I'm getting older, I'm still doing this exact same thing I've been doing my whole life, just now in a different state. And but I didn't have anybody, no friends. Yeah, I was truly alone. But when I moved in with Elaine, now I have a roof over my head. And I'm I've always been the life of the party. I've always been that guy that can be around a million people, you know, and entertain. And but this is the first time in my life I secluded myself and became a recluse and started doing The the drinking got worse because I was lonely and and just tired and just guilt ridden and shameful and just all all of it. Lyndsay Soprano (21:44) Yeah. Bryan Blackmon (21:46) But no desire to stop. And then I started doing a bunch of DMT. If you know what DMT is, it's like this it's like mushrooms on on Lyndsay Soprano (21:54) Mushrooms on mushrooms. Mushrooms on steroids. Bryan Blackmon (21:56) Yeah. Escaping to a different dimension, you know, quite often and and just exploring a different reality. But I got really really dark and alone. And Elaine had no idea, you know, who she really had living in her house. So yeah, that's that's how I ended up here. What happened next is a completely different story. Lyndsay Soprano (22:19) Well, and that's what we're gonna get into next. We have to get into what I'm calling the Elaine factor, an unlikely friendship, right? Um, that she took a big gamble on you. And I wanna talk about what happened at with you and Elaine, and then we'll get into what you guys are doing now, 'cause pretty fucking cool. Yeah. Bryan Blackmon (22:39) Thank you. Yeah. So we started building this this friendship that was so different. Why did this eighty-five year old lady take a chance on Lyndsay Soprano (22:48) Totally. Yeah. Bryan Blackmon (22:49) her husband passed away in this very room that I'm in right now from a heart attack. One day she was out playing bridge, I think, and when she got home, she was yelling his name and he never answered. She came upstairs and found him hunched over his desk in his very room. I tried to get sober through some other things that had happened before this aha moment happened. And I think I got a week and then I got nine days and I just kept relapsing it. Lyndsay Soprano (23:14) Sure, sure. Bryan Blackmon (23:15) Tried to do it on my own, but it it wasn't working. One day I was brushing my teeth and I looked in the mirror, and for the first time in my life, the reflection that was looking back was that of disgust, lifeless. And I heard a voice. ring out throughout my chest and my mind and my body. Just it was so loud and so overwhelmingly present. and I heard the words you are worth it. That's all I heard. I didn't hear it, I just heard you are worth it. And it wasn't me talking to myself. I don't I couldn't believe that that wasn't my internal voice going, Hey, you're worth Yeah, Lyndsay Soprano (23:51) Hey buddy. Bryan Blackmon (23:53) this was something way beyond that. Lyndsay Soprano (23:55) Sure, higher than yourself. Bryan Blackmon (23:56) Right. And I grew up in in a a really strong faith-based Christian home in in Fort Worth, Texas. And I I never liked religion, but I always believed that there was something greater than myself. But I also understood that it was something inside of all of us. I never looked outside for God or Jesus or love or lightning. I always knew that if I was a part of a creator, that that creator was already inside of me. And I've my mom and my family and I have gotten into this discussion a million times. Lyndsay Soprano (24:24) Yeah, I have the same similar ones and they don't they don't ever end well. Yeah. Bryan Blackmon (24:28) They they don't. They don't. And so I knew that this was a power greater than myself. And I believed it. I didn't question what I'm worthy of. More what? Better what. It just I understood that what was being said was a better life. Plain and simple. Nice. But I believed it. I believed what I was being told. And I've never experienced anything like that. So at that moment I knew that I had a come to a fork in the road. I had a choice to make. And I realized that I could keep doing this and living this lifestyle. And I'm gonna wake up ten, twenty years from now in the exact same boat, regretting not doing something different, just as I knew that I was gonna feel the exact same way if I didn't try to move to California in two thousand twenty. I was terrified of being in my recliner in in Fort Worth, Dallas, Texas, and thinking to myself, I had a degree, I didn't have any kids, I wasn't married. I had this drive and this passion, this dream. Why didn't I fulfill it? Like I could not imagine doing that. I don't care if I go and fail. I have to go try it. Those Lyndsay Soprano (25:41) Sure, sure. Yeah. Bryan Blackmon (25:42) exact same feelings and emotions had hit me at this moment as well. And I got fearful of looking up and doing the exact same thing I've been doing for 45 years. So I made that decision. And um I told Elaine, because she knew that I worked in the music and video industry. And I told her that I was going on tour with a local band all up and down the the Southern California coast for 30 days when I was really checking myself into a rehab. Yeah, Lyndsay Soprano (26:13) You liar. Bryan Blackmon (26:14) I didn't have the guts to tell her, you know, she had no idea who she had living here. And um I was terrified, you know, I was terrified of of what may come. So that didn't work out. I was there for three days and I was seeing people bring in, you know, they were relapsing right in front of me, sinking in alcohol and and whatever else. And so I decided to check myself out. I came back home. Elaine was like, What are you doing? I came in with like three suitcases and she's like, What are doing back th already? And I was like, Well, it got canceled, so I'm back. Things didn't work out. I'm I'm back and she said, okay, whatever. Yeah. And I came back up to my room and um I decided that this was it. You know, I there's no going back. And so I started really going through the withdrawals in a scary way. For over a year and a half, we've had this constant day to day communication. We pass each other, we say hello, we stop to talk in the kitchen. We sure you know, I help her do things outside. We have this connection, this interaction. for the first fifteen or sixteen days I'd seen her just a handful of times and I knew that's only because I had to go downstairs and let her know that I'm still alive. She's right. Lyndsay Soprano (27:22) Proof of life. Bryan Blackmon (27:24) But I had to like let her know that, hey, here I am. And then I realized that it was time that I'd I manned up and I I took responsibility for what I was doing and and what I'd been doing in this house. So I went downstairs and I told her who she really had living here. And um her response to me was, Bryan, you've been here for a year and a half. You know, I love you. You're like my adopted grandson. Um I'm sorry you're going through this. Just know that I'm here if you need me. And go back upstairs and do whatever you need to do and um Lyndsay Soprano (27:57) Because she chose she chose to stand by you. Bryan Blackmon (28:00) She did. Absolutely. Absolutely. Second chance. You know, first getting me off the streets and now this. Well, she could have very easily said, I can't have this in my house. Lyndsay Soprano (28:08) Sure, sure. Bryan Blackmon (28:10) So I came in my room and I locked the doors and for thirty days I went through the worst withdrawals I've ever gone through. Uh, you know, screaming and crying and using the bathroom and sweating and I was clawing the carpet so hard that I bruised my fingertips and my tone my toes, like just literally praying to God like I can't do this anymore. I didn't want to to end a life. I just didn't want to continue. Uh whatever that means to you, I I just didn't want to continue. Lyndsay Soprano (28:38) Yeah. Bryan Blackmon (28:39) But I kept going. Lyndsay Soprano (28:41) And that's dangerous to do that without any form of like medical assistance to make sure Yeah. Bryan Blackmon (28:46) Definitely don't recommend it. Lyndsay Soprano (28:47) I mean we are not not doctors here on this show, but we are going to say please don't do it this way because it's scary if you drink that way and you take drugs in the in the form that you were and all of a sudden you're like cold turkey, like that's crazy. That I mean, you could have died just by doing that. So you're very, very lucky good sir. Bryan Blackmon (29:07) It was the pills, the alcohol, the meth, the DMT, the weed. Lyndsay Soprano (29:11) Yeah, all of it, all at one time. You're lucky your heart didn't fucking explode, bro. Bryan Blackmon (29:15) No. Lyndsay Soprano (29:16) Yeah. So let's get into the fact that, yay, you did not die while doing this. And you are almost three years sober, which I'm very happy to report here on Giving Pain Purpose. Yes. Yeah. And I'm so happy that we met because we're gonna meet up with each other because we live like two minutes from each other. Yeah. So, um, but you've got you you've you have this human connection with Elaine. You've been incredibly vulnerable with her. You you You trust her with everything. And you guys have kind of you've started this like your recovery. And there's a lot of work that nobody sees that goes on behind the scenes in recovery, right? Like the daily routines that you do, the accountability, um, the, you know, breaking all of your destructive patterns and building self-respect for for well, self-respect is for yourself, right? So it's like it it versus like getting sober versus staying sober. Can you talk just a little bit about that? And then I want to get into. what you're doing with TikTok and the crab crew life and all that because we gotta move into that part of it. Bryan Blackmon (30:16) I I just when I realized that I wanted it more than anything I've ever wanted in this world, literally, I wanted to get sober more than I even cared about moving to California. And that was like my biggest dream ever. Lyndsay Soprano (30:28) Wow, great. Bryan Blackmon (30:30) It I don't want to use the word easy. I'm using easy in a sense that the decision to continue was easy. Not the process, the decision to do whatever it took. became easy. And that I truly believe became uh one of the foundations or or a little bit part of that foundation of me wanting to keep going. So I started going to meetings every morning. Uh a lot of times I would go three times a day because I I had nothing else to do and um I didn't want to sit here by myself anymore. The drive to stay sober, I started getting fascinated with my way of thinking. I started becoming overwhelmingly just Excited about what the possibilities were. I already knew what life was like living that way. I got so curious about what could be that I literally started rehearsing a new life every day while struggling. Lyndsay Soprano (31:35) I like that. Bryan Blackmon (31:36) I wanted to change my thought pattern. I became obsessed with like reading and changing my thoughts, like a purpose-driven life, books like that. I I started really digging into, well, maybe there is a purpose for all of this. Lyndsay Soprano (31:53) Well, it's like a different form of addiction. I mean, addiction takes work. It's very it's a full time job to be an addict, right? So if you take that same mentality and you put it towards something else, then I mean, that makes sense that you would be addicted to that. That's a much better thing to be addicted to. Absolutely. Yeah. Bryan Blackmon (32:12) Absolutely. Realizing that the more I started changing my beliefs, the greater I felt. And it made today a little bit easier. I started literally changing every thought that came through my brain and it was a lot of work and it's still a lot of work. And this is not something I stopped doing. Lyndsay Soprano (32:35) Right, right, right. You're doing it right now, baby. Bryan Blackmon (32:37) I'm still doing this on a daily basis. Lyndsay Soprano (32:39) Yeah. Bryan Blackmon (32:42) I started thinking that I've been doing this since I was fifteen years old. All the the lies and and and beliefs that I've been putting in my brain and in my mind and my body and spirit, you think they're gonna change in a few months? Lyndsay Soprano (32:56) Yeah, yeah. Bryan Blackmon (32:58) No, it's so easy to go back to, man, why did I? Man, I wished I wouldn't have. Man, this sucks. Man, why did I do this? Lyndsay Soprano (33:06) The coulda wulda shulda's, all of that. Yep. Bryan Blackmon (33:09) I started becoming obsessed and delusional with changing that thought. Lyndsay Soprano (33:16) I love that. Yeah. Bryan Blackmon (33:19) When I look at myself in the mirror now, like I'm really proud of myself. I I I couldn't be this proud of myself had it happened at any other point in my life because it wasn't supposed to happen then. I had to go through all that. I made all those choices to get to where I am today. And where I am today, minus everything that has happened, I'm more grateful that I get to have another day. I have a roof over my head, shoes on my feet, clothes on my back, food in my stomach. I can look at myself, I brush my teeth and go, Ha ha looking good, my friend. What's happening today? What are you doing today? Lyndsay Soprano (33:48) Yeah. Well, you shifted from survival to gratitude. And that's that gratefulness is something that um it you you is a learned skill, I think. I don't think that you're innately born with, I'm just grateful today. Like I am so much more grateful and empathetic than I ever was because of this crazy ass pain disease that I got. And so it's it it really is a shift and it is an it is an ongoing decision that I make every single moment. To show up and make sure that I am more grateful, even though so much has been taken from me. I have gained so much more. Bryan Blackmon (34:26) So I started at this point, um about six months sober, and I start finding it fascinating about Elaine and I and and how things are changing in the way I feel. And I started making TikTok videos about our life. And it started gaining a little bit of traction, you know, no nothing big. I think I had forty, two hundred followers. And one day it was, I don't know, I was roughly six months sober at the time, and Elaine and I were just on the front porch having you know, coffee or tea or something and two guys walked by that were just in their bathing suits. They were young, good looking guys and had sand all over and she had just yelled out, Hey, do you guys want to use the water hose to spray the sand off of you before you get in your car? And they kind of looked at her like, um, you know what? Okay. Lyndsay Soprano (35:13) Okay, yeah. Bryan Blackmon (35:14) So next thing I know, she's hosing them off. I pulled out my camera and started sp videoing and laughing at her because she was focused on their private parts more than she was anything else. Lyndsay Soprano (35:24) Girl. Bryan Blackmon (35:25) Yeah, yeah, yeah. And um, next thing you know, overnight that video just went nuts. Lyndsay Soprano (35:32) Crazy. Bryan Blackmon (35:34) I think it's close to seven million views now. And the next one went to like fourteen million and and I just I didn't know what to do. Like it was it was overwhelming to be honest with you. the comments were so amazing. Like, who is this lady? What is your relationship? Is this your wife? Is this your girlfriend? I'm like Lyndsay Soprano (35:52) Weird age gap, and I'm in an age gap relationship. Hers is a big one compared to mine. Bryan Blackmon (35:58) Love her, not in love with her. Lyndsay Soprano (36:00) Right. Yeah. Bryan Blackmon (36:01) And so people just started, it was just this this pouring of of curiosity that was going on. And one day I didn't know what to do. I just was feeding squirrels on PCH and 17th Street, and I just got out of a meeting and I was like, you know what? I set my phone up on a bench and I was just kind of like, hey, I'm Bryan and I'm feeding squirrels sober. Lyndsay Soprano (36:26) Right. Bryan Blackmon (36:26) Here's the ocean. Here's the sun. What do you want to know? And and it just I just kept showing up. I just kept doing it. Yeah. Yeah. And it started off with like seven people, you know, watching. And every day that I showed up it was a few more people. And then the same people were coming back. And then the same people are coming back. And then more of the same people were coming back. So I I kept doing it and it just kept growing. And then next thing I know, um, I get a pretty big following out in Huntington Beach and people are always watching me, you know, do my live streams out by the pier and This one lady named Kari sent me a crab gift on TikTok and this crab came and danced on my head and it started doing its little peachy things and dancing Lyndsay Soprano (37:06) Like the fish on the wall when you walk by it and the bathroom. Bryan Blackmon (37:09) That kind of situation and I was like, really? You just gave me crabs right here in front of everybody. It just became this funny thing. Lyndsay Soprano (37:15) I love that for you. So itchy. Bryan Blackmon (37:18) Right. And I mean, I know what you're talking about. It's not like I have the Lyndsay Soprano (37:22) I hear it's contagious. Bryan Blackmon (37:24) why people still think that I do. Um so it just became this fun thing, right? People all over just was that inappropriate? Lyndsay Soprano (37:33) Nothing is inappropriate on this show. Bryan Blackmon (37:35) So I started just yelling out people's names. Thanks for giving me crabs. And next thing I know, I'm getting crab gifts into my PO box from all over the world. Lyndsay Soprano (37:44) That's great. Bryan Blackmon (37:45) I started getting crab socks, crab boxes, crab bubblers, crab keychains, crab custom t-shirts, crab blankets, crab towels, Lyndsay Soprano (37:52) Krabby. Bryan Blackmon (37:53) everything. And I knew that something was happening. I just didn't know what. So I just started doing some. Listening to what my body was telling me and my spirit was telling me, and it was like do some research on crabs. And so I became obsessed with that. And I found out that, you know, when they've been here for like over 400 million years and they have gone and survived through all of it. When they break free of their shell, they're super vulnerable, right? And they grow into their bigger shell. They can claw themselves from a dark hole that they're in. They can maneuver in all these different directions. And oftentimes they'll just stop and think about what next move they need to make. But they don't ever let that object become the way. Right? They don't just give up. They figure it out. Lyndsay Soprano (38:46) Yeah. I mean, I grew up here down at the beach and I when you I just have immediately it's such a good visual because you can see like you just go into tide pools and even just like climbing on the rocks as a kid. And you this is the perfect little creature for you talking about the vulnerability that where you were, because you had to take off this shell of this man that you were and go, Here I am. I am just flesh and bone and I'm don't know what the hell is happening right now. What a great, what a great gift that. Bryan Blackmon (39:16) Exactly. And it's not that they're the strongest Lyndsay Soprano (39:20) Mm-hmm. Bryan Blackmon (39:21) or the fastest or the most feared. Lyndsay Soprano (39:25) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah. So this you've created through this, like the crab crew life, right? Comes out of this. And it's where, like, you know, my show's called Giving Pain Purpose. It's kind of like turning your pain into purpose, which is why I love that what we're aligned in so many different ways here. But like when you're talking about your crab crew life, um, can you get into that now? About because I know there's four different pillars of it. And there's like a bucket versus the crew. And can you get into a a little bit about that? And then obviously we want to talk about how a little bit more about how we can find you on TikTok. And how many listeners do you have, by the way, or followers do you have on TikTok right now? oh Bryan Blackmon (40:01) No, I think a hundred and seventy five thousand, roughly. Lyndsay Soprano (40:05) Okay, all right, great. We wanna get him to a million, so we're gonna do that together. I'm Bryan Blackmon (40:10) Let's do it. Lyndsay Soprano (40:11) gonna come and join you on the pier and be on one of your live streams with you. We already talked about it, so it'll be fun. I just I have to wake up at two o'clock in the morning in order for my body to make it up there. Bryan Blackmon (40:20) You know what? Whenever you get here I'll do it. We'll make it easy for you. Not a problem. Lyndsay Soprano (40:23) uh We'll figure it out. Right. Bryan Blackmon (40:26) Right. So the four pillars of crab came to be. What did I have to do first? Well, I had to get clean. Mm-hmm. But it wasn't just clean from drugs and alcohol. I had to really start taking a deep dive into my mind and in my heart and my spirit. And I had to get clean of the weeds and the lies that I've been telling myself about who I was for so many years. It became more than just the drugs and alcohol became part of underneath the umbrella of just clean. And clear. Lyndsay Soprano (40:56) If you will. Sure, sure. Bryan Blackmon (40:58) And then when I found out that crabs are resilient, I started thinking, man, I've been training for resilience my whole life. Yeah. Lyndsay Soprano (41:05) Olympian. Bryan Blackmon (41:07) It it it's not just, it's clean in the way I that I started thinking and the way that I speak to myself and the way that I show up. And the resilience, you know, being training for without even really realizing my entire life that um when I collapsed, I still found myself getting back up. And learning to to carry more to be grateful for in a in in a way that I was starting to to kind of understand from a different perspective about resilience and learning how to stand on my own two feet again. And then the adaptive part of it, it crabs are also adaptive. And that same shell that fit me last year doesn't fit me anymore. Cause I'm growing through this new person that that I've never known being um being sober. So I left myself vulnerable and um to just learn and and grow and figure out what life was um happening as I sh kept showing up through the resilience. Uh but I started thinking about well when I heard that voice and and I heard that I was worth it, I immediately believed it. I believed that I was worthy of so much more. And that became the foundation that all of it was stacked on top of. Right? So it became crab crew, it became clear. resilient, adaptive, and belief. I just kept working at it and and trying to figure out how I wanted to get this thing out there in a way that I could present it. And finally got a website and and it's crabcrewlife.com. And, you know, I've been able to, you know, share with people the disciplines. I get asked all the time, like, how do you stay so joyful and laughing all the time and just so just that you're the best mood like all the time. How do you stay like that? It's not that I stay like this all the time. It doesn't mean that I'm like this every second of every day. Lyndsay Soprano (42:57) Right, right. Bryan Blackmon (42:58) I started really putting down on paper the things that I started doing throughout my day. Like I really started getting curious about, well, what is it that I'm doing? Why am I feeling so different than I've ever felt in my life? And I started realizing that there are disciplines that I started putting into place without me even realizing that I was doing it until I realized that I started doing it by writing it down. One of those things is I wake up every morning and I say th that same prayer. I'm so grateful for having another chance at life today. Thank you for the breath that I have today. Thank you for the shoes on my feet, the clothes on my back, the roof over my head. And once I started doing that, I started feeling really good. And then I would take my dog out and I would make coffee and then I sit in my in my room with the lights out with my dog and with my thoughts. And I just let the the thoughts race and just go. I don't have to attach myself to them. I don't have to believe any of them. I just refuse to let the outside world control how the rest of my day is going to be. Lyndsay Soprano (44:00) I like that a lot 'cause I have like massive anxiety. So I totally understand the like braid of thoughts that go into my head. And it's like it's so hard sometimes that I like I can't even they're like climbing on top of each other and I have to like, my God, like shut up for just a hot second. Bryan Blackmon (44:16) Right. Well now take that and and take your phone and take text messages, emails, social media, add Lyndsay Soprano (44:21) Right. All of it. Bryan Blackmon (44:23) that on top of it before you can even say you're grateful for having another day. Lyndsay Soprano (44:27) That's exactly right. Well, I ch I put into place that I don't I don't look at my phone until I've been up for a half an hour. Yeah. And and so my alarm goes off and I'll hit it. Normally I don't ever hear my alarm because I'm up way before it goes off just because of my bod. But um, I just had to like make a decision that I wasn't gonna look at it. And so I wake up, I do this whole five, four, three, two, one thing because I have to make a decision with my brain about what is ahead of me for my day. What are the things that I have to make sure are my priorities that have to get done today. Don't get overwhelmed because my body can sometimes just can't, sometimes just can't make it through the whole day. It's like, well, that was all you could do. So make sure you get done the top five things that you need to. So that's my five, four, three, two, one. And those are the fives that that I do. And then I have to put my feet on the ground, which is my least favorite moment of every single day. And I have to and I make my bed. And so I make my bed before I even brush my teeth. I don't look at my phone. And then I get down and I do. And then I check in with one person in the morning before I do. Her name is Rachel. I love you, baby. And we um and then then I will get started with all the madness that is the day that is unfolding before me. But I I like it because we've had to create these these routines that work well for us to start our day in a grateful way. And it's hard to do that, especially when you live in chronic pain, especially when you live in any kind of pain. Pain is depression, pain is anxiety, pain is loss, pain is so many different things. So it's not just because I hurt. It's because I've lived this crazy ass life that has some of it has contributed to the pain that I'm in and I take full responsibility for that. But the accountability part and building the community that I'm building with you right now that you've done with your TikTok followers that I'm doing with Giving Pain Purpose in that community, that is what I wake up for. It is not to make more money. It is well, I also wake up for my dog Tommy because he's my baby. Um, and you know, like I woke up this morning and the first person I thought about, sorry, Rachel, was you. Because you were my priority today. Oh. Tissues out. It was always gonna happen, guys. You know I always cry on an episode. It was almost earlier it was coming. It was almost coming earlier. Now it's coming. She Bryan Blackmon (46:38) Can't tell you how many tears that I've shed on a live stream, but you know what? They're not ever, ever sad tears. Lyndsay Soprano (46:46) No way. I love let it out, baby. Bryan Blackmon (46:49) Years that it that's one thing that I've really learned about um about my my drug and alcohol addiction from a young age. I wanted to control those emotions and suppress Lyndsay Soprano (47:00) Of course. That's why we hide behind a all of it. That's why we're like, I'll drink those away, I'll smoke those away, I'll get those out of here, 'cause this will fix the problem. Bryan Blackmon (47:08) Yep. And today I I embrace them right because they're not they're not tears of, Man, I can't do this anymore. I can't take this anymore. I can't live like this anymore. It it's like, Oh my gosh, this is the greatest feeling like ever. How do I even I don't even know what to do? And tears will just start falling down my face, man, and I don't I love it. I don't make any apologies for it. Lyndsay Soprano (47:28) No, absolutely. I do not apologize. I I cry all the time. My husband's always like, You're such a crier. I'm like, hey, you know what? Bryan Blackmon (47:39) That's a great response, by the way. It's fairly mature of you. Lyndsay Soprano (47:44) But he would be the first person to say I do it to him very often. oh But I'm like, hey, would you rather have me be like a stump in the ground that feels nothing, that gives nothing, that it's just is this this shell of a person? I'm like, no, I've been through too much to be a shell. I'm vulnerable all the time. And if I'm asking my guests to come on and be vulnerable and true and raw, then like what the hell am I doing? I'm just gonna be somebody that's gonna be like, so let me just read this question that you sent me to ask you. Jesus Christ, give me a break. Don't be a podcaster. Go work for Fox News or something. So, anyways, um, see, we don't talk about politics. We just drop those little ones in right here and there. Um, so okay, so AM coming up to Huntington Beach Pier because it's not that far away from me and we're gonna hang out and we're gonna feed squirrels and we're gonna fucking have a great time. Um, the other thing before we go, because I know we're getting close on time here, is I wanna talk about what do you and I I it's not a question that I've like prepped you for because that's just not what I do here. So what is next for you, do you think, with you and the crab crew? Because I know you're you're you've turned into kind of a little bit of a visionary here. Um, and so what do you think is next? Bryan Blackmon (48:51) The only way that I know to answer that is to just keep doing what I'm doing and where that guides me and where that takes me, I don't know. I just know that I'm down for the journey. As long as as it's true and real and authentic from what I love to do, which is entertain and share people the gratitude of life and and just being joyful and how you can change your thoughts by one percent and how that compound interest can work in your favor and help. pull that next crab out of that bucket, wherever that takes me, you know, I'm I'm just down to go. Lyndsay Soprano (49:27) Well, and I'm going to go back to what we talked about before we started our conversation here today, before we got on air about um manifestation, because we all need to start manifesting stuff that we want, guys, because I've manifested a lot of things that have come true for me. And it is not for a lack of me literally doing the thing, but I know what's next for you. You're gonna be standing on that stage in that theater with a full house standing up and talking to them. So I'm helping you manifest right now, baby. Bryan Blackmon (49:56) There we go. There we go. I'm big into manifestation and I truly believe that we can have everything that we've ever wanted and we lack in absolutely nothing. We are abundant in more ways than I think that we stop and and and forget sometimes that we are being blessed on a daily basis. And the universe isn't here to to gang up on you. And it's not here to just to beat you up. It's all in how you look at what you're given and know that it's um it's forging you in a fire that you have. yet to even understand what you're gonna come out being on the on the other side of it. Lyndsay Soprano (50:28) I love that. And there's a quote of yours. It says, The crab doesn't swim, it doesn't fly. It claws its way forward from the bottom of the ocean floor. And so have I. Welcome to Crab Crew Life from the depths we rise. And I just love that. And so I'd like to end there, if at all possible with you, my love. This has been absolutely exactly what I thought it was gonna be. Bryan Blackmon (50:49) Yeah, this has been great. I I really enjoyed it. Thank you. Lyndsay Soprano (50:52) Yeah, this has been wonderful. I've enjoyed everywhere. So you can find my new best friend um at Crabcrew Life dot com. He's on TikTok and Facebook and all the things on YouTube. I will be putting that in social media, of course, in our show notes. It'll be an email marketing, it'll be in all over the place. But do head over to CrabCrew Life dot com. I will be sure to be posting stuff onto my social media, especially when we're I'm gonna be with him in Huntington Beach because that's gonna be so much fun. I can't wait. Thanks again, buddy. I'll be talking to you soon. Thanks for being here. Thank you so much. You are exclusively invited to share this Crab Crew VIP pain journey together. Let's get to the heart of how to heal with you by my and Brian's side. Please follow Giving Pain Purpose wherever you digest your podcast content. We will be there. Visit us at giving painpurpose.com and follow us on all the socials. Thanks for listening, my little VIPs. Crab you on the other side.