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Communication: Clarity and Self-Awareness are Key · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

• 0:00
  Mary: Hi, and welcome to a Monday mini episode of No Shrinking Violets.
• 0:04
  Mary: First, I will start off with a place that I love in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
• 0:12
  Mary: So we have Central Market here.
• 0:14
  Mary: It's the oldest market in the United States, I think.
• 0:17
  Mary: It's pretty amazing.
• 0:19
  Mary: And one of the stands there is the tea bar.
• 0:23
  Mary: And they have a lot of dried teas and pretty much tea anything, but they make a lovely um iced matcha with lavender.
• 0:36
  Mary: It's delicious.
• 0:37
  Mary: So that's one of my treats.
• 0:38
  Mary: I try to only do it once a week.
• 0:40
  Mary: I don't always stick to that, but it is delicious.
• 0:43
  Mary: So I wanted to give a little shout out to the tea bar at Lancashire Central Market.
• 0:47
  Mary: So what I wanted to talk about today is communication.
• 0:50
  Mary: And it is often on my mind because I feel like 90% of the problems in the world would be solved if we would have measured and thoughtful conversations or communication about it.
• 1:08
  Mary: And we have so many ways to communicate now.
• 1:11
  Mary: We have texting, we have email, we have videos, we have audio podcasts, um, and print media and online media.
• 1:22
  Mary: And speaking of print media, I have something to say about that too.
• 1:26
  Mary: But we have so many ways to communicate now.
• 1:30
  Mary: And I think sometimes we hide behind things like social media comments when we say whatever we want to say with a lot of judgment.
• 1:43
  Mary: I think there's a lot of times that we think we know what is best for somebody else, or if someone reacts to something that someone else posted online, that comment, other than being if it's not supportive or trying to kind of show empathy or understanding, a cruel comment, first of all, is unnecessary.
• 2:08
  Mary: Second of all, is more about the person that posts it than the person that it's directed to.
• 2:16
  Mary: But I'm getting a little off on a tangent here.
• 2:18
  Mary: The reason that I was thinking about communication is I fully believe this.
• 2:22
  Mary: I think that we as women often soften our message so that we don't upset someone.
• 2:40
  Mary: And so we allow the other person to interpret.
• 2:44
  Mary: Or we often think, well, they should know.
• 2:47
  Mary: They've known me forever.
• 2:48
  Mary: And sometimes we do this with our partner.
• 2:50
  Mary: And I can tell you, the most understanding partner cannot read your mind.
• 2:55
  Mary: And this is not a new concept, but I think that we tend to think if I have to clearly state what I want, it's not special anymore.
• 3:04
  Mary: So I want to address that a little bit.
• 3:07
  Mary: I think when it comes to situations in, well, any relationship, but a lot of times when there's a power differential, I would say that's a conversation for another day.
• 3:18
  Mary: But when we're in a situation with an intimate partner or a friend, first of all, if there's a power differential there, then that is a deeper problem.
• 3:28
  Mary: But it is okay to advocate for what you want, to clearly and calmly state what you want.
• 3:37
  Mary: So if you find yourself being irritated or pulling back or using that cold, stony silence, that's not helping.
• 3:48
  Mary: And instead, first of all, reflect what is happening.
• 3:55
  Mary: Be curious about your feelings.
• 3:56
  Mary: Why does whatever is happening create so much anger?
• 4:00
  Mary: And there might be a lot of layers to it.
• 4:03
  Mary: But I think being able to state what is happening in the moment.
• 4:10
  Mary: And so a place to start might be I realize I'm reacting with silence.
• 4:16
  Mary: It's because I need to process some things.
• 4:18
  Mary: You're allowed to do that.
• 4:20
  Mary: But naming it and giving it air is much healthier than simply crossing your arms, going to another room and slamming the door.
• 4:31
  Mary: Always letting somebody that we truly care about know that we're coming back.
• 4:36
  Mary: I need time to process this.
• 4:38
  Mary: And once you have figured out a little bit what is this thing that sets you off?
• 4:44
  Mary: Why does it set you off?
• 4:46
  Mary: Is it a situation where you feel like you have communicated and it's falling on deaf ears?
• 4:52
  Mary: If that's the case, then think about how have you communicated?
• 4:57
  Mary: And it's okay to go to that person and say, I feel like we have talked about this a lot.
• 5:04
  Mary: I feel like I have clearly communicated.
• 5:07
  Mary: What is your perspective or your impression right now?
• 5:10
  Mary: What do you think has upset me?
• 5:12
  Mary: What do you think is going on that is creating this tension or frustration?
• 5:19
  Mary: And truly be open to listening to that.
• 5:23
  Mary: But also being able to say how we feel and not backtrack, but doing it in a way that you're allowed to feel anger.
• 5:34
  Mary: I'm not saying don't be angry, but screaming is not going to get the point across because then the other person will typically either react by shutting down or screaming or whatever.
• 5:46
  Mary: So scream to a friend, scream in the car, write it all out, but being able to approach the situation with some measure of calm communication, you can still have anger in your voice, you can still feel the sadness or the anger or the hurt or whatever it is, but being able to name it and then clearly stating what you need.
• 6:09
  Mary: And so instead of saying you did this, you made me feel this way, it's a little more productive to say it hurts when these types of things are said because and then own it, because it echoes something that you know I was told as a kid.
• 6:30
  Mary: That is your work to do.
• 6:32
  Mary: If you need to heal some wounds or process some stuff so that you can fully show up and tolerate conflict, because we do need to tolerate conflict in a relationship.
• 6:44
  Mary: If people say, Oh, we never fight, I'm never going to say that that is not true for anyone.
• 6:50
  Mary: But I'm a little suspicious because I feel like someone is squelching emotion, if that is truly happening.
• 6:59
  Mary: And especially if you're in a new relationship, the more that you go along with something initially, the more you're giving the message that behavior is okay.
• 7:12
  Mary: So if you lose someone early on because you have clearly stated a boundary or a preference, then that person is not for you because that means you will spend your whole life or however long that relationship is still ascribing to that person that you made them believe you are, or the thing that you allowed them to believe is okay.
• 7:37
  Mary: So the other thing with communication is I think we can often rush to react to something.
• 7:45
  Mary: And when we're in a situation where the communication is flawed, that is when we typically can feel a lot of frustration, a lot of confusion.
• 7:57
  Mary: And I think being able to state what is helpful and also check in to confirm here's what I'm hearing here, or here's what it sounds like you're saying, is this accurate?
• 8:10
  Mary: So there's two situations that are happening right now that had communication kind of come up for me, really be on my mind.
• 8:19
  Mary: And the one is that I'm working with someone now in a professional capacity.
• 8:25
  Mary: They're doing something for me.
• 8:27
  Mary: Um, they're taking care of an issue for my husband and I.
• 8:30
  Mary: Um, and the communication tends to be flawed.
• 8:34
  Mary: There are other people involved in order to get to the finish line of this project.
• 8:39
  Mary: And sometimes there are emails with multiple people on.
• 8:44
  Mary: And it starts to get very confusing.
• 8:48
  Mary: And at one point, we were questioned, did we get this email?
• 8:53
  Mary: And it was a it was a task we needed to complete.
• 8:56
  Mary: Well, somebody else on the email thread had handled it.
• 9:00
  Mary: We completed it.
• 9:01
  Mary: I even confirmed in the text string, and that's another thing.
• 9:05
  Mary: There's texting with certain people, then there's emails, and certain things are saying they're going to happen, but we don't have a timeline.
• 9:13
  Mary: So it became really frustrating, really confusing.
• 9:17
  Mary: There's money involved, so there's a higher stress level.
• 9:21
  Mary: And finally, the per one of the people that is completing some of the professional tasks for us said, you know, is there a better way we should be communicating?
• 9:33
  Mary: Great question.
• 9:35
  Mary: And I don't know that it's going to change because I think sometimes when I say, you know, rushing to respond, I know people now use a lot of voice to text.
• 9:47
  Mary: And that's great.
• 9:48
  Mary: Occasionally, I only do it with friends, to be totally honest, because they know if there's a weird word in there, either I'm typing and my thumbs are compromised, because that is totally true, or I'll just say I'm using voice to text.
• 10:02
  Mary: But when you do it in a professional situation, which is happening in this situation a little bit, there's no punctuation, there's no capitalization.
• 10:12
  Mary: And I think we have gotten into kind of a situation where we think that's okay.
• 10:19
  Mary: And that would happen when I worked at college, when I would get texts from students, you know, checking in about something, um, or they would send me an email.
• 10:28
  Mary: That's was more common because rarely did they text us because that was not something that we wanted to happen.
• 10:33
  Mary: We needed to keep it, you know, sort of an official communication.
• 10:36
  Mary: So when they would they would email, it would often be no capitalization, no punctuation.
• 10:43
  Mary: And again, it's fine if you're doing that with your friends.
• 10:46
  Mary: I am an emoji user, and I think that because I think I'm expressive, that helps me.
• 10:52
  Mary: It helps also people understand what your tone is because it's hard to understand a tone in written language.
• 11:00
  Mary: But taking the time to capitalize and reread what you're sending, even if it takes a bit longer to respond, it's okay, especially if you're in a professional capacity, you're in the car, you really feel this urgency.
• 11:13
  Mary: It's okay to say, hey, I'm driving, I will respond when I'm back in my office or when I'm parked or whatever.
• 11:21
  Mary: Because rushing to respond just creates more confusion, more frustration, because it's this block of words that has no nuance to it.
• 11:32
  Mary: It has no expression or punctuation.
• 11:35
  Mary: So that's the first issue.
• 11:37
  Mary: Being very aware and very clear professionally when you are responding, whether it's through text or through email.
• 11:45
  Mary: And the other issue, and this is ironic because this happened this morning.
• 11:50
  Mary: So I love print newspaper.
• 11:53
  Mary: And ever since I was a kid, we got the newspaper when I was a kid.
• 11:57
  Mary: I loved reading the comics.
• 11:59
  Mary: And as I got older, I always got the paper.
• 12:02
  Mary: It was part of Sunday morning.
• 12:04
  Mary: And so I lived in a place most recently where I could not get a newspaper.
• 12:11
  Mary: So fine, I don't love to read it online.
• 12:14
  Mary: I will, if, you know, if I if I need to get some updates, I will read it online.
• 12:20
  Mary: But when I moved to the city, I'm like, oh, I can get a newspaper.
• 12:24
  Mary: So first couple weeks, it wasn't too bad.
• 12:27
  Mary: Um, I get up early.
• 12:28
  Mary: Sometimes I get up at 5:30 because I love just to get a start on the day and not feel pressure to be, quote, productive.
• 12:36
  Mary: Because I like to sit with my coffee and read a book or read the newspaper, whatever.
• 12:40
  Mary: So the first couple of weeks, it would come very late.
• 12:43
  Mary: And I'm talking late is like 9:30.
• 12:46
  Mary: Well, at that point, I'm getting on with my day.
• 12:48
  Mary: So that means, okay, I'll read the newspaper over the week.
• 12:51
  Mary: Kind of a bummer, but what if?
• 12:53
  Mary: Well, recently I found out that the person that had the route where we are retired and they did not replace that person.
• 13:01
  Mary: So there are substitutes that are delivering the paper, which that sentence that I just said is false.
• 13:06
  Mary: Nobody is delivering the paper.
• 13:08
  Mary: I have called probably six weeks in a row, at least.
• 13:12
  Mary: And they would say, Do you want a credit or do you want us to re-deliver?
• 13:16
  Mary: Well, I it depends.
• 13:17
  Mary: Like the one time I said re-deliver, it didn't get re-delivered.
• 13:21
  Mary: The next time, I got a credit.
• 13:24
  Mary: Next time, re-deliver.
• 13:25
  Mary: It's never gotten delivered the next day.
• 13:29
  Mary: And every time I'm told it's passed on to the supervisor.
• 13:32
  Mary: And I think either it is, and that supervisor doesn't care, or he's not communicating.
• 13:40
  Mary: And so, again, in a in a professional capacity or a personal capacity, just respond.
• 13:48
  Mary: And it's okay to respond again and say, hey, I haven't had time to get to this.
• 13:53
  Mary: But think about the difference.
• 13:55
  Mary: If I simply got a one-line email from this district manager that said, I got your concern, we're working on it.
• 14:04
  Mary: But instead, I'm paying for something that I have to call every week and get a credit for because somewhere communication is breaking down.
• 14:15
  Mary: And it is really the essence of, I would say, when a business, a relationship, anything struggles, there is going to be a nugget in there of gaps in communication, miscommunication, irate communication that has made the situation worse.
• 14:35
  Mary: So this is all to say think about in your relationships, whether it's professionally or personally, what is frustrating you?
• 14:46
  Mary: Be curious about it.
• 14:47
  Mary: What do you feel your role is in the solution?
• 14:51
  Mary: And then have that curiosity.
• 14:53
  Mary: What is happening on the other end?
• 14:55
  Mary: What's getting in the way of clear communication or the um situation being resolved or moving forward?
• 15:05
  Mary: And if you have trouble communicating when you feel emotion, which is very, very common, it's easy for me to sit with my clients and process, you know, here, let's work on communication.
• 15:18
  Mary: I'm not feeling that depth of emotion.
• 15:21
  Mary: So I think when you are, that's where the pause happens.
• 15:24
  Mary: That's where it's okay, especially if two people are coming from places of a lot of trauma and they may interpret a slamming door as being a huge deal when the other person just like the wind blew the door shut.
• 15:37
  Mary: You know, I think so.
• 15:38
  Mary: Being aware of your own issues, being curious about, I'm gonna use that word, I hate, being aware of what triggers you and understanding that and then being able to communicate that to the other person.
• 15:51
  Mary: I sometimes react this way because fill in the blank.
• 15:55
  Mary: Your partner, especially, is your partner for a reason.
• 15:59
  Mary: You are supporting each other, but you're also, you also have an obligation, or well, I'm gonna say you also have a responsibility in that relationship to show up honestly.
• 16:12
  Mary: You don't have a responsibility for how the other person feels, as long as you are doing your best to not intentionally create hurt or harm.
• 16:23
  Mary: So this one's a little longer than usual, but these are things that really came up a lot this week.
• 16:29
  Mary: This idea of communication and my frustration, because it seems to me to be easy.
• 16:33
  Mary: Just be clear, especially if you're a professional.
• 16:37
  Mary: Um, so anyway, just real quick update.
• 16:40
  Mary: I had some great author events this week.
• 16:43
  Mary: I was at Bound Books in York and we had such a great conversation about plants and people.
• 16:49
  Mary: And it's my jam.
• 16:50
  Mary: Like being there in person with people is like the best thing.
• 16:54
  Mary: And I was at Nook's Gallery and Bookshop in Lancaster, Pennsylvania yesterday for a book signing.
• 17:02
  Mary: Didn't do any talking, but met some really amazing people.
• 17:05
  Mary: So it's been awesome.
• 17:07
  Mary: If you are interested in learning more about my book, there is a link in the show notes.
• 17:11
  Mary: You can get it through Amazon.
• 17:13
  Mary: Um, or if you have a local bookshop anywhere in the United States, go in and ask about it because I'm trying to be more in person.
• 17:23
  Mary: I would love to have my book, and sometimes they can only buy two or three copies.
• 17:27
  Mary: That is fine.
• 17:29
  Mary: Um, but I just want my book to get out there to people because I think it's important.
• 17:35
  Mary: I think connecting to nature and ourselves is the path to fulfillment.
• 17:40
  Mary: So, anyway, thank you for listening.
• 17:42
  Mary: And until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.