Latest / The Person behind the Position / What If I Don't Know?

Transcript

What If I Don't Know? · The Person behind the Position

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Three words used to scare me. I don't know. Not
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: necessarily because I didn't know the answer, but because I
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: didn't know what would happen after I admitted it. Would
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: someone help me? Would they get angry? Would they think
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: less of me? Or worse, would I think less of myself?
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: For years, I thought saying, I don't know, said something
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: about who I was. It took me a long time
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  Speaker 1: to realize that it didn't. Welcome to The Person Behind
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: the Position. And I'm Michael Chisholm. And today I want
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: to talk about something that has taken me a long
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: time to become comfortable saying. I don't know. The words
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: I don't know have been a double-edged sword for me.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: Those words have been both a blessing and a curse.
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: There were times when I said I don't know and
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  Speaker 1: received help. There were times when I said I don't
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: know and got hurt. There were times when I said,
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: I don't know, and got scolded. And there were times
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  Speaker 1: when I said, I don't know, because I really just
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: didn't know. But after a while, those three words became
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  Speaker 1: filled with so much more than not having an answer.
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  Speaker 1: They became connected to what might happen after I said them.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: because I didn't know what the response was going to be.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: And when you've had different responses to admitting that you
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: don't know, eventually you start trying to figure out the
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  Speaker 1: safest ways to handle not knowing. At least I did.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: Sometimes when I didn't know, I kept quiet. Sometimes I
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: secretly asked someone outside of the situation, Sometimes I got
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: mad because I didn't know. Sometimes I was afraid I
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: would get in trouble for not knowing. And depending on
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: the circumstances, my response to not knowing changed. Think about that.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: The issue wasn't always that I didn't know something. Sometimes
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: the bigger issue was that I didn't feel safe admitting
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: that I didn't know. And I wonder how many other
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: people have experienced that. We live in a world that
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: places a lot of value on knowing. Think about it.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: From the time we're children, somebody is asking us questions
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  Speaker 1: and expecting us to know the answer. You go to school.
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  Speaker 1: The teacher asks a question. You either know it or
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  Speaker 1: you don't. You take a test. You either know the
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: answer or you don't. Then we get older and move
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  Speaker 1: into our careers. And the expectations become greater. Because now,
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  Speaker 1: depending on the position you hold, people expect you to know.
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  Speaker 1: You're the manager. You should know. You're in HR. You
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: should know. You're the professor. You should know. You're the pastor.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: You should know. You're the parent. You should know. You're
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: the person with the experience. You're the person with the degree.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: You're the person with the title. You're the one people
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  Speaker 1: come to for answers. So you should know. But what
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  Speaker 1: happens when you don't? That's where this became personal for
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: me because I used to be scared of the words
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I used to feel like I let
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  Speaker 1: people down if I didn't know. Sometimes I thought less
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: of myself. Sometimes I felt like I didn't measure up
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: to my counterparts or my colleagues because I would look
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  Speaker 1: around and it seemed like everybody else knew what they
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: were doing. Everybody else seemed to have the answer. Everybody
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: else seemed confident. And here I was thinking, why don't
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: I know? Maybe I should know this. Maybe something is
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: wrong with me because I don't know. Here's something I've
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: learned over the years. Sometimes the people we think know
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: everything don't. They've just gotten really good at looking like
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  Speaker 1: they do. Some of us have gotten really good at
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  Speaker 1: doing the same thing. We learn how to hide what
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  Speaker 1: we don't know. We learn how to nod our heads.
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  Speaker 1: We learn how to sit in a meeting and hope
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  Speaker 1: no one asks us a question. We learn how to
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  Speaker 1: go back to our office and Google it. We learn
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  Speaker 1: who we can secretly call. We learn who it's safe
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  Speaker 1: to ask. And sometimes we even learn how to avoid
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  Speaker 1: situations where somebody might discover that we don't know. Because
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  Speaker 1: I don't know doesn't feel like an answer anymore. It
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  Speaker 1: feels like an admission. An admission that maybe I'm not
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  Speaker 1: as good as they thought I was. For years, I
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  Speaker 1: thought that I don't know meant something about who I was.
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  Speaker 1: Not just because of what other people thought about me.
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  Speaker 1: But because of what I thought about myself. And that's different.
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  Speaker 1: Because now we're not talking about knowledge anymore. We're talking
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  Speaker 1: about identity. If I don't know something, does that mean
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  Speaker 1: I'm not intelligent? If I don't know something, does that
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  Speaker 1: mean I'm not qualified? If I don't know something, does
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  Speaker 1: that mean I shouldn't have this position? If I don't
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  Speaker 1: know something, does that mean somebody else is better than me?
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  Speaker 1: If I don't know something, does that mean I don't
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  Speaker 1: belong in the room? Those are very different questions than
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: simply saying, I don't know. Somewhere along the way, something
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  Speaker 1: dawned on me. It sounds simple now, but it wasn't
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  Speaker 1: simple for me then. And that is, it's okay to say,
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  Speaker 1: I don't know. It's okay to not know something. I
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  Speaker 1: don't have to know everything. Once I really started accepting that,
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  Speaker 1: something changed. I was no longer stuck with what I
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  Speaker 1: thought were the consequences of not knowing. I stopped caring
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  Speaker 1: as much about what people might think. I started owning
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  Speaker 1: the fact that I didn't know something. Instead of beating
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  Speaker 1: myself up about it, I started trying to find the answer.
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  Speaker 1: I didn't have to feel guilty for not knowing. I
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  Speaker 1: didn't have to I didn't have to immediately start thinking
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  Speaker 1: about what could have happened because somebody discovered that I
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  Speaker 1: didn't know something. I could hold my head up and say,
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  Speaker 1: I don't know, and be okay. But here's what really
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  Speaker 1: changed things for me. I learned that I don't know
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  Speaker 1: doesn't have to be the end of the sentence. I
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  Speaker 1: could say I don't know, but I'll find out. Or
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  Speaker 1: I don't know, but let's figure it out together. That's different.
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  Speaker 1: Because I don't know acknowledges where I am. I'll find
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  Speaker 1: out acknowledges that I don't have to stay there. And
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  Speaker 1: let's figure it out together acknowledges that I don't have
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  Speaker 1: to figure everything out by myself. And that was totally
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  Speaker 1: freeing for me. Because I've accepted the reality that I
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  Speaker 1: don't know everything and I don't have to. Now, I'm
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  Speaker 1: not going to sit here and tell you all of
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  Speaker 1: those feelings never come back. They do. Every now and again,
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  Speaker 1: something happens and that little voice comes back. You should
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  Speaker 1: know this. Why don't you know this? What are they
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  Speaker 1: going to think when they find out? I don't know.
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  Speaker 1: The difference now is I don't get stuck there anymore.
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  Speaker 1: I don't get stuck at I don't know. Because now
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  Speaker 1: I understand that there's usually a way to figure it out.
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  Speaker 1: I may not know, but somebody does. Maybe I need
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  Speaker 1: to ask somebody. Maybe I need to look it up.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe I need to read. Maybe I need to do
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  Speaker 1: some research. Maybe I need to make a phone call.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe I need to admit that somebody else in the
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  Speaker 1: room knows more about this than I do. And that
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  Speaker 1: is okay. And that brings me back to the position.
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  Speaker 1: What happens when we're in positions where people expect us
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  Speaker 1: to know? Because nobody knows everything about their position. Nobody. Nobody.
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  Speaker 1: Don't care how long you've been doing it. Just when
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  Speaker 1: you think you've got it, something else gets introduced. Some
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: new policies, some new technologies, some new symptom, some new theology,
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  Speaker 1: some new employee situation, some new regulation, some new problem,
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  Speaker 1: some new question that nobody has ever asked you before.
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  Speaker 1: And there you are, the person with the title, the
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  Speaker 1: person with the experience, the person everybody expects to have
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  Speaker 1: the answer and you don't know. That's okay. The position
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  Speaker 1: doesn't make you all-knowing. The degree doesn't make you all-knowing.
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  Speaker 1: The title doesn't make you all-knowing. Experience doesn't make you all-knowing.
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  Speaker 1: And pretending to know something that you don't doesn't make
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  Speaker 1: you more qualified. It just makes you somebody pretending to know.
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  Speaker 1: And sometimes saying I don't know may actually be the
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  Speaker 1: most responsible answer you can give. But I think there's
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  Speaker 1: another side of this that we don't talk about enough.
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  Speaker 1: What kind of environment are we creating for the people
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  Speaker 1: around us when they don't know? Because I know what
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  Speaker 1: it feels like to be afraid to say it. So
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  Speaker 1: now I ask myself, do people feel safe saying I
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  Speaker 1: don't know around me? And that's yet a different question.
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  Speaker 1: If somebody comes to me and says, Michael, I don't
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  Speaker 1: know how to do this. What's my response? Do I
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  Speaker 1: make them feel small? Do I embarrass them? Do I
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  Speaker 1: immediately ask them why they don't know? Do I make
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  Speaker 1: them regret asking me? Or do I help them figure
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  Speaker 1: it out? Because maybe some of us became afraid to say,
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  Speaker 1: I don't know. Because somebody taught us to be afraid.
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  Speaker 1: And if that's true, we have an opportunity to make
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  Speaker 1: sure we don't teach somebody else the same lesson. That's
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  Speaker 1: something I've had to think about. Because once you've been
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  Speaker 1: the person who was afraid to ask, you have a
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  Speaker 1: choice when you become the person being asked. And I'm
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  Speaker 1: learning something else. Sometimes I don't know is actually the
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  Speaker 1: beginning of something. Because if I already know everything, what
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  Speaker 1: is there left for me to learn? But when I
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  Speaker 1: can admit that I don't know, I've created room. Room
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  Speaker 1: to ask. Room to listen. Room for somebody else to
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  Speaker 1: teach me. Room to change my mind. Room to discover something.
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  Speaker 1: Room to grow. Maybe I don't know isn't always a weakness.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe sometimes it's an opening. For years, I thought I
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  Speaker 1: don't know meant something about who I was. Now, if
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  Speaker 1: I don't know, I don't know. And that's okay. Because
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  Speaker 1: it gives me room to figure it out. I don't
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  Speaker 1: have to feel ashamed. I don't have to question my worth.
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  Speaker 1: I don't have to compare myself to everybody else in
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  Speaker 1: the room. I don't have to pretend. And I don't
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  Speaker 1: have to know everything just because of the position I hold.
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  Speaker 1: Because behind the position, I'm still a person. A person
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  Speaker 1: who knows some things. A person who doesn't know some things.
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  Speaker 1: A person who has learned a whole lot. And a
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  Speaker 1: person who still has a whole lot left to learn.
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  Speaker 1: And I'm finally becoming okay with that. So maybe there's
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  Speaker 1: someone listening today who has been afraid to say those
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: three words. Maybe you've been sitting in meetings pretending. Maybe
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  Speaker 1: you've been afraid somebody would discover that you don't have
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  Speaker 1: all the answers. Maybe you've been comparing yourself to your colleagues.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe you've been wondering whether you really belong in the
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  Speaker 1: position you're in. Maybe you've been thinking less of yourself
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  Speaker 1: because there's something you don't know. So I want to
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  Speaker 1: leave you with this. Not knowing something doesn't tell the
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  Speaker 1: whole story of who you are. You don't know? Okay.
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  Speaker 1: Now what? Ask the question. Find the person. Read the book.
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  Speaker 1: Do the research. Get the help. Learn the lesson. Figure
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  Speaker 1: it out. And if someone asks you something tomorrow and
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  Speaker 1: you don't know the answer, hold your head up, stick
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: your chest out, and say, I don't know. And if
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  Speaker 1: you can find the answer, tell them, but I'll find out.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: And if neither one of you knows, you can say,
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: let's just figure it out together. And there's no shame
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: in that. Because that person behind the position doesn't have
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: to know everything. The person behind the position just has
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: to be willing to keep becoming. I'm Michael Chisholm. And
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  Speaker 1: I'll leave you with a question that sits at the
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: center of every episode. Who are you behind the position?
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: If you've enjoyed this episode, share it with your friends.