Latest / Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis / 080: How to Make a Change When You Do Not Feel Ready

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080: How to Make a Change When You Do Not Feel Ready · Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis

• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back to the Limitless Living Podcast.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Frederica Davis, your host, and today is our Saturday conversation.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is where we talk about identity and purpose and becoming and all the choices that help you create a life that feels more like it's really yours.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: If you know something feels or needs to be changed, but you just keep waiting to be ready for it.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is for you.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's that you keep telling yourself that you'll deal with it when work settles down, that unsettledness, or that hope or dream that you have in the back of your head, or maybe you'll deal with it when the kids need less, or there's more energy, or more money, or you feel more confident, or you have all your ducks in a row and you know exactly what to do first.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is that completely ready, that feeling of being completely ready is rarely something that ever arrives.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: It just doesn't.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you've listened to the first podcast, and I've mentioned it maybe before, I didn't feel ready for this and I procrastinated and got stuck in the perfection and stuck in wanting everything to be just right for two years before I launched this podcast.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the perfect example.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: So whatever it is you have that just doesn't feel quite settled, whether it's your health, whether it's your spirit, your business, your dreams, whatever they are, waiting for everything to be completely ready is not really realistic in most circumstances.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I am not saying that you should jump into every opportunity, ignore your finances or override your instincts, or even make a major decision because somebody else says so or creates urgency around it.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes no is really the right answer.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes, wait, I have to pause, I have to think about this more and prepare better is really the right answer.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes it's not really the wisest answer because sometimes that not yet feeling is really fear, all wrapped up in some pretty little sensible outfit.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now I know that feeling.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: I've had to make many, many, many changes in my life and business over my last decades.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I cannot think of many meaningful ones where I really truly felt completely certain first.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Usually it was more situation of I was really interested in it, I was thinking about it all the time, I was hoping, I was wishing, I was nervous about it, I had practical concerns, yes.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: And part of me just kept wondering whether I could really follow through with it and fear and so on.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now that is much more honest of a description about the way change is sometimes presented to us, really.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: We romanticize the story where a woman suddenly, all of a sudden, knows exactly what she wants, becomes fearless, makes a decision, one big bold decision, and never doubts herself again and has success.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: However, most real life change does not look like that.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: You can want something and you can want something and be very afraid of it all at the same time.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel called towards a new direction and still feel grief about what you might be leaving behind.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And you can invest in yourself and still wonder whether or not you made the right decision.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: You can be ready enough to begin, but not feel ready at all just yet for every part of what comes next.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do you know whether you are thoughtfully waiting and heeding a warning sign or simply just avoiding the decision?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: First, you start by listening to the language you keep using for yourself.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Are you saying, I need one more piece of information?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: But every time you get that information, you then say it again.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: You find another question, and now you need another piece of information.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Are you saying this is not a good time?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Even though you've been saying that for two years or however many years.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, for many of my clients, it's been decades they've been saying that about something.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Are you waiting for maybe everyone around you or someone around you to approve of what you want to do?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Are you hoping the decision that you want to make will somehow be just made for you and then you won't have to be the one making it?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we stay in this indecision because it allows us to avoid both risks.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: We don't want to risk trying and being disappointed, and we also do not officially give up.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: We keep the possibility sitting there safely for in the future.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: But the indecision that has a cost.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: We don't often realize the cost of that.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: When you have this indecision sitting there in the back of your mind, you continue living with this thing that is not working in your life, something that you want to change, and you keep spending your energy thinking about it, wishing, praying, researching, whatever it is.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: You keep beginning the same internal conversations and then never bringing it into a conclusion.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now that alone can become exhausting to your mind, your heart, your soul, your body.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: It really has this powerful effect on us by staying stuck in that.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: So if you have been thinking about making maybe changes in your health or your work, or maybe it's a relationship or your home or the way that you are taking care of yourself, ask yourself this question: What is the cost of me waiting another six months?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: This is not a scare tactic.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Just tell yourself the truth.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: If nothing changes, how are you likely to feel?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: What will become harder?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: What keeps getting pushed to the side?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: What might you wish you had begun today?
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: How will you feel in terms of your confidence, your self-worth if you keep pushing it and pushing it and not accomplishing it?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that was more questions in one.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: But second question I want you to ask yourself is what am I actually afraid will happen if I choose X, Y, Z, whatever your thing is.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: What am I afraid will actually happen if I choose blank?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're afraid you'll spend money and not follow through, okay, valid concern.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're afraid someone will think you're selfish.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Also can be a valid concern.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: However, do you want to live your life by that?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're afraid you'll discover that the change requires more from you than you expected, and it's more than you can give.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, that's not a failure.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's a learning moment.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: That is a moment of you gathering information and maybe approaching this change differently.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you have disappointed yourself before by not following through or whatever, and you don't fully trust yourself now.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: That fear deserves an honest answer, not a pep talk.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you're worried about following through, what support would make you follow through better?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: What would make it more likely to happen?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: If money was the concern, what do the numbers actually say?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need to address this, to accommodate this in your world?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you were worried about time, what would have to move or become simpler?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And if you were worried about what other people will think, are they or that person going to live with the consequences of your current choice?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it really you that's going to learn with live with it?
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Readiness is not the absence of concern.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: It is being willing to look at the concern clearly and then decide what you need in order to move forward responsibly.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: There is another part of this, too, that I see in my clients a lot.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: You're likely very comfortable investing your money, your time, your energy, your heart, your soul when someone else needs something.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: You'll make the appointment, you'll solve the problem, you'll rearrange your entire day to make time for what they need help with.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: You will find a way.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: But when the need belongs to you, suddenly the standard changes.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: You think you should be able to handle it alone, and you wait until it becomes serious enough that it justifies attention.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll give you an example.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: I see this a lot in finances.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: You will wait until it becomes serious enough to justify attention.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to use finances or even a house, okay?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: You wait and wait, and you know you should.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know you want to address it, you want to change something, you want to maybe start that side business and have an extra source of income, or you want to start learning how to invest and you don't do it.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Or if it's your house, you want to reorganize, take the time off, but you have all these reasons why you can't take the time off.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe you know that you want to purge, maybe you know you want to clean up to reorganize, and it's on your list, but you keep finding reasons not to do it because maybe it's a little too uncomfortable for you to do and you don't really want to do it, and all the different reasons, right?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And you tell yourself that other people have it worse.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I should be happy for what I have.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: My gosh, I have such abundance in my world, or I still have a roof over my head, or yeah, money's really tight, but um, you know, at least we have this, this, and this.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: You justify things.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: And you wait until it becomes so serious that now you absolutely have to deal with it.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: So choosing yourself does not mean choosing only yourself.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: It does not mean abandoning your responsibilities.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: When the need belongs to you, suddenly the standard changes.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: You think you should be able to handle it all by yourself, or you kind of push it to the side and you wait and wait and wait until it becomes this serious enough situation that has to absolutely have your attention.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then you start justifying those moments by telling yourself, well, other people have it much worse than I do.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: I should be thankful.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: So choosing yourself does not mean choosing only yourself.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: It does not mean abandoning your responsibilities either, or having to become the center of every situation or anything of the sort.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about being selfish.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: It means your well-being, growth, and future are allowed to be part of your world.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: They are allowed to be included in the decisions you make.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: You are one of the people that you are responsible for caring for.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Let me add that.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: We as women, we love to care for everybody else.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: We love to be there for everybody else.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Even I struggle with this sometimes, and I have to take a step back and I have to disconnect a little bit, turn everything off, and say, okay, what do I need to focus on for me to keep me as thriving and healthy and moving forward as I can be.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not selfish.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: We struggle, though, with choosing ourselves sometimes over other people.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: We, you, are one of the people you are responsible for caring for.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes choosing yourself will look a whole lot less dramatic than you think.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: It does not have to be overly complicated.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: It might be just simply making that annual physical or the appointment that you've been postponing.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: It might be asking for help from somebody who knows how to do something that is just a little beyond your scope and you need help with, but you're not asking.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: It may mean learning to say no to some things that you no longer have the capacity to carry.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: They're not yours to carry.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they shouldn't have been in the first place, or maybe you're just ready for them not to be now.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now, it could mean that you choose to take a class, could be joining a program or a group or socializing, returning to therapy, creating some sort of a better financial plan, or even having a difficult conversation that maybe you've been avoiding.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: So you don't need to promise yourself that you'll do any of this perfectly.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to promise yourself you'll do any of this perfectly.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: You also don't need to do all of this at once, but you do need to decide whether you are willing to participate in your own self-care, your own life, your own responsibilities, honestly.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: That distinction really matters.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Perfection will say, can I guarantee that I will never miss a day, lose momentum, or fall back into an old pattern?
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Of course you can't guarantee that.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Having a mindset of participation will ask you, okay, when life happens and derails me, am I willing to reset, return, and get right back on track?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Am I willing to ask for help instead of disappearing?
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Am I willing to learn from what didn't work instead of using it as proof that I cannot change or I'm not worthy, or I shouldn't be doing this?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's a much more useful kind of readiness.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: And here's a simple way to think through a decision today.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: Take out a piece of paper and write down four things.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: First, what do I know is not working anymore?
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Second, what have I already tried and what is missing from those attempts?
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Third, what support structure or information would help me take the next step?
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: And fourth, if I say no or not yet, what am I choosing instead?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: That final question is really important.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: No is a choice.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna say this again.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: No is also a complete sentence.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: You are allowed to say no without giving explanation, period.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: No is a choice.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: Not yet is also a choice.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Staying where you are is a choice, and none of these choices is automatically wrong, but you deserve to make it a conscious choice.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: So don't say not yet when you really mean I'm scared.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Say, okay, I'm a little nervous about this.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: I need to work through that a little bit before I can say yes, but I don't want to say no.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Let me work through that.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: You see the difference here.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: So you're not saying not yet, and then that's it.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: When you're scared, you're working through that so you can move through that, work through that truth.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Do not say, I don't have the time.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: When the real fuller truth is that you just simply have not decided that whatever it is has a place in your time.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's just not important enough to put in your time.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Exercise is a great example of this.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: So many of us say, Oh, I don't have time to exercise, I don't have time to exercise.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: I have done this, we've all done this, I think.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: Where, you know, life is crazy, life is busy, and there are definitely periods where it's really hard.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: However, one of the things I teach in my whole woman reset program is how to incorporate exercise throughout your entire day without adding another minute to your day.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's possible.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: I do it every day now.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's possible to make it part of your day instead of this scheduled event.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: So that's a perfect example of this.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Don't say I do not have time, when the fuller truth is that you really have decided that whatever it is does not yet deserve a place in your time.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: And don't say I'm waiting until I'm ready, if what you really mean is that I wish I could get a guarantee.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: I really want a guarantee that this is going to work before I do anything.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: There are very few guarantees in life of any kind, at least not in any kind of meaningful part of life.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: And what you really might need is just enough clarity to take the next honest step.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: And on that note, I also want to remind everybody that today is the final day of early enrollment for the whole woman reset.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be very clear about that without turning this conversation into a sales pitch.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you have been considering the reset, the question is not whether you can become a perfectly disciplined woman by September 30th and actually finish this when you haven't finished other things or whatever it is that's going on in your head.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what I'm asking of you.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that is not what the programs build around.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: The question is whether or not you are ready enough to look honestly at your whole life, recognize what needs attention, choose a realistic place to begin, and allow yourself to be supported as you practice something different.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if the answer is yes, or even if it's I think so, then go on over to my website, fredericadavis.com.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'll put the link in the show notes.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: Check it out more.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: You can read all the details about the whole woman reset.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: It starts on September 30th.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Early enrollment pricing and the reset mapping and orientation session that you get with early enrollment are available through the end of today.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: So$11.59, that goes away.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: If the full program is not the right decision for you, it's totally okay.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: You can still download the free reset starter while you're there and use it to begin your own honest assessment.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now, whatever you decide, make a decision that you can respect.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to say this about anything in your life that you're talking about.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: Not a decision driven only by pressure or fear or guilt or what somebody else thinks about you.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to feel completely ready to choose yourself.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: What you need is enough honesty to know what is no longer working, enough courage to consider what could be different, and enough self-trust to take one responsible step.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for spending part of your Saturday with me.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode made you think of a woman who keeps waiting for the perfect time to make a change, send it to her.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe this is the conversation she needs to hear.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: And if you haven't given us a review, please give us a review on any of the platforms.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: This helps people find the show.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, be rooted, be resilient, and be limitless.