Latest / The Birth Lounge Podcast / Ep. 464: The Mindf*cks of Motherhood: Mom Friends, “You’re So Lucky,” and Not Missing Your Old Life Solocast with HeHe Stewart

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Ep. 464: The Mindf*cks of Motherhood: Mom Friends, “You’re So Lucky,” and Not Missing Your Old Life Solocast with HeHe Stewart · The Birth Lounge Podcast

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These are the three things that I just cannot shake.
They continue to just baffle me in how it actually came to fruition versus what I was expecting.
Hello, and welcome back to another episode of The Birth Lounge Podcast.
You guys, I know that making decisions around your birth can feel so overwhelming.
And then once you get to a place of having made a decision, you go into your prenatal appointment or you go into labor, and then if you're faced with any sort of resistance or pushback from your hospital team, it can kind of feel like you are coming up against a roadblock or a brick wall or kind of like a WTF moment.
Like, "I feel so informed, I feel so confident.
Why is my medical team working against me?" Well, that's exactly why I have created my scripts for advocacy.
This is a guide that is jam-packed with the most common objections from your OB that you're going to face in late pregnancy and in labor.
It's gonna cover things like 39-week induction, late term ultrasounds, various interventions, how do you decline things that don't feel aligned to you, and then how do you truly advocate for the things that you do want.
Consent is not a form or a piece of paper that should be shoved in your face.
It's a question.
It's a full-blown discussion.
It's fluid, and not only can you give it freely, but you can take it away just as easily.
You know what I always say, if you don't have the freedom to either say yes or no, then it's not true informed consent.
That would be called coerced consent.
I want you to be overly prepared to advocate for yourself.
I want you to be overly confident in saying no.
I want you to be overly informed about the options that you can request and the discussions that you can have with your healthcare team as your pregnancy progresses and as you labor with your baby.
Why? Well, because I know that this is the number one crucial key factor in helping you avoid birth trauma and having a birth that leaves you feeling empowered and inspired, not broken and bruised.
Understanding what your options are is one thing, but knowing how to actually achieve them and stand strong in the face of adversity, resistance, and even medical manipulation while you're trying to have your baby is the key.
This guide is completely free and like I say, it is jam-packed with the most common objections that you're gonna face from your OB.
You can download this guide at thebirthlounge.com/scripts-r-
for-advocacy.
Again, that's thebirthlounge.com/scripts-for-advocacy.
I absolutely cannot wait to help you have the birth of your dreams, and I'm so committed to helping you achieve the birth that you've always dreamed of.
Grab my free guide at thebirthlounge.com/scripts-for-advocacy
Before we get started, I wanted to give you a little heads-up that, um, there is gonna be explicative language.
I am gonna say the F word today.
Um, when I tell you what the topic is, you will understand.
But, uh, yeah, just a heads-up there.
Maybe not safe for work or children's ears The top question that I have gotten is, what are some things that you did not expect? What are the things that caught you off guard? I don't know why people are so curious about this, but, you know, as we've moved through the different times and spaces in postpartum, I've shared what was kind of on my mind at that point.
And now that I am six to seven months out, I have narrowed down my list to three things that continue to pop up, and I continue to say, "I just cannot believe that this is a real thing."
Like, I can't believe this is how this plays out.
I was totally wrong about them going into pregnancy and motherhood.
And so today's episode, I'm calling The Mindfucks of Motherhood.
These are the three things that I just cannot shake.
They continue to just baffle me in how it actually came to fruition versus what I was expecting.
Starting strong with number one, mom friends.
Okay.
So my expectation was that it was hard to make mom friends, but also my expectation was that the friends that I had would stay around.
And so I figured, like, there's always room for new friends if I were to meet a mom friend that I was particularly drawn to, or I just really loved, or we clicked instantly, or whatever.
but that my friends would remain.
It hasn't been like that, and I am a little shook about it.
The people that were so active in my life and such close friends in my life leading up to the birth of Saggy not all of them stuck around in that same capacity, and I did not see that coming.
I have been really caught off guard by that.
I have, you know, I have some friends that check on me every single week, and I'm like, "Ugh, you are so genuine and golden and just, like, cream of the crop, goodness of the earth type people, and this is who I thought you would be because this is the friend you've always been to me."
And then I have friends who, I have some friends that have not met my child, and he's six to seven months old, and these are, like, friends of mine I have some friends who don't ever reach out to me, but when I reach out to them, they're still very friendly.
And I just wanna be like, "Has something changed?" You know? And some of these people have children, some of them don't.
Um, and then you have the friends who, when you have a baby, you just become closer.
And for me, this was people that I was never super close with.
I was friends with them, but we became moms in similar times, like, around each other, within a few months of each other.
And so not only are we going through kinda the same things at the same time, but the people that I have become closer friends with, or my relationship has grown deeper with them, are people who parent like me.
And it's interesting because my friends who don't parent like me, I don't feel any sort of distance from them.
But I almost feel like distance on their end.
I don't know.
I should really have a conversation about this, but I haven't yet.
I think I've just kind of been watching how things go, because I, I've never been here before.
I don't know if this is normal.
I don't know if this is how it goes.
I don't know if maybe there is no, you know, maybe there's no emotion at all on their end, and this is just what motherhood friendships are like because we're all so dang busy, and we wake up, and we have to be on because our kids are already up.
And then by the time we go to bed, we're so worn out that if anybody texted us, we wouldn't respond anyway.
W- that's going to bed with me.
I will talk to you in the morning.
You know? I, I don't know, because I've not ever been here before.
It is something that, for me, I continue to just You know, I'll see pictures on my phone, or we have a skylight in our home, and as the pictures roll across that, or Facebook memories, or your Apple iPhone memories, or memories in general, sometimes we're just talking about, you know, stories.
And a person will pop up, and you're like, "Oh, we used to be, like, such good friends."
And then as you kinda think about it, you're like, "Man I should really text that person.
Like, why haven't we talked? You know, we're both moms, or, um, we were so close before I had the baby.
And I don't know if it's maybe like they don't wanna bother me because they think I'm so busy with a baby.
And like, sure, yeah, I'm busy, but pre-Saggy I was running a business, right? I was equally as busy.
Arguably, in some ways I'm less busy now.
Um, it's just interesting.
Mom friends have, has really, like, it's been a mind fuck for sure.
Uh, yeah.
I, um, I don't know.
I don't know.
That one is...
That one's crazy.
I have just been so observant of how different relationships have transformed since becoming pregnant and having a baby.
And, you know, I always saw the, the reels about like, "You'll never forget who checks in on you and who takes care of you", and it's so true.
People that I did not think would be so involved with our child's life are, are like so involved, always asking for pictures, always asking to come see him, always going out of their way to, you know, just make sure that they're thinking of us, and making Saggy feel loved, and, um, always have a gift for him, which obviously it's not about gifts, but it just, it's the small things like that that are a reminder like, oh my gosh, this person was out and they remembered my child and got him something.
Like, it's just, it is crazy.
And like I say, the people who I talk to every single day, we did not have that relationship pre having babies.
So it's just been interesting.
I'm not saying that it's good or bad, it's just different than what I had anticipated.
And so for that reason, it goes down as a motherhood mind fuck.
All right, number two is How offended I get when people say that I'm lucky.
So I used to just, like, gently correct people when they would say, like, "Oh, you're so lucky that your business is successful."
And I used to say, like, "Actually, luck doesn't really have anything to do with it."
Um, I've been unlucky in business k- k- k- k- more times than I can literally count on my fingers and my toes times three.
Like, the luck comes and it goes, just like it does for everybody, just like it does for everything, not just in business.
Every season of life, luck comes and goes.
And so can I attribute, you know, 11 years of success to luck? No.
Um, but I never was offended by it.
People used to say, like, "Oh, you're so lucky you have a good husband."
And it's like, did luck have anything to do with it? Luck may have brought us together, had our paths cross, if you believe in that.
I believe that when you find your soulmate, it is more intentional.
I think the universe, like, intentionally crosses your paths with people, but I, I believe that about good relationships, bad relationships, good run-ins, bad run-ins.
I believe that the paths that we're meant to cross intentionally happen to us for good, for...
It's always good reasons, but sometimes they are fun lessons and good happy lessons, and sometimes they are not fun lessons, but they're a lesson nonetheless.
Anyway, off of that tangent, people will say, like, "Oh, you're so lucky to have a good husband."
And it's like, not really.
I intentionally dated.
I didn't accept less than I knew I was worth.
I was also a great partner.
We have very intentional conversations.
We rely on one another.
Like, our love is really genuine, and, you know, we really try and, and embody, like, a healthy, strong relationship.
And so I don't think that that has anything to do with luck.
That was, again, being very intentional.
Intentional with my business, intentional with who I dated and, and the husband that I chose.
And You know, I heard it so much in motherhood, and it has shifted from, like, not really to, like, actually, I'm offended that you would chalk up my birth experience and my postpartum experience and my parenthood, motherhood experience to luck after I've been so transparent online and sharing how intentional I am about things.
And also knowing that, you know, at less than three days postpartum, 66 hours postpartum, we were checked into the ER and had a five-day hospital stay that then resulted in a procedure for my child then when he was so fragile and newborn, and then another one a few months later.
And it's just like, I have had the good luck and the bad luck and the ups and the downs, and I am not immune to unexpected, unanticipated, unwanted things happening.
It's not luck.
And I am, like, trying to sit in this moment of, like, is this offense warranted? Like, how offensive is it really when people say, "It's lucky," and you're like, "No, I'm intentional, and I'm confident about the things that I'm choosing"? And that is not to say I always know what I'm doing, I always know the answer.
I absolutely do not.
I have never been the mom of a six-month-old child before.
I had never been the mom of a two-month-old child before.
I had never had to make permanent sleep decisions about a baby before.
I've always just been a consultant.
I share with parents what their options are, and what they choose is what they choose, and I support that.
I trust them to make that decision.
But when you're making it for your own self and your baby and your family, it feels different.
And so even when I didn't know the right answer, I would look at all of my options, I would talk about it with my husband, and then we would make a decision confidently knowing that right now this is what we're choosing because we think it's the best choice, and that doesn't mean that it was always the easy choice.
There were many a times where we were like, "Uh, we are not sure this is the right choice," but since we're having to make a choice...
And that's kind of the thing is, like, not making a choice isn't an answer.
So if you have to move on to the next step, what do you think right now is the best one to choose? And that's what we would choose, and we would be confident in it.
And then we would know that if we needed to pivot down the line, that's what we would do.
Very, very similar To what we did in birth.
Very similar.
My confidence in birth was a bit higher because I had been so close to birth from start to finish.
I've seen all the types of birth.
Not, not every single one.
Like, does anyone ever see every single type of birth? But for the majority, there's very rarely a time that someone will bring to me and say, like, "Have you seen the research on this? Done the research on this? Do you have data on this? Have you supported a client with this? Do you have any experience with...
Almost always the answer is yes, in some capacity.
Like, yes, I have the data.
Have never seen it as a doula, but I have taught about it for years.
I have pulled all the limited data, but what I can tell you is I've seen it happen for 10 years, and I can share what I've noticed, patterns I've seen, even if it's not in the data, things like that.
So in some capacity, I am almost always able to say yes.
Very rarely do I have to say, like, "No, I don't have any data on that.
I've never experienced it, and actually, I've never taught on that either."
And so in pregnancy, our confidence was just a little bit higher.
And in, in postpartum when you have this child that's ever-changing, and, you know, postpartum, you're up close and personal with families, but it's for eight-hour stints overnight, and then you go home.
Or it's for three, four, five hours during the day, and then you go home.
Or, you know, here's the real kicker is that you're either with them for a finite amount of time.
So let's say they hired you for four weeks postpartum or for four months postpartum.
After that, that's that.
You, you, you don't ever get up close and personal all the way through nonstop in postpartum with a growing baby because it's such a longer duration of time, where birth is, you know, 24 hours, 36 hours, three days, and you get to see that whole process unfold.
And so this is all just to say, you know, be confident in the choices that you're making, even if you don't know exactly the right choice.
Be intentional.
And I think for me, I'm so intentional about being intentional.
Twilight zone.
Um- That it is, it has just become offensive when people say, "You're so lucky.
You're so lucky that your baby is happy."
Like, no, I don't make him cry it out.
I feed him on demand.
When he fusses, I don't say like, "Oh, Saggy, you're fine."
I go over and I give him physical comfort and I say like, "What are you trying to say, you silly boy? Look at your little duck in front of you.
Quack, quack, quack, quack."
And then I may set him down and I interact with his duck and him, and I give him that reassurance that, "You're okay.
You're fine.
I'm right here."
And, you know, I follow his sleep cues and so he's not overtired.
And when he calls out, I come.
And I just have been very intentional about the relationship that we have and about the ways in which I am showing him that he's safe, and about the parenting choices.
And so when someone reduces it down to luck, it just feels offensive because it's like actually every single decision that I have ever made about this child, starting in pregnancy, has been well thought out, and I've put my hands on every single piece of research that was available to me at that time, and I made a choice based on that.
It wasn't really luck.
You know, when people say, "Oh, you're so lucky that your child travels so easily," not really.
I've been very intentional.
We started to take Saggy out intentionally just out for dinner, for lunch, for coffee breaks, for brunch.
After doctor's appointments, we would go get a meal.
We used to walk around, you know, the busy places in the city, the parks and, and the sidewalks of the city.
And we were intentional about getting him out, making him flexible, make sure that we're following his cues.
But outside of the house, you know, we had a travel sound machine.
We still have it.
He sleeps in a carrier or in his stroller.
And so when people reduce that to luck, it's just offensive.
It's like, no, we intentionally I intentionally started to get out of the house between three and four weeks postpartum routinely.
Like It was intentional.
Does luck have a little bit to do with it? Maybe.
Who's to say? I don't know if luck has nothing to do with it.
Your baby's temperament has some to do with it But not everything.
I don't know.
I was really caught off guard by how, how offended I would be when people reduce it down to luck, and that is coming from someone who is like, there are very few things that you can say to me that are offensive.
I am just not, and I joke about this all the time online, I'm not offendable.
Um, I just, like, don't get offended.
Even when you're trying to offend me, I'm like, "That's so silly.
I know that's not true about myself."
So I'm not...
I mean, I'm not offended.
You just look like not smart or like you don't know me you know? Like, I know that stuff is not true about me.
And so I was caught off guard by being offended when someone says, "You're so lucky, X, Y, and Z, that your baby sleeps through the night."
Like, heck no.
I have an entire sleep guide that has taught thousands, literally no lie, thousands of parents to get their baby sleeping through the night by 16 weeks.
And 90% of those parents, their baby is sleeping through the night between five and eight weeks.
And we are talking four, five, six, seven, eight hours at night.
Your baby has an upward weight gain trajectory.
Your feeding is going well.
Your baby is genuinely balanced.
Their sleep pressure is not off during the day.
You're not having a witching hour.
That's another one.
People will be like, "You're so lucky.
You've never had a witching hour."
No.
What? If I let Saggy make his own schedule in the beginning, we would've had witching hours every single day for hours.
I put him to sleep on a biological schedule.
I made sure that I was reading his sleep cues.
I made sure that he did not get overtired.
I made sure that during his wake windows, I was being intentional about the things that we would do so that I could run down his battery to a place where he was ready for sleep.
Sleep pressure.
It's all in my newborn sleep solutions guide.
I cannot tell you the number of people who this has helped.
Even people who are struggling in the beginning, you don't have to implement it from day one.
It's better if you do.
But if you are on your journey of sleep training or deciding if sleep training is right for your baby, before you sleep train, let me teach you the biological needs and boundaries of baby sleep.
And for the most part, our solution guide will help you avoid having to use harsher sleep training methods, because you don't need to train your baby.
Your baby comes here knowing how to sleep, right? It's like a...
It's like humans come here knowing how to breathe, how to swallow, how to poop.
Now, of course, there are babies that sometimes struggle with that, but that is, that's an anomaly.
That's a variation.
For the most part, you've got these things that are human instincts.
And sleep, because we need sleep to survive, like we need water, swallowing; like we need air, breathing- Sleeping is something your baby knows how to do.
Where we go wrong is that adults, and Western culture specifically, has taught you that babies need to sleep on a regimented schedule.
And while I believe in the regimented part, it's not on a schedule.
It's based in biology, because your baby is working off of biological foundations.
And so I'm gonna take what I know about baby biology, and I'm gonna help you put that into sleep foundations.
And in that sleep guide, I'm gonna teach you everything that you need to know to break down what your baby needs to sleep through the night, to keep their weight gain in an upward trajectory, to sleep soundly, right? I want to help you get the best sleep, and so I do that in the sleep guide.
So no, it wasn't luck that I've never had a witching hour.
That was fucking intentional.
Like, in every single thing I did from day one, it was intentional.
I think that's why this one falls under the mind fuck episode, because there was no luck in that.
It just wasn't.
Ugh, my gosh, I just...
I feel worked up now.
Okay.
Deep breath.
It's offensive.
I just don't want you to allow people in your life to reduce your efforts and your intentionality and the decisions that you're making and the mental load of being a mom, to reduce it down to luck, 'cause it's not luck.
I see you.
I know that you want the best for your baby, and I know that you're making intentional decisions.
And, like, we are, we are together.
Okay? I see you, I am you.
Hold my hand, friend, 'cause we're in it together.
All right.
That brings me to my third thing, and this is my number one.
Because at first, I was like, "Isn't that kinda weird?" And then as we got to, like, two or three months postpartum, I was like, "Okay, well, this must be wearing off.
Like, it's gotta set in at some point."
And then four to five months, I was like, "Okay, since we are nearing six months, it has got to be wearing off."
And I gotta be honest, now that we're, like, six to seven months old and we're six to seven months since having a baby postpartum, I still am semi-waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I don't know if it will.
Maybe it'll come at nine to 12 months.
Maybe it'll come at one year.
Maybe it'll come at 18 months.
Maybe it'll come when we have a second baby.
Maybe it'll come when we have a house full of children.
I don't know.
But my number one motherhood mind fuck is how little I miss my old life.
I, I remember her, and I honor her, and I love her, and oh my gosh, I'm so grateful for the last version of myself, because she set me up so good.
She knew Like deep down instinctually she knew she would want that I would want to be home with our babies.
And old me building that business, man, back in 2016, I told people, they would say, "Why did you start this business?" And I would say, "Because I will eventually be speaking on stages with my baby, baby wearing, with my baby wrapped to me.
And I want to travel around and teach people childbirth education, and I wanna be able to do that with my children with me because I want to show women that birth is a supported event, that you can be a mom and show up however you are and get evidence-based childbirth education and birth among a community of people who think like you and support you and, like, really rally around you," right? I wanted to show moms that what we all long for deep down inside That it's possible.
And I'll be damned if that is not my life, and I'm so fucking You know, it's gotta be that luck.
It's gotta be all the luck that I accumulated.
No.
Hell no.
It's intentionality, and for 10 years, I built this business With the intention of this being what it looks like, I get to show up for you twice a week on the podcast.
I get to show up for you every month in the Birth Lounge.
I'm putting out new videos.
I am updating research.
I am giving you new articles of research.
I'm helping you have conversations with your provider.
I show up in a live call.
There is a thread of so many discussions going on of new moms and expecting moms having the discussions that you want to have and/or your postpartum self is going to need.
They're already happening, and I get to be a part of that, and I get to raise my family, and I could literally just cry.
I have an amazing team that works with me, and our clients are so loved, and they have such great births.
It feels like this little pocket of, like, magical birthland because when you look at the overall healthcare system in the US, it's unsettling, right? We have this astronomical induction rate, this astronomical C-section rate, astronomical birth trauma rate, and we just don't see that in our community, and it just makes me so happy.
I feel so honored.
But 10, 11 years ago me knew that this is what I wanted, and she knew what she was doing, and I don't miss that version of myself because I'm in a new era.
But man, am I so grateful for her, and I knew I would be grateful for her, but I thought I would miss it.
I thought I would miss the freedom.
I thought I would miss working all the time.
I thought I would miss, you know, having nights to myself.
I thought I would miss traveling.
I thought I would miss a lot about the old version of my life, pre-Saggy boy, and I just do not.
It was so much fun, and I remember them.
The memories have so much fondness.
I remember them with such joy and happiness and love and warmth But I don't think I would go back there.
I love where I am in life right now.
It is so much fun being a mom.
And are there times where I'm like, "Ugh."
Okay, so here's an example.
I was not able to go to an event on Monday night that had been on my calendar, and it was with my girlfriends.
We were having a girls' night out, and I just wasn't able to leave our household.
Um I didn't get to go, and I was super sad about it.
And in that moment, I had this pang of like, ugh, I miss the freedom of just, like, being able to be on my own schedule and just, like, be able to, to, like, leave.
And, and, and, you know, if, if Mr.
HeHe's really stressed out, I still got to leave because I wasn't...
Me leaving didn't leave him with any extra responsibility.
He was still dealing with whatever he was dealing with.
Whereas now, after having a baby, the responsibility that I carry during the day of childcare and being with Saggy when I'm not home then does go to Mr.
HeHe.
And so it's a different dynamic.
And so, you know, when things are, are tough at work or, um, you know, he's really stressed, or he's working with a deadline, or whatever it might be, maybe he's not feeling well, me leaving and putting the responsibility of the childcare piece on him feels a little different this time.
And so I didn't get to go on, on Monday night, and I was sad.
But then I saw Saggy's face, and I was like, you know, my friends are moms.
They understand.
They get it.
Uh, and also, like, extra time with my baby boy.
I just loved it.
I don't know.
Um, it was, it was fine.
I miss my friends, but I will see them next month, and I guess that's the thing is, like, they're not gonna be mad at me, and I didn't put any extra burden on them by not going on Monday night.
But to be able to go on Monday night, I did need to put extra weight to carry on my husband, and on Monday, that wasn't the right time to be able to do that.
And so, um, you know, it comes with things like that.
I don't get to work nearly as much, and we've had to pivot our business a lot.
Um, and I thought I'd be really sad about that, and I'm not.
I thought that I would just, like, crumble at the idea of changing what my business looks like, and I am not because I'm happier.
My team members are happier.
We are able to serve our clients even deeper.
Like, it's insane.
I thought that we were serving them to the fullest of our capacity, and I think we were pre these pivots.
And now it's like, holy cow, I can't believe we operated for so long without doing these things for our clients or without having this call with our clients.
And it just has opened us up to be able to be like truly comprehensive support.
We were super comprehensive before, but like now we think about everything and it doesn't feel like we have to carry the mental load of that.
So anyway, you guys, those are my three motherhood mind fucks.
I, um, I wanted to share those.
They have been things that have continuously popped up, and like I shared with missing my old life, they may change in the future.
I don't know.
I'm not a, a fortune teller.
I can't tell you what's coming down the pipeline for me.
But what I can tell you is these are things that at six months postpartum, I am still kind of surprised that this is how they played out, and this is the experience that I had.
And that's that.
So I would love to know what your motherhood mind fucks are.
Like, what were the things that caught you so off guard that you were just like, "Wow, I cannot believe this is how that transpires"? All right, you guys, I'll see you in the next episode.
Thanks so much for hanging out with me.
I love hanging out with you every single week.
Be sure to follow me on social media.
You can find me at tranquilitybyhehe or at the.birth.lounge.
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