Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Raising Responsible Readers [a Q&A About Inappropriate Books]

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Raising Responsible Readers [a Q&A About Inappropriate Books] · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Hello and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. What do
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: you do when your kids want to read but you
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: don't really like what they're reading. You feel like they're
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: reading stuff that's too mature for them, that it's too romantic,
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: that it's too eh and you're sort of going, oh,
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: but you know how important reading is. How are you
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  Speaker 1: supposed to find the middle ground? Where do you go
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: with this to help your children to do what's page appropriate.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: It's not just reading, it's TV shows and movies and
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: streaming and all that stuff. We're going to talk about
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  Speaker 1: that next as we answer one of your tricky questions
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: on the Happy Families podcast. Stay with us. Hello and
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: welcome to the Happy Families podcast, where you get real
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: parenting solutions every single day. It's Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Where Justin and Kylie Callson were the parents of six daughters,
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: and I sound a bit disappointed when I said that
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: after yesterday's conversation, I think I need to say that
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: differently with the parents of six daughters, and we are
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: excited to answer your tricky questions about anything that you
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: are challenged by at home, in your family and your relationships.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: If you'd like to submit a tricky question. We've got
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: a super simple system at happy families dot com dot
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: You just scroll down the podcasts, click the record button
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: and start talking, or you can send us a voice
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: note to podcasts at happy families dot com dot au. Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: A question today comes from Anna, who asks the following, Hi.
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  Speaker 2: Doctor Colson and Carlie. First of all, thank you for
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  Speaker 2: your podcast. It's really helpful and informative for parents, especially
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  Speaker 2: Kylie prospective as a mother of six daughters. I honestly
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  Speaker 2: don't know how she does it, because my daughter is
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  Speaker 2: driving me crazy. She's twelve years old. She loves reading,
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  Speaker 2: and I love that she loves reading, and I encourage that.
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  Speaker 2: But at the moment she's choose book that I think
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  Speaker 2: that a little bit too Matthew for her on the
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  Speaker 2: romance focus side, so I think I think they are
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  Speaker 2: more appropriate for fifteen, fourteen, sixty years old. When I
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  Speaker 2: suggest the more appropriate books, she thinks they are boring,
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  Speaker 2: and she insists that there is nothing wrong with the
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  Speaker 2: book that she's reading it. I have to underline that
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  Speaker 2: she doesn't ever fond or personal device, even TV show
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  Speaker 2: and movies. They are strictly PGY and the only device
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  Speaker 2: that she's used is the computer that she needs to
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  Speaker 2: use at school. She's really oppositional, especially on these things,
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  Speaker 2: and we always end up fighting. I try to guide
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  Speaker 2: it and connect with her, but she thinks that I
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  Speaker 2: don't understand anything. I don't know anything, and how can
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: I have my boundaries but still keep the connection and
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  Speaker 2: guide through this moment without fighting? Thank you?
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: Okay, Kylie, mum to six daughters and the person whose
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: perspective is appreciated even more than mine. We get this
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  Speaker 1: a lot, don't we. People say, oh, yeah, justin you
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  Speaker 1: know stuff, but we just like listening to Kylie. So
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  Speaker 1: I've got a bunch of notes and I've got a
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: whole lot of things that i could say, but I
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  Speaker 1: think Anna really wants to hear from you on this one. Missus.
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  Speaker 3: Happy families and first of all, winning, I'm just going
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  Speaker 3: to put it out there. No devices at twelve, we're
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  Speaker 3: doing great. Yeah, that's the first thing. The second thing,
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  Speaker 3: we have six girls in our house who all have
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: loved reading, and don't squash it. Whatever you do, don't
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  Speaker 3: squash that love. That's such an important skill and it's
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  Speaker 3: just a wonderful pastime. For your daughter to be involved.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: In would also. So we've been we've been troubled with
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: this exact challenge with six of our daughters as well, and.
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  Speaker 3: We now have this. We now have five police in
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  Speaker 3: our house. It's right, Yeah, who look at their younger
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  Speaker 3: sister and say nope, no, no, you can't read that
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  Speaker 3: into your at least fifteen and they've all read the
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: same books and gone through the same things. And you know,
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  Speaker 3: I think the dilemma of any parent who has a
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  Speaker 3: child who has a deep love for the written word,
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  Speaker 3: because inevitably they will get to a point where the
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  Speaker 3: books that are written for their age no longer keep
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  Speaker 3: their interest or pique their interest because they've been reading
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  Speaker 3: so well and for so long. And then that's the
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  Speaker 3: experience we've had. So a couple of thoughts.
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  Speaker 1: I'll also add before you go into those couple of thoughts, Laudie,
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  Speaker 1: when you start making suggestions to the kids about why
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  Speaker 1: don't you read this, why don't you read that? They
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  Speaker 1: hate it when you suggest a book. Yeah, they don't
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  Speaker 1: want to read the books that you think are going
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  Speaker 1: to be good. They want to read the books that
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  Speaker 1: they think are going to be good, which amplifies the challenge.
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  Speaker 3: The first thing I'll say is that pushing boundaries is
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  Speaker 3: part of growing up, and if your child isn't pushing boundaries,
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  Speaker 3: I'd actually be asking what's going on, because that's how
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  Speaker 3: they learn and where the safety is within those boundaries.
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  Speaker 3: But sometimes it feels really uncomfortable as a parent to
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  Speaker 3: sit there and watch it. The second thing is helping
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  Speaker 3: our kids understand and learn and live good principles enables
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  Speaker 3: them to actually govern themselves. While ever they feel like
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  Speaker 3: they are being controlled and they don't have any autonomy
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  Speaker 3: and their decisions, there is pushback all the time. But
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  Speaker 3: if we can teach our kids what good values are
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  Speaker 3: and what it feels like to be able to live
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  Speaker 3: into those values, then they'll start to see. Sometimes plenty
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  Speaker 3: of books we have brought over the years that have
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  Speaker 3: had a couple of chapters read and then they've been
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  Speaker 3: tossed in the book exchange bag because they recognize that
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  Speaker 3: this wasn't a book that felt good. Another thought is
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  Speaker 3: making sure that you are having open dialogue with your
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  Speaker 3: The more you can have regular conversations, check and points
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  Speaker 3: with your daughter about tricky conversations and have it feel
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  Speaker 3: like just a natural part of your dialogue. The easier
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  Speaker 3: these conversations become, and the easier it is to actually
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  Speaker 3: have conversations about the things that you are concerned about
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  Speaker 3: and them have the buy in to be a part
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  Speaker 3: of that conversation. Stay interested and get curious, not furious.
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  Speaker 3: Every time you get upset with her because she's reading
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  Speaker 3: something that you think is not appropriate, you actually just
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  Speaker 3: kind of push her further away instead of drawing her in.
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  Speaker 3: So what is a way that you can draw her in?
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  Speaker 3: If she really enjoys romance, then find a way that
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  Speaker 3: you can be a part of that process. So for
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  Speaker 3: our twelve year old, she really loves detective style things,
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  Speaker 3: and the shows that she wanted to watch were just
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  Speaker 3: way beyond her and I wasn't comfortable with her watching them.
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  Speaker 3: So I took a little bit of time to research
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  Speaker 3: and find something that I thought might pique her interest.
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  Speaker 3: Our whole family has watched it, except for you because
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  Speaker 3: you don't watch TV. But she loves it and it
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  Speaker 3: was something that I could then share with her. And yes,
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  Speaker 3: every now and again, there's a few adult themes that
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  Speaker 3: are a little bit beyond what I would feel comfortable
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  Speaker 3: sharing with her, But She's been so grateful to be
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  Speaker 3: led into I guess the girls club and have that experience,
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  Speaker 3: and she will come and talk to me about the
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  Speaker 3: things that she sees that are a bit outside of
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  Speaker 3: her kind of comprehension, which makes it much easier for
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  Speaker 3: me to stay involved.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: Okay, after break, I'm going to add a couple of
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  Speaker 1: things if Anna is interested in what doctor Justin Giles
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  Speaker 1: has to say. But I think there's some pretty solid
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  Speaker 1: things out. I'm asto going to disagree with one or
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  Speaker 1: two things that you've mentioned. Well, maybe finess one or
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: two things that you've mentioned, and put a different spin
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  Speaker 1: on them. What do we do when the kids wanted
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: to push the boundaries at ages where they're just too young?
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  Speaker 1: A bit more on that next we're back. This is
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: the Happy Families Podcast, Answering your Tricky Questions. As I
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: listened to Anna's question Kylie and your response, a couple
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  Speaker 1: of things came up. The first is, no matter how
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  Speaker 1: much you try to keep certain content out of your
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  Speaker 1: child's life, it's going to find its way in. There's
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  Speaker 1: this thing called a screen, there's this thing called school,
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  Speaker 1: there's this thing called society, and unfortunately, you can do
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  Speaker 1: everything you can to keep things as pure as a
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  Speaker 1: driven snow where you are, and as soon as your
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  Speaker 1: child steps out of that environment, she or he will
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  Speaker 1: be exposed to other things. So I'm not convinced that
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  Speaker 1: total security, total cocooning is always going to be the
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  Speaker 1: best way forward, Kylie. You've indicated these conversations. Sometimes they work,
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  Speaker 1: sometimes it can be really hard. But there's a model
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  Speaker 1: that I lean on from time to time that I
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  Speaker 1: think is really valuable here. When our children are young,
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  Speaker 1: we want to cocoon them. As they get old, we
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: need to start to pre arm them. That is, we
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  Speaker 1: need to start to have conversations with them about tricky
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  Speaker 1: things before they're exposed to them out in the world,
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  Speaker 1: because they can have that conversation safely and get some
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  Speaker 1: understanding and some practice with it in our home. That's
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  Speaker 1: kind of what you're describing when you're talking about that
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  Speaker 1: TV show that I haven't bothered to watch, but the
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  Speaker 1: rest of the family has, where our twelve year old
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  Speaker 1: daughter probably would rather that she wasn't watching it, but
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  Speaker 1: given everything else that she wants to do, this feels
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  Speaker 1: like it's a pretty safe compromise overall. And then we
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  Speaker 1: get to have conversations because she does come to us
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  Speaker 1: and say, hey, well what about this and what did
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  Speaker 1: that mean? And helping to understand. The next thing that
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  Speaker 1: I want to add, Kylie, is this reading is good,
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  Speaker 1: but content does matter, and there are some things where
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  Speaker 1: you just need to hold your boundary. I don't think
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  Speaker 1: that eleven and twelve year old girls should be reading
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  Speaker 1: young adult fiction that has romance themes. I genuinely don't
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  Speaker 1: think that's appropriate. They might be interested in it, they
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  Speaker 1: might be compelled by it, but we need to work
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  Speaker 1: with librarians and bookstore staff and find books that have
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  Speaker 1: the appropriate safety net or boundaries and guideposts to keep
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  Speaker 1: kids safe. Content is a thing that we do need
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  Speaker 1: to address and be across.
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  Speaker 3: Don't you just wish that books came with a rating? Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: it would make life so much easier for parents. It's
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  Speaker 3: so hard at times. Even books that you and I
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  Speaker 3: have picked up thinking that they would be appropriate, we've
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  Speaker 3: just we've had to get rid of them because they're
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  Speaker 3: not the kind of book that leaves us feeling good.
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  Speaker 1: Hey, I'm going to do a quick shout out as well.
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  Speaker 1: All of our kids have loved a trilogy from a
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  Speaker 1: Tasmanian author by the name of Leanne Tanner. It's called
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: The Keepers. Our kids have loved that trilogy enormously and
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: our youngest is currently reading it, which is why it's
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: top of mind again, really really fun and perfectly suited
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  Speaker 1: for that age group. Anyway, let me move on. The
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  Speaker 1: last thing that I want to highlight. This is Kylie.
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  Speaker 1: You commented about having these conversations, but kids often don't
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: want to get involved. And what Anna said was she
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: thinks that I don't understand. So Steve and our Covey,
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: the author of the best selling Seven Habits of Highly
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: Effective People, shares this story where he is talking about
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  Speaker 1: I can't understand my son. He won't listen to me.
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  Speaker 1: Your daughter just probably needs to be listened to rather
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  Speaker 1: than spoken to. Do you feel like.
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: That's a whole get curious not furious? Right?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah? I just want to expand on that you you highlighted,
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  Speaker 1: and I really wanted to push harder into that sitting
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: down and saying I'm just fighting with you all the
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  Speaker 1: time and it doesn't feel good. And we keep on
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  Speaker 1: having this conversation, what don't I get? What am I missing?
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  Speaker 1: And just keep on asking questions and you can even say, well,
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  Speaker 1: what if there was a book that had this sort
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: of content, and what would you do? How would that
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  Speaker 1: make you feel? How would you respond? There's that pre
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: arming again. Eventually, you've got to be able to defer.
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  Speaker 1: I didn't finish. You've got to defer to your children.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: So you can't get to deference if you can't pre
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: arm them and give them ALFI kind of talks about
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: how if you want to have responsible kids, you have
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: to give them responsibility, and that does start at this age.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: We want to give that to them anyway. We really
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: hope and that this has been helpful information and that
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: it helps you, bit by bit guide your daughter to
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: making better decisions in terms of the media that she consumes.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: But also maybe a quick reminder that we don't have
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: to be as hardcore as we feel like we need
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: to be. Sometimes sometimes I'm putting a big exclamation mark
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: and underlining the Sometimes if you have a tricky question
• 12:15
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• 12:39
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