Latest / The Rooted Family / Ep 4 | Dream Team Marriage (Part 1): Think Like a Team
Transcript
- Christian Cornish: The Daily Missionary Hey friends. hey. Welcome back to the Rooted Family Podcast. We're back. Yes, we ⁓ And we are so excited to be back because today we have an episode that is very near and dear to our hearts. ⁓ We actually recording this episode on Valentine's Day weekend and it will be releasing a few weeks later. Hey friends, before we jump into today's episode, I just wanna give you a quick heads up. Originally, this conversation was one long episode about how to become a dream team in your marriage. But honestly, after listening back, we realized there was just so much practical encouragement packed into the episode that we didn't want it to feel like a fire hose. So we decided to break it into two parts. So in this episode, we're gonna talk about the first I think it's appropriate to be recording on Valentine's Day weekend, because we're talking about love. Ooh, love. Yes, we are talking about how to be a dream team in your marriage. Yes, and we really love marriage. We believe in it. We fight for it. And we believe it's worth preserving. So we just are excited to have this conversation today to really dive into how key to becoming a dream team in your marriage. learning how to think like a team. And then in the next episode, so next week, we'll dive into how to strategize like a team and play like a team in your everyday life. ⁓ So we're really excited for this conversation and we really and pray that it encourages you in your marriage. do we work as a team and what we've learned over the years that we would love to share with you to helping you grow a marriage and ultimately have that grow into your family. Yeah. ⁓ we've had ⁓ ask us ⁓ we are to be such great team in our marriage. ⁓ And, ⁓ people that have ⁓ us a long time, have known we have walked marriages don't fall apart because of lack of love. They fall apart because they stop functioning like a team. And so we hope that you ⁓ are ⁓ just as excited about this as we were recording it. All let's in. many ups and downs in our marriage. We've been married for almost 14 years and I say that we've had a lot of amazing years, but we've also had some really hard years. Like I remember ⁓ specifically that was a very big disagreement for a while. Not because ⁓ we necessarily a ton, but there were a few things that I think we were not aligned in until we went through financial peace university with Dave Ramsey. Yeah, that's true. That is you say that because in a marriage, each person comes with their own family history, their own beliefs, the things that they've been taught. ⁓ I think finances for us was definitely an area where his life, like his abundant life. in John 10, 10, it says, came that they may have life and have it abundantly. But a lot of marriages aren't experiencing abundant life. took us a while to come together and we were not a good team at first. Yeah. And ⁓ I remember, ⁓ I don't know exactly when argument happened, fairly early-ish on, had a, you were going to go get gas in the car. And ⁓ You know, I think in a lot of marriages today, there's a lot of monotony, low intimacy, complacency, roomie energy, of joy, little no fun. You know, almost like boring. Yeah, I think right. That's not ⁓ what Jesus designed to reflect. And as believers, our marriages You know, I think in a lot of marriages today, there's a lot of monotony, low intimacy, complacency, roomie energy, of joy, little no fun. You know, almost like boring. Yeah, I think right. That's not ⁓ what Jesus designed to reflect. And as believers, our marriages I was like, hey, we should use my credit card, because I still had a couple credit cards from when I was in college. And I don't even think you had any credit cards under your name. I opened a credit card to start college. I didn't actually know how to bill credit. I thought just having one bill credit. I always paid it off within five seconds, which does absolutely nothing for your credit score. ⁓ reflect Christ and his bride, the church. marriage was never meant to be endured, it's meant to be enjoyed. when ⁓ operate a team, ⁓ I we really enjoy our marriage more. We're sharing more, we're working better together, and ⁓ if a conflict, we are quicker to work through and resolve it. And when we are not acting like a team, ⁓ it's... reflect Christ and his bride, the church. marriage was never meant to be endured, it's meant to be enjoyed. when ⁓ operate a team, ⁓ I we really enjoy our marriage more. We're sharing more, we're working better together, and ⁓ if a conflict, we are quicker to work through and resolve it. And when we are not acting like a team, ⁓ it's... And it was supposed to be a quote unquote like emergency opportunity. I like literally never used it. Building up all that credit. Yeah. I was the opposite. I'm like, let's rack this thing up. boy, did you. And I was thinking, well, you you got to spend a lot to, you know, build a lot of credit. Who is so stupid ⁓ as think, hey. ⁓ just like two roommates walking past each other all the time. just like two roommates walking past each other all the time. Or like two teams battling against each other. Yeah. Like for example, our credit card situation, ⁓ I was on team credit card, you are on ⁓ no points, ⁓ no points for you. And it's I think a lot of marriages like that in almost way. It's like, well, I'm on this side and he's on this side and we are just not gonna, you know, Let's give a broke college kid a credit card because she could afford to pay for this. mean, that was really actually she can't. Those are the days, though, you know, to be a millennial going to college. Let's not only, you know, give them tens of thousands of school debt and convince them that that's a good idea, but let's give them credit cards on top of it. Yeah. Yeah, it was all brilliant. Yeah. be unified in this decision because he thinks this way and I think this way and there's just no way we can come together. that can be around raising children. ⁓ can be on future dreams and vision. It can be on intimacy. ⁓ mean, there's so many things that I think the enemy just wants us to come head to head on. Yeah, would agree. Yeah. then, ⁓ it's okay, is this actually ⁓ Somebody got rich off that. Really amazing marketers those days. ⁓ I came into marriage with some credit card debt and and I, I think we were pretty aligned that at that point we were not going to gain any debt. That's fair. We were very much like, okay, we really want to make progress on paying off our school loans or debt. And long story short, you were going to go get gas. the enjoyable experience that we all had hoped for on our wedding day. Yeah, we want the abundant life that Jesus promised. Yeah, And I think we're absolutely a witness to God being able to restore what was broken, to make new what was hurting and to heal what was hurting. And I remember thinking, well, if he just puts the gas on our credit card, we'll get the points. And points are great. gets us, you know, miles and, we can cash it in for a twenty five dollar gas card. Like makes total sense to me. Yeah. And I just said no. And yeah, that did go over very well. ⁓ I was upset. I remember that was probably one of the first times. so that we can live this beautiful experience of marriage that is joy-filled. Yep. It's very life-giving. And so if you're listening today and you feel ready to get back to oneness, if you are craving intimacy, unity, you're wanting to be a team with your spouse, this episode is for you. But there are also some listening whose marriages I was very mad that you didn't see my point of view. Well, actually I did. I just didn't accept your point of view. That's true. I think I was mad that you weren't going to give in to my point of view. And ⁓ I think that that was just one of many moments tension that happened moving forward. And if you go back and listen to episode one, you can hear more of our story because we ended up- are in a really rocky place and we do want to acknowledge that. And if you've mentioned divorce recently, if intimacy has pretty much disappeared, if your spouse feels more like a roommate than a covenant partner, and becoming a team just feels nearly impossible, or honestly if you just don't really care anymore, you don't really care to fix it, then getting to a really hard place in our marriage about two to three years in where we really needed extra help. And I think that at that time we weren't failing in our marriage we didn't love each other. The love was absolutely there. We were just struggling to function like a team. Yeah. And God designed marriage for unity. That is smoke. And when there's smoke, there's fire. smoke is absolutely a sign. And there so many to see that just from the many that I listed and many more. ⁓ And so ⁓ we just don't want for you. ⁓ don't want you to just manage the ⁓ And so ⁓ if you are feeling you know what, we're pretty gone. and marriage is supposed to reflect Christ and his church. And when we realized that and took it seriously, we really started focusing in on how are we gonna be a really great team? what does that look like? I would say we, never with the intention to teach it or something, it just became an obsession. then this episode just may not be your first step. And your first step might be calling a Christian counselor. may be bringing in a pastor into the fold and It just be first saying we need help. Yeah, we had to do that for years and it was so pivotal to making us the team we are today. Getting help is a failure. It's actually fighting. We've seen so many people crash and burn and our hearts beat so much for people who love Jesus to be shining lights to the world. And I think you and I both know that when a marriage is not healthy, as we have been in the past, is very hard to be a shining light for Christ in your marriage. to it to come together. But if in a place where you are willing, we're here with you right now, Yes, if you are in a place, you truly have willing heart, where you are ready to lean in to your marriage, then we wanna give you three keys. ⁓ Yeah, and I think we both started to look for older, wiser couples that we could look up to. And we both very quickly were aligned when we met older couples, you know, married 15, 20 plus years, and they ⁓ speak negatively about each other, or like had kind of given up, that have transformed our marriage from surviving to truly playing on the same team. today we're gonna talk about how dream team marriages do these three things. ⁓ One, they like a team. Two, they strategize like a team. And three, they play like a team. And so let's just clear, I am not a sports girl. we were just like, we are not gonna be those people. We are not gonna be 15, 20, 30 years into this tolerating each other. I that's exactly why we wanted to continue to become a great team because we saw that it would help us make our marriage last. Yeah, it's like we caught a vision early on of what we didn't want our marriage to look like. However, I can relate to it because I understand I love playing board games. Well, you were teams. Yeah, but it's different, you know, so I never played teams with balls. ⁓ I feel ⁓ like there's a clear difference here between. And that is probably what kept us on the straight and narrow far as, when we saw, smoke in the marriage, we knew that there could fire around the corner. ⁓ And so we ⁓ really drastic measures pretty on. I think people avoid counseling for a number of reasons, but we were like, okay, we don't want to get to a point where we're 20 years in and we're essentially roommates or we don't know each other. ⁓ sports with balls and sports without balls. they're, ⁓ all athletic, okay? So I'm not downplaying ⁓ athleticism We're probably really off track here. But I just have to say, I am not, I was never like a basketball player. softball player, volleyball player. I was a varsity swimmer. I'm glad to it was on varsity. And so a few reasons why it's important to be a great team, like you said, Christian, like God designed marriage for unity. In the book of Genesis, this is very much an emphasis where God has given man and woman to each other as a team. marriage reflects Christ in the church, like you already said. But then I think another big reason to So very athletic, ⁓ very ⁓ I was ballerina, a skater. And you can see in all these examples, no balls involved. ⁓ No, but you were the quad goddess. I wish. So anyways, I say that to say. ⁓ be a great team in your marriage to be a dream team is because your kids, if you have children, they are watching how you play, so to speak. They're watching your marriage, how you love each other, how you treat one another, and they pick up so much. They do. More than we, I think, even realize. And even the things that are not said, kids can I hope you relate to this analogy. I love being on a team. playing games. I'm very competitive and don't want to be competitive against you ⁓ unless a board game. Well, thank you for that. I'm glad that you think that way. Yeah. ⁓ Cause first key is we need to think like a team. So yeah, we might not throw a ball at each other throughout the house. ⁓ feel that they can see it. And so I think it's so vital that we fight for our marriages because we want to show our children what a healthy, beautiful marriage looks like. And I think a healthy marriage does create safety in the home for the kids. Yeah, that's so true. And that's a big deal. It is. Yeah, so ⁓ I was listening to our Jesse and Kirsten Lancour you'd probably drop it most of the time. That's okay. Yeah, probably. But one of the biggest shifts for us was realizing that a dream team's become students of each other to the point where ultimately you do start to know what the other person will likely think ⁓ to do. So like reading each other's minds. Kind of. And this. ⁓ They host the podcast called I love their podcast. I'll actually put a link to their podcast in the show notes so that you can check it out too. And a few episodes ago, they were talking about the verse where Jesus says, I am the way, the truth and the life. That's John 14 six. And they were saying that in the Western culture specifically, we talk a lot about how Jesus It does happen in real life in a sport with a ball. So we'll give a sports analogy. All right. Can you buckle in? Yeah. Well, you lived in Green Bay, Wisconsin for the majority of your life. ⁓ understand this. That is the irony here. we want to have the kind of synergy that a football team does. And at the highest level of professional football. is the truth. So almost emphasize that Jesus is the truth and we don't too much about how Jesus is the way, meaning his way of living. And ⁓ in this particular episode they were talking about And ⁓ as I was listening, ⁓ I was also that we don't The quarterback does call a play in the huddle, but it's like often a choice play, meaning here's the formation. Here's generally what we're gonna do. We're gonna run, we're gonna pass, but the play actually has options. And what happens is everybody lines up and the quarterback and the receivers ⁓ are looking the field. They're looking to see where the defender's standing. often enough about how Jesus is the life. And when we walk in his way, we What does it look like they're going to do? And those guys in their head, they have two, three, four options of what that play is going to be. based on where the defense is standing and doing is how they're going to respond. So everybody has to read that play and the defense the same exact way so that they run. the play and actually know where each other's going to be. So they don't run into each other or the quarterbacks, you know, he might chuck the ball down the field thinking somebody is going to be downfield and they need to be there if he's going to do that. everybody has to be in the same, using the same language, looking at things the same way, seeing reality the same way and making decisions in the same way. it's really the same at home, I think for us, this has really started to come out in our communication with our parenting. We use the same language with the kids. We work really hard never to undermine each other. We have taken parenting classes together, which helps, of course, but I work really hard to not make a decision that I think you're gonna feel ⁓ against you, whether it's in some kind of discipline or. whether and how we're gonna go, even about the day, maybe you're not here and I'm gonna follow what we've agreed to, like our regular rhythms to look like. Or we're not gonna watch something that you would say, hey, we shouldn't watch that. We make these decisions together. Yeah, And I think that that kind of synergy we have has made such a strong home and such a big difference. And our kids don't go back and forth ⁓ sometimes totally natural for kids to be like, hey, I asked mom for ice cream. She said no. So I'm to turn around and ask dad for ice cream and see if he'll say yes. Cause he, ⁓ I more likely to say yes to something like that. But if I heard you say no, or I even had an inkling you're going to say no, they better not ask me that same exact question that they just asked you. yeah, I think one thing that we have done really well ⁓ is we have studied each other ⁓ really well as people. And what helps in marriage when you really continue to a student of your spouse is that we have learned how to really help each other meet each other's vision when it comes to parenting. ⁓ And I think that because we have, learned to study one another, begin to ⁓ almost think you think. Like you respond to the kids ⁓ like, okay, I mom wouldn't said yes to this. but you know that because you know me. Yeah. And I'm going to do my very best to honor you. Yeah. And I think you in the same way are looking to me. And shared that with our kids over and over and over again. And if we mess up, we assume positive intent. ⁓ we don't that the other was trying to undermine the other. We've studied each other to know what is our heart at the end of the day. And we can still say, okay, yeah, you did what I didn't think you would do or what I would have wanted, but I know that was not your heart. I feel like this could be a really good sign if someone is thinking, well, I don't know if I need counseling or not. I feel like a good sign could be if you are constantly assuming that your spouse is hurting you. For example, your spouse is doing things ⁓ like, forgetting to run the dishwasher think they're smaller but end up being the bigger thing. ⁓ You know, not taking the trash or showing up ⁓ late after work or whatever the is. And if your first thoughts ⁓ go well, he's just doing that hurt me she's just doing that because she, not responsible or you're thinking like these negative thoughts about your spouse, that is not the abundant life ⁓ marriage has to offer. Yeah. Because who wants to live with someone that doesn't believe in them, that doesn't trust their character, who doesn't trust their heart? And if you are assuming the worst about your spouse ⁓ all time, it could mean that there's some pretty serious problems there in the marriage that you need to get some outside help for. No, those are great thoughts. Thankfully, most of the time, I'm just an idiot. It's okay. And I do try to still assume positive intent. But I do think that's important. You know, to be a team, you have to believe in your team. You have to be for your team. and you have to think positively about the other person. so ⁓ if you're going make up a story about your spouse, just make it a good one. Your spouse shows up late after work and it's not his ⁓ usual MO. know, let's say he's mostly on time. He's late for dinner night. Maybe instead of thinking to ⁓ he... ⁓ is so irresponsible or he doesn't care about me or whatever the case, whatever story you are making up in your mind or terrible story you're making up, think about, well, maybe there was traffic. Maybe he was stopping to get me flowers. Just But anyways, I just love that. I've heard that once before. If you're going to make up a story, make it a good one. That's great. I really, really like that. And You know, how can we think like a team? It can be simple. And I for both people in the marriage, it's really looking at each other and saying, how can I serve you today? And ⁓ if that's your from here, that's, that's it. That's your practical step is how can I serve you today? Or if you like the love languages, how can I show love to my partner today? And important is that? not thinking about what you're gonna get or what you want or how you're gonna get what you want of a situation, but instead how can you serve the other person? And when you begin to think those thoughts and you begin to think in that ⁓ it really sets you up now to work as team to start strategizing, which is really our second point today. That's good. That's so beautiful. And I love That's such a practical step that that we can take. And that's such a good reminder for me is that we can get caught up in like the daily, but oftentimes marriage really does come down to the little things that we can do to serve one another every day instead of like thinking well, he's against me or he's trying to hurt me thinking what's something I can do to serve my spouse? And so that is the encouragement, that is the pondering that we want to offer you today. ⁓ We ⁓ hope and pray that this episode was an encouragement to you. We walked the journey of marriage and we know that it gets really hard. ⁓ And we just want to encourage you to seek the Lord. seek help if you need it. And ultimately we want you to be able to draw closer to your spouse because we know that when you and your spouse are healthy, when you go deeper as a couple, ⁓ truly will ⁓ Christ's love to the world even even more. And so we just ask that if this episode encouraged you today, ⁓ or if you know of a couple that it would bless, would you just forward this on? it would so much to us. If you would ⁓ leave us a five-star rating, ⁓ a review ⁓ on Apple podcasts, ⁓ even comment on Spotify. We reading the ⁓ and they do help us think about some ways that we can answer your questions in future episodes. ⁓ gonna end us in prayer and ⁓ just pray that the Lord would bless your marriage. Absolutely, let's pray. Father God, we thank you that you're not only the truth, but you are the way and the life. We thank you for that abundant life you promise, and that it isn't just for eternity, but it's for today, for our homes, for our marriages, for our families right now. Lord, for the couple listening who feel hopeful and ready to grow, would you strengthen them? Give them humility to serve each other. Give them wisdom and help them to align their rhythms and their vision and have the courage to fight for unity. God, I pray for those who are weary, who feel distant and discouraged. God, would you breathe fresh hope into their hearts, soften what is hard, restore what's broken. and guide them to the help and support they need. Holy Spirit be the head coach of our family. Teach us to love like Christ loves, sacrificially, patiently, and joyfully. And we surrender our marriages to you again today. Build them into something that reflects your glory in your life. In Jesus' name, amen. Amen.