Latest / What Tha Group Chat Say / Keya Back On The Hot Seat

Transcript

Keya Back On The Hot Seat · What Tha Group Chat Say

• 0:00
  Vonnie: Welcome to What the Group Chat Say, the podcast where the group chat finally got a mic.
• 0:05
  We're three friends in our 40s talking about life, friendships, relationships, and everything we didn't see coming in this decade.
• 0:11
  I'm Vonnie here with Keya and Drea.
• 0:15
  Now let's rewind it back to episode two where we discuss Keya on the hot seat talking about her divorces.
• 0:24
  Now episode two we focused on the first divorce mainly and briefly touched upon the second one.
• 0:30
  So now we'll go further into the second and all the other lessons that Keya learned
• 0:35
  Drea: Yeah, let's, um, let's talk about divorce.
• 0:38
  Vonnie: Well, let's back up.
• 0:41
  Let's back up to who I call B.
• 0:45
  Drea: Oh,
• 0:45
  Vonnie: Let's talk.
• 0:47
  Keya: Oh
• 0:49
  Vonnie: Divorce number one.
• 0:51
  Drea: But it just, it threw me off 'cause I haven't heard it verbally, you know
• 0:55
  usually in a text.
• 0:57
  So it just kind of threw me off.
• 0:59
  It threw me off.
• 1:00
  Keya: Voldemort baby.
• 1:02
  Ah, what do we, what do we wanna know about Voldemort?
• 1:07
  Vonnie: So we talked about, you know, he married young,
• 1:13
  Keya: Yes,
• 1:14
  Vonnie: I think young, right?
• 1:15
  I think now that we're older, anything under
• 1:17
  Keya: girl.
• 1:17
  I
• 1:17
  Vonnie: anything under thirties Marrying young.
• 1:20
  Keya: 22 or 24.
• 1:22
  Yeah.
• 1:22
  That was young.
• 1:23
  Hell yeah.
• 1:24
  So it was, I honestly, I would've kept going and going with it until started messing with my mental, like he was just
• 1:38
  Drea: Oh.
• 1:40
  Keya: dumb shit.
• 1:42
  Like to fuck with me personally, just with everything that I had been through growing up.
• 1:47
  Like he would do shit to fuck with my traumas, you know, and
• 1:52
  Drea: remember you saying that years ago.
• 1:56
  Keya: right.
• 1:57
  Drea: before you decided.
• 1:58
  I, I remember that.
• 2:00
  Keya: And so it was like, okay, what the hell?
• 2:05
  Like, grow up, stop doing this.
• 2:08
  So then from there
• 2:09
  Vonnie: Yeah.
• 2:10
  Keya: from, okay, you're not gonna stop.
• 2:13
  Then I, we both just started cheating.
• 2:17
  Like, it's like, okay, then fuck it.
• 2:20
  Like, cool.
• 2:21
  I
• 2:22
  Drea: wait a minute.
• 2:22
  You cheated.
• 2:23
  Hold on.
• 2:23
  You cheated.
• 2:24
  Keya: girl,
• 2:25
  Vonnie: that.
• 2:25
  I didn't know that.
• 2:26
  Drea: I think I do, but I think I probably didn't.
• 2:29
  I probably just,
• 2:31
  Keya: yeah.
• 2:31
  Drea: kept, I, you know, I used to go out all the time, so yeah, I minding my business.
• 2:39
  Keya: Um, but
• 2:39
  Vonnie: So, yeah, this was pretty much over.
• 2:42
  Y'all were just married?
• 2:43
  Keya: I was cheating while I was stealing the house though.
• 2:46
  So I, because
• 2:47
  Vonnie: But he had already been cheating.
• 2:49
  Keya: but he was trying to hide it.
• 2:52
  It was just me at that point, like, oh, you think I'm dumb?
• 2:55
  So now I'm not trying to hide it.
• 2:56
  we own.
• 2:57
  Because if you could do it, you know, I do it better.
• 2:59
  Right?
• 3:00
  So that's where my mindset
• 3:03
  Drea: So, so when you, when you, now, let's just say now being older and knowing that you guys had marriage, that at any point prior to this, did you guys think about going to counseling or have a conversation?
• 3:20
  Keya: you.
• 3:21
  Drea: like what you guys are feeling or going through or what's like, did you, you know, because this is about like, then of course now things may be different as we get older, but I'm just wondering like as a young marriage with children back then when mental health and counseling was not a big thing, right?
• 3:41
  Keya: Right.
• 3:42
  Drea: Did you ever think about marriage counseling or feel like there was an option to talk about this?
• 3:49
  Keya: You
• 3:49
  Drea: Before it got bad as it did.
• 3:52
  Keya: I feel like we knew about counseling, but seeking it was not like top priority, you know?
• 4:03
  Like it was just, okay, we can talk about this, or,
• 4:09
  I can, I can take it to my pastor.
• 4:11
  And back then I was in a Sunday church, but it was like, oh, we can take it.
• 4:17
  Drea: Okay, so stop there.
• 4:18
  You say take it to your pastor.
• 4:20
  Keya: Yeah.
• 4:21
  Drea: know you know, you've always had your religious beliefs, but so like that to your pastor, would that have been a questionable feeling due to the fact of judgment?
• 4:34
  Keya: I wouldn't have thought back then it would've been a questionable feeling of judgment, but I've
• 4:40
  Drea: Okay.
• 4:41
  Keya: also long held the belief that yes, you can gimme stuff scripturally to.
• 4:48
  Like work through what we need to work through, but giving us tools to equip ourselves to talk like, this is me now talking well.
• 4:59
  Back then I still felt like you can't gimme the tools that I need to actually put this into play.
• 5:07
  So I've always been the one that been like, okay, yeah, we could go talk to the pastor, but we still need a counselor.
• 5:14
  But back then it was just in my young, young mind, it was probably just, we can talk through this, or we'll work through this.
• 5:23
  It is just the fight and
• 5:28
  Drea: I like that you said that.
• 5:29
  Um, only because I know it's kind of off topic, but it's not 'cause I just feel like this could help other people 'cause this sh this is how we really talk.
• 5:36
  Right.
• 5:36
  Keya: Yep.
• 5:38
  Drea: I'm going to have to say that.
• 5:40
  It makes me happy to hear you say that because I know your belief system how, how your, your, your belief in God and the Bible and how it goes, that, um.
• 5:51
  It really takes a, a core on your decision making.
• 5:55
  And that will come up more in your, when we talk about your next divorce.
• 5:58
  But I say this to say that, I'm gonna say that some of the most challenging people that I have worked with, um, when, whether it's in a group session, a counseling session, on their goals or their triggers or helping them make changes or seeing issues going on in their life, oftentimes my people of, um.
• 6:21
  Religious beliefs and some of them truly, some of them truly feel that they can talk to their pastor.
• 6:28
  Not a lot.
• 6:29
  I mean, there is some pastors out there with counseling degrees, psychology, social work.
• 6:34
  but like you said, a lot of the stuff is based on.
• 6:38
  Bible scriptures.
• 6:39
  So, um, so that, I just wanted to throw it out out there because sometimes, like you said, you need the tools.
• 6:44
  Like you need to be able to work through some stuff and not just base it on, you know, you Yeah.
• 6:49
  Like you said, the tools,
• 6:51
  Keya: Yeah.
• 6:51
  And that's, and
• 6:52
  Drea: so.
• 6:53
  Keya: thing that I've always long, long held um, something that I knew, but back then, like, I guess just counted as being young and dumb of not chasing it.
• 7:07
  the emotional rollercoaster that soon followed after, like it was for real, for real divorced.
• 7:16
  And seeing my boys walk through the divorce is like, damn, I should have figured that out.
• 7:23
  But hindsight is 2020, you know what I'm saying?
• 7:27
  And
• 7:27
  Drea: Yeah.
• 7:28
  Keya: it is like, ooh.
• 7:30
  Um, but you know, it it, it worked out the way it was supposed to work out is what I
• 7:36
  Drea: Oh absolutely.
• 7:38
  Keya: so,
• 7:39
  Drea: Absolutely.
• 7:41
  And when, and so I would suppose that when you knew it was done, it was just because you had no more fight in you and the whole caring of what was going on in life with that particular person was just obsolete,
• 7:52
  Keya: Yes.
• 7:52
  Drea: you say?
• 7:53
  Vonnie: Right.
• 7:54
  yeah.
• 7:54
  Keya: Oh
• 7:54
  Vonnie: So
• 7:57
  now we fast forward.
• 7:58
  So how is now dating post that?
• 8:00
  Because that just sounds like a very.
• 8:03
  Trauma, feel the relationship, especially towards the end.
• 8:08
  And now you had young kids, so how are you navigating that?
• 8:12
  Because I'm sure just knowing you, you weren't like introducing them to every Tom, Dick and Harry.
• 8:19
  Keya: And that was the thing.
• 8:21
  That's why I didn't really date after that.
• 8:25
  Like I met some people, I had my little
• 8:29
  Vonnie: Mm-hmm.
• 8:30
  Keya: on POF, I met one motherfucker left that shit alone.
• 8:36
  Um, and then I met somebody out here in Santa Tan.
• 8:40
  But again, like you said, my kids never seen them, never met them.
• 8:45
  I went back into the people I already knew.
• 8:49
  So I ended up just back with.
• 8:55
  The person I was messing with.
• 8:57
  And that, that's how it was like I did it.
• 9:00
  'cause I did have young kids and I not introduce them new people.
• 9:06
  Like, it just, it just wasn't in me.
• 9:08
  You know?
• 9:09
  I'm mamas like, you can't have all these men around your kids.
• 9:11
  So I, nah, I didn't, I ended up with the person that I married for my second marriage.
• 9:22
  Vonnie: And now, how long was that in between when you got divorced and then you met your former husband?
• 9:27
  Keya: Um, I knew my former husband the whole time, so
• 9:33
  Vonnie: Yeah.
• 9:37
  Keya: But the time,
• 9:38
  Vonnie: knew him in that way, but, or you guys just kind of like ran around the same circles or?
• 9:44
  Keya: we didn't run around in same circles at all.
• 9:46
  Like, I met him at the club.
• 9:51
  Like a couple of weeks before I was supposed to marry Voldemort
• 9:57
  Vonnie: Okay.
• 9:58
  Keya: and yeah.
• 10:01
  Mm, that kicked off.
• 10:03
  And then left each other alone for a long while.
• 10:08
  'cause he got married, um, I was getting married and then he got divorced.
• 10:17
  still married, so we still didn't really see each other.
• 10:21
  But then we started seeing each other at like, the time me and Voldemort was, eh.
• 10:27
  So yeah, we started cheating.
• 10:30
  I will say I started cheating because he was divorced.
• 10:35
  wasn't yet, so, yeah.
• 10:46
  Vonnie: Right.
• 10:47
  So then what made this one different, right?
• 10:51
  Because with your sensitivity about having men around your kids where you were like, okay.
• 10:58
  I see this is something different or special.
• 11:02
  Was it when, um, you got into your new religion or how did that kind of play in with you?
• 11:09
  Keya: So, all have long held that,
• 11:14
  the second husband was I fell in love with at like first sight.
• 11:21
  They, I don't know how it happened.
• 11:23
  Maybe it was the fact that we were both from Chicago that I, I don't know what it was, but I love that man since like first meeting him and it was crazy.
• 11:36
  So I've always said that he was my soulmate.
• 11:41
  um, then it was, I don't, we hung out at Kiwana, like we had a. Part where we brought both our children to the park it was just kind of like, okay, let's see this.
• 12:00
  Like, and it, it just clicked.
• 12:04
  And so he was so amazing with the kids then, like, so amazing.
• 12:09
  So it was like, okay, this was good.
• 12:13
  And how I made that jump, um, to say that, okay, he can meet the kids.
• 12:20
  I don't even remember when, I think it was probably on one of these moons of like, okay, well I'm doing this for real with you.
• 12:32
  Um, it's about time you meet the kids.
• 12:35
  I mean, of course years have elapsed, but it into, okay, we can meet each other's children.
• 12:46
  Um.
• 12:47
  And we kinda went from there and then we broke up.
• 12:53
  Hilarious.
• 12:54
  We broke up.
• 12:55
  Didn't talk for like
• 12:59
  five or six years.
• 13:01
  How long was Drea?
• 13:02
  Yeah, I think it was about like, it were five to six years.
• 13:04
  We just broke up, like didn't talk.
• 13:08
  Um, but he would still see the kids.
• 13:12
  So the kids would still go spend that at his house.
• 13:14
  His kids would still come to my house, but we just would not talk.
• 13:19
  And then
• 13:21
  six years later we started talking.
• 13:26
  We went to counseling and this is where the counseling came in.
• 13:29
  Like we went to counseling because there was so much stuff that went on like while we were together.
• 13:37
  Like in hindsight, looking back now, him and I should have never gotten married, even with.
• 13:46
  The counseling and stepping into the word 'cause him and I were so fucking toxic, like, it was just, oh my God, I love you so much that I hate you.
• 14:03
  Vonnie: Right.
• 14:04
  Keya: we thought counseling would, you know what I'm saying?
• 14:07
  Like, okay, we're good.
• 14:08
  Like the kids went through the counseling with us.
• 14:11
  We asked the kids for permission, like, if we get back together, we're gonna be better, this and that, and da da da da da.
• 14:19
  And we were good.
• 14:21
  then we stepped into the word together and it was like, okay, cool.
• 14:27
  It is good.
• 14:27
  But hindsight, looking back, I flip my, I always flip my thought from this is who we were.
• 14:38
  We're not that anymore.
• 14:40
  Like, especially in the realms of like, oh, we cheated and we did this, we did that.
• 14:46
  Um, I flipped that switch, like, okay, that's not us anymore.
• 14:51
  He never flipped that switch.
• 14:53
  So for me, I never thought about it, you know, like, okay, 'cause that's not who we are.
• 15:00
  Drea: Before, this is before marriage, right?
• 15:03
  Keya: um, yes,
• 15:04
  Drea: Before Mary,
• 15:05
  Keya: so before marriage, it like, you know, even when we were going to counseling, it was just like, uh,
• 15:11
  Drea: I I, who found, who found the um, who found the religious of Cho religion of choice at this moment?
• 15:21
  Keya: uh, we both did, like, so before we broke up, um, we were sitting down like his friend was like, yo, like y'all ever just read the Bible, like, and then listen to what
• 15:35
  Drea: Oh, you know what?
• 15:37
  I remember kind of that, because I remember when that started.
• 15:41
  We, uh, went to that person's place in Tempe
• 15:45
  Keya: Yep.
• 15:45
  Drea: he was talking about
• 15:48
  Keya: Yeah.
• 15:48
  Drea: and I was.
• 15:49
  And I was like, we just like came from the club.
• 15:51
  We're going to the club.
• 15:52
  Like, come on now.
• 15:54
  Keya: And so that's what it was.
• 15:55
  And so like we continued marching down that path, like back then, but it was like, oh, okay.
• 16:02
  Like, oh damn, that's, you know, like, oh, damn, the Bible say that.
• 16:07
  Like, I've been in church my whole life and never read that.
• 16:10
  Then.
• 16:11
  So like, you know, we've been, we started that back then and like we were slowly just walking into it and then broke up, but we both kept it, you know what I'm saying?
• 16:23
  Like, we both unbeknownst to each other was still marching that path and just like, oh, okay.
• 16:30
  So then when we got back together, it was like, oh, damn.
• 16:35
  Okay.
• 16:36
  We've been doing this, so then we're going do it.
• 16:39
  Like there's, we need to do it.
• 16:43
  And we just went on into it like, this, this is it.
• 16:49
  This is what we doing.
• 16:53
  it, it's where it was until it wasn't.
• 17:00
  And we just was like, oh, okay.
• 17:03
  Um, his, his issues were always there, I would have to admit.
• 17:10
  But I ignored it
• 17:13
  I loved him.
• 17:15
  And at this point we had already gotten married.
• 17:19
  And you know, the Bible says.
• 17:22
  No divorce unless cheating.
• 17:24
  And I hadn't cheated.
• 17:26
  He hadn't cheated.
• 17:27
  So we had no choice but to work it out.
• 17:30
  Like I'm, I'm gonna work it out and I'm gonna work it out.
• 17:34
  Like, whatever this is, we gonna figure it out.
• 17:36
  We gotta go back to counseling, we gonna work it out.
• 17:40
  And yeah, we didn't work that shit out.
• 17:48
  Vonnie: So what do you think now?
• 17:51
  I mean there were two different reasons, kind of, I guess from his perspective, maybe the same reason,
• 17:57
  Why you got divorced according to him, although you were not unfaithful in your second marriage,
• 18:05
  Keya: No.
• 18:05
  Vonnie: although, you know, right.
• 18:08
  So what do you think ultimately you've learned about yourself?
• 18:13
  I mean, going through this twice and you know, dating and because you said here the issues that he had.
• 18:21
  That ultimately led to probably how he framed everything up that led to this divorce.
• 18:26
  Were always there and you ignored them.
• 18:28
  Keya: Yep.
• 18:29
  So,
• 18:30
  um, what I learned, what I learned, what I learned is see the red flag, leave that bitch on the field and walk the fuck away.
• 18:43
  That's what I've learned.
• 18:45
  Um, a red flag is a red flag is a red motherfucking flag.
• 18:50
  Y'all don't think that you can change the red flag to green.
• 18:57
  Ain't gonna happen.
• 18:59
  care how much love you pour
• 19:01
  Drea: What if you're the red flag, but what if you are the red flag?
• 19:05
  What if you are the red flag?
• 19:07
  Keya: Then go
• 19:08
  Drea: Like what if.
• 19:09
  Vonnie: I mean, you can't leave yourself.
• 19:10
  They, they have to, they have to leave you.
• 19:13
  Keya: Have to leave you.
• 19:15
  Drea: That's what I'm saying.
• 19:16
  Like what if you, you know what I mean?
• 19:18
  Like what if you, you are the one giving off the red flag and they just need to give you a little minute.
• 19:24
  Keya: Okay, but what's the little
• 19:26
  Vonnie: They don't need to give you a minute.
• 19:26
  They need to leave you alone until you're ready.
• 19:28
  Keya: right?
• 19:29
  Drea: Um, four years of George, four years of George.
• 19:34
  Keya: But I tried to tell George to go I, because
• 19:39
  Drea: Um, we discuss, not gonna talk about this today, me and I had this conversation a few times and remember, my belief
• 19:51
  words and actions much match.
• 19:54
  Just because we say one thing, if our actions show different, it causes confusion within ourselves.
• 20:00
  'cause we're uncertain, which then causes confusion on the other person.
• 20:05
  So with that, won't talk about that situation I don't think today.
• 20:12
  But,
• 20:14
  Keya: hot seat.
• 20:15
  Hot seat.
• 20:17
  Drea: but you know, I, I feel that.
• 20:20
  I don't know.
• 20:21
  As your friend and watching going through this, you've, you've grown a lot as we all have, just because of life within itself, right?
• 20:30
  So yeah.
• 20:34
  It's gonna get interesting.
• 20:35
  Guys, what do you think
• 20:39
  Vonnie: Mean for sure.
• 20:40
  I mean, your life is interesting in the real group chat.
• 20:44
  Drea: my
• 20:45
  Vonnie: might have to
• 20:45
  Drea: life
• 20:46
  Vonnie: bring some stuff out.
• 20:48
  Drea: Man, the single life is not for the weak guys situation.
• 20:54
  Ships are not for the weak guys.
• 20:56
  Not at all.
• 21:01
  Vonnie: I can't even imagine.
• 21:02
  So,
• 21:02
  Drea: some of the biggest differences between me and you guys is you guys actually jumped in, you know what I'm saying?
• 21:10
  And said, fuck it, I'm gonna try.
• 21:13
  Or I'm always like, Hmm.
• 21:15
  Not sure.
• 21:16
  Not sure.
• 21:18
  Not sure if I trust my own judgment yet, you know, to contain,
• 21:22
  Vonnie: yeah.
• 21:22
  Keya: to continue,
• 21:24
  Drea: if I, because I think that at the age Keya was rolling up on her like that, I think that I would've been imprisoned.
• 21:38
  Keya: listen.
• 21:41
  Vonnie: We know.
• 21:41
  We know you would've been in prison.
• 21:43
  Drea: so, and, and, you know, and so that's, you know, just to kind of put out there, that's, one of the reasons why I haven't tried to live with anyone or be married or because yeah, if I act right in
• 21:59
  Vonnie: You still think at this age you would act like that, and you were faced with that same situation as she was still today.
• 22:06
  Drea: um.
• 22:08
  I, Hmm.
• 22:10
  know, I have this conversation with quite often, right?
• 22:15
  And I say quite
• 22:16
  Vonnie: Yeah.
• 22:17
  Drea: because I've had to evaluate myself.
• 22:20
  Vonnie: Yeah.
• 22:21
  Drea: say, oh, why do you live by yourself?
• 22:23
  Why are you single?
• 22:24
  And we'll get into that like in another segment.
• 22:27
  I've been
• 22:27
  Vonnie: Right.
• 22:28
  Drea: violence and I have been arrested twice.
• 22:32
  From domestic violence and yes, was I young?
• 22:35
  Absolutely.
• 22:37
  Um, but the second time made me realize that I'm real life.
• 22:45
  Can snap, you know what I'm saying?
• 22:47
  And
• 22:47
  Vonnie: Hmm.
• 22:48
  Drea: although I work through that often all the time, just with, sometimes I just wanna cuss people out on a daily, not because I'm not a nice person, it's just that sometimes people say some shit where I just be like, oh, you know, um, I'm way better at that.
• 23:01
  I've been through so much counseling.
• 23:03
  I tea teach anger management and how to control your, your emotions and your triggers.
• 23:09
  So I do try to avoid that, I can't say.
• 23:13
  Wholeheartedly if I was to live with a man or decide to marry him, especially at the age that I am, that if he did me like that, when he could have just left me how we were.
• 23:27
  don't know if I have full confidence in myself that I may not pull.
• 23:33
  A zap or something.
• 23:35
  Do you know what I'm saying?
• 23:36
  I, I don't, I can't promise you, I may not at least taser him.
• 23:40
  hope that I wouldn't.
• 23:41
  'cause in the, in the past,
• 23:43
  Keya: Not
• 23:43
  Drea: over the, well, I mean, you know, I don't wanna incriminate myself.
• 23:48
  They would trust me to have a gun, but, you know, um, yeah, I can, 'cause I live alone right now.
• 23:54
  But, um.
• 23:56
  What I'm saying is, is that
• 24:00
  I'm just such that cool person where I just leave me where I'm at.
• 24:04
  If our relationship is dysfunctional and we're don't live together and we're not married, it's dysfunctional, it's dysfunctional that I can deal with because that is what I can control.
• 24:18
  Is I'm only gonna be so invested, if I wholeheartedly invest and I trust and I walk into something, don't do well being emotionally hurt.
• 24:30
  You know what I'm saying?
• 24:31
  And I think the only reason I would not possibly flip is for the simple fact that I've had domestic violence.
• 24:40
  I know where I'm going, so I might end up doing the opposite, which is a complete shutdown.
• 24:45
  Like complete shutdown, which, which is probably safer for me and everybody else, right?
• 24:51
  Um, I have experienced that after dealing with domestic violence where I just completely shut down because I don't want to or, or interact, right?
• 25:01
  But that's in a, a controllable emotion.
• 25:04
  I don't know that at the age that I'm at, I've waited this long if someone says, let's live together or let's get married, and I say, yes.
• 25:14
  I find out they cheating.
• 25:15
  I, I don't know.
• 25:17
  I, I can't honestly say I, I, like I said, I, may sound crazy guys, but I'm very honest and, you know, I'm trained in this.
• 25:24
  I'm, I have to
• 25:26
  Vonnie: You know, if you can maintain control.
• 25:28
  Drea: yes, I would hope that I can, I would hope that I
• 25:31
  Vonnie: Yeah.
• 25:32
  Drea: but I feel that that ultimate.
• 25:34
  Heartbreak.
• 25:36
  I
• 25:36
  Vonnie: Mm-hmm.
• 25:37
  Drea: to feel that, which is why I, I, I control my own heartbreaks.
• 25:41
  It may not seem like it to everybody, but I really do.
• 25:44
  I always know where something's going based off of my actions and theirs, whether I choose to stay in it or not or deal with it.
• 25:51
  know what I can tolerate and deal with, and I know that that is.
• 25:55
  Like, I often choose the ones that I know it's never gonna go too much further than what I need to be because I get scared.
• 26:01
  Right.
• 26:02
  that's just an honest thing.
• 26:03
  And so I, I don't know.
• 26:06
  I, I really don't, I would hope that I wouldn't, but I also would hope that I have to even think or feel that that would even happen just because of how old I am, you know?
• 26:17
  Vonnie: Yeah.
• 26:17
  Drea: You know what I'm saying?
• 26:18
  So I just,
• 26:19
  Vonnie: Yeah.
• 26:20
  Drea: make it very clear when I talk to someone, I date them like.
• 26:23
  Listen, I'm cool as hell, I'm cool as fuck.
• 26:29
  if you make the boundaries like this, you lay the rules like this and then if you wanna cross it to this, know what I'm saying?
• 26:35
  Just know that there, like we, we have to, we, you have to understand, like you have to understand, you know, like there, we have to be able to have that conversation or, Yeah.
• 26:47
  But you know, I'm late in the game though.
• 26:48
  I'm really, when it comes to even wanting to like marry.
• 26:52
  I know where all that comes, know what I'm saying?
• 26:55
  So, that was not my life.
• 26:57
  That was not, I wasn't a little girl who was like, oh, I can't wait to get married.
• 27:03
  I want a family.
• 27:04
  That was never dream or life until, you know, I started getting older.
• 27:11
  even then, sometimes just the other day, someone asked me, well, would you really wanna get married?
• 27:17
  I was joking around.
• 27:17
  I was like, well, you know, maybe next year I have a husband, I'll pay half of my bills.
• 27:20
  And they're like, well, do you really wanna get married?
• 27:22
  And part of me wanted to say, yeah, what did we want to?
• 27:27
  But the other part of me was like, oh, I don't, you know, I, I don't know.
• 27:31
  I don't know.
• 27:32
  You know, so I'm, I'm still kind of, you know, I'm, I'm special.
• 27:40
  Vonnie: So
• 27:40
  Keya: wanna,
• 27:41
  Vonnie: Like what are you looking for?
• 27:42
  Like a good person?
• 27:43
  Are you looking to get married again?
• 27:45
  Um.
• 27:45
  Keya: um.
• 27:47
  So here, here's where I am so pimp to put a period in the second marriage.
• 27:55
  Um,
• 27:55
  Vonnie: Yeah.
• 27:56
  Keya: I want y'all, I ain't going to even hold y'all in suspense.
• 28:00
  No, I did not cheat.
• 28:02
  I did to the man.
• 28:06
  Yeah.
• 28:07
  And what resulted after that lie baby, that man went 51 50 miles north of what actually happened, um, which actually took some whole other drama.
• 28:23
  We'll get into that.
• 28:24
  I, in one of these other episodes, but now I learned my lesson from the first one.
• 28:28
  So I did not cheat.
• 28:32
  and, uh, the marriage ended as a result of his actions, um, about the lie that I told him.
• 28:45
  Um.
• 28:46
  Drea: It's not just that.
• 28:47
  I mean, I will leave.
• 28:49
  We'll save that for another time.
• 28:50
  Keya: It'll be, it, it's going, it that will get into, we
• 28:54
  Drea: 'cause I just feel that the lie, I feel like the lie doesn't even need to be revealed on this show for now.
• 29:00
  Keya: Right, right.
• 29:01
  But
• 29:02
  Drea: feel that talk.
• 29:04
  Yeah.
• 29:04
  But when you talk more about why that ended,
• 29:07
  Keya: Yeah,
• 29:08
  Drea: it should focus more on the disconnect.
• 29:12
  The lack of emotional stance, the, you know what I'm saying?
• 29:16
  Like the reason Yeah.
• 29:18
  Because.
• 29:18
  Keya: no.
• 29:19
  Absolutely.
• 29:20
  I just wanted them to know like, oh, so she just a habitual cheater.
• 29:23
  No, no.
• 29:25
  I, I grew up, I learned my lesson at all.
• 29:29
  Even,
• 29:30
  Vonnie: No, not.
• 29:31
  Keya: not even.
• 29:32
  Um, so I just wanted the audience to know like, nah, like I ain't going around.
• 29:38
  Like, oh yeah.
• 29:38
  Like that ain't, that ain't me never been me.
• 29:41
  But that, um.
• 29:43
  I did, I just want them to know, like now I want in a cheating situation to put a period at the end of that.
• 29:51
  Um, 'cause I can show for c that person hearing this and be like, listen.
• 29:59
  So do I wanna get married again?
• 30:03
  Yes, Why?
• 30:05
  Because y'all know the Bible say sex is for married people and y'all know y'all girl been over here sex free for four years.
• 30:13
  So I do wanna get married,
• 30:15
  Drea: Let's take religion out of it.
• 30:17
  Let's take religion out of it.
• 30:19
  you didn't have your faith, would you wanna get married again?
• 30:22
  Okay.
• 30:23
  Keya: I still wanna get married again.
• 30:25
  Absolutely.
• 30:26
  Like I do want to have that one person I could just come home to.
• 30:33
  And then when I get fat and ugly and all that
• 30:37
  Drea: Does that have to be encouraged?
• 30:40
  Keya: that,
• 30:40
  Drea: for your religious, for your religious beliefs, yes, but I'm saying let's, if we took that out, like guys feel that there's people who.
• 30:51
  together 20, 30, 40 years.
• 30:54
  Not cheating on each other, not married, but live together.
• 30:57
  Houses in, in the same, you know, each other's names, bank accounts, life insurance, like do you feel that people often get married because of society?
• 31:07
  What society says or thinks, or religious beliefs versus just wanting to be together without.
• 31:16
  It being like on paper, just wondering because there's
• 31:20
  Keya: I
• 31:20
  Drea: out there.
• 31:21
  Keya: a lot of people
• 31:22
  Vonnie: there,
• 31:24
  Keya: get married.
• 31:25
  Vonnie: think there's some of that, but.
• 31:27
  Keya: I believe like there's people that do do that, but I think now most of us have grown up to the past the point of I don't need to do what society tells me to do.
• 31:39
  Like I would, I feel like most of us are there.
• 31:42
  'cause for me, all of this can be in our names.
• 31:47
  You know what I'm saying?
• 31:48
  Like we can cohabitate whatever, like, like you said, like if they're buying houses together and doing this.
• 31:54
  But at the end of the day, for me, it's that piece of paper that everybody's like, oh, it's only a piece of paper.
• 32:02
  But it's that piece of paper that says, you can't make this decision of me and this man like me and this man have done this.
• 32:12
  I'm his wife, I'm his next can.
• 32:14
  I'm this.
• 32:14
  So.
• 32:15
  Drea: But paperwork can take that away from you as a wife.
• 32:19
  It doesn't matter if you're married.
• 32:21
  I if you're married, they can still delegate a financial power of attorney for them if they cannot talk.
• 32:27
  And it does not have to be a wife.
• 32:29
  They can delegate who makes their medical decisions, and it doesn't have to be a wife once it's legally on a form that supersedes
• 32:38
  Vonnie: Yeah, but that would be separate thing.
• 32:40
  I mean, but default it is
• 32:41
  Keya: default it is.
• 32:43
  Right.
• 32:43
  He would have to.
• 32:45
  Drea: get
• 32:46
  Vonnie: not
• 32:46
  Drea: I get
• 32:47
  Vonnie: married.
• 32:48
  Yeah, not married.
• 32:49
  And now default, it's his parents and they can shut you out.
• 32:53
  Keya: Right.
• 32:54
  And that's the thing, like by default it is like if something was to happen and I'm not, you know what I'm saying?
• 33:01
  'cause I've seen it.
• 33:03
  Somebody with somebody for.
• 33:05
  Drea: I'm just, I'm just trying to I see it all the time, so you're right.
• 33:10
  Keya: Yeah.
• 33:10
  So it's like, and for that, hell no, I'm your misses.
• 33:15
  We gonna get this together.
• 33:16
  Now if you decide outside of this or that and you making decisions outside of me, then that's a whole nother issue that we now have to discuss because what are you talking about?
• 33:27
  Like, I would think that we we're together and I would make the best decision that I feel you would want to be made and vice versa.
• 33:38
  You know what I'm saying?
• 33:38
  So like I don't feel like, nah, that, that outside, like that outsider, we just cohabitating wouldn't work for me because nah, nah, nah.
• 33:52
  I bet you better not, not near nobody coming here and talking about
• 33:59
  Vonnie: I feel though that you've always been like a relationship person though.
• 34:02
  Anyway.
• 34:04
  I feel like you liked Yeah.
• 34:06
  You like being in a, in a relationship, not anything ambiguous.
• 34:11
  Like you usually aren't afraid of commitment or anything like that
• 34:15
  Keya: not at all.
• 34:17
  So, yeah.
• 34:20
  Drea: You go,
• 34:20
  Vonnie: on the other end of that spectrum.
• 34:22
  Drea: you're, you're, admire people like her who, um, have gotten divorced, but yet still open to love and not close it off.
• 34:32
  So I, I admire that.
• 34:34
  I admire anyone like that.
• 34:35
  I'm like that just so people know.
• 34:37
  I'm like that.
• 34:38
  Low key, hopeless, romantic, and cheer on all relationships.
• 34:41
  But I'm like, good with what I'm doing right now, if that makes sense.
• 34:46
  But I definitely am a cheerleader for it because I, I respect it.
• 34:52
  Vonnie: yeah.
• 34:52
  No, I know a lot of divorced people who are like never a kid, right?
• 34:55
  There's like one and done or two and done.
• 34:57
  But Keya has always been like an optimistically.
• 35:01
  I wanna be in a serious relationship type person to make, even when we were kids.
• 35:05
  Drea: of, I meet a lot of people.
• 35:07
  Second, I meet a lot of people on their second and third marriages that have lasted longer than the first,
• 35:13
  Keya: yes.
• 35:14
  Drea: you know, don't have
• 35:14
  Vonnie: Yeah.
• 35:15
  Drea: Um, but you know, I've also been a really strong believer that I never wanted to be with someone because we had kids.
• 35:25
  Like, you know what I mean?
• 35:26
  Like
• 35:27
  Vonnie: Mm-hmm.
• 35:27
  Drea: who start off without children and love each other and enjoy each other.
• 35:33
  Then they have children and then their children go off again.
• 35:35
  You know?
• 35:35
  'cause they go away.
• 35:37
  I see a lot of those people very successful I think because they had their fun together, right?
• 35:43
  Then they have their fun as family and then they have their fun without their kids.
• 35:46
  Again, I'm not saying that it makes a difference, but you kind of know if someone truly loves you and only you, if there's nothing else.
• 35:53
  obligates them to, if that makes sense.
• 35:56
  Keya: Absolutely.
• 35:56
  Vonnie: Yeah.
• 35:57
  Keya: Yep, that definitely makes sense That, uh.
• 36:03
  a a good point too 'cause like, you know, you have to evaluate people and see people, you know what I'm saying?
• 36:13
  Or have see them in all different aspects and different lights.
• 36:17
  So Yeah.
• 36:17
  Without kids and you get to know that, oh, okay, it's just me and this person.
• 36:25
  So do you love me for me?
• 36:27
  And not because we got people with both our DNA running through them.
• 36:36
  Drea: Now we now I have seen a lot of successful relationships where they had kids first and stood together 20 years later.
• 36:43
  And I'm sure that they had, you know, their battles.
• 36:46
  'cause all relationships actually just take a lot of work.
• 36:50
  Communication, trust,
• 36:52
  Keya: absolutely.
• 36:53
  Drea: know what I'm saying?
• 36:53
  Loyalty.
• 36:54
  Keya: Yeah.
• 36:55
  Drea: But it definitely takes lot of work.
• 36:58
  It, I don't know.
• 37:00
  I've talked to people like, oh, it's eating.
• 37:01
  I'm Uhuh.
• 37:02
  have the pleasure of talking to people who been married 70 years, 60 years, 50 years, you know?
• 37:09
  a lot of them is like, sometimes you just wanna beat they ass.
• 37:13
  Sometimes you wanna cuss them out, but you learn to, you learn to go the other direction, or you learn to wait or you know, easy or you give each other space or you know, we ain't talked in a few weeks.
• 37:25
  Stuff like that.
• 37:26
  Like to me, it reminds me of like that sibling relationship.
• 37:31
  It's like no matter what you guys go through, you know that your brother or sister and you love them to death, and sometimes you just need not to talk for a few days.
• 37:40
  You know what I'm saying?
• 37:41
  Keya: leave
• 37:45
  and that's it.
• 37:46
  Drea: Right, but
• 37:46
  Vonnie: I've.
• 37:47
  Drea: can't run away.
• 37:48
  You know, you can't just run away.
• 37:50
  Well, I mean, nowadays you can, but I'm just saying like, I'm giving an example, like, you know,
• 37:54
  Vonnie: Yeah.
• 37:55
  Drea: can't just run away.
• 37:57
  Keya: Like that, that definitely, you definitely cannot,
• 38:00
  Vonnie: Yeah, I mean, it's definitely work.
• 38:02
  It's definitely patience.
• 38:03
  I feel like, though, at least for me.
• 38:07
  I think it's also more of learning about yourself over and over again, the longer you're married, because you can't, you finally learn, I mean, you can't change another person, so you have to draw your own boundaries and things like that of what you will and won't put up with, and how that kind of manifests itself with somebody that you've committed to spending the rest of your life with.
• 38:33
  So that's different.
• 38:35
  And that was a lot of, you know, some lessons that my husband and I have learned and worked through, but.
• 38:40
  We can get to the marriage topic.
• 38:42
  I just think the single, it's, you know, we're just all mundane.
• 38:45
  It's the same thing every day.
• 38:47
  So I like hearing about what you guys are going through.
• 38:51
  Keya: But that's like Bonnie, like for real though.
• 38:53
  Like, I know you like, you like hearing ours, but I. The crazy thing is, is I've always wanted, well, with Voldemort I got married to Voldemort, I could say I was one of 'em chicks that was like, I know I want kids, I didn't necessarily see it in a marriage, so I wasn't really, but then by the time
• 39:13
  Vonnie: Yeah.
• 39:14
  Keya: in it, my goal was like, oh shit, this is it.
• 39:18
  We're it, so like I look at your marriage and I'm like, fuck.
• 39:22
  That's what I was striving for, like all these years.
• 39:27
  Vonnie: Just married, no kids,
• 39:28
  Keya: Right?
• 39:29
  Listen, well, you know, I love my boys.
• 39:32
  Um, but
• 39:34
  Vonnie: course.
• 39:34
  Keya: know, it was, I just was like, damn, I couldn't even make that shit fucking work.
• 39:41
  But I want the mundane, like coming home, just like my person is there.
• 39:48
  I wanted that.
• 39:49
  So like, girl, listen, because What this shit is right now, Uhuh.
• 39:56
  I, I, yeah.
• 39:58
  I just said like, I told George literally, although I want to be in a relationship, y'all know I'm scared as fuck.
• 40:08
  And now I'm met with wanting to be in a relationship, scared to be in a relationship, but now also going back into having to consider somebody else because now I'm just,
• 40:25
  Vonnie: Yes,
• 40:26
  Drea: right there that
• 40:29
  Vonnie: that's the bar.
• 40:30
  Drea: I been, listen, I, I ain't had to be married.
• 40:33
  had a child, and every day the stress of having to get home, I mean, I know having a husband is different than a child, but like now, if I wanna stop on the way home and grab something, I can, I don't have to worry about if I pick that up right away, if it matters.
• 40:51
  You know what I'm saying?
• 40:51
  Keya: Yes.
• 40:54
  Drea: I don't have to worry about asking permission if I want to go out with my friends Like, so for, even though having someone around really nice, but like sometimes I don't wanna be responsible for myself.
• 41:11
  And culturally, you know, people are like, oh, you don't have to do that.
• 41:14
  There's a lot of men that cook.
• 41:15
  But I understand all of that.
• 41:17
  But culturally, for me, how I see my mother and how I was raised, a lot of those things that I would, I would need to have to do because I feel like that's what I would need to do in a relationship.
• 41:30
  I like just not having to do it.
• 41:32
  You know what I'm saying?
• 41:33
  Keya: And that's, I feel you, because that's exactly where I'm at.
• 41:36
  Like, I know, I know, like I get it, but seeing what my mama do to stay in her marriage, and of course I tried to model myself after that, so that's so ingrained in me.
• 41:49
  So, Ooh, girl, I get you.
• 41:50
  'cause that's where I am, like, And I don't wanna go back into that, especially now, firm on my boundaries, firm in who I am, letting that waiver just because I'm in love.
• 42:07
  then to think about inviting somebody back into, and now I still have to do a give and take.
• 42:15
  So I'm, I'm at that interesting little plane of, I want it, but fuck, I don't know.
• 42:27
  So, yeah.
• 42:29
  That's where I'm at,
• 42:32
  Drea: Can't we just live next door to each other?
• 42:34
  Like, that's how I feel.
• 42:38
  Keya: I seen the, I seen the, um, on the TikTok because I swear,
• 42:45
  Drea: But you saw my group chat.
• 42:48
  You saw, you saw the group chat.
• 42:50
  was like, can't we just.
• 42:55
  Keya: and I was reading the comments and somebody said, I seen the perfect, um, saying I want somebody forever, but will leave me alone.
• 43:06
  And that's it.
• 43:07
  I like, I want you to be my person, but leave me alone yo, I it man.
• 43:15
  Man.
• 43:16
  Listen.
• 43:17
  Yeah.
• 43:19
  Drea: I feel like that was past.
• 43:20
  I feel like that was my 15 years.
• 43:23
  It was like a mutual lead.
• 43:25
  But at time spoken, it was like, adore the company, adore the time, spend more quality time than a lot of people that live together.
• 43:35
  like, when your time is done and you just want your alone time, like, let's o let's be okay to separate, like go home.
• 43:42
  Please go home now.
• 43:44
  You know?
• 43:44
  Um, I know that sounds bad, but then I was like, well, maybe if the person lives next.
• 43:49
  Store.
• 43:50
  At least I still know what they're doing and they know what I'm doing.
• 43:52
  Right.
• 43:53
  I don't know.
• 43:54
  where I be sometimes.
• 43:56
  Keya: I definitely understand too.
• 43:58
  I, I'm, I definitely, I just told George that like, know, like do I do with that?
• 44:10
  Hey, chatties.
• 44:12
  Hey, chatties.
• 44:13
  Thank y'all for joining us on another great episode of What The Group Chat Say.
• 44:19
  Please like, subscribe, share, and comment.
• 44:24
  Follow us on all things social, and we'll see you on the next episode of What The Group Chat Say.