Latest / Success Story with Scott Clary / Lessons - Falling Out of Love Is Normal, But Leaving Isn't (Scott)

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Lessons - Falling Out of Love Is Normal, But Leaving Isn't (Scott) · Success Story with Scott Clary

• 0:00
  In this lessons episode, we're going to talk about why your relationship feels dead.
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  You look at your partner, you feel nothing. You think it means you chose wrong, but it doesn't.
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  Every long relationship cycles through falling in and out of love multiple times.
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  Now, most people leave during the out phase and never make it back to the end.
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  I'll reveal the three phases every relationship cycles through and how to choose going back in
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  and falling back into love instead of leaving when everyone else does.
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  Let's talk about why falling out of love is normal, but leaving isn't.
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  Now, just a quick note before I get into this, this is not my usual content.
• 0:41
  I don't usually write and podcast about relationships, but I've been thinking about this particular topic a lot
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  because it really affects everything else. Your relationship with your spouse,
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  your significant other, it bleeds into your work, into your focus, into your energy,
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  into your decision-making, into whether you're building or just surviving in the bad relationship drains
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  everything, a good one compounds everything.
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  And the difference between a bad and a good relationship isn't what most people think.
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  So here it is. This is why I want to talk about relationships.
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  Year three, month seven, in your relationship. You're making dinner together.
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  You realize you haven't had a real conversation in weeks, not an argument,
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  not logistics about who's picking up groceries or when rent is due, a real conversation.
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  And then you look at them across the kitchen and you feel nothing, not anger, not resentment,
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  just absence. The person you couldn't stop thinking about three years ago.
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  The one who made your chest height when they walked into a room, you got butterflies, right?
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  The one who you stayed up until three, I'm talking to because sleep felt like a waste of time
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  together. The person is standing right there and you feel like roommates. This is the moment most
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  people panic because they think falling out of love means it's over and I'm here to tell you
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  it's not. It's just the first cycle. See, what nobody tells you about long marriages? Well,
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  let's look at Johnny Cash and June Carter. They're married 35 years and if you read the stories,
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  it sounds like a perfect love story. But if you dig deeper, you find out the truth. They separated
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  multiple times. Cash's addiction nearly destroyed them. There were years where June couldn't stand
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  to be in the same room with him. Years where she questioned whether staying was destroying her.
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  But she stayed throughout all the phases and he fought his way back when the relationship wasn't
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  going so well, not once, but multiple times. And when Cash died, June said we've had a love affair
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  that has lasted through the hardest times. Not one love affair, a love affair that lasted
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  through multiple versions of itself. See, that's what long marriages actually are. Not one continuous
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  feeling. Multiple love stories with the same person. You fall in love, then life happens,
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  kid, stress, career changes, money problems, health issues, boredom. You fall out, not because
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  you chose the wrong person because that's what happens when two people live together long enough
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  to become different people than who they were when they met. So the question isn't whether you'll
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  fall out of love. You will at some point. The question is whether you'll choose to fall back in.
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  See, if you stay in a relationship long enough, you are going to cycle through three phases multiple
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  times. The first phase is love. This is the easy part. Everything about them is fascinating. Their
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  habits are endearing. Their flaws are quirks and you want them around constantly. Sex is easy.
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  Conversation is effortless. You think about them when they're not there. This phase is chemically
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  driven. Your brain is flooded with dopamine, oxytocin, all the bonding chemicals that make you
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  obsessed. It feels like magic. It's actually biology and it doesn't last and it's not because
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  the relationship is wrong. It's because brains aren't designed to maintain that level of chemical
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  intensity forever. Phase two is out of love and this is where a lot of people quit. Divorce
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  rates are very high right now. Chemicals wear off. You start seeing them clearly. The habits that
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  we're endearing are now annoying and the quirks are now flaws. They chew too loudly. They never
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  close the cabinet doors. They tell the same stories at every dinner party. They don't listen when
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  you talk about your day. Sex requires effort. Conversation feels forced. You think about them
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  when they're not there but not in a good way and you start wondering, well did I choose wrong?
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  Is this all there is? Shouldn't I feel more than this? This is the moment and this is where
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  people leave. They think falling out of love means it's over. That the right person would make
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  them feel the way they did in phase one forever. So they go find someone new and guess what happens.
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  Phase one again. Then phase two again. Then they leave again and they spend their whole life
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  chasing phase one without realizing that phase three exists. And what is phase three is when you
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  choose back in. This is the part nobody talks about because it's not romantic. It's not passion.
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  It's not chemistry. It's a decision. You decide to see them differently. Not who they were when
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  you met. Not who you wish they were. Who they actually are right now. You decide to be interested
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  in them again. To ask questions. To listen to answers. To notice the small things.
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  You decide to prioritize the relationship when you don't feel like it. To have the hard
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  conversation instead of avoiding it. To show up when it's easier not to. And something strange
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  starts to happen. The feeling comes back. It's not the exact same feeling as phase one. It's
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  deeper because it's built on a reality instead of fantasy. You fall back in love. Not because
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  they changed, but because you chose to. Now what ends most relationships is that people think
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  falling out of love means they chose wrong. People think that when those initial chemicals
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  wear off and you are no longer lusting and infatuated with that person anymore, it means they chose
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  wrong. And people believe this myth that the right person will make you feel in love with butterflies
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  forever. That good relationships don't require work. That if you are not constantly passionate
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  about this person and something's broken. So they leave during phase two. They find someone new.
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  They experience phase one again with that person and phase two hits. And they think they chose
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  wrong again. And they never make it to phase three. They never learn that the deepest connection comes
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  from choosing someone over and over. Not from the initial spark. I know a married couple. They've
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  been together 40 years. I asked them their secret. And the husband said we never fell out of love at
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  the same time. See that's it. That is the secret. You'll fall out. They'll fall out. But if you can
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  stay through each other's out phases and choose to fall back in, you get something that most people
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  never experience. Multiple love stories with the same person. Each one deeper than the last. Now
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  what does this require from you to stay together? Well, choosing back in, choosing to fall back in
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  love with a person, it's more than just staying together. It's active. It's work. This is what it
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  actually looks like. You notice when you're in the out phase instead of pretending everything's fine
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  or assuming it's over, you tell them out loud. I'm in an out phase right now. I don't feel connected.
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  This is normal and I'm choosing to work through it. And you do things you don't feel like doing.
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  You have conversations. When you'd rather scroll on your phone, you show affection. When you feel
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  distant, you plan dates. When you'd rather stay home, you remember the feeling doesn't create the
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  choice. The choice creates the feeling. And you stop waiting to feel in love before acting like
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  you're in love. You act your way back in. And I know it sounds on romantic and people want to
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  believe love is about feelings, not decisions, but the couples who last don't have better feelings.
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  They have better commitment to the choice. The feelings come and go. The choice is what stays.
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  See, understanding this changes more than your relationship. It changes how you see commitment
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  in every area of your life. You're going to fall in and out of love with your work, your business,
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  your creative projects, your goals. And most people quit during the out phase. They think
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  falling out of love with what they're building means they should start something new. But the pattern
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  is the exact same. Chase the new thing. You're going to hit phase one. You will hit the grind,
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  which is phase two. You're going to quit and you're going to repeat. And people never make it to
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  phase three in their work, their career, their goals, their spouse. They don't hit phase three in
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  anything. They never experience what happens when you choose to stay committed through the boring
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  middle and find the deeper engagement on the other side. So whether or not it's the relationship,
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  a business, a craft, the principle is the same. You will fall out of love with it, but that's not
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  a sign that you chose wrong. That's a sign that you're in phase two. So the question becomes,
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  will you quit or will you choose back in? See, long marriages aren't proof that some people
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  are just meant to be. They're proof that some people chose to stay through multiple out phases
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  and build multiple love stories with the same person. It's not more romantic. It's actually
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  harder. It's more boring and it's more repetitive, but it's also deeper, more real and more
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  sustainable. See, you don't find the perfect person than everything is easy. You find someone
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  worth choosing and then you choose them over and over through the in phases and the out phases.
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  That's what for better or worse actually means. Not that worse won't come that you'll stay
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  through worse and choose your way back to better. Most people leave during worse. They think
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  worse means over, but long marriages understand that worse is just a phase and phases change
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  if you stay long enough to let them. You'll fall out of love. It's normal. The falling out is
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  in failure. Leaving during the out phase is so my challenge to you is to choose to fall back in
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  love and see what happens.