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Sober Talk SA - Vicky from Victoria · Sober Talk SA

• 0:01
  Hello. My name is Vicky and I'm from
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  Victoria, and I'm an alcoholic. And I'd like to share my story,
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  my journey in alcoholism, I feel like I was born an alcoholic.
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  I was born to a mother who had nicotine and alcohol was her
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  main substance. And when I was in utero, that's
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  what I was fed. Most of the time I was born.
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  Very Premier just a few pounds, but I survived.
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  And grew up in a dysfunctional home.
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  I didn't know it was defunct dysfunctional.
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  I just thought it was a an ordinary home, but I had a drunk
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  mother and an angry father. And I was a street kid.
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  I didn't have that mother. That would offer me a snack when
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  I got home from school or Yeah, that loving words and things
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  like that. Mum always seem to be on the
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  bed. The, the neighborhood looked
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  after me my neighbor's some bath me and fed me and yeah, I
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  survived. I think they call it resilience.
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  I grew up with resilience. So I'm an adult child of an
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  alcoholic today. I have isms, I have control
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  issues. I want everything to be just,
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  right? And just so, so, And I also have
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  Detachment issues too. I don't know how to explain it,
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  but II don't like to be alone. I like to be in the middle of a
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  lot of people or a lot of action.
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  I love drama, I love things to be.
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  Always exciting and keep moving and lots of things.
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  Teenage years, I played a lot of sport went to work, didn't have
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  many boyfriends or anything like that.
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  That I was too busy for that. But yeah, I was married at an
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  early age and had my first child at 26.
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  But I because I didn't have that founding that love the example I
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  suppose, I kept my kids clean, I keep my house clean and they
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  were well fed, but I lacked that emotional connection with my
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  kids. So yeah, they they tell me
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  today. That that was a big tough.
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  They thank goodness, don't mother and father their
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  children. Like that.
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  I had seven children because I thought I will have lots of kids
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  and I love me and in my life will be perfect.
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  But you know if that's my dysfunctional brain it was tough
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  there for a long, long time. You know, one income looking
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  after the children and no money, not enough money.
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  But yeah, we survived, we bought a farm.
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  We would block a land and I became a farmer's wife.
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  Wife and milk cows and grew vegetables and was the Earth.
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  Mother thought I was doing okay on the outside but on the inside
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  I was dying. Yeah.
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  My children grew up and I didn't need, they didn't need me so
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  much. So I went out and got a job at
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  the age of about 40 and that bottle in money and I could
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  socialize a little bit and with that socialize And came going
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  out to dinner and having visitors over for the dinner
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  party and alcohol was introduced in the early days.
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  There was never any alcohol in the house because there was no
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  room in the fridge. It was, if it wasn't a
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  nutritionally of any value, then it wasn't in the fridge.
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  Anyways, they times changed money, circumstances changed and
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  I could afford for orders. It didn't I wouldn't say it
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  involved evolved my hat. My, I don't think it took over
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  my life straight away. It took a few years and it was
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  just mainly social, and it wasn't all the time.
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  Just occasionally about 15 years down the track at the age of 55
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  things. I don't know what happened, but
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  things just went Went to custard.
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  And then I started drinking daily.
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  And I still felt that irritable and discontent, and I needed
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  something because I didn't have the children to, to bury myself
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  into, I didn't have to work so hard in the home anymore and so,
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  I needed something to settle those nerves.
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  So settle settle that brain, the spaghetti, the Spaghetti Head,
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  you know, I call it the committee now and yeah.
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  So life got a bit tedious. The husband was working away for
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  months and months overseas. And I was home alone and yeah,
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  feeling depressed, bit lonely. And so I turned to the bottle,
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  it became a daily thing. I didn't have to hide it because
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  nobody was home to see me. It just used to be a flag and I
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  used to buy the Grog In the flagon flagon of cream, sherry
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  and it would put me to sleep at night.
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  I take it to bed with me and I'll even have a glass in on the
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  side table instead of water. And I'd wake up in the middle of
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  the night and have a drink and then down the track, it became a
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  day. You know, I'd be drinking as
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  soon as I got up in the morning. To get to work and see.
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  I don't know how I did it really.
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  I don't know how I drank so much and went to work and and did my
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  other things that I this Sport and things that I used to do.
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  I used to hang with people that drank because didn't make me
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  look so bad. Then, Um, anyway, I have a
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  child. That's got an addiction and she
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  ended up trying to commit, suicide and ended up in a rehab
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  and through that rehab. I found the meetings Book of
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  Alcoholics Anonymous and, I don't know, I just put it in my
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  bag. I picked it up for some reason
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  and I we had a family get together for a cup week and the
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  children all arrived. Oh I forgot to tell you the
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  story about leaving home. I was sick and tired of being
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  sick and tired and I left home and moved to the beach and and I
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  was there for a good 12 months and Then the children would come
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  and visit have a holiday at the beach.
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  Yeah. Anyway, this particular weekend
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  they came and they all arrive Friday, and Saturday, and it was
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  a lot of laughter and merriment and all that.
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  And anyway, I woke up Sunday night, and nobody was there.
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  Federal gone home and I couldn't work out what had happened.
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  It turned out that I drank so much that I blacked out and and
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  they didn't like it so they all left that Monday following
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  Monday? I found my first AA meeting And
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  yeah, it was Advanced Dale and I walked in there and it was a
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  room full of men and there were no other women there.
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  But you know I was desperate. I was sick and tired of being
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  sick and tired. I was so lonely.
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  And you know, it's just just felt so alone.
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  Yeah. So I went to my first meeting
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  and they said, Vicki, you've got to do 90 meetings in 90 days.
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  Wow, I lived on, you know I lived a bit isolated.
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  I had that disease of isolation which you have when you have
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  this disease of alcoholism and anyway, I did it.
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  I had an old bomb car and I'd get up in the morning and I I'd
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  find a meeting and I'd go might have to travel 100 case, but
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  they said to me, you know, you go to any lengths.
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  I went to any lengths to get a drink.
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  I'll go to any lengths to get sober.
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  I had the what we call the electric fleas.
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  So is itchy all over and I couldn't sleep, I'd get home
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  from a meeting at 10:00 at night and I couldn't sleep and I'd be
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  walking around and I thought what am I going to do this?
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  Drive me mad. So somebody suggested that I dig
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  a hole and I thought I'll come people, the digging a hole but
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  then I thought well I live on a block of sand of think I'll
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  plant grass. So every time I went to a
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  meeting Meeting. I would pull couch grass out of
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  fences and off nature strips and weed your garden in the middle
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  of the knife and take it. Fill up my boot with couch grass
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  and I'd come home. And I had a bit of a Dibble
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  stick and I put my head torch on and I would plant grass.
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  Till the sun came up and then I fall asleep.
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  Yeah. And that went on, for a good,
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  six months, you know, it took me a long time.
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  Long time to settle down. Will six months.
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  Isn't that long really than you think I drank for over 20 years?
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  Anyway, that grass has grown. Now that was ten years ago, that
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  grass has grown and it's Lush and green and spongy and very
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  healthy. And I look at it, I sit on my
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  veranda and I look at it and I think that's my serenity grass.
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  You know, there's a little patch over there that needs some
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  attention. There's a bit of dead, you know,
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  see if with us and coming through that needs a bit of
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  fertilizer. You know, needs Some water so it
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  reminds me of my sobriety, you know how I've recovered and
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  yeah, there are patches. I still got to do meetings that
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  I don't think that'll ever stopped and I don't want it to
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  stop because these are my tribe. These are people that understand
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  me today. They laugh at my suit, my
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  stories of what I used to be so embarrassed about But yeah, to
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  an alcoholic, it's quite normal. I'm a bit lost.
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  Yes. Well, that's gave me the gift of
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  thanks. Doing that.
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  Gave me the gift of traveling. When I got into Alcoholics
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  Anonymous, I was seven months sober and one of the other
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  members said to me, there's a tag-along going to lightning
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  Ridge and I saw, well, what's that?
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  And they said you go, you get in a car and you drive to a big
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  meeting, it's out in the bush. And I went, wow, that sounds.
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  All right, fill in the time and it's in the middle of a, a so
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  safe. And so I girlfriend and I we
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  went off and we were only supposed to be gone for three
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  and a half weeks and we were gone for three months.
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  We've got all the way up to Darwin from and you know,
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  couldn't believe where the time had gone and it was called a tag
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  along and it's where a group of Alcoholics and their families.
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  We can't belong the road. We do PI meetings at Little
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  towns, we visit members solo members that are just the one
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  person in one town and they wouldn't see another member for
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  months and months on end. And we call him, and we have a
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  campfire and meeting and a chat. It's a wonderful wonderful
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  experience and on these Tagalongs, we We meet new
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  people. We meet people from all over.
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  Australia members that have heard about this new way of
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  Being Sober. We're a happy joyous lat.
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  Yeah, I didn't stop drinking to be miserable.
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  I was miserable with the drink. I didn't have to, I didn't want
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  to be miserable. Anyway, that was I've been on
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  about 910 Tagalongs now, and I'm recording this on the side of
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  the road, a bush camp, and we're on our way to Perth to the
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  National Convention. It's a great life today, but it
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  hasn't been easy. You know, I saw this step work
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  to do this 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I have
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  a sponsor Who I'm in regular contact with and we talk often
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  and we do step work together. You know, she helps me through
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  the big book and, yeah, we study it.
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  I suppose, we study it. And then I have homework to do,
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  you know, we have is a bit of writing to do, but a journaling
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  and it's lovely to look back in my journals and see how I've
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  changed. How my attitude has changed.
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  Have gone from resentful and angry and depressed and blaming
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  everybody to be happy, joyous and free.
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  Where I know today that there's only three people but ever cause
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  me a problem and that's me myself and I it was all to do
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  with my attitude all to do with my attitude.
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  Anyway, I am very, very yeah, I'm free.
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  I have a new Freedom today, not an old life.
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  Polished up, but a brand new life.
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  Thank you very much. How did you go on, about the
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  spiritual side of the program are to find that higher power.
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  That was, that was God. I've had a higher power which I
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  call God in my life. Well, ever since I was little to
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  survive the way that I did. And when I came in to Alcoholics
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  Anonymous, it was It's they showed me a way to connect with
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  my higher power. So we do pray, I do prayer and
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  meditation. Today, I have a conscious
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  contact and a lot of my problems.
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  I tried to sort out myself, it's called willfulness and but
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  today, I can pass my will over to God and And it's all taken
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  care of, you know, I don't have to be the conductor anymore.
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  Life is so much easier when I'm not in control.
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  Hmm. Okay, so I think I've run out of
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  some fences. I've run out of words, do you
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  think of a drink today? Do I have a think of a drink to
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  death? No, I haven't thought of a drink
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  today. I-it's been, I've been relieved
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  of that compulsion and that need to have a drink because I Today,
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  that that's, that's not going to cure my problems.
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  You know, if I did pick up a drink, I know I'd be back where
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  I was straight away. They say it's Progressive.
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  Yeah. So, yeah.
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  And that's right. You can I only have to do this
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  for 24 hours a day and for eight or nine hours of those days?
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  I'm sleep. So it is, it's a lot easier to
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  do today because I'm not trying to live in tomorrow.
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  And I forgiven myself for all my misdemeanors of yesterday, My
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  bad behavior in my deceitfulness.
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  My my yeah, the things that you used to do so that you could get
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  a drink, the lies that I used to tell and say, you know, I didn't
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  do it but I really did pinching money from my husband.
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  Yeah. And pinching time to, you know,
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  how much time did I Rob, because I was passed out, or, or out
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  socializing and instead of being home and being a mum is
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  sometimes, I would lie and say I was going to work, but I wasn't
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  really, I was meeting up with people to drink and hiding it
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  to. That was another thing I didn't
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  have to hide it at first because nobody was about.
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  But then after a while, because I was doing it 24/7.
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  Yeah. You had to put it in places
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  where people wouldn't find it, like, in the bottom of the
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  Wardrobe and, and what do you do?
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  With an empty flagon, you know, like I don't know, I I know five
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  flag and spit in a milk crate and I used to stack them in the
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  back of the shed. I've watched them.
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  Make them all nice, take the label off.
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  And when I stopped drinking, I had like, hundreds of flagons
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  all shiny and you anyway, I gave them to of fellow that made wine
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  and he was very happy. He was very happy to receive all
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  this. This.
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  Empty clean flagons. Yeah, amazing amazing.
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  Very good, very good. Thank you very much.
• 18:28
  Thank you, ding.