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The ABC’s of managing your emotions. · Mental Health and the Mission of the Church

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Good morning, everybody.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Glad to be with you this morning, man.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Hope you're surviving all this uh COVID-19 stuff and hope your loved ones are good and everybody's safe.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: But uh been talking lately about these three epidemics.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: One of them is called what I call renegade emotions, and uh renegade emotions are just those that are kind of running around on their own, not being held uh in check.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: And um, as I said in the little description of today, most people, and most is 51% or more, most people feel helpless and hopeless when it comes to uh just dealing with the feelings that life generates uh in us.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And um, I just want to talk to you a little bit about some things that I've learned uh in my own life, things I've learned studying, things I've learned um, you know, working with others, and um and just kind of walking with God and and and just learning what He what He's brought into to my life.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: The Bible really has a lot to say about emotions, and um fear not uh would be a statement about emotions, right?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's a challenge.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: I I think it's one of the most um used uh phrases in the whole Bible.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Uh you know, the Bible says be angry and don't sin.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, interestingly, that contrary to what some Christians believe, that means it must be okay on some situations to some degree to be angry, because it says be angry, but don't sin.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: So uh that's pretty cool.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: The Bible says the kingdom of God is not meat nor drink, but righteousness, peace, and joy.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: I think that would have some connection to emotion.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: So God wants us to um learn to manage.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like the word control, because the truth of the matter is, guys, let's get this straight.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Life is gonna knock you around a little bit.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Life's gonna surprise you and not always in good ways, and people are going to um uh just not always act the way you know we would like them to, and quite honestly, they're gonna do just like we do, and they're gonna they're gonna miss the boat sometimes and do things they wish they hadn't done and hurt people that they love.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: So, bottom line is we're gonna have emotions that kind of squirt out in directions we wish they didn't.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: So, what uh what about this thing called emotions?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, really important thought emotions don't just happen to us.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Most people seem to have this idea that they're walking down the street, da-da-da-da-da-da-da, and something happens and depression jumps on them from the outside, and they're walking along having a good day, whistling, and depression jumps on them, or anxiety jumps on them.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Key thought from the outside in.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is a really important thought.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Every emotion you feel is self-generated or generated from within you.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, now let's say this and get this off to the side because it's so important.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: If if someone has uh generational, hereditary, physiological issues with brain chemistry, depression, anxiety, and some other things that are quite quite bad, challenging, let's say, um, you know, those that's a that's a different set of things that can be worked with, but that's not precisely what we're talking about.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Happy to talk about that someday if you'd like me to.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: But what I'm talking about now is the bulge of the curve, in other words, the majority of us, that our emotions kind of stay where they generally need to be, but uh but life kind of knocks us around and we feel victimized uh or ambushed by our emotions.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, so emotions don't happen to us.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: We generate them chemically, electrically within our brain.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: So what do we do about that?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: A couple thoughts.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: We never respond to outside events directly.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: What do you mean by that?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my wife acts a certain way, I end up feeling a certain way.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: My wife acts a certain way, I end up feeling a certain way.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the way I end up feeling is not directly caused by what my wife did or didn't do, a friend did or didn't do, or whatever.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's driven by something in the middle.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: We call this the ABCs of managing emotions.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: A is the activating event.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's the thing that happens out here.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Could be somebody else's behavior, could be a car accident, could be, you know, you slam your finger in the door, I don't know.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: It could be some kind of external event.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: And you end up over here, C, which is your corresponding response.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: So this event happens outside of you.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: This is how you end up feeling, feeling inside of you.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Let's use the you know, you slam your finger in a door, and not brutally, but enough to hurt.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: So, external event, I end up feeling what?
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: I end up feeling dumb.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: I end up feeling like, why do I keep doing that to myself?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And it ends up feeding into this narrative about how I'm such a goofball, and I I'm accident prone, and I just don't manage life well.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what just happened there was A activating event, C corresponding response.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: In the middle is B.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: A, B, C.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: B is my belief system.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Outside event, A.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Internal response, C.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: What really makes a difference is B, and B is my belief system.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: B is what I say to myself, what I'm thinking about myself, and whatever other circumstances and people are involved.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: So A happens, I end up feeling C.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Most people think A causes C.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: I know this sounds a little weird, but it's so important.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: A, outside events don't cause my feelings.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, all my feelings are self-generated.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: A prompts me to respond.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: A pokes me to respond.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: How I respond, C, is determined by B, which is right here between my ears, how I'm thinking, how I'm talking to myself.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I I I slam my hand in a door.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: I end up feeling like I'm such a goofball, I'm I'm so clumsy.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: I just I mess up everything I get involved in.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what was that?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's B.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: What happens is A, the outside event triggers, you've heard that word before, triggers my self-talk, triggers my belief system.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: About what?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: About me.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: And what happens is I go into this often repeated, often practiced, almost subconscious, almost below the line of awareness, this berating of myself, and I end up feeling horrible.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Let's make it a little different.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, a group of friends are talking over here, and they're friends that I I I love, and I really just want to be a I want to be a really important part of that circle of friends, and I hear them talking about going to a movie that night, and nobody's invited me.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, what that's an external event, they're talking about going to a movie, no one's invited me.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: I end up feeling what?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: I feel rejected, I feel unwanted, I feel un not valuable.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, what happened?
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: In between overhearing them talking about going to a movie and my not being invited, I thought through, it triggered.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Remember now, this isn't always like you don't choose to do this, it just kind of boom goes.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: But what am I thinking?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm thinking, you know, I'm such a loser, they don't really like me.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't, I don't, I don't know why I, you know, keep hoping that somebody's gonna like me or I'm gonna have a great group of friends.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: And in other words, I start talking to myself, which we're doing all the time, and down I go.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what could I do?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Can I change their behavior?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Not a great strategy.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Can I directly grab my feeling and just uh make my feelings go where I want?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's not a great one either.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Grabbing your feelings is like grabbing water, it's just feelings are kind of slippery.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: But what you can grab is your thoughts.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: You can change intentionally how you're talking to yourself about that situation.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I overhear them talking, they're gonna go to a movie or whatever it was, and I have not been invited.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Well, now I get I get to decide.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: I get to decide what I'm gonna do with that.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: I could say to myself, you're a loser.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you don't really have any real friends.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Or I could say to myself, you know, uh, I've got things I need to do.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to go to that movie with them.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think it'd be fun.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm sure there's good reasons why I've not been invited.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Or let's say there aren't.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say it is a caddy, whatever.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you could say this.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know, it does appear that um I'm not being welcomed into that circle of friends.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean I'm a loser.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh it might mean they're losers.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Probably not the best way to respond.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: But uh, do I have any friends that really like me?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Who's the best one to start with, by the way?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: A little side question.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: How about God, right?
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: So uh, well, yeah, and you know, my wife seems to think I'm a pretty pretty cool fella.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and maybe, in other words, what you're doing is you're you're buffering's probably not the right word, but you're buffering the impact by by monitoring and managing, monitoring, in other words, it's called self-awareness or mindfulness, being aware of what's happening up here.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: What am I if you can, if you it's the it's the gap.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Mind M-I-N-D, mind the gap.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: What gap?
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Between the outside event, the activating event, A, and your corresponding response, C.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: The mind the gap, which is B, your belief system, or what you're saying to yourself.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, what we'll probably do is talk some more about this next week because it's such an important topic.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: But the whole idea for today is this own your emotions.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Own OWN, own your emotions.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Every emotion you feel is self-generated.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now, again, remember, we qualified chemical issues and all, and maybe we'll take a whole episode and talk about that.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: But for the majority of us, outside events don't cause our feelings.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: The thoughts we mix with them, that outside event, A, B, your belief system, causes C, your corresponding response.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: So let's figure this out, man.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I promise you, it uh it'll make for a whole lot more good days.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Not perfect days, but a whole lot more good days.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Love you guys.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Look forward to talking to you next week.