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A post (church) service RUSH · An ASMR Practice

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: We built this city! We built this city on rock
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: and roll! Let's go. I just went to church, guys.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling good. I really like my church. I really,
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: really like my church. I was, like, skeptical. I was
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: definitely skeptical. This is sort of my disposition these days,
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: is to be pretty skeptical. I mean, especially of institutions,
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: I think. But these are good intuitive folk. And the
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: names were really just rocking my entire world that I
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: encountered today. I spoke to the preacher. I was feeling
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: very brave. I was like, what's up? I was like,
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: I'm going to email you. I'm going to email you.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: The first time I was, like... The first time I
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: went to this church, they were like, We just don't
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: want to be in debt, guys. Please. And I was
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: literally actively in debt, and I... I still donated to them. Because,
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm not worried about it. I'm just
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: really not. But I've done the math, and I think that...
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: I think... I think... Like, technically... I'm pretty sure if
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: I took, I'm not in debt. I don't, I don't
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: think I'm in debt, but the thing is I do
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: the guy, I went to put air in my tires,
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: you know, at the, at the free place. And the
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: guy was like, you got to change your tires, girl,
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: if you're leaving town. And I was like, okay. Um,
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: and there's only one place that's open on a day
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: like today, which fortunately I think it's going to be
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: the cheapest place. Um, and hopefully they're going to have some,
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: They're going to have some good people on it, I
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: would say. So I'm just interacting with the church and
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: the car guys today. This is sort of my passion.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: And I got to email the preacher. I got to
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: email the preacher. I have a good feeling about this.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: I think... Even if nothing comes of it, I am
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: just kind of curious to see what he says. And,
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: you know... I trust these people. And so I'm thinking
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: a lot about something I said way in the past
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: about how blocking... Like, the ability to block someone on
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: a social media platform. Like, the ability to block somebody's
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: calls or messages. I sort of, in that instant, was like, yeah,
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: that's kind of the whole point. And obviously, I don't
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: think that's the whole point. And also, I think it
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: is a kind of privilege and protection that we are
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: able to do this now. And we are pretty, like, dispersed. Like,
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: I think... I think this is good. Like, I don't know.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: I think perhaps I felt shame about my tendency. Because
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: I get overwhelmed. I'm a very emotional being. I feel
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: it in my body. I'm very in my body. I'm
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: extremely in my body in a way that you would just...
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of people are not like me
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: in this way. You know, my stress manifests as literal
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: knots in my body. And I have met three masseuses.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: I have met three masseuses in training this week. And
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: I'm like, thank God. Thank God. We need more of
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: these guys. We need less of the other stuff. We
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: need more of these guys. And, you know, And I'm
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: intrigued to do a sort of service exchange with some
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: of these folks. But, you know, I don't know. I
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: don't know if it's ethical or if it's legal. I
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: think it is. I'm pretty sure that's how they used
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: to do it. But it's like I got some other
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: skills that I could do. I also have a massage table.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: I also literally have a massage table. So maybe they
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: would want that. I don't know. But I kind of
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: want it. What was I even talking about? I'm just
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: feeling good. I think I know what I need to do. Trust. Trust. Trust.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: Somebody who, like, doesn't trust me anymore recently asked me
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: a question. They were like, would you trust yourself? And
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: I answered honestly. I said, yeah, I am. I'm doing that.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: And it's like, yeah, there's all these people who are, like,
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: not trusting me, and that's fine. I think people have
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: a very black and white perception of the truth. Like,
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: my sister just asked me. She's like, I was like, yeah,
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: I agreed to do this thing. And she was like, okay,
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: but are you going to be honest? And I'm just like,
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: define honesty. What do you mean? What are you talking about?
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: And she's like, well, are you going to tell them
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: about this? And I was like, I don't know. Because
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: it's not happening anymore. Maybe. I was like, maybe I'll
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: tell them. I don't know. It depends if it comes up.
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: I mean, I'm not the leader. If I go to
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: this thing, I'm not the leader. There's no way. If
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: I seek a professional for help, they're the leader. I'm
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: not coming in there guns a-blazing, okay? I'm not... I'm
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: not making any demands. I'm doing it because this is
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: what they want from me. This is what they want
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: from me. And I'm going to give them attitude straight up.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be a brat and I'm going to
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: give them attitude. And hopefully it's a woman. And that
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: might like make me a little softer. So y'all pray
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: that it's a woman. If you want me to have
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: less of an attitude, pray it's a man. If you
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: want me to be a brat, because these are the rules.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: These are the rules. I wasn't a brat to the preacher.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: You know? I trust the preacher. I really do. I
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: think he's a funny guy. And I think the men
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: in the group really respect him. I can see it.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: And I respect him. He made me laugh. He made
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: me laugh a lot the first day. He's just a
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: simple guy. So, I'm feeling good about all that. And
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: I have concepts of a plan for what I'm doing tomorrow. First,
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: I'm going to go see my sister, because this is
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: what we do. We freaking stick by our freaking siblings.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: Some people could stand to learn this freaking lesson. It
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: seems a lot of people are maybe not doing this,
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: and I... The only way I know how to address
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: the situation is to fucking scream and be a little demonic.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: If I'm just being honest, like, I'm gonna come in
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: there like the freaking child in The Exorcist, okay? Like,
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: the only way I know how to address the rage
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: I feel and the... Not even necessarily... No, it is rage.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: It is rage. The only way I know is to
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: just absolutely try to destroy this person. Who, you know...
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: does not have a good relationship with their sibling. That's
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: the only way I know. And so I don't think
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: I should be the one. I don't, I think you're
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: gonna have to send in somebody a little more peaceful.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: I think, I don't know who we're sending in. Is
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: it me? I tried. The thing is, is I tried
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: to reach out to the other side. I didn't get
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: a response. And the only way I know how to
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: proceed is to just be a little demon. And to
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: frighten them. This is my superpower. Is to just frighten people.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: And I kind of like it. But the thing is,
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: people aren't... This is what I talked about. in private,
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: this is what I talked about. I was like, first
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: of all, I'm, I'm being, I'm being perceived like people
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: are moving on. There's a non moving on thing where
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: something happened in the past about to go or so.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: And I kind of lost my shit and I wasn't sleeping.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: And now they're saying, well, we're worried about you because
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: you're not sleeping. I'm like, I'm sleeping now. But now
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: I'm sleeping. Does anybody know what it means to be
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: in the present moment? And does anybody have a concept
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: of like people can change? Does anybody know anything about this?
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: It would seem these people do not. So there's that.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: And then, because I had said, I was like, nobody
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: believes me. Nobody believes me. Nobody believes that I'm okay.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: And at the time, I probably wasn't. Okay. I still
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: thought I was, to be honest. I don't know what
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: that's called. I felt good. I felt like... Yeah, I
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: probably felt a little too good. My dad used to
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: say that when he was a teenager, he felt invincible.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: I kind of felt like that. I kind of felt
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: like invincible. um so i don't know what they call
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: that i don't know what that means i don't want
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: to know frankly it's not here with me anymore it
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: comes and goes this is what my teacher said i
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: remember i came to him and i was kind of
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: like tweaking out and he just said to me he
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: said it comes and goes and i have the image
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: of him i have the image of the hand signal
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: he did like perfectly in my brain And I think
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: I spent an amount of time being like, that was
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: such a bullshit response. But then I was like, no,
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: he's actually right. It literally does just come and go.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: Whatever it is. This kind of tweaking out thing. He
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: knew me. Like, instantly. He comes and goes. You know,
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: I think some people need or enjoy and they kind
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: of talked about this in church too. Like they were
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: saying some people they quote get saved or they find
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: their salvation, they join the church, whatever. And then they
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: get kind of lost in the like saving other people thing.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: Like they're like doing it really fast and they're like,
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: it's like a rush, or it's like a... you know,
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: they're taking it very seriously. And, you know, I come
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: from a different philosophical and ethical background where this is
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: not love. You know? My philosopher says love is not intervention.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: Love is... at a distance. And that, you know, consumption
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: is different than love. And I see how love can
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: be intervention. I was speaking with a certain Joshua. You know, like,
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: if we think about political, geopolitical stuff, the United States,
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: they be intervening. in ways that, you know, I mean,
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: I hate to say allegedly, I, the thing is, is
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm not there. I'm not there. It's
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: hard for me. I mean, yeah, we can believe them,
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: but it's like, I'd rather believe in something different if
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: I'm just honest. Politics cannot be number one. It really
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: cannot be number one for me. Um, it was, it
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: was for a long time. And I had like, Listen,
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: I had a lot of people. I had a lot
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: of recruits, okay? I had soldiers, but I didn't really have, like, friends,
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: to be honest. I had recruits. I was like a freaking...
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: I was a recruiter. I was like a recruiter for
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: the freaking army. I was like, you guys, we gotta...
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: You guys, we gotta... We gotta do politics. We gotta
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: go knock on doors. We gotta make calls. but I
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: didn't really have friends at that time sort of I
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: sort of kind of had friends but mostly I think
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: they liked what I could do for them you know
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: I could bring them to functions where food and water
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: and stuff was provided like I could bring them to
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: parties because I was just kind of connected with the
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: scene of political people you know They work hard and
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: they party hard as well. And... They'll do anything. They'll
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: do anything to keep the recruits. And so, I don't know.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: I think there's different ways to intervene. I think about
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: good intervention, which is like when Canada and Mexico... When
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: they helped us during Hurricane Katrina and 9-11. And the
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: forest fires in California. Yeah. This is, like, good intervention.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: This is, like, we have resources, we're your neighbors, we're
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: coming to help. I think there's other kinds of intervention
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: that maybe are not so good. Like, just starting revolutions
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: and converting everyone to your ideology because you're, like, scared
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: of some other ideology. And I don't know. I've read
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: some communist literature and... it was compelling. I gotta say,
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: it was really compelling. And I think if my neighbor
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: wants to be doing communism, you can do communism. Why not?
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: I think there's different kinds of communism. The communism I
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: read was anarcho-communism. This was very different. And I have
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: a friend that also read this book. I think they
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: recommended it to me. And they were like, well, the
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: problem is, what do you do with the people that
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: aren't obeying what do you do with those guys it
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: doesn't address that well I think it does address it
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: I think it says essentially send them away give them
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: to the next country and we've been doing that guys
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: we've literally been doing that this is like this is
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: Australia this is literally what Australia is it's just the
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: rejects and I don't know how Australia is doing they
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: might be doing better than us to be honest I
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: don't know what we're doing what are we doing guys
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: What the heck? I think... I think we got people
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: on the inside. This is what my church said the
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: first time. They said, we got people on the inside.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: It's a slow process, but... You know. We got good people. Around.
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: And they're trying. And I appreciated that. It's like a combination...
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: It's a combination of faith and hope. Because on one
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: hand it's like... We know we have people. On the inside.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: But it's also hope because... Yeah, it's a slow process.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: There's only so much a single person can do. I
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: had my squishy. My friend gave me this squishy. This
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: Minecraft squishy. And it really helped me during church. It
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: honestly really reminds me, because I've worked with a lot
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: of kinds of dough. Like, pizza dough, croissant dough. For years.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: And it's very much like that. It really helps me.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: You know, when I was, like, balling dough for hours
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: a day, like, low-key, my hands were really sore. And
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: so this is, like, a nice training tool, I think.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: To make my hands strong again. Um... Where am I going? Okay,
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: I'm doing my tires. I gotta do my tires. The
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: wheels on the bus go round and round. I got
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: my fluid situated. I'm feeling good about this. I'm feeling
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: good about it. I know what I need to do,
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: and I got my stuff really organized. I would say.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: Got my stuff really organized. I just had an idea. Okay,
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: so I used to always have the fantasy as a
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: kid of like, I was like one day when I
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: have a car and I have money, I want to like.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: I want to like find. An unhoused person. And like.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: Turn their life around. You know. Like I want to
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: like buy them an outfit. And like feed them. And
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: take them where they need to go. You know. And
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: for some reason. I put this cardboard thing. In. I
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: have a sort of situation. Here. put this cardboard thing
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: and i was like i just i wonder what would
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: happen if i like kind of did the pan handler
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: thing if i just sort of sat somewhere with like
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: a cardboard sign Because technically, like, I mean, I kind
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: of have a home. I don't know, I've just... Okay,
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: this is gonna sound crazy, but... I feel like... When
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: I wasn't sleeping very good, I was praying a lot. And...
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: I kept seeing like, it was just every day. It's like,
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: I'm not sleeping very well. I'm praying a lot and
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: every day or like the next day. So I'd pray
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: for something specific, right? Or like I'd express gratitude for
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: something specific. And then the next day I would see
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: what I talked about in prayer, like pretty directly correlated
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: on a panhandler's like signs. For, like, multiple days in
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: a row, this happened. And... You know... The lady who
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: prayed over me today... She prayed for the homeless in
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: the area. And you know, I'm at an intersection where
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: usually there's a lot of them. They're kind of doing construction,
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: and there's not any today. But historically, there's usually a
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: lot here. So... I don't know what this means. But
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: it feels like a good sign. I really... Gosh... The
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: sermon was extremely good today. I got there pretty late,
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: if I'm honest. I got there pretty late. But I
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: was grateful because I feel like usually they do music
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: for a while in the beginning. And I do like
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: the music, but I was listening to my own music
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: on the way. And ultimately, I got there just in
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: time for a really good service. Alright, and now I'm
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: pulling into the car service place. We gotta service the
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: freaking car. I really hope somebody's even here. Um, I think,
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling three. I'm feeling three. Oh, wow. They are
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: not that expensive. Let's freaking go, guys. Alright. Gotta go. Bye.