Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S1 Ep29: Still Fighting, Still Loving/ The Married Life 🤣

Transcript

S1 Ep29: Still Fighting, Still Loving/ The Married Life 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: My lovely wife and I said, well, I said, I got COVID.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_02: And she goes, okay.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_02: She goes, just come on home and go on into the guest bedroom.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_02: No, yeah, she's not giving up the master, are you kidding?
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_02: And so I got home and y'all, I was just freaking out.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_02: Because I had heard all the horror stories, you know, people losing their taste and their smell, and sadly, some people died from it.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm waiting for the COVID wave just to come crashing down on me.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_02: I gotta tell you something.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_02: That first night I was back at the house, I slept the whole night.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_02: Not once was I awakened by my wife snoring.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_02: And I love her to death, but this woman can throw down some snoring.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not talking little kitten purring, I'm talking night of the walking dead.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_02: This is what I would try to go to sleep to every night, too.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_02: So I gently rub her on the back, push her out of bed.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_02: But she always wakes up when she hits the floor.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_02: And then she looks at me and goes, What are you doing?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_02: I go, baby, you're snoring.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_02: She goes, No, I'm not, I'm wide awake.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_02: Well, now you are.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_02: A second ago, you were sucking paintings off the wall.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_02: And then has the audacity to look me in the eye and say, Maybe it was you snoring, you just woke yourself up.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, let's go with that psycho, because that makes so much more sense.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_02: But not that night, gang.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_02: I slept the whole night.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_02: Got up next morning, breakfast was outside the door.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_02: I ate it, put my dishes back out there.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_02: Ten minutes later, dishes was gone.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_02: That day I watched every Andy Griffith and gunsmoke rerun I could find.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_02: Without somebody standing over me going, why do you watch that stuff?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_02: Because Opie just killed a mother bird.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_02: That's why we're watching this.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_02: That night, dinner showed up, took it in the bedroom, ate, put my dishes back outside.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_02: The little dish fairies took it away.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_02: I gotta be honest with you, I didn't see a bad side to this whole COVID thing.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_02: It was kind of like being at a spa.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_02: But yeah, but that's the problem, and I hate being this way.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_02: I don't I hate being a hypochondriac because it's just it's not fun because you're always worried about death.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: A cold.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, I'm gone.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_02: True story.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_02: Every year, Gail and I would get our physical and we'd get our blood work done just in case there was something, we could stay on top of it.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_02: So this happened this year.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_02: We got our physicals, got our blood work done.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_02: Four days later, I'm out playing golf.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_02: Five o'clock in the evening.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_02: I get back in the golf cart, I see a message from the doctor, voicemail, and this is what it said.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_02: You need to call us as soon as possible.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: What the hell does that mean?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_02: I'll tell you what it means.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm dying.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: That's what it means.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: Now, here's the deal.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: As you probably know, because I'm quite famous, I recently got a divorce from my ex-husband, Jimmy Big Balls.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's okay, it's very amicable.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: Thank God.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: And he also lost 98 pounds.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the reason I call him Jimmy Big Balls, you might not know.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: If you're stupid, you can't put two in the okay.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: Picture this guy's freaking head.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Imagine two of the most in a pair of Haynes tiny white.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: Actual size.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that's Zach.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: Jesus Christ.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: It looked like two little midgets fighting their way out of a pink hairy parachute.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: I hadn't seen anything that big and hairy since I gave Snooki a Pap smear.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: But see, this is how I know that God hates me.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Even though Jimmy loses all this weight and looks great, every time he lost an ounce, it gravitated.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: And it migrated and eventually settled in that fing beanbag chair of a n sack until he had to hold it up when he took a sh just in case.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: And you know how I knew it was big, oh my god, one day he's laying in bed naked and he goes, hey, check it out.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: I look, sir, his bull was resting on my side of the bed.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: See, do I try to be positive?
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: Cause I'm a person who would project much light in love.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: And it was like, oh my god, wow! At least we never have to buy throw pillows again.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: But you know what, folks?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: Since I'm telling you the truth, I will tell you this.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: I think that is the night.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Then I knew the marriage was not meant to be.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: No, you laugh, but seeing um that ball on the sheet and um the other one on the nightstand.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: Now, like I said, I am one lucky that I do not have a nasty divorce.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: And part of it I think is is that we didn't have kids.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: Now, black guy, are you a black?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Or a half spic, half black?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: That would make you six years a slave, my friend.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: Look at the gay guys are getting worried.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, ah, help us.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, are you a black guy then?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: Let me out.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: You're Jamaican.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, okay.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: No wonder this hot bitch is with you.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: Holy.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: How many kids you got?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: You got keys?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: You got keys, mother, you got keys.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: How many you got?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: Two, two, two, two, two, two, two.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: How old are your kids?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Four and ten, is this their mom?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: No, of course not.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Why wait you know?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: You don't want to mess with fine traditions.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: But we also have arguments, just like every other married couple.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Stupid arguments.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, dump some.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: We never go to bed angry, though.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: We would much rather stay awake and plot a revenge.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's how we handle it.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: We had a fight recently because I peed in the shower on her leg.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: But I uh I was just marking my territory.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you have no idea fight's coming, it just comes out of the blue.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: A couple weeks ago, I was slowly taking off her bra and she walked in on me.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: And that was a doozy.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Last night she said I was suffocating her.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's what she said.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: The pillow was muffling her voice.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: But uh and that joke is brought to you by mypillow.com, everybody.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Dr.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Phil says if you're arguing with your spouse, you should try to see things from your spouse's point of view.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: So whenever we have an argument, I put myself in her shoes and her stockings and her bra and her panties and her scrunchie.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're standing there wearing stiletto heels, fishnet stockings with an underwire bra and a thong up the crack of your ass, it dawns on you.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: This is why she's irritable.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: I get it now.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Dr.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Phil's a genius.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: We will never get divorced, though, because frankly, neither one of us wants custody of the children.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I think we're in it for the long haul.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because we do have kids, we're breeders, we have some spawn, the wife and I, twin boys.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: People ask if we use fertility drugs to have twins, and unless you count Prozac and tequila as fertility drugs, we'll we like to say we were blessed with twins because we got the child that we always wanted and one for parts.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I had always dreamed of having twins, but in my dreams they were the Olsen twins in a hot tub.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: It was different, but this is special.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: It really is.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Irish, my wife is Lebanese, so we know they're gonna grow up to be drunk and terrorists.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: You might want to wait for the punchline before you clap at that.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's great, don't we?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I like the end of parents fun.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Twin pregnancies, tough pregnancy.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: First trimester, a lot of vomiting and crying, and my wife was having a tough time too.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then second trimester, she snapped at me one day and she said, I'd love to see you give birth to a child.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, I'd love to see you pee your initials in the snow.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: We're just different, you know what I mean?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: I went to every single doctor's appointment with my wife when she was pregnant because I only work an hour a night, so I couldn't get out of it.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: And it's humiliating.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: You walk into the doctor's office, and within five minutes, your wife is naked with her feet up in the stirrups, and I can't even get her to wear a cowboy hat to bed.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And then the doctor comes sauntering into the room, and the first thing he does is he conducts what he calls a breast examination.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's what he calls it.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: I call it going to second base on my wife in front of me.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I call it.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because this, that's not necessary, right?
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's no medical need for that.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: What is that, Obamacare?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then he says, I'm just looking for lumps, and I'm like, You're gonna find one, fuck face, keep it up.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's a scam.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Our final visit to his office, I gave him a urine sample all over his desk.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't like him.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I made that clear.