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Bad behavior is rubbing off on my kids...HELP! · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, it's Doc David with Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Today I get asked a question about kids transmitting bad behaviors to other kids.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Listen in.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the third.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about relationships, challenges, and life.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Hey there, it's Doc David with Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: and I got another question.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you have a question for me, you can email it to headtrinkink at gmail.com and I probably will answer it in a podcast.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: So today's question comes from Joe.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I don't know if that's his real name or if that's a pseudonym.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Joe, the subject is learning bad manners.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: So Joe writes in, Dear Doc David, my family spends a lot of time with my brother's family.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, his children don't have very good manners, and my much younger children are learning rude behaviors from them.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: How do I keep my children from learning bad habits from their cousins without offending my brother, who doesn't seem to recognize that his children's behavior is atrocious?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um that's that's a great question.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: I have a family of seven children, and uh they hang out a lot with um their cousins, my brother and sister-in-law.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: And luckily we have similar ideas on what is rude behavior and what isn't rude behavior.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so I haven't run into this personally in my own life, but I have seen it with other families that I've interacted with where we may go to hang out with these families, and I'm just flabbergasted at their children and how their children uh speak to their parents and how their children speak to um other adults that are around.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so uh there's three things that I had thought of for Joe to maybe consider as he's um interacting with his nephews, I guess they would be.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: I guess they would be nieces and or nephews.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um so number one, part of the challenge of being a parent is that we're thrust into this world um uh of adults, of children on a daily basis.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Kids go to school, generally speaking, um, unless you're homeschooled, but but kids go to school and they're they interact with all kinds of rude behavior.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um and so uh the key role of a parent, I think, is to influence their kid.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: But it's a challenge because uh the world's a big place, you're gonna run into all kinds of people in you know a variety of places, Disneyland, McDonald's, Walmart.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: There's all kinds of people in in those places that you may not see eye to eye with on any number of reasons, you know, any number of planes, you know, the political plane, um, an emotional, uh maybe someone's too emotional, maybe someone's not emotional enough, maybe someone eats with their mouth open, maybe someone doesn't eat with their mouth open.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's all these different um kinds of interactions that you're gonna have with people throughout the day.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And you as a parent and I as a parent, we have to figure it out.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so the the one of the biggest strengths we can pass on to our children is to help them figure it out as well.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And that doesn't just start when they're eight, nine, ten.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't just start when they're teenagers, it doesn't just start when they're almost out of the home, it starts when they're practically born.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um you have, as a parent, you have this huge opportunity and huge responsibility to influence those kids to become citizens of the world, to interact appropriately with other people.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: So that's a challenge because you may have a close relationship with somebody that doesn't see eye to eye with you on um how they're raising their kids.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so those kids interact with one another, and so then who is right?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so it could potentially, I've seen some families where things have broken apart because one family member one family is member is not willing to give up their belief in something, or they're not even willing to have a conversation about it, um, or they are super judgmental and and they just cut off all kinds of relationships.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: So recogni I think firstly you need to recognize that that's potentially a challenge in our lives as parents.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: That there's lots of other parents who think they're doing it the right way and who may think you're doing it the wrong way.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're able to acknowledge, you know what, I may not be doing it the exact right way.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so I'm willing to have a conversation with other people about that, I think that takes care of the challenge challenge number one.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, challenge number two might be a little bit even more difficult.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I think that in this case, Joe could have a conversation with his brother.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm making an assumption that if these cousins are hanging out a lot together, that there must be some level of closeness that these families have with one another.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so this closeness gives a great opportunity to have curious conversations about what's okay and what's not okay.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the challenge here is that sometimes our conversations of pure curiosity can sound really judgmental.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so a lot of people simply are just not willing to engage in those kinds of conversations because inevitably people get defensive and people get hurt, and then relationships are cut off.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so a lot of times people just tolerate the bad behavior when if both sides could honestly come together and have a a fact-finding conversation, or just a conversation that's simply out of curiosity but isn't out of judgment, then um I I think a lot more relationships would be um would be okay.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: So, for example, I spent some time over in um Korea, and so one of the things in Korea that inevitably would happen as I'd be eating with um Koreans is that there'd be this smacking of the food and they'd chew with their mouth open.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, to someone that is um really into etiquette, Western etiquette, they could be really offended by that.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: But as I asked questions about it, one of the things that um I was told is that you know, when you open your mouth while you're eating, it gives you a different flavor of the food, it potentially enhances the flavor.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now I don't know if there's studies behind that, but that's that's what I was told by these Koreans.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And so I actually tried to I actually started doing it a little bit, and I did notice a difference in the taste of the food when air would come into the mouth as you're chewing.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, in Western culture, that would be completely offensive, eating with your mouth open.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: You're taught as a child, as a young child, to not eat with your mouth open.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so there's a judgment that happens when you see someone in Western culture eating with their mouth open.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: You make a judgment about them, like, oh, what a bunch of slobs, oh, I can't believe that they have such bad table manners.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: But in another culture, that that could be completely normal.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Just an example, like, and I don't know if this is true, I I'm just gonna assume it is, but burping in another culture is a way to uh compliment the chef.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I I have not found the culture where that's accurate, and if you're listening to this and you know where that culture is, I'm not gonna Google it, I'll let someone else tell me.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Feel free to let me know um at headshrinkink at gmail.com or on my Facebook page, DocDavid, because I I'm sure that that's a custom, but you know, that's not a Western culture custom.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And again, we uh this is primary, I'm the Western culture, and so we would take offense at someone just belching really loudly at the dinner table.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: So so number two, um Joa, is that I would encourage you to have a conversation with your brother.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: And you know your brother, I'm I'm assuming, and so you know how to approach him.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so take all the knowledge that you have, and if this is something that you think, you know, I'm really curious, I really want to get a resolution to this, I think approach your brother and have a very um calm, rational conversation with him.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: And if he starts to get defensive, just back away from it.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Don't don't force the issue because if you try to force the issue, then potentially relationships get ruined and cousins stop hanging out and people just get hurt in general.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um a third thing I would question is like when you say that there's these um that they don't have good manners and they're learning these rude behaviors, uh I would be curious to know if if it's reasonable what you are um thinking of as rude behavior.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of times reasonable is a great word because if they're putting their elbows on the table and you're teaching your children not to put elbows on the table, I don't think that's reasonable to say that that's out, you know, that's rude behavior, and that's a this horrible bad habit.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: If they are uh, you know, not washing their hands before they come to the dinner table, that's kind of gross.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: But uh some people are okay with that.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: I don't consider that rude behavior.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I think the question you need to ask yourself is this behavior that I think is rude, um, would most people think it's unreasonable, or would most people think, oh, you know what, that's reasonable that they're doing something like that?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um that is a good judgment on most on a lot of things that you maybe get bothered of with people, is that if you ask that question, you know, is that behavior that they're doing, is it is it reasonable?
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if a person's a close talker, let's say they talk really close to you, um, and you're so offended by it, well, is that reasonable or unreasonable?
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think it's unreasonable.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's just how they kind of interact with people, it's how they talk.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: But if every time you interact with somebody, they are gossiping, they are negative, they are down, they're never happy with you about things that you're happy with, I think that over time that becomes unreasonable.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so you need to ask yourself and be honest: you know, are these behaviors that these children are doing that you think are rude, are they really rude or are they kind of things that you just don't like?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now, um the fourth thing that I'm gonna encourage you to do, and and I think out of all the suggestions that I'm giving you, the fourth thing is the most important because it covers everything that you do as a parent.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you need to have consistent conversations with your kids because you, as the parent, are the most, are supposed to be the most influential one in that kid's life.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: And between zero and about twelve, um zero and about thirteen, you are the most influential person in that life.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: From 13 on, you start to take a back seat as they become more independent, as they listen to their friends, as they listen to the teachers that they're interacting with.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: And hopefully a lot of those messages that you instilled in them and that you were influential about from 0 to 13 have taken hold.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so I would encourage you to have consistent conversation with your kids about this behavior that the cousins do, that that's okay in their house, but in your house that's not okay.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so then you need to start learning self-control, you need to start learning to be a leader and not a sheep.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, those are great conversations that you can have with your kid.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's all about being consistent with them and having those consistent conversations with them.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you if your kid comes home, they do this rude behavior and you just get angry at them, you're not teaching them anything.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: But if they come home and they do this behavior, it's such a great opportunity to sit with them and have a very clear conversation about what happens in the Joe household and how this kind of behavior is not okay in the Joe household.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: And you have consistent conversations like that, and I think your kids will eventually learn, okay, you know what, there's a way that we, the Joe family, interacts in the world, and then there's a way that the cousins family interacts in the world, and we're two different people, which is true.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: We are all different people.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: We need to learn to tolerate one another, and so I think that's like one of the most important things as parents that we can do with our kids is to have consistent conversations about expectations that we have for our children.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, thanks for listening.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: If you have a question, feel free to email me at headshrinkinc at gmail.com.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: I would love you to share this podcast with your friends if you find that it's helpful.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: You can also give me a like on my Doc David page on uh Facebook.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: Take care, have a great week.