Latest / Different Lives Same Thoughts / Single, Swiping and Slightly Exhausted

Transcript

Single, Swiping and Slightly Exhausted · Different Lives Same Thoughts

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to Different Life Same Thoughts, the show where two women in totally different life stages compare notes on work, life, and everything in between.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Nikki.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm Shayda.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Last episode, we talked about finding friendships as adults, which got way more emotional than we planned.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're going somewhere spicier.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Oh god.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Today it's all about dating.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Specifically, my dating life.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: In 2026, app situationships, or whatever this generation has decided romance looks like now.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: I've been married a while.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: I haven't opened a dating app since Captain America Civil War, probably.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: So today I'm probably an alien learning about your species.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Perfect.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, some days I need an outside perspective just to make sense of it myself.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, so let's get into it.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so let's start basic.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: What apps is everyone using right now?
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's such a tough question.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: So it depends on your age or what you're looking for.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: So there's Bumble, there's Hinge, and then there's this app called The League.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Those are like the main ones.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: But there's also apps like Tinder, which are basically for hookups.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: So how many are you on right now?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: Three.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Don't judge me.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes I delete them for a month and then I re-download them out of boredom and then I delete them again.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: So it's this whole cycle of deleting them.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: That's hilarious.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so I have a question.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: This is like, what exactly has like changed since let's say five years ago?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: Because you know, that's when we saw started seeing the end of the pandemic.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: So honestly, I think it's just mostly the vocabulary.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: So everything has a name now.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: We have the term bread crumbing, which I don't know if you've heard.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: What is that?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: For me, bread crumbing is literally crumbing the bread.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the the man just lays out the crumbs but doesn't really commit to it.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's like taking the bait, yes, yes, yes.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's love bombing, and then there's the ick, which is I don't know.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what the ick is?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Ick, I mean, yeah, but I can name a few.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: So I just thought I'd ask.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's situationship.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a term for every single behavior, which sounds like we're making progress, but half the time it's just giving fancy names to male behaviors.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so okay, let's now that you explained what bread crumbing is, and I'm honestly it's like kind of baiting, which is I don't understand the whole changing the names point over there, but can you define like situationship to me?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like I am literally an old age.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so a situationship is where two people are basically dating, seeing each other uh regularly, texting all day, maybe meeting the friends, but nobody has said the word we're together, or you're my girlfriend, or you're my boyfriend.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: So neither person has put the label on it, basically.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: So there is no label, so kind of like you know, back then in Facebook when it says relationship status, and all the teenagers and early 20s people put like it's complicated.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: Is it kind of like that?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, that's exactly what it's like.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: So do people say like if let's say if a couple are in situationship, they say like when they when someone comes to them and you know ask for their phone number.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if people still do that at the bar.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: Uh ask for your phone number or something.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: Do they say like I'm seeing someone or they'll just give out their number?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I don't know.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: They could give out their number to be honest, because it's like there's no label to it.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: So at the end of the day, you remember like Ross and and Rachel?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I know.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: We were on a break.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, that's kind of like a form of a situation.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna ask our listeners are you team Ross?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: Are you team Rachel?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: Do you think are they on a break or are they not on a break?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: So we're gonna get polls, and that I'm gonna judge you guys based on your response.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm definitely gonna judge you guys.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: I won't know, don't worry.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: But then this whole situation, the thing, it sounds so exhausting and kind of like draining, honestly.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: It truly, truly is how long do they usually last?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Uh they can go on for a very long time sometimes, depending on I guess like the age.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: I think women, as they get older, they kind of have a lower tolerance for that.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Uh like I mean, I would have a tolerance for that at this age.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: True.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you're an independent woman, you shouldn't have a tolerance for that.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we when women become more independent, they don't have a tolerance for that.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: But okay, so just walk me through what's your actual, you know, day-to-day or like your normal week of dating is looking like right now.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so right I feel like I opened this episode and then I see you.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, I'm done with this episode already.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you're asking a lot of questions and I Because I want to hey, okay, I'm married.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: I've been married for what, eight years now?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: So that ship has sailed a long, long, long time ago for me.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just living vicariously through you, but I I'm questioning that.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to live vicariously through you anymore.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's honestly so exhausting.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: So you're basically mostly texting, it goes nowhere.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you match with someone and you have a conversation.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Either I'm asking all the questions, so I get tired of asking all the questions.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: To be honest, I give opportunities for questions to be asked, like, hi, how are you?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: But they don't have the question.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: I remember because you asked me how what to say next sometimes.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: I remember, yeah.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, because there's no question, like, what do I say to this?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I because I see that.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: So, like, you know, when we went to our girls' trip last year, you know, you asked me how to respond to that, but then he didn't ask your question, he just responded to your question and that was it.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: But you wanted to keep the conversation going, so you were asking me, what should I say next?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: So what are like not I'm not gonna blame men, like, are people in general not taking that initiative to keep the conversation going anymore?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I feel like that's what I notice in my dating experiences.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's either I'm asking all the questions and then I get to the date and I'm still asking all the questions.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: So they don't say, like, oh hey, I'm so sorry this isn't working anymore.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: What do you mean?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: When would they say that?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like, let's just say you start talking to someone on on one of your app thingy.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Oh gosh.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: On the A app.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's okay.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: You just say on app.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, let's say on an app, and you know, like you let's say you're talking for like what, a week, a week and a half, and then it kinda does it like just fizzle out, or you just they do they say like I'm so sorry, but you know, I'm not feeling it or I'm not vibing with you.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: No, it just kinda it kind of just goes quiet and then you just move on to the next.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: So what you get ghosted?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I don't know if that would be considered ghosting.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: I probably do it too.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because honestly, I get tired like okay, if I give the man an opportunity multiple times to ask a question, and if he doesn't, then why would I keep this going?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we're just gonna end it, like as you should.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't feel like I need to tell him, hey, so you didn't ask me questions, so I'm gonna leave a star review.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: I honestly, if there was an app that I could create, feedback would be on there because that is such a good thing.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, one time I went on a date, we had to tell.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: And this guy, okay, so he changed like the place he wanted to go to was close, so he changed locations to another place, which made it a little further from me and it was raining.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't really feeling it, but I was like, you know what?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: We're dressed, we have makeup on, our hair's done.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let's let's go, right?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I go there.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: This guy just keeps talking, like constantly talking, talking, talking, talking to the point where I was just watching the basketball because we were at the bar.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I was just I was watching the basketball game because that was more exciting than him, right?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't good conversations, it was mostly like he was talking bad about his family and like his sibling, you know, just the whole everything.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so I was like, okay, I just feel like that's weird to tell someone that you don't know.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe he just needs a therapist.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I felt like, and so I was like, mm-hmm, not worth it for me.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: You should have left your therapist's car.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like, hey, go to her.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like, yeah, that's what I should have done.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: She gets paid for it, so go to her.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then the funny thing is, this man had the audacity to text me the next day saying he didn't feel it.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to be like, yeah, bro, what did you think was happening?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I should have left a long time ago, but that was really nice.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, dude.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so okay, since you told me about this date, I want to ask, I want to talk about money.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: Who paid for this dinner?
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: Or you know, drink?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: He did.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: At least that's constant, which I'm very happy about.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not always what, like, probably in the early 20s, that doesn't happen often.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: I think, like, as men are like in their 30s and above, they do offer to pay.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: I do offer my rule of thumb is if I'm never gonna see this man again, I will one time offer to pay my part.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: If he takes the bait, you don't owe him anything.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: If he takes the bait, then I know okay, never talk to me.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Removed from the list.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we tried it.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because I also think like you have to keep going on these dates to like stay fresh, right?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because then they get scary.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't go for a long time, they get so scary.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: But that seems like sort of a lot of things happening in your brain for a simple and fun night out of getting to know a person.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's never fun though.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: And it isn't cheap, apparently.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's not cheap because you gotta put so much, you gotta do hair, your makeup, your clothes, your shoes, and then you have to not sweat.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like this, so remember I pulled up to this plate that the same day I pulled up and I had straightened my hair and it was raining, and I was like, What did I do this for?
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: Why is the universe punishing me today?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like I was trying to be cute.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: So, but you know, what about safety?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: Because, you know, when let's say eight almost a decade ago, it was different.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: You know, the world was let it was a bit happier.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what the app if I'm using the right word anymore.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: It was more it was less chaotic.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's say this.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: It was less chaotic.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: But what about safety?
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: When I picture, you know, meeting a stranger from like an app, my mom brain goes into overdrive because you know, even now I I I know I'm meeting these new moms on my chat, chit chat groups, and I keep sharing my location to my husband, and then I drive, I drive an EV.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: So my husband has this app on his phone, so he knows where my car is parked in.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: So I just want to know, like, how does you know safety thing work?
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: So, I mean, most women I know, like we all have our system, we share locations.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: I have friends far away, like you that see my you just share your location with me.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I have other friends in other states that are like, why do I have it?
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I don't know, but if you need to know where I am.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: But then I also have people closer to me, like in my neighborhood, that like I also share my location with.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I could specifically say, like, hey, I'm going on a date tonight, so watch my location.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: But I always meet in public, like I never go.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: So another thing is I always go to the date myself.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: I don't let the person pick me up or like meet at their place.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: There was one time, actually.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: This is a funny story.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: There was one time that I was gonna go on a date with this guy, and he was like, You can park in my apartment complex, and then we could go somewhere, and I was like, Yeah, no, not happening.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Literally, because like you don't want to be put in a position where you can't leave.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: So uh it is, but you have to think about it, and then any guy that gives you any type of red flag, you have to like just accept it before the date that like maybe you shouldn't go on the date.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: You just don't go on every date that you're invited to, you know.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: So you bel you trust your instincts.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you have to, because men have a lot of red flags.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that is true.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: You're not gonna argue with that.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: As red, right?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: I mean very small population.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: And they just so happen to be single, not gay.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: So not gay, yeah.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Into women.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: First dates, like, does it usually take before you know you feel anything real or like how not first dates, like how many dates with that man or a woman does it take to feel anything real?
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like, okay, this can go somewhere.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's a good question.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Cause I don't know the answer.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because honestly, for me, like I've gone on so many first dates that never turn into second dates because I just know it's not worth my time, right?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: There's like certain things that men will do.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: For example, I went on this first date and this guy was so cheap, and it like gave me the biggest ick in the whole wide world.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm so just And you're a woman who must have showed up with like you know, Celine purse.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: So Well, yeah, probably.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I had my best whatever's on, you know.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was trying to look presentable, you know.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, you got you you bought it with your own money and you have every right to show off.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Come on.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: But it does fizzle um kind of fast, I feel the ones that there's some that after the first date, they're like kind of really pushy, and I don't like that.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: I also probably why I'm single, right?
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: So there's like you have your you have your you know list of things that you want, and there's nothing wrong with that.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: And like I so usually they fizzle out.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a handful that don't, but I've had a few successes, right?
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I date a few people off the apps, but that's it, really.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: So do you ever just want to quit the apps entirely?
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, every single day.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Don't tell me to delete the apps.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: Don't promise me with good time.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: I honestly sometimes I forget that I have them and that like when I Yeah, I remind you sometimes.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, sometimes you do remind me, and then I get on there and I'm like, ew, this is gross.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if I can't see your whole face, if I can't see your hair, if you don't smile, it's scary out there.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, that's another one.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of men do that nowadays.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: I don't understand.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like, why are you putting your sister if she's your sister?
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: Why are you putting your sister on a dating app?
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like, why is her face on a dating app in the first place?
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there's not there there's got to be a better photo of you.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: Just take some pictures, like how hard can it be?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Also smile.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I know crazy.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: But if you don't smile, I assume you have no teeth.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Fake teeth.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Or fake but I don't mind if you have fake teeth.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to know you have teeth.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like sometimes like some people don't smile because they either are missing a tooth and there's no but I would like to know beforehand.
• 16:33
  unknown: Okay.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: So this is the part where I'm gonna ask you questions like I just landed from another planet.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: You know, growing up, families got lubed in early, everyone kind of knew where things stood.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: How different does that feel from what you've got now?
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because the way that you just explained situationship kind of tells me that a not a lot of people tell their parents that they're kind of seeing someone anymore.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, actually, like I'm jealous of that because I think at my age there's zero accountability, so men just treat women poorly, and it's mostly because like obviously I know your mom does not know what you're doing, you know.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you're and she wouldn't approve of that.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: She wouldn't approve of that, exactly.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, I think it's like extremely free-spirited, so men do whatever they want, really, and nobody checks in.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so it's just two people alone deciding everything privately, which sounds free, but it's on a kind honestly kind of isolating.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: There is no version of the one that I just mentioned, like you know, families getting looped in or friends getting looped in pretty early on.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like, there's no so what's happening with this guy that you were just talking about?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_01: Kind of questions from your mom or your your friend who lives close by.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so usually my friends will know, like a little bit, like not too many details, right?
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: And my friends will ask, uh, but it's different.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: You do ask, yeah, but it's different, right?
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: I think like as I get older, my parents are just like, please find a husband.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like they don't really care how the husband comes, what what happens with the whole situation?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: They just like want grandchildren.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: That is all they want in life.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: They don't really care how the husband comes.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: They really don't.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know, back in the day, like my mom was like, When I gr when I graduated college, my mom was like, Okay, so find a husband.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, wait, but like all my life you told me to go to school, go to school, focus on school, and now I gotta find a husband.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody told me that.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: It was I you should have said, like, I thought that was your job.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: Well, so it's a little bit different because my parents were not in arranged marriage.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: They like that's not in my family, like most people are not in arranged marriage, so it's not normal.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but over the years I've kind of told her, like, okay, does does so and so have a son?
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hello, like, come on, and she's like, Oh, but like, what if y'all don't it doesn't match?
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't I'm like, well, you have to try, right?
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: So now I have my mom trying for me.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so now that we ventured a little bit into arranged setup, do you think you'd want an arranged setup?
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like, not arranged marriage, but arranged as in someone who knows you both, vouches and makes the introduction, like you know, maybe your mom, colleagues, sister, son, or some that of that, something of that sort.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, like a hundred percent yes.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because it takes like the it adds a security, I guess is the best way to say it to the person.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: So anytime anyone, and I'm sure I've said this to you too, whenever you you haven't really tried to match me with anyone, but people in my family are like, oh, we met this guy, whatever.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I always say, Okay, so give me one, like, what made you think of me?
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like, give me one reason you were talking to him and you thought Shada.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what's that?
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: What was that?
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: And they never have anything to say to that question.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, okay, but then why did you think of me if I'm just a a girl and he's just a boy, like that's not all we need, right?
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: Go ahead.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but it's it's so wild to hear that now because you know, when I was younger, I thought that whole, you know, arranging was very old fashioned.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_01: Trust me, I that's how I met my husband.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_01: So but hearing you say that you would want it now is kind of validating.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: I think that I will also would have said it's old fashioned, but I think as you get older, you kinda don't want to deal with the whole finding someone and like making sure they're vet them, right?
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like make sure they meet your friends, make sure they get along.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you already know my parents, like then you know the you know everything you need to know.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, I am the person who wets them for you.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: So that's why it's helpful when friends or family helps.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because then you kind of know, okay, so they felt like this was a good person, so he doesn't have major big red flags, right?
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, but I will tell you my version of it real quick, arranged, set up.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, but I met my husband because our families knew each other first.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_01: They were all there was already a built-in trust and uh, you know, said like word before we even said like word to word each other to each other, there's all a security blanket there because you know, my parents knew his parents.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_01: And what do you make of that coming from where you're coming?
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_01: Because you're also a first gen American to immigrant parents.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm an immigrant raising a first gen America uh daughter.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_01: So what do you what do you think of that?
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's good because it adds a filter, right?
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: So it's you're not like a hundred percent a stranger.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: So it takes out the fear of like, you know, are they a good person?
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: And you kind of have the foundation that you know that they're a good person.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now it's just a matter of do we get along, right?
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then you, you know, I mean, obviously no one's gonna be a hundred percent perfect.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: So then you They actually show up, which is good.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and they do show up.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: That is true.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: They do show up and they do pay, right?
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: Because you know they're trying to keep the good good uh impression with your parents and also their parents because they know they know the word will travel back to their parents.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't know about some of them I'm still scared of my mom.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm still scared of her too hey but I your mom has style.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_01: I I will I will say that but I'm still scared of her uh actually resented the whole arranged setup I I wanted the meat cute you know it took me years to appreciate what the structure gave me because you know honestly my husband is my true cheerleader so he you know him he he literally watches our daughter I mean some it's not babysitting he is a father he he he shares all the chores in the house he takes her to her appointments her classes and everything so I love it right now so yeah I think that um we grew up watching like sitcoms and so you probably think that's how dating is yeah like you know where Rachel just walked in yeah the uh you know the coffee shop in her wedding dress and then Ross was just like you know in awe like oh I don't know if that actually happens so maybe if I like date more that might actually happen.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_01: You think you know I think so it doesn't happen.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: But you know there are some people who have like these amazing meatcutes because I keep seeing this TikToks where this guy he stops people like couples walking the New York streets and he'll say like are you a couple and then they just tell their stories.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_01: They have such interesting stories shada but then again they've been married for like what 50 60 years so it's completely different but they have such cute encounters but you know it just I feel like the people of our age we grew up watching as you said the romantic setup and the comro rom coms you know 13 going on 30 and all those things so you know the meat cutes so yeah yeah but where does that leave you somewhere between the app world I don't want to say app thingy again and embarrass myself on the internet so or and watching more structure.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry I'm yeah I don't know I guess I wouldn't mind either right so um I'm pretty much in between I guess that's to answer your question because I wouldn't mind if a friend or family member introduced me to someone but the apps clearly are not the best place because I feel like I would have found someone by now I feel like we've you know used that avenue so and I think it like makes you lazy to use apps you know so somewhere in between.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: I think you should book a flight come to Boston I'll have the whole weekend planned for you I'll be your wingwoman the best the best advocate you know I will tell them all the things she bakes the most important she bakes I will look them dead in the eye with my white eyes and I'll be like she bakes dude all day every day if you ever need you have a request you want a French baguette she's your girl's gonna do it for you see and then that way it makes the like going on the date a little bit funner right like after that safe if you go with me I mean yeah it's always good to have a party I'm a mom I go on mama bear everywhere I go I don't think you have to worry I'm not gonna leave with anyone I'll be safe promise so I want to run some things by you it's kind of like a rapid fire myth versus reality.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_01: I will say what I assume is true in the dating world now which was I think which would probably be common like a decade ago which is when I was single you know you tell me whether it's myth or reality.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: All right so myth or reality everyone on the app just wants something casual.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: I think that it is a myth mostly um I think that most people I've talked to generally want something real it's just the format of the app makes it easier to keep your options open so they don't really want to make the decision to pick one person.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_01: That's a good qua good answer.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: Wow okay I'm impressed myth or reality your your generation is scared of commitment did I get a nerf I think we know the truth is that it's reality.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: In my opinion it's reality.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: Okay um let's deep dive into that I think it's because well it's kind of like less fear and more of what we've watched a lot of people around us go through like especially messy divorces bad relationships and we're just happy by ourselves in peace right I'll take you're quiet some days trust me listen sometimes it's so quiet here that I'm like maybe I should make some noise myth or reality texting all day means someone likes you.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's a myth okay because tell me more because um some of I feel like some of the people who are always texting when you get to the date they have nothing to talk about.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: Why is that what?
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: Why is that I don't know I wish I knew the answer to that question.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: Either they like have this facade so they're like texting a lot and so you think that like when you go on the date it's gonna like that date where the guy didn't ask a single question.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: Didn't even ask me how I am he kept talking right but during texting he did ask questions so I didn't know that he wouldn't ask a question in real life maybe he ran out of questions and he felt so comfortable with you that he just shared his life story.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to pope I'm trying to turn this around in a romantic angle but there is no romantic angle in this one I would love to be asked how was your day you know like obviously you're not gonna share everything about your day but you know at least you know oh yeah work was hectic I had so many meetings today it's just the superficial stuff yeah exactly but like it shows that you actually care to know you're interested yeah interest there you go I got to okay la a myth or reality it's easier to meet people in a big city than a small town my gosh these are tough questions I know I made them yeah so I think it's a myth because more options doesn't mean better options it just means people are gonna keep swiping left on you because they think there's someone else that's gonna be better.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: Oh wow so like if you're in a but yeah it's just that thought of like there's so many people out there so let me keep swipe swipe swipe or like they'll talk to you for a little bit and then like I said they disappear and it's mostly because they think there's someone better out there which obviously there isn't because there's so many options right it's the psychological thing human psychology.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_01: You know this dialogue in Grace Anatomy of the stupidity of human race who says that Dr.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_01: Bailey says that any Grace Anatomy fans out there so the stupidity of human race seriously that is the stupidity of human race all right last one myth or reality uh okay so you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the right person.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: I in my experience I would say reality no because unfortunately I've had to go through a lot of frogs and hopefully I will find the right person one day.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah I wish there's a shortcut all right so we're gonna summarize this for someone who isn't you know dating right now uh married or otherwise what would you want them to actually take away I would love for them to understand that it's not as simple as just getting on the apps because I'm tired of people telling me get on the apps, go to places it's not that easy.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a real skill to try to filter for the people who are actually serious and protect your like peace, right?
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: And your energy in the process and then not take someone not choosing you right too personally.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_01: Half here and half their personalities.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah but it you always have to think of it as it's just not my person.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that I'm a bad person.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's just that we're not a good match.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_01: So for anyone listening who is single and in the thick of it just like you are right now, what would you say?
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: I would say that you're not doing it wrong.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: The system itself is just harder than it used to be um and it feels exhausting.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's because it is and I'm here to tell you that and it's not because you're doing something wrong.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_01: All right yeah and just so I am telling you guys I I do want Shayda to go on dates and I do want Shayda to meet men in the safest way possible.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I will be inviting her to Boston and taking her to every place I know.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_01: So if you guys have any recommendations for places in Boston where she can meet some single men let me know because I have no idea where to take her and yes we need all the good places for the single over 30 men.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yes take notes people all right I would love to hear from listeners on this one.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_01: If you're dating right now or you met your person a totally different era tell us how it compares.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_01: Send us a message we want to read them on the next episode.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yes please I want to know I'm not the only one out here.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_01: So that's it for today thanks for sitting through my ridiculous questions Shayda they weren't ridiculous half of them I don't even have good answers for myself.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_01: You did great but we have got more coming you guys because this is just part one of Shayda's dating series so make sure you're following the show for what's next.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure you ladies have some unhinged dating stories just like me.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you want us to have a good laugh together don't hesitate to email your stories to DifferentLives samethoughts at gmail.com and we'll share the absolute crazy dates on our socials and we promise it's anonymous because it is a no judgment zone.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_00: I really can't wait to hear what y'all think of this one.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_01: Follow the show and don't forget to subscribe and follow us on Instagram DLSD Podcast so you don't miss us too much.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_01: See you next time