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172. The Secret to Relationships · Impact Ready

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  Welcome to Impact Ready, a show dedicated to helping you elevate
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  your impact in the world. I'm Steph Safra, your host.
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  Let's explore the power of showing up with intention and
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  energy each day. This is for those who seek to
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  make life truly meaningful. Get ready for impact.
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  Hello, welcome to the Impact Ready podcast.
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  I'm so glad you're here. In this episode today, we're
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  going to talk about one of the things that improves our
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  relationships. We talk a lot about
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  relationships on this show because, well, it's one of the
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  ways in which we have impact in the world.
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  Our relationships are crucial to us.
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  Feeling connected to other people, having a good rapport
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  with other people, having close friends and deep quality
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  connections. It's so important Without them,
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  without those connections, we feel lonely.
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  We feel isolated, depressed, apathetic, and all of that stuff
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  has a negative influence on our ability to create an awesome
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  life. It has a negative influence on
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  our ability to thrive. That's why we talk about this.
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  So we address relationships and how to create quality
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  relationships often, and today we're going to talk about one of
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  the things that allows us to have relationships that endure.
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  I often think about what makes a relationship last.
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  What has a relationship crumble? Why is it that some marriages
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  last like 50-60 years and others only make it 5?
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  I think about this a lot. There's a social psychologist
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  named Harry Reese and he published a paper in 2007 that
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  was exploring this very idea. It was this idea of how can you
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  create the right circuitry for a successful relationship.
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  This specific paper was called Steps Toward the Ripening of
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  Relationship Science, which is kind of a mouthful.
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  But it turns out that this paper was incredibly important because
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  one of the main ideas that came out of the paper, an idea that
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  was pretty provocative in this world of research at the time,
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  was that our relationships are stronger when we perceive that
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  our partners are responsive to us.
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  Reese calls it perceived partner responsiveness, and in the paper
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  he talked about three things that supported this.
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  The first one was understanding. Basically, my partner knows how
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  I see myself and what's important to me.
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  The second one was validation. My partner respects who I am and
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  what I want. And the last thing was caring.
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  My partner takes active and supportive steps to help me meet
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  my needs. Understanding, validation, and
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  caring. Those are the keys to
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  responsiveness and the keys to a loving, connected relationship.
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  Now all of that makes sense to me, and I'm sure that you can
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  imagine this, but let's give an example.
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  An example of responsiveness would be your partner walks in
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  the door after a long day of work.
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  They're clearly distraught, and the responsive reaction would be
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  to immediately look up, put down your phone, and walk across the
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  room to them. Ask them what's going on.
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  That's responsiveness. Now imagine a situation in which
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  that person was not responsive. Your partner walks in the door
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  after a long day of work. They're clearly distraught and
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  you don't even notice. You're staring at your phone.
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  Your body's turned away from them.
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  There's no eye contact. You don't say hello.
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  You don't even look up at them. Now you can imagine what this
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  feels like. You can imagine the scene.
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  You might have seen it in your own life.
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  You might have experienced some kind of a situation like this.
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  It might have been that somebody was not listening to you when
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  you were talking about something that you really cared about.
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  It could have been that you needed a hug or some sort of
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  soothing touch because you were upset about something and that
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  person with you didn't reach out.
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  We've all had these little situations in life where we
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  didn't feel cared for or understood or validated.
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  And the importance of responsiveness extends way
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  beyond an intimate relationship or a marriage.
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  This stuff is important between work colleagues, or between a
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  boss and their team member, or between a parent and their kid.
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  Hell, it's even important for everyday interactions with
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  people that you don't even know. Responsiveness is one of the
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  ways that we create moments that matter.
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  And when we miss the chance to respond, we just miss the chance
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  to create impact with that person or in that circumstance.
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  I'll give you an example. When I was working in the
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  clinic, we run a pretty tight schedule.
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  We see three to four patients an hour and we see patients on the
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  15th. So that means that we're taking
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  somebody on the hour at the 15, at the 30, and at the 45.
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  A lot of times The thing is you're dealing with humans who
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  are interacting with the outside world.
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  So it's pretty common that either a patient is late to
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  their appointment because of their own schedule or traffic or
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  whatever is happening on the roads out there, or a patient
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  that you're working with requires a little bit more care
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  or attention. And so you're running late,
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  you're running over that 15 minute slotted time.
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  So then you're in a situation where you have patients waiting
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  out in the lobby wondering when you're going to come and get
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  the. And this is where I learned a
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  lot about responsiveness very early on.
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  Early on in my days, I would go out to the waiting room and go
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  get the patient. Even if I was late, I wouldn't
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  acknowledge the lateness because what we're often taught is not
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  to acknowledge. The mistake is to not give
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  attention to it because you don't want to focus on it.
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  But I learned very early on that that was not the right move.
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  Because when a practitioner comes out to get a patient and
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  they're 15 to 20 minutes behind and they don't acknowledge that
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  to the patient, that's not being responsive.
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  Absolutely not. And guess what?
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  It creates instant friction between the patient and the
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  practitioner because the patient is pissed they had to wait.
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  And that practitioner isn't even acknowledging that they had to
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  wait and that they're a little put out by it.
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  So what I learned very early is that you need to respond to the
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  situation at hand. You have to acknowledge what's
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  happening so that that patient or that person in front of you
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  feel seen. And so when I could, I would
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  always go out into the waiting room before I could grab them
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  and say, hey, I'm running a little behind.
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  I see you waiting here. I'm so sorry that we're running
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  behind. I'm going to do my best to get
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  you in here as quickly as we can.
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  There's water over there. If you need anything, the front
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  desk is here for you. I'll be right out as soon as I
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  can. And they were often so
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  appreciative. They were like, oh, yeah, no
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  problem. I understand.
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  Like, that's just life. There's a lot of traffic out
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  there. It would instantly diffuse the
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  situation because I had seen that person.
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  I had acknowledged them, We'd addressed the fact that this
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  wasn't an ideal situation, and I let them know that I was going
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  to take care of them as quickly as I could.
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  That's what responsiveness is. And does it increase your
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  impact? Hell yeah, it does.
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  It builds a better relationship between you and another person.
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  It builds rapport. It builds trust.
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  There's mutual respect that exists in that space.
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  Now, let's think about the opposite of this.
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  There's been a lot of times where I've been in a patient
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  situation where I'm the patient, or I've been with a patient
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  waiting in the lobby of a doctor's office, and that doctor
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  might be 2530 even 45 minutes late.
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  Yes, this has actually happened to me.
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  And in one particular instance, when the doctor was 45 minutes
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  late, they came in the room and they didn't even acknowledge the
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  fact that they were 45 minutes late.
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  They just launched into asking questions and talking about lab
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  work and of course I was pissed off.
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  I've been waiting for 45 minutes in a tiny beige clinical room
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  and nobody had come in to say like, hey, the doctor's running
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  late. Nobody had given me any
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  explanation or a sense of when I could expect them to come in.
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  There was just a complete lack of responsiveness.
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  And later I thought about how I felt after that appointment.
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  I actually really like this physician, and we have a great
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  relationship. But I'm going to be honest, that
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  instance broke down trust between us.
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  It changed the way that I saw them and how I felt about them a
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  little bit because they hadn't shown responsiveness.
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  Think about it another way. Have you ever been on the phone
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  with Verizon or a cable company? Often times when you call these
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  places, it's not just once that you have to talk to somebody.
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  It's usually two or three times that you have to call back and
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  sort out whatever the issue is. Often times whoever the
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  representative is says I'm taking notes about this
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  conversation and I'm usually like, great.
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  It makes me feel like they're paying attention.
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  It makes me feel like they care and I'm stoked about it, but if
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  you hang up and then you have to call back and get on the line
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  with a second representative, how often is it that they don't
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  even mention the fact that you've called before, that you
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  had just called an hour earlier, that you've had issues with this
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  service before, that you've been working really hard on getting
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  this all sorted out? Not often.
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  They don't often acknowledge any of that.
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  They're not showing responsiveness.
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  Often times they make you say all the same information again.
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  And it's one of the most frustrating experiences of our
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  life. If you've ever had a call
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  Verizon, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
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  But in the rare occurrence that you get somebody who answers the
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  phone and says hello, Miss Saffer, I can see that you've
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  called multiple times. I see that you've been working
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  to find a solution to this for a long time.
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  I have all your notes here. And I just want you to know I'm
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  going to help you sort through this as quickly as we can
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  because I can see that you spent a lot of time on this.
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  Boom, That's responsiveness. That actually happened to me.
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  And guess what? I was instantly on this person's
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  team. I wasn't mad anymore.
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  I was cheering this person on. I was in it to win it with them.
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  And it was all because of the way that they responded to me.
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  They acknowledged what I'd been through.
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  They demonstrated understanding. They validated the struggle, and
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  they expressed true care about finding a solution.
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  That's how you have impact and when you can master the art of
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  responsiveness in your relationships, not only with
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  your loved ones but also the people that you interact with on
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  a daily basis, you become an exponentially more powerful
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  version of yourself. Trust me, if you try this, if
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  you work on this, you will notice a major change.
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  So my challenge to you this week is to think about how can I
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  become more responsive? In what relationships can I show
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  a little bit more understanding or validation or caring?
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  This matters so much when it comes to having positive
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  connections with people that matter to us.
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  Not only does it make the relationship and the connection
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  stronger, but it makes you feel more peace, more joy, and more
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  fulfillment every single day. That's what life's about.
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  That's what we really want. So I hope that this conversation
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  feels helpful. I hope this is something you
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  feel that you can test out this week.
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  As always, thank you for being here and for listening to the
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  show. I appreciate you and thank you
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  for being ready to Impact Team. Thanks for listening to Impact
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  Ready. I hope today's episode inspired
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  you to own your impact and recognize that you are powerful.
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  By elevating our energy and awareness, we can create
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  exponential change in this life. If you enjoyed today's insights,
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  share them with a friend and subscribe to the show for more.
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  I truly appreciate you. Thanks again for being here.