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Overcoming Trauma to be a Present Father · The Mentor Sessions

• Speaker 2: This is the Justin Kerner podcast for mentor sessions and Justin, thanks for joining me today. Why don't you go ahead and start and tell me a little about yourself. Speaker 1: So as you said, my name is Justin Kerner. I'll be 44 years old this June. I'm a transplant here to Idaho. I guess I was born in Weiser in 82. And in 84, we moved to Las Vegas. And I spent 17 years in Las Vegas. And we moved back here to Idaho to Fruitland in 1999. And I finished out my high school career at Fruitland High School. Graduated in 2000, went up to the University of Idaho. I joined a fraternity, Alpha Tau Omega, the ATOs. And I got a little too into the party scene. Didn't really focus on my studies all too much. And then my grandfather died and I kind of just disappeared. I didn't go to class. I didn't show up. Buried myself in the bottle of a bottle, which that's a... That was a pretty good way I dealt with most of my stuff in my early days. ⁓ University of Idaho ended up kicking me out. Or they gave me what they call amnesty. I could go back and retake that semester. But instead I chose to just leave. ⁓ from there I went and I did odd jobs and worked until I found the Marine Corps. After that, I found what I was good at. I spent 12 years in the Marines infantry, 0311. I did a couple stints as a marksmanship instructor, marksmanship instructor trainer. From there, I moved back into the infantry and then went on a couple more deployments and we can touch on that too. Once I got out of the Marine Corps, I moved back to Idaho due to... I chose being a present father over being a Marine. Speaker 2: So are your kids born when you were in them? Speaker 1: Yeah, all three of them. so my kids are definitely considered military brats. My oldest daughter, who will be 20 this year, she was born at Hill or Hill Air Force Base in Utah. I know it well. Only because while I was deployed, that's where her mom's family lives. So they were staying with her parents when she was born. My my son was born in Camp Lejeune. North Carolina and my youngest daughter was born in Camp Pendleton, California. Speaker 2: So were you back training at Pendleton at that time? ⁓ Speaker 1: When my daughter was born in Pendleton, yes, I was with 2nd Battalion, 4th Marines. And I missed the deployment there due to ⁓ medical mishap. I got a vasectomy from the Naval Hospital and it didn't exactly go the way it should have. So I wasn't medically able to go to Afghanistan. So I missed my Afghan deployment. And I honestly think that's the only reason I'm probably sitting here talking to you. So we'll give that to God. But once I, ⁓ so when the, when two four deployed, they put me ⁓ in a remain behind element and I chose to go TDU to 29 Palms and I was a coyote out there at CACS and I trained and evaluated the sniper units that were getting ready to go to. Speaker 2: For those of us who don't know what that means, any help? Well, I know what a PDU is, but... Speaker 1: to help us out. Like TDU or. Oh, a coyote is what they call the instructor trainers out at CAX, which is I don't know if it's still called that, but it is a combined arms exercises. OK. And what that is is. Every infantry unit in the Marine Corps before they deploy have to go through CAX, they have to go through this combined arm exercise, and it's a. four week course and you're in there and you're in the desert of 29 palms and the line units go do their stuff so the infantry guys go do their training, the snipers go do their training, the mortarmen and they just separate everybody and then you come back in for the final push where you simulate like an entry into a town and you come in all together and you do one op. ⁓ So what I did is I would show up at 2 33 a.m. And I would have to go locate the sniper units. They were supposed to give us 10 digit grids. And if you know anything about snipers or any long range shooters, they're a comical group of individuals. So there were times where it was a Marco, a game of Marco Polo. Like, and what it ended up being as, okay, if you guys don't tell me where you're at, I'm gonna fail you. Usually by then they would they would put a private up to stand up and red light and That is where I let me It does but a lot of it was is they wouldn't give you the correct tangent of grid Is it was just they were just screwing with you ultimately so it was like okay You either tell me where you're at or we can't do this But I got to I got to learn a lot about long-distance shooting through them. ⁓ I was a designated marksman with with my units as well Speaker 2: they're doing a good job if you can't find them. Speaker 1: ⁓ And then from there, I came up to the end of my enlistment and my now ex-wife and children's mom moved back to Payette where she's from. And I knew it wasn't going to last very much longer. It was a pretty rocky, rocky marriage, rocky relationship. And I just, I had to make that choice. I could either stay in the Marine Corps or I could get out and be present for my kids. my stepfather was present for me, my biological father was not. And I never wanted that for my kids. And it was always, ⁓ I've lived my entire life trying not to be like my biological father. ⁓ I spent a lot of my life trying to emulate my stepfather. He's a very good man. He owns his own, or... He owned his own business. He worked for a very, very, very well-known ⁓ construction company in Las Vegas when we were there. And when they finally decided to get out of the Las Vegas area and move back here, where both his parents and my mom's parents are Idaho people, ⁓ he came up here and in 1999, he started his own company and went from there and... I've always watched him and I just wanted to be like, not necessarily be like him because I have no desire to do construction, but the way he handled himself and the way he treated people and the way he would talk to his subcontractors and everything. And that was the earliest stages of where I learned how to treat other human beings. ⁓ Very seldomly did I see him get angry. ⁓ Now granted they were, they were 60s 70s adults They didn't really talk about feelings So there wasn't a lot of that kind of discussion in our in our house grown up ⁓ My memories could be skewed I have a lot of head trauma But I don't really remember Like I love yous and hugs and stuff like that which which sounds kind of soft But I make it a point like I tell my kids I love them every day. I give them hugs every day I make sure they know that no matter how hard I am on the outside and how hard I am on them because I want them to be good people, that I'm there and they can come to me and talk to me about anything. Speaker 2: It's kind of sad that saying, I love you to your kids or hearing it, actually hearing it from a parent, a father figure or whatever, hearing those words is considered soft. Like why that matters to us so much. And people are like, ⁓ he shows you he loves you. And it's like, true, I get that. But it's that vocal affirmation that, hey, I'm thinking about you. I see you. and love you and I'm grateful for you and what who you are to me. I don't think it's as soft as it should be, but we've really turned it into being soft and I don't think it really needs to be soft. Speaker 1: I think a lot of it is, is ⁓ like growing up, we were taught men, don't have feelings. And especially as a Marine, you don't have feelings. You're a hammer. That's what you do. Right. And ⁓ I struggled with that for a long time, like a long time. And ⁓ it took lots of therapy and a lot of unpacking trauma that wasn't necessarily from the Marine Corps. And it was more from The way I saw things growing up and the way I handled situations, I had to genuinely rewire my brain and the way I thought about things. And I apologize to my kids daily, because I wasn't the nicest dad when they were younger. And they had to go through and see the fighting and the yelling and the screaming with their mom. And I've made it a very, very big point to to with my current wife to show them what love looks like and what positive love looks like. ⁓ We went through a situation recently where my youngest daughter who is 14, she'll be 15 at the end of this month, she chose to go live with her mom full time. And it happened while she was at our house. She had gotten in trouble for not cleaning her room, doing something very simple that we asked her to. And I had got home from work, walked upstairs, she was laying in bed and nothing had been done. And I will be 100 % honest, I did lose my stuff a little bit. And I yelled at her. I said, when I get home from the gym, we'll finish this conversation. Well, went to the gym, came home and she was gone. I'm like, okay, so I messaged her mom and her mom said, yeah, she messaged me and she said she didn't feel safe. Now, if it was the old me, I would completely understand because I would fly off the handle. I would get loud. ⁓ Never have I laid my hands on my kids, but I would be scary. And ⁓ this time it wasn't like that. I stayed relatively calm. did raise my voice, but I was standing in the doorway. I never made it into her bedroom. So her mom came and got her. And that was almost two months ago. I think I've heard from her three times in two months and all three times. It wasn't a very fun conversation. And I just, I love you. I hope that you're happy. I wish you would have talked to me because if this is what you wanted, we could have facilitated that. Because all I want for my kids to be happy. They don't have to live with me. I don't have to live through my children. I have my life. I do my things. But I want them to be happy and know that they're allowed to be happy. So that's been a huge, it it hurt. and it put me down for a bit. And I just, I've had to tell myself like, no matter what, she's safe. She has a roof over her head, she has food. She's getting to school, everything is fine. She hasn't cut herself off from anybody else but me and my wife and our home. She still talks to her older brother and sister who... go back and forth to that well, the oldest lives with us now. But my son still goes back and forth every other week. So she still talks to them. She still texts ⁓ her stepbrother and sister. She still goes out and sees my parents and her cousins and stuff. So she hasn't cut herself off. She's just cut herself off from me. And then I figure it's probably the age she's at and you just kind of roll with it. lot of it is what it is. I probably should get that tattooed somewhere because it's it's definitely a go-to in in my everyday life. It is what it is. You can't fix it. You can't change it. So I just make it a point every couple of days. I text her and say I love you and I hope everything's going well and sometimes. Speaker 2: If you could tell her something right now, what would you tell her? Speaker 1: So if she were to listen to this, what I would say is, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for losing my temper. But no matter what, I love you. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter what happens. That love is always going to be there. And she's and I've told her she's welcome back anytime. I know it'll be stressful for a little bit because you have to put that puzzle back together. You know, the box got shaken. Yeah. And. And I tell her that, I've told her that. It hurts me as a dad, but I see it hurts my wife because she's been a part of their life for seven years. Her kids have been a part of their life for seven years. And I can see how it hurts her kids because now we're one kid down. my older two are 16 and 20. Her kids are... 13 and eight. And then my daughter will be 15. And it's just, it's kind of thrown a loop for the household. It's something we've learned and we're learning to deal with it day by day. ⁓ Hey, that's a small town. So, so we do see her in passing, but it's, it's, there's a lot of tension there. And I think time, time will tell. I've had my 20 year old sit me down and she's like, There were times when I was that age that I wanted to run away. She goes, but I didn't. She also, she sat me down and told me the same thing. She's like, I moved in with you for a reason. Because I've seen who's there for me. Who supports me. Not because you have to, but because you're proud of me. And that's pretty much what I try to do. And I've told my kids over and over again, I said, I will never try to live through you. I'm never gonna push you to do something that you don't want to do. Like my son, he plays soccer. And he's an amazing soccer player. And I was, but he, but he loves watching us play football, but he doesn't want to play football. And I said, that's fine. I said, I'll do whatever I can. Cause he wants to get a D1 scholarship and play soccer in college. And I said, you put the effort in and I'll do whatever I can on my part to get scouts to come watch you. Cause not a lot of scouts come to pay at Idaho. Right. It's pay it. ⁓ I did the same thing for my oldest daughter. She played volleyball and she was an amazing volleyball player. And her senior year she gave it up and I had scouts coming from a few different schools to watch her and I had to call them and be like, I apologize, but she's chosen not to pursue this course of action. But she went to nail school. She graduated from nail school about two months ago and she has a seat at a shop in fruitland and she works for Dutch brothers. So she's pursuing what she wants to do. ⁓ My son plays soccer and It's just you just have to be there for them and show them that you're there for them, not for you. And and like I've told him to, it's like, I don't expect you to come to the games. I know there are Saturdays. Most of some of them are early. I said, so if you show up that that that makes me feel good. But if you don't, I understand. I understand that you guys have your own lives. My wife will always be there. You may, Eli. Eli's always going to be there. Yeah. And the littles, they love coming to watch. Jason is, he just turned 13 last Sunday and he's been in my ear about he wants to join the military. And so we've been talking about that and trying to figure out what route he wants to go. I won't let him join the Marine Corps. it's, it's nothing against, no, it's a lot. he, he's a very kindhearted kid and I don't want to see him lose that. Because the me that I was when I left is not the me that came back. Speaker 2: Well, wouldn't you think a lot of that had to do with, I mean, how many deployments did you say you had? Speaker 1: four four deployments to our wreck. Speaker 2: Do think a lot of that had to do with those deployments and what you saw and experienced? Speaker 1: 100%. I will say, and it's really hard to say that I got out of the Marine Corps in 2012 and it's now 2026. And my mom and dad still have no idea what I did over there. Yeah. They don't want to hear about it. See, and I'm on the point where I would love for them to know. Because I think it would make them understand me a little bit better. and why I am the way that I am now and why I handle situations the way that I do. Speaker 2: of the mindset that as much as we try to explain that to people are traumas. They just, because they didn't live that trauma, they don't get it. You can say, this is what I did. This is where I was, but it comes to a point where it's just noise. ⁓ you know, some of the experiences, some of the experiences in my life that I had, I don't. Speaker 1: Yeah. Speaker 2: remember much of the ages from 12 to 14 because of what was going on in my life right then. And my brother who was right there beside me all that he loves to say, Hey, do you remember when we did? I'm like, Nope. And it wasn't until my family moved to Idaho and we start, I started being more integrated into the school community playing football. That a lot of that, those walls broke down. because it was okay to remember those things again. It was okay to remember that time in my life again. And I tell this funny story, but ⁓ my oldest sister was a big fan of ⁓ C. Thomas Howell, the actor. And she used to have a bedroom wall that was all those pictures from Team Beat and Tiger Beat and all those things. And one day I was watching Red Dawn and I saw see Thomas Allen I was like grabbed my phone and I text my sister and I was like, Hey, didn't you have pictures of this dude all over your wall? And she's like, yeah. And it just hit us both like how much that silly memory meant to me because it was remembering during those times when I can't remember a lot. And it's just something so silly like that. And Speaker 1: Great. Speaker 2: You can talk. That's why I think like vet support groups, you can talk to them and tell them about your deployments. And they're like, I get it. Speaker 1: Yeah, I have I've got a pretty tight knit group of vet buddies that we check on each other quite frequently. Yeah. And we'll we'll rehash things and some of them were were deployed with me. Some of them were not. Some of where I met well after the Marine Corps, but they're Marines as well. And if obviously you know about the Marines, once a Marine, always a Marine and your brother's with everybody. Anybody that wears the EGA is your brother. Yeah. I actually had to explain it to one of the guys I work with and he made it as a joke, but he saw a truck drive by with a Marine Corps sticker on it. He goes, there goes your brother. And he goes, yeah. I said, I bet you if we stopped and within five minutes him and I would be friends. And we don't know each other, but we have that bond because we were the EGA. Speaker 2: And that's not on the scale of being deployed and stuff like that. But that's how I feel when I come in contact with other cops or retired cops. Speaker 1: I think it goes in this, it's the same aspect, right? It's that brotherhood, that bond that you build with the brothers to your left and to your right. Or sisters, because obviously there are female law enforcement officers. We didn't have female infantry, but it's you build that bond and you rely on them to protect you and they rely on you to protect them. And I feel like I bring that into my everyday life now. And a lot of it is You're on high alert all the time, matter what. It's something that doesn't go away. Speaker 2: It doesn't. And it's it's kind of that was one of the things when I retired. When I was on the job. That hyper sense was good. You squared away your keyed in. When I retired from law enforcement, and I'm still amped up like that. It was like, okay, you know, my my wife and daughter who my daughter was living with us at the time. They were like, dude, you need help. There's something going on. and uncovering those layers of trauma and stuff I didn't realize. And until you've been in therapy and you start going through trauma work, you don't really realize how much is there to unpack. You know, my, my best friend, ⁓ when I was on the job, he was, he lost his Sergeant, ⁓ out on the road and he was the first one to find them. and. He was messed up for a long time. And, you know, I'd always like, Hey, let's go out, let's go do this. And you could just see the pain in him. And I kept saying like, dude, I don't know what you're going through, but I'm here for you. And it wasn't until he found a group that's called cops concerns of police survivors. And he went to a camp where he ⁓ met other survivors in these same positions ⁓ that he finally found out like, ⁓ I'm not alone. I don't have to suffer this alone. And I think with trauma so much, we end up feeling like we have to suffer this alone. Like we can't, we don't want to put it on our wife and kids, but we do when it comes out in other ways, it comes out in our rage. comes out in our withdrawing from our family. Some people that comes out through addiction, ⁓ all the different forms of addiction. And we don't want to put that on people, but sadly it does. Cause we're sitting there trying to bottle up. being strong or being men. We're not sharing our feelings. They're all begging us. Hey, what's going on with you, dad? What's going on with you, honey? You know our wives and I'm fine. I'm fine. It is what it is. Speaker 1: It is what it is. I've taken. Because I had younger kids and as they get older, It's crazy because ours are getting older. But I've taken to explaining it. By asking them if they know what nitroglycerin is. And usually they don't. So I explained what nitroglycerin and it's a highly volatile compound that a little bit. Speaker 2: I explain. do that. They do. Speaker 1: will blow up a lot. And that is how I have explained my anger to them is what happens is I bottle it up and I bottle it up and I try to stay calm and I try to level. I said, but eventually that bottle tips over and it's when that bottle tips over that the explosion happens and the rage comes out because there's nowhere else for it to go. And it was it was hard because just a couple of nights ago I had a moment like that. ⁓ Our youngest son is struggling in school. He's extremely smart, but he struggles with the school part of it. The work and stuff. So he's got a lot of missing assignments. But you still have to graduate. You gotta make it through. You gotta do what you gotta do. And after you finish, go do what you wanna do. Go be you. I said, you have to get through it. Well, he was... not getting through it and I kind of lost it on him and my wife had to pull me aside and she's like hey It seems like what happens is once that bottle tips over, you lash out at the first person that is in front of you that upsets you. And I had to take a step back. I did. I went outside and I sat on my front porch for 45 minutes trying to figure my life out because I was like, she's right. Yeah. And then when someone humbles you like that. It's hard. And so I sat out there for a little bit and I came back in and I apologized and I apologized to her for yelling and I apologized to Jason for yelling at him and I said. I said, I'm never going to be a ⁓ soft dad. I don't have that in me, I don't think, because I've tried and it just never works. I said, but here's the thing, if I ever stop talking to you or if I stop wanting you to be better, that's when you should probably start worrying because I've written you off, because I don't think you're going to be able to do it. I said, so if I'm on you and I want you to be better and I'm trying to get you to be better, I do it out of love. I love you. I want to see you succeed. And that's why I'm so hard on you. And I'm... My whole family calls me a prickly cactus. I'm spiky on the outside, but once you get past all that, I'm an extremely loving, caring human being. Speaker 2: Well, from my interactions with you, I'll tell you, you definitely have a very guarded shell. And that's why I've been so interested to sit down and have this talk with you on this format is Speaker 1: you Speaker 2: I like to find out what got people to where they were and who helped them along the way. ⁓ And I don't see it as prickly. ⁓ Speaker 1: Yeah. guarded was a good way to describe it. Speaker 2: Yeah, just guarded like, okay. You want in. Speaker 1: Why? Speaker 2: Are you going to come in and hurt me? Like, and I get that way a lot too, with people it's like, why do you want in? Speaker 1: I've let people in and it's ended badly and I it it takes time. Yeah, it definitely takes time. ⁓ There was there was a like time in my life where I was openly giving myself and being just taken advantage of. And I I did I built walls to get through and not have that ever happen again. And I consistently work on trying to take him down. but don't think it'll ever be taken down totally. And it saddens me to say that out loud, but I don't think it will. Speaker 2: think that it needs to be taken down totally. I think it just needs to be. being able to spot who's there for what reason, if that makes sense. And that's hard. That's hard for one, to have been through shit. And it's hard for just people in general to like. Speaker 1: Okay. Speaker 2: you know, this person isn't going to hurt me. You mentioned something earlier. I kind of wanted to circle back to you. talked about when your grandfather passed, ⁓ you just quit trying and you just found the bottom of the bottle. Speaker 1: there. I did. Speaker 2: Tell me about that. Speaker 1: So you talk about mentors and ⁓ if I had to look back. He was the one that would I would say was my biggest mentor. And it was because he stepped up when my when his son didn't. The way custody worked with with myself and between him and my mom was. I lived with my mom full time, my mom had full. ⁓ Full custody pretty much, and he got. three weeks in the summer. So we moved to Las Vegas and he stayed in Idaho and he was never ever in Idaho. But ⁓ my grandparents were in Idaho. They owned, before they passed away, they owned a ranch up in Weezer. ⁓ So I would come up for three weeks every summer and it was where I would get to see them because he was never around. And when he was around, it wasn't healthy. toxic because he was a drinker, he's an alcoholic, passed that gene on to me. That's why I choose to drink very seldomly now. But my grandfather is the one, like I remember clear as day, if you leave this house after work, you shower, put on clean pants and a clean shirt because you never know who you're going to run into. And to this day, it's why I put myself together the way I do whenever I leave the house. ⁓ He also instilled in me it pays to be a good person and it pays to know people. And I've tried to pass that on to everybody I come into contact with. And the way I took that was, is if you're a good person, people are gonna help you. If you know people, you can reach out to them if you're in need, if you need something. So I've built with as guarded as I am, I've... built on what my grandfathers taught me. He taught me work ethic. He would get me up at 3 a.m. to go feed cows. And then we would come in and have lunch with my grandma. And then we'd go back out and move water lines. he, for my entire youth, that's what I did in the summer. And I think that's one of the reasons why I do so well. I have struggled holding jobs since getting out of the Marine Corps. Just because mentally sometimes it's, I'm not all there. But no matter what job I'm in, give my all. I put everything down. I leave it all on the table and I go home and I come back and I do it again the next day. Because my parents didn't give me gas money. I had to earn it. And I had to give up playing high school sports to go work because the rule my parents had were, we'll pay for your clothes, we'll buy your shoes, but it's what we want you to wear. If you want to go and wear what you want to wear, you got to pay for it. And at 16 years old, I weighed that decision and I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be the cool kid. wanted to wear the Tommy Hill figure and this dates me right now. Right. And all the stuff that they were wearing back then. So I went out and I got a job and I worked full time. Well, after school. But I worked from after school until 10 o'clock. And I had to give up football. gave up baseball. When we moved back here, it was a little bit easier. So I picked football back up and I was a punter in high school and ⁓ played a little DB and a little wide receiver when I was younger and I could actually move around a little bit quicker. ⁓ But I gave up baseball and baseball was my sport and I gave it up for good and I didn't pick it up, pick it back up here, but My grandfather, his name's Milton Kerner, he was the first person that ever showed me how to be a man. How to stand up, how to keep your head up no matter what, and how to treat people respectfully. And the way he did that was he would take me with him everywhere. We would go to the feed store, we would go to the cattle auctions, we would do all that stuff together. And it was just, he was the one man that was there. My stepdad was there as well, but he worked. He was always at work. He would be gone when we went to school and he wouldn't get home until right before we went to bed. And I look back now and I appreciate him for doing that. And I tell him, because I don't make it easy for him. And I... Just being an angry kid, holding all that anger towards my biological father and instead of letting it go, instead of talking about it, I nitroglycerin'd it. I pushed it down, pushed it down, pushed it down, and then I would lash out. I would lash out at my mom. I would lash out at my stepdad. I was just an angry, angry child. And it wasn't until, I would say probably after I got out of the Marine Corps and my first suicide attempt that I got help and I started to unpack all the layers and like obviously we started with the Marine Corps and all the stuff that I saw while I was there but then it turned into like we started unpacking personal stuff and I ⁓ my defense mechanism is comedy like I try to make light and be funny and my therapist and that's the only therapist that has ever helped me. She looked me dead in the eye and she said, if you do not take this seriously, I will no longer see you. And I think that was the smack in the face I needed because after that I did exactly what she asked me to do. I worked through everything. I did all the writing and all of the worksheets and all of the stuff that she wanted me to do and come to find out it actually works. And I was a huge proponent of therapy. Therapy's stupid. Therapy... It'll never work. It doesn't work. It doesn't work to talk because nobody listens. She listened. Speaker 2: And that's one of the things that... I think it ties into that the way we're Like, ⁓ if I talk about this, nobody wants to listen what I have to say. And because we were told, shut up about it, let it go, move along, bury it. Speaker 1: We were bedroom kids. Our kids are living room kids. read that the other day and it hit me. We were we were raised as bedroom kids. Just go to your room. Be quiet. Seen and not heard. Yeah. My kids. Are out. Loud. Yeah, they they they like they'll roast me with the best of them and they're good at it. ⁓ but they know that they can't because. Speaker 2: Tell me about that. Speaker 1: It's different now. Speaker 2: Yeah, I'll tell you our first home and we met were married when we got married and we had our little kids. lived in a little single white trailer and a little. really not so nice trailer park, you know, ⁓ being a cop when I told people where I live, they're like, you live where I'm like, or what we could afford at the time. But I miss that trailer so much, especially when my kids became teenagers, and we had a nicer house, they had their own rooms and stuff like that. Because in the trailer, we were all right there, you can't escape each other. And I think that's something that a lot of Speaker 1: what you can afford. Speaker 2: parents. I don't know how to word it. But seeing that like, as a dad, if I can see you, and I can see who you're texting and who you're talking to, I know you're Now, I don't want to smother you. But if you're within the confines of this room, I know you're safe. Speaker 1: Right. Right. And it makes sense because we so my wife and I, just bought a house two years ago. So we were living in a rental that was very small. The kids had to share rooms. So everybody was out in the living room because that was the collective shared space and it was the biggest part of the house. Right. When we bought. When we bought the house, they all have their own rooms. They're all spread out. like the girls live upstairs. The boys have their own like den in the back. That's all theirs. And then my our youngest daughter lives right downstairs off the kitchen. So she's literally like 10 feet from the master bedroom. But now it's they come home, they go to their rooms and it's not we don't tell them to go. They go to their rooms and it's like you don't see them again till dinnertime. So we we do most of our are talking at dinnertime. And I would, I would most times screw it up because that's when I would let out all of my frustration with the kids because that's the only time you see them. And that was one of the things my wife brought up that humbled me the other day. She's like, you do this at dinner and it ruins dinner for everybody. Even you, because you don't even eat. You're too focused and in that zone that all you're doing is talking. then nobody else wants to eat and it's like... Looking in here or seeing and hearing that was a huge wake up call. And I get wake up calls like two or three times a month. Cause I do, put those walls up and I just go. Like I have to provide, I gotta be able to bring the money and I gotta do this, I gotta do this. I miss my son's stuff. I miss my daughter's things because I gotta work. It all weighs on you as a dad. You wanna be present, but you can't be present. And for me, all I've ever wanted to be was a present father. And so when I can't be, even though my kids are like, it's okay, we understand. It's like, you understand to an extent. You'll never truly understand until you have kids of your own. And then you want to be present for them, but you can't because you have to be at work. And now that all the schools have gone away from Friday school, they do all of their events Friday afternoons. And I'm at work. Speaker 2: Yeah. No, I get what you're saying because when I was on the job, you miss a lot of dinners. And I always felt like and it sounds like you kind of have the same experience dinners the one time that you get together and it turns into Seinfeld's airing of grievances, right? It's pretty much got a lot of problems with you people. And we're starting with you today. Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, and that's how that's how it would go and I've I've done a lot better since she brought it up and I told her I said I I Appreciate you. I Need you to do that. I said because I don't realize I'm doing it So if you bring it up and you show me I might look like I hate you but I don't I Appreciate the fact that you you feel comfortable enough to tell me. Yeah that you feel safe enough to tell me because she's got trauma of her own and like we've had to work through her trauma, my trauma and then build on top of that and build a healthy relationship. So. Speaker 2: Your wife is mentoring you on how to be a better father. Speaker 1: I didn't pad it. I-O. I owe my wife a lot. Speaker 2: Tell me about her. Speaker 1: So her name's Eli, or Elijah. ⁓ Everybody just calls her Eli. She... Speaker 2: It's good to know I've been pronouncing it L. Speaker 1: So, okay, so most people do, but it is Eli. And so she's from Washington state and we met through TikTok during quarantine. ⁓ 2020 when the whole world shut down is when we met. I lost my job and I was going through some serious depression, like not able to get out of bed, didn't shower for weeks, had no direction. The only thing that was really keeping me going was the weeks that I had my kids. Because then I would get up and I would have to because I had to be a dad. The weeks where I didn't, drinking. I never really got into heavy drugs, but I drink a lot. And I was doing just dumb stuff, bringing women in and out revolving door because they didn't want to stick around after they figured out how messed up I was. So my oldest daughter picked up TikTok and I was being me, I was like, what is this? What are you doing? And she's like, well, it's an app on your phone where you make funny videos and you post funny videos. And I said, okay, here's the deal. You can have it on your phone, but I'm gonna put it on my phone and you have to follow me so I can see what you're posting and what people are saying. So she said, okay. So I put it on there and she goes, okay, here's the thing, dad, you can't just be a weirdo. Like you have to post something on your page. And I was like, well, I don't know how to do that. So she showed me how. So I made a couple stupid little funny, like lip syncing videos to like comedy sketches. No lighting, no nothing. ⁓ And like obviously people start following you. And then what I did was... One day I set up, I opened the app, I put it in my window sill, and I just happened to have the bedroom that the light, the morning light shined into the window. And I set up and I looked at the camera and I said, good morning, TikTok. Welcome to your daily dose of inspiration. And I said the first random inspirational thought that came to my head. And then I hit, I posted it. And I just forgot about it. And I got up and I showered. I motivated myself that day and came back and I had like a hundred followers and I was like, oh, this is kind of cool. So did that every day. And it started out literally every morning. would, no matter how I felt, I would sit up, put it in my window. Good morning, TikTok. Welcome to your daily dose of inspiration. And then I realized I really liked doing that because it was COVID, the world was shut down and people needed it. So I wasn't just motivating me, I was motivating other people. I was mentoring people I didn't even know. And they were telling me this, like, we needed to hear these things. And I'm like, I'm just saying the first thing that comes to my mind to get me out of bed so I don't rot. So then I started researching and I got lights and I researched videography and I started to make them look good. So then it was, I would get up and that was what I did. That was what got me out of bed. I would get up, I would get dressed, I would put myself together and then I would make the videos. So then they started to get a little bit more production value to them. And... And it was always good morning. That was my tagline. Good morning, TikTok. Welcome to your daily dose of inspiration. So I did that for a couple months and I hit a thousand followers finally and at a thousand followers on TikTok you can do what's called going live. And it's where you set the phone in front of you and you're talking to a group of people that come in and watch you. So they're watching you talk and you're just talking to yourself, reading the comments as it scrolls up and down the side of the phone. And it was a week I had my kids and it was... They were on this weird, like my daughter went during the morning session and then my son would go in the afternoon because it was COVID. So they had to clean the classrooms and I was in a live and I had ⁓ a decent group of core people that would show up every time I would go live. And I learned who they were because again, pays to know people pays to be a good person. I would address them by their real names. I would talk to them like they were sitting in the room with me just like we are. And I'll never forget it. In pops a screen name and it's PNW Wanderlust. And I'm like, okay, it's Pacific Northwest. So she's good. This person has to be somewhere near us. And I was like, I have the wanderlust gene. I don't like staying in the same spot for very long. I was like, and I said, I really like your screen name. And I said, welcome to the live. said, if, if The way it goes here is if you feel comfortable telling me your real name, I will address you as such anytime you pop in. And she goes, my name's Eli, like Manning. And I was like, all right, nice to meet you, Eli. And that was it. That was the extent and nothing else popped up under her. She didn't say anything else. ⁓ And like 10 minutes later, I had to go take my kid to school. So I cut it off and. went back and I clicked on the screen name so I could see the person and the videos associated with that person. And the first video she had in her feed was she was just blankly staring at the screen and the verbiage that she had written was, you think you can hurt me? My ex-husband said he'd take my daughter and I could keep my son. And I've had a few suicide attempts. I know what the eyes look like when you're not too long for the world. And I saw that in her and I reached out and I like I said, you probably get a thousand messages from a thousand dudes a day. I said, this isn't what this is. I said, I noticed a look in your eye and I'm here to listen if you need someone to talk to. And I hit send. Not thinking I'd hear anything back. About 45 minutes goes by and I ding. and I open it up and it's a message from her and it took me 45 minutes to read it. That's how long it was. She unloaded everything. Speaker 2: you Speaker 1: So I read it and I responded, ⁓ talked to her about things and let her know a little bit about my story and my background. it was right around October of 2020 when that happened. So we talked back and forth on the app and about a month goes by and I said, you know, I would really like to travel to Washington and take you to dinner. And she goes, I don't. She goes, I don't know, like you could be a serial killer. And I was like, that's a valid point. You're right, I could be. She's like, I'm a single mom. I've got two kids. I don't feel comfortable. I said, okay, that's fine. I said, here's my phone number. I said, because I enjoy talking to you, but I don't like having to open the app every time I want to talk to you. So we started talking over text messages and phone calls and I gave it another month. And I said, You know, I still really like to drive up ⁓ and talk to you or like take you to dinner, you know, just meet you in person. And she goes, you know what? This weekend would work perfectly. Can you do this weekend? She goes, because it'll just be me and my daughter. My son will be with my dad. And I said, yeah, I said, my kids are with their mom. I said, I'll drive up. Friday or I'll drive up Saturday morning. So I hopped in the car, drove the six hours to. to Wenatchee and you saw the video, I posted it today. Speaker 2: Maybe I did, I don't... Speaker 1: ⁓ Maybe you did, maybe you didn't, but I posted it today because it was a... Speaker 2: It's the one where you walked in the door and she jumped in your arms. Speaker 1: So that was our first meeting. But what you don't see is what happened before that video. So I get there. It takes six hours from my front door to her front door. I pull in. I'm nervous. I'm like getting myself all cleaned up and ready to go and walk up to the door, knock on the door. And I can hear her moving around. She opens the door and wham, slams into my face. And I'm like, okay. And I love telling this story. It's like my favorite story. It's a very, very huge core memory of mine now. I turn around and in my head, I'm like, I guess I wasn't what she thought I was going to be. And I was, I was okay with it. I turned around and was going to go get back in the car and drive home. And I hear the door open again. And that's what you see in the video. You see her open the door and I walk in and she jumps into my arms. And that was October 20th, 2020. And we've been together ever since. And then she came down. for weekend and ⁓ one of my other buddies I had met on TikTok, he was a Navy corpsman. Him and his dad were traveling the country for the summer and he just happened to be coming through Idaho so he stopped and hung out for a little bit. Well, I had talked to my kids and my kids had obviously met her and really liked her and I said, how would you feel if I asked her to marry me? and they were all pretty excited about it. And I said, so I said, well, let's, let's take her to McCall and do it in McCall at the lake. So we all packed up, drove up in the car and while we're driving, I'm texting my daughter who's sitting behind me, working all of it out. Cause I had already bought a ring. I already had everything. And so we get up there, we get everything set up. And I'm standing over talking to my daughter and my buddy and I'm like, Hey, I really want you guys to get this on camera. I don't want to forget this moment. Eli's like, what are you guys doing? Are you talking? Like, are you making fun of people? Like what's going on? I'm like nothing. That's cool. So she turns around and finished as she's setting things up. I walk around behind her and I get down on one and I had this whole like monologue planned out to say to her and when she turned around I was struck speechless and you know me I can talk I don't have an issue talking all I could get out was will you marry me and she said yes and like everybody was clapping and it was it was just an amazing experience But she has seen me at the lowest of lows. She's found me on the floor in the fetal position crying. And all I could say was, please just kill me. I can't do it. Please just kill me. And she goes, I can't do that. And she, sorry. She sat down and sat with me until I calmed down. She's been there through. that to giving up the alcohol and becoming a better person. And I'm like, she'll watch this, so, and she knows I owe her my life. If it wasn't her, I probably would have taken it. My first attempt is when my oldest daughter was real, real young. I was sitting on my kitchen floor and I couldn't handle the demons anymore. I had my 45. And my thought process was, if I do this in the kitchen, it'll be easier to clean up. Because it was linoleum. That's where my head was. It'll be easier to clean up. and my daughter came out and said my lap and just looked at me. slid it away and picked the phone up and called the VA and was like I need help because if I don't get it I'm not gonna be long for this world And I've been fighting those demons ever since. To this day I still fight them. Cause they don't go away. They get quieter sometimes. Speaker 2: think. for me. when they come in. I don't know you, but for me it just, get so lonely and I could be, I could this room, even though it's not the biggest room could be filled with everybody that loves me. And I could sit here in the corner and feel like no one sees me. No one hears me. And those demons, man, they just love to play on that and pick on that. And it seems like they can turn the smallest inconvenience. and take that to mean we have no worth in life. And so that's that's what scares me, especially when I'm alone. ⁓ I hate sitting in a room alone because. They they know. This is we got him. If we get him alone, we got him. You know, even if I'm just like, I don't start out planning on getting dark. Right. You say a lot, you know, it pays off to be a good person and people don't understand at times I think what that means that it pays off to be a good person because when you're in those spots You can pick up the phone and just, hey, I just need to talk to someone. You know, I just need a friendly voice. Speaker 1: All it takes is 12 minutes. Speaker 2: Tell me about that. Speaker 1: It's something one of my Marines told me. And he called me, said, hey, you got time? I said, yeah. He goes, ⁓ I need 12 minutes. 12 minutes is all it takes to help change somebody's mental thought process. 12 minutes of you just listening. Don't speak, just listen for 12 minutes. And it's amazing, because I've had people do it for me. And a lot of people, sometimes you have to say, I just need to talk. Can I have 12 minutes? Let me talk. I don't want to hear advice. I don't want to hear your thoughts. Just please let me talk. we'll go back and forth after those 12 minutes are over. ⁓ It's little things like that that hit you, especially when you've done things like you and I have. ⁓ I'm really bad about talking to people. I don't feel like anybody needs my darkness. Because my dark is dark. And I've never wanted to put that on anybody else. And I've hit rock bottom so many times in my life and built myself back up with very little help from anybody else. Not talking, no one even really knowing that I was going through anything. Because I put the smile on. I clean, I do all the things to hide the fact that my world is falling apart. I've told myself that I need to be better and it's one of the reasons I agreed to do this. I need to be better about talking about everything I have in here that no one else knows about or just the select people that I choose to let know about. Like I would say the Sabres don't even know 90 % of what I've been through. They know a little bit just what I'm willing to tell them, but not not everything. ⁓ But yeah, it's been a struggle. It doesn't help the thought process of being a failure. And I'm proud of myself that I never did pick the bottle back up. Like I'll have a few drinks here and there at a barbecue around people that I trust. But I never picked it back up the way I did when I was younger. And to me, that's progress. The fact that I'm coming up on my four year wedding anniversary in May, that's progress for me that she stuck around that long. Cause I'm not an easy person to be around. I have affirmations written on my bathroom mirror and Sharpie marker and it's just, it's little things like that that I figured out helped me to remind myself that it's okay to continue. ⁓ Speaker 2: Go back to that because you've talked about what you were doing on TikTok, just daily inspirational things that you're waking up in bed, you know, and you say something. How much did those daily messages as you're uttering them, bring in your head to help get you going for the day? Speaker 1: That's what they were for. 100%. I didn't do them for anybody else but me. In the beginning, it was all for me. It was to get me out of bed, to get me moving. And then as I realized it was helping people, I would look for more inspirational stuff to say, like less out of my head, more out of reading, more out of books. I would find quotes, but I would put them in my voice with my face. Sure. For some reason people liked my voice and liked my face. I use my social media to not only help me process events that happen in my life. But those events, I utilize them to make the videos, but I direct them so they can help anybody that hears them. And as long as that video hits one person, then it did its job. ⁓ So like when my daughter left, I made a video. And I'm not afraid to show my emotions in a meter. Like I teared up. ⁓ I had some friends going through some stuff and I took what they were going through and I made a video and made a message and put it out there. And they saw it and they're like, ⁓ that helped me a lot. I can't believe it. I'm like, bro, you were the one that gave me the inspiration for the message. So now I take and I gather inspiration from everywhere. And it's like, I was very unhealthy. So my wife and I chose to stop being unhealthy. Like one day we were just like, okay, we're done. And we put the alcohol down and we fixed our diet and we started going to the gym and... And it was right about the time I joined the Sabres. So three seasons ago is when all of this started. and I've got two bad knees and I'm playing this sport where it's extremely hard on your body. I found the Sabres when they first started out as a team. ⁓ Speaker 2: So let's just back up here for a second. The Sabres are a football team in the Idaho contact football league that both Justin and I play in. That's actually how we met. ⁓ I play for the Idaho Griffins. I, I, own the Idaho Griffins football team. Started out as a side project. They're owners. ⁓ Zach, Zach. Yeah. And, ⁓ to kind of get another team in the league and I saw the direction of the team at the time, the Griffins and the lack of leadership. So I was like, we need leadership and ownership and accountability. So I stepped up and Zach sold it to me. ⁓ and that's how we met was through, through Zach and through the football leagues. Speaker 1: I will say for the most part is a damn good group of individuals. They all come together pretty well. Joining the Sabres, it caused me to self-reflect ⁓ because the first I had seen of the ICFL was I came to watch the Black Tide play the Aztecs in 2010. 2023? Yeah, 2023. And in my infinite wisdom, I was like, I can do that. And my wife's like, didn't do it. And I looked at her, was like, no, yeah. And she's like, yeah. So I walked down and I talked to Zach Peterson, the owner of Tattooed and Successful. And I said, hey, I would really like to get involved in this. And he's like, he's like, well, what do you do? He's like. I was a kicker in high school. He's like, okay. He's like, well, he's like, obviously this is the last game. It was the championship game at 203. It was when they, took the chip and uh, he's like, when pre-season kicks off, I'll give you a call. I didn't get that call and that's all right. None, none against sack, nothing against the tide. It just didn't work out. So I went onto the website. and I put all my information in and it just so happened Logan, one of the co-owners of the Sabres reached out to me within like five minutes. So I came out to a practice and I realized in that first practice that I was not in the shape I thought I was. And I was a lot older than I was giving myself credit for. So. I, and I'll be 100 % honest, cheese dick practice side. I was scared, 100%. I was like, what did I get myself into? This is a lot more intense than I thought it was gonna be. I love Logan. I love Logan. Speaker 2: especially when you're dealing with Logan, too, he comes off pretty intense at times. Speaker 1: He does. And that's Logan. And we didn't always start out the best friends, but we're pretty good buddies now. Yeah. And it just, it proves time will tell. But I was in my head constantly. I was, was, man, can I really do this? I thought I could do it, and so the first game of the of that first year as a Sabre was up in twin against the Alphas. And I had a few punts, they weren't very good. Weather was trash, it was windy and raining and we made it through. I can't remember if we I don't think we won. ⁓ Maybe we did. But the second game was against the Matadors. And my first punt, got lit up by, I want to say it was to Tatoola, but I'm not for certain, but he hit me so hard I went up off the ground and flat backed and it messed my knee and my hip up and I wasn't able to play anymore that season. I, I, I, sat down and talked with Eli and I was like, I gotta step back. Like, I can barely walk, let alone get back out there and try to play. And that was hard, because I don't quit. So what I did was I went to Zach and I said, hey, I said, I know there's players that want one roster spot. I said, so what I'll do is I will give up my spot for somebody else. I said, but I would still like to be a part of the team in whatever capacity that is. So I geared up in my Sabres, Polos and hoodies and I was on the sideline for every game that season. I didn't miss one game. was out there. I supported supported the bros. And in the offseason, I built my knee back up. and came back in ⁓ came back into the second season. There was some tension. ⁓ but it all got worked through. Went through the second season, completed all the games, kicked better. Not as good as I felt like I could have. So finished that season out. I think we ended up four and four and got right back into the gym. Ended up having to no surgery, so I had to take some time off because I couldn't do much because my face was messed up. And the depression set in. As soon as I wasn't able to go to the gym, because that's what I... that was one of my outlets, I... I gained all the way back, I... and it was... it was just rough. And then once I finally got healed up and... and was able to get back in. I took myself from 250 pounds to 190 and built substantial more muscle and I still struggle. My knees are still not the best. 12 years in the Marine Corps will do that to you. But I'm there. And I give it my all, no matter... And as a punter, you don't get to see the field very often. But every second I step onto that field, I give every ounce of what I have in me out there. And I leave it out there at the end. Because it's just a game. Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, I know the way you were talking about, you know, realizing like, ⁓ what am I doing? It was our first scrimmage against you guys. It was the first time someone's coming at you. I was snapping the ball and I was probably Josiah or Sonny or someone. And I was like, ⁓ yeah. Cause I didn't, I haven't played since high school. So we're talking 30 plus years that I'm like, ⁓ man. Speaker 1: a different. It rocks you pretty good. Speaker 2: Rocks you pretty good. Especially, you know, you're 44. I was 51. I'm 52 now, but there's, it's like the gym in a way. When you feel it, it helps you feel alive. Yeah. You know, when you feel those endorphins, when you feel that energy, it brings it out and really helps you feel alive. And I totally get what you're talking about. The depression with not being able to work out. So I've had two lower back surgeries and after the second one, I had a nurse tell me, yeah, you're done. You're probably not going to be able to go back into law enforcement. You're not going to be able to lift heavy again. And it was also winter. So it was bleak and gray. was sitting at home, just watching Netflix the whole time, dealing with teenage kids and just sinking into all that depression. Am I going to be able to go back and do those things I love? Going back into the gym, going back to work. And the thing about my work in law enforcement is... I really liked being a part of helping people find a way. This doesn't define you. And I think that's one of the hardest problems we have with demons in our head is we let those try to define who we are. Those low moments, those dark moments. ⁓ Maybe not living up to the expectations of someone like a grandfather. Speaker 1: My grandparents, my grandfather, passed before the Marine Corps, before any of... They passed before any of the good happened. ⁓ And I still go every year and I put an Eagle Globe and anchor on their grave. And that's just my way of saying, like, I made it. Because for a while there, it was touch and go. But it's my way of saying, I know you're there, I know you've been through it, like, you've watched me this whole time. And that goes for the grandparents that just passed recently. I know that they were in my corner no matter what, even through all the low, low. And they were there, they saw it. You're right. The darkness doesn't define who we are. It's what we do to get out of that dark that does. It's being the mentor to somebody, even if you don't realize you're being a mentor. And a lot of the time I don't. Speaker 2: Even if you don't want to be a mentor. Speaker 1: And it's hard because you're gonna be, you're gonna be that to somebody whether you like it or not. Somebody is gonna look up to you in some way. ⁓ And a lot of ⁓ joining the Sabres, I was looking for that brotherhood that I lost when I left the Marine Corps. I've constantly been searching for that brotherhood. It's been a a huge thing for me. Because, again, being alone is horrible for people that suffer from what we do. And as hard as it is and like They're still, I call it rookie adults. They're still rookie adults. Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a great way to put it. The rookie rookie at being adult. Speaker 1: They're still rookie adults and like, like I'm not even like a varsity adult yet. I still consider myself a JV adult. Like I still look for adults sometimes and realize, ⁓ crap, I am the adult here. Crap. Okay. All right. We're going to figure this out. Speaker 2: All right, someone's got to make the make the grownup decisions here. Speaker 1: then it's usually me. And I'm like, man. But to be able to do that, to make those decisions, that again, that's a win. Because to me, I've made it. I can make that decision. Sometimes are they real bad? Yeah. But guess what? You learn. You make that adjustment and you move forward. And that's been my entire life. Screw up. Learn from it. Make the adjustment. ⁓ crap, I made the same screw up. Alright, well let's make a different adjustment this time and move forward. N. It just it it's like a revolving door almost like you're gonna make sometimes you make the same mistake multiple times and And you just you figure out what adjustment you need to make to get past that ⁓ And it's just crazy like... Because I actually thought about just stopping everything and just becoming a motivational speaker. But then I'm like, what do I do when I'm I can't even motivate myself some days? Like. How am I going to get up in front of kids? Because I wanted to do like high school juniors and seniors, kids that are getting ready to go into the world and become these rookie adults. Because from what I've seen in the education system right now is they're not getting taught that the really important things. They're not being taught how to sit down and have a conversation like this. Or just a conversation period. Definitely not with microphones and things like that. But just sit down and have a conversation. They're not being taught how to genuinely listen to somebody's feelings. And I've seen this because... My house is where all the bikes are in the yard. And what that means is like my house is safe to not just my kids, but all of the kids. So they congregate in my kitchen quite often. And I sit back and I just listen. And I'll, I'll dole out dad advice every now and then, especially like when I can tell they really, really need it. But for the most part, I just listen. And it's a throwaway society now. And what I mean by that is nothing sacred to these kids. They can just toss it and move to the next thing, the next person, the next whatever. And it saddens my heart to see that they're just so quick to throw a relationship away. Or to... throw an opportunity away just because somebody made them mad. Or it got hard. And that a lot of it is it got hard. And they don't like to hear... Speaker 2: it got hard. Speaker 1: Life is hard. Life is not gonna be easy. Like all of this, all these things that you kids are watching on social media now, that is not real life. Not, one bit. Cause the world out there is not fair. It's not easy. You have to work for everything that you get. Nothing will be handed to you because none of you are going to become influencers. You're not. The influencers only became influencers because they already had money. or they found somebody to back them with money. And that's everybody you see that's selling things and doing all this stuff that they watch. or even like these high school sports players. And I actually, I probably overstep my boundaries a little bit, but my daughter had her boyfriend on speakerphone and he was discussing an incident that happened at his lacrosse practice where a coach said something to one of the players, or what it was was they needed a player to bump down to JV. And they had a player that already split JV varsity time and then they had a varsity player and they asked the varsity player to bump down to JV to help the JV kids get better. The varsity player lost his crap, walked off the field, F you, you're Fing stupid and lit into the coach. Well, the coach was 25. So what do you think he did? Lit into the kid like another adolescent. So her boyfriend's telling this story and she has the phone muted so we can hear him but he can't hear me and we're discussing what's happening. And I was like in my day that that wouldn't happen. You can talk to a coach like that. What you did was you finished practice and then you went into your car and you screamed at your window for 10-15 minutes on the way home. Speaker 2: Yeah. Speaker 1: And I looked at her and I said, Hey, sis, can I talk to him? And she goes, like, she made that face on like, I'll be nice, like, but I got something he needs to hear. So she unmuted the phone and, and she goes, Hey, my dad, my dad needs to say something. And all I said was, Hey, I said that behavior is not the behavior of a high school athlete. I said, you're not being paid. Like you're there because you want to be there. And if you don't want to be there, then don't be there. But you, you don't perpetrate the negativity in front of the other players. I said, what you, what you should have done is, is you should have went, finished out the practice, got in your car and hashed it out between the two of you. And he's like, yeah, I know. I'm like, but if you know that, then why did you do it? He's like, I was just heated. And I said, I understand that I get anger. I get I get doing things out of anger. And he goes, yeah, I get it, I get it. And. It just so happens. Last Saturday, he came to our game against the Matadors and. It was a rough game. was a rough game. We got dog walked the hats off to the Matadors, you dog walked us. Speaker 2: you Speaker 1: but it, and it. That's true. We both got that. Yeah, was a whole dog walk session. But. ⁓ Speaker 2: Hey buddy, we got dog-walked by the Warhawks. Speaker 1: I almost lost my shit. And I don't do that on the field. I don't do that in a uniform. It's not something that I've done. And I was so angry that I went to throw my helmet. And I, I, I tossed it back and I like out of the corner of my eye, I could see my son, my daughter and her boyfriend. I. And I just stopped and I just started pacing. And he called me on it. ⁓ The next day. He goes, were you a little angry? I said, yeah. He goes, you're going to throw your helmet, weren't you? I said, I was. I said, but I didn't, did I? He goes, no. I said, I said, you're the reason I didn't. I said, because I saw you sitting up there and I remembered what I had told you. And I wasn't going to be a hypocrite. And, and ⁓ so my wife and the kids were all waiting for, know, when we walk out, they were all waiting. And, ⁓ I said, Hey, you guys go get something to eat. I'm going to go home because I can promise you, I'm not going to be fun to be around for the next like 45 minutes. And what I did was I, I drove home by myself and I screamed at my windshield for five miles. Just let it all out. And by the time I got home, was back to level, no longer on tilt, and I was good. And it's those little things, those little minute fixes of your thought process that help you be a better person. and knowing that the little eyes are always watching you. There's always somebody watching. Speaker 2: Yeah. Speaker 1: has been a huge thing. And I've got five kids, so there's always somebody watching. But being on the field, on that stage in the ICFL, there's always somebody watching you. And that doesn't just go on the field. That's how you hold yourself off the field. It's how you interact with people. The way I see it is if you have a Griffin's anything on. or if I'm wearing anything that is Sabres related. I'm representing that team. I'm representing that entity. So I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna represent it to my fullest and I want her to the best of my ability. Speaker 2: Well, and I think that, like, yes, with our teams, but also with who we choose to associate our with writing. ⁓ Because if you're wearing, excuse me, if you're wearing ⁓ some sort of jacket or hoodie or something like that, immediately. People, I think, will see that and they'll be like, yeah, I mean, a great joke example of white Oakley's. Right. Because society has painted people due to where white Oakleys is the D bag with the jacked up truck, the Chad, right. And. Speaker 1: cat. Speaker 2: You could be wearing white Oakleys because that's the only thing they had when you went to the store and got glasses. And now, but now you're associated with this particular look, a particular image. And you don't want to be associated with that image. So when I was a cop and, I worked with gang members, it's like, you told me who you were the minute you walked in the room. dressing the way you're dressed. Now, my perceptions, I'm going to build a story on that. And that's how we interact with people. When we see people and it goes back to that great lesson your grandfather taught you, before you go out, you don't know who you're going to run into. You don't know who you're going to see. So you want to make sure they see the best version of you. And that's in a positive light, right? Right. That doesn't mean you're not having a shitty day. Things aren't going your way. It just means He taught you to go out, I'm here, I'm ready to work, I'm ready to be the person people need me to be. In so many words. Yeah. Speaker 1: always take pride in yourself because in the end it's just you. Speaker 2: ⁓ that's one of those things that I think is lacking. It drove me up the wall and I went to my little bit of college I did go to, but when I'd see college professors and t-shirts and shorts, it's like, you don't get your, you're supposed to be holding a standard for us. ⁓ when you see law enforcement officers and I wasn't always, I mean, Marines are the example of You are representing something the way you dress. You know, ⁓ I wasn't a recruiting poster cop, but I, and so it took time to prove to people that, Hey, Mike squared away. He's a good dude. He doesn't look like the recruiting poster, but you have to prove it. And I felt like I had to prove it extra hard. And that's, that's also goes back to my own personal demons that I deal with. But It goes in what you're saying, you know, when you're rep, wearing a team, you represent a school, anything. Okay. How are people going to associate me with this? And do I want that association? ⁓ so yeah. And the thing I got most out of that story you just told is they were asking a senior to go help the JV and he was looking at us. an attack on this person. Speaker 1: So the way I saw it and the reason I spoke up about it was because it seemed like he he took it as, yeah, as an attack on himself, that he wasn't meeting the varsity level of play. When in actuality, it was just the coach wanting him to take his varsity level of play and give it to those JV kids, which that's what you do as a varsity level player. Like, why do people go to football camps that are led by NFL players? Right. Because obviously they have that skill set. and the ability to teach that skill set to these younger generation. And like we're all, the ICFL is all made up of, of what 18 to 50 ish year old dudes that miss that, that camaraderie missed the, they have the love of the game and they, and they want to play. And this has given us all the ability to do it. Sometimes do we take it a little bit too seriously? ⁓ yeah. 100%. Speaker 2: ⁓ some guy's a little too serious. Speaker 1: But that's okay. That's just who they are. But in the end, when we all come at the end of the games, no matter what the score is, most teams meet at the 50 yard line, shake hands and pray. And they give it to God. Right? That's huge. Because no matter all the chirping, no matter all the shit talk that happens on the field, in the trenches, in between the hash marks, at the end of that game we all come together as one family and we give it to God. And we go home, we milk our wounds, we ice our legs and we move on. We go to work Monday morning and we all meet up again Saturday again. And we do that for what? 12 weeks, 14 weeks now, and we all come back. Everybody comes, like, we all come back. Speaker 2: And we miss those players that don't come back. Yeah. Speaker 1: Because you build that family bond. Speaker 2: You know, I remember our game against the Black Tide last year. ⁓ A pulling guard nailed our end really well. Took his knee out. His knee is still messed up. And everybody took a knee. And then when they saw how bad it is, was there, Hey, are you okay? Both teams. And that's kind of the difference about playing as an adult versus as kids. Yeah. We're very competitive and we've got egos. We all have to go to work on Monday morning and we're all out here having fun and supporting one another. Yeah. Speaker 1: We also know we gotta go to work Monday. And it's amazing to see the league grow. How much it has in just two seasons. It's crazy. And I hope it continues to grow when I'm well out of it, because I don't have much left in me, to be honest. I think this might be my last season. Speaker 2: ⁓ yeah. Yeah. I've got a coaching spot for you. Bye. Speaker 1: I-I-I-I- ⁓ Speaker 2: You've been talking to Tink too much. Speaker 1: Maybe him and I we see eye to eye on a few things I've wanted to be a bullfighter in my entire life. Yeah, my bio dad was a bull rider. My stepdad was a bull rider. I've been around rodeo my whole life and And like I never wanted to be the clown. Wanted to be the bullfighter. Want to be the dude that saves the guy when he falls off that I've always been good about putting myself in between harm and somebody else Speaker 2: Tank's a great dude. Yeah. Speaker 1: even as a kid. I've got my ass whipped a few times stepping in where I shouldn't have. I went to jail in California for protecting somebody. I protected a woman that was getting beat and ended up in jail because she pressed charges on me. It's amazing. It's crazy. But. I've always been that way. I think it's one of the reasons I joined the Marine Corps. I don't think I wanted to come home, if I can be 100 % honest. Every time I went out, I was okay with not coming home. Speaker 2: It's weird. I've heard that from a lot of combat deployed vets, especially in the context of, and I think this is what you're saying too. If it's me or somebody else, but yeah. Speaker 1: somebody else rather be me. So a lot of my trauma was ⁓ on my first appointment. I don't talk about this a lot, ⁓ We were in Iraq and we were standing post. was a lot of ⁓ the guys' first deployment, mine included. ⁓ We were doing post changeover and I had been on post. So I was coming off and this young Marine and I was old. Like I was even in the Marine Corps because I was 23 and everyone else was 18. And he came up and we did our changeover. as I was walking back down, he goes, he was, hey, Corporal Kerner, I didn't I didn't have time to to like have a cup of coffee or anything like is there any way you could bring me bring me up a cup of coffee I was like yeah but I got you and ⁓ I walk down and as I'm walking down the stairs to go back into the house that we had taken. I heard this crack. Was that a gunshot? And I looked over at my other buddy, I was like, hey, hey, did you hear that? And he goes, yeah, but I think it was, it was so and so slammed the, the like microwave door or whatever. And I was like, all right, whatever. I'm like, I'm tired. I want to go to sleep. I've been up for eight hours standing post looking at the dark. And so I get down there and make, the kid a cup of coffee and he's a kid. He's 18 years old. ⁓ fresh out of, I believe it was from Illinois. It was a Golden Gloves boxer. Good kit. ⁓ and ⁓ I walked back up and we had a 240 at that position. And he's like leaned over the 240 and looked like he was sleeping. That's a big no-no. We don't sleep on post. So the corporal in me, was like... And I walk over and I'm like, Lance Corporal. And he doesn't move. and I like shake him and he just falls. So everything kind of stops, like dead stop. and I lean over and I check him and he's not breathing. But there's no blood. Nothing. So I yell down the stairs, like, hey, we need a doc up here, let's go, come on, get him up here now. We get his gear off and get his helmet off and he's still not breathing. No blood. Nothing. And I'm like, I'm losing my shit at this point in time, like yelling orders, screaming like the docs froze and like, cause it's his first deployment too and he doesn't know, like he went fetal. So we had to call another doc to come up and then a couple of the other Marines that had been on the deployment previous came up and we, ⁓ Myself and to this day. I still don't know where or how I learned how to do this, but we gave him a tracheotomy with a swiss army knife and a McDonald's straw because that's all we had and we we hit his lungs and Blood everywhere so he drowned in his own blood and come to find out That crack I heard was a gunshot. It was this Chechnya sniper. He shot between the six inch slit of the bulletproof glass that stood above and hit him up under his Kevlar and the velocity of the round was so great that it closed the bullet hole and embedded in the back of his head. So it wasn't a through and through. That's why there was no blood. And we didn't figure that out until we got the after action report from the hospital. Survivors' guilt, it's a real thing. ⁓ I lived with that because that sniper, that shooter had to have been dialing in on me the whole time. Speaker 2: ⁓ yeah. Speaker 1: And I lived with, didn't he take that shot on me? What stopped him? Why'd he wait? Cause I was sitting there the whole time. Eight hours I sat in the same spot. Just moved back and forth a little bit here and there. He could have took that shot easy. But he waited. It was really hard to live with. To this day still. The reason I can talk about it as easy as it was the one thing that my therapist, I had to tell this story every time we met until I could talk about it like this without having an emotional response. But to this day I still wonder why didn't he shoot? Why didn't he take me? Because I'm the one that had to hand the flag to his mom. I'm the one that spoke at his funeral. My son's named after him. So he still lives on. His memory is still there. I've carried. I've carried best friend's body parts in a backpack for miles because that's all we could find. I've done and seen things that I wouldn't wish on my own worst enemy and I got a few. But it ain't worth it. So I carry it. And I remember those Marines. Always. And I know that they're watching. I know that they're still here. They watch over every single one of us. And it's crazy because just recently that group of Marines that were over there have all started to reach out to each other. And I don't know if it's the turn and what's going on in the world or if I think we're all getting older and we're all trying to rekindle that brotherhood that we had. But we've all started to reach out to one another and check on it and make sure everybody's okay. because we've had a lot go to suicide. I know I was the last phone call from one of our boys and I had no idea. We talked for 45 minutes. And the next phone call I got was he had shot himself. and you as a service member and I would probably say as a law enforcement officer too, don't forget that stuff. It stays with you. It becomes a part of who you are. And to this day I would take a for anybody. I don't care who it is. I'm one of those guys that always knows what's going on. I always know who's in the room. I always know how to get everybody out of the room. I might be a little slower, but I still have it. And it, like it's made me who I am today. I've come to terms with a lot of the stuff that's happened. I've come to the terms with a lot of the stuff I had to do over there because taking life is not easy. And these people that talk to you like, I could do it. You can't. Like it isn't an easy thing to do, to pull the trigger on another human being. And I've had to do that. And it's, it's a lot of the, teammates make, make that joke. No one really messes with me too much. And I don't want to say that it's they're afraid of me. I think they respect what I've been through and they know what I'm capable of to an extent. Because you see how I handle myself out there. I just... I don't blow smoke. Speaker 2: Well, it's the... For me, it's the same mentality that I saw from... Excuse me. ⁓ It's the same mentality you see from a lot of squared up cops. When you're back... in the team room. and you can let the guard down, it's bullshit time. minute you're on the field, and it's funny to equate what we both have called 37U football to this aspect, but the minute you're on the field, it's time to just lock in, get the job done. You know, when I was a cop and when I was in the jail, I was never the guy to like hoot and holler after we had to do something. Cause it's just like, we're just doing our job. This is just our job. And I know a little bit, I know about the military. You go out on an assignment, there's going to be report afterwards. How many shots were fired, know, casualties and all that stuff. I got to the point, especially when I got older, in my career where it was like... It was like, this is just more paperwork. So I'd rather not, you know, and I actually, a couple of times I was on in a face off with an inmate and I'd be like, look, man, we can do this, but here's what's going to happen. I'm going to call the buddies down. You'll get some punches in. We'll fight. You'll lose just cause sheer numbers. Speaker 1: right there's more of them than there are of you Speaker 2: And then I have to write a report and I don't want to write a report. I don't want to send you to the hole. Can we just do what we need to do right now? And it's funny when you kind of break things down to people like that. Oh yeah. You know, those that like take the time and it comes with age and themselves, cause the kids are like, let's go. But yeah, you're right. We don't need to do this. You want me go to my cell? I'll go to my cell. You know? And like you said, you go in there, you yell and scream at the wall for five minutes. And then it's fine. And that's that kind of age and leadership that you took with your, with your ⁓ daughter's boyfriend. that you're showing the rookie adults, if you will, on the Sabres is like, yeah, he helped you. You're right. 100%. I'll just go play the next play. Speaker 1: Yeah. And you've seen it, I'm usually the one on the sidelines that goes to help the crash out. I'm the one that tries to walk over there. And they'll get up into your face. Yeah. And it's like, hey, look, same team. Same team, homie. I ain't here to make this worse. I'm here to keep you on the field. I said, because they'll boot you. I've seen it. Speaker 2: Yeah. I Speaker 1: There's still rules, man. There's still rules. Speaker 2: And that, but those are the lessons that like on a football field, it's also the same lessons we have to teach these same, have to teach each other, especially the youngers in life. Like, yeah, you're crashing out right now, man. But guess what? There's going to be consequences. You can choose your actions, but you don't get to choose the consequences. Now, what do you want to do? Who do you want to be known as? I think that's why places like the football field or the lacrosse field or, you know, the rugby pitch and stuff like that. It's a great chance for leaders to like show these life lessons where it's in a safe or the wrestling match. Okay. You're going to have consequences for this action. Hey, you know why this play didn't work? You didn't show up to practice to learn it right. Right. Now, if you show up to practice and take time to actually learn it, I know the Marines teach a lot of what I was taught. We're going to crawl. We're going to walk. Move this fast. then we're going to run. I'm not, you know, they're not going to grab you straight from Pendleton and throw you in the combat field. Right. They're going to send you through advanced. Speaker 1: Slow is smooth. Speaker 2: infantry, they're going to make sure you know your weapon systems. And it's the same thing in law enforcement. They don't just, it seems like it throw you from, okay, you went to post, here's your badge and your gun. No, you got to ride with FTOs. You've got to learn all these steps before you're trusted. You have to prove yourself. And then you start out as a private, you start out as a basic officer. Speaker 1: have to prove yourself. Speaker 2: CEO, deputy, and then once you prove yourself, then they put you in those leadership experiences and those leadership roles to the point where the story you're telling earlier, when a Lieutenant messed up and he wanted to show, yeah, you want to see who's in charge here? It was all the other NCOs that said, let's get the backstory here. Because that's an important part of the story is. You weren't just trying to piss off a lieutenant. You were trying to keep the unit safe, the men safe, him safe. And those are the things that being a mentor is about. Speaker 1: In that instance, could I have been a little less Marine Corps? Of course. Probably. Could I have been less Sergeant Kerner and more Justin Kerner speaking to him? Yes. But it was at the rifle range. It was a unit qualifying and this lieutenant was in the pits. I was the pit NCO. It was my pits. I was in charge. So end all be all, I had the final say. And it shouldn't matter what rank you are during that time, because you are currently in a training environment where the line in CEO and the pit in CEO are the ones that are in charge. Was he flexing what was on his collar? Very much so. Only because I hurt his ego. Simple as that. He got called out by a subordinate and he didn't like it. I definitely chewed him a new asshole, 100%. I lit into him. I didn't know he was a lieutenant, to be honest. I had no idea. He had his will be on, so I didn't know what rank he was. All I know he was acting a fool and could have got himself hurt. And I wasn't gonna have that. Not on my range, you were not gonna do that. Did I stand in front of that base commander like a man, ready to take my punishment? Damn right I did. Did I whine and cry about it? No I didn't. I stood there, bit my tongue, and just listened. And then when my boys came in and had my back, that's all I needed to see. It like we stand together as one. Because it was my other NCO that was down there with me, and then it was the line NCO and the... ⁓ the range staff into I see and they all came up and they're like, there's like what he did was wrong. Yes. But it was to keep that Marine safe. And that's why I was dealt out of that room with nothing but 30 days of restriction vice 30 days half pay like loss of rank because they easily could have taken me back down to a private from a sergeant. Sure. that would have... I will say they did do me dirty. They took my jump school seat and that got me. they did it because they knew it was going to get me. Because I was cool with everything else. And then they're like, and we see you're slated to go to jump school. Speaker 2: I think your niece thank you for that Speaker 1: I was a little younger back then but they probably do but I had always wanted to go to I just just solely so I could have the jump wings Speaker 2: Right. No, I get it. You know, we all have those things that it's like I still deserve that, you know. Speaker 1: I look at it and I'm like, nah, I'm good. I don't need to jump out of a perfectly good airplane. Speaker 2: So I'll probably cut this out, but my brother's a cop as well. So we both got tased. Well, then he went to taser certification, taser instructor. And I remember driving one day and I was like, my wife's like, what? like, I gotta go get tased again. She's like, why? Because Dan's not gonna have that over me. And that thought was like fleeting to the point where I was like, you know what? He can have that. You commit. Yeah. Speaker 1: Yep. I remember the gas chamber. ⁓ that was a big one. And it was it was who can go in for round two with no mask. And I was always the dumbass that did it. And it's probably why I have lung issues to this day right now. Like and I look back and I was like. Speaker 2: ⁓ yeah. Speaker 1: I was always the one that like, I got this, let's go. I was always the one that was, I got this, let's go. Let's do it. If can hurt you, I don't care, let's go. Like, you only live once. Speaker 2: me ask you, what did you learn from that base commander in that moment? Speaker 1: Honestly that not all brass was bad. And I had another run in with another base commander and I will say the truth will set you free. Simple as that. The truth will set you free. Because I've never been one to lie. Not a big fan. And I was stationed in Bahrain, which is a little island right outside of Saturday. I just got bombed here pretty recently. right, I knew I knew and have been to those places that got hit like stepped foot in there. when we were there, so the Marines were in charge of base security. And it was when I did a security force, Marine security for stint. so you, when we were there, I don't know how they run it now, but when we were there, you did. four days on, four days off. And so you would do two days of training and two days of post. And the posts were up in the cell, which was 3,200 closed circuit cameras around the entire base. You saw everything. All the stories I could tell of the things I've Money. But we won't because that could end people's careers. ⁓ Speaker 2: Sure. Speaker 1: But all the Marines were in one barracks. And it was just a unit. There was like 16 of us. wasn't very many. Because it was a small base. You didn't need very many. And we were on the first floor of this barracks. And all the way up to the fifth floor was Navy personnel, because it was a Naval base, obviously. And the ships would port there, and they would allow the other sailors to come off and rest and go to the bar and do all the... the stuff that you do. Well, we got it in our mind to have a little toga party. And by we, I mean, it was me and two of my buddies that instigated this whole thing. And we got the entire barracks involved. So this was a five story toga party. And but who owned the bottom floor? The Marines. So we. Let who we wanted in and out. And if you lived in the barracks, obviously you got to come in. But if you were drinking, you didn't leave. Because the base was monitored. And if you were going to go out and be dumb, it would come back on us. So we kept a very tight ship that night. Until two staff NCOs show up and they're lit because they just came out from off base at the bars. And they're two Marine staff NCOs. And they ⁓ I have this story and I'll tell one more and then we should probably cut it because I know it's getting cut. Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's right. Speaker 1: So we're partying it up, dude, it's loud, everyone's having a blast, and it's all being contained in the barracks. These staff and sales come in, like, let's go on a toga run, come on! Speaker 2: She stopped. Speaker 1: I know over here, I'm like, no, that's stupid idea. So what happens is they talk all these other drunk sailors and Marines into running around this base in their togas. And they end it by jumping in the fountain outside of the BAS. So the medical center, water everywhere, break the fountain. This is Saturday, Monday morning. Corporal Kerner, we need to see you. I walk in, stand at attention in front of the commander. What happened? I was like, sir. I said, I'm not really at liberty to tell you what happened. I can tell you that I personally set this toga party up. I said, but I can also tell you that I personally kept everybody in the barracks. And he goes, that was a rhetorical question. There's 3,200 cameras on this base. We know what happened. But thank you for being honest. And he shoot me out the door. And I was like, and then the next thing I know, like an hour later, those two no longer staff NCOs came in just. reason they're pissed off because they thought I ratted them out. I didn't rat you guys out. I said, there's cameras all over this base. They knew exactly what you did before you did it. I said, but I didn't rat you out. I held firm. And to this day, I don't think they believe me, but I know I told the truth. And we'll end it on a good note. This is probably one of the funniest stories I have from my Marine Corps career. Same station in Bahrain, my four days off, me and three buddies decide to go out to ⁓ one of the hotels that's doing a champagne brunch. So we go in there and we tie one on pretty good. And we walk out and there's this Rolls Royce limousine sitting down front. It's running. And my buddy's like, you think that's, you think the doors are unlocked? I said, I don't know, let me check. So I walked over and I opened, it's unlocked. Open. I was like, hey, guys want to go for a ride? And they're like, yeah, let's go. Obviously we're, we're drunker than 10 Indians at this point in time. Stupidest, one of the stupidest ideas I've ever had. Hands down to this day, one of the dumbest ideas I've ever had. We get in this thing, we all pile on the front seat. And we start to drive away and all of a sudden the partition comes down. And there's this like 16 year old Saudi Arabian princess just screaming at us in Saudi. I don't speak Saudi. My boys don't speak Saudi. We're like, dude, what do we do? What do we do? And I'm like, hold on. I'll just drive around the block and we'll park it. So we drive around the block. I park it right exactly damn near pretty close to where where it was. Get out. Wipe. all the fingerprints and stuff off, because duh. And leave. Like, I mean, at quick pace, leave. Right. And again, that was this was a Sunday, Monday morning. We're standing in formation. Corporal Kerner, I need to see you in my office. I know what this is about this time. And I get in there and he goes, you want to explain to me what happened? And I said, are you asking about what happened at the champagne brunch? And he goes, yeah. I said, we may have had a little bit too much to drink and I may have taken a joyride in a car I shouldn't have. And he goes, you realize you could have started an international incident, correct? And I said, yes, sir. He goes, who's with you? I said, I'm not going to tell you that, sir. It was my idea and my idea alone. I said, it's not their fault. It's not their fault that they followed their corporal on a bad thought process. And he goes, are you going to stand on that? I said, yes sir. I said, if anybody deserves to go down for that stupidity, it's me and just me. He goes, okay. He goes, I appreciate your honesty. Not many people do that. And I said. And I said, sir, my grandfather told me that honesty sets you free. He was very well dismissed. And I said, I, I didn't about face and went to walk out there and say, ⁓ wait, hold on. He goes, you're not getting off scot-free. got 45 days of, of, of, ⁓ foundation. And I was like, very well. Thank you, sir. And I walked out and I served that 45 days of suspension. Nothing, no words, nothing. I hung out for 45 days. I colored and just like. worked out a lot. Fucking ran around the place like I was like, I ain't getting no more trouble here. Because we, we, we like it was like a shit show there. You could do whatever you wanted. Like we rented Lamborghinis. I crashed a Lamborghini into a mosque. Again, got out, wiped the fingerprints off and walked away. Cause we rented an under false name. Used cash. Like I don't understand how I'm still alive sometimes cause I did dumb stuff. But it, it's all led me to sit here to talk to you. And, if, and if anybody that watches this can take anything out of it, it's that the truth will set you free. It pays to be a good person. It pays to know people. and just. Be a good human. Because if you can do all of those things, no matter what the world throws at you, you're going to come out on top. And if you need that 12 minutes, just ask. Speaker 2: One final question. Who's a mentor in your life that you want to give a shout out to? Speaker 1: Like right now? Yeah. a mentor right now. His first name's Adam and he's my oldest daughter's godfather and he was my corporal when I was a ⁓ Lance Corporal when I first got into the infantry, into the fleet. And ⁓ he took me under his wing and he had only had one deployment ahead of me, but he took me under his wing and he taught me everything he knew. ⁓ He... He was the one Marine that win. I would pull that, it's gonna be me over anybody else. He knew I was having a baby. He knew what was waiting for me at home and he would be the one that was like, no, you're not going on this one. And was pissed at him at that point. Like, in the moment, I was angry. Like, how can you take me out of this? But as I look back on it now, like all he wanted to do was give me home. my daughter. If he wanted to get me home to my daughter. And he may not see this. I learned a lot from him. Speaker 2: I appreciate your time. appreciate your you sharing so much I knew I was right to ask you to come and be on the show Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you. I appreciate it. I have a feeling certain people that watch this will have a different light when they look at me next time. Yeah, positive. Yeah, definitely. Speaker 2: I hope so. For a positive. Yeah, but no, it's gonna be great. So I appreciate you taking the time. Speaker 1: Yeah, of course. Thank you very