Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / You’ll Give More Than You Ever Get as a Parent

Transcript

You’ll Give More Than You Ever Get as a Parent · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: There's something about parenting that means that you will give
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  Speaker 1: more than you will ever get back, and there is
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  Speaker 1: a need for us as parents to reconcile ourselves to that.
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  Speaker 1: If we're going to be effective in giving more than
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  Speaker 1: we're ever going to get back, because the rule is
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  Speaker 1: we're going to give more than we ever get back,
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  Speaker 1: Feeling resentful about that will undermine our joy as parents.
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  Speaker 1: Today a conversation about how much we really do need
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  Speaker 1: to give as parents, plus the value, the impact, the
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  Speaker 1: importance of family dinners as evidence by what's going on
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  Speaker 1: in the Colson household right now. It's our Friday edition
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  Speaker 1: of a Happy Families podcast I'll do Better Tomorrow and
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  Speaker 1: it starts right after this stay with us. Hello and
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  Speaker 1: welcome to the Happy Families podcast, where you get real
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  Speaker 1: parenting solutions every single day. This is Australia's most downloaded
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  Speaker 1: parenting podcast. We are justin and Kylie Coulson. We're so
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  Speaker 1: grateful you've joined us. Thanks so much for spending your
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  Speaker 1: Friday morning hanging out with us as we talk about
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: the week that was, the stuff that we've learned, the
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  Speaker 1: stuff that we've gotten right and wrong. Kylie, I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to kick it off today. Our fifth daughter is currently
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  Speaker 1: doing Grade eleven. It feels kind of crazy to say
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  Speaker 1: that that we've almost got five children through high school
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  Speaker 1: one year and three terms.
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  Speaker 2: I think we need a medal or some kind of award.
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  Speaker 1: Just a big sleep would be fine. And speaking of
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  Speaker 1: sleep at the moment, because she's doing this thing called
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  Speaker 1: Industry School, which we have found to be just tremendous
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  Speaker 1: for her and her school goals and the things that
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  Speaker 1: are important for her. She's getting up at the moment
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  Speaker 1: to do work experience, and that work experience just happens
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  Speaker 1: to be at the racing stables, which are about twenty
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  Speaker 1: minutes drive from here, and she has to be there
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  Speaker 1: mucking out stables and looking after horses from wait for it,
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  Speaker 1: four am.
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  Speaker 2: Well, you can't complain because last year it was three it.
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  Speaker 1: Was yeah, and then she also had to do some
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  Speaker 1: stuff in Brisbane which was even worse. But we've been
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  Speaker 1: getting up, well, you and I, yeah, we shared the load.
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  Speaker 1: You've probably done more than me, but we've been getting
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  Speaker 1: up and getting her down there for four am. That
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  Speaker 1: means a three thirty wake up and then we've got
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  Speaker 1: to pick her up because her day is done at
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  Speaker 1: eight eight thirty something like that. So we've got her
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  Speaker 1: home all day because she's doing work experience, and work
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  Speaker 1: is finished. The other day you dropped her off, but
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  Speaker 1: I had to pick her up. And what I didn't
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  Speaker 1: realize was that to get twenty minutes down the road
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  Speaker 1: and twenty minutes back during peak, during peak out traffic,
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  Speaker 1: it's no longer a forty minute return trip. It's more
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  Speaker 1: like an hour and fifteen, an hour and twenty. Guess what,
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  Speaker 1: I'm rewriting my boys book again. Ernest Hemingway said, writing
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  Speaker 1: is continually rewriting, and I don't have time to do
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  Speaker 1: this last edit. But I just wanted to go over
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  Speaker 1: at one last time, fine tooth comb sort of stuff.
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  Speaker 1: I don't have time. I don't have time to be
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  Speaker 1: spending an hour and a half in the car at
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  Speaker 1: that time of day when I'm supposed to be productive
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  Speaker 1: and I'm supposed to be in the office. So I
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  Speaker 1: got to the I drive down there. It was raining.
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  Speaker 1: I was frustrated at the traffic. She got in the car.
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  Speaker 1: She smelt like horse and horse poo. She was soaking wet.
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  Speaker 2: I was sweat, so it would have been a hundred times.
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  Speaker 1: I don't have leather seats in my car. I just
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  Speaker 1: got fabric seats, and so she was sitting in her
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  Speaker 1: wet clothes all over my seats, and she didn't want
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  Speaker 1: to talk because she was tired, because she'd been up
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  Speaker 1: since three point thirty. So she just kind of made
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  Speaker 1: herself comfortable on the seat, closed to her eyes, and
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  Speaker 1: she was pretty happy to snooze all the way home
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  Speaker 1: while I sat in the worst traffic and the worst rain,
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  Speaker 1: and I quietly seethed. I just got more and more frustrated.
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  Speaker 1: I was chafing. I was so angry. Angry is the
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  Speaker 1: wrong word. But I had stuff to do, important stuff.
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  Speaker 1: I've got a book to write. Don't you know how
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  Speaker 1: much this matters. I tried to have a chat with her.
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  Speaker 1: She was a little bit chatty, but then she was
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  Speaker 1: not chatty because she was tired. When we got home,
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  Speaker 1: there was no reason for me to be upset, but
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  Speaker 1: I just kind of, I don't know, there was a
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  Speaker 1: switch that flicked and I got really upset, not anyone
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  Speaker 1: in particular. I was just in a cranky mood because
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  Speaker 1: sometimes life's like that. I was thinking about the lost
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  Speaker 1: time and all of the editing that I could have done,
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  Speaker 1: and I could have been halfway through another chapter. And
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  Speaker 1: the stress that I'm under because of all the other
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  Speaker 1: things that have to be done on top of this
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  Speaker 1: boy's book, which is coming out in a couple of months,
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  Speaker 1: and I don't know how I'm going to get it
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  Speaker 1: all done. And I was started getting I was just
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  Speaker 1: getting really worked up. And then I said, she hasn't
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  Speaker 1: even said thank you, And I said loud enough that
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  Speaker 1: she could hear, and that cred a little bit of
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  Speaker 1: a stir. But I was thinking about it later and
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  Speaker 1: not only did I not exactly cover myself in glory
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  Speaker 1: and goodness in that moment, but I lost an hour,
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  Speaker 1: but I also ran the risk of losing a relationship.
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  Speaker 1: And the thing is with parenting, and I say this
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  Speaker 1: on the podcast a lot, you are always going to
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  Speaker 1: give more than your take and there's nothing that you
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  Speaker 1: can do about nothing that you should do about it.
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  Speaker 1: That's the nature of being a parent. When you sign
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  Speaker 1: up to be a parent, you are signing up to
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  Speaker 1: literally give your life for your children. And fortunately we
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  Speaker 1: don't have to sacrifice our lives and die for them,
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  Speaker 1: although maybe if you had to, you probably would, but
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  Speaker 1: giving your life means doing the little things. That means
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  Speaker 1: sacrificing an hour here and half an hour there, and
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  Speaker 1: an hour and forty there, and spending the money on
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  Speaker 1: this and taking them here and that sacrifice. Number One,
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  Speaker 1: they'll never understand it, and even when their parents, I
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  Speaker 1: don't know if they'll fully understand it because it'll be
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  Speaker 1: different for them than how it was for us. And
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  Speaker 1: number two, I don't think they're supposed to. I just
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  Speaker 1: think that the nature of parenting is that you give
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  Speaker 1: to your kids and hopefully they learn gratitude and they
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  Speaker 1: learn how to say thank you, and they show some appreciation.
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  Speaker 1: But they're never going to ever ever give more than
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  Speaker 1: they take, and they're not supposed to. They're not self sufficient.
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  Speaker 1: They're not able to do that. That was why I'll
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  Speaker 1: do better tomorrow. I need to stop being a sick
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  Speaker 1: about it. This is what parenting is. You give more
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  Speaker 1: than you'll ever get back, you give more than you take.
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  Speaker 2: I feel like there's a song in that.
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  Speaker 1: There's a new radicals you get what you give. I
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  Speaker 1: don't think that's how it works in parenting. You don't
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  Speaker 1: get what you give. You're given. You're given your give,
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  Speaker 1: and if you're lucky, you might get a little song.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe maybe we need to make one up. I reckon,
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to do this to JR. But after
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  Speaker 1: what he did with the K, I reckon he could. JR.
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  Speaker 1: You don't have to, but I reckon you could just
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  Speaker 1: step in.
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  Speaker 3: Search something too. But in parents Haim book, you'll get
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  Speaker 3: more than you love again, and you'll give more than
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  Speaker 3: you take. And that's just that's just.
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  Speaker 1: Well.
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  Speaker 2: I guess my story coming up is a good companion
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  Speaker 2: story to yours because it's really easy for us to
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  Speaker 2: think that we don't get anything back.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, it kind of feels like that.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, but there's a compound effect that takes place after
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  Speaker 2: years and years of giving that is priceless.
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  Speaker 1: All right, let's talk about that next.
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  Speaker 3: Go back.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: This is The Happy Family's podcast, Real Parenting Solutions, every
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  Speaker 1: single day, Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. Every Friday, we digest,
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: revisit the week that was and work out what we
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: did right or wrong so that we can be better
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  Speaker 1: parents tomorrow. Kylie, what's your older better tomorrow?
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  Speaker 2: I feel like we talk about this a lot on
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  Speaker 2: the podcast, but it just occurred to me the other day.
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  Speaker 2: I've had a lot of conversations with different people over
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  Speaker 2: the last little while who've been really intrigued by this
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  Speaker 2: idea of family dinner conversation.
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  Speaker 1: Imagine that, Imagine sitting around the table, eating meal and
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  Speaker 1: talking to each other. Is that what you mean?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah? And I take it for granted that what we
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  Speaker 2: do in our home is not necessarily what everybody else does.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, Like we think it's normal because for us it is.
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  Speaker 2: And so for over twenty five years now, we have
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  Speaker 2: set around the dinner table and had various conversations with
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  Speaker 2: our kids, and that compound effect of nightly gathering to
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  Speaker 2: get and sharing a meal and having conversations of goodness
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  Speaker 2: and helping our kids to recognize the ways in which
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  Speaker 2: they've made the world better or the ways in which
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  Speaker 2: other people have made their world better, the things that
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  Speaker 2: they're grateful for, the things that they're looking forward to.
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  Speaker 2: Have created a ritual around sharing a meal with our
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  Speaker 2: family that for me is priceless. And a few weeks ago,
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  Speaker 2: as we tried to navigate bringing the whole family together,
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  Speaker 2: we just do that once a week, our married daughter
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  Speaker 2: and our grand baby and son in law come and
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  Speaker 2: join us. And we will now add.
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  Speaker 1: As soon to be second.
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  Speaker 2: So and So's that's a once a week celebration of
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  Speaker 2: time together. And at the beginning of the year we
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  Speaker 2: tried to see if we might shift it from Sundays
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  Speaker 2: to maybe Saturdays, and it was actually our son in
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  Speaker 2: law who really put his foot down and he just said,
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  Speaker 2: you can't break tradition. This has been what we've done
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  Speaker 2: and it works, and it works for all of these reasons.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I hope he doesn't mind me saying that. I'm
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  Speaker 1: pretty confident that he won't. He's adopted, and there's something
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  Speaker 1: that we do where I think that that conversation, that
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  Speaker 1: discussion about what you're grateful for, that coming together as
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  Speaker 1: a family. I know that in the first part of
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  Speaker 1: this podcast, I said that you don't get much back,
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  Speaker 1: but as you said, it compounds and the things that
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  Speaker 1: he'll say around the table, the experience is that he's
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  Speaker 1: having the richness of family life that we get to enjoy.
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  Speaker 1: It does kind of actually make my little winge about
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  Speaker 1: having to get up and go for a drive in
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  Speaker 1: an inconvenient time paling to insignificance, doesn't it. Because the
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  Speaker 1: richness of those conversations and the gratitude that's expressed and particularly,
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  Speaker 1: I think that he stood up for that Sunday night
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  Speaker 1: ritual because it means so much. It means so much
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  Speaker 1: it is it's such a profound way for us to
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  Speaker 1: be together and have that experience.
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  Speaker 2: And the wonderful thing about is it extends beyond the
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  Speaker 2: kitchen table. It's dancing in the kitchen, it's singing at
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  Speaker 2: the top of our lungs. It's just creating joy and
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  Speaker 2: celebration in literally just being together. There's no rhyme or
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  Speaker 2: reason for it other than we're excited to come together.
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  Speaker 1: It's me grabbing that little two year old toddler, Indy
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  Speaker 1: and saying, let's read stories. She just comes to me. Now,
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  Speaker 1: she's like, the story's popped, let's read stories. Like she
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  Speaker 1: really she looks forward to it, and she knows that
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  Speaker 1: I'm the story reader. I'm the guy that's going to
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  Speaker 1: read her a story. No one else will, but I've
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  Speaker 1: got the stories and it's just awesome.
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  Speaker 2: And it seems that she keeps adding books to the
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  Speaker 2: list each week. It gets a little bit longer and long.
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  Speaker 1: One more, one more, one more. I think I read
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  Speaker 1: about nine stories the other night and it still wasn't enough. Anyway,
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  Speaker 1: We really hope that these ideas give you some thought.
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  Speaker 1: You do give a lot as a parent, and it
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  Speaker 1: takes a long time for it to compound and come
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  Speaker 1: back to but when it does, it is pretty rich.
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  Speaker 1: It's pretty wonderful. It's pretty hard to put into woods
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  Speaker 1: how many for it can be. But that investment is demanded.
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  Speaker 1: It's necessary day in, day out for twenty years, twenty
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  Speaker 1: five years, and that's when you start to see that return.
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  Speaker 1: But my goodness, what a rich return it is. The
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: Medium Having. It provides our additional admin support. For more
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: information to make your family happier, check out our ADHD
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: course on Happy families dot com dot au and have
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: a great weekend. Jesus successor.
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  Speaker 3: Good abarancing work. You give more than again back, You
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  Speaker 3: give more than you secon you give more than you
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  Speaker 3: forget that, you get more than you'd take. Advances through
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  Speaker 3: where it is