Latest / The Play Therapy Circle / Episode 11- Reflecting Feelings in CCPT

Transcript

Episode 11- Reflecting Feelings in CCPT · The Play Therapy Circle

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Hi there and welcome to the Play Therapy Circle.
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Before we begin, Please note this podcast is for
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informational and educational purposes only.
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It does not provide therapeutic advice and listening does not
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create a client therapist relationship.
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All views expressed are my own and any case example shared have
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been de identified to protect privacy.
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If you're seeking personal support, please reach out to a
0:27
qualified mental health professional in your area.
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Hi and. Welcome to an episode.
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Of the play therapy circle, I'm Kylie.
0:38
Ellison, a therapist, clinical supervisor and play therapy
0:42
trainer. And I'm so grateful you're here.
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This podcast is a space for thoughtful, soulful.
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Conversations about child centred.
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Therapy play based work. And what it means to show up
0:55
with presence and compassion, both for our clients and for
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ourselves. Whether you're a seasoned play
1:01
therapist, a. Student just starting out or
1:04
someone deeply passionate about working with children?
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You belong here. Hello everyone and welcome back
1:14
to the Play Therapy Circle podcast.
1:17
I'm your host, Kylie Ellison and I am so glad you are here.
1:22
Welcome everyone to episode 11. We are trucking along.
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We are getting these episodes done.
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So welcome to another week. I hope you all had a lovely
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weekend last weekend and going into the coming weekend, I have
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sadly had the flu. So if I sound a little bit
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different today, my apologies. I am still on the recovery
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train. Hopefully I will be better in
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the next couple of days. But it is, as I've talked to you
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guys before, it's spring here. It's getting warmer, the weather
1:57
is beautiful. And yeah, I hope wherever you
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are listening in the world that you are having a lovely week as
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well. I wanted to highlight that we
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discovered just in the last week that we have our listeners from
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around the globe, which is so exciting.
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So for those listeners listening from the USA, listing from the
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listening from the Netherlands and of course Australia, a big
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warm welcome to the Play Therapy Circle.
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We are so grateful that you are here.
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I am truly touched by so many listening and supporting our
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So please make sure you're following us on our Instagram at
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Play Therapy Circle Podcast to follow along our adventures and
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And of course, you can near us on Spotify and Apple Podcasts
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and wherever you enjoy your podcast.
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So thank you. Thank you so much.
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Especially a big shout out. Our biggest listeners in the USA
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are in Texas. So if you are listening from
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Texas today, a big warm welcome to you.
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I am so grateful. I personally do not know anyone
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in Texas that I've ever personally connected with.
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I love that it has made its way there.
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So I'm so grateful. And as always, we love your
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support and following along. And so please feel free to share
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your feedback along the way as well because we love that too.
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I hope you found a useful last week's episode when I've begun
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to introduce those key skills of child centred play therapy and
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we covered last week tracking. This week what I would like to
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do is cover reflecting feelings and next week's podcast will be
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on limit setting. So we really are getting back to
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basics and really starting from that foundational level up to
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talk about these different aspects of practise and of
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course, the element of skills and skill development.
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So I hope you found tracking helpful last week, that episode.
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So now we're going to dive into reflecting feelings today.
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What I want to set the tone, set the scene for this particular
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episode is looking at an understanding, reflecting
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feelings as being very much around naming and communicating
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back to the child the emotional tone behind their behaviour, the
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words or their play. I think that it is something
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that beginning play therapists do grapple with.
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And so I just for all of you out there who are beginning in this
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field, I just want you to know that you are seen and heard that
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this is a challenging skill even for those who have previous
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experience in delivering therapy and other modalities.
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There is a challenge when we step into the CCPT space where
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we're not necessarily getting that verbal confirmation from a
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child that we're on the right track when it comes to
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reflecting those feelings. So I just want to validate as we
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do in the playroom and recognise some of that anxiety for some of
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those beginning play therapists who might be struggling in this
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area. That is very normal and is part
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of that growth journey for you. So what are we doing?
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We're not just labelling those feelings and helping to build
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that emotional literacy, but we're validating the emotion
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underneath. So we are observing, which is
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all about that skill of tracking where we're taking in the
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child's play. We're taking time to observe and
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reflect what we're seeing. This is that next level of we're
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observing and reflecting what we're seeing in relation to that
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underlying emotion that the child is expressing.
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It's not just their play. And I think that can also be a
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beginning play therapist pitfall of focusing more on the play and
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on the behaviour and maybe any of the verbal communication you
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get in the playroom, but not necessarily looking at those non
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verbal cues and looking at those emotional expressions that may
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not be as obvious. So it's really important that
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when we're doing this and we're reflecting feelings, it's about
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helping the child feel truly seen and understood, not just
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observed. So This is why I've done it in a
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staggered process in these podcast episodes, because laying
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that foundation of that fundamental skill of tracking is
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important, but that next level of extension of your abilities
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as a play therapist incorporates both that tracking and then
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going deeper to reflect those feelings.
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So let's talk a little bit about it some more.
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So what's the rationale behind why we do this so very often?
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And we also know developmentally that children usually from the
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ages of two to 10 or a little bit older, really struggle to
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put words to their feelings. It is very common and I've
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certainly encountered it in the last 10 years as a CCPT
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practitioner that many parents will say to me, I just tell him,
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use your words, use your words. And it makes me a little
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uncomfortable because, and I obviously don't share that
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outwardly, but I am conscious of the fact that for many children,
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putting words to their feelings is not an easy task, nor is it
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something that they find achievable to do.
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Sometimes not not even trying, but actually being successful in
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communicating those feelings with words.
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So what we are trying to do in the playroom, and you guys
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remember I've mentioned this before, we very much abide by
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that principle that Gary Linds talks about in The Art of the
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Relationship around facilitating A socially acceptable
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relationship. And so part of that is role
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modelling as the play therapist, some of that reflecting of that
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feelings element in the playroom to help develop that emotional
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vocabulary and that emotional literacy so that they can then
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internalise and use that themselves.
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So it's not an overt process. We're not teaching the child,
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we're not saying, OK, this is what the word happy means and
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then showing a happy face. We're not doing that in the
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playroom. It is absolutely the agenda and
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at the pace of the child. But by using this skill
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throughout the work that we do, those moments and those
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opportunities to be able to reflect feelings comes up very
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regularly in our work. It absolutely provides
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validation to the child that their experiences are real.
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And this is something that I think is often a challenge in
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the child counselling space when we are working with parents and
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caregivers, when we meet for that initial consultation and
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they give us the history of the child and the back story of the
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child and those presenting issues.
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And then we meet the child in the playroom.
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And sometimes we get different information.
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What the parent has shared with us may be one part of their
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experience, but there's also all of these other elements that we
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get to witness and understand in the playroom.
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And some of that may be around trauma experiences that the
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parents haven't disclosed to us that the child wants to share
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with us in therapy. So it's very important that we,
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regardless of what we have been told in terms of the parent or
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caregiver or stakeholder input, that we validate their
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experiences and their feelings because for them, it's real.
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We want them to know that their feelings are acceptable and that
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they are safe in the therapy space.
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So that's all super, super important for that growth and
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learning and healing for kids. We also want to develop kids
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self awareness and their regulation.
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So when they hear those feelings mirrored back by us both in that
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verbal and non verbal communication.
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So we're doing it with our facial expressions, we're doing
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it with our tone of voice and we're using our words, we as the
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adults to reflect those feelings.
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The child then instinctively begins to connect with those
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body sensations and actions with words.
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So how cool is that, that we can have that experiential learning
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in real time by purely just reflecting back their feelings?
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So I hope it's starting to make sense about how powerful this
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skill can be. And certainly when I'm
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connecting with supervisees, one of the things that I'm always
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sharing is this idea of if we are really challenged, if we're
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throwing off our game, we're feeling like our congruence has
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been impacted. We're being rattled ourselves in
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terms of the content of the play, say.
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We are always as a first starting point going back to
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reflecting feelings, if nothing else in the playroom, because
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that helps to build and connect a therapeutic alliance with the
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child, but also helps in that de escalation in that validation
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and helps us to grant ourselves in the space as well.
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It, as I was just saying, strengthens the therapeutic
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alliance. The child experiences us as
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attuned, empathetic, trustworthy, authentic as well.
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There is so many benefits when we sit in that space.
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So it is incredibly powerful and incredibly valuable.
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It also, and it goes without saying, we come from our Carl
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Rogerian person centred roots in our psychotherapy of practise.
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So it's very much around Carl Rogers, certainly acknowledging
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and working from the premise that Rogers believed that
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empathetic understanding is at the heart of change.
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And I guess I extend to each of you listening, if it comes up
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for you, if you were to take a moment to think of a time and
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you can either do this now or later, that's OK.
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Where you have truly felt understood in your feelings.
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And that could be an interaction with a teacher, it could be with
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a peer, it could be with a neighbour, it could be with a
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parent, an auntie or uncle, whoever.
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When we think of those moments when somebody has truly seen us
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for who we are or truly empathetically understands,
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there is so much peace with that.
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As an adult, there is so much validation and there's so much
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healing with that. So that's what we're trying to
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offer to the kids in our playrooms as well.
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So what are some of those core skills we need to consider guys
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as especially beginning play therapist and even for those of
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you who are listening, who are seasoned, who need a little tune
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up in terms of some of your skills, here's some of those
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things to remember. So tone of voice is super, super
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important. So we want it to be warm, we
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want it to be empathetic. We want it to be connecting in
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the way that we are using our tone to communicate our message
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of how we are picking up on those feelings they're
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expressing and reflecting that back to the child.
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It's definitely not clinical and it's not over exaggerated
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either. We can do it in a calm voice.
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We can use simplicity when we need to.
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So when we have children that are say 2, we're going to
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reflect feelings differently to a 2 year old than we are to a 10
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or 11 year old. And that that just goes without
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saying. We acknowledge child development
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theory in that criteria. We want to match the intensity
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of it as well. I do find that this is probably
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one of the things that I go all in in the playroom when I am
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connecting with children, I don't think and everyone can
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have a different position on this.
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So I'm just sharing my view. I don't think myself and who I
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am as a person can be truly congruent, truly authentic if I
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am not matching that affect in the playroom and joining with
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them and mirroring what is happening.
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Because I want to really communicate both through my non
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verbal and verbal communication that I am empathetically hearing
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and understanding them. And I can't do that if I'm just
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using the words and I'm not giving any of that non verbal
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communication. So very, very important timing
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as well. So I guess I want to give you
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guys that permission for anyone who's been struggling with this,
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that not every action needs a reflection.
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And in fact, when we think about some of the roots of CCPT as
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well and some of that historical back story, when we look into
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our psychodynamic psychotherapy roots, that unconscious and
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conscious mind. And certainly the transparency
14:45
and countertransference we experience in the playroom is
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very much about sitting in the uncomfortable.
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And that's something we will talk about over the course of
14:52
the podcast and unpack further. But it is something I want to
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give you guys permission to do to not always have a reflection,
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not always have a response, that sometimes sitting in that space
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of respectful moment of silence and reflection, it can be just
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as powerful. So choose those moments that you
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want to deepen that connection would be my message.
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So we can give so many examples of how we do this guys.
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And I feel like when we are talking about this to beginning
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play therapist, we often say that an easy way to remove
15:30
ourselves from the playroom, not so much in terms of our physical
15:33
presence, but just in terms of what words we use and what
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statements we use is very much starting it with you or you are.
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And that really just strategically helps us to give a
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reflection back to the child as opposed to including us in that
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process. So instead of saying, I think
15:49
maybe you're feeling angry right now, I've used an I statement
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there and it's certainly been initially about myself and then
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what I think the child is telling me.
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Whereas if I phrase that to say something like you're feeling
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really angry right now, you're just letting me know that is
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very much about putting the child in the lead and validating
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what might be coming up for them.
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What I always share in this space that I think is so cool
16:16
about CCPT is that if we are reflecting those feelings and we
16:21
get it wrong, the child will correct you.
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So I think, again, we can have a nervousness and an anxiety
16:29
ourselves as beginning play therapists to have a go at
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reflecting feelings because we don't want to get it wrong.
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We want to get it right every time because we worry about what
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effect that would have on the alliance or on the child
16:41
themselves. And that's the incredible thing
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about this work is that it is so gentle.
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It's so led by the child. And the child gets to be the
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expert in this space. So they get to tell us if we get
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it wrong. And what an incredible moment of
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learning and healing for kids if we as an adult can say, oh, I
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got that wrong, I got that wrong.
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You're not frustrated. You are so mad.
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You are so mad and you're just letting me know because I got
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that wrong. That's so important in being
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able to show our authenticity, our congruence, and keeping the
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child in the lead, which is the point.
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So it's very important that we are starting with you where you
17:27
are and that we are having a go at some of those reflections to
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reflect both, as I said, non verbally and verbally what is
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happening for the child. So we might see the child take a
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big sigh and we might say something like that was really
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hard or that was really disappointing for you.
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And so I'm doing it both with my verbal communication, I'm
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sighing with them at the end. So I'm matching that intensity.
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I'm showing through my tone of voice and I'm showing through my
17:57
effects through my non verbal cues, my facial expressions as
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well. So it's a whole body experience.
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So we lean into so many important parts of that
18:06
connection in the playroom being about us being present, us being
18:10
able to connect, to put whatever is kind of happening before the
18:15
session or after the session parked at the door so that we
18:18
can be fully available to the child.
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And I think that if we're not, that is where sometimes we will
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struggle to do those reflecting feelings.
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Also, there may be that challenge if there is feelings
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that are uncomfortable for us to hold.
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And again, I think that that is such an important part of this
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work. And I will always say this, that
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as a play therapist, you are constantly learning and you
18:44
know, 10 years down the line, I've still got many years to go
18:47
in terms of learning this work and growing in my practise.
18:50
Because every child that I connect with is yet another
18:53
teacher, an incredible gift of a teacher that can teach me more
18:56
about my practise and myself at the same time that I am helping
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supporting their healing and growth too.
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So it is so important that if there is feelings or emotions
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that are triggering for us or impact our congruence or we pick
19:12
up on in that counter transfer parents that we're taking that
19:14
to clinical supervision and we're unpacking that with
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somebody safe for us or personal therapy or both.
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That is always a part of the work that we are taking care of
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us in that emotional space as well as the child noticing that,
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engaging in that self reflection, engaging in that
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journaling, whatever works for you to begin to understand what
19:38
that is about. Those feelings that activate you
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to be able to be your best version of yourself when you
19:44
come into the playroom each time with that child.
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But I want to be transparent and authentic, guys, because I live
19:50
and breathe this stuff that there is going to be things
19:52
because we're human as play therapists.
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And that's really important for us to recognise as well, is
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we're going to have bad days too.
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We're going to have hard days, we're going to have great days,
20:02
but it's going to ebb and flow and being able to be authentic
20:06
is absolutely the key for sure. What are some of the other
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pitfalls that we can get into here when we are doing this
20:14
particular skill as play therapists?
20:17
So definitely over using those reflections and using kind of
20:20
every opportunity to make a reflection, it can feel very
20:25
clinical, it can feel very mechanical or clunky and not
20:29
genuine when we are doing it too much and trying too hard.
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And so we want to be really mindful of that.
20:37
I think that another, I don't want to say if it's a pitfall,
20:41
but a beginning challenge for beginning play therapists is
20:44
often around missing the affect. So we focus on the behaviour and
20:51
we skip the emotion. So I Ioffer and extend that that
20:56
self reflection for all of you listening, has there been times
21:00
where maybe you have sat in that safer route of just tracking or
21:05
reflecting content as opposed to having a go instead in
21:09
reflecting those feelings? Because if you are, if you're
21:13
feeling kind of a little bit of that resistance to going a
21:15
little bit deeper, again, please unpack this, explore this as
21:20
part of your learning and growth as well.
21:22
Because I think it's sometimes safer for beginning play
21:26
therapists to follow the play as opposed to observing, stopping
21:31
and observing and then having a go at reflecting feelings
21:33
instead. Important to consider.
21:36
It's also important that we are aware of our own assumptions as
21:42
therapists. So being really careful not to
21:45
project our own feelings, this is where counter transference
21:49
comes in, guys. So what is a way to counteract
21:54
that and be able to navigate that?
21:57
There's lots of different ways, obviously, but in terms of that
21:59
language, my message is to go gently, to go calmly with that
22:05
real level of compassion and connection when we are doing
22:10
those reflections instead. It's important that right now
22:13
you're letting me know. I think that looking at that is
22:18
very important in terms of the language that we use to start
22:23
with. You're feeling really and then
22:26
having a go with that, really starting with those kind of
22:28
basics if you're feeling stuck would be very helpful.
22:33
And really taking notice of just using beginning fairly sort of
22:38
succinct statements so that you can begin to reflect some of
22:43
those feelings rather than us being motivated or driven by
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some of those feelings that we are experiencing in that moment.
22:52
Keeping it directed and reflected towards the child is
22:55
really important. OK, so when we are looking at
23:01
our own self reflection, which I've talked a little bit about
23:04
over this podcast, I really want to offer a space to give you
23:09
that opportunity to notice when certain emotions stir for you in
23:14
the playroom. And that's something to consider
23:18
and reflect on with your supervisor and in your work.
23:23
What could that look like? So when you observe sadness, do
23:28
you want to fix that quickly for the child in the playroom,
23:31
especially if you've got, say a two or three year old in front
23:34
of you in the playroom? Is your instinct or your
23:37
immediate response to try and console or help or fix for the
23:42
child? And that can also go for older
23:45
kids as well. When we see older kids who are
23:47
struggling to complete a task. Oftentimes when we are working
23:51
with children, especially with a trauma background and even more
23:55
so in the population of kids with experiences of domestic
23:58
violence, we can certainly observe kids with a term we use
24:03
in play therapy called learned helplessness.
24:06
And that has been part of their survival is to defer
24:09
responsibility to the adults because it kept them safe
24:12
through their experiences. And so when we see that in the
24:15
playroom, it may be our instinct to jump in and fix because we
24:20
just want to help the child to feel better.
24:23
So noticing what comes up and stirs for us when we meet,
24:27
certain presentations in the playroom and certain emotions in
24:31
the playroom like disappointment, like
24:34
helplessness, all of those really tough feelings that kids
24:37
express and how we want to respond and being really mindful
24:41
of staying true to our CCPT protocol, which is really
24:44
important. Reflecting feelings requires the
24:47
therapist to sit with the child's discomfort without
24:50
rushing. And this is where I think
24:53
imposter syndrome comes in a little bit guys as well.
24:56
That comes and goes throughout your career.
24:59
I wish it was something that didn't stick around, but it
25:02
does. And I just want to normalise
25:04
that for anyone in the beginning of their journey or a long way
25:07
down the line, sitting in the uncomfortable without rushing
25:12
can really test our commitment to trusting the process,
25:15
trusting ourself, and trusting the child.
25:18
Because we truly, if we live by our principles of CCPT, we
25:23
believe in that self actualization principle that
25:26
children will move towards that personal growth if given the
25:30
right space to do so. That includes not putting them
25:33
on a timeline prescribed by adults, which is a whole other
25:39
podcast, you guys on funding. Let's not talk about that
25:42
tonight. So being able to sit in the
25:44
uncomfortable, very important. We need to be looking at in
25:48
extending your practise, guys. For those of you listening who
25:51
are struggling with this particular skill, have a go at
25:54
it outside of sessions. Role play with colleagues, role
25:58
play with other connections in your network.
26:01
Not for the purposes of any kind of therapeutic intervention, but
26:04
just having a go at reflecting those feelings.
26:07
It is very helpful in really cementing that skill into your
26:11
practise. Try reflecting feelings in your
26:14
everyday conversations. It can be a great tool to use in
26:19
helping to really hear in those more adult conversations, verbal
26:24
communication to be able to help those that you're listening to,
26:27
to feel validated and heard. I've done a number of conference
26:31
presentations over the years, and I did one about 12 months
26:35
ago now. And one of the activities that
26:37
we do in my presentation is I get participants to turn to the
26:42
person next to them and for 5 minutes we get one person to
26:45
talk and the other person is the listener.
26:48
And they're only allowed to reflect those feelings for 5
26:51
minutes. So it's something that you can
26:53
do, you can try it, you can practise it to really strengthen
26:57
that skill. What I also want to encourage
26:59
you guys is to embrace those mistakes.
27:02
Embrace those mistakes. Sometimes we're not always going
27:05
to get it right as play therapists.
27:07
We're not perfect, not perfect guys, but like I said earlier,
27:12
if we're wrong, the child will correct us.
27:14
So how great is that? You really actually can't get it
27:18
wrong because if you do get it wrong, you'll get it right
27:21
because the child will tell you. So that still models that
27:23
emotional communication when they do correct us, which is
27:26
great as well. So reflecting feelings is just
27:30
one of those skills guys that we are introducing in the podcast
27:33
and really going through those fundamentals of child centre
27:36
play therapy. So where does it sit?
27:39
As I was saying earlier, that kind of the start we've got
27:41
tracking and then reflecting feelings.
27:44
There are other skills that really integrate nicely with
27:46
this particular skill. So returning responsibility and
27:50
that encouragement versus praise is also very heavily linked to
27:54
reflecting feelings to together and using them together builds a
27:59
safe and growth focused environment in the playroom,
28:03
which is fantastic. So I want to wrap up this
28:07
podcast, guys. I'm actually on time.
28:10
I'm only at 30 minutes. This is incredible.
28:13
I really enjoyed talking through this skill because I think it is
28:17
one of those fundamental skills in CCPT that for beginning play
28:22
therapist is tough to, I guess, master.
28:25
I don't even want to say Master 'cause I feel like we're
28:27
constantly evolving as play therapist, but to feel you have
28:30
a handle on because it is very different to other modalities,
28:35
even those psychotherapy modalities where we might have
28:38
had reflecting feelings. This is a different level when
28:41
we're working with kids because we're not getting necessarily
28:43
that verbal input back to say that we're on the right track.
28:46
So we really have to use all of our tools and our toolkit to
28:50
implement this particular skill. So let's just summarise what
28:53
I've talked about in Reflecting Feelings.
28:55
We're helping children to put words to their emotions,
28:58
validating their experiences, helping their self regulation
29:02
skills and building a deeper therapeutic relationship.
29:06
How great is that? We've just listed like 4
29:08
benefits of doing these Reflecting Feelings.
29:10
So This is why it's so important you have a go.
29:14
What I want to offer you is that extension for reflection at the
29:17
end of the podcast. Sometimes I remember to do this,
29:19
sometimes I don't. But today I remembered.
29:21
So what I want to extend to you, extending from the activity I
29:27
mentioned earlier in this podcast with this question to
29:31
you, when did you last truly feel understood and what impact
29:37
did that have on you? And if you really want to expand
29:42
your reflections, I have a second one.
29:45
How do you notice children express feelings without words?
29:51
Some big questions, you guys. That brings us to the end of
29:55
episode 11. I hope that some of these
29:58
reflections and the information I've shared on Reflecting
30:00
Feelings has been helpful for you and your practise.
30:04
Like I started this episode saying, I am so, so incredibly
30:08
grateful for all of the support of the podcast.
30:11
We're continuing to grow and continuing to reach more
30:14
listeners, and I'm so proud of that.
30:16
We would love your feedback. So please feel free to connect
30:20
with us, as I said on social media, on our Instagram page, at
30:24
the Play Therapy Circle podcast, give us a follow on Spotify,
30:28
Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcasts.
30:31
And thank you so much for listening.
30:32
What are we going to do next week, guys?
30:34
Hopefully I'm going to be a little bit better.
30:36
I'm not going to have the flu next week, you guys.
30:38
So thanks for listening when I've got the flu.
30:41
So I'm going to feel better next week.
30:43
I'm putting it out into the universe.
30:44
But also, episode 12 is going to be on limit setting, the good
30:51
stuff, right? The stuff that we as play
30:54
therapist, beginning play therapist, especially struggle
30:57
with. And I want to talk about my
30:59
journey in really incorporating limit setting and seeing it as
31:03
such a pivotal component of the work that we do in the playroom
31:07
where I definitely struggled in the beginning.
31:09
So I can't wait to share with you guys my journey.
31:12
But hey, thanks everyone for listening.
31:14
Thank you so much for your support.
31:17
Look after each other and look after yourself and I will see
31:20
you again next week. Bye.
31:24
Thank you so much for being here for another.
31:26
Episode of the Play Therapy Circle.
31:29
If anything resonated with you today, I'd love it if you could
31:32
follow the podcast. Share it with a.
31:34
Colleague or leave a. Short review, it really helps.
31:37
Others find our circle, and if you have a topic or question
31:42
you'd love me to explore, I'd love to hear from you.
31:45
This space is for you. And I want it to feel like a
31:48
conversation. Until next time, take care of
31:52
yourself and remember you belong here.