Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #27: How to Have an Honest Conversation with Your Adult Kid to Become the Parent They Need Right Now

Transcript

#27: How to Have an Honest Conversation with Your Adult Kid to Become the Parent They Need Right Now · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

0:00
SPEAKER_00: If you're a parent of an adult child, worried and frustrated because they are struggling to become independent, responsible, and find purpose in their life, or you want to know what to do to prevent it, you're in the right place.
0:13
SPEAKER_00: This is Launch, a podcast that helps you guide your adult child to launch confidently into adulthood.
0:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jones, author, educator, and co-parenting consultant, taking a deep dive into the ongoing challenges that you're faced with as you watch your adult child struggle.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: Each episode will deliver actionable steps and strategies that you can take to help your young adult become confident, motivated, and self-sufficient.
0:39
SPEAKER_00: Parents, if you want your adult child to achieve a life of independence, thrive in this world, and reach their full potential, then listen in to launch.
0:50
SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
0:53
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever stopped and wondered, what's it been like for your child to grow up with you as their parent?
1:01
SPEAKER_00: What version of you lives in their head?
1:04
SPEAKER_00: If your child had to describe you, what would they say?
1:08
SPEAKER_00: The answers could be very revealing, possibly even terrifying.
1:13
SPEAKER_00: Now, most of the time, these episodes are about what you can do for your adult child, how to support them, teach them, communicate, and connect.
1:22
SPEAKER_00: But today's episode is not about that.
1:25
SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about something so impactful, so impressionable, that we can even call it your legacy, which is interesting because most people think of a legacy as something tangible that you inherit or leave behind.
1:39
SPEAKER_00: But not in this case.
1:41
SPEAKER_00: More on that later.
1:43
SPEAKER_00: The idea for this episode came to me because I'm always asking myself, how can I help you become a better parent for your adult child?
1:53
SPEAKER_00: And let me be clear, I'm not saying you're a bad one.
1:56
SPEAKER_00: In fact, it's the opposite.
1:58
SPEAKER_00: If you're listening to this podcast, it's because you care so much and you really want to help your kid.
2:04
SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing about parenting.
2:07
SPEAKER_00: You can't do that if they don't respect you, trust you, and think that you don't have their best interest at heart.
2:15
SPEAKER_00: So let me ask you, are you being the parent they need right now or the parent you think you should be?
2:23
SPEAKER_00: And there is a difference.
2:24
SPEAKER_00: Now, before I get into this, I want to take you down a rabbit hole, but I promise it won't last long.
2:31
SPEAKER_00: I want you to think about your parents for a moment.
2:34
SPEAKER_00: Think back to some of your most impactful memories of them, the ones that left a lasting impression on you as a person.
2:43
SPEAKER_00: Now I know that for many, those thoughts could be quite unpleasant, possibly even traumatic, but I also hope that you have some positive memories.
2:52
SPEAKER_00: And as you reflect, I want you to ask yourself, was there anything your parents did or didn't do that you wish had been different?
3:01
SPEAKER_00: A quality about them you would have loved to change, something you needed more of, but didn't get.
3:08
SPEAKER_00: Now, imagine that either one of your parents are in front of you and you are able to tell them the truth about what they did that negatively impacted you.
3:19
SPEAKER_00: What would that be?
3:21
SPEAKER_00: Okay, come back and take a deep cleansing breath and excel out whatever uncomfortable thought might have crept into your head.
3:31
SPEAKER_00: Now I want you to see yourself in another scenario.
3:34
SPEAKER_00: You're in a room with one of those two-way mirrors, and one of your kids is sitting on the other side of it.
3:41
SPEAKER_00: You can see and hear them, but they don't know you're there.
3:45
SPEAKER_00: They're having a conversation with somebody and they're being asked the same questions I just asked you.
3:52
SPEAKER_00: Is there a quality about your parents that you would love to change?
3:57
SPEAKER_00: Something they did too much of or didn't do enough?
4:01
SPEAKER_00: And how would you best describe your parent?
4:04
SPEAKER_00: You look over at your child, waiting, wondering, maybe a bit worried about what they're going to say.
4:12
SPEAKER_00: Do you have any idea what's going to come out of their mouth?
4:15
SPEAKER_00: Honestly, if you don't know what your kids think of you, that's very telling.
4:20
SPEAKER_00: What I can only assume is that if you don't know, it's because A, they never told you, or B, you never asked them, because C, you don't want to know.
4:31
SPEAKER_00: But why not?
4:32
SPEAKER_00: If your kids could tell you what they need from you, something that could help them or even improve your relationship, wouldn't you want to know?
4:41
SPEAKER_00: Wouldn't that make it easier for you to connect with them?
4:44
SPEAKER_00: Think back to your own childhood again.
4:47
SPEAKER_00: If you had been able to tell your parents what you really needed and they had actually listened and made a change, how would that have affected you?
4:55
SPEAKER_00: If they were abusive, too controlling, or emotionally distant?
5:00
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they drank too much, didn't support you, or you never felt comfortable talking to them.
5:06
SPEAKER_00: Any of those behaviors have shaped you.
5:08
SPEAKER_00: Now imagine how different things could have been if they'd been open to change and willing to grow.
5:15
SPEAKER_00: How might you be different today?
5:18
SPEAKER_00: What kind of relationship could you have had with them?
5:20
SPEAKER_00: There's so much power in self-awareness and self-reflection.
5:25
SPEAKER_00: But this isn't about revisiting your childhood.
5:27
SPEAKER_00: You can't change the past.
5:29
SPEAKER_00: What you can change, what you do have control over, is how you show up with your own children today.
5:37
SPEAKER_00: So let's take a moment to look at that and see what comes up.
5:41
SPEAKER_00: What is your kid saying about you in that room?
5:44
SPEAKER_00: Are you supportive, controlling, judgy?
5:48
SPEAKER_00: Would they say you encourage them to grow, or that you tend to hold them back?
5:54
SPEAKER_00: Are you too tough or too soft?
5:57
SPEAKER_00: Would they say they can tell you anything, or that they have to keep things from you?
6:02
SPEAKER_00: And here's what's really important.
6:05
SPEAKER_00: Would you be willing to hear their opinion and make changes if it meant building a more meaningful relationship with them?
6:13
SPEAKER_00: Let's be honest, feedback is never easy to hear, and it's even harder when it's about you as a parent.
6:20
SPEAKER_00: But I learned something powerful many years ago that changed the way I see constructive feedback, and I'm going to share it with you.
6:27
SPEAKER_00: And then I'm going to walk you through how to have an honest conversation with your adult child where they can share their opinions about you and you listen without getting defensive or shutting down.
6:39
SPEAKER_00: When I was younger, I went to this camp and we had these bull sessions, which were open discussions about whatever personal issues we were having with one another.
6:49
SPEAKER_00: We were a group of 12 teenage girls living together for a whole month, so you can just imagine the drama.
6:56
SPEAKER_00: The counselors facilitated these talks, which gave us each an opportunity to air our grievances, to make amends, and move forward in a safe space.
7:06
SPEAKER_00: If an issue was about you, you had to sit there and listen to the other person share their feelings.
7:12
SPEAKER_00: Afterward, you were encouraged to explain your actions, but you had to be respectful.
7:17
SPEAKER_00: Looking back, I applaud those camp counselors for doing this, even though I was often the one in the hot seat.
7:25
SPEAKER_00: Back then I was a bit mouthy and I lacked a filter.
7:28
SPEAKER_00: Hard to imagine, right?
7:30
SPEAKER_00: But eating that humble pie, realizing how my words or actions impacted another person, and then owning up to it was nothing short of growth-inducing and humanizing.
7:41
SPEAKER_00: How often do we get to experience that today?
7:45
SPEAKER_00: Really listen to how other people perceive us, reflect upon our actions, and then acknowledge or apologize to that person who we might have hurt?
7:54
SPEAKER_00: The answer is rarely.
7:56
SPEAKER_00: And the reason why we don't ask people what they think of us or how we can improve ourselves is because we don't care enough to change.
8:04
SPEAKER_00: But what if that person is your kid and knowing what they think of you and what they need from you would only help them and improve your relationship?
8:13
SPEAKER_00: What if the stakes were that high?
8:15
SPEAKER_00: What if listening to your child's feedback is the difference between having a shallow, distant relationship or a meaningful, lifelong connection?
8:24
SPEAKER_00: If you love your child unconditionally, without any ego, no defensiveness, then this could be the greatest transformation between you and them.
8:34
SPEAKER_00: For some people, myself included, being an inquisitive person comes naturally, and I've always been curious how others perceive me.
8:42
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was because of those damn bull sessions, I don't know.
8:45
SPEAKER_00: I mean, they happened almost 50 years ago, and I still remember the good feelings, how the tension lifted and the bonds between us would deepen.
8:53
SPEAKER_00: So I've never been afraid to ask people that I care about what they think of me, especially my children.
9:00
SPEAKER_00: When my son was younger, I would ask him a lot of questions because I wanted to know him so that I can be the best parent for him.
9:08
SPEAKER_00: You see, he and I went through a lot together.
9:11
SPEAKER_00: When he was turning three, I divorced his father.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: I packed us up and moved us out.
9:17
SPEAKER_00: A few years later, we moved to another city.
9:20
SPEAKER_00: My son changed schools several times, and when he was six, I became pregnant.
9:26
SPEAKER_00: As we moved through life together, I always wanted him to know that I was someone he can talk to, someone who understood him.
9:34
SPEAKER_00: And because I raised him on my own, I was both parents to him.
9:38
SPEAKER_00: I was tough, but I was also his most loving support system.
9:42
SPEAKER_00: And asking him questions was my way of connecting to him.
9:47
SPEAKER_00: With my education in psychology, my experience, and growing up with two brothers, I was very aware that getting boys to talk openly was an obstacle course of sorts.
9:58
SPEAKER_00: Deciphering the mumbled replies and interpreting the grunts, the shrugs was practically an art form, and it turned into my superpower.
10:06
SPEAKER_00: I had a system, which I implemented with my son.
10:10
SPEAKER_00: Fairly basic, but I'll share it with you.
10:12
SPEAKER_00: I would ask him a question and tell him to answer me on a scale of one to ten.
10:17
SPEAKER_00: Ten was very, one was barely.
10:20
SPEAKER_00: I also knew that the game of mom asking questions had a time limit.
10:24
SPEAKER_00: Once, during a very difficult life transition, I took him to a nearby soccer field.
10:30
SPEAKER_00: Some questions needed a bit more than the standard one to ten.
10:33
SPEAKER_00: So we played a game.
10:34
SPEAKER_00: The rules were simple.
10:36
SPEAKER_00: Every time I scored, I got to ask him a question, and he needed to answer me using words.
10:42
SPEAKER_00: We all know that most kids before a certain age are like open books.
10:46
SPEAKER_00: So starting him off early made this easy.
10:49
SPEAKER_00: And as the years passed, he became very comfortable telling me how he felt about most topics, and we really didn't need to play the numbers game.
10:58
SPEAKER_00: I'll never forget this one time.
11:00
SPEAKER_00: It was the night before I was driving him off to college.
11:03
SPEAKER_00: We were going out to one of his favorite restaurants for dinner, and as we sat down, he looked at me and said, Mom, I'm gonna let you ask me five questions, and I'll answer them in detail.
11:14
SPEAKER_00: I was blown away.
11:16
SPEAKER_00: First off, I was totally unprepared, which he planned for.
11:19
SPEAKER_00: And second, I loved that he knew how important this was to me.
11:24
SPEAKER_00: He called it his farewell gift.
11:26
SPEAKER_00: My first questions were easy, but the last one was gonna be tough for both of us.
11:32
SPEAKER_00: I asked him if there was anything I could have done better.
11:36
SPEAKER_00: Something he wished was different.
11:39
SPEAKER_00: You know, when you choose to divorce your child's father, you always worry if you've crushed their world.
11:46
SPEAKER_00: Thankfully, his response to that question wasn't anything earth-shattering.
11:50
SPEAKER_00: If you're wondering, it was related to sports.
11:53
SPEAKER_00: It's worth mentioning that communicating with my daughter was very different.
11:57
SPEAKER_00: She wasn't interested at all in the one to ten game.
12:00
SPEAKER_00: The first time I asked her, she looked at me as if I had two heads.
12:04
SPEAKER_00: She didn't understand the assignment and thought it was ridiculous that she had to put a number to something that she could easily talk about, especially at night when it was time to sleep.
12:13
SPEAKER_00: My daughter always preferred to use words to describe her feelings and thoughts.
12:18
SPEAKER_00: From the moment she could talk, she wore her heart on her sleeve right up until she got her period and started high school.
12:24
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that was a funky stage.
12:25
SPEAKER_00: But she's in her twenties now, and we talk about everything.
12:28
SPEAKER_00: I'm really glad I got to experience raising one boy and one girl.
12:33
SPEAKER_00: The other day I mentioned this episode to my daughter, and she turned to me and said, So what do you think we would say about you as a parent?
12:40
SPEAKER_00: I was not expecting that.
12:41
SPEAKER_00: Silly of me, really.
12:42
SPEAKER_00: My daughter's doing her master's in psychotherapy.
12:44
SPEAKER_00: Of course she would ask me.
12:46
SPEAKER_00: And so I told her.
12:47
SPEAKER_00: She was quiet.
12:48
SPEAKER_00: I must have been right to some degree.
12:51
SPEAKER_00: Amongst other things, though, I admitted that I wasn't perfect.
12:54
SPEAKER_00: But honestly, looking back, I wouldn't have changed a thing.
12:58
SPEAKER_00: So yes, I do know how my kids feel about me.
13:01
SPEAKER_00: The good and the bad.
13:03
SPEAKER_00: That's how I work on being a better parent.
13:05
SPEAKER_00: My kids are both very open and expressive about our relationship.
13:09
SPEAKER_00: In fact, episode 20, The Art of Raising Kids Who Want to Hang Out With You, you'll hear both of my kids at the start of the episode expressing their opinion of me as their mom.
13:18
SPEAKER_00: That intro wasn't planned.
13:20
SPEAKER_00: It was from a video that my kids put together for my 60th birthday.
13:24
SPEAKER_00: With their permission, I use those recordings.
13:27
SPEAKER_00: My children learned how to express themselves because of modeling.
13:32
SPEAKER_00: I've always been very open with how I feel about them.
13:35
SPEAKER_00: And not just by saying I love you, but really getting into it.
13:39
SPEAKER_00: Every birthday card, every celebration, and once they had cell phones, they have always received mini essays from me, letting them know what I love about them, what personality traits make them so special, and so on.
13:53
SPEAKER_00: And that's why I believe they do it for me.
13:56
SPEAKER_00: I can't recall a single birthday card or Mother's Day card that doesn't have the most beautiful sentiments.
14:01
SPEAKER_00: And no, they never started with mommy dearest.
14:05
SPEAKER_00: My kids are adults now and we are really great friends.
14:08
SPEAKER_00: They know that I'm far from a perfect mom and that I'm always working on improving myself.
14:14
SPEAKER_00: Recently I told my kids that I'm still learning how to parent them as adults and to give me grace when I mess up.
14:21
SPEAKER_00: I think they were surprised to hear that at the age of 60, I still don't know everything, but also pleased that I could openly share that with them.
14:29
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so now it's your turn.
14:31
SPEAKER_00: If you've never had a heart-to-heart conversation with your kids, it's not too late.
14:36
SPEAKER_00: In fact, there's no time like the present.
14:39
SPEAKER_00: They might be surprised, but I think they'd appreciate it.
14:42
SPEAKER_00: If you want to know how to broach this topic, I'll share that with you, but your intentions have to be made very clear.
14:49
SPEAKER_00: You want to be a better parent for them and build a lifelong relationship.
14:55
SPEAKER_00: There's two parts to this assignment.
14:57
SPEAKER_00: The first is self-reflection.
14:59
SPEAKER_00: I want you to really take some time and think about these questions I'm going to ask you.
15:03
SPEAKER_00: What type of parent do you think you've been?
15:06
SPEAKER_00: In other words, how would your children describe you?
15:10
SPEAKER_00: Would they say you're a good listener?
15:12
SPEAKER_00: Have you made yourself available to your kids?
15:14
SPEAKER_00: And not by doing everything for them, I'm talking about being emotionally present for them.
15:19
SPEAKER_00: Do you know what's going on in their life?
15:22
SPEAKER_00: Do you know what their interests are?
15:24
SPEAKER_00: Do they confide in you?
15:25
SPEAKER_00: Do they ask you for your guidance?
15:28
SPEAKER_00: Are you encouraging them to discover themselves rather than follow a path that looks good on paper?
15:34
SPEAKER_00: Do you see them for who they are, not what you hope they become?
15:39
SPEAKER_00: Do you support them without enabling them?
15:42
SPEAKER_00: Do they respect you?
15:44
SPEAKER_00: Do they know what you love about them?
15:47
SPEAKER_00: These are not easy questions I'm asking, but hopefully they will make you think about yourself as their parent.
15:53
SPEAKER_00: You could be the sweetest, kindest, most loving parent, but if you're feeling a disconnect from your child and there is minimal communication or maximum discomfort because you're always walking on eggshells around them, you're really gonna have to change your approach and work on your relationship if you want to help them to find their way.
16:13
SPEAKER_00: Which brings me to the next part, the conversation.
16:16
SPEAKER_00: This is where the rubber meets the road.
16:19
SPEAKER_00: You've done enough reflecting.
16:21
SPEAKER_00: Now it's time to actually talk.
16:23
SPEAKER_00: Are you still there?
16:25
SPEAKER_00: If you haven't left yet, here's how this is gonna work.
16:28
SPEAKER_00: I'm warning you though, these questions might not be easy for them to answer.
16:33
SPEAKER_00: I'm sure you would love to use the one to ten approach, but those are reserved for young kids and young adults who struggle with expressing themselves.
16:42
SPEAKER_00: Well, actually, if your kid feels so uncomfortable with your questions and you're seeing them struggling to answer, then go ahead and give them the one to one through ten option.
16:50
SPEAKER_00: It will go like this.
16:52
SPEAKER_00: On a scale of one to ten, ten being very and one being barely, do you think that I, for example, am a good listener?
17:01
SPEAKER_00: That's exactly how I said it for years.
17:03
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so here are the questions that will help you to see yourself through your adult child's eyes.
17:09
SPEAKER_00: Feel free to modify them or add in a few of your own.
17:12
SPEAKER_00: Here's how you'll start.
17:14
SPEAKER_00: I've been thinking about the kind of parent I've been to you over the years, and I'd love to know if there's something you wish I could work on or do differently.
17:22
SPEAKER_00: I'm open to hearing anything.
17:24
SPEAKER_00: In fact, I've prepared a few questions.
17:27
SPEAKER_00: If I can suggest one thing, pick an appropriate time and place to have this discussion.
17:32
SPEAKER_00: By the way, I've put these questions in the show notes, so don't worry about writing them out.
17:36
SPEAKER_00: Okay, here they are.
17:38
SPEAKER_00: What would you say are my greatest strengths as a parent?
17:42
SPEAKER_00: What are some aspects about my parenting that you'd like me to work on?
17:47
SPEAKER_00: Do you feel you can talk to me about anything?
17:50
SPEAKER_00: Do you believe that I truly support you and that I always have your back?
17:55
SPEAKER_00: Would you say that I'm a good listener or am I too opinionated or overreactive?
18:01
SPEAKER_00: Is there anything in your life that you're not comfortable talking about because you think I can't handle it?
18:07
SPEAKER_00: Is there anything you wish you could say to me?
18:11
SPEAKER_00: These questions could stir up some really emotional conversations, but hopefully it'll benefit both of you.
18:18
SPEAKER_00: If you think you can do this, here's a few pointers.
18:22
SPEAKER_00: Discomfort is often the catalyst for change.
18:26
SPEAKER_00: Remember, your role here is to be genuinely curious, not defensive.
18:31
SPEAKER_00: You want your child to feel safe enough to speak their truth.
18:35
SPEAKER_00: That means putting your ego aside and acknowledging out loud that you are not perfect.
18:41
SPEAKER_00: None of us are, but this stage of parenting is hard and it's humbling.
18:46
SPEAKER_00: Own your mistakes.
18:48
SPEAKER_00: Let your kid know you don't always get it right or have all the answers.
18:52
SPEAKER_00: Admit that you're still learning how to parent them as an adult.
18:56
SPEAKER_00: Because the truth is you are.
18:58
SPEAKER_00: And when you say that, you'll be amazed at how much more they'll open up to you.
19:04
SPEAKER_00: Apologize if you need to.
19:06
SPEAKER_00: And let's be honest, you will probably have to at some point.
19:09
SPEAKER_00: But more importantly, let them see that you are willing to change.
19:14
SPEAKER_00: Because the goal here is to become the kind of parent your adult child needs now, and hopefully the kind of parent you want to be remembered as.
19:23
SPEAKER_00: This exercise, this time of self-reflection and open communication can change everything for them and for you.
19:31
SPEAKER_00: When you're brave enough to see yourself through your child's eyes, you give yourself the chance to grow.
19:38
SPEAKER_00: And you give your relationship with them the chance to heal, to deepen, and to thrive.
19:43
SPEAKER_00: I said earlier that your legacy isn't about leaving something like life insurance or a trust fund behind.
19:50
SPEAKER_00: It's not the house you leave them or any of the stuff in it.
19:54
SPEAKER_00: Your legacy as their parent is the impact you leave on your child's heart.
19:59
SPEAKER_00: It's the way they'll remember you.
20:02
SPEAKER_00: It's the values you've lived, the love you gave, and the emotional imprint you left behind.
20:09
SPEAKER_00: All that matters is that with you, they have felt seen, heard, respected, and empowered to become their most authentic self, whatever that is.
20:21
SPEAKER_00: So go ahead, walk into their room or take them out somewhere and have that bull session.
20:29
SPEAKER_00: That's how you become a better parent.
20:32
SPEAKER_00: One that they'll remember long after you're gone, not just for what you did, but because of how you made them feel.
20:39
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.
20:41
SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
20:47
SPEAKER_00: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
20:56
SPEAKER_00: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
21:03
SPEAKER_00: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
21:08
SPEAKER_00: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
21:17
SPEAKER_00: It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most.
21:21
SPEAKER_00: Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question.
21:26
SPEAKER_00: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
21:32
SPEAKER_00: Talk to you soon.