Latest / FINE is a 4-Letter Word / 214. I Divorced My Parents with Andrew Quebbemann

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214. I Divorced My Parents with Andrew Quebbemann · FINE is a 4-Letter Word

0:00
Welcome to Fine is a Four Letter Word, the podcast that
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empowers you to say fuck being fine. Tired of being
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stuck in a place. Where you say everything's fine when it's really
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not fine at all? You're not alone. I'm your
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host, Lori Seitz. I've been there too, and so have
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my guests. Here's a secret all it takes is
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a conscious decision to change and then restructure
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beliefs so your actions take you in the right direction.
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That's where Fine Is a four Letter Word comes in. Each
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week you'll hear inspiring stories from people who have transformed
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their lives and businesses, and practical tips and
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takeaways to move you from spinning in place to forward
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Thanks for tuning in. Let's get started.
0:54
Raised in a hardworking Catholic family that seemed picture perfect from the
0:57
outside, Andrew Quebbemann learned early on the value
1:01
of self reliance and doing things for yourself. But it was
1:05
during a pivotal moment at age 16 when he
1:08
chose not to get confirmed into the church, that he first
1:12
exercised the courage to honor his own convictions over
1:16
societal or familial expectations.
1:20
That decision, viewed as rebellious by his parents, was
1:24
also his first bold step toward living authentically
1:27
and questioning what really worked for him rather
1:31
than simply following the script laid out for him.
1:35
This early demonstration of independent thinking set. The
1:38
stage for a pattern that has. Defined Andrew's adult life.
1:42
Whether leaving corporate America after looking around and finding no one
1:46
he wanted to emulate, or choosing to go plant based
1:49
overnight simply because it felt right for his body,
1:53
Andrew developed what he calls psychological agility,
1:58
the capacity to make swift decisions and take action when
2:01
something no longer serves him. However, this same
2:05
strength became a source of deep conflict within his family,
2:09
where relationships had always been transactional and
2:12
understanding seemed impossible to achieve. After
2:16
years of trying to navigate increasingly difficult family dynamics
2:20
that affected both him and his wife, Andrew made the painful
2:24
decision to request a three month break from his parents to
2:28
reevaluate their relationship as adults. Their
2:31
response was a brutal phone call filled with insults,
2:34
which marked the beginning of a three year estrangement that
2:38
continues today despite Andrew's willingness to
2:41
engage in family therapy. The loss of his parents
2:45
while they're still alive has required Andrew to mourn a
2:48
relationship he thought he had. He candidly shares how stepping
2:52
away from toxic dynamics allowed him to embrace self
2:56
care, protect his marriage, and redefine how he wants to
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show up in the world through therapy and a daily
3:03
meditation practice. Inspired by Indian mystic
3:06
Sadhguru, Andrew has learned to find peace within himself
3:09
rather than seeking validation from those who may never be
3:13
capable of providing it. His story illustrates the
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heartbreaking reality that sometimes loving someone
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means accepting that a healthy relationship with them may
3:24
not be possible. And making decisions that honor your
3:28
well being is necessary for survival.
3:37
Hello and welcome to Fine is a four letter word. My guest
3:41
today is Andrew Quebbemann. Welcome to the show, Andrew.
3:45
Hey Laurie, thanks for inviting me on. Absolutely.
3:49
We had a really interesting pre show
3:52
conversation. You know, I don't know where this one's going to go, this
3:56
conversation, but I think I might have mentioned we
3:59
should have recorded that one when we were having it. But. But I know that
4:03
this is going to be a really interesting topic and it's something that we
4:07
haven't covered before. So eager to get into it.
4:11
Andrew, what were the values and beliefs. That you were raised with
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that contributed to you becoming who you are in. Terms
4:18
of the values and beliefs? My house, if you looked at it on
4:22
paper, definitely a stereotypical childhood in that
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what we do, what you would want. Right. Great schools.
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Got to play sports. You know, I grew up playing hockey and my
4:33
parents were both very hard workers. We did everything ourselves.
4:38
And as a kid there wasn't much to realize. It was
4:42
just the way that things were. But as I kind of grew older into
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my teenage years, I think my first act of major rebellion,
4:49
you know, I was raised in a Catholic household and believe me, I have nothing
4:53
against the that church or that faith at all. But it came
4:57
time I was 16, it was time for confirmation, which is like the final step.
5:01
And that's where you make your commitment to be part of the church forever.
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I personally wasn't square with why
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I wanted to do that because I felt if I was going to do it
5:12
it would be because everyone else was saying I should do it.
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When to me, everything that was presented, it felt
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like it should be a personal decision, it should be one because I believe it
5:23
wholeheartedly. And then this is my commitment to being part of it forever.
5:27
And so I decided to not get confirmed. Huge
5:31
actor for Billy. Yes. And
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at the same time it is seen that way, right?
5:39
Yes. But you are standing up for your beliefs. Yeah.
5:43
So that started something. So
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I've always like that started this ability of mine to
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be able to make a decision about a part
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of my life and then make an action then as a result of it. And
5:57
a smaller example would be I wasn't feeling good, I didn't feel like my diet
6:00
was in the right spot. So I went plant based not because of any ethical
6:04
reason. I just felt better that way. And I just. One day I wasn't,
6:07
the next day I was. And so my parents kind of
6:11
viewed me not getting confirmed as reflection
6:15
on them, as parents, reflection on our relationship with them.
6:19
It started me kind of taking a look a little bit
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closer at the balance of our relationship. And I started
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to realize that back and forth, our
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relationship was very transactional. So because they work
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so hard, because my mom was a small business owner, my dad taught us all
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kinds of things around for projects around the house. Everything was,
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I did this, so now you do this, or I did
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this, so now I get to do this. It was a lot of that
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as an adult. That trend continued.
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And it, it started to turn into conflagrations when you
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introduced my brother and his ex wife. And then
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eventually, you know, I met my wife and then these same patterns start to
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happen. And so every time we get together, we feel like
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we're not understood, all of us. And so it's like, we know one get
7:12
together is going to turn into two conversations. It's going to be the get together
7:15
and then it's the conversation to fix it.
7:19
Wow. I know. You jumped right into the, like,
7:23
meat of things, which I appreciate
7:27
and we will come back to. But before we
7:31
keep going on that, I, I can really appreciate
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how even at 16, you had this, this
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ability to evaluate, is this working for me?
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Am I doing it for the right reasons? Yeah. Which I think is
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unusual, especially for teenagers. I had a similar situation and I
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was forced into going through something similar
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because even though I didn't feel like it was the right choice for me,
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I kind of wasn't allowed to say no. But,
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like, yeah, there's a conversation there to be had around
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respecting people's choices. Whether you,
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I don't know, like, there's a fine line, right, between making sure that your
8:13
kids do the right thing that you believe is the right thing for them
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and letting them have their own viewpoints and
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make their own decisions. You know, my dad in particular took that as a sign
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of lack of respect for him at the time. I tried to make
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clear that that wasn't the case. And, you know, we've not really talked about this
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particular event a whole lot since, but it was the beginnings
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of me realizing, I guess my own adulthood
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at the time was pending, in which I was making decisions that were,
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for me, that I thought was what was in the best
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interest. And, you know, for that particular decision,
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like, I didn't hurt anyone else. I didn't hurt myself.
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So there was not really a larger impact. Yeah.
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To the larger community around us. Right, Right.
9:02
We'll come back to that in a second. But how did that ability or
9:06
choice to start looking at things and evaluating them
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from your perspective as opposed to how society wants you to
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be? Like, how did that play out as you grew
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into adulthood, like, separate from your family issues?
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I was always looking at things like,
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take corporate America. Like, I started my career off in biotech and
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pharmaceutical manufacturing, selling services to them.
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And every time I would hit a new company or a new job,
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I'd look around and say, who around here would I want to
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emulate? Who has the career or the lifestyle
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or who looks or acts
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like I would maybe see myself doing in whatever
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X timeframe? And if that answer came back to be no
9:56
people, then that would kind
10:00
of lead me to go look for other employment to
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the point that I wasn't finding at all what I wanted in
10:07
corporate America. And then chose the path of entrepreneurship
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and started my project around helping people
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with personal finances and business finances.
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And it's been like a whole nother world. And I found where I want to
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be for the next, you know, 30 years, hopefully. So
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it was that constant evaluation. And then if this isn't working
10:30
quite. That's okay. Then let's pivot.
10:33
Yeah. Who are some of the people that you found
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in your current line that you looked up to that you
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thought, that's. That's what I want to be
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or. Who I want to be? Yeah. So I finally found
10:50
it's. It's a mix of two people right now, but it's the
10:53
CEO of our current group. And then
10:57
what is my managing director in the world of finance is a little weird that
11:00
I would kind of have a line manager and it's my own
11:04
practice, so it's a little bit of a franchise model that way, but it'd
11:08
be great. Colton Bakken and Victor Goldman, they've been
11:11
absolutely tremendous supporters. They treat everyone around them really well.
11:15
They've been independently successful, and yet they keep coming back
11:19
to assist the those that are
11:23
following because a lot of people help them along the way as well, and
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they've been absolutely tremendous. I think one of the key
11:30
takeaways that I'm always looking for in conversations here is
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find, like, find the role models that are
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the people who you would want to be, and if you can't find them where
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you are, keep looking. Like, keep going to go to different places.
11:45
Yeah. I fully believe, like, you have a limited amount
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of Time on this planet, right? And this is not my quote, but
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people only think other people die,
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right? So with that limited time,
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then find the people around you that are going to build
12:06
you up. Find the people that are going to be a positive in your life
12:10
at all times. And if you make a mistake, they're there to say, hey, let's
12:13
brush you off, figure out what happened, and let's keep going.
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The people in your life that bring you down, that, you know, even say it
12:22
in a nice way, be like, well, I wouldn't do that if I was you.
12:26
Like, that's a negative statement. Like right now you do you.
12:31
Yeah, exactly. So find the person that just says,
12:35
that's great, tell me more. And
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like, I found that person, my wife, I love her to death. She's been so
12:42
hugely supportive. Because this whole thing for me being an entrepreneur has not been easy,
12:46
as probably any entrepreneur would say, you know,
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so that's where I've constantly looked to have those people in my life.
12:53
And anyone that's been outside of that or
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their acquaintances may be at best, but they're
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certainly not part of the inner circle. I find it interesting.
13:06
And maybe you're like an old soul because
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you're, because you've learned this at I think a
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much younger age than a lot of people. For a lot of people, it
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takes them like their whole life to get to that point where they're.
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Or they never get there, where they're willing to evaluate what is the
13:24
energy that I want around me. What are like the people who are
13:28
bringing that energy, the good energy and keeping out the
13:32
people who are not, who don't feel supportive.
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And I think it was Bob Proctor who had said many years ago
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that something about keeping, like
13:45
not to necess that you don't necessarily have to cut those people out who
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don't support you, but you just don't spend very much time with them.
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And. And that works for some people. I know it didn't work for you. So
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let's come back to that family story because.
14:00
Because you did something I find very courageous
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in protection of your own energy. So we had hit a
14:08
point of the relationship between myself, my parents,
14:12
my brother. We had a Thanksgiving
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that was not good. And
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it was a situation in which
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we had really a day full of things that were
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just contentious filled and we're gonna. Was gonna require a lot of,
14:33
you know, patching up. And since I did not
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feel like I was ever being heard or
14:40
understood via the phone, because
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every time I would say something, there would Be a defensive aspect
14:48
coming back at me. I wrote everything down
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and I sent it in an email
14:57
basically saying that I would like to try a break
15:01
for three months. No contact. Let's come back after we've had
15:05
a chance to cool down and reevaluate what we want, our relationship now as
15:08
adults. Like, they're still my parents, I still love them. Right, right.
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But I want to evaluate like us to just take a breath.
15:18
Two days later I got a phone call from both of them.
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So they called on the line together and
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they started in so hard and I, I won't
15:30
say everything that they said because I don't even know. I put the phone down
15:33
in my lap. It was so bad. It was like
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there's nothing I'm going to say that's going to change anything. I'm not.
15:40
Again, kind of going back to. I'm not going to onboard this energy. I put
15:43
the phone in my lap and we just waited until I knew
15:47
that like the sound was over. That then started
15:51
the three month break because it was, it was pretty
15:55
gnarly what was all being said on the phone there. This
15:58
a serious amount of insult. Yeah, I, I can only
16:02
imagine. I mean, we can't know for sure. How they were
16:06
feeling, but
16:09
obviously not. Open to having a conversation
16:13
about how. To shape this
16:16
relationship is as adults.
16:21
Yeah. And that was the beginning. Like I started going to therapy not
16:24
long after and I felt loss, I
16:28
felt alone. I felt like, like I didn't
16:32
understand why
16:36
my request to try to make the relationship better was being met
16:39
with such resistance.
16:43
And through the process of therapy at the time,
16:47
what we came to realize is I was mourning the loss of the
16:51
relationship that I thought I had. So they didn't die. Yeah, but I didn't have
16:55
the relationship that I thought that we had or that you
16:58
wanted or that I wanted. Both. Absolutely.
17:02
You know, I don't have kids yet, but we
17:06
want to. And like I always imagine my dad bouncing our kid
17:10
on his knee. Now, I'm not sure that that's ever going to be possible.
17:14
Yeah. Because at this point now, we haven't talked in about
17:17
three years. We tried to
17:21
talk, but I was put in a position where I
17:24
was therapist, I was son and I was brother and I
17:28
couldn't wear all three hats and get us through everything. And so
17:32
I had requested, hey, could we sit down with a
17:35
professional therapist, a family therapist and talk this out?
17:41
That was the end. Yeah, that was a hard, hard note. And that was it.
17:45
I mean, it sounds like you've taken the mature approach to this,
17:50
and the other participants have
17:54
not wanted to go that way, and
17:58
that's okay. Like, you're. You're. It sounds like you're
18:02
getting to a place of acceptance. Even though you don't like it, you're
18:06
accepting. This is what is.
18:10
And at the same time, like you said,
18:13
you're still mourning the loss of that relationship.
18:18
Yeah, it's. You know,
18:22
I know other people are, I'm sure, going through things, you hear where
18:26
stuff happens in families, but
18:29
to actually have done that, like, I.
18:33
At the same time as I feel like a loss of them
18:37
as parents, like, I can't pick them up, pick up the phone and call them
18:40
and say, hey, you know, this just happened. Yeah. Either
18:44
excited or sad. I don't have the ability to do that.
18:49
But at the same time, because I know
18:53
everything was defensive, and a lot of the relationship I felt like was coming from
18:57
my side anyways,
19:01
then it's kind of going back to that negative energy.
19:05
I don't pick up the phone and feel like I'm defensive with them
19:08
anymore either. And so that the net
19:12
result is I'm sad about the relationship overall.
19:16
Absolutely. And I still love them. And if they came to me today and said,
19:19
hey, Andrew, would you want to do this therapy thing? We'll try it once, I
19:22
would say yes,
19:26
but at the same time, I have to protect myself. I have to protect my
19:29
wife because she was getting wrapped up into things.
19:33
And so then that result is, unfortunately, in this case,
19:37
positive. Yeah. Yeah. And there
19:40
are plenty of people in the world, I'm sure, who. And
19:44
I mention this word again, who wouldn't have had the courage
19:48
to say the things and take the actions
19:52
that you took to protect themselves and
19:55
your immediate family and would just be
19:59
like, well, they're my parents. That's how it is. That's what I have to. This
20:03
is what I have to endure and put up with it at their own
20:06
expense. Yeah.
20:10
Yeah. I don't know how to
20:14
encourage other people to do the same. If this is what's happening. I
20:17
definitely encourage the conversation. You know, try to get a third party
20:21
involved if possible, because it wasn't fun to go through.
20:25
But overall, what I realized is that I don't feel.
20:29
And my brother and I talked about this the other day, actually, we don't feel
20:32
like we were ever understood, not as kids, not as adults.
20:36
And both of us have taken a stance in our adult lives
20:40
and our professional lives to make sure that we
20:44
do our absolute damnedest to understand where
20:47
other people are coming from. So I do it with my financial
20:51
practice. Obviously, all those conversations are hugely personal. I eventually
20:54
end up knowing, you know, people better than sometimes their best friends. Yeah.
20:58
And. And he is a government official
21:02
that protects people for a living
21:07
and, you know, tries to right wrongs for victims.
21:11
Yeah. So we've both kind of chosen a. A path
21:14
in a different way. But both of us emphasize
21:19
understanding and empathy in our professional
21:22
and. And personal lives. And I think that's maybe the, you
21:26
know, the silver lining to this. Otherwise, I was going to say that. Yeah,
21:30
that seems like that might be a sliver of silver
21:34
lining in the experiences that you've been through.
21:38
You had mentioned in our previous conversation. Yes, you.
21:42
You, the therapy piece, but there was another piece
21:45
of a practice that you do now that has helped
21:49
you stay grounded and balanced and
21:53
find peace. Tell me about that.
21:57
Yeah. So that
22:01
I go. It's a wonderful coincidence in life or the universe. Put it in front
22:04
of me or a higher being, whatever you want to believe.
22:08
I ended up listening to, ironically, in this case, another podcast,
22:12
and listened to a gentleman be interviewed by the name of
22:16
Sadhguru. And he is an Indian
22:19
mystic. And
22:23
I was listening to him talk about energies
22:27
and balance and
22:31
how to. How you
22:34
have the ability to set the emotions. You're in control of your own
22:38
head and what's not taught to us.
22:43
And I would say even within the Christian faith for which I was raised,
22:47
it was always taught that the responsibility
22:51
for myself lie outside of myself. And
22:55
his message of the responsibility for myself can lie within
22:58
myself. And I have the power to make my
23:02
life in the way that I want really resonated with
23:06
me. And I ended up buying one of the books
23:10
I download, downloaded the app, and I started meditating
23:14
for 14 minutes a day, sometimes twice
23:18
a day, depending on the day.
23:22
After the first time that I did it, I came back
23:26
into the other room where my wife was, and she said, your face
23:30
looks so relaxed. Like, what did you just do
23:34
the first time? The first time after 14 minutes. First
23:37
time after 14 minutes, that's all it took. And it
23:41
didn't stay that way. I had to go back and do it again because the
23:43
tension. You can brush your teeth, but you got to do it every day.
23:48
Exactly. So just like exercise, just
23:52
like brushing your teeth. I found it definitely
23:55
works best if you keep up with it. You stay consistent with it.
23:59
And it was just a really cool way he
24:02
made the. The meditation accessible.
24:07
It wasn't like I had to sit there for an hour. You could, but you
24:09
don't have to. And you can still get some pretty tremendous results.
24:15
Yes. And so have you become like a.
24:19
An evangelist for sad guru
24:23
meditation? I will say, overall, do
24:26
what works for you. Meditation, to me
24:30
is. It's. It's parallel to,
24:34
you know, getting on your knees and praying. If you're a Catholic or, you know,
24:38
following, you know, Islam or whatever the faith is,
24:41
taking the time for yourself to sit there and quiet without a screen,
24:45
without your glasses on, and take that
24:49
peaceful moment for yourself, even if it's under 15 minutes a day.
24:53
Like, that's what I'm. You know, I'd promote it to anyone.
24:57
I think that chance to collect your thoughts is just
25:01
enormous. It is. And there's a
25:04
ton of science and research behind the
25:08
benefits of it. Like, it's not just you and me saying,
25:11
hey, I did this, and I feel good, so you should do it.
25:15
And. And I think to your point, too, right. It's. It's about finding what works
25:19
for you. If that app works for you, great. I use a different one
25:22
that works for me. Whatever. It doesn't matter. Yeah.
25:27
Finding the thing that works for you. Just
25:30
like finding, you know, standing up for
25:34
your beliefs at 16 and
25:38
today or three years ago or whatever it is. Like,
25:41
what works for you. If it works for you. Does. Does your wife do
25:45
the meditation too? No. After she saw the
25:49
results with you? No. No. She appreciates it and she's
25:52
glad I'm doing it. Okay. She's the beneficiary.
25:56
Yeah. She's like, you know, you're awesome. Keep doing that.
26:01
No, she. She does, you know, her own
26:05
time in her own way. She prefers a long walk,
26:09
actually. Okay. Is her preferred method. And if she
26:12
can, that's by the beach. If not, you know, just through the neighborhood here.
26:16
When you. I know you had shared in our previous conversation,
26:21
why, after all the things
26:24
that went down with your
26:27
estrangement from your parents, you moved across the country,
26:32
but for a reason that makes sense,
26:36
and that is because you have
26:39
fortunately found a
26:43
healthier family. Right. To
26:47
enmesh yourself in. I don't know. I mean, you were mar. You were already married.
26:51
Yeah. You have the. The beauty of this
26:54
is. And I guess maybe I don't want to say it made it
26:58
easier, but it gave you a. Maybe a role
27:01
model to go, wait, this is what my family looks like, and
27:05
this is what her family looks like, and I don't want this, and I
27:09
want. This is. Am I misinterpreting?
27:13
No. I think at the end of the day,
27:19
I knew What I wanted out of relationship. Like, I know what I want out
27:22
of other people in my life to the best extent that I can.
27:26
But I did go out and look for my wife actively
27:30
and we were engaged with it in three months. Like
27:34
I went at one point, I looked at her like, we're done. Right? Like,
27:38
this is so romantic. Yeah, it was not my most romantic
27:42
moment. I made up for it with the actual engagement, but the,
27:46
you know, with, with her, her parents,
27:51
I did find that they were, they reacted in a different way
27:55
to situations. I am happy to say
27:59
that we have a wonderful relationship together. They have been hugely supportive. We
28:03
could not have made the move to California without them. For those of you that
28:06
don't know, California is a little bit more expensive to live than North Carolina.
28:10
So. So they have been immensely
28:14
supportive in this transition and in me starting, you know, my
28:17
project with the financial practice. And
28:21
it has been wonderful. And, and I do very much appreciate their support and I
28:25
thank them all the time for allowing us the option and the
28:29
flexibility to, for me to pursue my dreams, for her to pursue her
28:33
dreams, and for us to be together, you know, here in California.
28:37
I think this, the, the reason I bring this up and it sounded a little
28:40
like all over the place when I started this part
28:44
of it, but the, the lesson, I
28:48
don't know that lesson is the right term, but that we
28:51
often go through really hard things that we don't want
28:55
or that we. Don'T like in order for us to. Be more
28:59
clear on what we do want.
29:02
Like you intentionally sought out somebody who
29:06
had a. Lived through a different situation or who was presenting you with a
29:10
different. A different environment. Yeah, I
29:14
guess at the end of the day, I'm a believer in manifestation. And
29:18
I'm sure other people on your podcast have said that before. I'm certainly not the
29:21
first one to say it, but I believe you are the reflection of the
29:25
energies around you. And that's like. To take it back to the meditation, why that's
29:28
been so helpful for me. And I've seen in my personal life
29:32
and my professional life, me being calmer,
29:36
me releasing, like I carry so much tension in my face. It's
29:40
unbelievable. And I didn't realize it, you
29:43
know, constant birth, raw or furrowing my
29:47
cheeks and my jaw, you know, constantly tight.
29:53
When I am consistent every day
29:58
those relationships get easier. I start to find what I'm looking
30:01
for better. I don't get mad at people in traffic.
30:05
Right. It's just this knock on effect of taking those
30:09
14 minutes a day has had this
30:13
really, for me, a profound impact on my life in such a
30:17
positive way. And it could have been through any medium, like I
30:21
said before. But the correlation, you
30:24
know, I can't prove that one caused the other, but the correlation is definitely
30:28
there. Yeah, well, there. There have been studies that
30:32
will prove it, so you don't have to. Yeah,
30:35
yeah. What advice would you have for someone who's
30:39
listening, who may be facing a similar situation
30:43
or having to make similar decisions about, let's say,
30:46
just about cutting out energies that aren't working? Try something
30:51
once. Maybe start small. Like, it.
30:54
It took me seven or eight years to realize
30:59
the energy around my family, but
31:02
the energy around, like, what I was. Let's just take working out.
31:06
Right. Something really easy. Obviously, everyone knows that they should do it.
31:10
Just start there. Start for 10 minutes a day and see if you can make
31:14
that promise to yourself and then keep that promise to yourself. Then
31:18
move on to diet, then move on to, you know, if you want to be
31:21
a larger member of your community. But I would
31:24
say definitely try one thing.
31:29
Start small and see how you feel
31:33
after that. And check in. Does that make me feel good? Oh, that did make
31:36
me feel good. I'm gonna do that again. And
31:39
that's how I think I handle it when I'm trying to get through some of
31:43
this stuff. And not every day is easy, I promise you. Like,
31:47
I have some bad days, and my wife will tell you more than. Anyone,
31:51
but we all do because we're human. Yeah, exactly. So
31:55
celebrate that fact. Be a human. So start small and try.
31:59
Because the anxiety around the in between state,
32:02
the, you know, should I, shouldn't I, Could I, couldn't I. Why shouldn't
32:06
I, you know, get. And then getting mad at yourself for then not doing
32:10
the volunteer work or the diet or the exercise or the. You want to learn
32:13
a language or you want to go on a certain trip, like, that's what hurts
32:17
the. The. The. The yes or the no feels great.
32:21
Yes and right. So it's that in indecision
32:26
that keeps you in anxiety. Make a decision either
32:29
way and you can change it down the road. But
32:33
make that decision and it takes you out of that
32:37
uncertainty and it. Can be, no, no feels good. No means you don't have to
32:40
chase it anymore. It's great. Right? Right. Yeah. Give yourself
32:44
permission to decide. No, it's not for me, or it's not for
32:48
me right now, and put it. Put it away. Yeah, it's okay, too.
32:52
This was a powerful conversation. Yeah, it was fun.
32:56
Thank you for joining me today. Andrew, before we go, you
33:00
mentioned working out. I don't know. Is that when you listen to the song that
33:03
you need to. That you listen to for an extra boost of
33:06
energy? Yeah. So for.
33:10
That depends on the week. But the. What I always end
33:14
up coming back to is Lincoln Park. They're my,
33:18
my hype band. My, my hype songs are all theirs. Okay. So
33:22
Hybrid Theory is my favorite album. Uh, so it was really tough for me to
33:25
pick a song. Okay. But
33:29
One Step Closer if, if you had to push Be One Step Closer. By Lincoln
33:32
Park, I. I wasn't going to push, but since you volunteered,
33:37
cool. All right. I'm gonna put a link to that in show notes. If people
33:40
wanna take a listen, if someone wants to continue a
33:44
conversation with you, where's the best place for them to find you?
33:48
Uh, the best place to find me definitely is LinkedIn and
33:52
I have all my contact information in there for anyone happy
33:56
to chat with anyone about, you know, the different things that we talked about today
34:00
or for my professional life if you've got questions.
34:04
I know that's something that not all financial professionals listen
34:08
and understand and hear what their clients
34:11
tell them. And that's a big part of our core
34:15
values and what we do for folks. So happy to, to be there for you.
34:19
Yeah, I think you have illustrated that in our conversation
34:23
today of, of what you've been through gives you that
34:26
ability to really listen to what people have to say.
34:30
Thank you so much for joining me today on Fine is a four letter
34:34
word. Thank you, Lori.
34:40
You just got a raw and honest look in at what it really means to
34:44
honor your own truth. If you've ever found yourself struggling
34:48
with the combination of family dynamics, self worth and
34:51
giving yourself permission to change, Andrew Quebbemann
34:55
shared some essential guidance. Here are a few
34:58
takeaways to help you weave the wisdom of this conversation into your
35:02
own life. Number one, you have the right to question
35:06
inherited beliefs and values. From a young age, Andrew
35:10
learned to pause and ask, is this really meant for me?
35:14
For him, it meant making a faith decision, choosing a
35:17
plant based diet and walking away from corporate America.
35:21
It's empowering, not rebellious, to revisit
35:25
your beliefs and choose which ones you want to carry forward.
35:29
Number two, you can't make people do something they don't want
35:33
to do. Despite Andrew's reasonable request for family
35:36
therapy to work through their issues, his parents hard
35:40
refusal revealed they weren't interested in genuine resolution.
35:44
You can't heal relationships with people who refuse to acknowledge there's
35:48
a problem or do the work required for change.
35:52
Number three is tied closely to that previous one.
35:56
Protecting your peace sometimes requires hard boundaries,
36:00
even with family. Many people believe family ties
36:04
are unbreakable. But Andrew's story shows that
36:07
sometimes the most loving thing you can do for
36:11
yourself and for them is to step away and
36:14
stop trying to force a dynamic that brings out the worst
36:18
in everyone involved. It's not about cutting people out
36:21
lightly, but about fiercely protecting your own energy,
36:25
healing and future. Number four
36:29
Self reflection and personal growth are ongoing
36:32
processes. Whether it's therapy, meditation, or
36:36
simply checking in with your gut, it's crucial to create
36:40
space for yourself to examine what feels aligned and what doesn't.
36:44
As Andrew discovered, you can't just brush your teeth
36:47
once daily. Practices like meditation or taking
36:51
quiet time are essential to staying balanced and grounded.
36:56
And number five Indecision is more exhausting than
37:00
making a choice sitting in that in between
37:03
Should I stay? Should I go? Should I say yes or no?
37:07
Breeds anxiety and unrest. Andrew's advice?
37:11
Start small experiment and check in with how you feel.
37:15
The simple act of making a decision, even if it's no,
37:19
brings relief and clarity. You can always
37:23
make a different decision later. Life is an
37:26
experiment and an adventure, and as Andrew's journey
37:30
illustrates, courage is often the quiet act of
37:34
choosing yourself day by day. Thanks for
37:38
listening To Find is a four letter word. If you've enjoyed the
37:42
show, please follow and share it with a friend. Leave a review on
37:45
Apple Podcasts or. Your favorite platform to help others
37:49
discover it too. You can find links to my socials. On
37:53
my website zenrabbit.com and before you go,
37:57
take a moment to reflect on what you're grateful for today.
38:00
Remember, you have the power to create. A life you love
38:04
and I'm proud of you. Thanks for joining me.
38:07
Take care.