Latest / Parent's Talk with Francine Juhlin / EPISODE 9: Breaking the Pattern - Getting Kids to Respect Your "No"

Transcript

EPISODE 9: Breaking the Pattern - Getting Kids to Respect Your "No" · Parent's Talk with Francine Juhlin

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Hi, everybody.
• 0:06
  Speaker 2: Lean Juline here otherwise known as Princess Francy, and I
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: am the founder of the Confidence.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: Club for Kids.
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: And today we are here with Martha Burridge, who wrote
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: a book called Yes You Can Raise Responsible, well, happy
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: and responsible children. So Martha, can you tell us how
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: did you get to write a book like this?
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: Oh, great question, Francine, and thank you so much for
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: having me. Well, you know when my son when my
• 0:40
  Speaker 3: son was four, and yes, you know, because you know
• 0:43
  Speaker 3: how four year old. When my son was four, Oh lord,
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: was he spoiled? Oh my goodness. You know, my husband
• 0:49
  Speaker 3: and I, his dad and I we thought that the
• 0:51
  Speaker 3: way you show a child love is you say yes
• 0:53
  Speaker 3: all the time. So he never heard no. Well that
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: came back and to bite us. So I had to
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: learn how to say no, and he had to learn
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: how to accept no. And I'm telling your friends saying
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: that was a challenge because people children who don't hear
• 1:13
  Speaker 3: know their little brains get fried when finally someone says
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: no and means it. Because I would say no and
• 1:19
  Speaker 3: he would believe. He didn't believe me. Why would he
• 1:22
  Speaker 3: because I always change it. I always change it to yes.
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: So when I finally put my foot down that poor child.
• 1:29
  Speaker 3: So it was it was tough. So you know, your
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: children have tantrums and they go on and on and on,
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: and they pester you until you say yes. Yes, I
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  Speaker 3: taught him, you know, we taught him to pester us
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  Speaker 3: because we would change the no to a yes. So
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  Speaker 3: that's my that's my very first tip parents, when you,
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  Speaker 3: you know, think long and hard. When you say no,
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  Speaker 3: you better mean it because otherwise you're gonna suffer because
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: we did. But you know what, this is what I
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  Speaker 3: put in my book, Yes you Can Raise happy, responsible children.
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  Speaker 3: Everything that I learned that totally turned my son around.
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: In six weeks. He became a wonderful, pleasant child. You know,
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  Speaker 3: he's grown now, he has his own business. He just
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: he became a lovely person, just a nice, a nice
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  Speaker 3: young man, and all because I use the techniques that
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: I put in the book.
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  Speaker 2: Exek, can you give us just one little teaser?
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  Speaker 3: Definitely. And in fact, a friend of mine told me
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  Speaker 3: that she gave this tip. She said, listen, this is
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: a tip from Martha's book, Yes you Can Raise Responsible Children.
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: This one was a kindergarten teacher and she said, oh
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: my goodness, this check. Class is out of control. I
• 2:38
  Speaker 3: don't know what I'm going to do. She goes, why
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: don't you try this tip that I that I got
• 2:42
  Speaker 3: from Martha's book. What you do is, rather than tell
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: the children what you don't want, stop running, tell them
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: what you do want. Walk. So she gave just that tip,
• 2:53
  Speaker 3: just that tip. A week later, the kindergarten teacher came
• 2:56
  Speaker 3: back and said, I have an entire different classroom.
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  Speaker 2: That's me saying, oh my god, just swan simple and
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  Speaker 2: one what I like to call that mindset shifts.
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: That's right, that's right. And you know, let me give
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: you an example. At the grocery store. You go to
• 3:13
  Speaker 3: the grocery store. First off, before you go anywhere, prepare
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  Speaker 3: the child. Look we're going here. Here's what I expect
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  Speaker 3: of you. I need to see you at the grocery store.
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  Speaker 3: You need to see me. If you turn around and
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  Speaker 3: you don't see me, we got a problem. That means
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: you're gonna sit in the cart. You know, don't tell
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: them scary stories. A bad man's gonna give you. No,
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  Speaker 3: we can't handle that. Just say you know what, It
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  Speaker 3: makes me feel better that I know where you're at.
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  Speaker 3: The grocery store is a big place. I don't want
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  Speaker 3: to come looking for you. So then when the child
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  Speaker 3: runs off, and guess what, the grocery store is exciting.
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  Speaker 3: I love the grocery store. If you imagine being a
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  Speaker 3: little kid three years four years old, Oh my goodness,
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  Speaker 3: everything's cool and you're at a level where everything, all
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  Speaker 3: the good stuff's right at your eye level. So of
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  Speaker 3: course the child's gonna run off. What you do is
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  Speaker 3: you get the child, don't be mad, and you say,
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  Speaker 3: I see you decided to sit in the cart. Where
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: are the bananas? I need help? And now give them
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  Speaker 3: a job. Keep them occupied, put stuff in their hands,
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  Speaker 3: pick this up, put that down? But where's this? Where's that? Oh?
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  Speaker 3: What's going on over there? Keep them occupied?
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  Speaker 2: I love that engage with the children. We went grocery
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  Speaker 2: shopping last week and we saw a severely overweight i'll
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  Speaker 2: just call it oh beest maybe preschooler, not quite tyler, preschooler.
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  Speaker 2: And he had a laptop and airphones, oh dear, And
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  Speaker 2: just that broke my heart because I know I had
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  Speaker 2: weight issues, and he's going to have all kinds of trouble.
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  Speaker 1: And all his parents had to do was and engage, have.
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  Speaker 3: Him walk next to you, hold hand, Go get this,
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  Speaker 3: get that, reach out for this, Show me this, Show
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  Speaker 3: me that exactly. And that's a whole nother show. Francine. Right,
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  Speaker 3: computers and electronic devices exactly.
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  Speaker 2: We didn't have that growing up, right, And that's going
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  Speaker 2: to lead to my next question is how or what
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  Speaker 2: changes have parents face today that you know they didn't
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  Speaker 2: have to worry about when we were growing up.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's a whole new ball game. It's a whole
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  Speaker 3: new ball game. You know. Nowadays you give a four
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  Speaker 3: month old device from the time they can hold something,
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  Speaker 3: even before that, they've got a device in front of them.
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  Speaker 3: They're constantly being entertained. They aren't engaging their brains, and
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  Speaker 3: they had not learned boredom. So I really recommend you
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  Speaker 3: stop that right now. Do not keep giving your children entertainment.
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  Speaker 3: If you're driving in the car, do not turn the
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  Speaker 3: movies on, et cetera. Engage the child. What's going on outside?
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  Speaker 3: Show me where are the trees? Why is there a
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  Speaker 3: stop sign here? What's the dog barking about? What do
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  Speaker 3: you think he's barking about? What could be going on there?
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  Speaker 3: Show me when you see a white car keep them engaged,
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  Speaker 3: because what's happening is they are not learning how to
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  Speaker 3: handle their boredom, how to handle their disappointment, how to
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  Speaker 3: handle anything, and they're becoming drug addicts and alcoholics and
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  Speaker 3: they don't know how to say no to themselves. They
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  Speaker 3: expect constant entertainment. Then the next thing, you know, they're
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  Speaker 3: getting the things that they shouldn't because they're dopamine receptors.
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  Speaker 3: You know, thousands and thousands of people are paid to
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  Speaker 3: get us addicted to social media's, to entertainment, to TikTok,
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  Speaker 3: Facebook movies, commercials, thousands of people paid billions of dollars.
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  Speaker 3: We can't fight against that. So we're going to have
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  Speaker 3: to be very strict with ourselves and our children and
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  Speaker 3: only allowing so much screen time and really to get
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  Speaker 3: into our schedule.
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  Speaker 2: Or making sure the screen time is something that's engaging
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  Speaker 2: their mind. Like in the Confidence Club for kids, we
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: have science videos and activities and recipes and healthy eating tips.
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  Speaker 2: So now all screen time is bad. Just make sure
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  Speaker 2: they're engaging their brains and their creativity. And here's something
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  Speaker 2: I like to talk about. I have a newsletter about
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: what's coming up next in the Confidence Club for kids.
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  Speaker 2: And in this newsletter I offer different activities for the
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: kids and you'll get your first one if you sign.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: Up for the newsletter.
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  Speaker 2: The first activity is se a few emails with a
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: download on helping your child create their own superhero. What
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: kind of superhero would they want to be? Get those
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: creative juices flowing? Do they want a ky? Do they
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  Speaker 2: want to fly?
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  Speaker 1: And guess what?
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  Speaker 2: Parents, this is an opportunity for you to engage with
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: your child and learn more about them.
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  Speaker 1: And if you.
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: If you sign up for the newsletter right now, and
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: I will have the link.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: In the chat. If you sign up for the.
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: Newsletter, Martha is going to have a free download in
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: the next edition. Martha, why don't you tell all the
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: parents about your free download?
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: Well, it is a quiz for parents. It tells you
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: what your dominant parenting style is. And not only will
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  Speaker 3: you find out your dominant parenting style, but how that
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  Speaker 3: style affects the behavior of your children. It's really it's really,
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  Speaker 3: very very worthwhile because our parents style really determines how
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  Speaker 3: our children behave in many many ways.
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  Speaker 1: I am intrigued. Can you give us a little example
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  Speaker 1: about what.
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  Speaker 2: You mean by parenting style and what is it the
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  Speaker 2: kid's behavior?
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  Speaker 3: Well, there are some parents, there's authoritative and authoritarian. An
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  Speaker 3: authoritative parent they are firm, but they give the child
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  Speaker 3: choices and let the child decide how to do things.
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  Speaker 3: Whereas authoritarian parent, they are pretty much my way or
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  Speaker 3: the highway. So that's two styles right there. Then there's
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  Speaker 3: the parent that well, you know, honey, whatever you want
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  Speaker 3: to do is fine with me. That's called the lazies
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  Speaker 3: fair parent. And then there's or the permissive parent. And
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  Speaker 3: then there's they call it a neglectful parent, but it's
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  Speaker 3: really a parent who's totally uninvolved in their children's lives.
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  Speaker 3: But you know, we all have a little bit of
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  Speaker 3: each of them. But which but one or the other
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  Speaker 3: is more dominant.
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  Speaker 2: Well, if you're listening to parents talk with us right now,
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  Speaker 2: you're probably not an uninvolved parent.
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  Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, that's really that's probably our problem. In a
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  Speaker 3: lot of times we're too involved.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I could see that.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, So you have a Facebook group for parents, don't you?
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  Speaker 2: Can you tell parents how to find you?
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  Speaker 3: Yes, I'm on Facebook, Martha Burridge, and my Facebook group
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  Speaker 3: is mastering Child Behavior and I've got all kinds of
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  Speaker 3: good resources and videos on there for parents. I have
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  Speaker 3: one video of I think it's the parents with their
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  Speaker 3: young children in a hotel lobby. Those children are just
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  Speaker 3: making mincemeat out of that place. And I give a
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  Speaker 3: few suggestions of how the parents could have changed that completely.
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  Speaker 3: And you know, I don't believe in harming my children,
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  Speaker 3: so I would never hit a child or say anything
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  Speaker 3: mean or negative to a child because that's way too damaging.
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  Speaker 3: But you know, when we have firm limits and when
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: we do what we say and say what we do,
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  Speaker 3: the child learns. That gives you know what, When my
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  Speaker 3: mom or dad says no, they mean it, and I
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  Speaker 3: need to be heaved.
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  Speaker 2: Just like you said at the beginning, no means no,
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  Speaker 2: and you have to learn how to.
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  Speaker 1: Mean it when you say it.
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  Speaker 2: I have seen so many Well, we don't have human children,
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  Speaker 2: but we have dogs, and I think it's so funny.
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  Speaker 2: My husband will say no and that oh that's okay,
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  Speaker 2: here have a cookie.
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  Speaker 3: Oops.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe it's a good thing we don't have kids, because
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  Speaker 2: they would be the most spoiled, ratten little brats you
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  Speaker 2: could have ever imagined.
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  Speaker 1: But I can imagine.
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  Speaker 2: I could imagine how hard it is for parents now
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  Speaker 2: when the kids see all their friends.
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  Speaker 3: That's a whole other game. Frands saying, a whole other game.
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, the kids go to school, Well, Sally gets too.
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: And I remember my parents used to say, yeah, but
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: Sally doesn't live in my house.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and I don't know Sally's parents, and maybe Sally
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  Speaker 3: gets to but why why.
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: Maybe Sally doesn't have the parents that are supportive. Maybe
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  Speaker 2: Sally's parents let her do it because they're those non involved.
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  Speaker 3: Parents, right or or we don't know what's going on
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  Speaker 3: in that family. Maybe something's going in that family that
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: we don't know about and they need support. So just
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  Speaker 3: because they're you know, Sally's not getting the attention that
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: you get right now and the involvement, there could be
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: something else going on. So yeah, that's that's always you know. Well,
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  Speaker 3: they get to do it. I don't get to do it. Oh,
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: they get to do it. Well, I don't know. Let's
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: go over there and meet them and find out.
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  Speaker 2: I realize some of the things that I didn't do
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  Speaker 2: as a kid. I can now thank my parents for
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: not letting me do it because I had gay night
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: at home instead, and all my friends who went out
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  Speaker 2: and did what I wanted to got in trouble right.
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  Speaker 3: Well, you know, Francinet I taught special education high school
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  Speaker 3: for sixteen years and one of my students came here
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  Speaker 3: and she goes, you know, miss Pirch, we have parties
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: after school a lot because most of the parents aren't home,
• 13:21
  Speaker 3: and so, really, honey, what goes on at these parties?
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  Speaker 3: And she looked at me and she goes, you don't
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  Speaker 3: want to know. This is a fourteen year old special
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  Speaker 3: education child.
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  Speaker 1: That's gary.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, so parents find out where your children are going,
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  Speaker 3: who their friends are, who their parents, who the parents
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  Speaker 3: of their friends are, because a lot of them live
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: in two homes. So that is true.
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  Speaker 2: Well, Marca, you've given us all a lot of stuff
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  Speaker 2: to think about and some really great resources to use
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  Speaker 2: to learn more about how you can support your children
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: more effectively. Do you have a last golden nugget to
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: share with parents?
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  Speaker 3: Yes, one day at a time. Don't worry about yesterday.
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: You know, if you did something that you shouldn't have yesterday,
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: apologized and make up for it, make restitution. Tomorrow's not
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: here yet. Just do what you can do today. It's
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: all going to work out.
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  Speaker 1: I love that.
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  Speaker 2: That's one attitude that changed my whole life because I
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: was a stressor. I stressed over and everything that could happen,
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: everything that might happen. And I got that from my mother,
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  Speaker 2: and I have learned that I cannot worry about something
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  Speaker 2: I have no control over and something that might not
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  Speaker 2: even happen.
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  Speaker 3: That's right.
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  Speaker 2: Well, thank you so much for coming on Parents Talk.
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  Speaker 2: And I think there was one time you told me
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: that's a whole other conversation. I'd love to have you
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: back again sometime and we will talk about that conversation later,
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: So parents stay tuned.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: Martha will be back hopefully.
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: Go ahead and put something in the comments if you
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: have a question for Martha that we can answer in
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: another episode.
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: For now, bye from Parents Talk.
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  Speaker 3: Thanks for seeing