Latest / The TalkBlock Show's Podcast / How One Person Can Save a Broken Marriage | Larry Bilotta

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How One Person Can Save a Broken Marriage | Larry Bilotta · The TalkBlock Show's Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: What was happening to me is I was I was in the 70s and uh I was married to Marcia and I didn't know anything.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: I knew nothing about marriage.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: I knew infidelity is I'm a cheater.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: So if the father is a cheater and he cheats, and the children don't know.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: So that's really what I was learning.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: I was saying like that.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: So living in a negative place is a very bad idea.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: When you're living in any negative ways and negative thoughts, uh you're not helping yourself.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so why do they say I love you, but I'm not in loving you?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because I want to I want to I want to hit you hard, but I want to give you a soft landing.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: You're hurting yourself.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so I I uh coined a term back then called against energy.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: So against energy is when you're mad at anything, you're fed up, you're sick and tired, and you can't take it anymore.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: You're you're what happens to the guys that are very sloppy about this is they become very begging, very pleading, uh very needy.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that makes the woman worse than ever.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And now she doesn't want to have anything to do with it.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: Hi guys, welcome to the welcome back to the TalkBlock show.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: My name is Vadeem, and today we are joined by the by relationship expert, marriage coach, Larry Bellotta.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: After surviving 27 years of a lawless marriage, Larry found breakthrough that transformed his relationship and saved the entire family.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: For over two decades, he has helped thousands reclaim their marriages and their sanity.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: Larry, welcome to the show.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, thank you.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: My pleasure.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: My pleasure.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: And let's start uh maybe in introduce yourself.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Uh where are you from, uh where what is your background, just briefly to our audience.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: I I grew up in the uh city of Chicago.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: And uh and so everybody knows that.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Uh everybody knows that that's the city of Chicago, and uh and so I was uh I was raised by two people who were not uh they they w when the when they got upset with each other, they just shut down.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that was their style of living.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: They shut down.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: So on the other side of the city, there was the girl I was gonna marry, and that was Marsha, and she has two parents who did not shut down.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: They fought.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and they fought, and they fought physically, and so she is a hitter, right?
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: She's an upset person who's who's who gets very angry, and so uh so when a shutting down person marries a fighting person, that's not a good combination.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what made the marriage hell.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: The marriage was hell because I was shutting down and she was fighting, and everything upset her.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Everything was upsetting.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: So uh that's the setting for us being in marriage.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And so in that in that marriage, uh I had to find some way to survive.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what was I gonna do to survive?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Was I gonna literally be as angry as her, as angry as she was?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: She was good at it.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: She was raised to be good at fighting.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I was not raised to be good at fighting.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: I was raised to shut down.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: I was raised to escape.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so I had to do what I did.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I escaped.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so we find that in marriage couples, they literally are the way they're raised, that's how they end up living.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so the whatever happens in those first 10 years is what governs what you're going to live like in your life.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because it it fills a subconscious mind.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: And the subconscious mind is like a great big beer vat.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a beer vat that's got all the the 55,000 hours of time of your life in that that subconscious mind.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then the conscious mind is like a little mason jar.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so the little mason jar is above the big beer vat.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so we live in that mason jar.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: We we think in that mason jar.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so we, because we are living in that, the thinking about that, we're really disconnected from our subconscious mind.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: We don't know what's down there.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: But what's down there is gonna come up into the mason jar when you least expect it.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna surprise you.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're not gonna know it.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: And when it comes up, you're literally gonna do what you did as a child, you're gonna do what your parents did, what your father did, what your mother did, you're gonna do that, and that's how you're gonna act it out.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: So the the psychologists tell us that 90% of our lives is lived from our subconscious mind.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so what that means is the vats is running your life.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: That big vat that you don't understand, that you don't know the contents of, is running your life.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: And and so the the whole purpose of what we're trying to do as as people uh in a society is we're trying to marry, uh, not understanding you know why we marry, but we we are literally coming in with our subconscious VAT.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and that that is we have to use our conscious minds to uh to make peace with our subconscious mind.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that means we have to have some kind of dialogue between our conscious mind and our subconscious mind if we're going to have some form of peace.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: So the uh what was happening to me is I was I was in the 70s and uh I was married to Marsha and I didn't know anything.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: I knew nothing about marriage, I knew nothing about uh how-tos or anything.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so, because I didn't know anything, I had to learn anything from scratch.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so what I started to do, I started started to teach myself uh what was happening in my life.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so I spent a lot of time with yellow pads of paper, and I was writing out what was happening, what I was learning, what I was seeing, what I was experiencing, and I was trying to decide what it meant.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: And so I spent so much time learning about what I what I was doing and what was happening, I started to realize that meaning is is literally everything, because we find something that happens in our life and we decide what it means.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: And once we decide what it means, that's what our lives becomes, our our our perception starts living according to that meaning.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so when I started looking at what I was doing uh as a as a shutting down person, I started realizing that the meaning was I was living a fearful life.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was living like a a scared kid.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so I started to realize that uh I had to find some way in this very troubled relationship to find a way to calm myself down, to slow down, uh to ease myself into a better way of thinking.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's what I was working on for all those years.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so uh I saved 27 years of a marriage made in hell uh because in the 27th year I started to realize I love myself.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And because I love myself, I felt good about myself.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: I actually like who I was, and I started to believe in who I was, and as I started to do that, I started to notice that this very angry woman started to become less angry.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: And because she became less angry, she became a little nicer, a little more civil, a more of a sense of humor.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And as that became my new life, I started realizing that I did that.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: I made that.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: So as I became less fearful, as I became less anxious, less worried, less frustrated, uh less blamey, less judgy, uh my my persons in my life started to change.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so I started realizing I was changing the meaning.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was changing what the life meant to me.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: So you said you started.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, go ahead.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: I said uh you said you started uh like loving yourself, like uh how exactly you started like buying new things for yourself or thinking about it.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is not a this is not a physical thing, okay?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you think of loving yourself, you think physically uh that you love yourself more, you look in the mirror more, you right.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: This it's not anything because it's nothing physical, including this, I think.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: This is but this is the mind.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about the mind.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and because it's the mind, I uh I was thinking about uh the the stuff that how do I feel about uh what I'm doing in life, how do I feel about how I'm succeeding in life, how do I feel about uh how how I uh speak in conversations, how do I feel in terms of feeling secure myself and and liking who I am?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so those are the things that really matter uh in terms of liking yourself and loving yourself.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: But when you feel better about yourself, it's because you've thought your way there.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's what thought, that's what the whole the whole world is is built on.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's all built on thought.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: And because it's all thought, uh, this is really not about bodies and and things in the world of of of behavior.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Uh what we're what we really got to think about is what am I gonna do to live in life where I can start to avoid everything that's negative and start living in a place that's much more positive.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: So that's really what I was learning.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was thinking like so living in a negative place is a very bad idea.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: When you're living in any negative ways and negative thoughts, uh you're not helping yourself, you're hurting yourself.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so I I uh coined a term back then called against energy.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: So against energy is when you're mad at anything, you're fed up, you're sick and tired, you can't take it anymore, you're you're just you're just mad at the world kind of thing.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so you have an outward against energy about the outward things that you act out this outward against energy.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: But then you also have an inward against energy, like an emotional inward uh sense of yourself, like how do you feel about things?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's against energy also.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so this against energy uh can become so strong in your life that it starts to take you over.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: And the way you know that is because you're always talking and expressing what you don't want.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like this, I'm mad at that, I'm frustrated by this, this, and I'm sick of it.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why do everybody got to drive that car?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: I hate that car, right?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: All kinds of don't want thoughts like that.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so when people are thinking don't want thoughts, they can't make the switch to do want thoughts.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: They can't think of what they do want, so they're always in the don't want.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so if somebody gets into a conversation about the relationships, people and so on, and so uh uh if uh an interviewer asks, so what do you think you want?
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: And they because they're in a don't want frame of mind, they're thinking about what they don't want all the time and what do they what comes out of their mouth?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I know I don't want, and they'll name something.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I don't want uh to live in a in a in a a brick bungalow.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to live in a uh creepy neighborhood, right?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: I know what I don't want, and they'll say what they don't want.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're thinking that way.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so to switch from don't want thinking to do want thinking is a big job.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: They they can't do it on a dime, not at all.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's one of the ways you you realize that, and I was I was doing that.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was uh living in a don't want universe uh of thinking what I didn't want.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And and uh it was creepy because uh people had to call me out on it.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: They had to tell me it was kind of embarrassing.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why are you always talking about what you don't want?
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I do I didn't know I did that.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: So so they they are they're uh had to tell me uh like why you're always looking at the negative side of life.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so eventually I started to become as remember, this is 27 years.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Over 27 years of time, I'm doing a lot of changing, a lot of learning, a lot of discovery, and I ended up becoming a much more positive person, where I started to lean to in a positive way to positive thoughts over and over again in all kinds of subjects and all kinds of topics, uh, because I was really teaching myself how to live in a positive way of life.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: And what what I was so focused on is dwelling in that that way of thinking, uh, I started to look up and started realizing that my wife that was so mean in the beginning, that was so resistant, that was so against everything, uh, she started to become uh a lot easier, a lot more fun, a lot nicer.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and it became a big unexpected discovery for me.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, while I was working on myself, she changed.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: How'd that happen?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't tell her to change.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so that's that that's a uh a true uh observation in in uh marriage uh uh completely in in all kinds of married situations.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Uh when one person becomes the person who changes their mind and starts living in a in a more positive way, uh what happens is when that person becomes happier and they become not physically happy, they become j internally happy, they feel calm and secure and safe and important and valuable and likable and upbeat.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: When they start feeling that way day after day, uh the big thing that happens to the other person who wants to leave the marriage, the person who wants to c give up and quit is the person has to conclude a new question, a question they've never asked.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: And the question is, Well, he's happy, how come I'm not happy?
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: He's happy, how come I'm not happy?
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a big a big change.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the idea that it takes one to heal a marriage.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: And um Larry, how does uh childhood trauma shape adult relationships today?
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because a lot of a lot of stuff we carry with us from childhood, right?
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, because that big vat, that big subconscious vat, that holds everything uh that happened to us.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you're abandoned, if you're abused, if you're neglected, those are the the big three things that happen to you.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Uh when you have that, you literally live a life like that.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: You live on what you were given.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so I've been using a scale for 15 years and interviewing people on that scale.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: Scale is 10 to 0.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you raise a 10, you're raised to to be a person who believes uh that mom and dad loved each other, and mom and dad taught me, and mom and dad gave me a lot of really good things, really good values.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you're there, you're a 10, right?
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: So if you do that, sometimes you don't marry a 10.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you marry somebody who's from the bottom of the scale, a zero or a one or a two, right?
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Those people are abandoned, those people are abused, those people are neglected.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, when you have that abandoned, abuse, and neglect, uh, your values are not what your 10 has.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: A 10 has great values.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: They have uh consistency, loyalty, responsibility, uh, you know, dependable, right?
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: All those things are that are natural to them.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: But if a person raised at a at a at a two, a one or a zero, uh, they have lying and and and complication and and and uh uh criticism and blame and fault finding and right, all those things are part of their lives, right?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so they have this very negative value system, you have this very positive value system, and now now the the question becomes, how do you live that way?
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you don't.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: The marriage starts falling apart because the values are falling apart, right?
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: The values are too opposite.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I wrote a book uh called uh This is for a book for men, uh called This Is Not the Woman I Married.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so why is it that because that's what the guys have said.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: They've said to me over and over again, This is not the woman I married.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so that led to what did that lead to?
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: It led to discovering the midlife crisis.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so the midlife crisis, that term that everybody uses, uh, that midlife crisis is a is uh uh what happens to you when you're uh 30, 40, 50 years old, that's the midlife crisis.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: And and when you have a midlife crisis, it became one reason your childhood went was filled with really terrible things.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: So that big beer vat at the bottom of your life uh is filled with messages that just don't help marriage.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: They hurt marriage in every way.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: So by the time people discover they're in a midlife crisis, now we've got a house, we've got a dog, we've got children, we've got a summer home, we've got cars, we've got boats, we've we've got all these things, right?
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so now we've got this big complicated life you've built, and now here comes the midlife crisis to take it all away.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: And that's actually what I'm talking about when I when I talk to people who are discovering that it takes one to heal a marriage.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: It literally takes So what are the what are the main red flags of a midlife crisis?
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um Well, there's uh 21 signs I wrote in the book, uh 21 signs that uh your your wife is leaving you.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so what kind of signs are we talking about?
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about the signs like she looks at you less often, she texts you less often, uh, she doesn't like your stories, she doesn't want to go to the places you used to do uh to together often.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: And as as people start to separate, uh they start to become more obvious, like uh, no, I'd rather not be with you.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'd never not rather not ride in the same car.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: All those little signs are are saying we're separating.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes people don't talk.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: They don't talk about, you know, this is not happy, uh, this is not I'm not happy.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: They don't come out and say that.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: They just give you these little signs, these physical symbols that we're not together anymore.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's that's the signs that it's falling apart.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh because that that person is is in a midlife crisis, but they don't know they're in a midlife crisis, there's nothing to announce it, there's nothing to identify it.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: So they actually have to discover it by hearing somebody talk about it and start to realize, yes, is this is this a midlife crisis, right?
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: And and so between uh between 35 and and 45 typically is the peak of where the midlife crisis happens.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: And who gets the midlife crisis?
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: Do tens become midlife crisis people?
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: No, they don't.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: Tens do not get the midlife crisis.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Ones and twos and threes get midlife crisis, and zeros, they get the midlife crisis.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's abandonment, there's abuse, there's neglect.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: And so now they're older, and now they're in the adult body, and now it's time for this midlife crisis to come up, and all that ugliness of that against energy comes pouring out.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and what it does is it changes people's personality.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's a change that I I get to hear the person, the surviving spouse is the people I that's who I talk to.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking to the people going through the midlife crisis, I'm talking to the people who live with those people.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: And they live with those people and they're saying, This is how he used to be.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: He used to be so kind, so understanding, so wonderful, and give this glowing praise story of a the man before he went into this midlife crisis.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: After he goes into midlife crisis, everything goes to hell.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: It it all becomes a terrible nightmare, which strips away the whole life that they they had together.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's the world I've been living in.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: I've I've been a coach to the midlife crisis people.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: And and so when I when I talk about it takes one to heal a marriage, that's literally what I work with.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: I work with one cup one person in the couple, because one person's a lever and one person's a stayer, and I work with a stayer.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so that stayer can do a lot of things that the average person wouldn't think they could do.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: They could do things to change their mind, they could change the way they think, the way they imagine, the way they believe.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: So they can change all that, and because they change it, all kinds of things change.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: Their perception changes.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: And all those things uh become really important, especially in the world of the midlife crisis.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, okay.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_01: And also a question, uh uh can infidelity be inherited from our parents or this is something different.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: What is infidelity?
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: Infidelity is I'm a cheater.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: So if the father is a cheater and he cheats, and the children don't know, that means that the father is doing something that's getting to the son, and it's it's literally the DNA of the father has is in the f in the son.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's for biolog biology, right?
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: So he's a he's got what I what's jokingly called the cheating gene.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: What the cheating gene is, is uh the the father doesn't trust himself and he's not relying uh relying on his wife to be a dedicated partner for life, and because he's doing that, he has a dissatisfaction.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that dissatisfaction is driving him into the arms of some other woman.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's the infidelity, the cheating gene.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so uh when when a when a person who is by the way, when they're at the bottom of the scale, at the bottom of the scale, everything negative becomes possible.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: Every possible negative thing you can think of in extort betrayal and cheating and lying and stealing and destructive things of all kinds, they're all from people at the Bottom of the scale because at the bottom of the scale, your values are all screwed up.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have good values.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the reason why you need a society with fathers, fathers who have morals and values and people who can teach their sons how to live.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: I love uh especially uh men in the black community uh who are good fathers, and they're having very strong, very verbal fathers.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so when I talk to their sons, their sons are very like strong, like, oh, my dad was he would never let us get away with that, right?
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so those guys turn out to be really good fathers themselves, right?
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because it becomes very graphic, very obvious that a good father made that, right?
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: But then when you hear about the father who disappears and the mother raises children, now you got a whole opportunity to become a chaos kid.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: And and now like who ends up in prison?
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: Chaos kids end up in prison all the time.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because what what is prison except a place where society locks people away so they don't circulate with us?
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_01: So that's what caused that chaos kid phenomenon, right?
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: The chaos kid fatherless family is is when the father goes away, the morals go away, the standards go away, the values go away.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: It yeah, it's all going away because the father's gone.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so now it becomes the job of the mother to become very, very strong.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so uh if we if we think about uh high visibility people, uh you think about Lance Armstrong, the bicycle guy, um what did he have?
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: He had a very strong mother, right?
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's actually what made him a very strong mother made him because it didn't have a he had a father who made him very angry, and he had a mother who calmed about and made him focused.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so that was the Lance Arm, what made a Lance Armstrong story.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so you start realizing that uh what you get in that big vat, that big uh, and by the way, in that vat, there's no words.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: There's no words in that vat.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: What's in there is urges and needs and longings that you have, and they're in there and they're they're they're literally being kind of being given out in your energy, the urges and the needs and longings of your subconscious mind.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so uh when you when you have this, when you're living this life where you think you're a conscious mind, and you're in that little jar, uh, and you're living out of that jar, uh, you don't actually know what's in your subconscious, and you don't know what it can do.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: Uh but there's been a lot of books written about the subconscious mind.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, if if if anybody really wanted to learn about the subconscious, they should read some of those really good books about the subconscious.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, because since we're leaving 90% of our lives out of the subconscious mind, why don't we learn about it?
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't we?
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: So that becomes a b a big issue.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: Learning about the subconscious mind and making peace with it.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um but what I what I what I talk about is that the the conscious mind can teach the subconscious mind, and the reason we know that is because when we're 16 we didn't learn to drive.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: And because we didn't learn to drive, we didn't have any information about it until we got to be 16.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: Then the law allows us to do that.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: So now we learn to drive the car.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what's happening when we're learning to drive the car?
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: We're teaching the subconscious mind how to drive the car.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so once the subconscious mind learns how to drive the car, uh, when we get to be 18, 19, 20, 30 years, uh 24 years old, we get in the car and we get on a conversation with a friend and we drive, you know, 80 miles and we don't know how we got there.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: Why does it why don't we know?
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because the subconscious mind drove the car.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's how we know that we can teach the subconscious mind a lot of things.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: But we didn't the conscious mind didn't actually make the determination that I can teach the subconscious mind how to drive the car.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: But the driving the car is not the only thing it can do because of lots and lots of other things.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so the subconscious mind is a is a great tool if people would learn uh how to use the subconscious mind and and work for their benefit rather than being ignorant of it.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_01: Uh Larry, what is the invisible lifestyle concept?
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: What's so the the reason it's called invisible lifestyle is because it the word lifestyle is defined as a way of life or a style of living that reflects the values of a person or group.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the official title, the official definition, a way of life or style of living.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: So what is the values we're talking about?
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's the values of mom and dad.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: Mom and dad are the people that that's the person or group is mom and dad.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: And because mom and dad have the values, that they're the people who give them to us.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you think about it, we're awake 16 hours a day for 10 years.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a and that's 55,000 hours of time.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: 55,000 hours of minute after minute after minute of experiences.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so what kind of experiences did you have?
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I was abused by my father, I was neglected by my mother, I was abandoned by my father, I was, you know, so all that, if that's my experiences, that's what's in my subconscious.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it doesn't disappear, it doesn't go away, it's in the vat.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to be with you for a lifetime if you unless you do something about it.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so all those things become things that you can learn about about how do I change uh what happened to me.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: And that's really what what what all this is about.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's about childhood making a life.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, thank you.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um also, Larry, what does uh uh that phrase, I love you, but I'm not in love?
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_01: What does it really mean?
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_01: So um this this is uh probably comes uh it probably comes in many years, like any relationship, right?
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's not from the beginning.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's right, because um why does everybody know it?
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: Why does even why didn't he even know to say it?
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so what's happening is uh a woman, like the example, a woman's falling out of love with a man, she doesn't want to be with him anymore, she doesn't want to trust him anymore, she doesn't like him anymore.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and so she says, um, I love you, but and what does butt say?
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: But wipes out everything right that was said before.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: I love you, now I wipe all that away, but I'm not in love with you.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not romantically connected to you.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so why do they say I love you, but I'm not in love with you?
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because I want to I want to I want to hit you hard, but I want to give you a soft landing.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's why they say that.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: I want you, I want you to have a soft landing.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's not a soft landing, it's a really hard landing because I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: So that romantic thing that you wanted, you can't have that anymore because I don't have that with you.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, and so now what they the man does is the man asks, where did I lose it?
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: How did I lose?
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: And now he starts to become very self-reflected and very determined.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, and what happens to the guys that are very sloppy about this is they become very beggy, very pleading, uh, very needy.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that makes the woman worse than ever.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_00: And now she doesn't want to have anything to do with him, right?
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so uh so when we when when I've been I've been talking to people for over 2,000 people I've interviewed uh in the last uh 15 years, and uh and those 2,000 people have told me the story of childhood.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so everything comes back to childhood, every single thing.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: If you have a really happy life, it's all based in childhood.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: If you have a real troubled life, it's all based in childhood.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's why I talk about the invisible lifestyle, I talk about the chaos kid, because everything comes back to childhood, and every solution that you can ever find anywhere is coming back to the peace I make in childhood.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's why childhood is such a big deal.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh but when you said I love you, but I'm not in love with you, that that famous line uh which mostly is is said by women because uh women secretly wrote run the world, they run it through men, right?
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because they get men to do things.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's what they do, they get men to do things.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and and so uh because if we're talking about millions and millions of personalities, uh generally women influence men to to get things to do to happen.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: Uh you know, in the old West, uh women uh that were back east, they wrote letters to the men out west.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: And we know because we have the letters, right?
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: We have the historical letters right, and so what they the the men who who won the West were what was behind them, but what was behind the man was a woman who literally said, if you'll do this, uh you can have me.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you won't do this, you can't have me, right?
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's how they were, right?
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, so the the the women caused the men to build hospitals and schools and orphanages and right.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: The women got the men to do that because men themselves will not do anything like that.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so we're gonna be able to do that.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you think about San San Francisco and Denver, Colorado, and all these big places.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: Uh what what what did they they the women that were literally guiding the men to do what they did?
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: Uh because it was very crude.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: Uh because when they came out there, what they found is sticks and dirt, you know, and they had to make a life of it, right?
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: So so the women out east were were guiding the men to do what they did.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so men have a drive to please a woman.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: They have a drive to have a woman be interested in them.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so they're hungry for a woman's attention.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why women really run the world.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: You've heard the phrase when mama's not happy, nobody's happy, right?
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: That that phrase is true because uh mama runs everything, mama makes everything happen.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it's it's kind of natural.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_01: I I also heard the saying like that our world is ran by money and testosterone.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_01: So which is also goes to women, right?
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_00: Well, but because women want money, right?
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: So women want money, men have money, men have testosterone, right?
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: So that's a philosophical discussion for another day.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_01: Agreed.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um Larry, what is the environment changer approach in relationship?
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: So the reason I call this program I teach the environment changer.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and uh, everybody tells me that that's a really weird name, environment changer.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, because when we think about environment, we're thinking about a physical environment.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like when we're talking about like the environmental movie, climate change, right?
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_00: Uh we think about all these things about like uh a physical environment is what we think about.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm talking about the environment of your mind.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so the environment changer is the environment changer who changes the environment of his mind.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's really what's what's gotta happen.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's got to happen somehow.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_00: Somehow you've got to become a man who changes the environment of your mind.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um so uh when I when I wrote this book, uh this this is a book I was talking about, this is not the woman I married.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, this book is for men, right?
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so you see this big man here, and look at the woman.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's the woman right there.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: Why is the woman there?
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because this guy is the star of the show.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_00: Why is he the star of the show?
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because he's gotta make the change, he's gotta do the changing.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so this book was a guidebook for how do you actually change yourself to become somebody who can actually win the woman back?
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and so that's really what what the guys are are uh working through and struggling through.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_01: And what should you do when uh when a spouse suddenly demands divorce?
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like is there any instructions?
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_00: I've heard uh in all the all the stories I've heard, uh there's women who uh demand uh I'm getting a divorce.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: They they launch it into an attack, uh they launch it as the defense, I'm not getting a divorce, and and you better I'll call you call your lawyer and so on.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um so when a man first hears the really bad news, uh the first thing he does is what did I do wrong?
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_00: What did I do wrong?
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: Well well, why did he not know he did anything wrong?
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason he didn't do anything wrong, he thinks he didn't do anything wrong is because he was a provider.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's what he he got the idea that if you go make money, you will get the woman, you will have a happy life.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's not true.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because women want emotional security and they want financial security.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: And because they want both, you can't give them one thing.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_00: They want both.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_00: They want emotional security and financial security.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_00: So the guys who get become the providers, they don't ever learn that.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_00: They never hear that.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_00: I have to become the emotional security, I have to become the financial security too.
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how can I do both?
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm getting good at my job.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_00: You should be happy with me, right?
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's what happens to the guys who hear the I I don't love you anymore.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_00: Uh they hear that because they needed to give both financial security and emotional security.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_00: And and so they the the place you learn that is you learn that by hearing your father or seeing your father.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_00: And to do that, you have to have a father who doesn't leave.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that's how you have to realize that my father didn't leave, he didn't leave my mother, and I learned things from my dad.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so if I had that really good upbringing, now I have a to I have the chance to realize, oh, my dad taught me that I need to take care of the emotional side of my mother, and I need to take care of the physical side of my mother, and I need to provide.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: So here's how you balance the physical providing with the emotional providing.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_00: And once you realize you have both of those, now you're in about much better shape and you don't make big mistakes.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so I I have a thing uh where I call uh the guys that are good with their hands, uh guys who deal with tools, uh mechanics, and those people, uh, they are good with things, very good with things.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_00: And because they're really good with things, they're not good with people.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_00: And because they're they're good with things, they become the people who are really good providers.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_00: And they become guys who just live in a providing world and they think that that's enough.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_00: But it's not enough because women want two things, they don't want one thing.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_01: Understood.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_01: Uh how can uh just one person uh single-handedly heal a broken marriage?
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_01: Can it be just just one person and a couple who somehow save so you so marriage?
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_00: So couples do not learn together.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I've proven this over years as I taught my course.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_00: Uh they just don't learn together.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_00: They don't learn at the same rate, they don't learn the same ideas, they don't share the same ideas, they don't see the same ideas the same way.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so couples don't learn together.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_00: And so what I realized, one person can save the marriage.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_00: How does one person save the marriage?
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_00: One person saves the marriage by becoming very, very emotionally, internally happy.
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_00: When you become emotionally, eternally happy, you no longer have against energy, you no longer have fear, you no longer have doubt, you know, have worries.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_00: If you sweep all that negativity aside, now you are a person who can live as a really, truly happy person.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_00: And now the person that married you has never seen a truly happy person.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_00: They've never seen one.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_00: They don't know what it's like to have a truly happy person.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_00: They have a person who's like sometimes negative and sometimes positive, right?
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's what they know, but they've never seen a truly happy person.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_00: But when they see a true when that spouse sees a truly happy person, uh they are are kind of jealous because they want what you have.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why it takes one to heal a marriage.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_00: One person has to become the happiest person in the marriage.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because then what happens is that other spouse who typically is running away, uh they don't run away.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_00: What they what they end up doing is following the spouse that's happy.
• 39:06
  SPEAKER_00: They follow the spouse that's happy.
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's how it happens.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's why it takes one.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it takes one to to truly become happy.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so the the the reward of becoming this environment changer, this person who's the truly happiest person in the house, is that that person who's really happy makes everybody happy.
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody becomes happy around that person.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_00: And because that person is happy with with everything about themselves, uh and and all in the small things of life, they're literally building up uh a great positive ways to respond, positive ways to think, positive ways to act, positive mood changes, right?
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is moving but because the negativity is gone, the environment of negativity is gone.
• 39:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because that environment is gone, that person is the one person who changes not only the the husband, it changes the whole family and beyond, right, to extended family.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_00: But those are all really important ideas for uh thinking of about yourself as a positive person.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_01: And when when the crisis already happened, what mistakes should people avoid during crisis to not do?
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_01: So uh station.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_00: So when we talk about mistakes, um the mistakes, you know, I list them all in my in my uh my different programs, uh, but the mistakes are mistakes of urgency or neediness.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're urgent and when you're needy, you need something of that person.
• 40:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so now you take that need and you reach out to them and say, give me what I want.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's actually what kills everything.
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_00: Your neediness and your hunger for being loved is killing everything.
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's where all the mistakes, they all grow out of that.
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_00: And who cares what they are?
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_00: You you blow up balloons, uh, you drive uh, you know, you know, uh a truck, uh, you fly in an airplane, whatever you do, uh almost somehow it all comes down to this collapse of this neediness and this urgency.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_00: Uh neediness and urgency will end every relationship, every time.
• 41:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 41:26
  SPEAKER_01: So need to be more patients and less to be less annoying.
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's take all the negatives out of your life.
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_00: You've got to move them all out to the left.
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_00: And and so what you want is you want to move to the right where you're like leaving your wrong mind, which is all the the negatives, and living in your right mind.
• 41:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where you're going.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're going to your life, you're because you're moving from fear and you're moving to love.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's what that's what you do.
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_00: And and people say to me, Well, I don't know how to do that.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's because you haven't studied it.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_00: You haven't studied it and you haven't thought about it.
• 41:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so what you have to do is think the thought.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_00: I want to move from fear to love.
• 42:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you think like, I don't know how to do that, well, if you stay with I don't know, you're gonna stuck be stuck in I don't know.
• 42:15
  SPEAKER_00: And you're gonna say I don't know over and over again.
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, right?
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so what what do you want to do?
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_00: You want to tell yourself that because you have a a subconscious mind or a conscious mind, uh, that you can ask for things.
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can ask for how can I learn this?
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_00: How can I ask that question?
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_00: How can I learn how to become a happy person?
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_00: All kinds of things will start coming to you when you start asking that question.
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_00: All kinds of supportive, good, positive things will come into your life when you start asking a better question.
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_00: And all the experts teach this, all of them do.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_00: In all the books.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter which book you pick up, they're gonna teach you somehow like become a positive person.
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_01: What a uh when a single advice helps someone who suffered betrayal.
• 43:09
  SPEAKER_01: Is there any unique advice or maybe a list of them?
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_00: So so when when when you have somebody betray you, uh what did they do?
• 43:18
  SPEAKER_00: They lied to you.
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's what they did.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_00: So somebody lied to you.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_00: So why would somebody want to lie to me?
• 43:25
  SPEAKER_00: Uh why would this person I love want to lie to me?
• 43:28
  SPEAKER_00: Well, one reason they want to lie to you is because you're very hard to deal with when you've when you told the truth.
• 43:35
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody tells you the truth about something, you get angry, you get resistant, you get pushy, you get mean, right?
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_00: But you don't recognize that because you don't see yourself.
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're not aware enough to see yourself.
• 43:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so betrayal is a like a very dramatic, flowy, glowy kind of word, betrayal.
• 43:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like that almost sounds like a good thing, you know.
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_00: But but it's not a big thing.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's lying.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: They're lying to you, right?
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_02: Mm-hmm.
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_00: So when you were betrayed, you've been lied to.
• 44:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so once you've been realize you've been lied to, uh you have to really stop and ask yourself, uh, why was I lied to?
• 44:11
  SPEAKER_00: What what made me bring that into my life?
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because this this woman I love, this man I love, lied to me and they didn't do it for nothing.
• 44:22
  SPEAKER_00: They did it for a reason.
• 44:24
  SPEAKER_00: But you've got to find out what that reason is.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can't be told it, you have to learn it yourself.
• 44:30
  SPEAKER_00: But that's where we really start with betrayal.
• 44:33
  SPEAKER_00: Uh you you start to you, I've got to learn it as a as an opportunity to discover who am I and why would somebody want to lie to me.
• 44:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because we're not not ready to to hear.
• 44:45
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of us are not ready to hear.
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_00: But we've got to eventually finally hear somehow.
• 44:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right, right.
• 44:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 44:55
  SPEAKER_01: And um uh the last question for today I want to ask you, Larry.
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_01: Same question as I uh what I asked you before we started recording this episode.
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_01: The uh uh many like men and women also think about it.
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_01: Is it even worse getting married in 2026 in modern time?
• 45:14
  SPEAKER_01: Can you can you and unpack it for us, please?
• 45:16
  SPEAKER_00: So let's uh let's think about uh history.
• 45:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um Do you think it's good to be married in 1976?
• 45:24
  SPEAKER_00: Is that a good time to be married?
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it's a good time.
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the world's a very hard place, right?
• 45:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's a very dark place, it's a very ugly place.
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_00: What's in 1976?
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if that's a good time to be married.
• 45:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's change years.
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um 1986.
• 45:40
  SPEAKER_00: Many people say it was a good time.
• 45:42
  SPEAKER_00: Well well, but the 1985, is that a good year to get married?
• 45:46
  SPEAKER_00: Uh 19 uh 1992, is that a good time to be married?
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, the way to think about is that a good time to be married, uh is is is the way I see the world the time to get married?
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_00: The way I see the world, is that the time to get married?
• 46:05
  SPEAKER_00: So if I see the world as a dark, scary, negative place where all I find is a is a defense against dangerous things, and I see the dangerous things in the world, I think dangerous things between countries, I think dangerous things between cities, I see dangerous everywhere.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_00: If is and now I ask the question, is this a good time to get married?
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_00: Well the answer is no.
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's never a good time to get married when all you can see is the dark side of life.
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_00: When all you can see is the dark side of life, it's wrong to get married, right?
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so now what can happen is if you're seeing everything is the negative world, uh, you could fall in love.
• 46:46
  SPEAKER_00: Surprise, surprise, you could fall in love uh completely unexpected, right?
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_00: And when you fall in love, you could fall in love and be a negative person.
• 46:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like, wow, so I fall in love, and when I fall in love, this woman makes me feel like spectacular, like I can do anything, right?
• 47:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so now you feel like my negativity is going away.
• 47:10
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because this woman is making it go away for me.
• 47:14
  SPEAKER_00: Well, have you learned anything?
• 47:16
  SPEAKER_00: No, I haven't learned anything.
• 47:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a good time to get married because she is making me see the world differently.
• 47:22
  SPEAKER_00: And as long as I have her, I'll see the world differently.
• 47:26
  SPEAKER_00: But if I don't have her, I'm gonna go back to my negative way of life.
• 47:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's a it doesn't matter what year it's is, it is.
• 47:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, there's a there's you know, if we go back to Roman times, it was a time, there was not a good time to get married because the world's always been a negative, terrible place, right?
• 47:46
  SPEAKER_00: So it's always been a wrong time to get married.
• 47:49
  SPEAKER_00: But when you start to see everything in a very positive way of life, then it's a very good time to get married.
• 47:55
  SPEAKER_00: And why is that?
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because you change yourself.
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_00: You've changed the environment of your mind, you've changed what you think, you change what you believe, you change what you imagine, you've changed these positive things that just made everything positive, and now you see the the world as it in a different, a different lens.
• 48:12
  SPEAKER_00: They they call it rose-colored glasses.
• 48:14
  SPEAKER_00: They are a negative term for it.
• 48:16
  SPEAKER_00: You're looking at the world through no nose uh rose-colored glasses, right?
• 48:20
  SPEAKER_00: And they they're critical, critical of you, right?
• 48:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you're looking at the world through rose-colored glasses, but the that that's how you have to see you have to see the world that way.
• 48:30
  SPEAKER_00: You have to see the world through the the best and not the worst.
• 48:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I learned that the hard way.
• 48:37
  SPEAKER_04: Oh.
• 48:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's how we learn.
• 48:40
  SPEAKER_01: But I I also think the the value of the marriage, like nowadays, it's less than what it was in the past.
• 48:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like they're just the percentage of uh of divorces in the U.S.
• 48:52
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you think about the uh the society that we're living in, um, as everybody perceives uh the loss of loyalty, the loss of commitment, the loss of dependability, the loss of responsibility, as they take all that away, uh some some generations, because every 20 years it's a new generation.
• 49:13
  SPEAKER_00: Every 20 years, right?
• 49:14
  SPEAKER_00: So every 20 years there's a new generation X of generation and Y, right?
• 49:18
  SPEAKER_00: We get in each of those.
• 49:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so uh like the the Gen Xers would would start to see in mass, because people follow this, uh their their thoughts their attitudes about marriage have changed.
• 49:32
  SPEAKER_00: Their attitudes about commitment have changed, their attitudes about loyalty have changed.
• 49:36
  SPEAKER_00: So you'll see generations changing the way they group think.
• 49:41
  SPEAKER_00: They think as a group.
• 49:44
  SPEAKER_00: So uh like baby boomers, uh the the the big people that came out of World War II.
• 49:50
  SPEAKER_00: The the millions of people, right?
• 49:52
  SPEAKER_00: What did they believe in?
• 49:53
  SPEAKER_00: They believed in uh homeownership and responsibility, and and so uh they actually made America great because they spent the money, they got the loans, they got the mortgages, they did all the things they had to do to actually live a life and pay the bills, right?
• 50:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because responsibility was the really the theme of the of the baby boomers, right?
• 50:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so uh as the baby boomers got older, uh they they spun off another generation of people who didn't believe so much of in responsibility, loyalty.
• 50:25
  SPEAKER_00: They believed in drugs and partying and right.
• 50:29
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but but this is all part of like where are you in in society?
• 50:34
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and how do you think about where you are in society and how do you feel about it?
• 50:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that becomes all riding on this idea like when is a good time for me to get married?
• 50:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's this it all ties into it, and and we haven't even talked about your childhood, right?
• 50:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about childhood in general, right?
• 50:53
  SPEAKER_00: But when we get specific into into your own childhood, then it becomes very meaningful to you.
• 50:59
  SPEAKER_00: But I haven't done that.
• 51:01
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 51:02
  SPEAKER_01: Got it.
• 51:04
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 51:05
  SPEAKER_01: Uh Larry, can you tell our audience uh where can people how can people contact you and buy your book and your uh you have courses or um some so I so the book uh is uh on Amazon.
• 51:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's the easy one.
• 51:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um but if you want to uh Larry Ballata, you can go to uh YouTube and see all kinds of videos there.
• 51:31
  SPEAKER_00: Uh or you can go to you can save this marriage dot com and you can save this marriage is a uh a website of my programs so you can see it that way.
• 51:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um but you have a free guide there, right?
• 51:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yeah, there's there's there's resources that people will learn from.
• 51:49
  SPEAKER_00: Uh like some of the questions you ask of what do you do about you know betrayal and and all those kinds of things.
• 51:56
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right, right.
• 51:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 51:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um so so those are all part of of uh getting educated and starting to learn more and take in more ideas.
• 52:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 52:08
  SPEAKER_01: But I will make sure I'll uh yeah, I will attach all the links down below in description.
• 52:15
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 52:16
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah.
• 52:17
  SPEAKER_01: Appreciate it.
• 52:18
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Larry, for yeah, yeah, of course.
• 52:20
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Larry, for sharing your powerful insights with us.
• 52:25
  SPEAKER_01: Uh and to my viewers, please check out the links down below to grab Larry's free guide.
• 52:31
  SPEAKER_01: And don't forget to like, like, and subscribe, and leave the comment down below, please.
• 52:37
  SPEAKER_01: See you next time, everybody.
• 52:38
  SPEAKER_01: Bye-bye.
• 52:39
  SPEAKER_03: Bye-bye.