Latest / Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing / #87| Breaking Free from Relationship Overwhelm
Transcript
- 0:00Michelle Gauthier: Have you ever found yourself walking on eggshells around someone?
- 0:03Michelle Gauthier: You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less.
- 0:15Michelle Gauthier: I'm your host, ichelle Gothier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach.
- 0:20Michelle Gauthier: On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences and in each episode you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease and relaxation to your life.
- 0:32Michelle Gauthier: Hey friend, thanks for joining today.
- 0:36Michelle Gauthier: Today we're going to be talking about navigating tough or difficult relationships.
- 0:42Michelle Gauthier: It might even be a toxic relationship, and if you're human and you've gotten this far that you're an adult and listening to this podcast, you have definitely had some tough relationships over time.
- 0:53Michelle Gauthier: When I think back to tough relationships that I have had in the past, I feel like they all have something in common.
- 1:00Michelle Gauthier: So today we're going to talk about how to recognize when you're in a challenging relationship, and I don't even mean with your spouse necessarily, although that certainly could be the relationship you're thinking of as I'm describing this but it could be with your boss, your father-in-law, one of your coworkers, one or all of your children, and I will teach you today how to recognize the signs that you're in a challenging relationship and then, probably more importantly, what you can do to either mend the relationship or just move forward with it, but move forward with peace.
- 1:34Michelle Gauthier: The first step in navigating relationships that are tough is guess what?
- 1:39Michelle Gauthier: I feel like this is always the first step in anything realizing that you're in one.
- 1:44Michelle Gauthier: This used to be really tough for me because, as a person who, just in general, usually gets along with people and used to be a professional people pleaser, when I was in a relationship that was tough or strained, I would always be trying to fix it and act like okay, everything's fine, I get along with everyone, everything's going to be fine.
- 2:04Michelle Gauthier: So sometimes just stopping and naming it and saying this is a tough relationship is a first important step that you have to take.
- 2:13Michelle Gauthier: So here's how you can know.
- 2:15Michelle Gauthier: These are the signs that you're in a relationship that is not probably the easiest one of your life.
- 2:20Michelle Gauthier: Number one is if you feel emotional drained.
- 2:24Michelle Gauthier: So if you feel consistently drained after interacting with this person, that is a sign that you should pay attention to.
- 2:30Michelle Gauthier: On the flip side, if you think of someone who, when you spend time with them, you feel more energized or better than you felt before, it's kind of the opposite of that, that really, no matter what the interaction is, it always feels exhausting or draining of that.
- 2:45Michelle Gauthier: That really, no matter what the interaction is, it always feels exhausting or draining.
- 2:50Michelle Gauthier: The other one is if you have patterns of miscommunication or conflict, so you have, like frequent misunderstandings or just unresolved tension, or they give you the silent treatment or you give them the silent treatment that's an indicator that this is probably a tough relationship.
- 3:03Michelle Gauthier: Another thing that you can notice, especially if you're a people pleaser, is that you start changing your behavior and act in a way that doesn't feel authentic to yourself just to avoid conflict or gain approval.
- 3:17Michelle Gauthier: And the last one is feeling stuck or helpless.
- 3:20Michelle Gauthier: So sometimes your interactions just feel like you're stuck in this loop of miscommunication with no clear solution and no idea how this is going to be resolved.
- 3:30Michelle Gauthier: Often this can happen when you're on like two completely opposite sides of the coin on one or more issues.
- 3:36Michelle Gauthier: So, even though not every tough relationship will have all four of these signs, if, as I was talking, somebody was coming to mind for you, for each one of those, that's probably an indicator that it's a relationship that might be tough or even toxic.
- 3:52Michelle Gauthier: Not every tough relationship is toxic.
- 3:54Michelle Gauthier: But recognizing the early signs is really important so that you can try to, if you choose, to, repair the relationship, leave the relationship or stay in the relationship, but you feel peaceful about it.
- 4:07Michelle Gauthier: As I'm thinking through some of those signs that I just went over, which were again emotionally drained, patterns of miscommunication or conflict, loss of personal identity meaning doing things that they want you to do so that you don't cause a conflict, and just feeling stuck or helpless.
- 4:24Michelle Gauthier: When I had a hard relationship with one of my former bosses that I checked all four of those boxes, I think, on a daily basis.
- 4:31Michelle Gauthier: Especially the emotional drain and even just the knowing that I was going to have to communicate with this person would make me feel drained before we even talked, much less after we talked.
- 4:43Michelle Gauthier: So you may be experiencing all four of those, or maybe just one or two of those four, but either way, it's probably an indicator that you're having a tough relationship with someone.
- 4:54Michelle Gauthier: Another thing to note, too, is that as I'm talking through these, I'm thinking right now I feel like one of my children and I are in a pattern of having tough communication and being in a tough relationship.
- 5:05Michelle Gauthier: It has previously felt like that with the other one, and it doesn't last forever.
- 5:11Michelle Gauthier: So you could just be in a period of having a tough time with someone versus oh my gosh, this is a really tough relationship and it just always is and it always has to be that way, so it could be temporary as well.
- 5:23Michelle Gauthier: So how do we get here?
- 5:24Michelle Gauthier: Why do relationships become troubled?
- 5:26Michelle Gauthier: It's interesting, I think, too, in relationships of your choosing.
- 5:29Michelle Gauthier: So obviously, you're not choosing your children, you're not choosing your parents, you're not choosing your boss, but you're choosing your partner.
- 5:37Michelle Gauthier: You're choosing friends who you get to spend time around.
- 5:40Michelle Gauthier: So how do those go from I've chosen this relationship to becoming troubled?
- 5:46Michelle Gauthier: Here are a couple of reasons why relationships become troubled.
- 5:50Michelle Gauthier: One is unspoken expectations or disappointment.
- 5:54Michelle Gauthier: I have a previous podcast episode about changing, adjusting your expectations and I will link that in the show notes.
- 6:02Michelle Gauthier: If this feels like an area that really resonates with you and your tough relationship, I would suggest going back and listening to that episode.
- 6:10Michelle Gauthier: So what happens here is that you have an expectation for someone.
- 6:14Michelle Gauthier: You probably haven't communicated it and you might not even realize that you have it.
- 6:20Michelle Gauthier: For example, I had, when my kids were littler, I had a nanny and my expectation of her was that she would be at work every single day that I had to work and it seems like to me that felt really obvious and it didn't seem like something that I needed to communicate like this is your job, these are the days you work, I expect you to be here.
- 6:41Michelle Gauthier: And it seemed like her expectations were I will come to work if nothing else is coming up in my day.
- 6:48Michelle Gauthier: And so my expectations and I was super disappointed that at least one day a week there was something that was happening where she couldn't come to work.
- 6:57Michelle Gauthier: So me having the expectation that she would and her having the expectation or behaving in such a way that she didn't was a real problem with me.
- 7:07Michelle Gauthier: And I realize now I never told her that or even consciously thought about that.
- 7:13Michelle Gauthier: Another reason why relationships become troubled is fear of conflict.
- 7:17Michelle Gauthier: So if you know something is wrong in a relationship that you have with someone and if you're thinking of someone right now and it might be coming up and you're thinking, yeah, I really do have that problem with them, but I'm afraid to talk to them about it, it just creates more tension that avoiding the conflict or fearing the conflict or bringing up hard conversations.
- 7:38Michelle Gauthier: So keeping things surface level often contributes to creating a tough relationship Having different values or priorities.
- 7:46Michelle Gauthier: I think this is one that comes in play a lot with spouses.
- 7:50Michelle Gauthier: Let's just think about, like you have a Saturday and what your priorities that the family should do or what you and your spouse should do are different than what your spouses might be.
- 8:03Michelle Gauthier: That can cause friction.
- 8:04Michelle Gauthier: It could be something bigger, like a value in how you want to raise your kids versus how your spouse wants to raise your kids, or a value in how you do your work versus how your boss thinks you should do your work.
- 8:18Michelle Gauthier: So a misalignment of values can often cause friction and create a tough relationship.
- 8:24Michelle Gauthier: There are lots of other reasons why relationships become troubled, but I think these are some of the top ones.
- 8:29Michelle Gauthier: So it's two things that are kind of unspoken Unspoken expectations and unspoken conflict or hard conversations that need to happen.
- 8:38Michelle Gauthier: And then the third one is just a big difference in values or priorities can cause a strain and cause stress on a relationship.
- 8:46Michelle Gauthier: So if you're shaking your head along with me right now in the up and down yes position and you're like, yep, I definitely have that going on with somebody in my life maybe it's your mom, maybe it's your person who sits next to you at work.
- 9:01Michelle Gauthier: Whoever, here's what you can do to feel better in those relationships.
- 9:07Michelle Gauthier: Now, just a reminder that what we focus on in this podcast is, all the time, what is in your control versus what isn't in your control.
- 9:15Michelle Gauthier: And what I'm trying to do when I'm giving you this information and that's true of every episode on this podcast is I'm trying to give you things that you can do, because a relationship has two people in it, but you're the only one that you're the boss of.
- 9:26Michelle Gauthier: So I'm trying to give you things that you can do, because a relationship has two people in it, but you're the only one that you're the boss of.
- 9:28Michelle Gauthier: So I'm going to tell you things that you can empower yourself to do when you're in these tough relationships so that, at the very least, you can feel better.
- 9:37Michelle Gauthier: So the first thing is to set and communicate your boundaries.
- 9:43Michelle Gauthier: Boundaries are for you, to protect you, not about controlling the other person.
- 9:47Michelle Gauthier: As an example, if you think about boundaries in a tough relationship, you could have a boundary that says something like and I've used this one with one of my children that when you're yelling, I'm not going to participate in the conversation.
- 10:02Michelle Gauthier: I love you.
- 10:03Michelle Gauthier: I am open to talking about this at a different time, but I am not sticking around to be yelled at.
- 10:09Michelle Gauthier: So I have a boundary that I'm not going to be in a room where someone is yelling at me.
- 10:15Michelle Gauthier: So see how you might have a tendency to want to say I have a boundary that you can't yell at me, I'm not in charge of if one of my children, or both of them, yell at me, or if anyone yells at me.
- 10:26Michelle Gauthier: I'm only in charge of f one of my children, or both of them, yell at me, or if anyone yells at me, I'm only in charge of how I respond to it.
- 10:30Michelle Gauthier: So what you do is you think about what your boundary is and you think about how you need to communicate it Best to communicate it when you're not in the heated situation, by the way, and then your job is just to hold your boundary while staying calm.
- 10:46Michelle Gauthier: There's a ton more information about this in episode four and episode 66.
- 10:51Michelle Gauthier: So if you want the exact steps for how to create a boundary, how to hold it, how to communicate it, all those details, go to one of those episodes and you will find it.
- 11:01Michelle Gauthier: The next idea is to control your responses, but not the outcome.
- 11:06Michelle Gauthier: So focus on how you show up in the relationship rather than focusing on fixing or changing the other person.
- 11:14Michelle Gauthier: We have a tendency as humans, when somebody's getting on our nerves, to think about if they just did this, then I would feel better.
- 11:22Michelle Gauthier: Instead of that, think about how you can feel better.
- 11:25Michelle Gauthier: So maybe the way that you can feel better and the example I just gave is to step away, or maybe if what's really bothering you about this person is that they don't have the same priorities as you and your priority is to have a clean kitchen every night before you go to bed, and it's not theirs Instead of fighting with them and focusing on how they're not doing that and if they did that, your life would be so much better Just decide.
- 11:48Michelle Gauthier: You know what I'm going to do it.
- 11:49Michelle Gauthier: I'm just going to clean up the kitchen myself.
- 11:51Michelle Gauthier: The part that you can control is how you respond Now.
- 11:56Michelle Gauthier: Earlier I alluded to one of the problems in relationships being having expectations that weren't communicated or that you haven't even investigated.
- 12:05Michelle Gauthier: So the third tip is to adjust your expectation, just like the boundaries.
- 12:10Michelle Gauthier: There are several episodes on this.
- 12:12Michelle Gauthier: I think maybe 5, 10 episodes on this, but specifically episode 20 and 23 will help you understand how to do that.
- 12:20Michelle Gauthier: But specifically episode 20 and 23 will help you understand how to do that.
- 12:24Michelle Gauthier: But I think the key takeaway here is that when you have an expectation of someone that they're going to do something, let's go back to the one I just used, where I have an expectation that my spouse should be doing the dishes every night after dinner and he isn't.
- 12:35Michelle Gauthier: So the reality is he isn't.
- 12:37Michelle Gauthier: Holding that expectation makes me frustrated every single night when he doesn't do it.
- 12:42Michelle Gauthier: So if I just have the expectation that he's going to push away from the dinner table and go retire to the other room and watch TV, then I can be less irritated because my expectations are lowered.
- 12:54Michelle Gauthier: Now I know you're probably like but why would I do that?
- 12:57Michelle Gauthier: Because then I'm just taking on more work and he's not changing.
- 13:03Michelle Gauthier: Okay, at this point, you've already asked him to change.
- 13:05Michelle Gauthier: You've asked him to do it and he's not doing it.
- 13:07Michelle Gauthier: So ask yourself what would make me feel better.
- 13:10Michelle Gauthier: Do I want to keep banging my head against the wall with this topic or do I just want to adjust my expectations?
- 13:16Michelle Gauthier: You're not letting him off the hook by doing that.
- 13:18Michelle Gauthier: You can still ask him to help you, but just knowing in your mind that your expectations are lowered will give you more peace.
- 13:25Michelle Gauthier: If you don't believe me, just try it.
- 13:27Michelle Gauthier: Just try it one time.
- 13:28Michelle Gauthier: Adjust your expectations and see what happens.
- 13:31Michelle Gauthier: And then the very last thing to do is to just accept and let go of what you can't control.
- 13:37Michelle Gauthier: Easier said than done.
- 13:40Michelle Gauthier: But be like Elsa Just let it go.
- 13:44Michelle Gauthier: Accept that you can't change another person, not the person you're in a tough relationship, not the person you have a great relationship.
- 13:51Michelle Gauthier: Nobody.
- 13:52Michelle Gauthier: You cannot change another person.
- 13:54Michelle Gauthier: So instead, focus on yourself, focus on what brings you joy and fulfillment and do things that make you happy.
- 14:02Michelle Gauthier: Focus on things that make you happy, even if the relationship stays complicated.
- 14:07Michelle Gauthier: Okay, so today we've talked about how to recognize when a relationship becomes troubled, how it happens, and then tools you can use like boundaries changing the way that you respond.
- 14:20Michelle Gauthier: Like boundaries, changing the way that you respond, adjusting your expectations and just accepting or letting go to address it.
- 14:25Michelle Gauthier: If you try some of these things, I think what will happen, even if your relationship doesn't get better, is you will feel better.
- 14:33Michelle Gauthier: In fact, I can almost guarantee that you will feel better even if absolutely nothing else changes.
- 14:38Michelle Gauthier: Okay, here's Michelle's do less for more success tip.
- 14:42Michelle Gauthier: Today I recommend and this is funny because I just did this the other day and thought I need to tell people this on my podcast.
- 14:59Michelle Gauthier: There was something that I was really dreading doing.
- 15:00Michelle Gauthier: I'm going to tell you guys exactly what it was.
- 15:02Michelle Gauthier: My son eats about 12 gallons of ketchup every week.
- 15:07Michelle Gauthier: He eats ketchup on absolutely everything.
- 15:09Michelle Gauthier: He has chicken nuggets for his second dinner every night before he goes to bed and he takes them into his room and he leaves the plates in his room and the ketchup dries on the plate and he leaves them in there.
- 15:22Michelle Gauthier: And then one day I'll be like, hey, where are all the plates?
- 15:26Michelle Gauthier: And he brings in all the nasty ketchup plates into the kitchen.
- 15:31Michelle Gauthier: Now my rule is that he's supposed to bring them back every day, which he doesn't, and that when he brings them back, he is the one who has to wash them until they're absolutely clean and then put them in the dishwasher.
- 15:43Michelle Gauthier: Well, one day he brought them in and he snuck off to school and I didn't even notice.
- 15:47Michelle Gauthier: He put them in there until he was gone, and so I was right in the position of it's like I had to take all of my own advice from what we were talking about today.
- 15:54Michelle Gauthier: Do I want this to get on my nerves all day, or should I just do this?
- 15:59Michelle Gauthier: So here's where the tip comes in.
- 16:02Michelle Gauthier: I thought you know I'm really dreading this and I bet it's going to take me less than two minutes to do it.
- 16:07Michelle Gauthier: So I set a timer on my Alexa for two minutes and I tackled that task of cleaning the disgusting dried on ketchup plates and putting them in the dishwasher.
- 16:17Michelle Gauthier: And guess what?
- 16:18Michelle Gauthier: It took me less than two minutes Plus.
- 16:20Michelle Gauthier: It was kind of fun because I felt like I was playing a game.
- 16:22Michelle Gauthier: So, whatever it is that you're dreading, set a timer for X amount of time five minutes, two minutes, 15 minutes, whatever it is.
- 16:31Michelle Gauthier: You can make a ton of progress in that small amount of time, even if you don't finish the task, and it just helps you stay motivated.
- 16:37Michelle Gauthier: Also, just as a side note, if any of you moms of younger kids who are still in charge of like what they eat and where they eat it are right now thinking I'm never going to let my kids eat in their room, I just want you to know I said that too and I didn't stick with it and maybe you should.
- 16:52Michelle Gauthier: Maybe you should avoid this problem for yourself, if you can do that.
- 16:56Michelle Gauthier: Okay, friends, that's it for today.
- 16:58Michelle Gauthier: If you found this episode helpful, or you find this podcast helpful, I would love if you would share it with a friend or leave a review.
- 17:06Michelle Gauthier: That would just be wonderful.
- 17:08Michelle Gauthier: It helps for several reasons If you rate the podcast and if you subscribe.
- 17:13Michelle Gauthier: Number one you never miss an episode, so that's fantastic.
- 17:16Michelle Gauthier: And number two, it indicates to all the algorithm gods that this podcast is worth listening to and shows it to other women who are searching for things like overwhelm or people-pleasing or challenging relationships, like we're talking about today.
- 17:31Michelle Gauthier: So thanks for leaving a review.
- 17:33Michelle Gauthier: If you haven't done that, if you have already left a review and you want to pass on an episode of the podcast to a friend, that would be wonderful too.
- 17:40Michelle Gauthier: Have a great week.
- 17:41Michelle Gauthier: See you soon.
- 17:42Michelle Gauthier: Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast.
- 17:49Michelle Gauthier: If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at michellegothiercom.
- 17:55Michelle Gauthier: See you next week.