Latest / Accidental Bible Scholar / Let's Dance: Breaking the Crazy Cycle & Energizing Your Marriage
Transcript
- Jeff: Hey, this is Jeff Ward. Welcome back to the Accidental Bible Scholar Podcast. This is episode 32, if you're paying attention to that. Thanks for joining us. We're glad that you are listening. Just a reminder, according to John 17 3, eternal life is knowing God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ. And it's our hope and prayer that this podcast encourages you in your walk and your relationship with Him. If you have any questions, Concerns, criticism, or topics you'd like to hear Randy discuss, email us at contact at accidentalbiblescholar.com. you can find us on Apple Podcast, Amazon Music, Spotify, iHeartRadio, and YouTube, that as video. every Thursday we release a new episode. If you want to go to our website, it's not Completed, but it is functional. You can find all of our podcasts and links to them there. That website is www.accidentalbiblescholar.com. We're continuing our study of Ephesians. Last week we split a podcast that went about an hour and twenty minutes into two. And we talked about marriage. We ended discussing the crazy cycle in marriage and talked about how to end the crazy cycle and get into the energizing cycle. And I'm excited for you to hear it. Without further ado, let's jump into that podcast. Randy: Yeah. Like well, I have said with Christy and I when we'll have a discussion is like, you know, this is what I heard you say and that kind of fired me up. Or an and we can talk about it like that. Yeah, be able to use Didn't mean it like that or you know Yeah, they almost I mean, they us, we almost never mean it like that, right? Right. I'm trying to respect her. Right. When I pull away. She's trying to love me when she gets right in my face, say. Right. Anyway, yeah, so there's a little bit of and we'll talk about that that's a good transition to the next phase to talk about how to break this cycle. let me just review the cycle. She feels unloved, she reacts in a way that feels disrespecting, he feels disrespected, he reacts in a way that feels unloving, she feels unloved, and around and around it goes. Okay. So the the idea, there's two ideas there. One is to break the when you find yourself in that mode, is to break it. Because here's the reality. The is the wife loved? Absolutely. In a Christian marriage, she's loved. Is the husband respected? Yes. Okay, so that's step one for us just to kind of come to an agreement in our own minds and between us and our spouses that okay, I love you dearly and she respects me, unconditionally. So that's that's the first clue. The next clue is to decode what's happening. Take off your blue s blue glasses that's filtering out everything that that you that you can't see that's feminine, her to take off her pink glasses and quit filtering everything through her feminine mindset and to interrupt this this cycle. So when the when you mess up and your wife responds to you because she feels unloved and it feels like disrespect, just go, no, she's not disrespecting you. She's trying to correct the love. She's trying to reconnect. Right. And just go, okay. So now do what do the opposite of what you want to do. Move closer. Connect. Get face to face. Let her get face to face. T see, because Because I'm fully loved, I can s I can take my need for respect or my need to be offended by something and put it to the side and just one hopefully get rid of that forever, the need or the idea of being offended, and just l and just meet her where she is. Yep. And go right to her. Move closer. Yeah. Not move farther away. And the wife needs to do the same thing. Just stop and reinterpret. Yeah. It's taking that ground from Satan. Yep. You're not getting in the middle of it. Exactly. Take the ground away by, like you said, interrupting the cycle and yeah. Yeah. And the wife can interrupt it by instead of hearing something unloving, hearing something respectful. Give him a little time. Sure. If if he's upset and he's creating space, let him create space. It's not unloving. Right. He's just reacting in a way that that he needs to react or that he has been taught to react and is designed within him this 'cause he's speaking the language of respect. He's he's actually respecting you. He's not unloving you. He loves you, but he's also trying to respect you by just creating some space, let everything die down. So whoever, you know, I don't know who initiates that, but but both of you can stop the the crazy cycle. and then and then kind of finishing up here, we're at an hour here, but So I won't spend a whole lot of time on this next part, but this is what the author would call the energizing cycle. You know, instead of waiting for the crazy cycle to get going or about to get going and put the brakes on it, be proactive. You know, what's that mean? That means l that means do what Ephesians thirty three s five thirty three says, love her. Yeah. And to respect him. Let me I got whole lessons, maybe we can do these later because I got scripture to go with each one of these, but Let's talk about let me think I can throw out some five minutes on each, if that's even possible. But Hey if we have to break this into two lessons, okay let's do it. So or two podcasts. Loving your wife. Let's see. think about connection, okay? gr go to it. And again, there's nothing nothing new here, right? But but still, if you guys talk about it, both of you guys can talk about love and respect. Ask ask your wife what love feels like to her. Yeah, that'd be another another thing. You're to cleave. So you're to we've been commanded to cleave, right? a oneness, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. closeness is a reconnecting at the end of the day. At the end of the day, you're tired and just wanna wanna unwind. that's okay. She's been away from you, so she wants to reconnect. She wants the face to face time. So when you come in help in the kitchen, ask about her day, listen to it. And here's the hard part. Be ready to tell about your day. That's loving your wife. when she wants to know what's been going on. Right. Sh there's been a distance. There's been an eight, ten, twelve hour distance between the two of you. Yes. As as to love her is to reconnect. Part of the reconnection is you telling her about your day. another good word here is involvement. Be ho be involved in the home, in the chores, in the parenting. most men, many of us, tend toward independence than involvement. But we need to go against that because she needs you to be involved in every aspect of the home. That's telling her that you have left and you have or you are cleaving. Okay. And one funny thing, yeah. It doesn't take much. Like a little bit of involvement is giant. It is. And all of a sudden she's like, Thanks so much And you're like, I didn't really I w I didn't feel like I was doing much at all. But yeah, just a little bit of jumping in. Yeah. Is huge. Yeah. Go change a diaper or whatever. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. In times of conflict, she needs to get it all out on the table. Let her get it on the table. Don't feel disrespected if it if it's at a loud volume as she's getting it out on the table. Don't don't let that happen. Yeah. she's trying to reconnect, interpret it as as that. let's see, some other stuff. be open. Open up yourself to her. She a man's tendency is to close off. Don't close off. Open to her. You can be closed off to the rest of the world in some degree or another, but don't be closed off your to your husband. I mean to your wife. Let her in. Hearing I put here, hearing your thoughts and having you listen to her face to face is energizing. Yeah. So reconnect. be open. let's see. I said many wives want to keep their relationship up to date. That means talking through the events of the day and talking through any possible conflicts. And that means doing it daily. let's see. Can I interject again? Yes. So, you know, I work for Delta. Mm-hmm. And so I'm gone. I know if I'd use that word, but yeah. You're employed, my doubt. Employed. I'm sorry. And so I just got back from a trip. Uhhuh. Three day trip the the last night. So this morning, went on a walk with Christy and she talked. And w she's talking a lot on our walk and she finally goes, Whoa, I've been talking this whole time And I was like, Yeah, and I love it. I really meant you know, yeah. Keep going. I like to hear it. Yeah. You know, for her it's just like boom, we're can I think Yeah. At the time I didn't think, whoa, we're connecting. But yeah, I can see. Yeah. We're connecting again after a trip. So I found that you kinda come home, there's a little bit of a disconnection just because we've been doing our own thing. Yeah. And And you went to Tokyo, so you're dog tired. Yeah. But we come home. But you still need to connect. And I used to come back, we do it a little differently now, but we would go Just to breakfast or we'd run to Walmart, run an errand or something where we're but it's just her and I and we just talk, you know, or just connect back. Yeah. Get on the same sheet of music again. Right. Not that we were discon you know what I you know what I'm saying. Yeah. Yep. let's go to first Peter three seven. Can you flip that out? Man. Wear out my Bible here. Flipping these pages. Mm-hmm. I know, man. Yes. Husbands in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as the weaker partners and show them honor as fellow heirs of the grace of life. In this way nothing will hinder your prayers. Okay. Yeah, that's already hinted at that. But I would like to bring out the part about a weaker vessel. She's not weaker to you in many ways. Right. emotional strength, we're not talking moral strength, we're not talking intellectual strength. We are to some degree talking physical strength. Mm-hmm. You know, you can go, well that's all talking about physical strength. And I get that. you know, we don't want to you know, our culture right now is trying to stamp out all the difference between male and female, but like it or not, males are stronger than females. You can find a few instances that's not the case. But you know what's you what's also going on here? And this was as a as a man who raised daughters and you've you've got two daughters, you've raised sons as well, obviously, but the weaker vessel also is an expression of the wife's vulnerability to the husband in the marriage relationship. You know, I if I when I weigh if I I didn't raise sons, but if I was thinking sons, I think, you I'd be a little less concerned about them in their marriage relationship because they're the ones that they're that are the leaders. They're the stronger ones physically. And and some of their natural tendencies kind of would make me worry about less. but with raising girls I was, you know, I always taught them I gave them they didn't really realize it, but I was giving them a knucklehead filter 'cause I wanted I didn't want to marry the knucklehead because they're vulnerable in a way that the man is not vul vulnerable in the marriage. Yeah. I think that's what one thing first Peter three seven is talking about. Yeah. And you may think I'm crazy or people that saw me do it my thing, but I opened the I opened the car doors for my wife and both daughters. Yeah. when they got out of car seats and doing their own thing, that was a little bit of work. But I on the passenger side I would work I c I would work I'd open both doors at the same time. And Gracie, our youngest, she would wait be on she's on the driver's side. She would stand there and wait until I got over there and open the door because I had her trained. Right. What was my point? As soon as she went out on a date with a knucklehead, that was a knucklehead filter. They don't treat me the she doesn't this knucklehead doesn't treat me like dad treats me. And you can carry that through your entire day with your daughters. Right. They there is a vulnerability there, I think, within the marriage relationship that a woman has and a man doesn't. Yeah. And so that's that's why this teaching is super important. That's why the command to love your wife is super important. good. I remember my daughter went on a date with a guy and she came back. She's like, Daddy didn't even open the door for me And I have never ever said you know, I've never sat down and said, Hey, you need to open the door or you know, you I I would expect a guy that takes you out to open the door for you. Yeah. She just saw me do that for Christy. I don't do I didn't do that for my daughters separate all three, but she understands that and I just chuckled. I'm like, Well I would expect most guys don't 'cause they just don't aren't trained that way. Yeah. So I like, don't let that rule the be the Yeah, no, be the be the factor. But but you probably treated her in a way throughout her day, every day, that she could go, that's you know, this is this is guy is just not I mean you could he could deceive her by opening her door, maybe. But no, there's exact there's so many more layers to that. Yep. Indications of that the way you treat your daughters. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. the wife is vulnerable when the husband doesn't try to understand her ways. and when when you dishonor her by treating her as less than an an equal, less than in put it in Peter's language, a fellow heir of the grace of life. but here don't pass judgment on her differences. We're we're we're we as men probably tend to do that more than the lady does. Yeah. she tends sends to be a little more emotionally squared away and and understands things, has a maybe some would call it a higher emotional IQ. She just understands these things better. But anyway, okay. Are you gonna talk about it says in this way nothing will hinder your prayers? No, if you don't love their wives, yeah. Yeah, but you want to hinder your prayers is not love your wife. No. Yeah. That that kind of fits into that principle in the first or that what I call the spiritual law in the first part of or the last part of chapter verse twenty eight. A man who loves his wife loves himself. Yeah. Right? And answered prayers would certainly be a good thing for you, right? Yeah. Or unhindered prayers to just to put it in that language. Right. Yeah. I already talked about it and hinted out, but we fight differently or we argue differently. We or let me put it more succinctly, we resolve conflict differently. You know, men just space sometimes fixes it. Women generally need to get it all out in the open. Your wife is probably you're gonna love your wife by not just going, Hey, let's just drop it and forget about it. She probably can't. Yeah. That'll probably come back maybe years later. It was just hard for her to forget that. She needs some resolution. She needs it all tied up in a in a bundle and and and then get rid of it. the man is different than that. So so listen to her. She needs to hear, I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? All right. She needs to hear that probably more than you do. I put here, this is I can't remember if I got this from the book or or made it up, but I go, She's living in a swimsuit issue world. She needs to know that you treasure her above above all else. Yeah. That you're a one woman man. She needs you to know that by her your actions and by your words. Yeah. Your assurance of of her love. so let's see. We won't go there, but song Song of Solomon 7-6 talks about he he he's expressing her her charms and her delights. Tell her what you like about her. she needs your praise. Psalms 31, 29, 28 through 29. That's the the the woman, Psalm 31 woman. go read Psalm 31, 28, and 29. Those are those are all things that will give us ideas about how to love our wife. Let's go real quick to What was that Psalm? thirty-one, I think twenty-eight through twenty-nine. Yeah. So I'm sorry. The song, I think it's the song of Solomon, is seven six. Okay. Not a psalm. Did you say a psalm a minute ago? No, let's see. No, I don't think so. I think I probably mis miss said Song of Solomon. I just called it Songs. Proverbs thirty one, twenty eight, twenty nine, that's the proverb. Okay. Thank you. Yeah. All right. Let me think. I gotta change pages. Respecting your husband and let's see. Maybe I can pull out a few things. I would also as we're talking through these things, as I'm talking about love, the woman It's ringing her bell. Remember, we're you're not I'm not asked we're not asked to be gravitated toward what rings our bell. We're asked being asked to gravitate to or what rings your husband's bell or your wife's bell. Yeah. So I just talked about how you love your wife and the wives are going, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And the and the the men may be disconnected. And we need to get that turned around. Right. Right? So now I'm gonna talk about respect and the men were going, Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, no, no. This is not for the men, this is for the wives. let's see. We talked about unconditional respect. When I I will tread lightly here and I'm not going to probably spend quite as much time, but when I was preparing this years ago and I was bouncing some of this off Angela and she goes, She made the comment, I wish a lady could teach this lesson and I'm like, Why? And she's and s what she's worried about, she's worried about the ladies feeling beat up. Right. And and the and the women in the in the church Especially when it comes to submitting. that that's an overused and many times abused word. Right. And the implications of it, and sure a woman can feel beat up. I'm not intending to beat anybody up here, okay? Here's what I asked Angela. I said, Angela, if you're if you're trying to become a better tennis player, would you hire a golf coach or a tennis coach? And you'd Well, you'd want the tennis coach, right? So if you're trying to speak respect better, do you want a man to tell you how to do that or do you want a woman to tell you how to do that? So I'm I'm so and I just did the opposite of my freaking love, right? Yeah. so anyway, for what's worth, you know, I put here appreciate his desire t to work and achieve. Right. That that's kind of built into your average man to work and achieve. so You know, Adam w had a job before he had a wife. He had a mission and a purpose in life before he had a wife. you know, I think we'll have jobs in heaven. That's his free free charge side note there. But and watch your little boys. Your little boys are exploring and conquering and hunting and achieving and building. you know, just watch them play. They play differently. Yeah. Than than little girls. You know, I have two grandsons now, so and we Angel and I have had fun experiencing 'cause we raised two daughters. We're and we have a granddaughter as well, but now we're we've the boys are six and nine, so we've for nine years we've watched little boys grow up and it's been interesting 'cause it's different than little girls. Okay. you know what a fur what a two men talk about when they first meet. You know, what do you do? Well you do. And you know, that's kind of the way it is. That so learn to appreciate that. there's to my knowledge, there's no similar drive in the woman. You know, women today want the choice of working or not working, but but the drive is different. So learn to appreciate that in your in your husband. learn to appreciate his desire to protect and to provide. You know, that's a place you can learn to voice your respect for him in those areas so protecting and providing. it's an awesome responsibility and he and he will be held accountable for it before God. and God has equipped him for that calling. He has a sense of need to provide and protect. let's see I had something like I mean here's here's some examples. who locks up at night in our house? Probably the same person that locks up in your house. The the man. Me. Yeah. And when I go on a trip, because I go on these Delta trips too, and I go, Hey, don't forget. Lock the doors, set the alarm, all these kinds of things. Right. Because she's told me, I forgot to lock all the doors last night. Well, a g a guy almost never forgets to lock the doors. Right. It's the way we're designed. So you're respecting your husband by just voicing that appreciation for some of those those things. I have and it's for obvious math reasons, I have twenty times the life insurance that my wife has. And you go, Well yeah, Randy, that's that's that's of course, because they're trying to replace your salary. Got that. But here's another thing. My wife has no idea that that's the case. Right. And she certainly hadn't researched it and bought it and paid for it and and pays those bills everything. I mean, it just Is that 'cause she's not thinking or clear? No, it's we're designed differently. I'm designed I'm I'm wanting to provide for her. Right. If I'm gone, I still want to provide for her. Right. so that's just I'm just throwing out little indications to show you that yeah, that's right. you know, in the middle of the night if alarm goes off or you hear a window break, who goes to the to the sound of the Christy's jumping up. Yeah. Christy hiding under the door. No, but who's going to the kids and who's going straight to the wherever that noise is? Right. That gives us a little hint of our design. So learn to appreciate that. Okay, let's see. What about his desire to serve and lead, you know, and you're and and and you can even cultivate that, you know. He wants to be the leader, hopefully. So so learn to follow. Learn to follow in a in a the way the church follows Christ, you know. Right. learn to understand where he's going and and that kind of thing. I make fun of Angela, it's just a joke. But I make fun of that. I'm constantly like looking back to make sure I get in front of her, you know. And I tease her that she's going her own way, but it looks like I'm leading because I'm looking backwards to make sure I stay in front of her. that's 'cause she walks slower and she cuts corners somewhere. when we're going some places maybe. But anyway. let's see. All of us are a work in progress. In this marriage thing, sometimes the the men are a little slower to learn in some of these areas. So so offer offer grace to us. But that that goes both ways. a quick side note here. I say some ladies probably feel fear being abused or taken advantage of. that happens. Happens probably today in Bay County here. but but a a an evil willed husband is gonna do it regardless, right? So again, don't be afraid. If you are afraid, get out of the situation until it calms down. I don't I'm talking divorce. I'm talking about physically get out. All right, let's see. you know one of the ways a man shows empathy? If you've if if you and I probably won't chuckle 'cause that's natural to us, is We give you solutions to your problems. Don't solve my problem. I'm just telling you. Yeah. Yeah. Appreciate that about him. Right. You know, we tell, you know, the the the marriage books spend most of the time on, hey, don't she's just voicing, she's not when you solve a problem, she's just trying to get out in the open. I'm like, okay, let's flip that around. One way to respect and honor him is to is to appreciate that he is a problem solver. Right. And he's gonna show you empathy by giving you a solution. Right. Listen to two men. First of all, I'm not gonna tell you my problem unless I want a solution. And when I tell you my problem, you're going, Hey dude, have you tried this? yeah, I'll go try that. Yeah. It's it's just a it's the way a man naturally shows empathy, is by telling you. Yeah. by helping you with your problems. let's see. I got a lot of stuff here that I'm gonna skip through. I put your husbands have a need for a shoulder to shoulder friendship. not that face to face friendship or the face to face yeah. So just look at the typical male recreational activities. We already talked about that. I got a buddy I go hunting with and we we're in separate tree stands all morning. two miles apart. And we'll come home. Hey, I was hunting. Good. Well what's what's Kelly up to? let me text him and see. Right. Right. So let's see. So so find some shoulder to shoulder things. This is not a s this is not a lesson on sex, but she needs an emotional release sometimes, like when you get back from Tokyo. The man sometimes needs a sexual release. It's almost it's very similar, it's just different in their in their in our makeup. Yeah. Let's see. I think we've been doing this long enough, but those are the commands. Ephesians five thirty-three. Husbands love your wives. Wives respect your husbands. that right there we could probably I mean I think I think that one verse hints at a lot to help us with our marriages and help us with our relationships with our wives and our and our husbands. Anything else you want to add or? The Great Dance. The gr the Is that what you call it? The Grand Grand Dance. I think it's what Jonathan Edwards called. I called it let's dance. Let's dance. Let's you and I enter back into that dance. Yeah. Let's orbit around each other as we orbit around the The triune God. And as you do that, it the marriage and your walk with Christ, it all just gets sweeter and sweeter when you do it. Yeah. And she starts I find it I just chuckle. We th I I she knows a lot of you know, she'll make like when I'm out of town, she'll make a decision. Mm-hmm. on something and I we both know it's pretty much a decision I would have made. Yeah. Or you know what I mean? She'll make it and go, Hey, I had to do this with put a dog down or whatever it is. Yeah. She knows that's what he would have done. Mm-hmm. Because we've just done this dance for a long time. Yeah. Not that we don't check with each other, you know, when we're around we are making those decisions together. But mm it's funny, we make decisions and we know what each other's thinking most of the time. Yeah. Uhhuh. Well you've done a lot of these you've been involved and and you've you've preferred each other over all others. Right. So yeah, you spend time together. Yeah. Okay. That's good. I guess you're done with I think I'm done. Well, it's been an hour and a half. This might be two podcasts, it might be one. We'll see what we do. All right. But If like I said in the beginning, if you have any questions or want Randy to amplify anything that he said or more examples or whatever, please let us know via email. thank you very much. Thanks for joining us.