Latest / The You Project / #1683 My (Personal) Non-Negotiables - Harps

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#1683 My (Personal) Non-Negotiables - Harps · The You Project

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  Speaker 1: I'll get a team. It's HAPs happy whatever day it
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  Speaker 1: is for you. It's two o'clock. It's about to hit
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  Speaker 1: two o'clock here in the thriving metropolis of Melbourne, in
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  Speaker 1: the PM, of course, not the AM. It's Tuesday. And
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  Speaker 1: one of the things that I talk about a lot
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  Speaker 1: when we're designing our life and we're trying to get
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  Speaker 1: clear about our values and who we want to be
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  Speaker 1: and how we want to be and what is okay
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  Speaker 1: for us, what is not okay for us, And when
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  Speaker 1: we are trying to find clarity around decision making and
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  Speaker 1: action taking and direction for our life or a part
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  Speaker 1: of our life, I talk about this idea of non negotiables,
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  Speaker 1: and that means based on who you want to be
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  Speaker 1: and how you want to be, how you want to
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  Speaker 1: show up in the world, what you want to do be,
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  Speaker 1: create and change. As I always say, what you want
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  Speaker 1: to do be, create and change based on that stuff,
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  Speaker 1: based on your values, based on your morals and ethics,
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  Speaker 1: and what matters to you, based on what your internal
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  Speaker 1: sat Nav tells you. Based on all that stuff, what
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  Speaker 1: for you would you call a non negotiable? And what
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  Speaker 1: I love about at least identifying them naming them, maybe
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  Speaker 1: even writing them down, committing to them, is that it
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  Speaker 1: increases our likelihood of living a life aligned with that who,
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  Speaker 1: how and why we want to be the way we
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  Speaker 1: want to be. And so I get asked often, you know,
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  Speaker 1: can you give me an example of values? Or can
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  Speaker 1: you give me an example of what is non negotiable
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  Speaker 1: for you? Can you give me an example of you know,
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  Speaker 1: when we talk about goal setting, the what and the why,
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  Speaker 1: can you unpack that a little bit? And I've done
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  Speaker 1: a fair bit of goal setting, and I think most
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  Speaker 1: of you have a pretty good insight into how I work.
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  Speaker 1: That is, how I think and how I live. And
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  Speaker 1: by the way, of course, I'm not an example for anyone.
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  Speaker 1: I'm flawed, and I'm a you know, sometimes I'm a
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  Speaker 1: fuck up and sometimes I'm not and sometimes I do
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  Speaker 1: good stuff and dumb stuff. But in the middle of
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  Speaker 1: all of my humanity, I am consistently trying to live
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  Speaker 1: up to my own standards and trying to live up
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  Speaker 1: to the ideal that I would like to be or
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  Speaker 1: like to be closer to. And so I want to
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  Speaker 1: share with you what are some of my non negotiables? Now,
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  Speaker 1: when I say non negotiable. I am saying my intention
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  Speaker 1: is for these to be absolutees on planet me. These
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  Speaker 1: are meant to be things that are literally non negotiable.
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  Speaker 1: Do I always live up to it? No? But what
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  Speaker 1: I like about having some clarity about the things that
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  Speaker 1: are for me the high watermark for me of my
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  Speaker 1: behavior and my decision making, and my lifestyle and the
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  Speaker 1: way that I treat people and the way that I communicate,
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  Speaker 1: the way that I, broadly speaking, do life. I like
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  Speaker 1: to have these. I've literally got these written down, and
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  Speaker 1: this is not all of it, but I've picked a
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  Speaker 1: dozen or so that I think some of these might
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  Speaker 1: resonate with you. In fact, I think for many of
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  Speaker 1: you a lot of them will resonate, and they might
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  Speaker 1: be you might want to adopt a version of these,
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  Speaker 1: because these are not relevant only to me. I think
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  Speaker 1: a lot of the ideas or the thoughts or the
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  Speaker 1: intentions that I share here are probably broadly relevant on
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  Speaker 1: a level anyway. So my non negotiable number one is
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  Speaker 1: to be self aware. Obviously, my PhD is around a
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  Speaker 1: kind of self awareness and to try to to try
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  Speaker 1: to understand the me experience in order to be able
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  Speaker 1: to build and maintain healthy and productive personal and professional relationships.
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  Speaker 1: So when I understand me more, I can build a
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  Speaker 1: high level of connection, respect, rapport, understanding, and engagement with others.
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  Speaker 1: But also greater self awareness for me helps me be
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  Speaker 1: accountable for and more conscious of the things that I
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  Speaker 1: am doing and whether or not those things are aligned
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  Speaker 1: with my higher intentions. So for me, self awareness and again,
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  Speaker 1: self awareness is work. Self awareness is effort. Self awareness
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  Speaker 1: is more than just a thing that we say me.
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  Speaker 1: Saying I am self aware doesn't mean I am just
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  Speaker 1: like me. Saying I'm in shape doesn't mean I'm in shape.
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  Speaker 1: I need to do the work to create the out
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  Speaker 1: and so too with self awareness. It is an ongoing
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  Speaker 1: work in progress. It is something that I commit to
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  Speaker 1: being and pursuing and improving. Non negotiable Number two for
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  Speaker 1: me is to be able to be the person or
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  Speaker 1: be a person who can consistently take action, do what's required,
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  Speaker 1: do the work in the middle of demotivation, in the
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  Speaker 1: middle of discomfort, in the middle of uncertainty, in the
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  Speaker 1: middle of inconvenience, in the middle of I don't feel
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  Speaker 1: like it, I don't want to do it. This is
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  Speaker 1: not fun, this is not painless, This is not. This
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  Speaker 1: is not what I want to be doing in the moment,
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  Speaker 1: but I know that I need to. I want to
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  Speaker 1: be that person so that I'm not I'm not the
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  Speaker 1: person who is constantly starting and stopping. I don't want
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  Speaker 1: to look up in ten years and goo wow, I've
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  Speaker 1: almost done a hundred things, but I've actually done fuck well.
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to be that person. And the reason
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  Speaker 1: that for me that needs to be a consistent kind
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  Speaker 1: of commitment is because I am not that person who
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  Speaker 1: will just magically rise to the top. I am not
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  Speaker 1: that gifted, highly intelligent, super creative, super brilliant overachiever. I'm
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  Speaker 1: not that person. And so for me to be able
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  Speaker 1: to be the best version of me, that's going to
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  Speaker 1: in part be dependent on my willingness and ability and
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  Speaker 1: courage and consistency to be able to do what's required
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  Speaker 1: to do the work, to stay the course when many
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  Speaker 1: people might typically give up because they're not motivated anymore
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  Speaker 1: or because it's hard. And so I think, this ability
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  Speaker 1: or this willingness, I guess to be able to find
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  Speaker 1: a to be proactive and productive and effective in the
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  Speaker 1: middle of demotivation and inconvenience and discomfort is a bit
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  Speaker 1: of a superpower. So number three is to have a
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  Speaker 1: purpose bigger than me. And I've spoken about this recently
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  Speaker 1: in my kind of ape step framework of you know,
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  Speaker 1: self reflection and self awareness and ending up in self
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  Speaker 1: actualization and the last step being self transcendence and all
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  Speaker 1: that means all it means for me anyway. For me,
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  Speaker 1: it means I need to have a purpose and a
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  Speaker 1: focus and a reason bigger than Craig Harper, because when
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  Speaker 1: I do that, I am better for others. I've tried selfishness.
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  Speaker 1: I've said this many times. I gave selfishness a good go.
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  Speaker 1: I still give it a good go sometimes when I'm
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  Speaker 1: not aware, when I'm not self aware, and I revert
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  Speaker 1: to that, I can revert to that. But for me,
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  Speaker 1: having a purpose bigger than me, a focus bigger than me,
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  Speaker 1: a reason bigger than me is not only is it
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  Speaker 1: good for others because I'm now I'm serving, but also
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  Speaker 1: it means that now I've got I've got a reason
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  Speaker 1: bigger than my own ego, my own comfort, my own happiness,
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  Speaker 1: and I'm becoming I'm becoming a better person by helping
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  Speaker 1: others rather than by trying to help myself. Constantly. Number
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  Speaker 1: four is you know this idea of equanimity of which
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  Speaker 1: we have spoken many times, and that is to be
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  Speaker 1: able to be the calm and the chaos. That is,
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  Speaker 1: to be able to find myself in the middle of
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  Speaker 1: what could be mental or emotional, or social or practical
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  Speaker 1: you know, mayhem at times, but to be able to
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  Speaker 1: self regulate in a way that now I am not
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  Speaker 1: being controlled by the energy of the situation or the
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  Speaker 1: chaos chaos of the situation, but rather I am I
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  Speaker 1: am managing me in the middle of all of the
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  Speaker 1: stuff that I can't manage, to be to calm in
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  Speaker 1: the chaos, to not be controlled or managed by the
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  Speaker 1: numerous manifestations of my fear, anxiety, self doubt, avoidance, procrastination, overthinking,
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  Speaker 1: all of that stuff that can hijack my emotions, that
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  Speaker 1: can hijack my brain, can literally hijack my body. And
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  Speaker 1: so for me, and I don't always nail it, but
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  Speaker 1: I have put myself in stressful and high pressure situations
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  Speaker 1: for most of the last forty years, taking lots of
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  Speaker 1: risks and getting uncomfortable on a regular basis, and doing
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  Speaker 1: things many, many, many things for the first time anxiously
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  Speaker 1: and intentionally choosing the narrow path, choosing the discomfort because
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  Speaker 1: for me, not always by the way, but many times,
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  Speaker 1: and for me I know that that's that's where I grow.
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  Speaker 1: And the more that I the more that I do
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  Speaker 1: that stuff, the more that I expose myself to that tough,
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  Speaker 1: that inconvenient, that uncomfortable stuff, the mayhem, the things that
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  Speaker 1: are out of my control. The more that I do
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  Speaker 1: that and survive, the more I build that competence and
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  Speaker 1: that skill and that calmness under pressure. And you think
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  Speaker 1: about life, you know, apart from all the great stuff
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  Speaker 1: that life can be, life can also be chaos. Life
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  Speaker 1: can also be terrifying. Life can also be, you know,
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  Speaker 1: an avalanche of shit we didn't see coming. And in
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  Speaker 1: the middle of the avalanche and the periodic chaos, you
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  Speaker 1: and I need to control what we can and ultimately
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  Speaker 1: that is ourselves. My next one, my next non negotiable,
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  Speaker 1: is to be okay with my imperfection, with my flaws,
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  Speaker 1: with my lack of ability, with my average genetics and
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  Speaker 1: my dysfunction, so that I'm not striving for perfection. I'm
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  Speaker 1: not miserable in the middle of my mediocrity. In fact,
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  Speaker 1: for me and I've said this probably a dozen times
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  Speaker 1: over the last few years, but for me, in some ways,
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  Speaker 1: my mediocrity was the catalyst for me to be able
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  Speaker 1: to succeed because the fact that I am not inherently
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  Speaker 1: super super talented or super genetically blessed or super brilliant,
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  Speaker 1: the fact that I'm not innately any of those things
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  Speaker 1: was a source of inspiration and motivation for me. In fact,
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  Speaker 1: I think I think if I had have been naturally
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  Speaker 1: just brilliant and naturally super athletic and super creative and
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  Speaker 1: things came very easily to me, I think if that
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  Speaker 1: was the reality of my childhood and early years, I
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  Speaker 1: think I might have been less successful than I currently
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  Speaker 1: am because I could be wrong, but I feel like
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  Speaker 1: I probably wouldn't have had the discipline, the self control,
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  Speaker 1: the resilience, the work ethic, the mindset that I currently
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  Speaker 1: have that came through my mediocrity. That came through falling
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  Speaker 1: down and getting up, that came through being picked last
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  Speaker 1: for every sporting team, that came through struggling academically, that
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  Speaker 1: came through all the uncertainty, and so for me to
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  Speaker 1: be a seeker of growth and development and improvement rather
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  Speaker 1: than a seeker of perfection just makes it, and it's
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  Speaker 1: for me, and I believe for all of us, it's
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  Speaker 1: a much healthier objective. My next one is to be
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  Speaker 1: a lifelong learner, a lifelong developer of my cognitive, emotional,
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  Speaker 1: and creative and practical skills. That is, to just committing
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  Speaker 1: myself to being a forever student. And I think in
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  Speaker 1: terms of doing that living in alignment with that non negotiable.
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  Speaker 1: You know, I'm sixty one, I'm still I'm at university.
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  Speaker 1: That's not a bad indicator that I'm at least trying
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  Speaker 1: to be a lifelong learner. And for me, that ability
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  Speaker 1: to be able to recognize what I believe or what
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  Speaker 1: I have believed, or what I think that is in
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  Speaker 1: fact a self imposed limitation. To be willing to not
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  Speaker 1: only to learn new things, to try new things, to
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  Speaker 1: expose myself to different experiences and ideas and energy and humans,
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  Speaker 1: but also to be willing to unlearn the things that
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  Speaker 1: I have intentionally or unintentionally learned over my journey that
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  Speaker 1: do not serve me anymore, or perhaps never did serve me.
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  Speaker 1: Think about some of the things that you've learned and
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  Speaker 1: I put learned in inverted commas that now are hardwired
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  Speaker 1: beliefs or ideas or concepts in your brain that actually
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  Speaker 1: are a form of self sabotage. For example, all the
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  Speaker 1: I could never I am not this kind of person,
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  Speaker 1: I couldn't do that, all of that self kind of
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  Speaker 1: deprecating and that self limiting and that self sabotaging internal
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  Speaker 1: dialogue that we have as a result of you know,
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  Speaker 1: thinking or believe or ideas that we have acquired along
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  Speaker 1: the way, which actually not only are they are not
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  Speaker 1: serving us, but they're also for the most part, generally
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  Speaker 1: not true, especially when it comes to all that over
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  Speaker 1: the top self limitation kind of self destruction thinking. So
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  Speaker 1: for me to be a lifelong learner, so that whether
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  Speaker 1: or not that's experiential learning face to face, whether or
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  Speaker 1: not that's trying new things, whether that's developing new skills,
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  Speaker 1: having different experiences with different humans in different places, whether
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  Speaker 1: it's listening to people that I don't agree with but
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  Speaker 1: I may learn something from and in fact I may
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  Speaker 1: even change my mind. Whether it's learning in a more
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  Speaker 1: formal setting like I am currently doing with my doctorate,
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  Speaker 1: whether or not it's just reading nonfiction books that aren't
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  Speaker 1: really in my kind of I guess wheelhouse, But nonetheless
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  Speaker 1: it's great for me to expose myself to different stuff.
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  Speaker 1: Not only are there the obvious benefits of having greater understanding,
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  Speaker 1: greater knowledge, and greater awareness for all the practical reasons
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  Speaker 1: of navigating life knowing more, having better knowledge, better understanding,
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  Speaker 1: better awareness, but there's the biological advantage of having a
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  Speaker 1: brain that works better because it's constantly being upgraded, it's
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  Speaker 1: constantly being trained, it's constantly going to that cerebral gym
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  Speaker 1: and doing a workout. My next non negotiable is to
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  Speaker 1: be present and to be grateful, and to not waste
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  Speaker 1: energy on things that I can't control. And I have
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  Speaker 1: wasted energy, as I'm sure many of you have, maybe
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  Speaker 1: way way too much energy focusing on obsessing about being
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  Speaker 1: frustrated by complaining about things that you can't control. Now,
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  Speaker 1: that doesn't mean we don't care. It just means that
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  Speaker 1: we are mindful of investing our energy, investing what we
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  Speaker 1: have so energy, time, emotion, skill, attention, passion resources where
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  Speaker 1: we will get the best return. I consciously choose not
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  Speaker 1: to invest me in things over which I have no control.
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  Speaker 1: I will control my controllables, and I will recognize my time,
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  Speaker 1: my emotion, my mental energy, my intelligence, my skill. I
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  Speaker 1: will recognize that for what it is, which is maybe
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  Speaker 1: my most valuable resource, and I will invest all of
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  Speaker 1: that stuff where I believe I'll get the best return emotional, psychological,
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  Speaker 1: and energetic ROI return on investment. My next non negotiable
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  Speaker 1: is to be able to happily coexist with the uncertainty,
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  Speaker 1: the unpredictability, and the unfamiliarity at times of the human experience.
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  Speaker 1: Is just to be able to I spoke before about
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  Speaker 1: being in the calm and the chaos, being the carm
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  Speaker 1: and the chaos, but also being able to adapt. You know,
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  Speaker 1: we talk about IQ intelligence, we talk about you know,
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  Speaker 1: or intellect. We talk about EQ. And this is not
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  Speaker 1: a which is emotional intelligence, but there's another term that
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  Speaker 1: people use or yeah, another idea which is AQ, which
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  Speaker 1: is adaptability quotient. And you know, considering we all live
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  Speaker 1: lives which have at least a part of that life
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  Speaker 1: that is uncertain and unpredictable. If we are the person
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  Speaker 1: in the middle of that life that has to have
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  Speaker 1: everything the same and everything known, and everything familiar and
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  Speaker 1: everything certain and everything predictable all of the time, we
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  Speaker 1: are the person who is destined to failure, because that
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  Speaker 1: ain't the world that we live in. You and I
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  Speaker 1: live in a world where maybe most of the time,
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  Speaker 1: most of the things that you expect to happen, or
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  Speaker 1: want to happen, or are comfortable happening. Maybe that's where
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  Speaker 1: you live. Probably not, but maybe, but even nonetheless, there
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  Speaker 1: will be a percentage of your life where the reality
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  Speaker 1: stick is going to smash you over the head with
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  Speaker 1: something you didn't want, you don't understand, you didn't negotiate
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  Speaker 1: or see coming. And in the middle of all of that,
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  Speaker 1: you need to figure out how you're going to move forward.
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  Speaker 1: And so I think the idea year of intentionally putting
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  Speaker 1: ourselves in different situations, having new experiences, getting out of
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  Speaker 1: our very very familiar groundhog day, our holding pattern of behavior,
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  Speaker 1: stepping out of our normal to do things that are
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  Speaker 1: somewhat atypical for us, something that we're not good at,
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  Speaker 1: something that we're not comfortable in the middle of, something
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  Speaker 1: where what we're doing is is unfamiliar and uncertain, to
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  Speaker 1: deal with that, to navigate that, and one of the
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  Speaker 1: many byproducts by the way, we might learn something fucking
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  Speaker 1: amazing and we might have a light bulb experience, by
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  Speaker 1: the way, But one of the many benefits of that
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  Speaker 1: is that now we develop that capacity for being adaptable
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  Speaker 1: because life requires us to adapt. In fact, how humans
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  Speaker 1: got here, of course, over the evolutionary timeline. You consider
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  Speaker 1: how small and weak we are compared to many animals
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  Speaker 1: in the animal kingdom. We're just another animal. We think
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  Speaker 1: we're smarter. That's fucking debatable. All the dumb shit that
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  Speaker 1: we do as a species to ourselves and to each other.
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  Speaker 1: So that's another podcast. Maybe the dumber species in some ways,
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  Speaker 1: but anyway, but being able to, over our evolutionary timeline
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  Speaker 1: get where we got. Three hundred thousand years or so,
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  Speaker 1: we've been around and here we are built everything that
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  Speaker 1: we've built with this somewhat phenomenal brain of ours, and
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  Speaker 1: so we have adapted and not just survived, but thrived
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  Speaker 1: for millennia. And we're going to continue to, hopefully unless
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  Speaker 1: we kill ourselves. That's another podcast. All right, let's do
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  Speaker 1: a couple more. I like this one. So another one
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  Speaker 1: of my non negotiables is not to be the excuse maker,
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  Speaker 1: not to be the rationalizer, the justifier or the blamer,
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  Speaker 1: and to maximize what I have to work with, but
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  Speaker 1: to be totally accountable for, responsible for, and take ownership
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  Speaker 1: of what I do. To take ownership of my choices,
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  Speaker 1: my behaviors, my responses, my reactions, and my outcomes. To
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  Speaker 1: be the author of my own story. To live consciously,
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  Speaker 1: to consciously write my story rather than unconsciously be a
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: passenger in a story that my situation or circumstance is
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: writing for me, or, in the case of some people,
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  Speaker 1: to be an unconscious passenger in someone else's story. My
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  Speaker 1: next one is to recognize, acknowledge, own up to, and
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  Speaker 1: work on my personal shortcomings without beating myself up, without
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  Speaker 1: opening the self loathing door that doesn't serve anyone. And
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  Speaker 1: for me to be and I try very hard to
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  Speaker 1: be this and do this, to be publicly authentic about
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  Speaker 1: my flaws, my mistakes, my fuck ups, my failures first
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  Speaker 1: my personal challenges, and so that we can simultaneously, you
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  Speaker 1: and I can simultaneous simultaneously acknowledge the things that we
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: haven't done well or don't do well while still intentionally
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: developing who we are and how we are through courage
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: and conscious effort. Recognizing our issues, recognizing our own limitations
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: and shortcomings is of little value if we're not then
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: doing something positive to address all those things. All right,
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: So we'll do one more. And this is a bit
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: feel good and fluffy, but it's true and for me
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: it's very important. And my last one for this episode anyway,
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: is to live my life from a platform of love.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: And by love I mean any form of or any
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: expression of love. By that, you know, kindness, tolerance, generosity, service, humility,
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: you know, investing quality time in people, patience, you know,
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: to be for me to be a positive force in
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: the life of others. And you know, sometimes that that
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: love is just listening to someone. Sometimes it's doing something
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: practical for them. Sometimes it's giving someone a hug. Sometimes
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: it's donating a few dollars here or there. Sometimes it's
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: you know, I don't mean this to sound good or bad,
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: but last week I did two gigs for an organization,
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: which good organization, really good, really good program that they
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: were running, and I decided it would be a good
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: use of my time for me and hopefully for them
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: to donate me to them, so to speak. And I
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: do that because I think that is the right thing
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: to do. I think that is a way of me
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: demonstrating and expressing and serving through love. And I know
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: that when my intention I don't always nail it, obviously,
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: but when my intention is to come from a place
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: of kindness and tolerance and service and generosity and love,
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: broadly speaking, I'm a better person for me, and as
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: I said earlier in the show, I'm a better person
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: to be around, all right. So some of those might
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: resonate with you or not, but you get the idea.
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: I think it's really important that you know in the
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: same kind of conversation as what are my values, our values,
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: and our non negotiables, they're probably first cousins or maybe
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: even siblings for you to think about, what are the
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: things that for you, based on who you want to
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: be and how you want to be, what are the
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: things that for you day to day should be non
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: negotiable that is just interwoven into who you are and
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: how you are and what you do. Not the thing
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: that you do when you're pumped or excited or in
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: the zone, but the thing that is now part of
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: the fabric of your day to day operating system. See
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: you next time.