Latest / IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective / Stop Waiting for the “Better Version” of Your Teen

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Stop Waiting for the “Better Version” of Your Teen · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:17
  Ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:22
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:36
  Speaker: Today, we are going to be talking about how your teen wants to connect, maybe just not the way that you think.
• 0:47
  Speaker: And a lot of parents actually, they make the mistake of thinking,"Man, my teen wants nothing to do with me." In fact, if you're like a lot of parents, you might think that your teen is just like a porcupine and just wants you to stay as far away as possible.
• 1:05
  Speaker: Maybe your teen stays in their room, or constantly has headphones on, or gives you one-word answers, or even worse, three-letter answers like IDK.
• 1:17
  Speaker: Maybe he would rather play video games, talk to his friends, or stare at his phone than sit down and have a conversation with you.
• 1:25
  Speaker: And after getting rejected enough times, you might start thinking,"Fine, if he doesn't want a relationship with me, I'm not gonna keep trying." But I don't believe that your teen wants nothing to do with you.
• 1:40
  Speaker: I believe your teen wants you to connect with him.
• 1:45
  Speaker: The problem is, a lot of parents are trying to connect with a version of their teen that does not actually exist.
• 1:52
  Speaker: They're waiting for the clean room version, the mo-motivated version, the respectful version, the version who gets off the game the first time he's asked, or maybe the version that gets straight As, or maybe the version of your teenager who tells you all about his day, listens to your advice and says,"Thanks, Mom.
• 2:13
  Speaker: That was really helpful." And until that version shows up, your connection with your teen keeps on being delayed.
• 2:21
  Speaker: In this episode, I wanna show you why trying to improve your teen before connecting with him usually makes both problems worse.
• 2:30
  Speaker: I'll show you how to connect with your teen right where he is without becoming a doormat, without ignoring responsibilities, or letting him play video games all day long.
• 2:44
  Speaker: Because connection does not mean giving in, it means seeing the teen who is already standing in front of you.
• 2:52
  Speaker: And near the end, I will give you one simple question you can ask yourself that will quickly show you whether you are connecting with your real teen or waiting for the teen of your dreams to show up.
• 3:07
  Speaker: So let's start with an example.
• 3:10
  Speaker: Maybe your teen's room is a mess.
• 3:14
  Speaker: Believe me, I have seen messy teens' rooms.
• 3:17
  Speaker: I struggled keeping my room clean as a teenager.
• 3:20
  Speaker: Maybe there's clothes on the floor, dirty dishes on the desk, food wrappers under the bed.
• 3:25
  Speaker: Maybe there's a smell coming from the room that you can't quite identify, and every time you walk past the door, you get irritated.
• 3:35
  Speaker: You might think,"If he would just clean his room, we would not have to fight so much," or,"If he respected me, he would take care of his stuff," or,"If he were more responsible, we would have a better relationship." But pay attention to what's happening.
• 3:51
  Speaker: You're not connecting with the teenager that you currently have.
• 3:56
  Speaker: You're trying to get him to become a different teen so that you can feel more connected to him.
• 4:03
  Speaker: You're waiting for the clean room version of your teen.
• 4:06
  Speaker: The problem is that teen does not currently exist.
• 4:10
  Speaker: Maybe he'll learn to keep his room cleaner.
• 4:13
  Speaker: Maybe the two of you can create better expectations.
• 4:17
  Speaker: Maybe you need to set a boundary around dishes, food, laundry, or damage to the house.
• 4:23
  Speaker: I'm not telling you to ignore the room, but the condition of his room does not have to decide whether you are willing to know him.
• 4:33
  Speaker: That is a huge difference.
• 4:35
  Speaker: You can address the messy room and still be interested in your teen.
• 4:41
  Speaker: You can hold a boundary and still enjoy your teen and find ways to connect with him.
• 4:47
  Speaker: You can want something to change without treating him like your relationship is on hold until it happens.
• 4:56
  Speaker: Here is a phrase I want you to remember: Connection cannot only be available to the improved version of your teen.
• 5:05
  Speaker: Because if connection only shows up after obedience, it doesn't feel like connection.
• 5:12
  Speaker: It feels like approval I like to call this conditional connection.
• 5:18
  Speaker: Parents do this in all kinds of ways.
• 5:20
  Speaker: If he would just care more about school, I could relax around him.
• 5:24
  Speaker: If he would get off the games, we could finally spend time together.
• 5:29
  Speaker: If he would stop being so negative, I would enjoy talking to him.
• 5:33
  Speaker: If he would show me some respect, I would want to be around him." On the surface, those thoughts make sense.
• 5:41
  Speaker: It is easier to connect with someone when they're being pleasant.
• 5:44
  Speaker: It is easier to enjoy someone when they're doing what you asked.
• 5:48
  Speaker: But easy connection is not the same thing as strong connection.
• 5:52
  Speaker: Strong connection says,"I see what needs to change, and I still see you.
• 5:59
  Speaker: I don't approve of every choice you make, and I'm still curious about you.
• 6:03
  Speaker: I want to know you better.
• 6:04
  Speaker: I want to understand." It can look like,"Hey, I'm going to hold this boundary, and I'm not going to turn you into the enemy." This is where parents get nervous.
• 6:15
  Speaker: They think,"If I connect with him while he's making bad choices, won't that tell him that his choices are okay?" No.
• 6:22
  Speaker: Connection is not an agreement.
• 6:25
  Speaker: Connection is not permission.
• 6:27
  Speaker: Connection is not the absence of expectations.
• 6:30
  Speaker: You can connect with your teen and still hold the line.
• 6:35
  Speaker: In fact, your teen is much more likely to hear you and to hear your correction when he doesn't feel like correction is the only reason you notice him.
• 6:46
  Speaker: And in a minute, I want to show you what this looks like with video games, because video games is one of the places where parents often destroy connection while trying to create responsibility, especially during summertime.
• 7:03
  Speaker: And the truth is Your teen, they might want connection with you differently, and if you're trying to get compliance when it comes to video games, you might just be destroying the type of connection that they want from you.
• 7:16
  Speaker: So before we get into the gaming, there's another important part to this.
• 7:21
  Speaker: Your teen wanting connection does not mean he wants the connection that you think he should want.
• 7:30
  Speaker: You might want him to sit across from you, look you in the eyes, and tell you everything he's feeling.
• 7:35
  Speaker: He might want to sit next to you in the car while you're both driving, so he doesn't have to look at you without even talking very much.
• 7:44
  Speaker: You might want a deep conversation.
• 7:46
  Speaker: He might wanna show you a funny video.
• 7:48
  Speaker: You might want family dinner.
• 7:50
  Speaker: He might be more willing to talk while you're driving or working in the garage or shooting hoops or getting food.
• 7:59
  Speaker: You might ask,"Hey, how was your day?" And he might say,"Fine." That doesn't always mean he wants nothing to do with you.
• 8:06
  Speaker: Sometimes it means that question feels too broad.
• 8:10
  Speaker: Sometimes it just means he's tired.
• 8:12
  Speaker: Sometimes he doesn't even know how his day was, how he feels.
• 8:16
  Speaker: He doesn't know what to say.
• 8:18
  Speaker: Sometimes he needs 10 quiet minutes before he talks, and sometimes he wants connection, but he doesn't want an interview This is important.
• 8:28
  Speaker: Wanting connection does not always look like wanting conversation, and some teens connect through talking.
• 8:36
  Speaker: I have one mom, she's like,"Man, when me and my teen connect, I can't get him to stop talking." I have other moms that are like,"Man, I can't get two words out of my teen." Some teens connect through doing.
• 8:48
  Speaker: Some connect through humor.
• 8:50
  Speaker: Some connect through music.
• 8:51
  Speaker: Some connect by s- sending you memes from the other side of the house, Some connect by asking you to take them somewhere, and some connect by coming into the kitchen at 10:30 at night and suddenly telling you something important when you were ready to go to bed.
• 9:08
  Speaker: The question is not only,"Why won't my teen connect with me?" A better question might be,"How does my teen already try to connect with me that I might be missing?" That question starts to change things, and the goal is to connect where he already is.
• 9:28
  Speaker: So let's talk about video games.
• 9:30
  Speaker: Maybe your teen loves gaming.
• 9:32
  Speaker: He can play for hours.
• 9:35
  Speaker: He talks to friends through the headset.
• 9:37
  Speaker: He knows every level, character, map, weapon, and update, and meanwhile, you look at the game and see a giant waste of time.
• 9:47
  Speaker: You see unfinished homework, a messy room, a teen who should be outside getting some vitamin D, and every conversation about gaming turns into a fight.
• 9:57
  Speaker: You might say something like,"You have been on that thing all day," to which he says,"No, I haven't." And you say,"Yes, you have." And he says,"You just don't understand." And he's probably right about at least one thing.
• 10:12
  Speaker: You might not understand.
• 10:14
  Speaker: Most parents only get curious about gaming when they are trying to stop it.
• 10:20
  Speaker: They ask questions like,"How much longer are you going to play?
• 10:23
  Speaker: Did you do your homework?
• 10:25
  Speaker: Why can't you do something productive?
• 10:27
  Speaker: What is the point of this game?" These are not really curious questions.
• 10:33
  Speaker: They're actually criticism with a question mark at the end.
• 10:37
  Speaker: What would happen if you became truly curious?
• 10:42
  Speaker: You might ask, What is your favorite game right now?
• 10:45
  Speaker: What do you like about it?
• 10:46
  Speaker: What are you trying to accomplish?
• 10:48
  Speaker: Are you playing with friends or by yourself?
• 10:52
  Speaker: What makes someone good at this game?
• 10:55
  Speaker: What's the most frustrating part?
• 10:57
  Speaker: Who's the funnest person you play with?" You don't have to play the game.
• 11:02
  Speaker: You don't have to love the game.
• 11:04
  Speaker: You don't even have to pretend that unlimited gaming is healthy.
• 11:08
  Speaker: You're simply stepping into your teen's world long enough to understand how he sees things, and that matters because a lot of teens feel like their parents only care about removing the things they enjoy.
• 11:24
  Speaker: Imagine if every time you picked up your phone, watched a show, worked on a hobby, or talked to a friend, someone came over and explained why it was bad for you.
• 11:35
  Speaker: You probably wouldn't feel very connected to that person.
• 11:39
  Speaker: You would feel managed So let's take a minute.
• 11:42
  Speaker: Let's talk about connection and responsibility, because I feel like this is important, and we need to be really clear.
• 11:49
  Speaker: Connecting with your teen around video games does not mean saying, I guess gaming is important to you, so you can play as long as you want." That is not connection.
• 12:00
  Speaker: That is avoiding leadership.
• 12:02
  Speaker: You can understand why gaming matters to your teenager and still create limits.
• 12:08
  Speaker: You can say,"I know you love playing with your friends.
• 12:11
  Speaker: I also know homework and sleep and responsibilities are important.
• 12:16
  Speaker: Let's create a plan that makes room for both." You might think, Hey, this is letting my teen walk all over you," but the truth is, you're actually empowering your teen to start thinking like an adult and to start processing in a healthier way.
• 12:35
  Speaker: And this helps you better understand your teen, where they're coming from, who they are, which helps you connect with your teen where they are as they are.
• 12:46
  Speaker: So here are some questions to help you better do that.
• 12:48
  Speaker: What do you think is a fair amount of gaming on a school night?
• 12:53
  Speaker: Just let your teen wrap his mind around that.
• 12:56
  Speaker: Let him think like an adult.
• 12:58
  Speaker: What responsibilities should be handled before we get on a game?
• 13:03
  Speaker: What time should we turn the game off?
• 13:05
  Speaker: What usually gets in the way of shutting it down?
• 13:08
  Speaker: What do you think should happen if this agreement isn't kept?
• 13:13
  Speaker: Your teen might suggest something ridiculous.
• 13:16
  Speaker: He might say something like,"I think I should play until 2:00 in the morning." Seeking his input doesn't mean that he's now in charge and he gets the final decision.
• 13:27
  Speaker: It means you're treating him like a person involved in this plan instead of a problem that needs to be controlled.
• 13:35
  Speaker: And now you can say,"You know what?
• 13:36
  Speaker: I'm not comfortable with 2:00 in the morning.
• 13:39
  Speaker: Sleep matters, and I'm still responsible for setting limits, but I do want your input.
• 13:44
  Speaker: Let's come up with something we can both live with." That's connection plus responsibility You're not standing outside of his world yelling him to get out.
• 13:57
  Speaker: You're stepping into his world, understanding it, and then leading from there.
• 14:03
  Speaker: I do wanna warn you, be careful with deals.
• 14:06
  Speaker: You might be tempted to say,"Hey, if you clean your room by Saturday, I'll let you stay up three extra hours playing with your friends." There's nothing automatically wrong with creating an agreement around responsibilities and privileges.
• 14:20
  Speaker: Sometimes privileges can be huge motivators, and privileges often need to depend on responsibilities.
• 14:30
  Speaker: But be careful not to turn every moment into a deal.
• 14:34
  Speaker: We don't want this connection to become transactional.
• 14:39
  Speaker: If every conversation sounds like,"Hey, I'll give you what you want if you give me what I want," your relationship is going to take a hit.
• 14:49
  Speaker: It feels like a business transaction.
• 14:51
  Speaker: Sometimes the better approach is,"Hey, I know playing with your friends matters to you.
• 14:57
  Speaker: Let's talk about what needs to happen for that to work in our home." The point is not to buy a clean room with gaming time.
• 15:06
  Speaker: The point is to make expectations clear and to connect privileges to the responsibility.
• 15:13
  Speaker: And connection says,"Hey, I care about you and what matters to you." Leadership says,"And I'm still going to be clear about what matters in our home." You need both.
• 15:26
  Speaker: Connection without responsibility becomes permissive.
• 15:30
  Speaker: Responsibility without connection becomes controlling.
• 15:34
  Speaker: Your teen needs connection and leadership I want you to explore what is it that you're trying to fix?
• 15:43
  Speaker: This is the question that I promised you earlier.
• 15:46
  Speaker: Think about the biggest struggle you and your teen currently have.
• 15:50
  Speaker: Maybe it's gaming, maybe it's school, maybe it's his room, his attitude, friends, motivation.
• 15:57
  Speaker: Now ask yourself,"Am I trying to connect with my teen, or am I trying to fix him so he becomes easier for me to connect with?" Be honest.
• 16:08
  Speaker: When you ask about school, are you interested in what school feels like for him, or are you trying to get his grades up?
• 16:17
  Speaker: When you ask about gaming, are you curious about why he loves it, or are you building a case for why he should stop playing video games?
• 16:26
  Speaker: When you ask about his friends, are you trying to get to know them, or are you doing a background check and making sure they're a good influence instead of a bad influence?
• 16:37
  Speaker: When you invite your teen to do something, are you inviting him because you want to spend time with him, or are you testing whether or not he cares about the family?
• 16:47
  Speaker: Teens can feel the difference.
• 16:49
  Speaker: They know when your curiosity has an agenda.
• 16:53
  Speaker: They know when a conversation is secretly correction.
• 16:58
  Speaker: They know when your invitation is really a test.
• 17:02
  Speaker: And when connection feels like a trap, teens stop walking into that trap So start smaller I would really explore.
• 17:11
  Speaker: What do you want to do?
• 17:13
  Speaker: Sometimes we wanna tackle the big, huge thing, like,"Clean your room before Saturday," or,"Let's just cut out video games." Honestly, you should probably start smaller than you think.
• 17:25
  Speaker: Don't decide that you need to have one giant, deep conversation with your teen.
• 17:29
  Speaker: Don't sit him down and say,"Hey, we need to improve our relationship." That sentence alone is probably gonna scare the crap out of him and make him wanna run away.
• 17:38
  Speaker: Find one small way to enter his world.
• 17:42
  Speaker: Watch the video he sends you.
• 17:44
  Speaker: Ask him to explain part of the game.
• 17:46
  Speaker: Let him choose the music in the car.
• 17:48
  Speaker: Ask him where he would want to eat.
• 17:51
  Speaker: Sit nearby without playing 20 questions.
• 17:55
  Speaker: Invite him to go get a drink.
• 17:57
  Speaker: Ask for his opinion about something you're actually willing to hear his opinion about.
• 18:02
  Speaker: And when he shares something, resist the urge of turning it into a lecture.
• 18:08
  Speaker: Sometimes teens say,"This teacher is stupid," and the parent immediately responds with,"You should not talk about your teacher that way.
• 18:17
  Speaker: Maybe if you paid attention..." Connection is gone in that moment.
• 18:21
  Speaker: You don't have to agree that the teacher is stupid.
• 18:25
  Speaker: You could say,"Sounds like you were really frustrated.
• 18:28
  Speaker: Tell me what happened." That keeps the door open.
• 18:32
  Speaker: There might be time for guidance.
• 18:34
  Speaker: There may be time for responsibility, but you don't have to teach the lesson in the first five seconds.
• 18:40
  Speaker: Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is understand before you correct.
• 18:46
  Speaker: And when your teen rejects you, that's just part of being a teenager.
• 18:51
  Speaker: That's just part of being a parent.
• 18:53
  Speaker: Now, you might try all these things that we've talked about, and your teen might be like,"I don't want anything to do with you." They might actually tell you,"I don't want anything to do with you." You could ask about the game, and he might say,"Why do you care?" You can invite him to get food, and he might say no.
• 19:08
  Speaker: But the truth is, your teen still wants you to connect with him.
• 19:15
  Speaker: Don't make one rejection mean that he doesn't want you.
• 19:18
  Speaker: Teens often just try and protect themselves.
• 19:21
  Speaker: He might just wanna look cool.
• 19:23
  Speaker: He might just not be interested in that one thing.
• 19:26
  Speaker: They may think that you're about to use this conversation against them.
• 19:31
  Speaker: Connection is an invitation.
• 19:34
  Speaker: It's not something you force.
• 19:36
  Speaker: You can say,"Okay, the invitation is still open." You can keep showing interest without becoming needy.
• 19:43
  Speaker: You can keep being available without chasing him around the house, and you can keep creating small moments without demanding- that each moment become meaningful.
• 19:53
  Speaker: Strong connection is usually built in ordinary moments.
• 19:58
  Speaker: Not one big perfect conversation, not one big family activity, or one perfect speech or lecture.
• 20:06
  Speaker: Instead, it's the small moments repeated over time.
• 20:09
  Speaker: So here's what I want you to do this week.
• 20:12
  Speaker: Choose one thing your teen already enjoys, not something you wish he enjoyed and not something you think he should enjoy.
• 20:20
  Speaker: Something he actually enjoys right now, whether it be gaming, music, sports, food, cars, shoes, working out, a show, whatever.
• 20:29
  Speaker: Ask him one real question about it, a question you don't already know the answer to, then listen.
• 20:36
  Speaker: Don't correct, don't turn it into a rule, don't use it to lead into a lecture.
• 20:42
  Speaker: Just listen.
• 20:43
  Speaker: Your goal is not to prove that you are interested.
• 20:46
  Speaker: Your goal is to be interested.
• 20:50
  Speaker: And later, when you need to talk about responsibilities, limits, or expectations, you can do that too, because connecting with your teen doesn't mean you stop being a parent.
• 21:01
  Speaker: It means you stop asking your teen to become someone else before you are willing to connect with him Your teen might not say it.
• 21:09
  Speaker: He might not show it in the way you expect.
• 21:11
  Speaker: He might roll his eyes when you ask questions.
• 21:14
  Speaker: But I believe your teen wants you to connect with him, not just when his room's clean, not just when he's getting good grades or he's doing what you ask.
• 21:23
  Speaker: He wants to know that you see him and that you care.
• 21:27
  Speaker: And the hard truth is that many parents are so focused on improving their teen that they've stopped getting to know them.
• 21:35
  Speaker: You can address this problem.
• 21:37
  Speaker: You can still hold boundaries.
• 21:39
  Speaker: You can connect privileges to responsibilities, and you can do all of that without making your teen feel like he has to be a different person to have a relationship with you.
• 21:50
  Speaker: Connect with the teen you have.
• 21:52
  Speaker: Connect with your teen right now, right where he is, right as he is.
• 21:56
  Speaker: Love that version of your teen.
• 21:59
  Speaker: Lead that version of your teen, and let the growth happen from there.
• 22:04
  Speaker: And if this episode hit home, I want you to take my free Parent Trap quiz.
• 22:09
  Speaker: This quiz will help you see the pattern you are most likely to fall into when your teen pulls away, pushes back, or doesn't meet your expectations.
• 22:17
  Speaker: Maybe you try harder to control him.
• 22:20
  Speaker: Maybe you avoid conflict, and you just let your teen walk all over you.
• 22:25
  Speaker: Or maybe you feel lost and bounce between those two different things.
• 22:31
  Speaker: The quiz will take you less than 90 seconds, and it will help you understand what is getting in the way of the relationship you want.
• 22:38
  Speaker: Go to You don't have to wait for your teen to change first.
• 22:45
  Speaker: You can begin creating connection right now, right where he is.
• 22:51
  Speaker: I'll see you next week