Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban and Conscious Uncoupling

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Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban and Conscious Uncoupling · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage, these are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm going to open with something that's been everywhere lately, and that is Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: I posted on social media about how it is my belief that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban's relationship is actually none of our business.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Even if they're separated, even if they choose to divorce.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: The media and the collective we are already making this into something that's going to be high conflict, it's going to be destructive, it's all about money, assets, and division of the properties they own.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's also chat around how you know they've put themselves out there publicly, they've made money off their relationship, therefore, you know, it's okay for us to be invested in their story.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: But mostly what I'm seeing, what I'm trying to avoid seeing, I should say, in the media is how it's going to be high conflict, right?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: But what if it isn't?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: What if it isn't high conflict?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: What if it's an unraveling?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: What if it's a kind, compassionate ending of something that was complex but had beauty and nuance and lasted almost 20 years and produced two children who are now young adults?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: What if it's a calm, collaborative reorganization of a family?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine that.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: And even if it's not, their personal story is actually none of our business.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Their story is theirs, not ours.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Separation, divorce, and reorganising a family afterwards is deeply personal.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's a human, emotional experience that happens to have legal and financial implications with flow-on effects for other people, friends, extended family, and children.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: And even if you choose it, it is hard and it is heartbreaking.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why kindness, compassion, and aligned strategically chosen support matters so much.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: But so does privacy, so does confidentiality, so does having a super safe space to land and to unravel and unpack everything that you're gonna need to unravel and unpack.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard, it's messy, it's raw, and it's nobody else's business.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you are Nicole, I was gonna say Nicole Urban, Nicole Kidman, and Keith Urban.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: But this is the part that of divorce that most people don't see, and it's the story about divorce that we don't often hear.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because conflict is clickbait, right?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Conflict, high drama, that's what sells, that's what people want to hear.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: We don't see the side that's not about fighting over assets, fighting in court, that's not about tearing each other down, but about a different story, about how to figure it out together and how to move forward.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why I love working with couples through divorce, through separation, divorce, and organising their family afterwards, reorganizing their family afterwards, because that's the thing, right?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: You're still a family, you're still a family, even though you might live in two separate houses and your children, even if they're young adults, might move back and forth between those two homes.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: I recently finished working with a couple who I'd supported right from the early days of their separation, and at our last session, he said to me, I was terrified that we would never be able to agree.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for showing and guiding us how to do this.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: And she said something like, Now I can actually see and I've experienced how this is going to work for all four of us, two small children, and it feels really manageable, might not feel good at the moment, it's still new, and it's still, you know, the children are still getting used to it, and there are challenges, but it feels like we will be able to do it, and that's the kind of outcome that keeps me doing this work.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I love about it.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm working with both people in a relationship, my role is a little different.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about taking sides, it's about helping them to get on the same page, it's about helping both of them see or create a vision for their life for that, you know, two, five, ten years' time.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: What does life look and feel like?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: You both, if you've got children, you're both still going to be involved in one another's life.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: How do you want that to be?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's about supporting both of them to move through and dial down the big emotions so that constructive communication can actually happen.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: It is about supporting that constructive communication individually and together.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's about empowering each of them to really identify and be clear on wants and needs and knowing the difference, but also being able to ask that for that and put it on the table and then to listen to the other one.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's about exploring options and possibilities and ways to move forward that they might not find on their own.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's about creative outcomes and creative ways to move forward together and separately.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: It is really about making sure both voices are equally heard and equally valued because each person, each part of a couple brings their unique experience, their unique understanding, and their unique wisdom, right?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: So making sure both voices are heard.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's also about stripping away judgment, fear, blame, shame, so that they can have those constructive commun conversations and they can see clearly different options, different pathways.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because the thing I always say to couples or even individual clients, you know your family best.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: You both know your kids, your circumstances, your wants, your needs, which means you are actually capable with the right support, with the right guidance, with the right professional team around you, you can actually co-create the best outcome for yourselves.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: My job then becomes about guiding, facilitating, and holding space where those conversations are able to be had, each is able to be heard, each is able to share, and resolution then becomes possible, right?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that resolution isn't the same for every couple, isn't the same for every family, isn't cookie-cutter, it's not that one size fits all, it's something unique to your family that supports everyone in it, and also the people around it, extended family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, because divorce impacts everybody and it impacts it has ripple effects that flow out.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can co-create a solution with support, if you can co-create a solution that works for the two of you and for your children, it's going to work for those extended relationships too.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: And this this work matters.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: This matters because too often, like Nicole and Keith, divorce is treated initially as a financial legal transaction first.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's looked at as splitting things out, it's about the money, it's about the law, and it's treated as a human experience or an emotional experience second.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: But if you flip that, if you put the people, the emotions and connection first, you can actually change the narrative.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I think everything changes when you come back to these are two people here, two people who once loved one another enough to create a family together, to build a life together.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Put those humans at the center.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now, that doesn't mean it's going to be easy.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I think sometimes this collaborative model that I work within, the collaborative framework that we work in, is actually more difficult.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's easy to point the finger, right?
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Blame angry, blame the other person, get angry, be revengeful.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not always the easiest path, and it doesn't necessarily mean it's not going to hurt, because it will.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: An uncoupling model can work.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: So come with curiosity.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Know that respectful communication is possible even if you don't like each other right now, even if communication has been fraught, and you know, you're getting you're separating, you're getting divorced for good reason.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna say that a breakdown in the way you communicate or the way you manage conflict is probably part of it.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: So you do need support, but respectful, future-focused conversation and communication is possible.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Do get aligned support early, and I've said it many times, and if you've listened to the podcast, you would have heard me say it many times.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: The way you start on your separation and ultimately divorce pathway is really really important.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: If it starts dramatically, explosively, it's really hard to come back from.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Not impossible, but it's hard, it's hard work.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: If you can open the conversations, if you can open the communication with kindness, with respect and with care, even love, it tends to, and not always, but it tends to be a gentler, easier, smoother pathway.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you can both commit to dialing down, regulating your nervous system so that you can stay present and future focused in your communications, in your conversations, that is a massive game changer.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce doesn't actually have to destroy a family.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be a win-lose battle, and it can be done differently from what the media would have us believe is the only pathway.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: We don't hear the kinder, more compassionate, gentler stories.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: We don't hear them because they're not newsworthy.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's not news, but anyway, you know what I mean.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's not click it's not clickbait-y enough.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: The kind way through divorce happens, I believe, more than we realise.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: We just don't hear about it.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want this for your family, a kinder, calmer, more future-focused way, know that it is possible.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you'd rather not see that other person ever again, even if communication is fraught, you need the right support.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: So let's have a chat, book in a time, and we can talk about how that might look for you and your family.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, even in those hard moments, if you can stay present and mindful about how you communicate with the other person, if you can remain future focused, how do you want this to look and feel in two, five, ten years' time?
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you can build your support network around you, both paid and unpaid, to scaffold and guide both of you through it, it is possible to do the Gwyneth Chris conscious uncoupling thing.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: It is possible to move through the conflict, find a way through it that does not destroy everything.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: Again, if this is something you'd like to explore for your family, please reach out.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: Let's have an introductory chat about how it could look for you as you unravel and uncouple and reorganise your family.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: Until then