Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / King of One-Liners | Andy Huggins | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁

Transcript

King of One-Liners | Andy Huggins | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: I uh started walking towards the stage three comics ago.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: Forty years ago, when I started doing stand-up, everyone told me it was a great way to meet women.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: We'll see.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: I joined a dating site for people my age called Carbon Dating.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: I uh asked a woman on the site for her number.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: She told me it was one hundred forty over ninety-five.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: The great thing about dating a woman my own age, I don't worry about meeting her parents.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: Before I got my hearing aids, my crowd work, was terrible.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: I asked an audience member where he was from.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: He said, My mama, I heard Miami and said I'd been there.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Recently, my Uber driver was from Egypt, and when I got into his car, he was talking over a phone in Arabic, only I didn't see any device, so I thought he was talking to me using syllables I didn't recognize.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought, so, this is what a stroke is like.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: I've become clumsy in old age.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody ever drop their phone in the toilet?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: There you go.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: I did, and after I did, I put my phone in a bag of rice.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody ever drop a bag of rice in the toilet?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: I took a quiz on Facebook called What's Your Spirit Animal?
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: I got extinct.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: I had a colonoscopy, and when it was over, they said, We'll see you in ten years, and I thought, but fuck you well.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: I uh tried using that face aging app.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: They said, nah, you're good.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a gamer, do we have any gamers?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: What's your game?
• 3:05
  unknown: Rocket League.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry?
• 3:06
  unknown: Rocket League.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: Rocket League.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: Tic tac-toe.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes till seven o'clock at night.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: Walking can be difficult for me at times.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: I do worry about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: I also worry about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: I uh used to smoke cigarettes.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: I was a heavy smoker.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: I would even smoke when I went jogging, which is stupid, of course.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: So I quit jogging.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: I love smoking cigarettes.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'd smoke after sex, I'd smoke during sex.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I would skip sex and just smoke cigarettes.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm officially an old man.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: I give unwanted advice to total strangers.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: I told the kid to pull his pants up, his underwear was showing.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: He mocked me, tried to give me a wedgie, but the joke was on him.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: I was wearing the pins.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: I got a brochure in the mail for a prepaid cremation.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, it's a great deal.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: If you die in a fire, if you die in a fire, you get half your money back.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: Thinking of getting a tattoo?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just not sure what kind of want to get yet.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm thinking maybe barbed wire, a skull, my home address.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Stuff getting older.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Went into an antique store, they wouldn't let me leave.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: Looked up, saw that light, started to walk towards it.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: I asked Siri a question about my life expectancy, and she changed the subject.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: There's some advantages to being my age.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: Frequently people will stand and offer me their seat, which is great on the bus, a little creepy in the men's room.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm from uh Houston, Texas, and I can now ride the city buses of Houston for free, which is great news for the women of Houston.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: I can be anywhere in four and a half hours.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: I thought I had arthritis.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: I don't.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: I have early onset rigor mortis.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: A friend asked me if I wanted to participate in the adopt a grandparent program.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: I said, sure.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Now I have a 95-year-old man on my hands.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: I uh I'd love to be a grandfather, but I don't even have children.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: I need to get busy.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Ladies, if you're ever in Houston, I can be anywhere in four and a half hours.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: Um every time I leave my apartment, I have to go back because I forgot something.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: Tonight I reach for my wallet and went, you know it, I'd forgotten my pants.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: I found this new technique which has improved my memory.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: I quit listening to people.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: So I have less crap to remember.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: I am a recovering alcoholic.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: I have 36 years sobriety.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Well, thank you.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: There were a lot of one night, there were a lot of one-night stands back in the day.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Here's how it would go.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: I would get drunk, meet a woman, go back to my place, have sex, call myself a cab, leave, remember it was my place.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: One night that lady asked me to spank her.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: I asked her why she said I'm into discipline.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: So instead of spanking her, I made her go stand in the corner.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: That was a difficult relationship.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: She had multiple personalities, and I'm bad with names.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: In college, I wrote a paper entitled The History of Public Intoxication in the United States of America from colonial times to early this morning.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: I flunked out of college twice.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: First time because I was a drunk.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: Second time I was sober, but the shit was hard.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: I love drinking during the holidays.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: I get drunk and go trick-or-treating.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: Every holiday I would get drunk and go trick-or-treating.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: I love drinking before a show.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: Not my show, Good Morning America.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: I got arrested once for drunk driving.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: Not only was I drunk, but I'd been smoking hash.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: When I took the breathalyzer test, I inhaled, tried to pass it to the cop.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: YOLO.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: So I was arrested, pled guilty for my community service.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: I left the community.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: I wore a ski mask.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: I am 74 years old.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: Life expectancy for men is seventy-six years.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: Life expectancy for women is eighty-one years.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: I figure if I transition.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you very much.