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Sober Talk SA - Tony F · Sober Talk SA

0:00
Welcome to sober talk. I'm Dennis and I've lived
0:03
experience of alcohol. If you or anyone you know is
0:06
struggling with alcohol, please call Alcoholics Anonymous on
0:10
1300 double 22222 or check out their website on aa.org dot AU.
0:19
I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
0:21
Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
0:24
fellowship of men and women who share their experience,
0:27
strengthen hope with each other. They must solve their come
0:30
problems and help others to recover from alcoholism.
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The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop
0:37
drinking. There are no dues or fees for a
0:40
membership. We are self supporting through
0:41
our own contributions. It is not allied with any sect,
0:45
denomination, politics, organization or institution.
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Does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses or
0:53
oppose any causes. Our primary purpose is stir soap
0:57
and help other Alcoholics achieve sobriety.
1:00
The quality of this audio recording is very low, but it is
1:04
the only way we can present this story and it's important, so PBA
1:08
FM thanks you for being very forgiving.
1:11
Hi, my name is Tony. I'm an alcoholic.
1:14
I must admit I it's never my intention to be an alcoholic and
1:19
I can't say that I'm proud to be 1 about is a fact of life and
1:24
wonder, something that one must live with.
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I don't know exactly at what point in time I lost the control
1:34
over my ability to drink in a social manner, in a proper
1:40
social manner. But it was, as I say in the big
1:44
book, it's a progressive disease and it was a period of time I
1:50
was able to manage it quite well and I enjoyed it and it was a
1:55
good friend and it was good fun in social times and helped me to
2:00
mix and mingle and enjoy the functions, etcetera.
2:05
But over a period of time, I noticed that my drinking I just
2:12
craved to have a little bit more.
2:13
So I went from drinking occasionally to drinking more
2:18
frequently. And gradually I built up to
2:22
daily drinking. And that's when I noticed the
2:27
start to change slightly. It was always drinking was
2:31
always, how would I put it? It was an enjoyable pastime, but
2:37
at some point I seemed to have crossed that line.
2:40
Where? I had the.
2:41
Choice of drinking or not drinking and I just can't
2:47
pinpoint exactly where it was, but I, I think because it is a
2:52
gradual disease and it sneaks up in you it, it just kind of
2:58
sneaked up and overtook me. And I found out that I'd need to
3:00
drink every day. And even drinking every day
3:05
wasn't that bad. But it was the ability over a
3:08
period of time to consume more and more and more.
3:13
And not only that, but it was the fact that I wanted to get to
3:19
that happy place as quickly as possible.
3:22
In the early days that was enjoyable.
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I used to get that happy place. It was nice and slow and steady
3:27
and it built up and it was gradual and lasted quite a long
3:30
time and I enjoyed it. But gradually as the disease
3:35
took hold and unbeknownst to me, and at that time, it was a
3:38
disease, but I just noticed that I wanted to get there quicker
3:43
and, and I did get there quicker.
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I managed to get to that peak very, very quickly by increasing
3:48
the quantity and, and the the strength.
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And once I reached that peak, I found that that peak didn't last
3:56
like it did in the beginning, where it was low, long, and
4:00
enjoyable. And you call that the sweet
4:03
spot? I suppose just for a better want
4:05
of a better word, that sweet spot disappeared very, very
4:09
quickly. I would get to the point of the
4:14
happy spot, but it would last for a very brief period of time.
4:17
Then I would start coming down, so I would drink a bit more to
4:22
help me get back up there. And it never seemed, I could
4:25
never seem to get that feeling of fulfillment or contentment,
4:29
of having enough. It was like a void, A void that
4:33
needed to be filled but was just infinitesimal.
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I just didn't know when to stop. I well, I didn't know when to
4:45
stop. That's not true to consider.
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I didn't know when to stop. I stopped when and I had a
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degree of control, I will admit from from most of my alcoholic
4:55
drinking, I did manage to function on a day-to-day basis.
5:00
I went to work and I went to my gym and I did all the stuff that
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I was meant to do. But in the meantime my health
5:06
was ailing and my memory was going.
5:08
My body was failing bit by bit. I noticed that the shakes and
5:12
the shivers. I was continuously.
5:14
I couldn't remember things. I couldn't remember where I
5:16
popped things and I was overcome.
5:22
I started over getting overcome with panic attacks, which were
5:26
rather unusual for me. But so in when this initially
5:32
started happening, I said to me, I said, well, I'm just not going
5:35
to drink anymore, I'll stop, which I thought would be, yeah,
5:39
a no brainer is how you're not going to drink.
5:42
And yeah, you stop. So I remember the first time I
5:46
tried, it was a Sunday night. I said I'm not drinking Monday
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and I had no intention of drinking Monday.
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And I woke up in the morning and I was a little bit hungover as
5:54
usual, but went to gym and did my workout, got to work.
6:00
And today it progressed, but I noticed that by about 12:00 or
6:05
1:00 that that dedication or commitment to not having a drink
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that day was starting to wilt a little bit.
6:15
I was kind of, it was the cracks were starting to appear because
6:19
I started getting that feeling of it wasn't a craving for the
6:25
alcohol as such. It was more of a craving taste
6:30
in my mouth. It was.
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A feeling that there was something missing that.
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Because of that time of the day, that's what I used to always get
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the feeling of yes, well, it's only another four or five hours
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to go and then I can have a drink.
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And as I've said to share too many times at meetings, it part
6:47
of the fun was it was the looking forward to the drink.
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The drink was it was a reward for a day.
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It was, for want of a better word, it was flag foreplay,
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where one really anticipated before the act and the act of
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kind of consuming or consummation by taking the first
7:12
drink. I was looking forward, but once
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I'd taken that first drink, then that was gone.
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I passed that point. The remorse and the guilt
7:21
started settling in. I started to settle in because I
7:26
hadn't achieved the goal that I achieved.
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I had, I had made for myself that day.
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Secondly, I started feeling that what's wrong with me?
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Why can't I stop? Why am I like, I'm not like you?
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Am I like other people? I'm, I'm different.
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I just this just won't stop. So I I.
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You know, I should be able to stop.
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It's wrong. I'm weak.
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I'm weak. And so then I would say, OK,
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well, I wanted for today. I'll, I'll try it again
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tomorrow. And I tried it again the next
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day and the next day and the next day.
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And I did. I kept trying.
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For many, many. Years and I could just never
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seem to get over the line. And although my life wasn't
8:06
totally unmanageable emotionally, morally,
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spiritually, psychologically, I was.
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I was probably in, probably bankrupt to a certain degree, or
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at least definitely not at my peak.
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To say at the very, very least I was.
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I was. Isolating.
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I didn't. Really want to go anywhere and,
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and it's meant to be said at the meetings many, many times, if
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you're not drinking but you're thinking about drinking, then
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you've got a problem. And I certainly, most certainly
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was thinking about drinking all the time.
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Everything was planned on the basis of how I would drink, what
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I would drink, where I would drink.
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So if we were going out, I would make sure that it was to a place
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that served alcohol. If I was going to visit somebody
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that we were only going to have a couple of drinks.
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I would have some drinks before I got there to ensure that I was
9:09
able to function and just settle on a few till I get back home to
9:12
my little stash that I had hidden somewhere.
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And then that's what I noticed that those behavioral patterns
9:20
start to change. And in doing so, I started to
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lose control. And not just, not just of my
9:29
life and not just of my will or my choice, but I just started to
9:33
lose, lose myself. I became filled with self pity
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and loathing. And I, I wasn't, I wasn't a
9:43
happy person, to say the very least.
9:47
Alcohol was a great friend in the beginning.
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And then for some unknown reason, it turned on me and the
9:55
turn which a viciousness that I had was least expecting, I was
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blindsided by its ability to kind of sneak up on me and
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possess me in a way nothing else ever had.
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I'd always believed that I was strong willed and that I could
10:14
manage things, that I could manage my life, that I could.
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I was orderly, I was disciplined, I was a hard worker
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and I still was. But the one area that I seemed
10:26
to lack and the one area seems the ability to be able to take
10:30
control of my destiny when it came to alcohol.
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And that most certainly hurts because I'd always has been in
10:37
control and to lose control was just devastating.
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So I took the usual path, as we all do.
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I went and seen counsellors and did the right things.
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But unfortunately, I went there for the wrong reasons.
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I went there to be able to justify my drinking and to give
10:55
my wife some comfort in that I was doing something about it.
11:00
But I told the counselor and psychologist that my drinking
11:05
wasn't as bad as it was. I made-up the stories.
11:08
I minimized the drinking and I. Maximized the the daily.
11:13
Pressures I was under and of course naturally I managed to
11:17
convince them that really I was more of a heavy drinker and
11:20
their suggestion was well just change the direction on the way
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home from work because that seems to be habitual from you,
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which I did. But I did find that there are
11:29
other pubs on the way home and regardless of what I did or.
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When I did. It I got back into the old
11:34
routine again and I was back to. Square one, unfortunately.
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Suffice to say that. The real reason was that.
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I didn't really want to stop drinking and that's the reality
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of it, whether I liked it or whether I didn't like it.
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Until I came to or I was knocked to my knees and reached my rock
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bottom, things weren't going to. Change, so I carried.
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On my merry way, and continued to do.
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Some more research and. Justify myself.
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That I was just a heavy drinker and that.
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I was entitled to. A drink after.
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A hard day's work, but ultimately it got to a point
12:18
where things started getting worse.
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My functionality each day was decreasing marginally, was still
12:27
there. I was still able to get.
12:28
To work. And I was still.
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Able to do things that I need. To do, but nevertheless.
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I did notice. A slight deterioration.
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In my capacity to remember. Things and to do you know the
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things? That would be.
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That should have been totally and absolutely done with ease.
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Especially in my line of work, I think part of my problem was
12:49
that I didn't actually want to stop drinking.
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I wanted to find. Reasons for to be able to keep
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on going because. I had this innate fear of my
12:59
life would come to an end, the fun would finish, but the harsh.
13:03
Reality of it. Was the fun had stopped a long,
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long time ago? I know that in the early days I
13:09
used to enjoy myself and it was out when I did drinking and went
13:13
to parties. It was for fun and I could take
13:16
my inhibitions, free them up and and have a great time.
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But as I said before, as it progressed, the nature of the
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disease, it takes over and it starts, it starts feeding on
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your fear and the guilt and the remorse that exists within each
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and every one of us. But it's particularly manifested
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when we drink, drink alcohol. And I found that was my biggest
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problem. I started getting more and more.
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Depressed, I started. Feeling angry with myself.
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And then I needed. To feed that desire with my best
13:47
friend in the bottle and the fossil did give me relief, but
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it only gave me temporary relief.
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It's like putting dust underneath the carpet.
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The dust is always there, it doesn't go away.
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You need to pick it up. But a dust fan and put it in the
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rubbish bin, that was part of my issues.
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I couldn't deal with my problems.
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I didn't want to deal with my problems.
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I wanted them to be sorted out for me.
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I wanted to hide under that mask of alcohol, help me kind of
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escape on a on a daily basis for a period of time.
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But yet I remember when I was going to beach night and I would
14:20
look in that mirror. I was looking at the face.
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The face fulfilled with disappointment, loathing, self
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hate, lack of self worth and a belief that what is wrong with
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you. I used to think in some.
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Ways I was. Almost schizophrenic in nature.
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I had these conversations to myself saying what's wrong with
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you? Why can't you stop?
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Why can't you be like a normal drinker?
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Why can't you used to be a few? But I didn't understand the
14:48
complexities of the disease. I didn't understand the point.
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I got a grip of hold the whole of you that the damage you could
14:55
do. I didn't understand the
14:56
philosophy that the first drink was the one that did the damage.
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I didn't understand the philosophy that you take it one
15:02
day at a time. I had no idea because although I
15:06
knew about alcoholism, I didn't know about those particular
15:10
things. And I know it took a long time
15:13
for me to finally except that I needed help, that I couldn't do
15:18
this on my own. And I had been putting it off
15:20
because I was scared. I was scared of what people
15:23
think. I was scared of what my family
15:25
would think. I was scared of what my
15:26
workmates would think. I was scared about what would
15:29
happen. I was already presuming that the
15:32
worst would happen, that if you didn't drink, how could you
15:34
live? How could you lead a normal
15:36
life? How could you go to a party?
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How could you have a good time? How could you celebrate at a
15:41
wedding or birthdays or baptisms or whatever the case may be in
15:49
any way, shape or form? I felt that if I admitted that I
15:54
was an alcohol that my life was over.
15:56
And that was the sad part about it.
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I didn't know about the program and I didn't know how simple the
16:02
program was. Anyway, as time went on, my
16:07
drinking did progressive, got worse and worse, and although I
16:12
did manage to function, my quality of life was far from
16:15
far, far, far from from happy. Every day was a burden.
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Every day. Was looking forward to.
16:22
Having a train to kind of get. Rid of the.
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The demons within and every night I went to bed with more
16:30
demons added to more demons so and I didn't even sleep
16:34
properly. I was going to bed and I was
16:36
going into I was comatose. I'd sleep for a short period and
16:40
then I'd be wide awake and I was nervous, I was twitching, I was
16:45
nauseous. And then I'd get up and I'd go
16:49
to my gym and go to work and I'd wait for the next fix.
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I couldn't wait for that fix that overwhelming urge.
16:57
And I think the panic attacks eventually really got to me into
17:01
the rooms because I started getting to get it more and more
17:05
frequent. And then I thought I can't do
17:07
this anymore. I can't be scared of my own
17:09
shadow. And I was coming to case I was
17:11
scared of everything and anything and I needed alcohol.
17:16
It's often me and said in the rooms that the alcoholic drinks
17:20
to go to a party where a normal person goes to a party to get
17:24
drunk and. I was that person.
17:26
I had have the drinks before I went to the party and then I
17:30
would sit there like the gentleman pretending to be
17:33
sipping on my wine or sipping on my Scotch or whatever the case
17:36
may be and that I wasn't totally in control.
17:40
But the reality of it was I was the one sitting in the corner.
17:43
I was the one watching and loading other people.
17:45
The fact that they could have fun and they could stop, and
17:48
then when I'd get up to leave and I'd see all those bottles of
17:51
half empty bottles of wine, half.
17:53
Empty. Glasses of wine sitting around
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the tables. I was the one waiting when they
17:57
turned the back and I'd scroll a couple of quick ones before my
18:00
wife wasn't looking or anybody around me wasn't looking.
18:03
I'd take a quick squeak and I'd say, you know, I'd say, how
18:06
could people? How could people?
18:07
Leave alcohol. With their behind, I didn't
18:10
realize I was the one with the major problem.
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I had no idea. I had no idea.
18:15
But eventually, as I said, the panic attacks got to me and I
18:18
decided to make a call to A and I remember that morning I made
18:24
the call and they said to me, you know, try and not drink for
18:28
today and try and get to a meeting tonight.
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And I said, look, I'm sorry, I've got a work meeting tonight.
18:34
I'm not able to go but I'll do my.
18:36
Best. So I went really, really strong
18:39
and I was feeling confident and I managed to get through that
18:43
day and I didn't have a drink. That night was very, very
18:45
different, was pretty much hellish of those I can recall.
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But I managed to get to bed without having a drink and I
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woke up the next morning and. That was the first.
18:54
Time in many, many, many years that I actually.
18:58
Woke up. The following day without
19:00
actually having a drink from the day before.
19:02
And I was very, very proud of myself.
19:04
To a certain degree. You know, and in any case, I did
19:07
what they requested. I said, I went to a meeting the
19:09
following night and I remember going to that meeting and it was
19:12
pitch black. And I parked furthest away from
19:15
the hall. I was worried that somebody that
19:17
might be there, that I might know.
19:19
And I wandered in sheepishly and I've, I've walked into a room
19:22
full of people laughing, having a good time.
19:24
And I was greeted and everybody shook my hand and welcomed me
19:28
and said, there's tea and biscuits in the corner.
19:29
Sit down, relax. And all we can suggest is just
19:34
listen for the differences, listened for the similarities,
19:37
not the difference. I beg your pardon?
19:40
And, and keep coming back. And I thought, well, OK, well, I
19:43
can do that. So I sat down and listened and I
19:47
said a lot of the stories I didn't really relate to because
19:49
some of them are pretty horrific.
19:51
And people have lost a lot of things.
19:52
I've lost families, I've lost relationships, they've lost,
19:55
lost themselves, they've lost everything.
19:58
And I started thinking myself, well, well, OK.
20:00
But I keep coming back. So I kept coming back.
20:02
I can be the next night and the next night.
20:03
And over a period of time, I started to.
20:06
Kind of feel comfortable. I started to be welcomed and I
20:08
had people who want to shake my hand.
20:10
And, you know, I got involved and started talking to people
20:13
and they asked me how much I was drinking.
20:14
And I was open and honest with the men I found.
20:17
For the first time in my life, I found people that I could
20:20
actually tell the truth. I could really tell them the
20:22
truth. And it felt good.
20:25
It felt relief to be able to kind of express how I feel
20:30
openly and honestly without being judged.
20:34
And that was a great bonus. But it did take me a long time,
20:36
I would admit, before I could admit that I was an alcoholic.
20:40
It probably took me 5 or 6 weeks before I sat down.
20:43
And I remember I was asked to share once and, and I, I
20:45
remember sitting there and thinking before I opened and I
20:49
said my name's Tony. And then I went.
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What? Thinking what do I say?
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What do I say? And I said I'm an alcoholic.
20:56
And in some ways it was a total relief.
20:59
It was a kind of a relief to to finally admit it, but for the
21:03
same token, it was probably the scariest time that I can ever
21:08
remember in my life. It was scary for the fact that
21:12
as I said it before, I projected my rest of my life.
21:15
I am not able to drink for the rest of my life now because I
21:17
admit it to something. I've admitted that I'm an
21:19
alcoholic. I'm not allowed to drink
21:21
anymore. So how am I going to live?
21:24
How am I going to have fun? How am I going to enjoy it?
21:27
Little, not even thinking. A game which I said before my
21:32
life, the fun had left my drinking a long time before
21:34
that, a long, long time before that.
21:37
There was no more joy in it. It was a kind of a temporary
21:40
relief, and it was a relief of of the pain and the guilt and
21:44
the remorse and all those sorts of things.
21:46
But it was something that my friend had gone.
21:49
It was gone. I was replaced by somebody I
21:51
didn't know. It was now my enemy, my worst
21:54
enemy. And again, I, I, I kept coming
21:57
back and I kept sharing, I kept listening, but I still had this
22:01
problem with dealing with this concept of never drinking again.
22:04
And then a member said to me, I want you to remember, remember
22:08
what we said to you in the beginning.
22:11
Take it one day at a time, even break it down to an hour, to a
22:16
minute and just survive. You're not drinking for an hour,
22:21
you're not drinking for the next hour, you're not drinking for
22:22
the next two hours, You're not drinking for the next 12 hours,
22:25
24 hours, 48 hours. And before long I had 6-8, ten
22:30
weeks up, then it was 12 weeks, then it was on and on it went.
22:34
And bit by bit I learned to really become part of the
22:40
fellowship. I became I felt I was, I was
22:43
belong to something. And then it was recommended that
22:46
maybe I help with opening up or, or maybe opening up for a bit.
22:49
And I said, OK, so I'd give it a go.
22:51
And, and it was really kind of a thrill to be kind of part of
22:54
being an organization and and doing bits.
22:56
And pieces. And bit by bit, I started
23:01
learning more about myself. I started dealing with my
23:04
emotions because when I came in, my emotions were all covered up.
23:09
I was a dust underneath the carpet.
23:11
It was covered. It was hidden.
23:12
I didn't know how to deal with them, but I was starting to feel
23:15
the sobriety brought this unusual, weird, raw emotions
23:23
came out that I couldn't understand, I couldn't control.
23:26
I had anger. I had anger like I never felt
23:29
before. I had rage bawling with in me
23:33
and it was rage at other people. I I was focused on everything.
23:37
Everything I seen was all about alcohol.
23:39
In the early days was if I seen advertised on TVI looked at the
23:44
pubs, I seen the people in there laughing, I seen them standing
23:46
out the front drinking and I just wanted to hit them.
23:49
I really wanted to hit them. But what I didn't realise was I
23:53
was angry at myself for my inability to be able to control
23:58
my drinking. I was angry that I, I, I wasn't
24:03
like one of them and I could never be like one of them.
24:06
But in that I was starting to face, finally face my own
24:10
demons. I was starting to finally face
24:12
myself and come up to the reality that life's life, life
24:16
is tough on life's terms. And for the first time in many,
24:20
many, many years, I started to face my problems and I started
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to deal with them as they came. I learned how to say sorry.
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I learned. How to be more?
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Patient and tolerance. I learned how to be more
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understanding and bit by bit my life got better.
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Much, much better. We have local meetings for the
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full week in the local area. Monday's gala meeting at 8:00,
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Tuesday's Elizabeth E at 8:00, Wednesday is Elizabeth E at
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8:00, Thursday is 2 Wells at 8:00 and Friday is Salisbury at
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8:00. There's a meeting at Devon Park
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at 12:00 and on Sunday there's a maintenance Salisbury at 7:00
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and many of the meetings in the area.
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For details of your local meetings, please phone 1300
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Double 22222. And once again, if anyone you
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know is struggling with alcohol issues, please call Alcoholics
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Anonymous on 1300 Double 22222. The website isaasa.org dot AU.