Latest / The Habit Lab / Episode 77: Quit Mind Reading (Stop Assuming, Start Asking)

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Episode 77: Quit Mind Reading (Stop Assuming, Start Asking) · The Habit Lab

• 1:08
  Speaker 1: We all have areas in our life we might feel stuck or overwhelmed.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: So join me, jenna Zint, habit Coach, teacher and follower of Jesus, as we go after little bits of better by building offensively small habits that create big impact.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: This is the Habit Lab Podcast.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Habit Lab.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: I'm Jenna Zint.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: Last week we talked about losing your filters and it's like what people say versus what you hear.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: The meaning that you take out of it it's almost like a different definition than what they are and getting better about noticing those.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: This week kind of ties in.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: Initially I was like processing with the Lord and making my outline.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: I had combined it into one episode and then I realized like ah, it's actually two.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: So this one is kind of a similar vein but it's breaking the habit of mind reading.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: So last week was more about what certain phrases I hear most often, so like I miss you.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: It doesn't actually matter necessarily who said it.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: That's what I heard when mind reading.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: To me it's still like a filter that I hear things through, but it's way more.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: It's not like a phrase, it's like the person's energy or their tone or history or that person.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: So it's a lot more situational about the implied meeting than whenever I hear miss you, it equates to this Doesn't matter who's speaking.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: So this episode is breaking the habit of mind reading, because I think it's a filter that causes us.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: It's another filter that we need to ditch and even in the last couple of years the Lord has shown me how much of messes I could have been avoiding, almost like stepping in it, if I had just started with almost this base agreement that I can't know everything in someone's heart, nor can I actually read their mind, and I almost had to start by making a commitment to assume that I don't know everything and I can't get it exactly right.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: So if you can relate to hearing someone's tone or, I think, kind of some common phrases when we're mind reading and maybe, like I want you to introduce the concept so that you can notice how often you do it, it is so prevalent in our culture and I'm not just saying this because I do a lot of coaching, it happens all the time.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: It's actually probably one of the easiest but most sorry.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: One of the most common causes of disconnect is when initially, in whatever happened, some mind reading or assumption and then someone it almost reminds me of a chess game.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: They made an assumption of where they were going to go or what they actually meant.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: And then they responded accordingly.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: And then, based on that, the other person responded and it was like, oh, but I actually, when you get you know, and then it snowballs out of control and then, if you were ever to come circle back and find out, like, oh, actually I thought we were going to have dinner at that point.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: But when I walked into the room and you asked me, where have you been?
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: Or you know how come you're not helping me, I realized, okay, I guess dinner's off the table because she's mad, so better follow whatever she's doing.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: I'm like, why is she mad?
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: Like I told her what I was going to do.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: You know like it's.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: Do you get how?
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: I'm saying that there's an assumption that you know exactly what's happening, and then you respond to the, to the facts that you filled in the blank.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: You, you're responding to what you surmised, which, um, if we don't get good at noticing how often we fill in the blanks with tones, expectations, disappointment, and then we respond.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: For me, the awareness I really had to start with how often I did this.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: I knew some bigger things, like it was more obvious, but I was shocked when I started really going after, noticing how often I would fill in the blank and assume tone, energy, history, word choice, shortness or quickness or slowness of how they delivered something I would just add on layers of meaning beyond what they are actually saying and how often that means that I would then respond differently.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: So maybe I'm going to give you an example maybe someone shorter with their tone.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: This actually happened last night.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: So this is a great example.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: I was helping out with the scenario and it was helping a child with it, and the parent came back later and was like explaining to me and what I would describe if I was trying to just be subjective and not like adding she seemed disappointed, she was kind of energetic, she was short If I started to.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: Because all of our brains do this.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: We try to, like code what's happening, to create safety, because if someone's angry, you're going to want to self-protect or show up differently than someone who's being kind or someone who's inviting you into friendship.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: So like, our brains do this on purpose.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: But I think what has been the growth for me is to notice when I'm filling in blanks in a way, instead of actually pausing and getting clarity.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: So this person was short, telling me how some of my advice had impacted their child and then their child didn't do as well because of it.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: And I was like, oh, she's mad.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: So instantly, outside of the facts she was giving me with her tone, her energy and history.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: I was like she is disappointed in me, she thinks I contributed to her son failing.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: Oh, like I'm going to like I.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: So then I actually, before I noticed that I was mind reading and filling in blanks to her tone and her energy and the history that I have had conversations with this woman.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: I start responding to what I think is happening and what I think she's implying or what I think she means or what she's thinking about me, and I start defending myself about why I had helped her child like that, even though what the consequences of my advice or help were.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: And then all of a sudden I realized again, because it's taken me such a long time to start noticing, like that's my first habit that I'd love for you to walk away with is just noticing how often you mind read, how often you fill in the blanks, how often you assume their energy means this or tone.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: And so I just stopped.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: And it's kind of awkward because when I don't realize I'm doing it, and then I want to imagine, like pulling the e-brake on it, I will stop, because I'm like oh, I'm responding to what I think they did and they're responding to what they think I meant, and this is snowballing out of control.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: I'm going to pause and stop my reading and get some clarity.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: So whenever I notice I'm doing it, then I'm like and this is what I did yesterday, and it's sometimes a little awkward because it's just not socially what people do as much.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: I started to talk and then I realized like, oh, you're assuming she's mad at you.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: Oh, you're assuming you're in trouble.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: Oh, you're assuming she's disappointed because your advice made her son, you know, affected her son in a negative way.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: And then I was responding and then I paused when I realized I was doing it and I was like hey, I was wondering are you disappointed?
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: Because I used to say like, mad, are you mad at me?
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: And maybe with a different friend on edge in a way that they.
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: So I try to find a more vulnerable, softer word.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: Um, because I'm like oh, this is what I'm reading.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: I am reading by her tone, energy and actions that she is disappointed, instead of assuming and then acting and responding accordingly.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: It's like a domino effect.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: I'm going to pause and see if my mind reading is accurate or not.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: Because it's just disappointed, I'm going to show up differently and we can have that conversation, but I'm going to stop just responding.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: And she was like oh, uh, no, no, I'm not.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: And it was like cool because really it's like we both were responding off of each other.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: It was like a chemical reaction.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: So she actually had to take a beat to internally like kind of take her temperature of what she was trying to communicate and what she felt.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: And it was this cool little moment where it was like a helpful reset for both of us.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: And she was like no, I guess actually like the other kids cheated and you gave him the advice to be integrous, and I do, that is the kind of kid I want.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, no, I guess, like I don't think I would have done it differently or something like that.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: And it was so cool.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: And that's when I noticed, stopped myself and then actually vulnerably reflected like I didn't say, which I don't think it's as helpful to be as like I'm feeling defensive because I think you're mad at me.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: Are you mad at me?
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: And you could do that, but instead be like my most simple interruption to like actually get to the root of what I'm responding to, what I'm mind reading, the emotion or situation I think is happening, is I simply like notice it and then ask, hey, I'm, I'm wondering if that hurt your feelings or I'm wondering if I hurt your feelings.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: I actually try to use as vulnerable of words as possible because if I say something like are you mad?
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Versus did I hurt your feelings, if you notice that are you mad, can actually almost like ramp up someone's energy if they are actually mad and make them defensive or like I'm mad, because sometimes it could be literally almost like fuel to the fire where I've tried so learn from my mistakes I've done this long enough put this habit into practice of stopping mind reading and then actually my next step after stopping and noticing is to get clarity to what I think I'm responding to, almost like uncovering what I think is happening, but assuming that I don't know all the facts, assuming the best about them or that maybe, like I had some part to play in it.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: Not using you statements, and, and and even the phrase for me, I'm wondering if is actually probably the second half of me, stop.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: My habit of stopping mind reading is to actually ask plainly, without accusation, because I'm wondering if leaves room for I might be wrong.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: It's not me telling them about them.
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: It's not making assumptions, I'm wondering.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: Means there's room for debate.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: I'm looking for input.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: I might've got this wrong.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: Can you collaborate?
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: Is this what's happening?
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: It's so much softer of a position than you're mad, or why are you mad?
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: Or are you mad?
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: Like all of those things put people more on the defense and the reason I don't want to mind read is because I actually want to protect connection and I realize how often when I make the habit of assuming and reading between the lines and extracting from their energy and tone and history what they actually mean or say or how they think or feel, and actually it requires humility to say I'm wondering if because I'm assuming I don't know everything.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: It's also requires humility when you purposely phrase it to be like did I hurt your feelings or did I miss something, to take the low road of like I'm not tracking or even the did I miss something and it's it's this.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: It's funny Cause I feel a little bit a lot of times if someone is like energetically maybe aggressive or feels like they're quote unquote attacking me, it takes all of the fruits of my spirit to go low, to pause the inner, like the downhill momentum of like, oh, you want to fight, I can fight, I can be sassy, I can be sparky and to actually not partner with that, not partner with matching them or being combative, and actually sometimes I think of it as the humility of like, okay, I'm about to offer a handout and they could or could not respond.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: Well, it's not like everybody responds well.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: There's been times that people have been almost ramped up more in my attempt at being vulnerable and saying I'm wondering if I hurt your feelings or I'm wondering if I missed something and yeah, you miss, you know, whatever.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: But the idea of like I actually don't, it's not about how they respond, it's about who I want to be.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: Ooh, I feel the Jesus on that.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: But I think, like remembering when you're mind reading, it's not about how they respond or how they're showing up, it's about who you want to be.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: And I think we give away our power and actually don't reflect Christ so often in these little tense moments or in relationships, when we simply reflect or let the other person be our standard of how we're going to show up, versus like, oh, actually I'm going to manage me and I always want to show up in tenderness and I always want to show up in humility, even if that's not what they're showing up, because I'm going to control my half of it regardless.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: So, yes, so that is talking about the perspective shift.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: When you choose to not mind read.
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: Mind reading is dangerous because when I assume I know their motives, I'm no longer listening and I'm either waiting for them to stop talking so I can tell my half, or I'm accusing them or I'm making a rebuttal.
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: I just go into defensive mode and I'm not protecting connection because I'm actually on the defense when I'm assuming their motives and some common, like refrains to catch yourself.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: If you are mind readingading, because most people, I would say I'm just going to challenge you in my experience when I'm working with people and pointing out their mind-wading habit that they need to ditch because it's actually making them step in messes that weren't there to begin with because of some assumptions that they're just root rut, whatever the instinctual assumptions, like they don't even realize they're doing it.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: Um, but some common things are.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: I know what they meant I can hear their tone.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: They're like this I know them.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: All of those are you defending, choosing to mind read still, and I think, like there is just this I don't know how to explain it where I just decided to assume or to believe and show up and live my life, where, like I do not know people's motives, I cannot read their mind.
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: Actually, honestly, the fear of the Lord.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: When I, like in the last couple years, when I, you know, when you reflect on the scripture of like the measure that you, you know what is, it Don't be judged or you too will be judged.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: I think I wrote another one that was like the you know the measure that you judge others will be judged by you or the other scripture about only God knows the special matters in people's heart where I'm like I actually literally it is in scripture that I cannot do this and it is not my role and I feel the fear of the Lord when I step into that and feel justified in saying that I am like God because I know the matters of their heart and I know what's in their heart, I'm like nope, that it becomes like almost when I connected those dots heresy to God, not to them.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, when I climb into that judge seat, I'm saying I'm at his level and I know what he has.
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: I know the things he does.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: Sorry, that's what I meant to say.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: I see what he sees.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: And that to me is like that's like what Eve got in trouble for in the garden of Eve when she was like I want to know what you know.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: And this is me saying I know what you know.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: So I'm like, oh, okay, I'm going to get down in that judge seat, because I actually feel like a holy fear of the Lord when I try to climb it up there or say that I am there with him because he's the only one that can live there.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: So I'm like, ooh, am I putting myself at God's level right now?
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: So when I stopped making it about the other person and actually anchored my standard for how I was going to show up to like some of these scriptural truths, I actually feel I feel it right now in the presence of the Lord.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: I became accountable to him and not them.
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: And that is when my standard was like no, I am committed.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: Just kind of like most of you would agree that you're not going to like lying this off the table.
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: You will not do that.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: But then the flip.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: So that's where I've added this Like this is probably the level of seriousness that I take this and of course, I'm not perfect at it, but like being dogmatic about unlearning this mind reading and being committed to reminding myself when my flesh is like you know, you know what she meant I'd be like.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: Like you know, you know what she meant I'd be like.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: No, you don't actually know, because only God could know.
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: Are you saying you're like God, I have to get sassy with my inner sass?
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: And then she says back like no, I guess you're right.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: So reminding yourself like we literally cannot Do.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: We want that role.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: Is that what we're saying?
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'm going to give you back your role, god, and I'm going to stay down here as daughter and on their level with daughter, and not get onto the judge seat.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and even just the invisible dance of disconnect that usually happens with this assumption.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: I respond to what I think they mean and you respond to what you think's in my heart and what they're not saying and what they, and it's just a mess.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, wow, it's actually so simple.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: Like we follow this back.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: Like I said, I would say maybe 30% of conflicts that I hear, maybe more, as I'm thinking about it, in marriage when they sit with us I'm doing one-on-one.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: It started from a miss or some level of assumption off the bat.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: Maybe it wouldn't have cleared the whole thing up.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: But if someone had been humble and asked, or someone had paused the responsive dance to their move, to my move, like again, like that chess game of mind reading assumptions that affect your decision and choice in words, if somebody had stopped that further on and been like pulled the e-brake, like imagining when you're noticing yourself doing it, responding or reacting, what do you think they're saying or what you think you're hearing or what they think about you, if you could actually choose and commit to get out of that and like hey, and instead be like I'm wondering if, like I said, did I hurt your feelings?
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: Or I'm wondering if I missed something.
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: Sometimes that's just my clear, my easiest when I'm like I don't actually understand fully what's happening.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: I'm reading some tone.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: The energy is different than I thought.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: For instance, when I say energy, I mean friendly or aggressive or standoffish.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: That's what I mean by energy, nothing weird.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: But it's different than I had expected when I'd come to the coffee.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: It feels like a little standoffish.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: So, instead of being like, oh, I bet that she talked to Katie and Katie told her this, and I can't believe Katie would tell her that or whatever it could be, and I'm creating this story response, and then I'm showing up differently because I'm reacting.
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: Anyways, it's crazy how often these messes happen from thinking we can mind read, responding and choosing to mimic what we see.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: I'm like what if we actually just got off that train?
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: What if you committed to, whenever you notice, stop not letting yourself respond and actually like plain face, being like hey, call it.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: Calling it into the light, like instead of, what is it like?
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: Breaking up the invisible dance?
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: If they mean this, then I'll mean this.
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: Or if they think this is happening, well, I'll show them.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: That's not what's happening.
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: And it's like wow, wouldn't it be like the devil to have us chasing shadows and hurting each other in it?
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: Like, wow, that's really what happens so often.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: So, just calling it to the light, like hey, did I upset you or did I miss something?
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: I feel it feels different than what we chatted last time, as softly as you can, as much ownership, using I statements and I'm wondering if, and not you and you're angry or you seem weird or off like none of that.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: It invites people to like come into the light and be honest in a way that is it's great, and sometimes it is like I would say 90% of the time it is less harsh or bad or rough, as I thought like wow, she's so mad at me and blah, blah, blah.
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: Like actually maybe she felt a little sad that she didn't get that invite, but then the 70% of her sadness is because she got a call about her dad's health declining.
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: So that actually is a majority of what I'm experiencing right now.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: But I could have if I didn't take a moment and ask.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: I would have left, assuming she was real mad when it was just a bit.
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: So I think if you could walk away with anything one, I'd love for you to start noticing how much you mind read, how much you feel in the blank, how much tone, energy, words you respond to, and then noticing the invisible dance where you respond, if they respond, and then stopping and imagining pulling the e-brake, calling it into the light, putting on any guard or like I don't know.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: I'm imagining someone going into a fight and putting on like brass knuckles and like, okay, we're going to do this.
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: If you're going to show up like that, I'm going to show up like that and actually taking them off and choosing the humility of like, hey, I'm wondering if I missed something.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: Hey, I'm wondering if, like, do I hurt your feelings?
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: And it is different, but the beautiful part of vulnerability and showing them a soft and I actually want to connect with your heart rather than doing that weird thing that we were doing beforehand.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: It's been so good and so helpful and saved me so much wasted energy or responding to things that weren't actually happening or disconnect.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: So that is your habit, practical habit.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: Takeaway from this mind reading episode is pausing and asking am I reacting to their words or my interpretation of their tone, their energy?
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: Am I mind reading?
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: Am I filling in the blanks here?
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: And then getting curious and just simply asking.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: By it, curiosity keeps connection alive.
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: Assumption usually kills it and then protects it and then buries it and hides it.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: It gets weirder as you respond to assumptions and then act and change all the things.
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: So I want you to break the habit of mind reading and actually protect connection by choosing humility.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: It brings clarity, it brings peace.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: Vulnerability strengthens relationships.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: It's actually beautiful.
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: Sometimes there is this moment of reconciliation, like I felt so sad, like yeah, I actually do feel hurt.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: I felt so sad that I didn't get invited.
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: Um, blah, blah, blah.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: And then I could be like, oh, I'm so sorry, I would never want to hurt your feelings.
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: Maybe I add something else, like they don't know that I could only bring three people, cause there's three seats and I thought their daughter had ballet lessons at that time.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: Or maybe I just purposely truly didn't invite them.
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: And I can still be sad.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: I don't have to add that, I don't have to feel ashamed.
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: I can just sit with their sad and then we can be connected and move on past it, versus having this thing spoil and not be talked about and be weird between us.
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: So that would be my call to action is start to notice how much you mind read and fill in the blank To stop it.
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: Remind yourself that it's pretty darn cocky of you if you think you're on the same level as God, being able to read the matters of people's heart and what they really mean and what they really are thinking and what they're really feeling, and if you don't want to have that level of heretical thinking about you being too big for your britches, then great, get off the judge seat, go back to being a son and daughter and plainly ask.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: I am wondering if I hurt your feelings or if I missed something to invite vulnerability and connection, because that's actually where it lives and thrives, and love thrives there.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: So I hope this helps you.
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: If you're looking for any time management help, I have a new course coming out.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: It's like registrations happening like right now, or, if this hit a bell book, a one-on-one coaching with me.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: I'd love to help you walk through it.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: I hope you have a good week everybody.