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Why can't narcissists change? · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on, beautiful people.
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  Today we're going to be answering the question, why
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  can't narcissist change? And this is coming from a self
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  aware narcissist y'all that's been in therapy for seven years.
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  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammond.
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  I'm a diagnosed narcissist and welcome to another episode of
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  The Narcissist Code Mom.
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  So welcome back, folks. Welcome back, welcome back,
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  welcome back. Yes, that's the question of the
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  hour, isn't it? Ordinary question of the hour.
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  That's the question of the year, the question of the the
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  Millennium, the question of the I was going to say century, but
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  centuries are smaller than millennia, so I skipped over
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  one. But that's the question, isn't,
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  isn't it like why can't narcissists change like leads
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  Like just tell us why. Damn it.
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  It's so painful, so stressful dealing with this type of
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  person, so stressful dealing with this type of relation.
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  It's just so stressful. Like I want this person to know
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  what's going on in their heads. I want them to go get help.
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  I want them to be like you or better than you to just help me,
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  please. Why can't they do it?
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  And it sucks y'all. And it's like, say it's going to
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  sound and let me go ahead and let me address the the
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  narcissistic elephant in the room.
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  It's going to sound weird and hypocritical, right?
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  Coming from a diagnosed narcissist, right?
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  That's in therapy, that's working on themselves that a lot
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  of people would consider changed, right?
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  It's going to sound hypocritical coming from me.
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  But this is the only way I know how to spit This, this, this,
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  this, this knowledge, this knowledge, this knowledge fire
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  for you, right? Narcissist can a narcissist
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  change? I you know, for me, I don't even
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  think I've changed. I think that even I've proved it
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  like mentally like I recently, like last year got took another
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  psyche valve and I got re diagnosed with narcissistic
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  personality disorder, general general anxiety disorder and
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  some schizoid traits, right. But like I said, and this after
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  six years, after 5 1/2 years of therapy.
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  So I'm still a narcissist. So have I been able to alter my
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  behaviours be due to therapy, due to a lot of self
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  realization, due to just, I think also getting older as well
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  and just having a more mature mind and being in a different
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  space and time in my life right now.
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  I feel like a lot of that stuff has contributed to me being who
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  I am and where I am. Most narcissist won't do that
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  because it's painful. Why can't they change?
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  Because it's painful. It's easier.
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  Like I'm just, I'll, I'll go over that one later.
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  It's painful to try to change, right?
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  It just is like because going to therapy, like admitting that you
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  have a problem or admitting you have something that you really
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  probably cannot get rid of, a personality disorder like this
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  of this caliber narcissistic personality disorder that I
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  haven't read any literature on a cured case.
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  I've seen stuff on remission. I haven't heard cured or
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  disappeared, right? So it's just, it's, it's hard
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  to, it's just admit that it's painful to admit that something
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  is wrong with you. And I know this for most people
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  in the world, right? This is not just for
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  narcissists. That's for most people in the
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  world. But for narcissists, it's
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  different because like you, you, you, you internally, mentally,
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  you just don't want anything to be wrong with you.
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  You already think, you already think everybody looks at you as
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  a bad person. You already feel like a bad
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  person internally, right? So you try so hard to make the
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  world see you as a good person. You try to do all these good
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  deeds. You try to, you try so hard to
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  protect your reputation, right? But internally, there's always
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  something that makes you feel like you're not doing enough.
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  Internally, there's always something that makes you feel
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  like you could be doing more, right?
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  There's always something that just makes you feel like, hey,
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  you're not doing enough. You can turn it up a notch.
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  You can kick it up a notch, right?
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  So using that, you never satisfied with your growth.
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  You're never satisfied with how you go.
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  You're never satisfied with what you are doing or what you have
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  going on. So it's very tough in these
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  situations to just make that final push to just admit that
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  you have a problem. For me, there was one of the
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  most cathartic experiences of my life was them I am a narcissist.
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  When I first said those words to myself, when my wife had left me
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  back in, this is 7 years ago in 2017, I say those words to
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  myself. I put them in text messages to
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  her. I say yes, I am a narcissist.
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  This makes so much sense to me. For me, in that moment, I was
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  looking for an answer to why I felt different, right?
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  I've been looking for an answer my entire life as to why I felt
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  different and narcissism provided me that answer.
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  So it wasn't, it was difficult for me to admit that I was a
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  narcissist because you can't get rid of it.
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  But it also provided me that you are like, this is what you have
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  going on. You can work on it.
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  You can work on yourself. So for me, it's just like there,
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  I you get, you see that you're a narcissist is right, but then
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  you automatically see that there's no hope.
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  You know what I mean? You're like, damn, I can't
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  change it, but you can go to therapy.
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  I'm gonna go to therapy. Why not let me try therapy?
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  And I've been to therapy since October of 2017, working my
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  therapist. Yesterday I had therapy
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  yesterday, therapist told me she was proud of me.
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  I was like, yay. I just like, see, my therapist
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  said you. You ever imagine when you first
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  sat in here back in October 2017 that your life would be worried?
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  He is right now. Like you've been talking to
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  Congress, you're writing the book, you're running support
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  groups, you know, the biggest narcissism, one of the biggest
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  narcissism creators in the world.
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  But you ever think they would happen?
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  Like, no, I would just want, I wanted to get better so my wife
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  would leave so I can feel better by myself, so I could keep my
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  family together. You know, I just wanted to be
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  and all and all actually, I just actually wanted to be better
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  than my father. I didn't want to be attached to
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  him. I always wanted to be wanted to
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  be better than him in every single way.
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  So that's what I was doing. That's what I had to do to work
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  on myself. But most narcissists will never
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  get there because it's tough. It's painful to see that you're
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  not perfect. It's painful to have this.
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  It's kind of like having a scar that you can't get rid of.
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  Like it's painful to have that you feel like you have scars in
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  your face that you will never ever that everybody can see.
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  So you're trying to cover them up, but it's an internal scar,
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  you see, It's painful. So why can't they change?
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  Because they don't want to admit that they have a problem, You
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  know, why can't they change? It's easier not to let's be
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  real, y'all. It's easier not to change my
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  behaviors. It's easier to just be me and to
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  keep doing the stuff that I've been doing.
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  Why would I like and just be realistic, y'all?
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  Why would I change the behavior that I get rewarded from?
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  You know, why would I do that? Why would I change the behavior
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  that that I get rewarded for? Why?
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  Why would I do that? And then I know, I know people
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  are like, well, Lee, you don't get rewarded like y'all people
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  reward like narcissistic people get rewarded a lot of times for
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  the behaviours that they exhibit.
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  Like people don't leave them. People want to be around them.
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  People, you know, do so much to just keep them in their life.
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  You know, people forgive them. People get over the things that
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  they've done to them. People do so much to keep this
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  person around. Like people narcissism, you
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  don't leave them. So many people don't leave
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  narcissists. So it's just like I get rewarded
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  for these behaviours. It's just like is, is, wow, it's
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  easier to just beat me. It's easier to just keep doing
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  the things that I've been doing. It's got like, this is the stuff
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  I used to tell myself. It's gotten me this far, why
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  would I change it up? That's the competing mindset
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  that I even had when I was in therapy.
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  These behaviors have served me so far in life, have got me this
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  success, have got me a degree, have got me this good job.
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  This I'm doing, I'm doing pretty decently even like years with
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  it, years into my therapy journey, I was doing pretty
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  decently financially and everything like that, right?
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  So I've like these traits have gotten me this far.
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  Why would I want to change stuff up?
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  This served me for this long. It's just easier to be me.
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  I don't have to put any effort into being me.
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  It's easier to replace you if you don't leave me.
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  It's easier for me to replace you a lot of times than it is to
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  work on me and to admit that I have this problem going on.
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  This should be real. So it's easier to remain me.
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  It's easier to be me. It's easier to just stay me and
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  to keep this same, like pretty much what I say for, for lack of
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  a better word, it's easier for me to keep this same energy that
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  I have right now as opposed to altering it in any way to serve
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  anybody other than myself. It's easier like that.
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  And like a lot. Why can't narcissists change
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  some of them? Yeah, again, this is going to
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  sound like me, repeat myself. Some of them just absolutely
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  don't want to being a like I said, some of them don't want to
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  change. Being a malignant narcissist
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  gets some gets a lot of people a lot of attention.
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  There's one of my one of my old best friends.
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  He's absolutely a malignant overt narcissist and gets him a
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  lot of attention. People like being around him in
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  spurts. He's he's changed up friend
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  groups a lot, but people like being around him when they first
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  get around him because he's fun, he's loud, he's boisterous, he's
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  cool as hell. He'll spend money in the club,
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  he'll buy stuff in the club. He'll do that type of stuff,
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  right? He likes doing it.
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  It serves him. So it's just like, why would I
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  want to change behaviors? Did I get rewarded for?
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  I just don't want to change who I am.
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  So why can't they change? So many people are just like,
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  it's doom. It's doom and gloom when it
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  comes to a lot of narcissists, right?
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  It's like it's really is doom and gloom for a lot of
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  narcissistic people and a lot of people don't want to hear that.
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  And I tell people that I'm just like, look, it's not really a
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  whole entire like doom and gloom type of dynamic, but this is how
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  it goes. This is part of the dynamic that
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  so many people face in a lot of these situations.
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  It just, this is what happens to so many people.
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  Like I would rather is, I would rather just stay me, stay with
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  these behaviors than to change who I am because it's hard at
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  y'all. It's hard work to change.
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  I don't say that you'd be like to make people just seem like
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  if, if a narcissist is watching this, it's not worth it.
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  It's just it's hard work and so many people, you have to feel
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  like there's a reward. There's something rewarding on
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  the other side of this dynamic, right?
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  On the other side of the hard work.
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  What's the reward? Because a lot of narcissists
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  don't see a reward for changing, right?
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  Because again, sometimes if, if they just refuse to change, they
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  refuse to go to therapy, if they refuse to work on themselves,
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  the person who's the person who's with them doesn't leave
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  them. So there's no even there's no
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  incentive attached for them to try to change their behaviors at
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  all. You see?
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  So it works that way as well. So there's no incentive.
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  Like there's like, OK, you are you going to leave me if I don't
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  know, I we're a family. I want to keep the family
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  together. Cool.
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  That's it. That's all they needed.
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  That's all they needed to hear. No, so you have to empower
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  yourself in a lot of these situations to be able to just
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  make these moves. Y'all, that's all.
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  Like, I appreciate so many of you.
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  I appreciate so much of what people have going on.
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  I appreciate everything that y'all doing, everything that
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  y'all saying, because at the end of the day, it does empower you.
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  But I was just like, when you're dealing with narcissists, right?
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  A lot of them don't want to change.
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  Yeah, they they need support. They don't feel like people are
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  going to support them. They feel like if I change who I
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  am, people are going to exit out of my life.
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  You know, people are going to leave out of my life.
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  They are afraid to lose what they've established.
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  They're afraid to lose the established life that they have.
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  They're afraid to lose their friends.
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  They're afraid to lose their family.
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  That's one of those are my biggest fears.
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  Before I started working on altering my behaviours, right?
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  People going to, people going to shun me.
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  But you come to realize, and This is why I realized right
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  here is that I don't lose people, that I don't really lose
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  people that are going to be there for me anyway.
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  You know, if people on my healing journey as I'm growing
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  and healing, if you don't want to be around me, that's fine.
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  You don't. You don't have to be here.
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  I'm working on myself for me, right?
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  I work on me. For me.
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  Yes. Everybody around me benefits
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  from it because I'm a better person for it.
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  But I work on myself. It makes me feel better.
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  Y'all, if you go to therapy, my therapist said I'm proud of you.
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  Damn, That's yeah, that's great. I love that.
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  That's reward. The reward is the work.
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  It really is, y'all. So I just feel like narcissists
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  can't change because the most of them don't want to put in the
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  work. They don't want to put in the
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  effort. You have to want to put in the
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  work. You have to want to put in the
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  effort. I promise you it's it's
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  rewarding as hell to do it. If you're a narcissist that's
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  watching it, it's so rewarding to do it.
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  Like yes, it's scary. Yes, it can be painful.
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  Yes, you're going to have some setbacks here and there, but
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  it's so rewarding. I speak and I, I preach it.
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  Ask Ben Taylor reward. He's been rewarded for changing
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  his behaviours. You see what I'm saying?
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  Leon Walker being rewarded for changing his behaviours.
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  Like those are two main, the two main software narcissist that I,
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  I, I deal with. But yeah, they've been rewarded
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  for changing their behaviours. They just have, there's a reward
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  for it. And I, I, I'm like I say about I
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  have a lot of stuff in the works right now, but people trust you
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  more. People want to be around you.
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  So the reason most artists can't change because they don't want
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  to put the work in. They're scared.
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  They just, they're so set in their ways.
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  They think everybody else is out, everybody else is wrong,
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  everybody else is wrong and I'm right.
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  That type of person right there. I'm not telling you to give up
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  on them, but a lot of times you have to accept them for who they
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  are in this space because they're telling you right now
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  I'm not changing who I am. I'm not changing my behaviors.
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  I'm not working on myself really.
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  I don't want to lose my family. Then you have to learn how to
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  outwork around the person that you're dealing with, right?
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  You don't have to learn how to work around them.
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  Anyways, y'all, I know this video went on longer.
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  I just had to get this out of my system.
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  I had wrote it down. I was like, let me get this
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  video out of my system. But anyways, y'all, I still do
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  my zoom coaching my Zoom one O ones, like my zoom one O ones.
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  I've been doing coaching. I they're open to narcissists as
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  well. So if you're a narcissist
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  watching this or a person you think you might be dealing with
• 13:52
  dealing with narcissism, you're my my zoom coaching my Zoom one
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  O ones are available. I've talked to, I've probably
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  talked to a couple 100 narcissists over the last few
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  years, like doing one O ones. It's a bit amazing, but my
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  coaching session are available. Anybody check it out?
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  I have group coaching. I have support groups as well.
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  Subscribe to this channel. You made it this far, you ain't
• 14:10
  subscribe. What you doing y'all?
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  Come on, come on, this is out please.
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  Thank you so much for making it to the end of my video.
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  I am extremely grateful for you. Have no idea.
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  If you haven't already, make sure you go ahead and subscribe
• 14:22
  to the channel helps reach more people and click on the screen
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  to watch another video or to browse through another playlist.
• 14:27
  There's also a link on the screen to check out my courses
• 14:30
  and my support groups to help you heal and understand what
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  you've been through. Thank you so much again.
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  I will see you in the next video.
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  Peace.