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I Am Someone You Know with David Russell Shamszad · The Trauma Therapist

0:00
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Trauma Therapists podcast. My name is Gymick person.
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Speaker 1: I interview incredible people who've dedicated their lives to helping
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Speaker 1: those who've been impacted by trauma. A big thank you
0:11
Speaker 1: to our sponsors and our guests who are supporting this
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Speaker 1: show five four, three, two and one. Our folks, welcome
0:19
Speaker 1: back to the podcast. Very excited to have as my
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Speaker 1: guest today. David Shamzad. David, Welcome, Thank you, thanks for
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Speaker 1: having me awesome. David is an author, entrepreneur, and mental
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Speaker 1: health advocate whose memoir I Am Someone You Know chronicles
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Speaker 1: descent into untreated by polar disorder and alcoholism, and his
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Speaker 1: long road back In his early twenties. Mood swings, addictions,
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Speaker 1: psychiatric hospitalizations, and incarceration unraveled what once looked like a
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Speaker 1: promising life, culminating in profound loss and near surrender. With
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Speaker 1: the support of loved ones and his own relentless resolve,
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Speaker 1: David confronted the darkness he had kept hidden and rebuilt
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Speaker 1: his life. Today, he's a husband, father, and successful entrepreneur
1:03
Speaker 1: and founder of SG real Estate who speaks openly about
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Speaker 1: mental illness, addiction, and recovery, reminding others that healing begins
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Speaker 1: when truth is brought into the light. All right, David, obviously,
1:15
Speaker 1: just a little bit about you before we get go
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Speaker 1: and show with the listeners we're from originally and where
1:20
Speaker 1: you are currently, and we'll dive in.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I was born in Oakland, California, and I'm currently
1:26
Speaker 2: in Berkeley, California, about ten miles away.
1:30
Speaker 1: Okay, nice, that's nice. So how did all this start?
1:36
Speaker 2: Okay, great question, big question? How did it all start?
1:42
Speaker 2: I would say that, you know, it all started when
1:46
Speaker 2: I was a kid growing up. You know, the alcoholism
1:51
Speaker 2: is really president in my family. That's what I grew
1:55
Speaker 2: up around, you know, when my dad was a severe
1:58
Speaker 2: alcoholic until he was got sober in his late forties.
2:05
Speaker 1: But when I was a.
2:06
Speaker 2: Kid, that was what I was exposed to. So there's
2:08
Speaker 2: a lot of trauma in the household. There's a lot
2:09
Speaker 2: of trauma from emotional abuse and occasionally the physical. And
2:17
Speaker 2: you know, that was where I really learned to sort
2:19
Speaker 2: of see drinking as a as a norm, as a
2:22
Speaker 2: habit that you know was available.
2:26
Speaker 1: Was that pardon me, was that abuse towards you and
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Speaker 1: or anyone else or everyone else? Was that abuse that
2:34
Speaker 1: you witnessed no to me.
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Speaker 2: You know, I have me and two sisters, and you know,
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Speaker 2: I think my relationship with my parents was probably the
2:44
Speaker 2: most strained out of out of all of us. I
2:49
Speaker 2: struggled a lot when his kid. I struggled in school,
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Speaker 2: so I'm hard of hearing actually, and uh, school was
2:56
Speaker 2: never like that easy for me, not like necessarily aptitude,
3:01
Speaker 2: I don't think, more like attention and like being able
3:04
Speaker 2: to slip through class and hear what was going on.
3:07
Speaker 2: And I didn't. And so you know, I'm ten years old,
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Speaker 2: and I like just always got distracted and got in
3:11
Speaker 2: trouble for fing around or whatever. So I was always
3:15
Speaker 2: like in trouble at school, and then I was always
3:18
Speaker 2: in trouble at home. And then I was always disappointing
3:20
Speaker 2: my parents, and you know, my dad lashed out at
3:25
Speaker 2: me about that, I think, you know, and then that
3:28
Speaker 2: didn't really help. It sort of just made things worse.
3:31
Speaker 2: And as I got into like eighth grade, like early
3:34
Speaker 2: high school, Yeah, it's like I started drinking and smoking
3:38
Speaker 2: weed like pretty regularly. That kind of that's sort of
3:41
Speaker 2: helped me, Like like, all right, well I got something.
3:45
Speaker 2: You know, I don't really feel shitty when I'm drinking
3:47
Speaker 2: with people or smoking with people, so like that became
3:51
Speaker 2: a habit. But you know, actually everything like really turned
3:57
Speaker 2: around for the positive in high school. Like my dad
3:59
Speaker 2: got sober when I was sophomore, and that like really
4:02
Speaker 2: changed our whole house, right. That was like the you
4:06
Speaker 2: know when you were just talking about the fog in
4:09
Speaker 2: ben Orgon where you're where you're hanging out, the fog cleared,
4:12
Speaker 2: you know, like in our house and in my mind,
4:14
Speaker 2: our life. I started doing really good at school. I
4:17
Speaker 2: was in this like really unique high school with small
4:20
Speaker 2: classrooms and I could hear and the teachers kind of
4:23
Speaker 2: locked into helping me out. It was great.
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Speaker 1: What school if you don't mind me asking, I used
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Speaker 1: to live in Oakland.
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Speaker 2: And it was it was a school in San Francisco
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Speaker 2: called Urban. The Urban School was about two hundred and
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Speaker 2: fifty kids, and you know they took the time if
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Speaker 2: if kids were working, you know, And so things turned around,
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Speaker 2: and like my dad and my mom are doing so
4:46
Speaker 2: much better. You know, he had like a long way
4:50
Speaker 2: to go. It's not like an overnight thing when you're
4:52
Speaker 2: when you're drinking for decades and repressing emotions. But he
4:57
Speaker 2: was starting that pathway towards his own self improvement. But
5:00
Speaker 2: like the impact on our household was was pretty profound,
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Speaker 2: and like a big a lot of that progress was
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Speaker 2: like pretty felt pretty immediately, you know, coincidence probably not
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Speaker 2: Like I started doing really good and I'm like doing
5:15
Speaker 2: really good in school, and like all of a sudden,
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Speaker 2: I'm feeling it's like very different, and you know, ended
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Speaker 2: up kind of going from like d's and c's and
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Speaker 2: some f's to like straight a's. I got into college.
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Speaker 2: That was great. College is good. And then like the
5:35
Speaker 2: you know, the next like inflection point, I just started,
5:39
Speaker 2: like I just started having mood swings in like in
5:41
Speaker 2: my early twenties.
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Speaker 1: Like maybe I just interrupted for a second. Yeah, I
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Speaker 1: don't know if you noticed, but your change in demeanor
5:50
Speaker 1: from you describing your early childhood to when things shifted
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Speaker 1: from you was remarkable.
6:00
Speaker 2: I don't I don't doubt it.
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Speaker 1: It was remarkable. I don't here to watch you to
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Speaker 1: listen to you start talking about when things shifted for
6:09
Speaker 1: you and when you started doing well. It was really cool.
6:13
Speaker 2: Well, you'll probably detect a few more mood and demeanor
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Speaker 2: swayings throughout this story.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I just want to point out. This is really cool. Yeah, yeah,
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Speaker 1: go ahead.
6:23
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, no, I actually that's a really cool observation.
6:26
Speaker 2: I'm not really aware of that like in the moment,
6:29
Speaker 2: but it makes sense.
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Speaker 1: You know.
6:31
Speaker 2: I associate a lot of positive like memories with that
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Speaker 2: phase after my dad stopped drinking and when I started
6:36
Speaker 2: like getting my own shit together. So you know, college, Okay,
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Speaker 2: So I went to Dartmouth in New Hampshire, another cold
6:46
Speaker 2: place in the in the world. And yeah, it was funny,
6:51
Speaker 2: like I was on the crew team. I was like
6:53
Speaker 2: started off pretty strong, like academically, you know, it's harder
6:57
Speaker 2: than high school. But it was like doing Okay, I
7:02
Speaker 2: in my early twenties, like maybe I'm like a junior,
7:05
Speaker 2: and just things like my mind just started to change.
7:08
Speaker 2: I had like different feelings and different thoughts, and I
7:12
Speaker 2: would like have these mood swings that I had never
7:14
Speaker 2: had before, and and you know, it would be like
7:18
Speaker 2: it would be kind of simple, you know, it would
7:19
Speaker 2: just be like, Okay, today today, getting out of bed
7:25
Speaker 2: feels really really different. Not like I don't want to
7:27
Speaker 2: go to class today, like almost like like I was
7:31
Speaker 2: physically frozen sometimes, you know, or like having a conversation
7:35
Speaker 2: with someone was like not annoying or awkward. It was
7:42
Speaker 2: like again like feeling frozen, like I literally could not
7:47
Speaker 2: like speak some you know, you would just feel like
7:52
Speaker 2: so far away from me. If I was trying to
7:54
Speaker 2: have a conversation begain, I'm like, this is just weird,
7:56
Speaker 2: you know, like I don't know what's going on. But
7:57
Speaker 2: then they're like go away, and you know, I feel great,
8:01
Speaker 2: and like I remember like just some of the ways
8:03
Speaker 2: people just described me was just like very like very excitable,
8:08
Speaker 2: like a level of energy that was just like you know,
8:12
Speaker 2: through the through through the roof sometimes, and like it
8:15
Speaker 2: was just like these up and down things. But I
8:17
Speaker 2: had like no idea, like I never thought about any
8:21
Speaker 2: of that in terms of like health. I just thought
8:24
Speaker 2: of that in terms of like, Okay, well this is
8:25
Speaker 2: what's going on today. I think I'm a little like
8:29
Speaker 2: I'll feel like I'm on an island here. This doesn't
8:31
Speaker 2: seem normal, but like okay, and then I just I
8:34
Speaker 2: took to drinking when when I felt different, like I
8:39
Speaker 2: just took I just took to drinking, and you know,
8:41
Speaker 2: and everybody did, like drinking in college isn't unusual, but
8:44
Speaker 2: the extent to which I was drinking, like the volume,
8:46
Speaker 2: the frequency, but more like the impetus for it, like
8:51
Speaker 2: I felt lost or sad or or having one of
8:55
Speaker 2: those days I described, And that's when drinking was like okay,
8:59
Speaker 2: like this is a safe harbor, all right.
9:02
Speaker 1: Was this year one?
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Speaker 2: No, it's just like a year you know. I think
9:06
Speaker 2: like year three was when I kind of like felt
9:09
Speaker 2: like the gravity of these like emotions and thought.
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Speaker 1: Patterns were really changing. Kind of help.
9:15
Speaker 2: No, man, No, I got you know, I I think
9:19
Speaker 2: things were different then in terms of like resources and education.
9:23
Speaker 2: You know, well I don't think that I know that
9:25
Speaker 2: you know that it's you know, this was like early
9:28
Speaker 2: two thousands, and uh, you know, I I am sure
9:34
Speaker 2: that my school at that time probably did have some resources.
9:38
Speaker 2: There was, there was some student counseling and psych services.
9:42
Speaker 2: There was some resource, but you know, the the level
9:46
Speaker 2: of awareness and education about you know, seeking that out
9:52
Speaker 2: a young person, recognizing like any mental health systems and
9:56
Speaker 2: symptoms and doing anything about it, addiction counseling, like any
10:01
Speaker 2: of those things. They the pathway to those like the
10:05
Speaker 2: number of doors to go through to get there and
10:07
Speaker 2: the amount of comfort that you you would need to
10:09
Speaker 2: go do that was just way different back then. You know,
10:12
Speaker 2: it wasn't like a it which wasn't a culture of like,
10:17
Speaker 2: you know, all right, bros, I'm feeling off today, I'm
10:19
Speaker 2: gonna go see the counselor yeah you have fun at
10:21
Speaker 2: the party.
10:22
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah.
10:22
Speaker 2: It was like that just wasn't a thing that I
10:25
Speaker 2: would do.
10:25
Speaker 1: And it was.
10:27
Speaker 2: You know, shame and stigma, yes, vulnerability being going there. No,
10:35
Speaker 2: but even just awareness that like mental health, like what
10:38
Speaker 2: is mental health? That wasn't in our vocabulary, you know,
10:42
Speaker 2: let alone, Like you know, I'm sure I had heard
10:45
Speaker 2: the term mental illness, right, but like what that meant?
10:48
Speaker 2: Like that seemed very far away. That seemed like a
10:50
Speaker 2: lot of that's I'm just having a bad mood. That
10:53
Speaker 2: can't be what I'm dealing with. So okay, So anyways,
10:57
Speaker 2: so all right, So then I started like drinking a lot?
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Speaker 1: What is it? Lot? What is that? Uh? You know?
11:05
Speaker 2: I drink like to man, I was playing like sometimes
11:11
Speaker 2: like my friends and I talk about the amount that
11:13
Speaker 2: we used to drink, like the volume of it. I
11:17
Speaker 2: have like dozens of drinks in the night I could
11:18
Speaker 2: have like I remember nights where I like I think
11:20
Speaker 2: I had twenty five or thirty beers, you know, not
11:27
Speaker 2: necessarily every time, but like that, that wasn't like that,
11:30
Speaker 2: That wasn't that unusual. You know, those are amounts that
11:33
Speaker 2: now I'm like, oh shit, that could have killed. That
11:36
Speaker 2: kills people. That's that's crazy. But for one, you know,
11:39
Speaker 2: you build up like a pretty wild tolerance when you're
11:44
Speaker 2: doing that regularly. You know, our bodies were a little
11:49
Speaker 2: younger then and could churn through that all faster. But yeah,
11:52
Speaker 2: like really heavy bene drinking. And I describe it like
11:56
Speaker 2: I wasn't drinking to like get a little buzz so
11:59
Speaker 2: I could like have fun, to hang out. It was
12:00
Speaker 2: like drinking to like outrun something very ominous. And the
12:04
Speaker 2: way I was feeling drinking entirely too, to black out
12:09
Speaker 2: and feel nothing at all.
12:12
Speaker 1: And David, during this time or at any time up
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Speaker 1: to this point, was there any was there? And I
12:20
Speaker 1: don't ask this to make a judgment, just curiosity. Was
12:23
Speaker 1: there any awareness or thought like what the fuck is
12:26
Speaker 1: going on? Inside?
12:30
Speaker 2: Not really?
12:31
Speaker 1: But soon so.
12:35
Speaker 2: It fast forward two more years. Okay, so I've like
12:39
Speaker 2: I've got these habits. I know there's something going on
12:41
Speaker 2: in my head a little bit, but I just kind
12:43
Speaker 2: of feel like I'm different. And you know, I've always
12:46
Speaker 2: felt like I'm different, to be honest, like at this point,
12:49
Speaker 2: I grew up like I'm half through runniing. That was different.
12:53
Speaker 2: I was hard of hearing and we're hearing it. When
12:55
Speaker 2: I was a kid, that was different. I knew I
12:57
Speaker 2: was like sensitive and emotional. That is different. I've always
13:00
Speaker 2: felt a little different like it. So it just didn't
13:02
Speaker 2: really like you know whatever. I was just like pushed
13:06
Speaker 2: through it, you know. So, uh, after college, like my
13:10
Speaker 2: first job was it was a youth as a social worker.
13:13
Speaker 2: I was a youth counselor in a residential treatment for juveniles,
13:19
Speaker 2: kids that had been uh in uh incarcerated, like juvenile
13:25
Speaker 2: hall or foster kids. So like sort of like this
13:28
Speaker 2: halfway program. And then like okay, so then I'm like
13:33
Speaker 2: working and you know, job's pretty tough. I'm also like
13:36
Speaker 2: around a lot of trauma, like all of these kids
13:38
Speaker 2: had been I would say the vast majority of these
13:42
Speaker 2: kids had experienced abuse, grown up in households with you know,
13:48
Speaker 2: serious addiction issues. You know, this is a this is
13:52
Speaker 2: an environment that was like exposing you know to a
13:56
Speaker 2: lot of really difficult stuff that these kids have been through. Meanwhile,
13:59
Speaker 2: I'm like those mood swings I described, and those thought
14:02
Speaker 2: patterns I described, they're like they're like getting one hundred
14:06
Speaker 2: times worse they're getting. They're getting so bad to where
14:11
Speaker 2: I'm like, I am starting to feel like what I
14:16
Speaker 2: know now was manic, right, But I didn't know that
14:18
Speaker 2: that's what that was called, but I was. I would
14:22
Speaker 2: have stretches where I was fucking manic like I was.
14:25
Speaker 2: I could the RPMs in my head were so high.
14:29
Speaker 2: I was deliriously happy. Sometimes I was did not need
14:34
Speaker 2: to sleep. I was just running on like a weird
14:39
Speaker 2: battery inside me. I didn't eat that much. It was
14:42
Speaker 2: just like me. It was media. And then a couple
14:47
Speaker 2: of weeks later I could switch into a mood where
14:51
Speaker 2: my own thoughts were terrifying, like an amount of despair
14:56
Speaker 2: that was like crippling. Or I would just be sitting
14:59
Speaker 2: next to like doing my job, like sitting next to
15:02
Speaker 2: some kid, trying to help these kids through whatever, trying
15:05
Speaker 2: to get them to dinner or lunch, and like they're
15:09
Speaker 2: only occupying twenty ten percent of my mind. The other
15:12
Speaker 2: ninety percent is me thinking about to be totally honest,
15:17
Speaker 2: like hurting myself wondering if, like I should be like
15:21
Speaker 2: on this earth, like wondering if in the middle of
15:25
Speaker 2: this conversation, I just go like jump in front of
15:28
Speaker 2: a fucking car coming like it was it was, and
15:32
Speaker 2: I'm thinking about like hurting people, like, oh man, like
15:35
Speaker 2: what what if I'm you know, what if I hurt
15:37
Speaker 2: other people? You know, I'm thinking like terrifying thoughts that
15:42
Speaker 2: I cannot turn off. And I'm like and I just
15:45
Speaker 2: kept going back and forth between these two like things
15:48
Speaker 2: and like believe it or not, like I'm you know,
15:50
Speaker 2: I'm like an educated, smart person, and like I could
15:53
Speaker 2: not make the connection between I could not say, Okay, Dave,
15:59
Speaker 2: you having like this maybe like a medical thing, like
16:01
Speaker 2: this is like a thing you should go to the
16:03
Speaker 2: doctor about. This is like if your arm was broken.
16:05
Speaker 2: This is if you're you got a really bad cough,
16:08
Speaker 2: like whatever I interpret it as. I think I'm losing
16:14
Speaker 2: my mind. I think I'm fucked, and I better figure
16:18
Speaker 2: out how to keep a lid on this. That was
16:20
Speaker 2: like literally my process was, Okay, how do I like
16:23
Speaker 2: make sure no one figures out that I am off
16:26
Speaker 2: the grid? And like I did for a while and
16:30
Speaker 2: I was actually really good at my job, and I
16:32
Speaker 2: was like crushed it at work.
16:34
Speaker 1: And how old were you at this point, David.
16:37
Speaker 2: Twenty three, twenty two, twenty four, like early twenty right
16:41
Speaker 2: out of college, the first three years after college. And
16:44
Speaker 2: I'm like the seams are coming apart inside of me,
16:47
Speaker 2: but I'm not dealing with it at all, you know.
16:50
Speaker 2: I'm actually just drinking a lot and sleeping very little,
16:53
Speaker 2: and that's sort of my my method, right, But then
17:02
Speaker 2: go figure like this all does not sustain, And at
17:06
Speaker 2: one point it's like this is like the worst day
17:10
Speaker 2: of my life to this day, not even close, and
17:12
Speaker 2: I hope it will always be the worst day and
17:13
Speaker 2: I never have a day worse than this. I had
17:15
Speaker 2: been like working for two weeks and you know, because
17:19
Speaker 2: this job is a grind, right, like you would you
17:21
Speaker 2: live there. So it was twenty four hours a day
17:23
Speaker 2: and then like if the schedule was supposed it is
17:25
Speaker 2: kept up, you got two days off, but you didn't
17:27
Speaker 2: always because people quit all the time or whatever. So
17:30
Speaker 2: I had like a two week stretch and I was
17:33
Speaker 2: I was alive, man, I was having a blast, like
17:36
Speaker 2: I had. My kids were doing great. I was like
17:38
Speaker 2: I don't need sleep I can stay up all night
17:40
Speaker 2: and deal with anything. It was I was. I was
17:45
Speaker 2: just flying high man. I was feeling good. I finally
17:47
Speaker 2: got a day off, and I'm like, okay, I'm gonna
17:50
Speaker 2: I have so much energy. You know, I'm gonna go.
17:52
Speaker 2: I'm gonna go for like a fifty mile bike ride.
17:55
Speaker 2: You know, I've got It's the only way I can
17:57
Speaker 2: like drain my battery is just to go like it out.
18:00
Speaker 2: So I go if it's fifty mile bike ride, and
18:02
Speaker 2: I'm and I'm still fired up, like okay, I'm gonna
18:05
Speaker 2: go run. I'm gonna go try to run. I'm go
18:06
Speaker 2: to track and run as fast as I can see
18:08
Speaker 2: if I can do a five minute mile. And after that,
18:12
Speaker 2: I wasn't even done yet. Then I went to the
18:16
Speaker 2: weight room. After that, I'm like, I still have the juice.
18:18
Speaker 2: I need to like burn it out. And I was like,
18:23
Speaker 2: I remember, I remember. It is so long ago, and
18:26
Speaker 2: I can still remember, like the feeling when I got home.
18:30
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, it's quiet. The fucking shrieking volume and
18:36
Speaker 2: noise and rapid fire thoughts in my head have finally subsided.
18:41
Speaker 2: I could just go to sleep. I don't even need
18:43
Speaker 2: to drink drinking, like, help go me go to sleep.
18:46
Speaker 2: I'm like, I don't even need to drink. I can
18:48
Speaker 2: just lie down on the couch and I'll pass out.
18:50
Speaker 2: And I felt in a moment of like serenity. I
18:55
Speaker 2: was like, this is serene, this is great, and I
18:59
Speaker 2: actually thought I had like fixed myself. I'm like, I
19:02
Speaker 2: fixed it. I fixed it. I'm good to go, and
19:05
Speaker 2: like I woke up, you know, the sun came through
19:09
Speaker 2: the like hit my eyes and I woke up, opened
19:13
Speaker 2: my eyes within thirty seconds. I knew that this was
19:17
Speaker 2: the worst, most terrifying, scary episode that I had ever had.
19:27
Speaker 2: This was this was the worst what. I didn't call
19:30
Speaker 2: it an episode then, I just thought it was I
19:32
Speaker 2: don't know, it was like a mood. I knew this
19:36
Speaker 2: was worse than anything I had felt. I was terrified.
19:38
Speaker 2: My mind was racing. I had no ability to It
19:43
Speaker 2: was painful, like like the like the mental anguish was
19:47
Speaker 2: actually painful. And I felt like I was on fire
19:51
Speaker 2: and I couldn't put myself out. And I finally, you know,
19:56
Speaker 2: I get up and I'm like, I'm like, I gotta somebody, man,
20:00
Speaker 2: I gotta find someone fast, Like I find alone. I
20:02
Speaker 2: can't be alone right now. This is terrifying. I need
20:04
Speaker 2: to like get into reality and have another human being
20:07
Speaker 2: next to me. And I find like I find my boss,
20:11
Speaker 2: you know, and I'm like, he's like, hey, you know what,
20:13
Speaker 2: like welcome back from the weekend, and I'm like, I
20:16
Speaker 2: couldn't even talk. I'm just like crying, and he's immediately
20:20
Speaker 2: he knew something was up. So he goes and gets
20:23
Speaker 2: the counselor, because there's a counselor that works there too,
20:25
Speaker 2: like a real clinical psychologist. He's for the kids, not
20:28
Speaker 2: for the staff, right, And he's like, let me go
20:31
Speaker 2: get Mike. You need to talk to someone. And I'm
20:34
Speaker 2: not qualified, right, So he goes and he leaves his
20:38
Speaker 2: office and I'm like I couldn't sit there alone, so
20:40
Speaker 2: I go and like I wander off and end up
20:44
Speaker 2: like in an area of the facility by myself, and
20:49
Speaker 2: like I don't.
20:52
Speaker 1: I don't.
20:56
Speaker 2: The way I just can, the way I can put
20:57
Speaker 2: this into words is not like as simple as black
21:03
Speaker 2: and white. I want to die and I never want
21:06
Speaker 2: to see another day again. The way I would describe
21:09
Speaker 2: it is I'm in like a burning building and it's
21:14
Speaker 2: going to burn me alive. So maybe it's better to
21:17
Speaker 2: jump out of the window. And that's how I felt.
21:20
Speaker 2: I'm like, I think one more day of this, well,
21:24
Speaker 2: I think this will never end. In a continuum of
21:27
Speaker 2: days like this, I'd be better off dead. And so
21:30
Speaker 2: I just had a knife on me because we always
21:32
Speaker 2: say it was like an outdoor place. So we had
21:34
Speaker 2: a night like a utility knife. The counselor's dead, you know,
21:37
Speaker 2: just for all the stuff that we did with the kids.
21:40
Speaker 2: And I put it against my wrist and I like
21:44
Speaker 2: looked at it, and it's like I think this is better.
21:47
Speaker 2: I think I think this is this is the only
21:50
Speaker 2: safe escape here. And then I was on my knees
21:55
Speaker 2: in like in kind of this empty campsite, and my
22:00
Speaker 2: had been like looking for me and like following me
22:02
Speaker 2: and found me, and he grabbed me from behind, like
22:06
Speaker 2: grabbed a knife, tick it ot of my hand, put
22:07
Speaker 2: me in a bear hug from behind, like put me
22:09
Speaker 2: on the ground, you know, like how you would almost
22:12
Speaker 2: like almost like wrestling, you know. And I'm on the
22:14
Speaker 2: ground and he's got me in a hold, and then
22:18
Speaker 2: I remember nothing after that when I everything went black.
22:23
Speaker 2: The next thing I can remember, I woke up in
22:26
Speaker 2: a hospital. So I don't know if I had been
22:29
Speaker 2: unconscious or passed out after that. I think I did.
22:32
Speaker 2: I think that was passed out on this car ride
22:35
Speaker 2: that he got me to take, and he checked me
22:37
Speaker 2: into a psychiatric hospital and in Rhode Island, and yeah,
22:42
Speaker 2: so I spent like two weeks there and there, you know,
22:45
Speaker 2: and I was medicated to the gills. Man, like anti
22:48
Speaker 2: psychotics and antidepressants and mood stabilizers are putting all this
22:52
Speaker 2: stuff in me. And I'm like, I'm like a zombie,
22:54
Speaker 2: you know. But I'm talking to doctors every day and
22:56
Speaker 2: as sooner at some point they're like, yeah, like the
22:59
Speaker 2: descent are characteristic of bipolar disorder. You know that those
23:03
Speaker 2: are the moodswings you've been having. That's the cycles of
23:06
Speaker 2: media and depression. You know, Like we think that's bipolar disorder,
23:10
Speaker 2: you know, so they diagnose them, you know, And I
23:15
Speaker 2: was like, again, dude, I was still stuck in this
23:17
Speaker 2: mindset of like, no, I'm a sturdy, solid young guy,
23:24
Speaker 2: athletics smart, tough, Like this is this mindset of like
23:28
Speaker 2: just being a dude that like if you had a
23:31
Speaker 2: health problem, you know it is because you you broke
23:34
Speaker 2: your arm, doing an extreme cool sport, you know, you
23:37
Speaker 2: are playing football, like like a health problem wouldn't be
23:40
Speaker 2: like emotional or mental or psychological. And so you know,
23:45
Speaker 2: I left and then like I think, I think, I
23:48
Speaker 2: told like I have a girlfriend and I have my
23:50
Speaker 2: best friend, and I told like two people, and that
23:53
Speaker 2: was it. I took. I took my medicine they were
23:56
Speaker 2: They put me on like a lot of medication, the
23:59
Speaker 2: mood stabilizer or in an SSRI and an antipsychotic that
24:03
Speaker 2: like they told me to take if I needed, you know,
24:06
Speaker 2: like like I think it was Sarahquel, you know, which
24:09
Speaker 2: knock you out. And you know, I took the moods
24:13
Speaker 2: that I hated that though that made me literally a zombie.
24:16
Speaker 2: So I didn't take that, but I took the mood
24:17
Speaker 2: stabilizer in the antidepressant and then I just went about
24:21
Speaker 2: my business. But guess what, like that's that's not enough.
24:26
Speaker 2: Like I had a real problem and I wasn't talking
24:29
Speaker 2: about it to anybody, and like medication is great, like
24:33
Speaker 2: that's a step, but you know, I just kept drinking,
24:36
Speaker 2: and I kept drinking a ton and that was the
24:39
Speaker 2: way that I was, like the only that was the
24:40
Speaker 2: way I could ever feel good, and I ever feel better,
24:42
Speaker 2: and never like really tamped down. The pain. Was just drinking.
24:46
Speaker 2: And I drank for like ten more years, and it
24:50
Speaker 2: got worse, and it got worse, and it got worse.
24:54
Speaker 2: I got in trouble, I got these fights, I got hurt,
24:56
Speaker 2: I hurt people. I went like like you mentioned, and
25:00
Speaker 2: I went to jail three times. I was a It
25:05
Speaker 2: was a menace, and I was like careening towards you know,
25:08
Speaker 2: was dying. There was like there's no you live like that.
25:11
Speaker 2: You're just You're just gonna die one way or another.
25:14
Speaker 2: You're gonna you're gonna run into a brick wall, or
25:16
Speaker 2: you're just gonna, like with wilt Away, like those are
25:18
Speaker 2: the only bad ways. But I'll get to the last
25:25
Speaker 2: inflection point where my demeanor will change again for the
25:27
Speaker 2: positive I had. I mentioned that I had a girlfriend
25:31
Speaker 2: right like when this was all happening. She stayed with
25:34
Speaker 2: me this whole time. She stayed by my side and
25:37
Speaker 2: like he didn't let me go this whole time, and
25:42
Speaker 2: we eventually, after working there, we moved out to San
25:45
Speaker 2: Francisco and back to the Bay Area. She stayed with
25:49
Speaker 2: me this whole time and tried to help. Tried to help,
25:56
Speaker 2: you know, and it's not like I never tried. Like,
25:59
Speaker 2: you know, there was periods where I was like, Okay,
26:00
Speaker 2: I'm gonna drink less. I'm going I only drink ten
26:03
Speaker 2: drinks limit tonight. You know, that's a lot of drinks,
26:06
Speaker 2: but like that's less than twenty.
26:08
Speaker 1: You know.
26:08
Speaker 2: These were like the rules I was trying to set
26:09
Speaker 2: for myself, and they would work for like a time,
26:11
Speaker 2: you know, like maybe a few weeks, maybe even like
26:13
Speaker 2: a couple of months, but like it never worked. And
26:17
Speaker 2: I I get the last thing they ever had a drink.
26:23
Speaker 2: I was in such bad shape. I had just been
26:26
Speaker 2: I had just been arrested after starting a fight at
26:29
Speaker 2: my at my best friend's engagement party with his family
26:33
Speaker 2: and his fiancee and all of our friends and his
26:36
Speaker 2: this is like a special event and I just fucking
26:39
Speaker 2: lit a grenade in the middle of it, you know.
26:42
Speaker 2: And the person I started fight with was was was
26:46
Speaker 2: one of the groomsmen, like his one of his best friends.
26:50
Speaker 2: And you know, I was in an awful place. I
26:54
Speaker 2: got my ass kicked in jail by these three guys.
26:57
Speaker 2: I got out in the morning. I was mess and
27:01
Speaker 2: you know, I think that At that point, my girlfriend
27:03
Speaker 2: was like, I don't I don't know if I can
27:06
Speaker 2: if I can do this anymore. I don't know if
27:08
Speaker 2: I can watch this, like I love you it out
27:10
Speaker 2: of literally and I know that this isn't you, but
27:12
Speaker 2: like I also can't. I'm going through hell being and
27:17
Speaker 2: in the passenger seat for this. And I was like,
27:20
Speaker 2: at that point, I had kind of resigned. Guy. I
27:22
Speaker 2: had kind of said, all right, like I can ride
27:25
Speaker 2: off into the sunset with my alcohol and I don't
27:29
Speaker 2: really need anybody. Alcohol will be my friend, and that
27:33
Speaker 2: like reality started to make sense to me, Like well
27:35
Speaker 2: I didn't really like work wasn't going well, I wasn't
27:38
Speaker 2: making much money, like nothing was really happening anyways. I
27:40
Speaker 2: was like, okay, well and now and now my girlfriend's
27:43
Speaker 2: going to leave. That was where I was at. And
27:46
Speaker 2: one night went out and I had, uh. I was
27:49
Speaker 2: just like, I'm just gonna see how much I can drink.
27:51
Speaker 2: I'm gonna like see how deep I can go. And
27:53
Speaker 2: I don't really care if I'm just gonna see what happens,
27:55
Speaker 2: you know it, And I always drank like that, but
27:58
Speaker 2: this was like a level of like I really don't
28:01
Speaker 2: care and I was like met up with some people
28:05
Speaker 2: who I hadn't seen in a while, like that them
28:07
Speaker 2: since college, so they didn't know who I was, right,
28:09
Speaker 2: They're just thinking, like, oh, you know Dave, like cool,
28:12
Speaker 2: let's hang out. I remember him from ten years ago.
28:15
Speaker 2: He seemed reasonable enough. But you know, last thing I
28:19
Speaker 2: remember from this night to this day, The last thing
28:21
Speaker 2: I remember was being outside this bar on the sidewalk
28:23
Speaker 2: having a cigarette. And I woke up the next morning.
28:29
Speaker 2: I was on my couch in the apartment. I was
28:31
Speaker 2: in so much physical pain and I started to like
28:34
Speaker 2: take told of my body, and I've got like I've
28:37
Speaker 2: got cuts all over me and bruises, like cuts on
28:40
Speaker 2: my head and my hands, bruises on my body, and
28:43
Speaker 2: I have no idea.
28:46
Speaker 1: Usually you like.
28:47
Speaker 2: Remember enough to like be like, oh I fell down
28:50
Speaker 2: or I got heard a fight. I had no idea.
28:53
Speaker 2: And that's a scary feeling to really truly not know
28:56
Speaker 2: when every single page is torn out of the book.
28:59
Speaker 2: So I have no idea what's going on. And then
29:02
Speaker 2: I like I found my car keys, and I'm starting
29:04
Speaker 2: to like wonder how I even got home, you know,
29:07
Speaker 2: and driving drunk is a thing that like I always
29:10
Speaker 2: felt bad about that, Like I did it all the time,
29:12
Speaker 2: and like I didn't feel bad about that much, but
29:14
Speaker 2: I felt bad about that because I knew I was
29:16
Speaker 2: I knew it wasn't just me I was in I
29:18
Speaker 2: would be the safe one. If I'm driving drunk, it'd
29:20
Speaker 2: be someone else in the street, right, And it always
29:22
Speaker 2: bothered me a bit. But I never drove this drunk.
29:26
Speaker 2: And I'm starting to wonder. I'm like, there's no way
29:28
Speaker 2: I drove, Like I know, I drove my car out,
29:31
Speaker 2: but I'd never let myself drive home, right of course,
29:34
Speaker 2: I never. I must have gotten in a cab, but
29:37
Speaker 2: I can't find any cabor seats. I can't find anything,
29:40
Speaker 2: And so I start looking for my car in my
29:42
Speaker 2: neighborhood and like I'm like running up and down the
29:45
Speaker 2: streets looking like I hope to God I don't see
29:47
Speaker 2: my bumper, and like I do, I can still see
29:51
Speaker 2: it right now. I can see my bumper that I
29:53
Speaker 2: found on the street and the sight of it and
29:55
Speaker 2: then getting closer to the car, and I'm like at
29:59
Speaker 2: the in the car and just like there's like blood
30:01
Speaker 2: on the handle, on the door and inside and I
30:04
Speaker 2: have I have no idea like, I'm like, I think
30:06
Speaker 2: it's mine. I have no idea, and I am I'm terrified,
30:10
Speaker 2: you know. So I run inside and I'm like looking
30:12
Speaker 2: to see if there was like a hit and run
30:14
Speaker 2: that was reported, you know, And I sooner or later
30:18
Speaker 2: start to think, like, okay, that I didn't get I
30:21
Speaker 2: didn't hurt anybody. I didn't think I got in an accident,
30:23
Speaker 2: but I don't really know. And I had like as
30:28
Speaker 2: if it wasn't abundantly clear up until that point, I'm like,
30:33
Speaker 2: I'm going to fucking kill somebody.
30:34
Speaker 1: Man.
30:35
Speaker 2: I'm not just hurrying myself. I'm not gonna just take
30:37
Speaker 2: myself down and make my girlfriend miserable. I'm going to
30:41
Speaker 2: like ruin someone's whole world. Right, this has to stop,
30:47
Speaker 2: you know. And I had, like I told, I called
30:51
Speaker 2: my girlfriend and I'm like, don't leave. I right, I'm
30:55
Speaker 2: gonna fire. I'm going to do this. I don't know how,
30:57
Speaker 2: I don't have a plan. I'm going to do this though,
30:59
Speaker 2: Like this is over, this is done, I swear to God.
31:02
Speaker 2: And I think it was the next day, you know,
31:07
Speaker 2: she called it. She called the Rehab and the Chemical
31:10
Speaker 2: Dependency of Recovery program and check me in the next day,
31:17
Speaker 2: you know, I met this counselor there. I told her
31:19
Speaker 2: my story, like in ten minutes, you know, of just
31:23
Speaker 2: telling her where I'd been, what had happened, like what's
31:26
Speaker 2: going on? Why I look all fucked up, and just
31:28
Speaker 2: telling her about the last twelve years of my life.
31:30
Speaker 2: She told me straight up that she told me I
31:33
Speaker 2: was going to dude. She told me I was going
31:36
Speaker 2: to die. She's like, I, I know you. I've been
31:40
Speaker 2: doing this my whole life, addiction recovery treatment. You're not
31:46
Speaker 2: going to survive this, Dave. You need to stop right now.
31:49
Speaker 2: You need to stop. You need to give yourself thirty
31:51
Speaker 2: days right now. And I believed her as if like
31:56
Speaker 2: this was it's not like some mystery, you know, but
31:59
Speaker 2: I just find believed her in the in the real
32:01
Speaker 2: way now when people tell you, hey, you got to
32:04
Speaker 2: get it together, You're like, asked you, I got it
32:06
Speaker 2: under control. I believed her profoundly. And that was That
32:12
Speaker 2: was the last drink I ever had. And that wash
32:16
Speaker 2: I was fifteen years ago. Actually just had the anniversary. Uh,
32:22
Speaker 2: And that that wonderful girlfriend that has been there throughout
32:31
Speaker 2: this story, that's my wife. Oh my god, she has
32:37
Speaker 2: we have a we have a we have a three
32:39
Speaker 2: year old boy, We have a house, we have a partnership,
32:43
Speaker 2: we have a life.
32:45
Speaker 1: You know, and she, you know, it sounds amazing.
32:50
Speaker 2: She is amazing. And if she had left, you know, uh,
32:56
Speaker 2: I know for sure I would not be here. I
32:58
Speaker 2: don't know if i'd be on this earth, I don't know.
33:00
Speaker 2: And if I was on this earth still, it would
33:01
Speaker 2: be in some very very different form, maybe in jail
33:06
Speaker 2: from finally doing something too bad and not getting like
33:10
Speaker 2: not being a cat landing on its feet or having
33:13
Speaker 2: nine lives and running out of lot, or I would
33:16
Speaker 2: just be gone. I wouldn't be here, wouldn't be on
33:18
Speaker 2: I wouldn't be here. I know that. It's one of
33:21
Speaker 2: the things. I know. Yeah, that's and that's the deal.
33:25
Speaker 2: And like I don't know, I'll wrap up like sooner
33:28
Speaker 2: or later, you know. I I still wasn't that open
33:32
Speaker 2: about the mental health, like the mental illness. I wasn't
33:35
Speaker 2: like talking about that very regularly. I was kind of like, Okay,
33:39
Speaker 2: you know, I'm gonna get my shit together. I need therapy,
33:42
Speaker 2: I need sobriety, I need self care, I need to
33:45
Speaker 2: take these steps. But I still, even after all that
33:48
Speaker 2: I didn't tell my friends like, hey, you know, I
33:50
Speaker 2: have five polar disorder. Here's what that means. Here's like
33:54
Speaker 2: what that's felt like to me. Here's how you can
33:58
Speaker 2: like no and just understand and have a compassion. Like
34:02
Speaker 2: I didn't actually have those conversations. I was very open
34:05
Speaker 2: about the drinking, you know, and I asked everybody for
34:07
Speaker 2: help with that. But it wasn't until like I just
34:12
Speaker 2: had to grow.
34:12
Speaker 1: Man.
34:12
Speaker 2: I was in my earth like very early thirties, and
34:15
Speaker 2: I was getting my life together, and I just wanted
34:17
Speaker 2: to put everything in the rear view mirror, you know.
34:20
Speaker 2: I was like, I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna have
34:22
Speaker 2: I'm gonna get therapy, I'm gonna work on I'm gonna
34:24
Speaker 2: have a treatment plan. I'm gonna do the things that
34:26
Speaker 2: you need to do to take care of your mind
34:28
Speaker 2: when you have a mental illness and take care of
34:31
Speaker 2: your body.
34:32
Speaker 1: Uh.
34:33
Speaker 2: And I did, And I started doing great at work,
34:36
Speaker 2: and I started a business a few years later that
34:38
Speaker 2: that I'm sitting in right now. We got married, we
34:41
Speaker 2: got dogs, We started to do the things that you
34:44
Speaker 2: do when when you're when your life is taken off,
34:46
Speaker 2: and I was really happy, and uh I got to
34:50
Speaker 2: a point like set like five five, like six or
34:53
Speaker 2: seven years ago, and I just had this thought, you know,
34:58
Speaker 2: of like this is like my experience, you know, if
35:03
Speaker 2: I could communicate it well, I could help someone if
35:08
Speaker 2: they just like I could use my experience to help
35:10
Speaker 2: like someone somewhere or somebodies or more. And at that point,
35:17
Speaker 2: I'm like, I don't really know how or what, but
35:20
Speaker 2: like at some point I got to do that. I
35:22
Speaker 2: just knew, like at my best, I'm happy when I'm
35:25
Speaker 2: helping people. And over this course of not drinking, I
35:28
Speaker 2: had so many conversations with people, like one friend would
35:32
Speaker 2: be like to another who was struggling with drinking. They'd
35:34
Speaker 2: be like, hey, you got to talk to Dave Man.
35:35
Speaker 2: And I'd have these little relationships that started where I
35:38
Speaker 2: was kind of like checking in with people and being
35:40
Speaker 2: like a very unofficial you know, kind of almost like
35:43
Speaker 2: a sponsor relationship or mental relationship. And then I started writing,
35:50
Speaker 2: and I'm like, it was not with the purpose of
35:53
Speaker 2: writing a book. I didn't have the courage at that
35:56
Speaker 2: point to say like I'm gonna I think. I knew
35:58
Speaker 2: in the back of my mind I would get that,
36:00
Speaker 2: but I'm like, for now, let me just start writing.
36:02
Speaker 2: Let me see if these stories make sense. And then
36:05
Speaker 2: I started writing more, and all of a sudden I
36:06
Speaker 2: realized what I'm actually writing are chapters in a chronology,
36:11
Speaker 2: and they all have a lesson and a point. And
36:13
Speaker 2: then sooner or later, I'm like, oh, I'm actually writing
36:16
Speaker 2: a book. I didn't know it yet, but I'm writing
36:18
Speaker 2: a book. And then at some point I'm just like,
36:21
Speaker 2: I'm going to do this.
36:22
Speaker 1: I'm to do this.
36:23
Speaker 2: I'm going to write a book like the real way,
36:25
Speaker 2: and I'm going to do the hard work to get
36:26
Speaker 2: it done and make it great that it's so that
36:29
Speaker 2: the voice gets through. And I spent, like, you know,
36:33
Speaker 2: five years on this and with the goal of like
36:36
Speaker 2: being here right now talking to somebody like yourself with
36:39
Speaker 2: a platform, talking to others with an audience, having my
36:42
Speaker 2: own audience, having my experiences be things that could reach
36:46
Speaker 2: people like I was fifteen years ago or ten or
36:49
Speaker 2: twenty or whatever, where those inflection points and forks in
36:53
Speaker 2: the road, where like somebody can have one more piece
36:57
Speaker 2: of something more in their arsenal than I did, to
37:00
Speaker 2: maybe start making decisions about self care a little sooner
37:04
Speaker 2: than I did, and here we are.
37:11
Speaker 1: David the for our listeners. Again. The book is called
37:15
Speaker 1: I Am Someone. You know your story is incredible, but
37:20
Speaker 1: I think even more amazing. You are incredible. You know, seriously,
37:27
Speaker 1: I don't know you. I'm listening to you and you
37:30
Speaker 1: know me pretty well now well I know your story,
37:34
Speaker 1: but you seriously, David.
37:37
Speaker 2: It's thanks man. I appreciate that.
37:38
Speaker 1: Welcome your willingness to come on here and and not
37:46
Speaker 1: only share your story, but you share your vulnerability behind
37:50
Speaker 1: That is so freaking powerful, it really is. And as
37:56
Speaker 1: you're talking, you you have this like this this presence
38:04
Speaker 1: about you that is palpable. It's it you can feel
38:11
Speaker 1: it and it's human. Yeah, and I just want to
38:15
Speaker 1: really thank you for what you're doing, reaching out there
38:20
Speaker 1: and and through your story and through who you are
38:24
Speaker 1: helping people, because it's amazing. You're amazing.
38:27
Speaker 2: Really I appreciate that. Yeah, it's super hard, man. It's
38:31
Speaker 2: not easy to tell the story. It's at all. It's
38:33
Speaker 2: not easy to write about it. It is. Being vulnerable
38:38
Speaker 2: is super hard. But I but I will say to
38:42
Speaker 2: everyone hearing this, it is the most being truly open
38:47
Speaker 2: and vulnerable and just transparent about who you are and
38:50
Speaker 2: what you've been through. It is incredibly difficult, but it
38:53
Speaker 2: is incredibly liberating. There is, all of a sudden the
38:57
Speaker 2: work of trying to be some thing you're not, or
39:00
Speaker 2: trying to cover up something and keep this lid all
39:04
Speaker 2: stuff removing that work that you do every day is
39:11
Speaker 2: levitating and I and I really encourage it, Like if
39:16
Speaker 2: I if I had not that was the very first
39:17
Speaker 2: step was I have a problem. I have a big problem.
39:22
Speaker 2: And then telling that to somebody, and then telling that
39:25
Speaker 2: to more people, and the power of community around you.
39:28
Speaker 2: You know, you'll see you know, whoever you are, if
39:30
Speaker 2: you're hearing this, like you know you have a problem.
39:33
Speaker 2: You know, if you're listening to this and it connects
39:36
Speaker 2: with you, like you know there's something up, you know,
39:38
Speaker 2: and maybe you're not okay and like and that's totally fine.
39:41
Speaker 2: And I assure you that the invitation of your community
39:46
Speaker 2: into that, through you sharing it, it'll open up so
39:49
Speaker 2: many doors. Somebody will will be there to help you.
39:52
Speaker 2: Somebody will have an idea, somebody will have a resource,
39:54
Speaker 2: somebody will give you a spark that starts to light
39:59
Speaker 2: this path. And but it starts with just a simple
40:04
Speaker 2: act of being open.
40:08
Speaker 1: Yeah, how do people learn more about you and the book?
40:12
Speaker 1: What's the best way?
40:14
Speaker 2: Okay, So the book is called I Am Someone you know,
40:18
Speaker 2: and it is on you know, Amazon and places like
40:21
Speaker 2: that where where fine books are sold. If you want
40:25
Speaker 2: to check it out, like I have, you know, some
40:27
Speaker 2: of it's on my website, and my website is David
40:30
Speaker 2: Shamsad dot com and Shamsod is spelled s h A
40:33
Speaker 2: M s z A D. There's there's a lot there,
40:37
Speaker 2: there's some and there's interviews where you can just kind
40:40
Speaker 2: of hear some of these conversations. There's samples of the
40:42
Speaker 2: book to try to kind of give people something, uh,
40:47
Speaker 2: and yeah, check it out, you know. And there's there's
40:50
Speaker 2: some Instagram and all that stuff connected to it. But
40:53
Speaker 2: but the message and the spirit of the message is
40:56
Speaker 2: all there on my website. And yeah, I hope I
40:59
Speaker 2: hope it and help. That's awesome.
41:02
Speaker 1: We'll have that all that linked up here at the
41:03
Speaker 1: show notes page at the Trauma Therapist podcast dot com. David,
41:08
Speaker 1: love to have you back again. You You're you are
41:13
Speaker 1: so freaking inspiring. Love it all right, Take care that
41:17
Speaker 1: sounds good.
41:22
Speaker 2: H