Latest / Carmedy / Episode 19.99 - Vinegar Legs

Transcript

Episode 19.99 - Vinegar Legs · Carmedy

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: What's up, everybody?
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Comedy Podcast, where comedy means your slash my commute.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I am your host, Dave Thompson.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: This is episode 19.99.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Episode 20 is not ready yet.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Melissa and I still have to record the episode, but so much has happened.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: So much is going on.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: I had to record.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: You guys, the new job is great.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: The new job is great.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of changes in my life.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of changes going on right now.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: But before I get into this new job, let's talk about ding dong ditching.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Two nights ago, we had somebody ding dong ditch us.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And they were wearing like a Halloween mask.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like a ghillie mask?
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or some sort of monster mask.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what mask it was.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: And they ran up to the door.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And the stinking ring camera, it only captured them when they clicked the button to ring the doorbell.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: So they clicked the button to ring the doorbell, then they knocked on the door, and then they ran away.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Couple things to note, because I'm gonna post this on social media.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Please make sure you're following me on social media at Dave Thompson Comedy, at the Carmody Podcast, or at IE Comedy to see what's going on in the IE.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: All that good stuff.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Uh a couple things to note, this is this this person has like a bracelet on.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: A bracelet?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of white.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: White shirt, white shoes, white socks.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Just not really dressed for the job.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, other than the fact that sneakers are a good way to get away.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: We think it was an e-bike gang.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: We think this was the product of an e-bike gang.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll be honest with you, after it happened, we you know, we we deliberated in the home, and I said, I'm I'm gonna go find them.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go find this e-bike gang.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go give them a stern talking to.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna give them a stern talking to.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's the last time they'll ever do this.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah, I never found them.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: I did track down a group of e-bikers, but they made off on the golf course.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: They were not interested in having a an adult stop and talk to them.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Can you imagine a group of children on e-bikes not wanting to stop for an adult that wants to talk to them?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine that.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine that.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Well, God wish them well.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Whoever this was that's gonna come back to my house for trick-or-treating with the same mask.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Don't you don't you think I'm not freaking looking out for you, but oh you know what?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see through every other costume.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care if you're Aladdin, I don't care if you're dressed up like Predator, I don't care if you're dressed up like freaking Woody from Toy Story, I don't care if you're dressed up like a character from Mortal Kombat.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: But if I see that mask, that weird funky gilly mask, if I see that mask, trick or treat, I'm gonna punch you in the nose.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna punch you right in the bracelet.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's what's gonna happen.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: How's everybody doing?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: You guys doing good?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you guys so much.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Appreciate you, Car medians.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Every single time I get my weekly listen, uh, listenership email, makes me smile that there's people that are still rocking with me.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: You guys, I haven't done stand-up in over a week.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't done stand-up in over a week.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: This has never happened.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Can I stress this to you guys?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: This has never happened since I have been doing stand-up ever.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I have never gone this long doing stand-up or not doing stand-up.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Ever.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Since I began.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in my third year and I have never gone eight days without doing stand-up.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: I feel I feel naked.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: I feel ashamed, I feel FOMO.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: I see people out doing stuff, being funny.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, frick, I wanna be out doing stuff, being funny.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: I want to do that.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: But it's just not in the cards yet.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm gonna get out this week.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: We got some shows next week.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Very exciting, very excited.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Uh but yeah, just you gotta take things one one thing at a time.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: This new job, this new schedule.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, a lot of changes, a lot of changes happening, you know.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, they gave me a gym membership with this job.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Uh a 20 24-hour fitness membership, they give it to me, like for life, when you work there, as long as you work there, they'll continue to keep paying for it.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Every month.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Excuse me.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: So every month they'll keep paying for this membership as long as I work there.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm like, you know what?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: My instructor, he said, uh to the whole class, because I'm you know, I'm in training, he said to the whole class, there's 11 of us.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, uh, there's no excuse for anybody being fat in here.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because we give you a gym membership.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I took a I took a quick scan and I was the only fat one in there.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's kind of like, hey, I I know who you're I know who you're I know who you're talking about, Bucko.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: I know who you're talking about.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'll I'll go.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'll go.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: I will I'll uh I will go.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I will go.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so I I went.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And and this is what it is, like when you walk into a gym and you're overweight, you know.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: I I I walked in there for the first time, you know, and I gotta set up my profile and do all that stuff with them.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: And and they're so happy to see me.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: The smiles on their faces to see me there.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's like it's like when you walk into a church for the first time.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: There's like a team of people waiting for you that are like, this is God's plan for your life.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, thank you so much for for listening to the Holy Spirit, for listening to that that little birdie on your shoulder.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: This is this is this is where you belong.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: They start giving you free stuff, you know.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: At church, they give you like a Bible or a book, maybe, a little coffee cup.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: At the gym, they're like, we know this guy likes food.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: They give me a freaking granola bar, a little protein bar, little David bar.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, how do you know my name's David?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: You freaking psychos.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um they also gave me like a like a protein shake.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Cup.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, little little shaker bottle.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, hey, these are for protein shakes.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, yeah, well, not right now, they're not, okay, you guys.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not I'm not into this whole fitness thing for for life yet, you know what I mean?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: This right now, this is for a cookies and cream shake I'm gonna make at home.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you for that.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: But you know.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I have not converted yet.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I gotta work that out on stage, because I do think that's funny.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Uh some things to note too, you know, is I have no idea how to use any of the machines.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's easy to use a treadmill.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you get on, you click start.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: There's uh an elevation setting, and there's a speed setting, and a stop.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: So it's it's pretty self-explanatory.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then and then you go on some of the other machines, like I went on the stairmaster, and the stairmaster, by the way, frick the stairmaster, that thing hurt my legs.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: The stairmaster, you know, that thing was wild.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then I I did some weights, which was pretty cool.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: You just you know, you lift them.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how to lift them exactly.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if I'm lifting them the right way, but I was lifting them.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then, you know, I I brought everything like my backpack to take a shower, because you know, they have showers at gyms, and so I went into the locker room, and this is a you know, a 24-hour fitness, it's a pretty large place.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Went into the locker room, and and it smelled terribly.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Well, hold on, let me go back to the beginning.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: So the first time I went in there, I went into the locker room, and I just noticed one thing: old guys everywhere, old hairy guys everywhere with like small shorts, no shirt on, just everywhere.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like I walk in and there's just like four separately placed old guys with just the most hair you've ever seen on their bodies, just like just got out of the shower or something, but just lingering, you know what I'm saying?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like not really making progress to get dressed, you know, just kinda just just kinda just kind of there for the hang.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: No pun intended, just there for the hang.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then and then when I went back in there after my workout, right?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: I went back in there and it smelled of vinegar, and I was like, what the frick is going on in here?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: It smells like it smells like an Easter egg hunt in here, and and I and I walk towards the showers, I turn the corner, and there is a dude pouring vinegar on his hands, rubbing it on his legs.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: And when I mean pouring, I mean this guy has a gallon, a gallon, you know those gallon freaking jugs of vinegar?
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know those ones?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: The the ones that are a gallon, you know, you know, you know sizes?
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, the a gallon size jug of vinegar.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: This guy is pouring it onto his hands, rubbing his hands together, short shorts on, no shirt.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, a dude, an old dude, rubbing vinegar all over his legs.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: The whole locker room, ladies and gentlemen, the entire locker room smells of vinegar.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't understand.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: I don't maybe I don't understand fitness, okay?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I don't get it.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's maybe that's the thing.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I just don't get it.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Cause I don't understand why the frick he's doing that.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Why the frick is there so many old guys just chilling in the locker room?
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Why is there so many people just chilling by the showers?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Just looking like they ain't got nothing to do.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Is it what I think it is?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Is it what I think it is, ladies and gentlemen, leave it in the comments below.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you're on Spotify, if you're on Apple, leave it in the comments.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Is it what I think it is?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's crazy.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know when I first told my wife that um I had a gym membership.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, with this new job, she said, Oh my goodness, are you telling me you're making all this good money and you're gonna get hot?
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, wait, I thought you said I was hot.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: What the fick?
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: I don't mean like you get hot, I mean like like you get buff.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, buff?
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Woman, I'll hit you right now.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a union worker now.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: You guys know what union workers are, right?
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: The three they got the three B's.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: You got Bud Light, buying a truck, and beating your wife.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Oh Lord, I need to get on stage.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: I need to get on stage because this sucks.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I had to get things out.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm very appreciative for the Carmedy community.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very appreciative.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, me and Melissa will do this 30-minute episode.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be great.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we're gonna have it uploaded.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: We gotta get it done this week.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: We gotta get it done this week.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's just, you know, schedule, clash, all that stuff.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know, things are what they are.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm gonna be getting back out there.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: I got some shows coming up.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: I got the ice house coming up October 10th in Pasadena.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: The ice house, very excited for that show.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Also have the uh Laug Factory coming up.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I think it's October 17th.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: October 17th, I think.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: The Laug Factory.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then uh uh November 28th, I have Mic Drop Comedy down in San Diego.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: So those are all the club shows I got coming up.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully, an Ontario improv date coming up soon.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I heard.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: So got to figure that out.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Little Ontario improv date.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: That would be a lot of fun.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's the place where I started, it's where I started my comedy.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and uh yeah, just a lot of exciting things.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, got some new stuff in the works that you guys are gonna see on the social medias.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: Please make sure you're following me on social media.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: Please make sure you're following I.e.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: comedy as well on the Instagrams or whatever's.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and yeah, thank you guys so much for listening.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's been episode 19.99.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: My name is David Thompson.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Have a wonderful day, everybody.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, come on!