Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #91 Teenage Daughters and Their Dads

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#91 Teenage Daughters and Their Dads · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coilson,
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  Speaker 1: where Luke and Susie and this is the podcast for
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  Speaker 1: the time poor parent who just wons answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, my wife waxed my legs for me last night. Really,
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  Speaker 2: I can't believe I just told you that.
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  Speaker 3: I don't you bring it up? You go, why do
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  Speaker 3: you bring it up? Oh?
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  Speaker 2: By the way, I don't know why I brought that up.
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  Speaker 1: And that was all right, you survived it.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, it's been a A can't believe I'm talking
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  Speaker 2: about my Is it the pillotry? Is that the word?
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  Speaker 2: The hair removal thing? I can't believe I'm talking about
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  Speaker 2: that with you right now on radio.
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  Speaker 3: You in for next week on this show, Not so
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  Speaker 3: closet man whose wife shaves his legs?
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  Speaker 1: Have we got a great question for you to take
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  Speaker 1: a look at today. How can my husband stay close
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  Speaker 1: to our daughter as she goes through adolescents and is
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  Speaker 1: becoming a bit uncomfortable around men. I've been atteen that
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  Speaker 1: teenage daughter going through that phase of feeling a bit
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  Speaker 1: uncomfortable around men and having to navigate a relationship with
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  Speaker 1: my dad through that. So I'm very keen to hear
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  Speaker 1: what you have to say here, because I think it'll
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  Speaker 1: be a comfort to mums and dads.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's really interesting. Tell me a bit more about
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  Speaker 2: I'm stepping into my psychology.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, okay. So I grew up in a relationship. We
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  Speaker 1: would kiss each other good night every night, Mum and
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  Speaker 1: dad and I. My sister and I. We were lip
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  Speaker 1: kisses through when we were little. But there came a
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  Speaker 1: point was like, it's not okay anymore.
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  Speaker 2: See there's a topic right there, the lip kiss. We
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  Speaker 2: will do that another time, but the lip kiss is
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  Speaker 2: a fiery topic for parents.
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  Speaker 1: I chose that, Like I remember specifically having time going
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  Speaker 1: I don't feel comfortable with that anymore. And it was
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  Speaker 1: just okay, Like there was no questions about it, there
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  Speaker 1: was no need for an explanation. It was just I
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  Speaker 1: led the change and that was fine. But I do
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  Speaker 1: remember I've always been very protective of my personal space
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  Speaker 1: with men. There are men I feel very comfortable with
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  Speaker 1: and others that I don't. And it's sort of like
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  Speaker 1: I kind of felt like my dad was almost like
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  Speaker 1: the gauge that helped me figure out who was safe
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  Speaker 1: and who wasn't through that time. And so It's almost
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  Speaker 1: like it's hard to explain it. It's almost like I
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  Speaker 1: learned to be unc comfortable with my dad to figure
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  Speaker 1: out how to handle it if I'm uncomfortable with other men,
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  Speaker 1: even though I was comfortable and felt very safe with
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  Speaker 1: my father. Does that make sense.
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  Speaker 2: It's really interesting to hear talk about that. In asking
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  Speaker 2: teenage girls about their lives for my book About Teenage Girls,
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  Speaker 2: which comes out in January February twenty twenty, the idea
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  Speaker 2: that they would feel uncomfortable around males came up consistently.
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  Speaker 2: It was a It was not an overriding concern. It
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  Speaker 2: wasn't a big thing, but many girls talked about having
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  Speaker 2: concerns and questions about their safety. So to hear this question,
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  Speaker 2: to hear that daughter is pulling away from dad. Dad's
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  Speaker 2: trying to remain close, wanting to be involved, but there's
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  Speaker 2: a definite growing apart, and a daughter started to feel
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  Speaker 2: a bit uncomfortable around men. It's not what I would
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  Speaker 2: call unusual at all. The real question at the heart
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  Speaker 2: of this person's email, My sense is that dad doesn't
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  Speaker 2: want to lose his little girl. Yeah, he loves her,
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  Speaker 2: he wants to be close and naturally developmentally, it's appropriate
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  Speaker 2: that as a teenager, whether she's a you know, whether
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  Speaker 2: you've got a son or a daughter, our teenagers are
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  Speaker 2: designed to begin to move away from us and towards
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  Speaker 2: their peers and towards their own independent life.
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  Speaker 3: It strikes me that this is the phase with daughters,
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  Speaker 3: much like you've sat in the studio and talk to
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  Speaker 3: us about when we've got three young boys, that there's
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  Speaker 3: a certain age where our boys are mummies and then
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  Speaker 3: they switch their need to get more from daddy. That
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  Speaker 3: this is just a stage of development that is natural
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  Speaker 3: for a girl to have. The relationship is going to change.
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  Speaker 3: That doesn't mean it's not closer, that she doesn't love
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  Speaker 3: her dad, but it's automatically going to change and let it.
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  Speaker 2: Let it be in a sense, you know, dads have
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  Speaker 2: got to stay involved to the extent that they can,
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  Speaker 2: to the extent that they're safe. I've always got to
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  Speaker 2: put these cavets in because some dads simply don't know
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  Speaker 2: how to be safe for their children. But assuming as
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  Speaker 2: is the case with almost everybody, the dad is safe,
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  Speaker 2: even and if dad doesn't live in the same house,
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  Speaker 2: or if there's a step dad, or you know, dad's
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  Speaker 2: living in a state or whatever. The research is absolutely
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  Speaker 2: clear dads need to be close and intimately involved with
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  Speaker 2: their daughter's lives. When I say intimate, obviously, I'm speaking
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  Speaker 2: about an appropriate level of intimacy, meaning we're in a
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  Speaker 2: close relationship with one another because we love each other.
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  Speaker 2: Your dad, your daughter. That's the way it works that
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  Speaker 2: the research shows that dads have a profound protective influence
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  Speaker 2: over their children in terms of they're less likely to
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  Speaker 2: engage in delinquent behavioral less likely to drink alcohol or
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  Speaker 2: smoke or take less at substances, or even being intimate
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  Speaker 2: physically in any kind of a physical way with others.
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  Speaker 2: What we see is dad's having this incredible protective factor.
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  Speaker 2: Is it causal, Well, we don't know, but we know
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  Speaker 2: that when dads have a positive relationship with their teen
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  Speaker 2: girls and boys, that they grow up to be healthier
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  Speaker 2: and safer. They seem to make wiser decisions. So for
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  Speaker 2: this Mum, I would say, Mum and Dad, you want
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  Speaker 2: to stay as close to her as she'll allow you,
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  Speaker 2: without crowding her and without forcing her. Instead, it's about
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  Speaker 2: navigating the changes and finding ways that you can continue
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  Speaker 2: to check in and be.
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  Speaker 1: Close something's just come to mind from my experience, if
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  Speaker 1: I can come back and we'll just have a counseling session.
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  Speaker 1: And you did ask me earlier about what this was
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  Speaker 1: like for me going through. Do you know one thing
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  Speaker 1: that stands out significant for me? My mom came to
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  Speaker 1: everything when I was growing up. She was at every
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  Speaker 1: netball game. Dad came to some, but she was at
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  Speaker 1: every netball game. She was at every school event that
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  Speaker 1: she could be at. She was working in the uniform shop.
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  Speaker 1: My mom was very present. She was a stay at
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  Speaker 1: home mum working in my dad's business. But there was
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  Speaker 1: a time that I had a significant event. It was
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  Speaker 1: ALIGNS Youth of the Year event, and my mom couldn't come,
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  Speaker 1: and my dad went with me. And to me, that
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  Speaker 1: was a really significant switch that was in my mid
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  Speaker 1: to late teens, a real switch in my relationship with
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  Speaker 1: my dad because suddenly I went and my Dad's going
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  Speaker 1: to show up for me, And it was a significant
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  Speaker 1: moment for our relationship and one that I always come
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  Speaker 1: back to. So is that like she.
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  Speaker 3: Was building up on emotion. So what she wants to
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  Speaker 3: say is to Justice speak.
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  Speaker 2: Can you take of me?
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  Speaker 1: I think what I'm coming to is is how significant
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  Speaker 1: is that dads don't always get to show up to
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  Speaker 1: all the stuff that mums do. But the showing up.
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  Speaker 2: What I love is just how impacted you've been by
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  Speaker 2: that experience. It's clearly had. Obviously on the show, it's
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  Speaker 2: really hard for everybody to see. But this is something
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  Speaker 2: that really touches your heart. Yeah, this is something that I'm.
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  Speaker 3: Tearing the eye.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, you look back on that and think, this is
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  Speaker 2: really a critical foundation experience that I had with my
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  Speaker 2: dad that has established the positivity that we enjoy in
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  Speaker 2: our relationship, the things that matter most. The more parents
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  Speaker 2: can do that with their mums or dads, the better.
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  Speaker 2: What I'm most interested in is finding ways for parents
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  Speaker 2: to engage with their kids. And every daughter at every
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  Speaker 2: son respond to different things. For example, I've got one
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  Speaker 2: daughter married and moved out. At every Sunday morning, I
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  Speaker 2: meet her at six am. It's a thirty minute drive,
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  Speaker 2: So I'm getting up at five point fifteen on a
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  Speaker 2: Sunday so that I can drive to her place and
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  Speaker 2: we walk the two dogs for about two hours. We
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  Speaker 2: walk about eight to ten maybe even twelve k's every
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  Speaker 2: Sunday morning. And you know, it's become a highlight of
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  Speaker 2: my life. I just love it. I wondered during the
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  Speaker 2: teen years if I would ever have a relationship with
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  Speaker 2: her A couple of times. This is the parenting expert
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  Speaker 2: whore saying this is just too hard. And yet now
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  Speaker 2: that she's older, she's moved out, she's getting on with
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  Speaker 2: her life. That Sunday morning experience is just joy for
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  Speaker 2: any parent who's losing hope and wondering. Keep at it
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  Speaker 2: because one day they'll turn nineteen, twenty, twenty one, twenty
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  Speaker 2: four and you'll say, hey, do you want to go
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  Speaker 2: for a walk and grab a drink afterwards? And she'll
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  Speaker 2: say that'd be nice, and it will change your world.
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  Speaker 2: I have a sixteen year old daughter who just wants
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  Speaker 2: to sing and be theatrical, and so we find ways
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  Speaker 2: that we can sing and dance and be theatrical. I
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  Speaker 2: have a netball queen who's fifteen, which means that I
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  Speaker 2: take her to her netball games. That's my Saturday activity
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  Speaker 2: on the sideline week after week. And you know, I
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  Speaker 2: love watching a play. I hate losing my Saturday afternoon,
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  Speaker 2: but I love watching it a play. It's worth it.
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  Speaker 2: I'll by the way. Her other thing Bogle.
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  Speaker 1: Oh, great, board game's awesome.
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  Speaker 2: Bogle whenever she sees me looking like I might not
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  Speaker 2: be doing anything, which well, I'm always doing something, but
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  Speaker 2: she'll say boggle and then she'll run and get the
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  Speaker 2: pen and the paper and the boggle stuff, and we'll
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  Speaker 2: play boggle for ten or fifteen minutes before I go
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  Speaker 2: and do other things. Whatever it is that we're able
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  Speaker 2: to do to connect with them in their world. It's
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  Speaker 2: their world. It's amazing, and also creating other things, like
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  Speaker 2: you know, let's go camping together once every so often,
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  Speaker 2: and I would say at least a couple of times
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  Speaker 2: a year, even if it's only for one or two days.
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  Speaker 2: Let's go on outings to places that matter to our daughters,
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  Speaker 2: take them to their favorite ca by them their favorite treats.
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  Speaker 2: Money does by relationships to some extent when they're teenagers,
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  Speaker 2: because we can give them things. But here's my last
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  Speaker 2: response to this really important question about how her dads
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  Speaker 2: can stay close to their teenage daughters, because that's really
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  Speaker 2: what the question was. And this is probably going to
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  Speaker 2: come out of left field, but I think that it's
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  Speaker 2: maybe the most important thing that I can say, Dad,
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  Speaker 2: if you want to stay close to your teenage girl
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  Speaker 2: respect the women in her life without any hesitation. Make
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  Speaker 2: sure that that girl sees you treating mum and auntie
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  Speaker 2: and grandma and neighbors and anybody who is a woman
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  Speaker 2: with the greatest of respect, with absolute kindness, with whatever
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  Speaker 2: level of deference is necessary to show that she matters
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  Speaker 2: in your life. When your daughter sees you behaving like
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  Speaker 2: that towards other females, she'll feel safe around you because
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  Speaker 2: she'll see what a real man is really like.
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  Speaker 3: Doctor Justin Coulson, nice little drop the mic moment to
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  Speaker 3: finish us off today. Thank you so much for your
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  Speaker 3: time in answering this question.
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  Speaker 2: Awesome. Thanks guys.
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  Speaker 1: For more information on all of Justin's books, podcasts, and programs,
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  Speaker 1: you can go online to Happy Families dot com dot au,
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  Speaker 1: and to find out how to have Justin come and
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: speak at your school, organization or event, go to Justinculson
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  Speaker 1: dot com.