Latest / Your Thoughts Your Reality / When Did You Start Doubting Yourself? | Identity — The 1st Silent War | Laura Ollinger

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When Did You Start Doubting Yourself? | Identity — The 1st Silent War | Laura Ollinger · Your Thoughts Your Reality

0:00
SPEAKER_01: When did you first start questioning whether you were good enough?
0:05
SPEAKER_01: For a lot of us, that story began long before adulthood.
0:08
SPEAKER_01: We learned to measure ourselves through grades and performances, relationships, approval, and expectations of people around us.
0:18
SPEAKER_01: And once identity gets built around proving your worth, that story can follow you for years.
0:24
SPEAKER_01: So, how do we help young people discover who they are without accidentally telling them who they have to be?
0:32
SPEAKER_01: Today's conversation is about identity, the first silent war, and what it means to become the decider in your own life.
0:41
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Your Thoughts, Your Reality with Michael Cole, the podcast that shines a compassionate light on the journey of veterans battling through life's challenges.
0:50
SPEAKER_00: Michael is a dual elite certified neuroencoding specialist in coaching and keynote training presentations, dedicated to guiding military veterans as they navigate the intricate pathways of post-deployment life.
1:02
SPEAKER_00: Join him as we delve into the profound realm of neuroencoding science, empowering these brave individuals to conquer universal battles, procrastination, self-doubt, fear, and more.
1:13
SPEAKER_00: Together, let's uncover the strength within you to re-engage with families and society, forging a new path forward.
1:26
SPEAKER_01: Laura Ollinger is a teen and parent well-being coach, a motivational youth speaker, and a mom of four teens.
1:33
SPEAKER_01: She holds a master's in health and wellness education and is a national board certified health and wellness coach.
1:39
SPEAKER_01: Laura is also a neuroencoding specialist with extensive training in brain health and emotional regulation.
1:44
SPEAKER_01: We're going to talk about that today.
1:46
SPEAKER_01: She's the host of the Positively Healthy Mom podcast, and her signature keynote, The Decider, helps teams build confidence, connection, direction, and of course, ownership of their own choices.
1:59
SPEAKER_01: Laura, welcome back to your Thoughts and Reality.
2:02
SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's been a minute since you've been on here.
2:04
SPEAKER_01: I'm so happy you're here.
2:05
SPEAKER_01: Tell us, you know, what you're up to and you know what's changed since the last time we had to Well, thanks, first of all, for having me back.
2:13
SPEAKER_04: I'm super excited to be here.
2:15
SPEAKER_04: And yes, life has shifted a little bit because my kids are growing up.
2:19
SPEAKER_04: And so naturally I, as a mom, grow with them.
2:22
SPEAKER_04: And with that, my practice grows as well.
2:25
SPEAKER_04: So I've really taken a very strong interest in college integration and adaptation into college life.
2:35
SPEAKER_04: And so if anybody knows anybody that's a freshman, you might be asking their mom or dad, hey, how was drop-off?
2:41
SPEAKER_04: Were their tears?
2:42
SPEAKER_04: Was it emotional?
2:44
SPEAKER_04: How are they settling in?
2:45
SPEAKER_04: Do they like their roommate?
2:47
SPEAKER_04: Are they calling home all the time?
2:48
SPEAKER_04: Are they texting?
2:49
SPEAKER_04: Are they not?
2:50
SPEAKER_04: And you're not hearing from them?
2:51
SPEAKER_04: Are you here's my big question: are you watching them on Life 360?
2:55
SPEAKER_04: I have several friends who are tracking their kids at college.
2:59
SPEAKER_04: Um, and so this has just been a whole exciting new part of my kind of personal life and professional life as well, with my daughter now being a freshman in college as well, out of state.
3:09
SPEAKER_04: So, you know, I'm kind of in it with everyone else.
3:12
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you know, uh, I'm ready to just throw out the questions just based on what is it, life 360?
3:18
SPEAKER_02: What is that?
3:19
SPEAKER_04: Oh, yeah, tracking, you know, tracking the location of your kid.
3:22
SPEAKER_04: Obviously, we didn't have that growing up.
3:24
SPEAKER_04: My parents never knew where I was, what I was doing, and and therefore not able to call and say, why are you at a party and not studying on a Monday night or whatever.
3:32
SPEAKER_04: Um, so yes, that's what a lot of parents are doing now.
3:35
SPEAKER_01: Okay, got it.
3:36
SPEAKER_01: And and I do definitely want to circle back to that and the good and bad with it, right?
3:40
SPEAKER_01: So but if we can, you know, I the life life changes, right?
3:45
SPEAKER_01: Just like you said.
3:46
SPEAKER_01: And I think it's super cool that we get to see the next generation, if you will, you know, moving into adulthood and and kind of what all that encompasses.
3:56
SPEAKER_01: So I'm excited to, you know, go back now and listen to the other podcast that you've been.
4:02
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
4:03
SPEAKER_01: So your work now centers around, you know, the this idea of becoming the decider.
4:07
SPEAKER_01: You know, before a team can decide where they're going, don't they first have to decide whose voice gets to define who they are?
4:15
SPEAKER_01: And I think it's a big one.
4:17
SPEAKER_04: Yes, absolutely.
4:19
SPEAKER_04: So I started, well, there's a there's a a backstory to this, but I'm gonna start right in the middle.
4:25
SPEAKER_04: One of my very first clients is a girl I was working with, and and I I literally at one point had to say, look, you have a choice.
4:35
SPEAKER_04: You can literally just keep doubting yourself for the rest of your life, or you can just flip a switch and make the decision now and think about how much time and how much grief and sadness and disappointment you will not have to face if you can just step into this now.
4:52
SPEAKER_04: And and and and sometimes that feels like an extremely abrupt confrontation, but that's what a coach is for, right?
4:59
SPEAKER_04: Sometimes we have to push a little bit.
5:00
SPEAKER_04: And so kind of just that concept started kind of percolating in my vocabulary years ago.
5:07
SPEAKER_04: And now I have created a whole keynote speech that I give to teens and young adults and a program as well, because sometimes we have to give them the tools and teach them how they can actually not just understand it conceptually, but then actually live it.
5:24
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I mean, let's let's go back because there's a lot in that, right?
5:30
SPEAKER_01: So how do they how do they step back forward?
5:33
SPEAKER_01: I mean, how what where do you say or or let me go back even further?
5:39
SPEAKER_01: At what age do you think people should start looking to just step forward into that or where they're mature enough to do it, even before college, probably, yes?
5:47
SPEAKER_04: Mm-hmm.
5:47
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
5:48
SPEAKER_04: I think middle school is a potential age.
5:52
SPEAKER_04: And when I look at my own history, that is when I realized I was doubting myself a lot.
5:58
SPEAKER_04: High schoolers for sure.
5:59
SPEAKER_04: And to be honest, and and I know your audience is very diverse and mixed with ages and you know who they are and what they're doing.
6:07
SPEAKER_04: This can apply to anyone, literally any adult, because I know I don't like to call out specific people in my life, but I know adults, let's just say that are our age, mature and older, who are still doubting their themselves.
6:22
SPEAKER_04: They still feel have that fear of rejection, and they still really much rely on other people's opinion and feedback in order to feel validation about who they are.
6:35
SPEAKER_04: So your question was like, who could like like what's the earliest?
6:38
SPEAKER_04: But this is kind of one of those 12 to 99 age ranges, right?
6:43
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, absolutely love that.
6:45
SPEAKER_01: Because it's true.
6:45
SPEAKER_01: I mean, as human beings, and again, you're right, we have a broad range of audience.
6:50
SPEAKER_01: It's I mean, I I kind of went through that for a second yesterday, you know.
6:55
SPEAKER_01: Thank thank goodness I know neuron coding and had a snap out of it.
6:58
SPEAKER_01: But yeah, I think we all sometimes at some point in our life kind of kind of get there, right?
7:04
SPEAKER_01: Or the problem, I think, is more staying stuck there.
7:07
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
7:08
SPEAKER_04: Absolutely, right?
7:09
SPEAKER_04: Like you wouldn't really be a normal human if you didn't experience this, you know, even as much as as frequently it is on a daily basis, right?
7:16
SPEAKER_04: But the the the quicker you can recognize it and snap yourself out of it and then not just recover back to baseline, but maybe even surpass that a little bit, right?
7:25
SPEAKER_04: Then over time the trajectory can increase and not just stay static.
7:30
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I love I love that you said that.
7:31
SPEAKER_01: And then for people that aren't familiar with the work that well, we do, because it I mean, we have different audiences to some extent, but it does overlap as well.
7:41
SPEAKER_01: So where would you want to ask this?
7:46
SPEAKER_01: Where do you how do people know what baseline is for them?
7:51
SPEAKER_04: Good question.
7:52
SPEAKER_04: Oh, I love that question.
7:54
SPEAKER_04: It it it's the culmination of your kind of attitude about yourself.
7:59
SPEAKER_04: So as we know, your you know, your psychology is your thoughts about yourself, others, and the world around you.
8:05
SPEAKER_04: So you probably typically know what your baseline is because are you a happy person every day, or are you at least optimistic every day?
8:14
SPEAKER_04: Are you um mopey and gropey every day and kind of whining about things and complaining about and kind of being the victim of this world and it's so terrible and everybody's fighting and all these things?
8:24
SPEAKER_04: Or are you kind of like a mix?
8:25
SPEAKER_04: Are you feeling like people kind of just know inherently like how they're feeling and how they're relating to themselves and to the world?
8:32
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I love that because I thought you could talk about all the dwarfs there for a second, grumpy and but you do know, right?
8:42
SPEAKER_01: And and I think the the I'm not gonna say conferred, the the challenge, that's what I'm gonna say, the challenge is intentionally looking at it.
8:54
SPEAKER_01: Because I think most people are just in the life spend cycle and they're they're not intentionally living their lives unless you know they they really are focused, and most people in the world, especially today, I say aren't.
9:07
SPEAKER_01: So how would you say would be a great way to intentionally lean into that more specifically?
9:16
SPEAKER_01: Because I I mean I think some people definitely have a baseline, but I think in today's world they're kind of all over the place.
9:25
SPEAKER_01: And I'm I'm even myself, there's a day of you know, or 10 minutes here or whatever the case may be that you're just not sure.
9:34
SPEAKER_01: Any any thoughts on on that?
9:36
SPEAKER_01: Of how do you really know where baseline is if you're trying to intentionally lean into it?
9:42
SPEAKER_04: I like that because the very idea of baseline is that there are some ups and downs, right?
9:49
SPEAKER_04: So I'm not trying to tell people they have to be happy all the time, and I'm not trying to give this toxic positivity message because life is full of sometimes disappointment, sadness, loss, grief.
10:01
SPEAKER_04: My goodness, this past month has been crazy, some really sad losses I've had.
10:05
SPEAKER_04: And so, yeah, it and it's hard.
10:08
SPEAKER_04: And so I'm never gonna dismiss anything that is happening in our lives.
10:12
SPEAKER_04: But then again, like how do we go back to baseline?
10:15
SPEAKER_04: And really what that comes back to is that word that's on your screen, and that's kind of where this conversation is going, which is identity, right?
10:23
SPEAKER_04: And that and that's what the decider is.
10:25
SPEAKER_04: It's it's deciding your identity about how you want to approach life and how you want to approach challenges.
10:32
SPEAKER_04: And who do you want to be in this world?
10:34
SPEAKER_04: Because at the end of the day, exactly what you're saying, like most people, well, not most people, I hate to generalize, but like because we're in the field, it's very common and easy for us to discuss this very fluently.
10:45
SPEAKER_04: But for people who are not in the field, let's say, they do kind of just live their lives in kind of in a reactive sort of way instead of realizing, and and you don't realize until you do the work.
10:58
SPEAKER_04: And I myself have done the work, which is where this kind of that backstory comes from.
11:02
SPEAKER_04: Years and years and years ago, I was going through a very, very, very traumatic.
11:08
SPEAKER_04: Well, I don't want to use that word because of your audience.
11:10
SPEAKER_04: Sorry, that's an overstatement.
11:12
SPEAKER_04: Um, a very upsetting, let's say, divorce situation.
11:15
SPEAKER_04: And I was going to therapy, I was going to group therapy, I was really trying to like heal myself and figure out who I was.
11:23
SPEAKER_04: And in that process, I one day, we were doing some kind of like history work, and I was with, you know, it's EMDR therapy.
11:32
SPEAKER_04: I'm sure you've discussed with your audience before.
11:34
SPEAKER_04: And so you go through your timeline of your life and you talk about certain kind of pivotal moments, let's say, very strong emotional moments.
11:42
SPEAKER_04: And I was talking about an emotional moment that I remember, and this was in seventh or eighth grade.
11:49
SPEAKER_04: And as I was talking about it with my therapist, I finally had this light bulb moment where I said, Oh my gosh, I'm the decider.
11:57
SPEAKER_04: I literally said, I'm the decider of my worth.
12:01
SPEAKER_04: And I'm sure my therapist was like jumping for joy, like, she finally gets it.
12:05
SPEAKER_04: Right.
12:05
SPEAKER_04: Like I probably been working with her a couple of years at that point.
12:08
SPEAKER_04: And she's like, aha, she finally understands that I'm in charge.
12:12
SPEAKER_04: And kind of there is some healing to be had.
12:14
SPEAKER_04: And a lot of people to kind of do some, I don't do that as much with my clients, but there are providers out there who do some of that history work and they go back and find the point in their life that was so important that they realized that was the moment they needed to take ownership over and that would have changed their trajectory.
12:31
SPEAKER_04: Now, here's the beauty of it, it's never too late, right?
12:34
SPEAKER_04: You you can even in the present moment just say, you know what?
12:37
SPEAKER_04: I'm tired of not feeling good about myself.
12:40
SPEAKER_04: I'm tired of feeling judged by others or feeling a fear of rejection.
12:45
SPEAKER_04: And today's the day I'm finally gonna like step into it and own it and really like realize that my worth, there is nobody else that gets to side your worth.
12:55
SPEAKER_04: Only, only you get to decide your worth.
12:57
SPEAKER_04: And there is like this piece where part of our worth or our the worth is it's a gift, right?
13:04
SPEAKER_04: Like that's not really up for debate, in my opinion.
13:07
SPEAKER_04: And this is me speaking from my faith perspective that I believe that God created us and only he gets to decide that we have worth because we are his creation.
13:16
SPEAKER_04: If you're not a believer, whatever, that's okay too, because maybe you believe that your life is still a gift in some way, maybe by the universe or whatnot.
13:25
SPEAKER_04: And so there's this piece that it we don't get to like negotiate that, right?
13:30
SPEAKER_04: It is a gift that we just have to accept that we are worthy, but there is a gap.
13:36
SPEAKER_04: So there's this gap between who we like think we are, like we think we're worthy, but to feel worthy, right?
13:43
SPEAKER_04: That is the piece that's so many that we're lacking.
13:46
SPEAKER_04: And so that is the part that I work on as a coach to connect those two places.
13:51
SPEAKER_04: Like I can conceptually understand this, but how can I live my life and feel that and actually do the actions that go along with that?
13:59
SPEAKER_01: Well, I love everything you just said.
14:01
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely fantastic.
14:03
SPEAKER_01: You know, you know, I think it it kind of comes down to some to some extent value, right?
14:10
SPEAKER_01: What how you what you think you how you're valuable.
14:13
SPEAKER_01: So I want I I want to ask this question.
14:15
SPEAKER_01: It's it's I think it's super important because I I think it can be dangerous, right?
14:21
SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm gonna not say teenagers, I know you're working with college and you know of that age group as well.
14:27
SPEAKER_01: So when a when a young adult gets praise for grades and sports, appearance, being responsible, being easy for that matter, or talented, what at what point can positive reinforcement accidentally teach them this is why I'm valuable?
14:43
SPEAKER_04: That is so funny that you're asking me that because there is such a blurry line, right?
14:51
SPEAKER_04: If our child scores a goal or touchdown or whatnot have you, gets an A, we want to celebrate.
14:57
SPEAKER_04: That is so exciting.
14:59
SPEAKER_04: Oh my gosh, why would we not?
15:01
SPEAKER_04: We would be insane to not do that.
15:03
SPEAKER_04: And and so, yes, you're the question is like, how at what point does that become a dangerous message?
15:12
SPEAKER_04: And so it's like, are you balancing that with the opposite message or not the opposite, but kind of a parallel message of I unconditionally love you even on a Tuesday when you're not scoring a goal and when you got a C?
15:25
SPEAKER_04: I I'm here for you no matter what, even on a Sunday when you forgot to do your homework and now you're up till midnight, right?
15:32
SPEAKER_04: Like if you can balance the celebration with the other pieces that prove that you matter, you belong, you're enough, you're important.
15:41
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely love that answer.
15:42
SPEAKER_01: So, where do you as a parent, as a family member, it doesn't have to be a parent, as a family member if you've never really thought about it before, because most of us don't, right?
15:55
SPEAKER_01: I'll I'll be the first one to raise my hand and say, Yeah, I didn't think about that.
15:59
SPEAKER_01: Can I praise kids and my kids for doing other stuff?
16:02
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, uh not just scoring goals or pinning a kid, you know, on the mat.
16:06
SPEAKER_01: So, you know, where where would you say is the place to start?
16:10
SPEAKER_01: Because teenagers are very perceptive.
16:13
SPEAKER_01: And I think that if all of a sudden you just make this massive switch, they're almost gonna not trust it.
16:19
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
16:20
SPEAKER_01: So what would you say would be a great way just to start?
16:24
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, and I love that framing because they do have the biggest BS meters in the world.
16:28
SPEAKER_04: They will see this a mile away if you start doing things drastically differently.
16:33
SPEAKER_04: And so that's the answer is right there, which is it could just be a small comment, like, oh wow, you worked really hard on that, right?
16:40
SPEAKER_04: And so this is the whole concept of growth mindset where we're praising the effort, not the outcome.
16:46
SPEAKER_04: Or, oh my gosh, that's amazing.
16:47
SPEAKER_04: You took that risk and you are gonna ask that girl to the homecoming dance.
16:52
SPEAKER_04: Oh my gosh, like who cares if she says no, right?
16:54
SPEAKER_04: Like you took this risk, right?
16:56
SPEAKER_04: And so it's all about these small daily moments of connection and noticing what they're doing that will go so far.
17:04
SPEAKER_04: It doesn't have to be this dramatic change, and it could be just something subtle over time.
17:09
SPEAKER_04: And before you know it, you know, if you just think of like little pieces of sand going into a glass, right?
17:14
SPEAKER_04: Like these things just over time they build up, and that is the kind of one of the most game-changing things a parent can do, to be honest.
17:23
unknown: Yeah.
17:24
SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
17:25
SPEAKER_01: When you when you're talking about it, I'm I'm just sitting there thinking about generational change.
17:29
SPEAKER_01: When when you choose as as again a family member to start.
17:34
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
17:35
SPEAKER_01: So so talk about that a little bit.
17:37
SPEAKER_01: I mean, our our past, you know, or what we learned and and so on, how does that affect your your children, your family members moving forward, and then that next generation?
17:50
SPEAKER_04: Right.
17:51
SPEAKER_04: Well, so like kind of that first piece is always awareness, right?
17:54
SPEAKER_04: Like understanding your history and what the values were in your family and what kind of got you love or attention or praise or recognition, and then realizing that that is probably your operating system that you, you know, you've been running all these years.
18:09
SPEAKER_04: And then this is like the most exciting time is like if you, you know, and some people had amazing childhoods and they're like, I just want to parent the same way I got parented.
18:19
SPEAKER_04: My parents were amazing, then great, right?
18:21
SPEAKER_04: But but I I don't have a statistic, but probably more of us have had, you know, something that they do want to change if they're a parent or even an aunt or an uncle or a teacher, you don't have kids, but you're a teacher, right?
18:32
SPEAKER_04: Like, how do you want to show up for your kids?
18:34
SPEAKER_04: This isn't always about just kind of that direct trans transmission of emotion to your child children, but it's just having that piece of awareness of like, oh wow, this is how I felt being raised, and this is the change I want to make in my family.
18:47
SPEAKER_04: And I don't want my kids to have to feel that same pressure of they have to be, right?
18:52
SPEAKER_04: This is where a lot of perfectionism comes from.
18:54
SPEAKER_04: And they don't want to disappoint their parents.
18:56
SPEAKER_04: And then there's a lot of anxiety behind that, and then there's a lot of procrastination because they're like, oh, if I can't do it right, you know, it's not just schoolwork, but just anything, I don't want to do it at all.
19:06
SPEAKER_04: And then you get a lot of shutdown with kids.
19:09
SPEAKER_04: And we have parents who are complaining about their kids being on video games all the time and getting nothing wrong with some games here and there, right?
19:15
SPEAKER_04: Nothing wrong with that at all.
19:17
SPEAKER_04: It's just if it does take over your child's life, which I've seen that happen quite a bit, right?
19:21
SPEAKER_04: What are they escaping?
19:22
SPEAKER_04: What are they avoiding?
19:24
SPEAKER_04: And and the very thing that the parents are yelling them about, like, get out, go do something, uh, is the very thing that they're avoiding is you because they don't want to disappoint you.
19:33
SPEAKER_01: Right.
19:34
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's that's an amazing point, I gotta say, truly, because we don't think of we're not thinking that, you know, generally as as parents, and I'm not speaking for the world, obviously, but and I think also, you know, I mean, I had an emotion, I had trauma, I had things growing up, right?
19:50
SPEAKER_01: I think everybody would could say that to some extent.
19:53
SPEAKER_01: And I hope not.
19:54
SPEAKER_01: I hope not, right?
19:55
SPEAKER_01: But I mean, I could go through my life and see it multiple times, but I always I I think I always knew that you know, my mother, for instance, was always doing the best she could for who she was at the time.
20:06
SPEAKER_01: You know, so was there things that I would have changed, absolutely, which and I did with my kids, but what I want people to think about right now also is you're not perfect, neither were there, neither were they.
20:19
SPEAKER_01: And here's the beauty of it is if you don't try something, if you get stuck in analysis paralysis or scared to try something, you're never gonna know.
20:29
SPEAKER_01: You're never gonna know.
20:30
SPEAKER_01: So, you know, take that step forward and and try it, pivot if you need to, but but try.
20:37
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
20:40
SPEAKER_04: You know, yes, I sometimes I I I have had clients where I just challenge them to try something even for an hour, right?
20:47
SPEAKER_04: Because it feels so foreign to them.
20:50
SPEAKER_03: Totally, totally.
20:51
SPEAKER_04: Okay, we don't have to change your whole life, but let's just try it for an hour.
20:54
SPEAKER_04: Just try putting on what this feels like to be feeling good about yourself and whatever the other changes might be.
21:00
SPEAKER_04: It could be really anything, to be honest, but it sometimes, you know, it's kind of like the classic New Year's Eve resolutions get dropped by January 19th, like Quitter's Day or whatever, because it's too massive.
21:11
SPEAKER_04: It's too much, it's too big.
21:14
SPEAKER_04: And so it's like, let's just try and exercising for an hour.
21:17
SPEAKER_04: Okay, let's try it again the next day.
21:19
SPEAKER_04: Let's try it again the next day and don't right and break it down into smaller pieces.
21:23
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I absolutely absolutely love that.
21:25
SPEAKER_01: Um, so you know, I kind of want to flip this just a little bit.
21:28
SPEAKER_01: Parents naturally, you know, want to protect their kids from bad decisions, right?
21:32
SPEAKER_01: And this is a big one, I think.
21:34
SPEAKER_01: But what if constantly like rescuing them, cracking them, or scaring them?
21:39
SPEAKER_01: You know, we kind of unintentionally communicate that I don't trust you to figure it out yourself.
21:43
SPEAKER_01: And I think that that app you're talking about might play into this.
21:47
SPEAKER_04: Oh, yes, absolutely.
21:49
SPEAKER_04: The the Life 360.
21:50
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
21:51
SPEAKER_04: I I mean, I always say I there's a non negotiable when it comes to physical safety, right?
21:56
SPEAKER_04: So if if you need to use that because your child is an app.
22:00
SPEAKER_04: Absolute like disaster driving or whatever it is, okay, fine, right?
22:04
SPEAKER_04: Maybe like those people get some type of exception, right?
22:06
SPEAKER_04: Because I want to make sure physical safety is always a top priority.
22:11
SPEAKER_04: Besides that, yeah, it parents don't like to see their kids make mistakes for a variety of reasons.
22:19
SPEAKER_04: One, could it be an embarrassment to the family?
22:22
SPEAKER_04: Number two, what kind of cleanup work are we gonna have to do to fix this after the mistake?
22:27
SPEAKER_04: Number three, you're wasting a bunch of time because if you just do what I tell you to do, then it'll work out better anyway.
22:33
SPEAKER_04: Right.
22:35
SPEAKER_04: Um and so some parents have this idea of this just like very straight line and this trajectory and go do what I say, and it'll be great.
22:41
SPEAKER_04: Most likely that's not gonna work out.
22:43
SPEAKER_04: And in fact, you are harming your child.
22:45
SPEAKER_04: And parents don't like to hear that, but it there's just, I it's not my it is my opinion, but it's also the I have my opinion because of the research.
22:53
SPEAKER_04: The research shows that the more a child it's called autonomy support, feels that they are supported in their autonomy, meaning being able to make their own decisions, being able to make mistakes, being able to do things that maybe aren't 100% to the approval of the parents.
23:10
SPEAKER_04: But the more they are supported in that, the more confident your child will be, the more resilient they will be, the more empowered they will be.
23:18
SPEAKER_04: So when they do mess up or do make a mistake, they can actually self-correct themselves and they don't need you swooping in and rescuing them.
23:24
SPEAKER_01: I love that so much.
23:25
SPEAKER_01: And I I just I'm gonna start this and I want you to finish it.
23:30
SPEAKER_01: In life, we learn from mistakes.
23:34
SPEAKER_01: That's I mean, go back and learn.
23:36
SPEAKER_01: Um go back and and you know, think about your life, right?
23:39
SPEAKER_01: And I do it with myself all the time.
23:42
SPEAKER_01: What I thought was right 10 years ago or 10 years before that, I'm gonna stop going back 10 years and I want to figure out how old I am.
23:49
SPEAKER_01: Um, but I got a lot of learning under my belt.
23:53
SPEAKER_01: So it's it's I think it's so important.
23:55
SPEAKER_01: And I didn't realize this when I was parenting.
23:58
SPEAKER_01: You know, I learned this unfortunately after that you know, there's a movie because I said so.
24:04
SPEAKER_01: And Diane Keaton is you know going having a meltdown with her kids, and she's saying, What I'm just supposed to watch you walk off a cliff.
24:13
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about.
24:16
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, and it's it that stuck with me so much, you know.
24:20
SPEAKER_01: Just just I think it put it in such a perspective, you know.
24:23
SPEAKER_01: But if you don't, they don't learn, you know.
24:25
SPEAKER_01: So I absolutely love that and mature and get confidence, like you were saying.
24:29
SPEAKER_01: So I love what you said.
24:31
SPEAKER_01: I can't believe it's we're almost done.
24:34
SPEAKER_01: Um so I do I do want to touch base on this.
24:36
SPEAKER_01: So uh you teach that thoughts influence feelings.
24:39
SPEAKER_01: I think feelings and and obviously thoughts are are so important.
24:44
SPEAKER_01: So which influence sorry, you teach that thoughts influence feelings.
24:48
SPEAKER_01: I want to read this directly.
24:49
SPEAKER_01: Which influence behavior I did it wrong again.
24:53
SPEAKER_01: So you I was gonna say you teach the thoughts that influence feelings, which influence behavior and then of course results, right?
25:00
SPEAKER_01: So when a team's internal thought is there's something wrong with me, what does that belief really start creating in their life before anyone else even notices it?
25:11
SPEAKER_04: So if they have an internal dialogue of there's something wrong with me, ma'am, that's a recipe for a disaster.
25:17
SPEAKER_02: Um that's why I want to bring it up.
25:20
SPEAKER_02: Let's talk about a recipe for a disaster, shall we?
25:23
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, let's go right into it.
25:25
SPEAKER_04: I mean, really, no good can come of that.
25:27
SPEAKER_04: Uh to me, it's obvious.
25:30
SPEAKER_04: Because then they're gonna just they're they're gonna embody those feelings.
25:34
SPEAKER_04: They're gonna do the right think feel do have, they're gonna do those actions that go along with that that belief and that thought.
25:40
SPEAKER_04: And and then the result is is gonna stink and then stink meaning just negative, something bad.
25:44
SPEAKER_04: And then that in that reinforces the cycle.
25:46
SPEAKER_04: So think feel do have.
25:48
SPEAKER_04: And the thing is, is like, yes, I always usually start with think or the belief, but we can start anywhere on the cycle.
25:56
SPEAKER_04: If we want to just start, like a lot of people, their philosophy is motivation doesn't start with thought, it starts with action.
26:02
SPEAKER_04: So first you have to put on your running shoes and go for a walk, and then you might feel a like going out for exercise, right?
26:07
SPEAKER_04: Then you might think, oh, good, I'm glad I'm out here.
26:09
SPEAKER_04: I feel better now, right?
26:11
SPEAKER_04: Sometimes you just have to jump ahead to the do part.
26:14
SPEAKER_04: And so, really, honestly, it doesn't matter where you start, but if you're having this awareness of like, you know, the this negative thinking, it does play out very negatively.
26:25
SPEAKER_04: And so it's like, I guess your next question is, well, how do you circumvent that?
26:28
SPEAKER_04: How do you correct that or fix it or or even notice it, right?
26:31
SPEAKER_04: Because if you have a teen or a young adult, they're not gonna walk around being like, I don't, I don't think I'm good enough, right?
26:38
SPEAKER_04: They're not gonna announce it to the world.
26:41
SPEAKER_04: Parents are just gonna have to notice the behaviors or notice like, oh my gosh, like my child's really struggling.
26:46
SPEAKER_04: How do I change this or fix this and hire a coach like me?
26:51
SPEAKER_04: Or um if that's not available, but that would be my first pick.
26:54
SPEAKER_04: If that's not if that's not available, most, I mean, the thing is I look at it as a family as a system, and most likely there is something happening in that family system that is creating that environment for the child to have those thoughts.
27:09
SPEAKER_04: So this is gonna be some probably painful and difficult self-reflection on your part.
27:14
SPEAKER_04: And this isn't about blaming your spouse or even yourself.
27:18
SPEAKER_04: It's just about getting data, it's just about getting information.
27:22
SPEAKER_04: Like, can I kind of understand why my child might have this message about themselves and where do I think that this originated from?
27:30
SPEAKER_04: And then go back to, and what can I do now?
27:33
SPEAKER_04: Right?
27:34
SPEAKER_04: Because we're not gonna feel guilt and shame about what we may have done in the past, because that's not gonna help anybody.
27:40
SPEAKER_04: It's just getting some data, having some awareness.
27:43
SPEAKER_04: What can I do now?
27:44
SPEAKER_04: And that goes back to the growth mindset piece we talked about earlier, where maybe we're just noticing, even if it's the smallest thing, I don't care how small it all is.
27:54
SPEAKER_04: Oh, cool, you got to school on time today.
27:57
SPEAKER_04: That's awesome.
27:58
SPEAKER_04: Like, high five, right?
28:00
SPEAKER_04: Oh, cool, you are starting your homework at six o'clock.
28:04
SPEAKER_04: And I don't, I'm kind of being silly here, but I don't mean to say in any type of a mocking tone or more an observation.
28:12
SPEAKER_04: Like, I noticed you you opened your folder at six o'clock instead of nine.
28:16
SPEAKER_04: I feel so excited that you're gonna be able to get to bed sooner.
28:20
SPEAKER_04: And you know, is this something you think you can continue?
28:22
SPEAKER_04: Or what caused you to do this earlier?
28:25
SPEAKER_04: And and you're always gonna get the best feedback from your kid if you ask a question that's not a yes, no, not a closed question, but an open question and and just listen and allow them to share.
28:36
SPEAKER_04: You take in the information and then you don't try to fix it, correct it, change it, judge it, anything.
28:41
SPEAKER_04: You just take it as data from them and just notice the effort.
28:45
SPEAKER_01: I love it.
28:46
SPEAKER_01: I remember VNU teller, be curious, not critical.
28:49
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
28:49
SPEAKER_01: It's a game changer.
28:50
SPEAKER_01: So thank you, VNU, for bringing that into our lives.
28:53
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
28:54
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
28:54
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, absolutely love what you said though.
28:57
SPEAKER_01: So I I do want to ask one more question and we'll close out.
29:00
SPEAKER_01: Are you okay going a couple minutes over if we need to?
29:02
SPEAKER_03: Absolutely, yeah.
29:03
SPEAKER_03: Fantastic.
29:03
SPEAKER_01: So you work both with teens and parents, and and this this may rub people the wrong way, but here it is.
29:11
SPEAKER_01: How often is the identity struggle we see in the teenager actually colliding with an unresolved identity struggle in the parent?
29:19
SPEAKER_04: I wish I could be so blunt as to collect that data.
29:23
SPEAKER_04: So this is just an pure opinion and observation on my part.
29:26
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
29:27
SPEAKER_04: Um, I believe 100%.
29:30
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
29:31
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
29:32
SPEAKER_01: It's and I think a lot of people don't really realize, you know, again, as a parent, that that's even happening themselves, right?
29:40
SPEAKER_01: Until they they lean in intentionally and do some work.
29:43
SPEAKER_01: So I I love that.
29:45
SPEAKER_01: And very strong 100%.
29:47
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I mean, emphatically, I I because it logically only makes sense, right?
29:53
SPEAKER_04: Like your kid is not raised in this little test tube vacuum situation where we're just praising or like feeding them like positive thoughts about themselves.
30:01
SPEAKER_04: Like they learn from you from the time they are born.
30:05
SPEAKER_04: How are you talking about yourself?
30:06
SPEAKER_04: How are you talking about the family?
30:08
SPEAKER_04: What are your biggest concerns?
30:09
SPEAKER_04: Are you worried mostly about the family image and your social media pictures from your vacation?
30:14
SPEAKER_04: Or are you worried about spending quality time with your kids, right?
30:17
SPEAKER_04: Like everything we do gives a message that they are interpreting.
30:22
SPEAKER_04: And sometimes, granted, sometimes they misinterpret it, right?
30:25
SPEAKER_04: Like they are they interpret it in different ways from our intentions, right?
30:29
SPEAKER_04: So it doesn't always, it's not always like that smooth process.
30:32
SPEAKER_04: But for the most part part, from the time we are born, we are internalizing the messages of the family.
30:38
SPEAKER_04: And yeah, so that's why the 100% was a pretty easy answer.
30:42
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, absolutely.
30:42
SPEAKER_01: And I agree, I agree.
30:44
SPEAKER_01: So, Laura, you know, preparing schools or or families who connect with this message, what's the best way for them to learn more about the decider, your coaching, uh, speaking at the positively healthy podcast?
30:56
SPEAKER_01: Or, you know, I know you're doing a lot, so those are just a couple, but I'm really excited about also what you're doing and moving into schools and that kind of thing as well.
31:04
SPEAKER_01: So, talk how do people reach out to you?
31:06
SPEAKER_04: And yeah, the easiest way is just my website, positively healthycoaching.com, and all roads lead to Rome, I guess you could say from there.
31:14
SPEAKER_04: So I've got my coaching, I've got my speaking to schools, and my podcast is also on there.
31:19
SPEAKER_01: Fantastic.
31:20
SPEAKER_01: As we know, time is the most precious resource we have as human beings, we don't get it back.
31:25
SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Laura, you know, for spending this time with us and helping our mission and really making a difference.
31:31
SPEAKER_04: Thank you.
31:32
SPEAKER_04: Yes, thank you for having me.
31:33
SPEAKER_04: I really appreciate it.
31:34
SPEAKER_01: You're always invited, my dear friend.
31:36
SPEAKER_01: Always.
31:36
SPEAKER_01: Anytime, just reach out.
31:37
SPEAKER_01: Um, if something in today's conversation resonated with you, don't just move on to the next thing.
31:43
SPEAKER_01: Sit with it for a minute.
31:44
SPEAKER_01: And here's the thing, guys, we we dropped a lot today.
31:47
SPEAKER_01: I mean, for really internal inflection to change today, you know, and start taking that one action, taking that one step when you sit there and realize, you know, hey, I can make a difference, I can change this, not just for me, but for my kids and my grandkids and moving on.
32:04
SPEAKER_01: So just sit with it a minute.
32:05
SPEAKER_01: I do ask, you know, just you know if it can, you know.
32:09
SPEAKER_01: So and if you know someone, of course, who needs to hear this, and I don't know anyone that doesn't hear this episode with them.
32:16
SPEAKER_01: You can also join us, of course, at your thoughts your reality.com, where we continue these conversations around identity, transition, resilience, and of course, work.
32:25
SPEAKER_01: And remember, your thoughts take your reality.
32:28
SPEAKER_01: Rad again.
32:33
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for joining us on another insightful journey of Your Thoughts Your Reality Podcast with your host, Michael Cole.
32:40
SPEAKER_00: We hope the conversation sparks some thoughts that resonate with you.
32:44
SPEAKER_00: To dive deeper into empowering your thoughts and enhancing your reality, visit Empower Performance Strategies.com.
32:51
SPEAKER_00: Remember, your thoughts shape your reality, so make them count.
32:55
SPEAKER_00: Until next time, stay inspired and keep creating the reality you desire.
33:00
SPEAKER_00: Catch you on the next episode.