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Sexual Boundaries and Cell Phones - 241 · Marriage Life and More and Bible Study

• 0:00
  Daniel Moore: This episode covers some adult-themed material in nature.
• 0:03
  Daniel Moore: If you have young ones around, I'd pop in my earbuds or listen to this when you are by yourself.
• 0:08
  Daniel Moore: Listener.
• 0:09
  Daniel Moore: Discretion is advised.
• 0:18
  Michelle Moore: I didn't respect that boundary of you saying I don't want to talk about it right now, and I know that was my personality.
• 0:27
  Michelle Moore: I want to fix it now.
• 0:28
  Michelle Moore: I want to fix it now, let's get this done, you know, and get past it.
• 0:31
  Michelle Moore: And there are a lot of times that you have to process.
• 0:35
  Michelle Moore: And now, I mean even now, I'm like, oh, he'll process it and we'll talk about it later.
• 0:40
  Michelle Moore: You know it's because I've gotten to know you and that's a healthy boundary that you set for yourself.
• 0:48
  Daniel Moore: This week on Marriage Life and More.
• 0:49
  Daniel Moore: We're going to pick up where we left off last week, as we continued our discussion on boundaries.
• 0:54
  Daniel Moore: We're going to talk about some emotional, verbal boundaries and much more this week.
• 0:58
  Daniel Moore: We'll be back with that right after this.
• 1:01
  Daniel Moore: Welcome to Marriage Life and More.
• 1:37
  Daniel Moore: This is a podcast about marriage, bible and book studies.
• 1:40
  Daniel Moore: We interview people sometimes that have inspiring stories.
• 1:43
  Daniel Moore: I'm Daniel Moore, your host, and I have my beautiful wife, michelle, my co-host, sitting over here.
• 1:47
  Daniel Moore: Hey, hey, and we just want to thank you guys for joining us this week.
• 1:51
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• 1:53
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• 1:56
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• 1:58
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• 2:03
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• 2:13
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• 2:17
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• 2:27
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• 2:42
  Daniel Moore: So last week we talked about several different things about how God is right in the middle of our boundaries and what happens if we choose to ignore those divine boundaries that God has set in place with us.
• 2:53
  Daniel Moore: How our boundaries that we put in place actually mirrors the boundaries that God puts in place for us.
• 2:59
  Daniel Moore: We covered a lot of territory.
• 3:01
  Michelle Moore: We did.
• 3:01
  Daniel Moore: Last week and it was a very good episode, so if you missed that, you might want to make sure you go check that out.
• 3:06
  Daniel Moore: And this week we're going to continue with our discussion here on boundaries on marriage life and more.
• 3:13
  Daniel Moore: So as we get started this week, we're going to dig a little deeper here into some different areas of boundaries in our life and we'll ask some questions and hopefully get some answers here.
• 3:31
  Daniel Moore: So the first ones that we're going to be talking about are emotional and verbal boundaries.
• 3:37
  Michelle Moore: This is going to be so good.
• 3:39
  Michelle Moore: Can't wait for it.
• 3:45
  Daniel Moore: So the first statement is speaking truth in love.
• 3:58
  Daniel Moore: And I think sometimes within marriages, as I think about this statement, there's a lot of times, especially when we get more used to each other and we get more loose with our tongue and, you know, the arguments flow a little bit easier than what they used to because we've been around each other a lot longer.
• 4:06
  Daniel Moore: Sometimes it's really hard sometimes to get to an argument and keep it in a loving manner.
• 4:12
  Daniel Moore: We like to be accusatory, I think, is the word.
• 4:16
  Daniel Moore: We like to accuse each other.
• 4:18
  Daniel Moore: You know, instead of you know how we talked about the difference between you know complaining, between complaining, not complaining towards our spouse, that that's not constructive at all.
• 4:30
  Daniel Moore: There's things that sometimes we say that are very hurtful and in the heat of the moment when we're upset and we're aggravated, it's easy to cross those boundaries that we've put into place for that specific moment and it's easy to not speak in love towards each other.
• 4:49
  Daniel Moore: Right, and so in marriage, emotional and verbal boundaries are essential because they guide us to speak truth and love, balancing honesty with compassion.
• 4:59
  Daniel Moore: Speaking truth without love can be harsh and damaging, while love without truth can enable dysfunction and honesty.
• 5:07
  Daniel Moore: So we'll come back to that, because that's a deep little statement right there.
• 5:10
  Daniel Moore: When we set emotional and verbal boundaries, we choose to communicate with respect, clarity and self-control, even in conflict.
• 5:19
  Daniel Moore: This means expressing needs, concerns and hurts without attacking, blaming or withdrawing.
• 5:27
  Daniel Moore: That's some of the common things that happens when we start going after each other in a marital relationship.
• 5:33
  Daniel Moore: Ephesians 4.15 calls us to speak the truth in love, which reflects God's heart, that offers correction, encouragement and honesty in a way that builds up the other person rather than tearing them down.
• 5:45
  Daniel Moore: So we're going to unpack this paragraph.
• 5:47
  Daniel Moore: Okay, the first thing that I want to bring up here is we, as I was going through that there.
• 6:01
  Daniel Moore: The first statement speaking truth without love can be harsh and damaging, while love without truth can enable dysfunction or honesty.
• 6:13
  Michelle Moore: It says dishonesty or dishonesty.
• 6:16
  Daniel Moore: Yes, let me repeat that Speaking truth without love can be harsh and damaging, while love without truth can enable dysfunction or dishonesty, and I might have said that wrong earlier, I don't know.
• 6:28
  Daniel Moore: So, when you think about that statement in your past experiences, what can you say about that?
• 6:40
  Michelle Moore: It's very hurtful.
• 6:41
  Michelle Moore: It's very hurtful.
• 6:42
  Michelle Moore: You know, I come from a previous relationship where there was no love, everything was harsh and damaging and half of it wasn't even my fault, but it was always my fault and a lot of narcissism involved.
• 7:00
  Michelle Moore: And in our marriage, you know, there's been a lot of times that I've seen even you say things that repeat of that.
• 7:08
  Michelle Moore: Yes, and even myself included.
• 7:11
  Michelle Moore: I've been, I've done it myself, so, and it is, it is very dysfunctional in so many ways and it's it is very hurtful and it's harmful to marriage and relationships in general.
• 7:27
  Daniel Moore: Well, I think what I see here in this is, you know, when there is an issue that comes up between a husband and a wife, there is a truth within that issue that needs to be put forth.
• 7:40
  Daniel Moore: Typically, either one spouse or the other one is wrong, or both of them are wrong to a certain degree, otherwise the argument wouldn't be happening, and so what it comes down to is again we're going to throw this, this word, out there communication that seems to come up so often, but really a lot of the things within our marital issues that we have stems from bad communication, and sometimes we communicate, but we communicate badly.
• 8:10
  Daniel Moore: You know, it's just, it depends on how you look at that.
• 8:13
  Daniel Moore: And so whenever there is a issue that needs to be resolved, so when we come to the conclusion of that and finally work that problem out, that means we finally came to the truth of that matter.
• 8:25
  Daniel Moore: Right, right, right.
• 8:27
  Daniel Moore: So once we came to the truth of that matter between each other and we've resolved that issue, then we've both, hopefully, grown and become better in our relationship towards each other, and we move on Right Until the next mishap comes up.
• 8:41
  Daniel Moore: And so sometimes, though, people don't want to hear that truth, you know, especially if, if somebody is really susceptible to kicking themselves into a mode of trying to defend themselves, they become defensive.
• 8:57
  Daniel Moore: You know if, if one spouse sees what's going on but it really gives a bad look to the other spouse and when that spouse brings it up, if they don't bring it up in the correct fashion, that other spouse can take offense to that and they can, they can kick into defensive mode and that creates a worse argument at that point, because there you have an issue, like we talked last week, you have an issue where one spouse, one spouse isn't owning what's happened.
• 9:24
  Daniel Moore: They're not owning their side of the equation, and so it is a very tricky slope, slippery slope that we have to cross there.
• 9:32
  Daniel Moore: Whenever we do come up with these issues between spouses, where we have to try to communicate through a problem, try to get the truth out there, to where each spouse can see the truth of that matter, but still show each other that, hey, I still love you unconditionally through all of this, you know, and so it can kind of hopefully keep the the the height of the anger down a little bit.
• 9:57
  Daniel Moore: There's a flip side to that, where we can love somebody so much that we don't want to rock the boat and we talked about that a little bit last week also.
• 10:05
  Daniel Moore: But if we do love someone that we don't want to come out with the exact truth of what's going on and we just beat around the bush with stuff, does that fix the problem?
• 10:15
  Daniel Moore: No, that creates dysfunction and it creates dishonesty.
• 10:19
  Daniel Moore: Because what's going to happen is, if you're not going to be truthful about the real problem and the real issue, you're just putting on a bandaid.
• 10:28
  Michelle Moore: Right.
• 10:28
  Daniel Moore: And sooner or later that bandaid is going to not stick anymore and fall off and you're still going to have that wound there and if it's not healed yet, then it's going to get infected.
• 10:37
  Daniel Moore: You know how that goes.
• 10:38
  Daniel Moore: You got to start medicating it, put on another bandaid, and it's a continuing process like that and that little spot never goes away, right.
• 10:57
  Daniel Moore: And so that's what happens in our marriages.
• 10:58
  Daniel Moore: We have to figure out between the two of us when we have issues and we have verbal things that come up between each other other, you know, not in a condemning way or, you know, complaining way or whatever but a way that we can both put the issue out there and then start at the root of that and try to work our way through it in love.
• 11:14
  Daniel Moore: And that's when you start having the transformation in your marriage and you're able to fix issues and move on.
• 11:20
  Daniel Moore: It's never good to just beat around the bush and be that passive spouse that only will tell you half the truth and keep the rest in secret and not say anything, because then there's something there that just festers and it just continues to grow and be a bigger and bigger problem.
• 11:37
  Daniel Moore: So when we set these emotional and verbal boundaries in place between each other.
• 11:43
  Daniel Moore: As we stated, that's when we choose to communicate with respect, clarity and self-control, and that's hard to do in conflicts.
• 11:52
  Daniel Moore: You know a lot of times we lose control, Right, If the other spouse says something to trigger us and make us mad, we just fly off the handle.
• 11:59
  Daniel Moore: It's real easy to do that.
• 12:01
  Daniel Moore: It's real easy to do that.
• 12:03
  Daniel Moore: But that means that we have to be able to express the needs, and you know the hurts that might have taken place with what happened.
• 12:13
  Daniel Moore: You know the problems, the concerns that are there involved with all of that.
• 12:16
  Daniel Moore: We need to make sure that we keep respect in place for each other during that conversation.
• 12:21
  Daniel Moore: There's got to be clarity.
• 12:23
  Daniel Moore: So, we've got to make sure that we put the full truth out there of how I feel, how you feel.
• 12:28
  Daniel Moore: We need to get that all out in the open, not holding anything back, so that we can start working through these issues and keep our self-control during that time.
• 12:38
  Michelle Moore: And I think a lot of times your tone of voice will help you in that situation.
• 12:43
  Michelle Moore: You know it doesn't like it's.
• 12:45
  Michelle Moore: You're not attacking that person.
• 12:47
  Daniel Moore: So a lot of times when you had this happen before, do you feel like that?
• 12:51
  Daniel Moore: You withdrew.
• 12:52
  Michelle Moore: Oh, absolutely A lot of times.
• 12:53
  Daniel Moore: What was your response?
• 12:54
  Michelle Moore: I got to the point where it doesn't matter what I say, it doesn't matter how I feel, um, what?
• 13:01
  Michelle Moore: What's the purpose of even me speaking, saying my opinion or even speaking the truth?
• 13:07
  Michelle Moore: It just got to the point.
• 13:08
  Michelle Moore: It's like yep, okay, yep, I did that, I'm sorry, you just become numb.
• 13:13
  Michelle Moore: And again, it's not healthy.
• 13:17
  Michelle Moore: But when you have one spouse that doesn't listen and the spouse won't take responsibility, it is very difficult in that situation.
• 13:27
  Michelle Moore: Again, that person is not in a healthy relationship with Christ.
• 13:31
  Michelle Moore: I mean personally, they can't be.
• 13:35
  Michelle Moore: You have to take some kind of responsibility.
• 13:39
  Michelle Moore: I mean, god, you're not perfect, nobody's perfect.
• 13:43
  Michelle Moore: And I mean I was just numb and there was multiple things out came into that.
• 13:51
  Daniel Moore: When you are treated that way, and I remember, when we first got together, you had been beat down so much.
• 13:58
  Daniel Moore: You're a completely different person now.
• 13:59
  Daniel Moore: Oh absolutely Than you was when I married you.
• 14:01
  Daniel Moore: Oh yeah, and you know, and I was friends with you during that time, you were married before, so I saw a lot of this that happened.
• 14:09
  Daniel Moore: I know a lot of that story and it is crazy how not that I'm a perfect husband or perfect person to be with but, looking at us now, where we're at at this point, looking, you know, versus what was there back then, even through my first marriage, it's amazing to me just how much we have grown and moved forward and we've changed so much in so many ways emotionally, physically, relationally, spiritually I mean in every aspect of our lives.
• 14:39
  Daniel Moore: What's crazy about this is when spouses have these issues where one's constantly being berated and beat down and talked down to, and that kind of thing that affects every aspect of your life.
• 14:51
  Daniel Moore: It doesn't just beat on one spot and you continue to grow in the other three areas.
• 14:55
  Michelle Moore: And you know and.
• 14:56
  Daniel Moore: I got to the point where I guess I just deserve this.
• 14:59
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 14:59
  Michelle Moore: You know, you get to that point of I mean, and I tried to have a relationship with Christ because I was just like it was the only thing that kept me.
• 15:08
  Daniel Moore: The only relationship you really had.
• 15:09
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, yeah.
• 15:11
  Daniel Moore: So we have to remember you know it's very important if we're going to have, if we're going to be married and have this relationship with a husband and a wife, then we have to make sure that we are capable to work through anything that may come up in that that lifetime that we're together.
• 15:27
  Daniel Moore: We have to learn how to speak with love through all of these situations, which we should be able to.
• 15:36
  Daniel Moore: I mean, we made those vows at the altar that you're the one I'm going to love and cherish and cleave to for the rest of my life, and we need to remember that.
• 15:42
  Daniel Moore: You know we don't.
• 15:43
  Daniel Moore: That's not something we should forget later on into our marriage.
• 15:47
  Daniel Moore: That's exactly God's design, right, and so we need to make sure you know God handles us that way, then, that he expects us to handle our bride and our groom that way.
• 15:57
  Daniel Moore: It's a reflection of that.
• 16:00
  Daniel Moore: The next statement here when we're talking about emotional and verbal boundaries.
• 16:04
  Daniel Moore: They protect both spouses from manipulation, guilt and disrespectful language by clearly defining what is acceptable and honoring in communication.
• 16:13
  Daniel Moore: Without these boundaries, one partner may try to control the other through guilt trips, passive-aggressive comments or harsh words which erode trust and emotional safety.
• 16:32
  Daniel Moore: Boundaries help couples recognize and stop these patterns by saying it's not okay to speak to me that way or I will not respond to manipulating and shaming.
• 16:44
  Daniel Moore: This isn't about punishing a spouse.
• 16:46
  Daniel Moore: It's about upholding a standard of love and respect that reflects God's heart for how we treat one another.
• 16:52
  Daniel Moore: Healthy boundaries create space for honest, constructive dialogue while guarding the relationship from emotional harm.
• 16:59
  Michelle Moore: That's so good.
• 16:59
  Michelle Moore: That's honestly.
• 17:01
  Daniel Moore: This paragraph is kind of about the narcissistic spouse to be quite honest, and we know some people that are in marriages right now that have very narcissistic spouses.
• 17:13
  Daniel Moore: But we can do this to our kids.
• 17:15
  Daniel Moore: You know.
• 17:15
  Daniel Moore: We can be narcissistic with our children and I think it even happens even more so in a blended, blended family, you know not realizing what you're doing Sometimes.
• 17:25
  Michelle Moore: sometimes you do, but sometimes you just don't.
• 17:28
  Michelle Moore: Yeah you just don't realize that you are doing that, and you know, and when you are realizing that you are doing this, shame on you Because it's it is not right and you know you need to take a step back and ask God to help you with that.
• 17:44
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 17:44
  Michelle Moore: I mean, I realize that sometimes that's the way we grew up and that's the only way that we know, but then God didn't want us to be that way.
• 17:52
  Michelle Moore: That's not what marriage or relationships are about.
• 17:55
  Daniel Moore: Well, as I was getting ready to say, I've seen it.
• 17:57
  Daniel Moore: Growing up, my parents had moments that they treated each other like this.
• 18:01
  Daniel Moore: I grew up in it yeah, and you did too, and it's not a good, healthy thing to be because it creates a lot of damage, and I didn't even recognize it for a long time, yeah, but a lot of times, whenever we guilt trip and, you know, have harsh words and stuff like that, I mean I feel like that we need to look at our spiritual life, because if we truly have God in our life and we have the love of Christ dwelling inside of us, then we typically don't treat people that way, and so there's something going on that's a little deeper in the root there that needs to be looked at.
• 18:41
  Daniel Moore: And again, whenever you treat a spouse like this and you know you're going to be trying to guilt trip them into believing the way you do, or manipulate them to get your way, or you're going to be doing harsh words or you know the passive, aggressive comments, just trying to force someone into doing something, having control of the whole situation, then that's not how God designed that marriage to be.
• 19:06
  Daniel Moore: You're not equal anymore, right, and so we have to really watch that.
• 19:11
  Daniel Moore: So how do we set healthy limits on communication without shutting down Share with what we have under that one?
• 19:22
  Michelle Moore: Healthy limits on communication without shutting down, by being honest about our emotional capacity while staying engaged in the relationship Instead of withdrawing or stonewalling.
• 19:34
  Michelle Moore: We can say things like, hey, I need a few minutes to calm down so we can talk well, or I want to work through this, but I need some time to process.
• 19:44
  Michelle Moore: First, this approach sets boundaries around how and when we communicate, protecting the conversation from escalating into hurtful words or unproductive arguments.
• 19:57
  Michelle Moore: It shows respect for other people's emotions while keeping the door open for resolution.
• 20:03
  Michelle Moore: Healthy elements aren't about avoiding communication.
• 20:06
  Michelle Moore: They're about creating the right conditions for it to be loving and respectful and effective.
• 20:12
  Michelle Moore: Wow, because there was a lot of times I'm like, let's talk about it now.
• 20:15
  Michelle Moore: And you needed your time.
• 20:17
  Michelle Moore: And I was like, no, you're going to talk to me now.
• 20:20
  Michelle Moore: And you're like I have nothing to say.
• 20:21
  Michelle Moore: And it's like what?
• 20:22
  Michelle Moore: You don't want to talk to me?
• 20:23
  Michelle Moore: And it's like, well, tell me your feelings.
• 20:25
  Michelle Moore: And you're like I don't want to talk about it.
• 20:26
  Michelle Moore: And I didn't respect that boundary of you saying I don't want to talk about it right now.
• 20:34
  Michelle Moore: And I know that was my personality.
• 20:37
  Michelle Moore: I want to fix it now.
• 20:38
  Michelle Moore: I want to fix it now.
• 20:39
  Michelle Moore: Let's get this done, you know, and get past it, and there are a lot of times that you have to process, and now I mean even now, I'm like, oh, he'll process it and we'll talk about it later.
• 20:50
  Michelle Moore: You know it's because I've gotten to know you and that's a healthy boundary that you set for yourself instead of and I probably should learn from it, because sometimes I just pop off and I'm like, oh, I probably shouldn't have said that that wasn't very nice, you know.
• 21:05
  Michelle Moore: Or and I don't do it that often I think I'm much better about it because of everything we've walked through in learning about boundaries ourselves.
• 21:15
  Michelle Moore: It's helped me and not only recognizing me, but you as a spouse what you need.
• 21:23
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, well, look, I can just share with people out there that my personality is just a laid back type of personality, and so I like to think I'm a thinker, I like to think through things and advice and, you know, think stuff through before I jump into anything and you, on the other hand, a lot of times just like to be right there.
• 21:49
  Daniel Moore: But that's usually how most marriages are.
• 21:51
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and it might be vice versa.
• 21:53
  Daniel Moore: The male may be the other way, the female the other way, whatever, but typically you're going to have opposites.
• 21:58
  Daniel Moore: Most generally, I will tell you from my side of it, if you try to force someone that is a laid back personality, like I have, you try to force them to go through that moment, right then and there, and discuss everything.
• 22:09
  Daniel Moore: When the emotions are really high and the anger level is through the roof, my response is going to be what you said yeah, I'm going to shut down, and then you're going to be a lot longer getting me to come back because I've already been attacked.
• 22:25
  Daniel Moore: So later on, when I am in the mood to talk about it, I'm going to be.
• 22:31
  Daniel Moore: I'm going to be a little bit wary about it at that point to come back, I'm thinking, ok, am I going to get attacked about this again.
• 22:36
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 22:37
  Daniel Moore: And so I'm going to have more of a tendency to not want to.
• 22:39
  Daniel Moore: And if I do talk about it, I may just beat around the bush.
• 22:43
  Daniel Moore: I'll be like earlier, like we were talking about earlier, about not being completely truthful, and so we're still not going to resolve the issue, whereas if you let a spouse that has that type of personality have their moment, that's going to show, ok, well, you do respect what I'm going to say.
• 22:59
  Daniel Moore: I just can't say it right now that you do respect that.
• 23:02
  Daniel Moore: And so once I cool off a little bit and I've had time to think and process this and try to go through in my mind what needs to be said and whatever I say, ok, I can talk now.
• 23:13
  Daniel Moore: Are you willing to talk now?
• 23:13
  Daniel Moore: And we can talk that thing through, and I feel like I have some respect in the conversation at that point.
• 23:17
  Michelle Moore: And this is not just for an argument for us.
• 23:20
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 23:20
  Michelle Moore: This is just like if we have a conversation about something and I'm like that and he's just like I need to think about this, you know, as long as he tells me, hey, I want to process this and I want to think about it.
• 23:33
  Michelle Moore: I know he's going to come back later and we're going to discuss it, but we do that a lot when it comes to big things in our marriage.
• 23:44
  Michelle Moore: We both take the time like, ok, I'll spout something off, and he'll say, ok, let me think about that and I'll be praying, he'll be praying, and then we come back together and we talk about you know, and I think that's very healthy for us, you know, and I've learned over the 20 plus years it's better for us.
• 24:01
  Daniel Moore: It works well in communication in general.
• 24:02
  Michelle Moore: But it's also a great boundary to have, I mean because it gives you both time.
• 24:07
  Michelle Moore: Hey, let's separate, let's pray about this, talk about it Now.
• 24:10
  Michelle Moore: That doesn't mean months and months and months, right.
• 24:13
  Daniel Moore: You can bring more wisdom to the conversation.
• 24:15
  Daniel Moore: Absolutely that way, absolutely.
• 24:17
  Daniel Moore: And it kind of brings us to this next question when is it right to say that I need space, or let's talk later.
• 24:22
  Daniel Moore: What have we got there?
• 24:25
  Michelle Moore: Well, especially when your emotions are running high and you're trying to continue the conversation.
• 24:30
  Michelle Moore: If you don't, it can lead to hurtful words, miscommunication or emotional shutdown, like we just talked about.
• 24:37
  Michelle Moore: Taking a pause is not avoiding the issue.
• 24:40
  Michelle Moore: It's choosing wisdom like we just said and self-control to protect the relationship.
• 24:45
  Michelle Moore: When said with honesty and a commitment to return to the conversation, it creates a space to cool down, think about things and come back with a clearer mind and a softer heart.
• 24:58
  Michelle Moore: That kind of boundary honors both spouses by recognizing the timing and the tone matter in the communication, and difficult conversations are most fruitful when approached with calm and mutual respect, like we just talked about.
• 25:16
  Daniel Moore: literally that one's very self-explanatory.
• 25:18
  Daniel Moore: Yes, you, just when we have our conversations and everything, we got to be adults.
• 25:23
  Daniel Moore: Yep, you know it's not easy, sometimes not easy to do that, but there is a proper way that we can approach things and have the best end result.
• 25:31
  Daniel Moore: Yep, that conversation.
• 25:33
  Michelle Moore: I'd agree with that.
• 25:48
  Daniel Moore: So as we move on to the next one here, it's physical and sexual boundaries.
• 25:50
  Daniel Moore: The first statement here is honoring the physical body, respect and consent, and this one is a tough one for a lot of couples.
• 25:58
  Daniel Moore: Physical and sexual boundaries in marriage are essential because they uphold the sacredness of the body and the mutual trust that intimacy requires.
• 26:05
  Daniel Moore: Honoring each other's physical body with respect and consent reflects God's design for love that is self-giving, not self-serving.
• 26:16
  Daniel Moore: Even within marriage, it's vital to communicate openly about comfort, desires and limits, recognizing that true intimacy is built on safety, not pressure.
• 26:23
  Daniel Moore: Consent isn't just about saying yes or no.
• 26:27
  Daniel Moore: It's about listening, valuing your spouse's feelings and never using affection or sex as a tool for control, guilt or manipulation.
• 26:35
  Daniel Moore: When both spouses treat each other's bodies with dignity and gentleness, they cultivate a physical connection that reflects love, trust and the image of Christ's sacrificial care.
• 26:47
  Daniel Moore: Sexual intimacy is mutual.
• 26:50
  Daniel Moore: It's not to be sourced.
• 26:51
  Daniel Moore: Sexual intimacy in marriage is designed by God to be mutual, loving and built on trust, not obligation or sourcing.
• 26:59
  Daniel Moore: Physical and sexual boundaries ensure that both spouses feel safe, valued and free to give themselves willingly, not out of fear, guilt or pressure.
• 27:08
  Daniel Moore: Sourcing even subtle or emotional damages the sacredness of intimacy, turning it from a gift into a demand.
• 27:16
  Daniel Moore: True marital love honors each person's body and voice, understanding that consent and mutual desire are essential for healthy intimacy.
• 27:25
  Daniel Moore: As 1 Corinthians 7 teaches, spouses are to give themselves to each other in love, not take from one another without regard.
• 27:33
  Daniel Moore: When physical boundaries are respected, sexual intimacy becomes a place of deep connection, not control, which is a reflection of Christlike love that honors, serves and protects.
• 27:46
  Daniel Moore: And you know this one here is a tough one for some people because, especially I see this happen a lot more with guys.
• 27:52
  Daniel Moore: They get married and you know that's mine, you know she's mine.
• 27:58
  Daniel Moore: They get this and that's true to an extent, but mine still has a mind of her own and you know she does have a say so when it comes to things and women.
• 28:11
  Daniel Moore: We've talked about this in one of our episodes, especially, you know, the one where you had all the surgeries and everything and the intimacy that was damaged from your side of things where your body changed, yeah, and a lot of the desires and the things that with inside of you that you had when we first got married.
• 28:29
  Daniel Moore: A lot of that changed and you had to reprogram yourself to get back to a point where you know we were even able to be intimate with each other and that kind of thing and stuff like that happens, yeah, and it happens to guys also, it's not?
• 28:42
  Michelle Moore: just a female thing.
• 28:42
  Daniel Moore: As you get older, as a female, you do fight that because you go through things, that your body changes, and so things are not the same yeah, and so if you come to a point where one of the spouses is very highly sexually driven and they continue to be that way throughout the marriage, but the other spouse starts coming to a point where some of that starts changing, that can be a very frustrating thing for the high driven spouse and it can start creating issues like this where they start forcing stuff.
• 29:14
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 29:15
  Daniel Moore: And then you start coming up with.
• 29:17
  Daniel Moore: You'll read stories all the time, and it's even in fiction books.
• 29:21
  Daniel Moore: You'll read about it.
• 29:21
  Daniel Moore: But you'll read where the woman, every time they have sex, she just OK, let's get this over with.
• 29:28
  Daniel Moore: You know, there's no, no true love.
• 29:31
  Daniel Moore: In what's going on at that moment there's no intimacy, no true love.
• 29:35
  Daniel Moore: And what's going on at that moment there's no intimacy.
• 29:37
  Daniel Moore: You know, it's just a.
• 29:37
  Daniel Moore: Let's, let him go through the motions and get this done and over with so I can get up and go clean house or whatever.
• 29:42
  Daniel Moore: And that almost comes to where you're in a roommate situation almost, rather than a soulmate situation, which we'll talk about in a future series we're going to do.
• 29:53
  Michelle Moore: Just honestly, I'll just be out there.
• 29:58
  Michelle Moore: You know, my first marriage it was all about pleasing himself.
• 30:03
  Michelle Moore: It was not that I cared, Like it didn't matter.
• 30:07
  Michelle Moore: It was like I want this, I'm taking it, and it was it got.
• 30:13
  Michelle Moore: I mean, it was not enjoyable by any means for me and it was.
• 30:18
  Michelle Moore: You know, take it, I'm good, I'm fine, Everything's great.
• 30:22
  Michelle Moore: And it's not.
• 30:23
  Michelle Moore: It's not for the other spouse, because that's not something you're wanting to offer at that moment or at that time, and that's because part of it is because you're not in a healthy marriage and you know you're taking something from someone that doesn't want to do that, and so be very careful with that.
• 30:46
  Daniel Moore: Well, let's say I'm gonna throw this out there real quick.
• 30:48
  Daniel Moore: There's a statistic out there that I've read, and I know some of these vary, but the one that I've seen the most often is typically in a sexual relationship between spouses.
• 30:56
  Daniel Moore: The female usually takes around at least 15 minutes or more to get to the point that they are starting to actually open themselves up for their satisfaction, and so the guys are usually just instantly when they're ready to go.
• 31:11
  Daniel Moore: They're ready to go, and a lot of times guys forget that the female doesn't get any gratification If everything goes too fast and we're going to make for older ears here, probably for a few moments, but if the male goes too fast, the woman never gets satisfied.
• 31:28
  Michelle Moore: No.
• 31:29
  Daniel Moore: And then that creates an issue eventually where affairs can come out of that.
• 31:33
  Daniel Moore: For one thing, because if a woman is constantly not being sexually satisfied in a marriage because all the guy's worried about is himself and that he's satisfied, women may look to go find it somewhere else.
• 31:47
  Daniel Moore: For one thing and this can happen both ways, but it happens more often because the women are created differently than men and guys have to remember that.
• 31:55
  Daniel Moore: You know, the woman's body does not operate the same way as the guys, and that's one thing that you know.
• 32:03
  Michelle Moore: Little TMI here maybe, but with Michelle and I You're probably going to speak what I was getting ready to say.
• 32:09
  Daniel Moore: What was I going to say?
• 32:11
  Michelle Moore: I was going to say that there's been times that we have to talk about it, Like what is it that you like and what is it that I like?
• 32:17
  Michelle Moore: If you're doing something that I don't like, obviously I'm not getting anything out of it.
• 32:21
  Daniel Moore: And I'm willing to make sure you're satisfied.
• 32:24
  Daniel Moore: We talk about it.
• 32:27
  Daniel Moore: I know that with our relationship that we have, I want to make sure and this is I'm a little different than some guys are.
• 32:35
  Daniel Moore: I understand I think differently in some ways about this, but in all reality, we all have to think differently about this stuff because we're married, so we have to think about these things.
• 32:45
  Daniel Moore: But the last thing I want is for you to be dissatisfied with the most intimate part of our relationship, the most intimate part of our marriage.
• 32:55
  Daniel Moore: You know I don't want you to be dissatisfied with that, where you feel like you're losing out on something you know.
• 33:02
  Daniel Moore: I want you to be happy with our relationship and our marriage as a whole all the way around.
• 33:07
  Michelle Moore: Same with me and I think we both feel comfortable enough in a safe atmosphere that we can talk about.
• 33:14
  Michelle Moore: Like you know, if you just start doing something, I'm like, yeah, no, I'm not feeling it, you need to move on to something else, Like you know, and it's like you know and you can tell, and, or I'll say something, because we're both so comfortable with each other in that area.
• 33:29
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 33:29
  Michelle Moore: That and you know, to be honest, I had never been in a marriage where it was about me Like.
• 33:37
  Michelle Moore: When we first got married I was, like you know, I had no idea what it was like to be taken care of in that aspect, because in my first marriage it was never about that at all.
• 34:01
  Michelle Moore: And I wouldn't make a joke.
• 34:02
  Michelle Moore: But I don know.
• 34:04
  Michelle Moore: You want to make sure that both of you come together, communicate about what it is that you like and what you don't like, Because, honestly, when I went through all my surgeries, literally what I liked before and that helped my body be prepared for that, it changed completely prepared for that it changed completely and it was very hard for you at that time because it was like I'm sorry, but I'm used to this, and then we both had to work together and I think, as you get older, it's just a different kind of relationship when that happens.
• 34:45
  Daniel Moore: And you don't force somebody.
• 34:46
  Daniel Moore: I know there's things that guys like, that women do not like to do.
• 34:49
  Michelle Moore: And don't watch it.
• 34:51
  Daniel Moore: Honestly, sometimes women will do things that their guys don't like just because it satisfies their husband and they do get a little bit of a satisfaction from that, even though they hate doing what they're doing.
• 35:02
  Daniel Moore: But if that's not the choice that the wife is making or the husband is making, you definitely don't force that because that's going to cause resentment in the marriage, right, and some some women just and some men just don't like that kind of thing, and so there are some boundaries there, really, that do need to be put into place.
• 35:21
  Daniel Moore: On the flip side of this, how do couples respect each other's physical needs and limitations, and what does mutual consent look like?
• 35:28
  Daniel Moore: Share those with us.
• 35:29
  Michelle Moore: So couples respect each other's physical needs and limitations by openly communicating about what feels comfortable and necessary and challenging for each person, responding with empathy and care, and we just talked about that.
• 35:44
  Michelle Moore: This respect means recognizing that physical health, energy levels, personal boundaries and emotional states can affect intimacy and daily interactions, and that these needs may change over time.
• 35:59
  Michelle Moore: As we talked about, instead of pressuring or dismissing a spouse's feelings, couples listen attentively and adjust expectations, demonstrating trust and deepening their connection in ways that reflect mutual respect and God's design for honoring one another's bodies.
• 36:32
  Michelle Moore: Now, mutual consent in marriage means that both spouses freely and willingly agree to any physical, emotional and relational decisions, without feeling pressured, coerced or obligated.
• 36:47
  Michelle Moore: It involves open, honest communication where each person's feelings, desires and boundaries are respected and valued equally.
• 36:57
  Michelle Moore: Mutual consent isn't just about saying yes or no.
• 37:00
  Michelle Moore: It's about creating a safe space where both partners feel heard and empowered to express their needs and limits.
• 37:07
  Michelle Moore: When consent is mutual, it fosters trust, intimacy and respect, reflecting a partnership rooted in love and equality, rather than control or obligation.
• 37:21
  Michelle Moore: This kind of consent honors god's design for marriage a sacred, loving union built on grace and freedom, and that is so true in so many ways yeah, sex isn't a drag race, it's a road trip.
• 37:38
  Daniel Moore: Okay, I love that.
• 37:41
  Daniel Moore: That's the best way to best way to explain that, and there might be times when the drag strip is OK with both of you.
• 37:49
  Daniel Moore: It's not like that's out of the equation, but that's so.
• 37:53
  Daniel Moore: You know that that's the most intimate, sacred part of a marriage.
• 37:56
  Michelle Moore: It is.
• 37:57
  Daniel Moore: And that's something that typically you know biblically we're not supposed to share that with anyone else.
• 38:01
  Daniel Moore: That's supposed to be safe for our spouses and not ever.
• 38:04
  Daniel Moore: You know we weren't, we didn't do that.
• 38:08
  Daniel Moore: There's a lot of people we know that didn't save that, but biblically that's the way it's supposed to be.
• 38:11
  Daniel Moore: Yes, and that's because that's him.
• 38:14
  Daniel Moore: How important it is to god, right?
• 38:15
  Daniel Moore: right and he created that for our relationship, for the reasons that we do it, and so we need to protect that as much as possible.
• 38:23
  Daniel Moore: Uh, one more here.
• 38:38
  Daniel Moore: We're going to get through here real quick.
• 38:40
  Daniel Moore: Uh, boundaries with in-laws, friends and technology.
• 38:43
  Daniel Moore: Leave and cleave means creating space for marriage to grow.
• 38:48
  Daniel Moore: So when we leave our parents and we go to our spouse, leave and cleave, that means intentionally shifting your primary allegiance from your family of origin to your spouse and that makes your marriage the central human relationship in your life.
• 39:02
  Daniel Moore: This principle calls for creating healthy boundaries with in-laws, friends and even technology, to protect and prioritize your marital connection by leaving you respectfully distance yourself from old dependencies or influences that may interfere with your union and by cleaving you commit to form a new, united identity as a couple.
• 39:24
  Daniel Moore: Creating space emotionally, physically and relationally allows your marriage to grow roots of trust and intimacy and independence, forming a foundation strong enough to withstand external pressures and distractions.
• 39:38
  Daniel Moore: Also, emotional affairs or over-dependence on parents or unfiltered social media access can break your intimacy.
• 39:45
  Daniel Moore: These can quietly erode the trust and closeness that intimacy depends on.
• 39:49
  Daniel Moore: When emotional energy or vulnerability is shared with someone outside the marriage, whether if it's a friend, a parent or online connection.
• 39:56
  Daniel Moore: It diverts that bond that's meant to be nurtured between two spouses.
• 40:00
  Daniel Moore: Emotional affairs create secret attachments that mimic the emotional closeness of a marriage, and over-dependence on parents keeps a spouse from fully investing in the marital relationship.
• 40:12
  Daniel Moore: And unchecked social media can invite comparison, secrecy or even inappropriate interactions.
• 40:18
  Daniel Moore: All three create emotional distance, leaving your spouse feeling second place, disconnected or betrayed, making true intimacy nearly impossible to sustain.
• 40:30
  Daniel Moore: And one of our most popular episodes that we've done on our podcast so far was in our Four Laws of Love, the one where we talked about ditching your parents.
• 40:40
  Daniel Moore: For some reason that's been the most popular episode that we did.
• 40:44
  Daniel Moore: But and we wasn't being disrespectful when we said that If you listen to that episode you'll see exactly what we're talking about there.
• 40:52
  Daniel Moore: But honestly, when you choose a spouse in your life to live with the rest of your life and hook yourself to, to have your children or to help you raise your children and have a home with and a life with, you have to cut that, that apron string.
• 41:11
  Daniel Moore: You have to cut that umbilical cord and move on, because I see too many times where parents are nosing into their kids marriages and disrupting things.
• 41:21
  Daniel Moore: Any choice that the kids make within their marriage, the parent will pipe up and they'll have a different opinion and then that causes division between the husband and wife at that point.
• 41:32
  Daniel Moore: And you know, that's not how God intended that.
• 41:36
  Daniel Moore: God gave us parents to help us, to help raise us up, to teach us biblically how to be a good Christian and how to live life, and hopefully gave us a good example of a good marriage, which doesn't happen very often.
• 41:49
  Daniel Moore: But that's that's the purpose of parents as well.
• 41:51
  Daniel Moore: But the time does come where, biblically, god says when you find your spouse, it's time to cut those wires and move on.
• 41:59
  Daniel Moore: The parents are still there for you know some support in different ways or to you know, pray for you in your marriage or whatever it may be.
• 42:07
  Daniel Moore: But all of those internal choices at that point and the way that you run your marriage and the way you run your life in your home, that all becomes your responsibility.
• 42:16
  Daniel Moore: The social media thing is really bad.
• 42:19
  Daniel Moore: It's so easy to communicate with people online whether it's social media on your phones or whatever, and then delete stuff so the other spouse can't see it.
• 42:29
  Daniel Moore: So then if they do find out, you're doing it, but they can't have the proof, they don't know what's going on.
• 42:34
  Daniel Moore: That trust factor gets so wrong, cut off.
• 42:37
  Daniel Moore: There's just so many things there and you and I were had issue with that and we but we went through all of that as well.
• 42:47
  Daniel Moore: You know it's.
• 42:47
  Daniel Moore: That's a very dangerous place to be, and anytime that social media starts taking precedent, or even electronic devices, because it can be texting or whatever Anytime that those take precedent over your marriage, it's time to cut some of those things off.
• 43:01
  Daniel Moore: Probably need to delete the Facebook, delete the Instagram, get rid of some of that stuff that's causing the issue, so you can resolve your problems, because that can destroy a marriage quicker than anything, especially if you start an online relationship or something and then that starts replacing your actual marriage until you end up divorced.
• 43:19
  Daniel Moore: I mean, there's just so many things there with all of that, and we know that we have friends for a reason.
• 43:25
  Daniel Moore: We can share things with some friends, but sometimes we need to not share everything with friends, that and there's different scenarios, it's just you know, even if you're talking to someone or texting, you know people.
• 43:38
  Michelle Moore: I mean, I trust Dan.
• 43:40
  Michelle Moore: You know I have men and females that work with me and so you know if one of the guys texts me or anything like that, dan has full capacity to get in my phone.
• 43:51
  Michelle Moore: There's nothing never deleted, like you know and same as him.
• 43:55
  Michelle Moore: If I was to look at his phone, there's women texting him or something for something.
• 43:59
  Michelle Moore: I, you know he has it to where I can look and I know that I trust him and that to me means a lot to me.
• 44:09
  Michelle Moore: You know, and I know he's not looking into something or anything like that, because we didn't have that before.
• 44:14
  Michelle Moore: You know you would delete things, I would delete things, and it just it makes your mind be like OK, what's really going on?
• 44:22
  Michelle Moore: There could have been nothing going on, really going on.
• 44:24
  Daniel Moore: There could have been nothing going on, but when you start deleting stuff it gives you Creating other emails that people can email you at that you don't tell your spouse about.
• 44:33
  Michelle Moore: There's a lot of ways Creating, and to me that's an open door for the enemy.
• 44:38
  Daniel Moore: Yep.
• 44:39
  Michelle Moore: And the enemy is here to kill, steal and destroy, and he does nothing with your marriage, if it's, you know.
• 44:45
  Michelle Moore: So do not open that door, you know?
• 44:49
  Michelle Moore: Leave your phone to where your spouse can look at it at all times and don't delete stuff.
• 44:55
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, you got to be open and transparent, yep, and so for more into that, you can go check out that episode that we did during our four laws of love and we go into very detail on that.
• 45:08
  Daniel Moore: So, to close this one up, how do you kindly but clearly set boundaries within laws of friends and how can couples agree on digital boundaries?
• 45:16
  Daniel Moore: Share that with us.
• 45:18
  Michelle Moore: Start with being honest, respectful communication that prioritizes your marriage while honoring others.
• 45:23
  Michelle Moore: That prioritizes your marriage while honoring others.
• 45:25
  Michelle Moore: Begin by expressing appreciation for the role in your life.
• 45:29
  Michelle Moore: Then gently explain the need to protect your time, decisions and emotional space as a couple.
• 45:36
  Michelle Moore: Use the we language to show unity with your spouse, such as hey, we've decided to handle this on our own or hey, we need some time to focus on our relationship.
• 45:48
  Michelle Moore: Stay firm but be gracious, avoiding blame or defensiveness, and follow through consistently.
• 45:56
  Michelle Moore: Clear boundaries delivered with kindness, communicative love and respect will ensure your marriage remains your first priority.
• 46:07
  Michelle Moore: Now couples can agree on digital boundaries by having an open, judgment-free conversation about their values, expectations and comfort levels with technology use.
• 46:19
  Michelle Moore: This includes discussing how much time they spend on devices, what kinds of online interactions are appropriate and how to handle privacy and transparency, like sharing passwords or posting on social media.
• 46:34
  Michelle Moore: The goal is not to control, but to have mutual respect and trust and protection of the relationship.
• 46:43
  Michelle Moore: By agreeing on a clear guideline, such as no phones during the meal.
• 46:48
  Michelle Moore: That's more like guidelines avoiding private conversations with the opposite sex checking in before personal moments.
• 46:57
  Michelle Moore: Online, couples can create a digital environment that supports connection, accountability and emotional safety.
• 47:06
  Michelle Moore: So good.
• 47:09
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, those are some good points to keep in mind when you're trying to set these boundaries in place and I'm telling you, if you guys listening out there, these boundaries have to be in place.
• 47:21
  Daniel Moore: There's the statistics that are out today.
• 47:25
  Daniel Moore: There's the statistics that are out today.
• 47:32
  Daniel Moore: A lot of them show that online interactions and stuff to do with electronic devices is one of the highest percentage rates of why divorces are happening.
• 47:37
  Daniel Moore: Because the accessibility to having other people enter two relationships today is so easy and it's so easy to create that online bond with someone.
• 47:48
  Michelle Moore: Well, not only that, but I married you.
• 47:50
  Michelle Moore: I didn't marry you and your phone.
• 47:52
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 47:53
  Michelle Moore: You know, that's where I mean there's been times that you know we've sat down and I'm like babe, get off your phone.
• 47:59
  Michelle Moore: I need me time, you know, and it's not that he was on his phone a lot, it's just I needed that time, and the same as me.
• 48:06
  Michelle Moore: You know, I'm not competing with your phone, right.
• 48:13
  Michelle Moore: You know, and we've both had to set that precedent in our relationship and very because there's so much to do on your phone.
• 48:16
  Michelle Moore: It's not just social media, there's other things like podcasts and stuff that you listen to.
• 48:21
  Michelle Moore: You know you have to be able to not compete with that phone and that's where you know I feel like a lot of times it's just not the, you know, talking to other people or anything like that.
• 48:33
  Michelle Moore: It's, you know, just social media or the cell phone usage in general.
• 48:38
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, so yeah.
• 48:40
  Daniel Moore: So some really good things there that was shared today.
• 48:42
  Daniel Moore: So hopefully, once again, as we always say, we hope that you guys have taken something from this.
• 48:47
  Daniel Moore: If this is an issue that you're having in your marriage right now with any of these areas that we talked about today, hopefully that you know something that we said that might help with some of that.
• 48:58
  Daniel Moore: There are other resources out there.
• 49:00
  Daniel Moore: There's lots of books that have been written, there's studies that have been done.
• 49:02
  Daniel Moore: There's lots of other places that you can dig deeper to get into any of this stuff that you might be having issues with and it might require a counselor.
• 49:10
  Daniel Moore: There's people out there that do counseling for this kind of thing.
• 49:15
  Daniel Moore: When it comes to your marriage, there's nothing that should get thrown out the door.
• 49:19
  Daniel Moore: I mean, there's tools out there available that you need to take advantage of to make sure that you're protecting your marriage to the best way that you possibly can and that you're capable of.
• 49:31
  Daniel Moore: And, of course, if we keep God first in that equation, keep that prayer covering over our marriage and plead that blood over our marriage every day as spouses and over our families, things go much smoother usually because we keep God in the mix.
• 49:46
  Daniel Moore: And so not only are we trying to please each other now, we're trying to please God at the same time, and God has way higher standards than what you and I do a lot of times, and so we just want to make sure that everything that we do, we're going towards that eternal reward.
• 50:03
  Daniel Moore: So did you have anything else to add?
• 50:05
  Michelle Moore: to no again.
• 50:07
  Michelle Moore: This is really great.
• 50:09
  Michelle Moore: I've I've learned a lot just listening to each one of these boundaries and just you know this, this has been good for me too.
• 50:17
  Michelle Moore: I mean, there's things that I'm already in my mind.
• 50:20
  Michelle Moore: I'm like, oh, you know, I need to take heed to that.
• 50:23
  Michelle Moore: So, absolutely, it's been a great study so far.
• 50:28
  Daniel Moore: Well, next week, when we come back, we'll wrap this study up and then, probably after that, as I mentioned last week, we'll be starting a new series called Marriage Reset and we're going to be talking about how to move to being a soulmate, from being a roommate in your marriage, that's right.
• 50:46
  Daniel Moore: That's a really good study that we're putting together right now, so that'll be coming down the pike here next week.
• 50:51
  Daniel Moore: We're going to talk a little bit about when boundaries are broken what do you do when that takes place and how do you handle that and then we're also going to talk a little bit about keeping Christ at the center of how boundaries can be a path to unity as we wrap up this series.
• 51:05
  Daniel Moore: So you don't want to miss any of that.
• 51:06
  Daniel Moore: There's going to be a lot more good information coming, I think, from this study as we continue next week.
• 51:12
  Daniel Moore: Until then, we're going to call it a wrap.
• 51:15
  Daniel Moore: And we'll call it good for this week.
• 51:17
  Daniel Moore: So we pray that, after you've listened to this episode, that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer.
• 51:28
  Daniel Moore: And we just want to remind you this is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries and we pray that you have a blessed week.