Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / The Surprising TV Moment That Sparked a Conversation About Literacy [Parental Guidance Ep. 3]

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The Surprising TV Moment That Sparked a Conversation About Literacy [Parental Guidance Ep. 3] · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:06
Speaker 1: Okay. Today on the Happy Families podcast, Real Parenting Solutions
0:09
Speaker 1: Every Day. This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast, where
0:12
Speaker 1: Justin and Kylie Calson we are discussing what I think
0:14
Speaker 1: is the big moment some of the most compelling TV
0:17
Speaker 1: that you'll ever see. Monday Night on Parental Guidance, we
0:21
Speaker 1: were blown away by what happened in the last twenty
0:23
Speaker 1: minutes of the show and we really need to spend
0:25
Speaker 1: some time chatting about what I think most of Australia
0:29
Speaker 1: saw and we're just astonished by. So let's do a
0:33
Speaker 1: quick reset and just get you up to date on
0:35
Speaker 1: Parental Guidance. This week we focused on the topic of
0:38
Speaker 1: body image. Where we're talking about body image. We're talking
0:41
Speaker 1: about healthy eating, regular exercise and having a positive view
0:47
Speaker 1: of your body.
0:48
Speaker 2: This is complicated. Eat well, but you know, not obsessively,
0:52
Speaker 2: exercise but don't go too hard. But how do we
0:56
Speaker 2: actually parent for this?
0:58
Speaker 1: Let's reintroduce those focused parents so you know who we're
1:01
Speaker 1: talking about. First up, our authoritative parents, Elvie and Sean.
1:05
Speaker 3: As authoritative parents, we don't really give our children too
1:09
Speaker 3: much choice.
1:10
Speaker 4: To be good in piano, you do need a lot
1:13
Speaker 4: of practicing. Elvis says the rules in the family.
1:16
Speaker 5: You only have turned him in this that okay.
1:19
Speaker 4: The girls and I.
1:21
Speaker 1: Are they Nick and Sophia the positivity parents.
1:24
Speaker 5: As positivity parents, we build up our children's self esteem
1:27
Speaker 5: every single day by doing positive affirmations.
1:30
Speaker 6: I can't hear you got to tell her out?
1:31
Speaker 1: I am stop before?
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Speaker 4: Yes? Yes?
1:36
Speaker 1: Who are Amanda Hassan? Hardware parents.
1:39
Speaker 3: As hardware parents, there's no easy way out.
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Speaker 5: We don't leave anyone behind. We all go do things together.
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Speaker 4: Yes, we actually choose to parent our children.
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Speaker 1: Josh and Cassie Life school parents.
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Speaker 6: As a family of seven. We live in our truck
1:54
Speaker 6: and caravan traveling around Australia.
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Speaker 4: We've been traveling for like three years. We haven't been
2:00
Speaker 4: to school for four years. We just choose life schooling.
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Speaker 5: To a better way to learn.
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Speaker 1: Well, the very last challenge of the night was for
2:06
Speaker 1: the Life school parents.
2:09
Speaker 2: We're playing the compliment game and there's one more family
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Speaker 2: left to see. Let's see how our Love school parents went.
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Speaker 6: Give your parents five compliments each.
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Speaker 4: Let's go as.
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Speaker 7: Live school parents.
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Speaker 3: We think a good compliment is one that comes from
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Speaker 3: the heart.
2:26
Speaker 4: And it's honest.
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Speaker 1: Okay, so I need to explain what unfolded because it's
2:30
Speaker 1: quite visual. You had to see it if you listen
2:32
Speaker 1: to the podcast and you haven't seen the show, maybe
2:34
Speaker 1: because you're overseas or you just haven't caught up yet
2:37
Speaker 1: on the nine and now app here's what's going on
2:39
Speaker 1: with the compliment game. The kids are describing their parents.
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Speaker 1: They're saying things like pretty, nice skin, nice hair, awesome, fun,
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Speaker 1: But it was really a parent that they had trouble spelling,
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Speaker 1: like fun was spelled with an M crossed out and
2:55
Speaker 1: then the letter and pretty was pri y and so
2:58
Speaker 1: on were beautiful.
3:01
Speaker 2: There was a bit of a spelling issue.
3:05
Speaker 6: Yeah, that was It was a funny one because the
3:07
Speaker 6: spelling and the writing and the reading.
3:09
Speaker 5: A few of them struggled at do they know how
3:11
Speaker 5: to read and write?
3:14
Speaker 6: Yeah, they read and write in their own ways. It's
3:17
Speaker 6: not like we sit down and give them pen and
3:19
Speaker 6: paper lessons.
3:21
Speaker 1: What we've seen is they might need a bit more
3:24
Speaker 1: help with that.
3:26
Speaker 2: We have a high school teacher in the room, Amanda.
3:29
Speaker 4: I just talking from my perspective. I just thought it
3:31
Speaker 4: was lacking, like a lot for their age, the youngest
3:35
Speaker 4: being seven, Like you should be able to spell and
3:37
Speaker 4: read really well, really well well for those words. Yeah,
3:40
Speaker 4: they were quite easy words. Yeah. I would be giving
3:43
Speaker 4: them a lot more lessons and reading and writing. They
3:46
Speaker 4: need it.
3:46
Speaker 1: A comment from one of the parents pretty well summed
3:49
Speaker 1: up the general feeling in the room.
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Speaker 5: I would be beside myself to be quite honest, whether
3:56
Speaker 5: or not you believe that you're limiting their opportunities for
4:00
Speaker 5: careers later. Like you said, well, if they want to
4:01
Speaker 5: be a doctor, they can be a doctor. Realistically, I
4:06
Speaker 5: don't see that happening if they can't read.
4:11
Speaker 2: Are you worried about where the boys are at with
4:14
Speaker 2: their reading and writing? I'm not worried at all, because
4:16
Speaker 2: they can read and write, but we didn't see that
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Speaker 2: there and they were they It's like fun.
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Speaker 6: If you look at most people on social media, they
4:27
Speaker 6: can't spell or use grammar as well.
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Speaker 2: And if you're not worried about it, at what point
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Speaker 2: do you become worried.
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Speaker 3: One of the challenges is them having a good relationship
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Speaker 3: with reading and writing and that sort of thing. We
4:42
Speaker 3: don't want to come on too strong and too heavy
4:45
Speaker 3: for them to be fully resistive to taking you.
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Speaker 1: Josh, I need to jump in. You're not alarmed. Everybody
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Speaker 1: in the room is alarmed, and I'm alarmed. They've got
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Speaker 1: such limited capacity to read, and they are not just behind,
5:02
Speaker 1: there's several years behind. How much do you read to them?
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Speaker 6: To be honest, it varies.
5:10
Speaker 1: How much do they read to you?
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Speaker 6: Yeah, yeah, probably not enough.
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Speaker 1: To know things like, based on what we've just heard,
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Speaker 1: they don't read to you at all. Yeah, okay, Kylie,
5:20
Speaker 1: let's talk about this. The importance of reading, something that
5:23
Speaker 1: we've talked about endlessly on the podcast, something that we
5:25
Speaker 1: make a really big deal about. Reading is the gateway
5:29
Speaker 1: to learning.
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Speaker 7: I shared this a few times now, but I don't
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Speaker 7: actually remember being read to as a child, and reading
5:37
Speaker 7: didn't come easy to me. It wasn't until I was
5:39
Speaker 7: in my mid teens that I actually started to pick
5:41
Speaker 7: up a book because I wanted to, and then I
5:46
Speaker 7: became quite an avid reader.
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Speaker 1: I love reading, But you thought I was weird because
5:51
Speaker 1: I read nonfiction and you really liked fiction. And it
5:54
Speaker 1: wasn't until I started to introduce you to some of
5:56
Speaker 1: the incredible nonfiction that's out there that you started to
5:59
Speaker 1: see that that was really exciting. As well. Readers are leaders,
6:02
Speaker 1: and leaders are readers. Recent research that I stumbled across
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Speaker 1: indicates that I can't remember what percentage of kids it is,
6:09
Speaker 1: something like half of Australian children. There's not even ten
6:12
Speaker 1: books in the family home. I have family members who
6:16
Speaker 1: literally don't have books in their home. Full step into story.
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Speaker 1: Zero books that's in my own family just blows me away.
6:24
Speaker 1: How screens have proliferated and taken over our children's imaginations
6:30
Speaker 1: and our families' lives.
6:32
Speaker 7: And just the other day, you actually told me we
6:34
Speaker 7: need more bookshelves.
6:35
Speaker 1: Yeah, we do. We've installed one, two, three, four, five,
6:39
Speaker 1: maybe six bookshelves, and I'm saying we need more. We've
6:43
Speaker 1: got too many books and I don't want to get
6:44
Speaker 1: rid of them. Like we keep on culling our books
6:46
Speaker 1: and just keeping the ones that I most besotted by,
6:49
Speaker 1: and we just we love them. So reading is critical.
6:53
Speaker 1: We have consistently made sure that we read to our
6:55
Speaker 1: children daily, our children see us reading daily ourselves. And
7:00
Speaker 1: while we don't read to our children so much anymore
7:02
Speaker 1: because our youngest is eleven and she just wants to
7:05
Speaker 1: read on her own, Like I'll consistently say can I
7:06
Speaker 1: please read to you? And she won't let me because
7:08
Speaker 1: she's completely absorbed in her own books, and she's reading
7:11
Speaker 1: really big books. It's just so important that kids are
7:15
Speaker 1: being read too, that they're reading to us, and that
7:18
Speaker 1: they're seeing us read.
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Speaker 7: But I think what else is really important is that
7:23
Speaker 7: there are books available to them. So little Indie, our
7:28
Speaker 7: grand baby, she's almost two, she knows where the book
7:31
Speaker 7: cupboard is, and when she comes to Lolly's house, she
7:34
Speaker 7: literally goes to that cupboard, pulls out her books, and
7:37
Speaker 7: she will bring them to me and ask to be
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Speaker 7: read too, but she'll often if she doesn't want my time.
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Speaker 7: She is actually really happy to pull them out, and
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Speaker 7: she will sit and flip the pages. Is she reading, No,
7:51
Speaker 7: she's not, but she's becoming acquainted with books. She's looking
7:54
Speaker 7: at the pictures. She's being enthralled and engaged in a
7:59
Speaker 7: story all of its own, without having to know the words.
8:03
Speaker 1: So we've done several podcasts over the last couple of
8:05
Speaker 1: years about how to get your kids to love reading,
8:08
Speaker 1: and we will link to those in the show notes.
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Speaker 1: They're so worth the listen. We've really put a lot
8:12
Speaker 1: of time and effort into that, and I can't overstate
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Speaker 1: how much it matters that children fall in love with reading.
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Speaker 1: This matters so much. But as a result of what occurred,
8:23
Speaker 1: there was a fairly I think really not fairly. There
8:27
Speaker 1: was one of the most important conversations that I've ever
8:29
Speaker 1: had on the TV between Josh and Cassie, the Life
8:32
Speaker 1: School parents and me and I want to talk about
8:36
Speaker 1: the conversation that I had with them offset.
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Speaker 6: Next justin, could you mind if we went outside and
8:53
Speaker 6: had a bit of a chat.
8:54
Speaker 1: Let's go okay, so you can hear the tension. You
8:57
Speaker 1: can feel that the Life School parents and that children
8:59
Speaker 1: had the challenge of the Compliments game. During the course
9:01
Speaker 1: of the game, it became very clear that their children
9:04
Speaker 1: were struggling with basic spelling. Now this podcast episode today
9:07
Speaker 1: is not about them, and it's not about their kids,
9:11
Speaker 1: but there was a lot of confronting feedback from the
9:13
Speaker 1: other parents that was leveled at the Life School parents,
9:16
Speaker 1: and so they asked if we could have a separate
9:18
Speaker 1: conversation off set.
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Speaker 6: I feel that I just need to explain something that
9:22
Speaker 6: wasn't able to be explained in the room around what.
9:26
Speaker 7: Has happened to us in the past.
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Speaker 6: I unfortunately used my ego to allow one of our
9:34
Speaker 6: kids to go to school at the age of four
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Speaker 6: because I had a prep a year one, a year two,
9:38
Speaker 6: and a year three.
9:39
Speaker 4: It's a lot.
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Speaker 1: I thought that that would create.
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Speaker 6: A bond, but it didn't. And what we have now
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Speaker 6: is an extremely resistant child to sitting down and reading
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Speaker 6: and writing. You know, he's not comfortable with holding a
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Speaker 6: pen and paper.
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Speaker 3: Like okay, yeah, I just don't know how to. I
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Speaker 3: just want to to come out.
10:01
Speaker 1: Right, even if it's not right, it's okay.
10:06
Speaker 3: He flatly refuses, you know, like when your dad's dragging
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Speaker 3: you forcefully to the car when you would probably rather
10:15
Speaker 3: die than.
10:16
Speaker 4: Go to where you're going.
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Speaker 3: I'm fearful to what that message tells my son. Literacy
10:23
Speaker 3: is very important.
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Speaker 1: But if we kill his spirit because he has to
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Speaker 1: be at.
10:29
Speaker 3: A benchmark because he is this age, then have we
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Speaker 3: just taken a gift out of the world.
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Speaker 1: Callie that conversation, I think it was just so important
10:38
Speaker 1: to bring context into it, but also to make sure
10:41
Speaker 1: that instruction was clear and that Josh and Cassey knew
10:43
Speaker 1: what their children needed, regardless of the traumatic and challenging
10:47
Speaker 1: experiences that had previously. It's just so important. But what
10:50
Speaker 1: I want to do is stop talking about them now
10:52
Speaker 1: and just talk about the broader question when your child
10:55
Speaker 1: struggles with learning, when your child doesn't want to go
10:57
Speaker 1: to school, what do you do? How do you help?
11:00
Speaker 1: And what are the solutions? That's where we need to
11:02
Speaker 1: spend our time. Now. We've been there. We've had children
11:12
Speaker 1: who have refused to go to school, We've chosen to homeschool.
11:16
Speaker 1: We've dealt with bullying, We've dealt with some mental health challenges,
11:19
Speaker 1: we've dealt with neurodivergence. All of these things have been
11:23
Speaker 1: a part of our family and our story. So we
11:26
Speaker 1: have a huge amount of empathy not just for our
11:28
Speaker 1: life school parents who have described their experience, but also
11:31
Speaker 1: for anyone else who's listened to pot and going but
11:33
Speaker 1: you don't get it, I promise you we do. We've
11:36
Speaker 1: encountered all of those challenges and more. It's been extremely
11:40
Speaker 1: hard raising six kids, not all of whom have been
11:42
Speaker 1: excited to go to school every day. In fact, many
11:45
Speaker 1: who have just dug their heels in an absolutely out
11:48
Speaker 1: and out refused. It's been quite the journey for me.
11:52
Speaker 7: The biggest take homes as we've gone through this process
11:56
Speaker 7: time and time again for very different reasons with each
11:59
Speaker 7: child is number one, recognizing that we can't do it alone.
12:05
Speaker 7: We can't do it alone, and we're not supposed to
12:07
Speaker 7: do it alone. And surrounding ourselves with the appropriate support,
12:12
Speaker 7: whether that be professional or otherwise. Finding the right people
12:17
Speaker 7: to put in your kid's corner and your corner to
12:21
Speaker 7: help you navigate challenges is imperative if we're going to
12:24
Speaker 7: get through this. I think the second one for me
12:28
Speaker 7: is an acknowledgment that there is no quick fix, right yep.
12:33
Speaker 7: As a parent, no one likes seeing their child struggle
12:36
Speaker 7: at all.
12:36
Speaker 1: Hardest think of being a parent is watching you can suffer.
12:39
Speaker 7: And just sitting here thinking about the struggles gets me
12:41
Speaker 7: a bit teary because it's so hard watching them and
12:45
Speaker 7: knowing that they're in pain or they're hurting. But the
12:49
Speaker 7: one thing we need to remember it is no matter what,
12:53
Speaker 7: they need to know that we love them.
12:55
Speaker 1: It just we're on the scene.
12:58
Speaker 7: It has to be at the forefront of every conversation
13:01
Speaker 7: we have with our children. No matter how hard this is,
13:04
Speaker 7: no matter how much you're frustrated with me because we're
13:08
Speaker 7: doing X, Y and Z or whatever it is, I
13:11
Speaker 7: need you to know we just love you. We love you,
13:14
Speaker 7: and we here for you and we want to support you,
13:16
Speaker 7: and we're going to do everything we can, and then
13:19
Speaker 7: we take every conceivable possible step we can to show
13:23
Speaker 7: them that we're on their side.
13:26
Speaker 1: Yeah, the reality is not every kid fits at school schools.
13:31
Speaker 1: There are some schools who do a really great job
13:33
Speaker 1: of catering for children who have diverse and additional and
13:37
Speaker 1: challenging needs. There are some schools that are just remarkable,
13:40
Speaker 1: but they are unusual. The standard cookie cutter approach to
13:44
Speaker 1: schooling doesn't suit every child. And our world is busier
13:49
Speaker 1: and more fraught, and more stressed and more just overwhelming
13:52
Speaker 1: than it's ever been. Bullying is rife. Australia is the
13:55
Speaker 1: second most bullied nation on the planet. The US beats
13:58
Speaker 1: us out there, but are being bullied at insane levels
14:02
Speaker 1: both online and offline. In fact, if it's happening online,
14:05
Speaker 1: you can bet your boots that it's happening offline. And
14:08
Speaker 1: children just it's really hard. So, in addition to what
14:12
Speaker 1: you've said, and I really appreciate the way that you've
14:13
Speaker 1: said it and the things that you've said, a couple
14:16
Speaker 1: of other things to look at. Number One, you've got
14:18
Speaker 1: to work with the school to the extent that you
14:20
Speaker 1: can we've just written a letter to the school about
14:23
Speaker 1: one of our kids who's having a rough time. We've
14:25
Speaker 1: only got two kods a school, so I'm probably giving
14:27
Speaker 1: away a little bit too much there, But we've just
14:28
Speaker 1: said to the school we are dealing with some really
14:31
Speaker 1: big challenges here and we want to work with you.
14:34
Speaker 1: We want to be by your side, we want to
14:36
Speaker 1: be collaborating as much as possible to work through this
14:40
Speaker 1: specific issue. And that approach generally works better than yelling
14:44
Speaker 1: at somebody in the school office and saying you people
14:46
Speaker 1: don't understand you're not doing anything. So that's the first thing.
14:49
Speaker 1: Work with the school. But every now and again you're
14:51
Speaker 1: going to find that no matter how much you work
14:52
Speaker 1: with the school, you just won't get the outcome you need.
14:55
Speaker 1: At which point I think that it's worth looking around
14:57
Speaker 1: at other schooling options. It might be a school up
14:59
Speaker 1: the street or down the road. It might be an
15:01
Speaker 1: alternative kind of school. It could be distance education, it
15:04
Speaker 1: could be homeschool. There are an enormous a variety of
15:09
Speaker 1: options that are out there, and then it just comes
15:11
Speaker 1: down to what you can manage, whether it's budget or
15:13
Speaker 1: whether it's time, whether you're working, whether you can take
15:16
Speaker 1: time off. We have found with homeschooling that having an
15:19
Speaker 1: outside tutor has been essential to help our children stay
15:24
Speaker 1: motivated and to do things that you and I can't
15:26
Speaker 1: do or that the kids won't do. With us, looking
15:28
Speaker 1: at alternatives and being open minded about it becomes imperative.
15:31
Speaker 7: One of the things you've talked about so many times
15:34
Speaker 7: is the acknowledgment that avoidance isn't the answer.
15:37
Speaker 3: No.
15:37
Speaker 1: Avoidance reinforces anxiety, and.
15:39
Speaker 7: So it's really important that while ever we're dealing with struggles,
15:45
Speaker 7: that we don't take what seems like the easier road
15:49
Speaker 7: by avoiding the challenges, because we're actually just creating a
15:53
Speaker 7: bigger problem. We're pushing that problem down the road.
15:56
Speaker 1: If avoidance reinforces anxiety, though, what overcomes anxiety is action.
16:01
Speaker 1: Action is the key. So if your children are struggling,
16:03
Speaker 1: there has to be some form of action, having them
16:05
Speaker 1: involved in extra curricular activities, having them having a third
16:09
Speaker 1: space where they do have good relationships, or they do
16:11
Speaker 1: have a level of competence, or they do have a
16:12
Speaker 1: sense of choice about what they're doing. I would always
16:15
Speaker 1: say minimize screens. I would always be saying get them
16:18
Speaker 1: reading back to the first half of this conversation. But
16:21
Speaker 1: these are the things that our children need. The last
16:24
Speaker 1: thing that I want to highlight and really sort of
16:26
Speaker 1: zero win on as we talk about what the solutions
16:29
Speaker 1: are when our children are struggling with learning is finding
16:34
Speaker 1: something that they are motivated to learn. Finding just find
16:38
Speaker 1: something that they enjoy. Because what you tend to find
16:43
Speaker 1: is that when a child goes into a space where
16:45
Speaker 1: they have decent relationships, where they feel reasonably competent, and
16:49
Speaker 1: they know that they're making progress, and they have a
16:51
Speaker 1: sense of choice over their actions and activities, you find
16:54
Speaker 1: that their motivation is really really deep and profoundly powerful.
17:00
Speaker 1: They're just so motivated. And the reason for the higher
17:03
Speaker 1: levels of motivation because those basic psychological needs are being supported.
17:07
Speaker 1: So child doesn't want to learn, child struggling to do stuff,
17:10
Speaker 1: find something that they do love to learn, and you'll
17:14
Speaker 1: find that motivation will appear really quickly. Motivation actually follows
17:18
Speaker 1: competence rather than competence following motivation, which is what people
17:23
Speaker 1: often think happens. So much more we could talk about it.
17:26
Speaker 1: I mean, it was compelling TV. Really it was compelling
17:29
Speaker 1: because there was a lot of motion, but it was
17:31
Speaker 1: compelling because it matters. It really matters, And I can't
17:34
Speaker 1: thank Josh and Cassie enough and all the parents on
17:37
Speaker 1: the show for being willing to put themselves out there.
17:40
Speaker 1: I get pretty upset when people get on to social
17:42
Speaker 1: media and start making judgmental comments. That's not helpful. These
17:45
Speaker 1: are families who are doing a great job as a
17:47
Speaker 1: general rule, and when you look at how their kids
17:49
Speaker 1: did in every single change. We've got one episode to
17:53
Speaker 1: go on Monday night, but their kids absolutely nail it.
17:56
Speaker 1: They're a great family doing really good stuff.
17:58
Speaker 7: They're so involved, hands on.
18:00
Speaker 1: They're really really good. Yes, yeah, and so it's just
18:04
Speaker 1: I think that it's really important a reminder when you
18:06
Speaker 1: jump onto social media and say things, just be aware
18:10
Speaker 1: there are real people on the other side of this,
18:12
Speaker 1: and they're brave, they're courageous, and they've done what they've
18:14
Speaker 1: done so that we can have conversations like this. It
18:17
Speaker 1: really matters. Anyway, We hope that you've gotten a lot
18:19
Speaker 1: out of today's conversation. We didn't do I'd do better
18:22
Speaker 1: tomorrow this week because we just felt like that was
18:24
Speaker 1: what we needed at end the week on and talk
18:26
Speaker 1: about Thank you so much for listening to the happy
18:28
Speaker 1: Families podcast. It's produced by Justin Rulon from Bridge Media.
18:32
Speaker 1: Mimhammond's provides research, admin and other support and if you'd
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Speaker 1: like more information and more resources to make your family happier,
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Speaker 1: you'll find it at happy families dot com dot au.
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Speaker 1: Parental Guidance Episode four is back Monday night on nine
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Speaker 1: and nine now from seven thirty next time.
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Speaker 2: In the last of our special events series.
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Speaker 1: We have an incredible mental illness challenge in this country.
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Speaker 2: It's the invisible crisis crippling the nation. She screamed from
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Speaker 2: seven per till three am every single night. It was horrific.
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Speaker 1: Don't help me.
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Speaker 2: Tonight's focus parents will be back in the hot seat.
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Speaker 3: My children call me the most mean momed in the world.
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Speaker 2: How do our parents respond when mental health takes center stage?
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Speaker 3: Boys are naturally nurturing, they.
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Speaker 6: Can be stereotyping, can put a lot of pressure on men.
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Speaker 2: And then the panel decides a parents with the best
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Speaker 2: parental guidance when it comes to building good mental health
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Speaker 2: Art