Latest / Ela's Got the Tea / I Told My Ex They're Not Invited to Our Kids' Birthday
Transcript
- Ela: Today we have a wife who packs a suitcase and leaves her own apartment every time her mother in law visits, a dad decides he's done sharing his kid's birthday party, and a husband whose wife will not let him arrange his books by the way he wishes. All right, tea leaves, grab your cup and let me pour. Hello my beautiful tea leaves. Welcome to Ella's Got the Tea. I'm Ela, your host, your mom friend, and the person who reads you the internet's messiest dramas, so you don't have to go digging for it yourself. If you're new here, the deal is simple. I'm a mom. Life is already chaotic. So I pour a cup and we get into other people's chaos together. Real stories straight from the source. And one quick thing before we pour, if you're new here. Subscribe or follow wherever you're listening. It's free. It takes a second. And it's the only reason a show like this gets to keep going. And I've got a fresh brew of my vanilla pear white tea today. If you want to give it a try, I have details linked down below in the descriptions, along with everything else I mentioned. I will note my allergies are acting up. Thank you, September weather. So I did have to decrease the strength of this brew. Our first leaf comes from R/slash just no mill. OP writes, Am I wrong for not moving out when my mother-in-law comes to stay and asking my partner to suggest she stays in a hotel instead? Hi, y'all. So me and my partner have been together for five years, and we currently both live in a rented one-bedroom apartment. I still call his mom my mother-in-law because it's a most realistic dynamic. The context is that. This is a rented apartment that he pays for. I contribute to the grocery fund, but I am a postgrad, so I do not contribute to the rent. Both he and both me and him are happy with this temporary situation, which will of course change once I have graduated and am working full-time. However, technically, this is not my apartment. And therefore, in her eyes, I am not entitled to live there. Basically, my mother-in-law is in love with my partner. They are extremely close. It is the only thing that me and him ever argue about, although he is a lot better at setting boundaries with her, which is how we came to this situation. For over two years since he moved out of his parents' house, his mom will come to stay at least once a month, and every time I have gone to stay with my parents who live around one hour away. It's not a big deal for me to stay with them as I am close to them both emotionally and physically. But it still means me hauling a small suitcase on public transport and changing my routine for a few days so that my mother in law can have some private time with her son in an extremely small apartment. She sleeps on the sofa bed, which is in the living room. Therefore, I would feel like my kitchen and living room would be out of bounds to me at night. Now, I have spoken about this to my partner. I have told him that. I think it is inconsiderate for me to for the unspoken rule to be that I move out for a few days whenever she comes to visit. I have also told him that given the nature of our apartment, I would be uncomfortable for all three of us to share the space when she stays, and I think she would feel the same way. Me and my mother in law have a polite relationship, but we have other instances where Of her being rude or cold towards me. My partner has run it by me that she will be coming to visit him in September, and I have told him that I am comfortable with her per the above. I have suggested him asking her to stay in a hotel. She is rich and it would not be a problem necessarily. This is what they used to do when she would visit him at college, for example. He has agreed and understands why I feel this way. But I f it this feels inhospitable. I can't help but feel like an a hole, especially since she accommodates us around four times a year in her own home, albeit there is a whole room for us to stay in and it is quite large. Won't she refuse to let me stay over if my partner and I suggest she can't stay with us? Genuine advice and guidance needed. I'm wondering whether the best situation is for the three of us just to share the apartment for a few days, even though it would be super close quarters. Thanks. Okay, so I want to jump in w to the comments right away before I go into further detail. Commenter one writes, weird that they need alone time. It's one thing if you don't want to be around her, but another if they consider it their time together. You shouldn't be forced out of your home to accommodate someone who isn't that nice to you. There's no reason for her to stay in your apartment. That's going out of your way, too. There isn't anything to feel guilty about. She also visits a lot. I couldn't be paid to leave my home that frequently for anyone. commenter two writes, perhaps recommend that she get an Airbnb where he can stay with her while she's here. She gets alone time with her son and probably with a real bed to sleep in and you can keep your routine. Or maybe even agree to join them for dinner a couple nights so you don't seem like you are trying to avoid her. He could even suggest it and find one that has cool features like a pool or hot tip access. Or closer location to think to some fun things to do. And make it sound like that's why he wants to do it rather than it having anything to do with you. It probably won't work for every visit, but it could make it sound like you aren't having to go back to your parents every single month at least. So most of the comments went after the partner and just like the two comments I read, some actually did give some good advice to OP. But I do want to push back a little bit. The OP part OP does write that her partner is on her side. And to go into some of the things that she goes she talks about. OP is asking as an opinion and advice over a suggestion she has yet made to the mother in law. Nobody has asked yet, so the first step to knowing is asking. But I want to touch back on this term she used. Unspoken rule. Who's unspoken rule? Mother in law visits, and then it just gets too hectic to her routine. So to make things easier, OP moves out. And from what it sounds like, mother in law stays for a few days. And this has just become routine for the past two years. Have you actually sat down with your mother-in-law about why she has the need to visit so constantly? If she's able to visit once a month, at the least, for a few days, it it clearly sounds like she lives close by. You are a post grad. I remember my college days. I would hate to be uprooted multiple times a year just to accommodate my mother in law's needs. My whole routine would just go out the window. Would you wanna push a little bit back on what you also said where you s you said she's in love with her son? look, as a mom myself, I'm obsessed with my kid. Granted, Rosehip is three years old. So how can I not be obsessed with my adorable toddler? But I will note that her mother-in-law's obsession is a bit too I don't want I don't want to say the words, but I'm pretty certain you can kind of guess where I'm going with that. And At the end of the day, OP, you sound like a very lovely woman and you clearly love your partner. It sounds like you're just afraid of any lashback because your mother in law has been accommodating to you and your partner. So you don't want to rock the boat. But It definitely sounds like it is warranted that you should ask. At least get the ball rolling. And it is good to hear that your partner is putting down those boundaries. It might be taking longer than you would like. But they are taking to place. Because at the end of the day, what happens after you graduate post grad? Is this routine still going to is this still going to be the routine that she comes over multiple times a year, monthly basically, and abends your space? You and your partner need to have a more serious conversation about this. I also want it I also want you to get out of your head that this is not your apartment. You do a lot for the apartment as you said you contribute to groceries and funds. The only thing that you don't contribute is to renting. You will start contributing to renting once you graduate postgrad. You have lived with your partner for two years. This is just your place. As much as it is his. And Unspoken rules can be broken. So I wish you all the luck and hopefully a happy ending. Okay. I think it's this is a good place to stop and go off to our next leaf. Before I start this next story, I would like to make a trigger warning for divorce and infidelity. If you would like to skip the story, timestamps are below. Okay. This story comes from R slash I Overreacting. Am I overreacting for telling my children's mother she isn't welcome to their birthday party that I plan? I am divorced for two years now, and my ex is still dating the man she had an affair with. She still refuses to admit to the affair despite the overwhelming evidence. The kids call him daddy first name now, even though they're only dating. We have a high conflict co parenting situation. I've asked for a parenting coordinator and she refused. I've asked for co-parent counseling and she refused forever until recently, and we have each had one session separately. We have a relocation trial happening next year because she wants to take our kids and move across the country for her to be closer to her family and a fair partner. I've refused to let her move with the kids, and now a judge will decide. Since the trial proceedings begun, she's done a lot of mudslinging, accusing me of negligence when I dropped off the kids at school and they smelled like urine. They didn't, though, and I confirmed with their teachers they didn't through email. She has the kids report between houses how much screen time they have, baths, what they eat for lunch and dinner, etc. A judge has politely told her twice to stop having the kids do this, and unfortunately it continues. My one son will literally ask me how many baths they had so they can tell mommy when it's close to swapping homes. I'm not doing anything different than what I did when we were married with hygiene, cooking, etc. I wanted the kids to start therapy and she refused, even though our separation agreement said she has to give consent. A judge told her to allow therapy. The kids' birthdays are coming up soon. Last year she wanted to have the four of us have a birthday dinner together like we used to. I refused. She told the kids, Daddy isn't ready. Hading a shared birthday event was dreadful last year. Some of my family didn't come because of how awkward it was. This year I asked her not to have her affair partner come to our kids' birthday celebrations. He likely wouldn't because he lives far away. But I still want to establish my boundaries. She refused to answer, plus because of the other behavior above. I told her I'm done with joint birthdays from here on. She has her celebrations with who she wants and how she wants. And I'll do the same. She made it seem like she would come to my celebration, and I clarified that she is not invited to my celebration. I arranged for our children. And until co parenting dynamics change, it will remain this way. The mudslinging, the gaslighting, the tension, and making me look like the bad guys to our children is too much for me to deal with on a yearly basis. From here on, separate lives, except sharing our children. Am I overreacting? So this was a really heavy story. I wanna zoom out for I wanna zoom out because as as you can read, this is not a story about a birthday party. This is a story about a man who's literally stopped agreeing to perform for a family that doesn't exist anymore. The birthday dinner the ex wanted last year, where all four of them are at one table like they used to. That was for that was for show. OP declined to be part of it, and his ex responded with Daddy isn't ready. Like, what? And it sounds like he still did the dinner, in which a lot of his family didn't tend to because it felt awkward. Like, duh. But The part that boils my blood the most about the story. And I'm trying to find it really hard to keep my composure. aside from the affair, which is already horrible in its own in its own right. OP writes how a judge told his ex twice twice to stop having the children report back to her on baths, on screen time, on what they ate for dinner. He's using the kids for evidence. For what outcome? I honestly don't know. But fortunately OP has all the disputes in writing. And now to OP. I can read how exhausted you are and how tired you are. You are worried about the outcome. You're frightened about losing your kids. You have fought hard against a very unfair opponent. But the fight's not done. You just need to hold on a little longer 'cause your kids need you. And like I said, you have everything you're writing. Just keep doing what you're doing. You're you're almost there. Overall the Redditors landed on not overreacting. I would like to address the X as nicely as I can, mother to mother, but I do also want to touch on some comments OP had left in the comments of the post. So in the comments OP tells other commenters that at forty he found out his own father had been unfaithful. And how his parents divorced when he was a kid and had kept everything separate. And now that as an adult with his own kids, he understands why. He also realized through therapy that he basically married his father. And how his past relationships every partner he had previously has cheated on him. He even goes to note that his picker sucks. OP also goes on to note, he chose his his ex because she looks safe, wholesome, religious, and good family sport. And when he had met her, he was coming off of another relationship where he'd been cheated on. In his words, here's a woman who won't hurt me like that. And she didn't for about sixteen years. I suppose in the end, I was just as superficial for being with her. I wanted the illusion of what she could give a pretty wife, a beautiful family, and the perfect home. OP built a whole life as insurance against being hurt, and he still got hurt anyways, in exactly the same shape by the same person he chose specifically for being the opposite. And he doesn't let himself off either. He said that he was being superficial for wanting it. That it was just an illusion. The pretty wife. Perfect home. OP, I am happy that you're in therapy. You fought for your kids to have therapy as well. You are the first person in that line who has stopped and asked what actually happened. That is a pattern breaking in real time. So yay. When the kids grow, they will appreciate all that you've done. Okay, so now I wanna talk to the ex from mother to mother, if I may. And I know you won't see this. You hear or anything that I have to say. And even if you did, I'm pretty certain it won't land. And believe me, I do have a lot of things I would love to say to you. But I can see that you are someone who clearly loves her kids. You're just terrified. And somewhere along this divorce. It became about the war. But one thing I want you to consider is What you're doing is doing more harm to your kids. Deputizing them into a conflict that has nothing to do with them. I I can't even process the thoughts there. I am happy you have agreed to a co parenting counselor. But I also want you to be doing this not just for your ex, not for OP. But for your kids. And more so for yourself on how to be the best version of a mother you can be. Because at the end of the day, that's that's what it all sums up to. I also want to push back on the notion of doing things for the kids. There's another room with two parties. Kids adjust beautifully to two cakes. And two houses full of people who are happy. Because at the end of the day, it is best to have two happy parents, separated or not, than two miserable ones. So let your ex, let OP throw the party. Keep your peace and keep your distance, please. Okay. Now, next leaf. thank goodness. Last sip And this one is a little bit lighter. Our last leaf comes from r slash am I the butt face. Am I the butt face for not letting my wife organize my books as she wants? I'll try to be fair for her side. She's house proud and has an eye for the aesthetic that I just will never have. She's designed much of the home and wants to feel that it is a welcoming and beautiful place. And in all admission, I'm quite disorganized in many ways. Although I think the bookshelves have never been an issue. On my side, I want my books categorized by topic and think that grouping them by color. And within that by height is a terrible idea. I would have no idea where any given book is. I've asked I've said I want to keep the books tidy, just not this way. Her response is to be demonstratably upset with me. So am I the butt face for not bending, or is she the butt face for giving me the cold shoulder when I don't agree to her idea? So OP does provide an update, which I will read. Update. Following the comments, the shelves are in the living room, and it's a small apartment with a front door opening straight into this room. The shelves are somewhat focal along with a nice large TV adjacent to them Okay, so first thing, nobody in this story is wrong. OP's wife wants a home that feels beautiful and welcoming, and she's the one who has made it that way. OP wants to be able to find a book. Both of those are real. Neither of them is dumb in any way. And I should tell you where I'm standing because I'm not neutral on this side. My husband Chai and I We have our personalities. I do provide a lot of aesthetic accommodations to our lovely home. But he has as much say too. He has say in decorations and more importantly, I never touch his office space. So I do see the coin of where OP and OP's wife are coming from. I also want to be honest over one clear fact. OP and OP's wife do not have kids or or pets because my cats and Rosehip rule this house, regardless of how many times I've tried to clean it up. How many times Chai and I have tried to keep things organized? Rose hip is three, so naturally she's a little tornado that just barrels through. Now, more importantly, the update that OP has provided. The shelves are in the living room. It's a small apartment, so naturally they are a focal point when guests visit. I can see why she's fussing, but at the same time, they're his books. He's not saying it's messy. He's just saying that the aesthetic that she's looking for does not match his rhythm for how he likes his books to be arranged. And that is entirely true and very reasonable. And furthermore, as a wife, I hate the saying happy wife, happy life. That is such a wrong statement. It should be happy spouse, happy house. OP, you are not the butt face in any way. I would want to see why your your wife is acting this way with the home. maybe sit it out, sit down and talk it out. I also want to note that a lot of the commenters Mostly focused on how this was a hell no situation. That's just a dumb way to have Books displayed by how she would like it. Look, if I can color coordinate my books too in a fun aesthetic way, I would. But again, it depends on the context. But at the end of the day, these are OP's books. So Just sit down with your wife and talk it out. So in story one, we had an OP who packs a suitcase once a month and leaves her own apartment because it's easier than saying something. And in story three, we have an OP whose own bookshelves in his own living room get rearranged without anybody asking him first. Different messes, same shape. Both of them living with somebody who doesn't quite treat them as a full resident in their own home, and both of them coming down to a conversation that nobody has actually had. That's it. Just talk to your partner. All right. Next leaf. seems we're out of leaves for this episode. Now comes my favorite part. Pouring back into ourselves. And to be frank, this is still a new skill I'm still learning, especially as a mom with a full-time job and a new project. So I get it. Sometimes it feels like there aren't enough minutes in the day to get that me time, a walk, a workout, 10 minutes with a cup, where nobody needs anything from me. But just ten minutes with that warm cup of tea, coffee, wine, I'm not here to judge. I totally get it. But I'm also trying. So You wanna try with me? As I mentioned in my previous episode, every month I like to point you to an organization doing real work for women and children. I would like to highlight a few points of this month's charity, Adopt a Classroom. It's September, a time of new beginnings for a lot of us. Did you know most teachers spend around $895 a year of their own money on supplies for their classrooms? Adopt a classroom lets you donate to the organization directly, or you can find a teacher or school near you and give to them directly. Teachers post what they need to get through the school year so that they have the right tools for our children. So click the link in description below to learn more. And help these teachers have enough to pour back into the next generation. And just like that, we've come to the end of episode two. If one of these stories made you think of someone, send it to them. That's honestly how a show like this finds its people. Not ads. Just somebody forwarding a link and saying, Hey, this is us. And I want to hear from you, not just what you made with these stories. What you made of me. I hope good things. But if you would have landed somewhere differently. Did I miss something? I'm only one person with one read and I'm not always right. The rest of it lives in the comments, so feel free to type away and I'd be happy to read them. And if you got something out of today, please hit like and subscribe or follow me wherever you're listening. I know everyone says that, but for a show as small as mine, it actually matters. And it's the only way the next person who needs to find me can. As I said earlier, everything I mentioned is in the descriptions the tea of the month, this month's charity, as well as timestamps for every story, so you can skip anything you'd rather not sit with today. Well, my beautiful tea leaves, that's my pot. So before I sign off. Don't forget to go tell somebody that they look amazing and actually mean it. It is free, it makes you feel very good. And hey, it's the best thing somebody can hear on some random ordinary Tuesday. I'll see you next steep