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#HURDLEMOMENT: How NOT To Talk To Someone About Their Weight · Hurdle with Emily Abbate

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: The next time that you feel compelled to speak to
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  Speaker 1: someone about their weight, about their size, I encourage you
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  Speaker 1: to ask yourself, why is it that you feel the
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  Speaker 1: need to do it. Hayhurdler's Emily Body popping in with
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: another installment of Hurdle Moment from Hurdle I. This week,
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  Speaker 1: I want to talk about something that's a little taboo,
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  Speaker 1: and that is weight, kind of up there with topics
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  Speaker 1: like money and dating and sex. I had an interaction
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  Speaker 1: that I'm going to tell you about today that made
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  Speaker 1: me want to bring this to the feed conversation over Instagram,
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  Speaker 1: which kind of was off putting. And I don't know,
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  Speaker 1: It's just something that's going on a lot when we
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  Speaker 1: talk about in our culture someone's size and that being
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  Speaker 1: smaller is quote unquote necessarily better, and I'm just I'm
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  Speaker 1: tired of it. And so for Hurdle Moment today, I'm
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  Speaker 1: going to be chatting a little bit about the right
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  Speaker 1: way maybe to chat with someone you care about when
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  Speaker 1: it comes to their weight. And I say this with
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  Speaker 1: a disclaimer, and I come at this with my own
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  Speaker 1: personal experience. For those of you that have been listening
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  Speaker 1: to the show for a while, you know my backstory
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  Speaker 1: and that I lost seventy pounds and have kept it
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  Speaker 1: off since college. I'm not sitting here with this microphone
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  Speaker 1: to say that I have all the right insight, I
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  Speaker 1: have all of the right answers. I never claim to
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  Speaker 1: have all the answers. But what I do have, again
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  Speaker 1: is my own experience to bring to the table, and
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  Speaker 1: you know, just a story to share. Again. Weight can
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  Speaker 1: be a tough topic. So a couple things. First off,
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  Speaker 1: of you are struggling with yours, you are certainly not alone.
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  Speaker 1: It is a really hard thing to deal with, feeling
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  Speaker 1: either unhappy in your body or being on the other
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  Speaker 1: end of the spectrum sometimes being great and feeling so
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  Speaker 1: confident at your side when others might have an opinion,
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  Speaker 1: although who cares what they think about how you look.
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  Speaker 1: If this is a topic that isn't your jam, I
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  Speaker 1: respect it. It's cool. But again, here I am bringing
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  Speaker 1: someone to the feed that really resonated with me this week.
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  Speaker 1: If you like what you're listening to, If you feel
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  Speaker 1: this hard, please post this on social, share it on social,
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  Speaker 1: tag at Hurdle Podcasts and me over at Emily a Body,
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  Speaker 1: And if you want to chat about this or anything else,
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  Speaker 1: I'm always available for you over email. It's Emily at
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  Speaker 1: hurdle dot Us. I did talk about some of the
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  Speaker 1: themes I'm going to touch on in today's episode over
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  Speaker 1: on the newsletter a few weeks ago, when I wrote
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  Speaker 1: an essay on I don't want to talk to you
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  Speaker 1: about my quote unquote tone art. So if you're a hurdler,
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  Speaker 1: if you're a part of the community, you know this
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  Speaker 1: has been something that's been on my mind for a
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  Speaker 1: little while now, and I'm just here to jam out
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  Speaker 1: with that. Let's get to hurtling. I was a lot
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  Speaker 1: different in college. As I mean, any woman in her
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  Speaker 1: early thirties that tells you that she was her best
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  Speaker 1: in college, I would argue that maybe she needs to
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  Speaker 1: do some evaluating. I was certainly growing up coming into
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  Speaker 1: my own in college, and during that time, as I
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  Speaker 1: mentioned in the intro, I went through a really big
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  Speaker 1: life change, a really dramatic weight loss. I decided to
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  Speaker 1: lose weight at that time because I didn't feel comfortable
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  Speaker 1: in my own skin. I didn't feel comfortable in my body,
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  Speaker 1: I wasn't happy, and I felt uncomfortable taking photos. I
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  Speaker 1: felt like my negative self talk was overwhelming, and upon
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  Speaker 1: stepping on a scale. That was really the tipping point
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  Speaker 1: when I was confronted with what I had a feeling of,
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  Speaker 1: what I had an inkling of, which was that not
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  Speaker 1: only was I not feeling my best, but just seeing
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  Speaker 1: a number over two hundred pounds, it really just hit
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  Speaker 1: me like a ton of bricks. At the time. In college,
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  Speaker 1: I knew a lot of people. I was part of
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  Speaker 1: a sorority, I was involved in the Greek community. I
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  Speaker 1: was on Panellenic, which I feel like won't surprise many
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  Speaker 1: of you. And even though I did lose that weight
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  Speaker 1: back in college, even though I was of that size
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  Speaker 1: that I am right now, back then, I still get
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  Speaker 1: messages from time to time from people that I knew,
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  Speaker 1: maybe in my younger years freshman, sophomore, at the beginning
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  Speaker 1: of junior year, and see what I'm doing with my
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  Speaker 1: life now, and they're like, Wow, There's this one woman
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  Speaker 1: that I went to college with that has over the
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  Speaker 1: past few years messaged me time and time again, not
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  Speaker 1: just asking about workout tips, as I get many dms
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  Speaker 1: about workout tips. I am a fitness list, I get that,
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  Speaker 1: but she has taken it upon herself to constantly comment
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  Speaker 1: about my appearance, saying things like, you look so small,
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  Speaker 1: your arms are so toned, Oh my god, my legs
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  Speaker 1: are so fat. I could never wear something like that.
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  Speaker 1: So on and so forth. And finally, earlier this week,
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  Speaker 1: when one of these messages came in, I replied, and
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  Speaker 1: I finally said something. I said, let me look at
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  Speaker 1: my phone because I want to make sure I get
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  Speaker 1: this right. I say this coming from a place of love,
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  Speaker 1: but it might be great if you could think twice
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  Speaker 1: before complimenting others on their size, not knowing what their
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  Speaker 1: personal journeys are, what their stories are, it can be
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  Speaker 1: a really dangerous rope to walk. I say this to
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  Speaker 1: you because when I scroll through our interactions, you have
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  Speaker 1: commented on my size many many times. And women, woman,
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  Speaker 1: there are many other things worth celebrating. Now. Granted, we
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  Speaker 1: went on to have a brief conversation and she said
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  Speaker 1: she never really thought about it like that. I prompted
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  Speaker 1: her to maybe gut check herself, and I wonder, you know,
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  Speaker 1: what's the conversation that's happening inside of her head, what's
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  Speaker 1: that negative self talk like? And maybe that is the
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  Speaker 1: place where she could point her attention. I also reiterated,
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  Speaker 1: as I said that there's a lot more to happiness
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  Speaker 1: than size. People can find happiness at all different sizes,
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  Speaker 1: and now is as good of a time as any
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  Speaker 1: to work on her own inner dialogue and maybe challenge
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  Speaker 1: the script that she has written for herself. And I've
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  Speaker 1: been thinking about this interaction ever since, because happiness comes
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  Speaker 1: in all sizes. So when you go to compliment someone
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  Speaker 1: or comment on someone's size or appearance, you have no
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  Speaker 1: idea if they're happy at the side that you think
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  Speaker 1: that maybe they would be happy at. And dear, I
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  Speaker 1: have spoken to so many women that have lost weight
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  Speaker 1: because they are dealing with awful, awful things in their lives, right,
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  Speaker 1: eating disorders, anxiety, troubling weight loss because of relationships gone wrong,
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  Speaker 1: poor interactions, losing their jobs. I mean, I don't need
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  Speaker 1: to tell you. The list of why weight loss can
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  Speaker 1: happen is endless. And I say this just leading into
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  Speaker 1: some thoughts on maybe the right way to talk to
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  Speaker 1: someone about their size, which really is firstly that there
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  Speaker 1: is no one right way, and secondly that really it
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  Speaker 1: should never be about their size. Right if you see
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  Speaker 1: someone that you care about, that you know and keep
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  Speaker 1: in mind here there's a caveat here because although you
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  Speaker 1: might care about someone on social media, although you might
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  Speaker 1: be a part of their community, oftentimes maybe it's not
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  Speaker 1: your role to comment to them or reach out to
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  Speaker 1: them about their size. But that's an other issue. Also,
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  Speaker 1: I bring this up with an understanding that many of
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  Speaker 1: the individuals that might follow me on social media, they
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  Speaker 1: reach out to me when they need help or want
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  Speaker 1: help or want feedback. And I want you to know
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  Speaker 1: that I will always always listen to what you have
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  Speaker 1: to say and always give you my honest opinion. I
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  Speaker 1: want you to feel comfortable coming to me, but you
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  Speaker 1: have to understand what comes with coming to me again,
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  Speaker 1: that honesty, that transparency. I will never air out your
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  Speaker 1: identity or who you are. But here I am on
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  Speaker 1: the pod bringing up an important conversation that just happened
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  Speaker 1: to come through my DMS. I remember what it felt
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  Speaker 1: like to feel alone, to feel like no one understood me,
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  Speaker 1: and I would have killed to have someone who knew
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  Speaker 1: how I felt back in college when I didn't feel worthy.
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  Speaker 1: I get it. So in telling you this story and
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  Speaker 1: being open and honest, I just hope that you understand
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  Speaker 1: that I am here for you because I know that
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  Speaker 1: it matters. If you have a friend that you notice
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  Speaker 1: has maybe lost weight. I would encourage you to then
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  Speaker 1: open up a safe dialogue with them that could lead
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  Speaker 1: to a discussion on weight and what's going on there,
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  Speaker 1: but really focuses bigger picture this person. They need to
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  Speaker 1: know that you are there for them, regardless of how
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  Speaker 1: they look, and so the conversation can look like this.
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  Speaker 1: It can be you asking them about how things have
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  Speaker 1: been going lately. Is there anything new going on in
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  Speaker 1: your life? I'm really struggling personally about eating lunch at home.
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  Speaker 1: What have you been eating lately? There are so many
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  Speaker 1: questions that you can ask to learn about how a
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  Speaker 1: person is doing, especially if you really care about them
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  Speaker 1: and they care about you, where you feel like it
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  Speaker 1: can be an honest conversation where you don't need to say, hey,
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  Speaker 1: I noticed that you you've lost weight. Also, by saying
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  Speaker 1: that as well with like a positive connotation, you also
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  Speaker 1: indicate that whatever size they were before may not have
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  Speaker 1: been good enough. And what an awful feeling is that? Right?
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  Speaker 1: You know, we live in this society where we're so
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  Speaker 1: often complimenting others on something like their physical appearance, But
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  Speaker 1: what about the stuff that's inside. I love the messages
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  Speaker 1: that talk about empowerment and confidence, and I ran for
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  Speaker 1: an extra three minutes today, like, let's focus on those
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  Speaker 1: beautiful wins that have nothing to do with aesthetics. I
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  Speaker 1: asked myself why it was that I got a little
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  Speaker 1: defensive at first when I got her message the other day,
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  Speaker 1: when I get messages that talk about size, that talk
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  Speaker 1: about staying quote unquote fit in quarantine, and it just
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  Speaker 1: it hurts my heart because it leads me to believe
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  Speaker 1: that so many people just feel frustrated right now. And
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  Speaker 1: although it is a comment on what might be going
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  Speaker 1: on with me, it is more so or reflection of
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  Speaker 1: what may or may not be going on with the
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  Speaker 1: person that's reaching out. And so, rather than meeting what
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  Speaker 1: is often meant to be positivity and praise with anger,
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  Speaker 1: I find it to be my responsibility to turn the
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  Speaker 1: dialogue around and ask them thought provoking positive questions in return,
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  Speaker 1: instead of talking specifics about my workout routine or how
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  Speaker 1: I am toning and I hate the word toning. I
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  Speaker 1: hate it. I focus on the things that are really important,
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  Speaker 1: like about my self, care about the way that I'm
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  Speaker 1: giving back to me, and yes that might involve early
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  Speaker 1: morning runs and lifting weights, but it is so much
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  Speaker 1: bigger than that. Even the quote unquote fittest people women
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  Speaker 1: and men that feel confident in their body, that are
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  Speaker 1: happy with their appearance, that doesn't mean that they don't
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  Speaker 1: go through challenges dealing with things like positive self image
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  Speaker 1: and getting rid of negative self talk. And so the
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  Speaker 1: next time that you feel compelled to speak to someone
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  Speaker 1: about their weight, about their size, I encourage you to
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  Speaker 1: ask yourself, why is it that you feel the need
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  Speaker 1: to do it? Right now, more than ever, it is
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  Speaker 1: so critical that we show up for the people that
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  Speaker 1: we care about. We stop making others feel as though
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  Speaker 1: they are not good enough in one way or another
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  Speaker 1: because of the way that things might look, and we
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  Speaker 1: approach situations with an understanding that we are always only
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  Speaker 1: seeing a piece of the puzzle, especially when it comes
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  Speaker 1: to someone that you may not know all that well
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  Speaker 1: via social media. What you see on social media, you
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  Speaker 1: hear it time and time again. It is a highlight reel,
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  Speaker 1: a very carefully curated highlight reel. If this is resonating
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  Speaker 1: with you, if you feel what I have to say,
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  Speaker 1: let it be a reminder that you are not alone.
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  Speaker 1: Will always come to you from a place of honesty,
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: bringing to you my own experiences. And while yes, I
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  Speaker 1: could sit here and talk to you about the things
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  Speaker 1: that have worked for me when it came to losing
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  Speaker 1: weight back in college and even at points during this quarantine,
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  Speaker 1: my goal has never been a number on the scale,
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  Speaker 1: but rather just for me to find my happiest self.
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  Speaker 1: That self is possible at so many different numbers on
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  Speaker 1: that scale. I know it, and you know it. And
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  Speaker 1: what's important is that we support one another in getting
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  Speaker 1: to that happy, safe place. And if you're going to
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  Speaker 1: dare to approach conversations that have to do with someone's
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  Speaker 1: size or appearance, gut check yourself and have a little
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  Speaker 1: bit of grace. Okay At Emily Abadi at Hurdle Podcast,
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  Speaker 1: Another Hurdle conquered. Catch you guys next time in my