Latest / Back Porch Confessions / SUDDEN KINDNESS AFTER CONFLICT: GENUINE OR FAKE?
Transcript
- Gravesb41: Sometimes my soul is just tired, tired of being strong, tired of carrying the heaviness, tired of fighting battles nobody else can see. And maybe you know that kind of tired too. The kind of tired that doesn't come from sleep, the kind of tired that settles deep in your heart, your mind and your spirit, the kind that comes from surviving, enduring, holding it all together and still showing up when your life had tried to take everything out of you. But here's the truth. Being tired does not mean you are weak, it does not mean you are broken, and it does not mean your story is over. At Renewed Mind we talk about the hard things, the hidden heaviness, the silent battles, the trauma, the grief, the healing, and the fight to keep going when your soul feels weary. This is the place where strong people can finally tell the truth, where healing gets honest, where pain is spoken out loud. And where the ones who have spent their whole lives pouring into others can find a space to breathe, be seen, and remember they are worth the battle too because sometimes the healer needs healing. Sometimes the strong ones need somewhere soft to land, and sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is admit you're tired and keep choosing to heal anyway. This is renewed mind, real talk, real pain, real healing. One honest conversation at a time. Welcome to Back Porch Confessions, where the sweet tea is strong, the stories are stronger, and no topic is too taboo for the porch. Grab a seat, kick off your shoes, and let's get into the kind of conversation your mama warned you about, but you listen anyway. Back Porch Confessions: Hey, hey, this is Back Porch Confessions. sudden kindness after conflict, genuine or fake. When kindness becomes emotional bait. Hey guys, as always, Barbara here. Welcome to a Back Porch Confessions. Come on in, come on up, grab your coffee, grab your sweet tea, grab your water, grab whatever keeps you hydrated and reasonably pleasant because today, we're getting into something. And I have a feeling some of you are going to hear this episode and say, well, wait a minute. Because today we're talking about something that can be incredibly confusing in relationships, sudden kindness after conflict. You know what I'm talking about. Yesterday they were angry, cold, dismissive, maybe even cruel. Maybe they ignored you. Maybe they said something hurtful. Maybe they completely shut down. Maybe there was a huge argument. Maybe they crossed a boundary. Maybe even you finally confronted them about something they've been doing. And then suddenly Good morning, beautiful. Want some coffee? Need anything from the store? Have I told you lately how wonderful you are? Excuse me, sir? Ma'am? Who are you? And what have you done with the person I was arguing with twelve hours ago? Because yesterday I couldn't get an ounce of empathy out of you. And today you're practically auditioning for a Hallmark movie? And that's when you start wondering, right, is this genuine? Did they actually think about what happened? Did they realize they hurt me? Are they trying to reconnect? Or is this just emotional bait? Are they being nice because they want me to stop being upset? Are they trying to get things back to normal without ever addressing really what happened? Because those are very different things. And that's what we're talking about today. But before we go any further, I want to make something very clear. Kindness after conflict is not automatically. Manipulation. It's not what I'm saying. Healthy people can absolutely calm down, reconsider their behavior, soften, and attempt reconnection. Sometimes somebody wakes up the next morning and genuinely thinks, I handled that badly. I love this person. I want to make this right. That is healthy. But genuine repair usually contains something that emotional bait doesn't. And that's accountability. Because being nice isn't the same thing as making things right. Let me say that again. Being nice isn't the same thing as making things right. And if you've spent your life accepting kindness instead of accountability, today's conversation might hit just a little bit different. So this morning, after confusion, let's paint the picture. You have an argument. Maybe it's with your partner, maybe it's your friend. Maybe it's a family member. Maybe it's someone you work with. And you finally tell them, something you did hurt me. And the conversation goes sideways. They become defensive. Maybe they minimize it. Maybe they say you're too sensitive. Maybe they turn it around. Maybe they shut you down. maybe they shut the whole thing down. Maybe they leave. Maybe they give you the silent treatment. Maybe nothing gets resolved. So you go to bed hurt, you're lying there, replaying everything, you're trying to figure out what just happened, and the next morning they act like nothing happened. Want me to make you breakfast? And now you're confused, right? Because part of you is still hurt. But another part thinks, well, they're being nice. Maybe we're okay. Maybe I shouldn't bring it up again. Maybe bringing it up would ruin the good mood. And that is where things get complicated. Because suddenly there's kindness, their kindness rather creates pressure for you to move on. Right? Nothing was resolved, nothing was repaired, and nothing was acknowledged. But because they're being pleasant, now you feel like the difficult one. If you say anything like, actually, I'm still hurt. And that is one of the first things I want you to recognize. Kindness should not erase your right to finish a conversation. Kindness and repair are not the same thing. This is the foundation of today's entire conversation. Kindness is behavior. Repair is a process. Somebody can bring you flowers. That's kindness. Somebody can make you dinner. That's kindness. Somebody can send you a sweet text message. That's kindness. Somebody can suddenly become affectionate. That's kindness. But repair requires more, right? Repair sounds like I've been thinking about what happened. I understand why you were hurt. I shouldn't have spoken to you that way. I get defensive instead of listening. I'm sorry. What can I do differently? That, those words, those are repair. That's repair. And here's the big difference. Genuine repair doesn't require you to pretend the injury didn't happen. It makes room for the injury. Emotional bait tries to distract you from it. Are you cluing in now? So why sudden kindness works so well? Why can sudden kindness be so powerful? Because our brains respond to relief, right? Think about it. You've been tense. There's been conflict. Your nervous system is activated. You don't know what's happening with the relationship. You don't know if they're still angry. You don't know whether or not another fight is coming. Then suddenly they're nice. Your nervous system says, we're safe again. And that relief can feel so good that you don't want to jeopardize it, right? So you also don't want to bring bring it back up, that issue. You don't want to bring that issue back up. You don't ask the uncomfortable question. You don't enforce the boundary. You think, let's just have a good day. And listen, sometimes that's okay. I get it. Not every disagreement needs a three-day summit at Camp David. Sometimes people argue, they cool down, they realize it wasn't that serious, they reconnect. Fine. But if something important happened, if there was disrespect, dishonesty, boundary crossing, cruelty, repeated bad behavior, then niceness cannot become the substitute for resolution. So we got to hit that reset button. Some people don't repair conflict, they reset it. There's a difference. They don't say, let's work through what happened. They simply wait until enough time passes. Then restart the relationship. Does that sound familiar? Like unplugging the Wi Fi router, turning it off, wait 30 seconds, plug it back in. There, everything's fine. Except relationships don't work like that. Routers. Because unresolved hurt doesn't really disappear just because everybody started talking again. It goes underground, and eventually you have ten unresolved arguments sitting underneath one relationship. Then one day somebody leaves a spoon in the sink, as you've heard me use that analogy, and World War III begins. And everybody says, This is ridiculous. We're fighting over a spoon. Well, no. You're not about the spoon. Your fight is not about the spoon. Your fight is about the last forty seven things nobody actually repaired. So, in that, what is the emotional bait? So, I got something on my face, y'all. When I'm using the phrase emotional bait today, here's what I mean. I'm talking about affection, kindness, attention, gifts, reassurance, humor, warmth functions intentionally or unintentionally, to pull you back into emotional closeness without dealing with the behavior that created the distance, right? And notice what I just said. It wasn't always calculated. People can develop unhealthy conflict habits without sitting in a dark room planning how to manipulate somebody. Sometimes they learned it in childhood. Maybe their family never apologized. Everybody screamed Tuesday night. Then Wednesday morning, mom made pancakes and nobody ever made mention of it again. That was repair. So that's what you learned. That's what they learned. But whether it's intentional or learned, the effect can still be unhealthy because one person receives comfort while the other person's hurt remains unresolved. So the question isn't: are they being nice? Here's a better question. What happens if I bring the issue back up? That will tell you a whole lot. Imagine somebody hurts you the next day. They're incredibly sweet. So you say, I appreciate how kind you're being today. But I still want us to talk about what happened last night. Watch what happens. If the response is, absolutely, I've been thinking about it too. Okay, that's a good sign. Maybe their kindness really is an attempt at reconnection. But what if the response is, my God, are you still talking about that? That's a different story, right? I've been nice to you all day and you're still not happy. Interesting. Or nothing I do is ever good enough for you. There it is, right? Or why are you trying to start another fight? Wait, wanting resolution isn't necessarily starting another fight. If kindness disappears the moment accountability appears, pay attention. Pay attention. The accountability test. Here's one of the biggest questions I want you to remember from this entire episode. Can their kindness coexist with your truth? Because genuine care can. A person who genuinely wants repair can be loving and hear that you're still hurt. They might not agree with every detail. They might have their own perspective. The healthy conflict doesn't require one person to surrender their entire viewpoint. But they can stay present. They can listen. They can acknowledge impact. They can tolerate your discomfort without immediately making about theirs. Emotional bait often comes with an unspoken contract. I'm being nice now. So you need to stop being upset. That's not repair. That's emotional debt. And affection shouldn't create emotional debt, right? So the gift after the fight. Let's talk about gifts, flowers, dinner, a surprise, money, vacation, jewelry. Gosh, I've had a few of these. Something you've wanted. Now, gifts can absolutely be part of an apology. Not saying that can't be true. There is nothing entirely wrong with someone saying, I acted like a fool yesterday. I'm sorry. I brought you your favorite coffee. Okay, I'll take the coffee. We can drink it while you explain why you lost your ever-loving mind. I'm kidding, kind of. But here's the point: the gift isn't the apology. The gift can accompany the apology. There's a big difference. If you hurt me, then buy me something, but refuse to acknowledge that you hurt me. You haven't repaired the relationship. You've decorated the wound. That's all that's happened there. A decoration of the wound. So sometimes it goes beyond the gift. Sometimes it jumps into say love bombing versus a healthy reconnection. People use the term love bombing a lot now. I do. I use it a lot. Sometimes correctly, sometimes every time somebody sends three heart emojis. So let's be careful. Not every affection gesture is love bombing. Not every intense reconnection is manipulation. The pattern matters. So ask, is there a repeated cycle? Conflict, cruelty, distance, sudden affection, reconnection, countability, temporary calm, same behavior, conflict again. Now we're looking at something more concerning because you're not seeing repair. You're just seeing repetition. We don't want repetition. That speaks volumes. Repetition speaks volumes, right? So you get stuck in this cycle. the cycle that repeats itself over and over again. So let's let's talk about trying to break that cycle down. Tension builds, right? Something happens, conflict then erupts, and one person gets I don't know, hurt distance develops, then the person who caused the hurt becomes unusually affectionate. Does that sound familiar? And then the person that feels all the pain, well that then becomes more of a problem, right? Does that make sense? I am talking to you guys like you're standing right here in front of me, right? So the person who caught all the pain, caused all the pain, the person who caused most of the hurt becomes unusually affectionate. The hurt person feels relief, connection resumes, the original problem disappears. And then what? Right? And then what? What happens when the original problem disappears? From the conversation. Nothing changes. Tension begins building again. Repeat and repeat and repeat. And the sweetness becomes part of the cycle. That's why you can't evaluate one nice moment by itself. You have to zoom out to see the whole picture. Patterns tell you what moments cannot. Pay attention to the patterns. Then you have like an how do I want to say it? Mm you have like A psychological presence that you need to pick up in regards to like intermittent behavior and reinforcement of behavior. And there's a there's a there's a psychological concept that's important here that I want you guys to I guess really hear. So intermittent reinforcement in simple simple terms is when something rewarding happens unpredictably We can become especially focused on waiting for the reward to return. Think about a relationship where affection is inconsistent. Sometimes they're warm, sometimes cold, sometimes incredibly attentive, sometimes emotionally unavailable. Sometimes they make you feel like the most important person alive. Sometimes you feel like you're invisible. That unpredictability can make you hyper-focused on the relationship. You start chasing the good version. You think, there they are, that's the person I love. And after conflict, sudden affection can feel especially powerful. Because it does what? It brings back the good version, the one that you really like. But ask yourself. Is this who they are consistently? Or is this who they temporarily become when they feel me or you pulling away? Make sure you're paying attention to that part. Because when kindness appears after you've set a boundary, boy, this one. When you finally say, I can't keep doing this, suddenly they're listening, right? Suddenly they're affectionate. Suddenly they're promising you everything, the sun, the moon, and the stars and everything in between. I understand now. I'm changing. I'll do anything. I know I get complacent. I'll get better at it. I don't want to lose you. And maybe they do mean that. People can have a wake-up calls. Sometimes the possibility of losing a relationship genuinely makes someone realize how serious the situation has become. But do not measure change by the intensity of the promise. Big mistake. Measure it by what happens after the crisis passes. Anybody can change for three days. Anybody can become attentive when they're afraid of losing access to you. The question is. What happens three weeks later? Three months later? When they feel secure again, when you're no longer halfway out the door, consistency answers questions that promises cannot. And I know. So when your boundary makes them extra sweet, sometimes sudden kindness comes right after you establish a boundary. And this can confuse people, people pleasers, especially. I can be a people pleaser. So you say, I'm not comfortable with that anymore. And suddenly the person becomes incredibly nice. Now you're thinking, maybe I was too harsh. Maybe I don't need the boundary. Maybe they've changed. No, don't do that. Slow down. You don't have to punish them. You don't have to assume the worst. You can appreciate the kindness and keep the boundary. Those two things can exist together. So you say, I appreciate that. And you keep your boundary. You don't have to surrender a healthy boundary as payment for someone being pleasant. Don't do that. There's another part of this that the body knows. I'm always talking to you guys about how the body keeps the score. The body knows. The body knows something is off. Right? Have you ever been in that position where the body your body knew something was off? Have you ever have you ever had sorry my my screen is jumping around on me. My Wi Fi is giving me issues. I'm sorry. Hopefully it'll be all right. Have you ever had somebody be incredibly nice to you, but you still felt tense? And then you felt guilty for being tense. Because you're thinking they're being nice. Why can't I relax? Sometimes your nervous system hasn't forgotten what your conscious mind is trying to move past. That doesn't automatically mean the person is dangerous or manipulative. Our bodies can remain activated after conflict even when repair is genuine. But don't shame yourself for needing time. You don't owe instant emotional access because somebody changed their tone. Trust can and does require repetition. Safety is often built through consistency, right? We all need consistency in our relationships, any ship that we're on. But in our minds we're going but they're being so nice now. I hear this conversation. How many times have you heard it from your friends? How many times have you heard it? But they're being so nice now. I hear this about relationships. But things have been really good lately. Okay, good. I want things to be good. But let's ask another question. Why are things good? Are they good because something has changed, or are they be good because nobody is discussing the problem? I even go through this one on my own, you know. There's a difference between peace and silence. There's a difference between resolution and avoidance. There's a difference between harmony and everybody being too afraid to mention the elephant that's sitting in the room. Sitting right there eating on the couch. Cheetos, eating those nasty Cheetos. So what happens then? We have that fake peace. Have you ever had fake peace show up? Don't bring it back up. Don't rock that boat. Right? They're in a good mood. Let's just enjoy this. Real peace says we can talk about hard things and remain connected. Fake peace requires silence. Real peace can survive through truth, though. Remember that. Real peace survives through truth. So when humor, you know me, I love humor. I'm a humor person. Humor becomes the escape hatch. It can be for me at times. A lot of times it is for my partner. So what do we do when humor becomes the escape hatch? Some people use humor after conflict. And listen, I love it. You know I do. I love humor. Sometimes humor is genuinely beautiful. Couples laugh, friends tease. It happens, right? So humor can regulate what's going on around you. But at the same time, sometimes humor it it becomes a h escape hatch for someone who is trying to, I don't know, trying to say something they actually believe. But they're trying to say it in a in a humorous kind of way. And they're, I was just joking. But they weren't. So say you're on the other end and you say, I really need to talk about what happened. And they crack a joke. You laugh. Tension breaks a little bit. The conversation disappears. And 20 minutes later, you're watching Netflix and you think, wait, wait a minute. Did we just completely skip that? Yep. Yep. You did. You completely skipped it. Humor can reconnect you. But reconnection still needs repair when repair is necessary. Don't allow humor or somebody's use of humor to deflect what's actually needing to be said in your relationship. So then we get into the parts of this that have the sex sexual and physical affections after conflict. I know taboo subject. How dare I bring it up? But we need to talk about this too. Physical affection can feel incredibly powerful after conflict. Hugging, kissing, sex, cuddling, all of that can genuinely be part of reconnection between consenting adults. But physical closeness shouldn't be used to bypass emotional accountability. If you don't feel ready for physical closeness after conflict, you're allowed to say that. You can say it. I love you. But I need us to talk first. And that's not punishment. That's just honesty. And if somebody becomes angry because affection didn't instantly erase your hurt, Pay attention to that response because that genuinely speaks volumes. Gravesb41: Y'all, let me tell you about one of my favorite little gyms back home in Robinson, Illinois. If you're looking for boutique style that feels good, fits right, and doesn't break the bank, you have to stop by Polished Boutique, owned by my sweet friend, Mindy, and her two friends, Jennifer and Valerie. And it's ran with heart, y'all. Polished is one of those places where you're not just shopping, you're family. From on-trend outfits, cozy everyday staples, statement accessories, and deals that make your wallet smile, Polished has something for every woman, every season of life. So if you're anywhere near Robinson, Illinois, go see Mindy and her girls at Polished Boutique. Tell them Back porch confession sent you. And don't be surprised if you leave feeling a little more confident than when you walked in. Polished Boutique, where style meets heart. Back Porch Confessions: So when we get into the portion of sudden kindness after they think you're leaving. Have you been in this situation? I mean, I know I have a couple of times in my life, recently and in the past. This is where people get really confused. So you've asked for change for months and nothing. You've cried, nothing. You've explained and over explained nothing. You've begged nothing. Or you get the whole response of I know. I'm working on it. I've just and then they give you tons of excuses as to why they can't accomplish this. And then you say, I think I'm done. And suddenly everything changes. The flowers come in. The sweet text messages come in. The undivided attention that you get, the promises, the let's go to counseling. I'll change, I'll change. Just give me one more chance. And again, people can genuinely wake up when consequences become real. So don't automatically label it fake, but also don't automatically label it change. Let time answer. Real change doesn't demand immediate trust. Real change understands. I spent months damaging this. I might need months of consistent behavior to rebuild it. And can you hear me in the back of the room? That is months of consistent behavior to rebuild. That's where maturity comes in. It doesn't always exist. So then we get into the point of the difference between remorse and the fear of consequences. This distinction matters more than you all could ever even realize. Remorse says I hate that I hurt you. Fear of consequences says I hate what your hurt might cost me. Did you hear that? Did you hear the difference between the two? Those can look similar at first. So, my advice: watch behavior. Remorse focuses on impact. Fear of consequences, it's gonna focus on access. Remorse will ask, how can I make this safer for you? Fear of consequences ask, When are you going to get over this? Remorse accepts that trust takes time. Fear of consequences becomes impatient when the apology doesn't immediately restore privileges. Did you did you hear that one? Fear consequences become impatient when the apology doesn't immediately restore privileges. Look out. There's a major difference there. So just because an apology came doesn't mean apology without change is okay. I've been saying it this whole time so far. So I'm sorry. Beautiful words as they are. But an apology without behavioral change eventually becomes just noise. It's just noise. If somebody apologies for something, apologizes for something. And the same behavior repeatedly happens? But the behavior never changes. At some point, the question becomes what does I'm sorry actually mean coming from that person? An apology should eventually produce information, right? I understand what I did. I understand how it affected you. I accept responsibility. I'm working to change the behavior. If those pieces are consistently missing, You may be receiving regret and not repair. Remember that too. So when you're the one doing it, okay. So we're not spending this entire episode pointing fingers. Cause you know the other fingers are pointing back at us, right? Because sometimes we are the sudden kindness person. Yep. Come on, you know it. We're going to be grown-ups on this porch. Maybe you hate conflict. Maybe you get uncomfortable after an argument. Maybe you make coffee the next morning hoping everything will magically disappear. Maybe you become extra affectionate because apology or apologizing feels too vulnerable for you. Maybe you've learned that doing something nice was easier than saying I was wrong. Hear me out. That doesn't automatically make you manipulative. But it might mean you've got some emotional work to do. So ask yourself, do I use kindness to reconnect? Or do I use kindness to avoid accountability? It's a very powerful question and only you can answer that. or the person on the other side, if they're telling you, hey, you keep apologizing, but it's not getting anywhere. Why does apologizing feel so hard? For some people, admitting fault feels dangerous. Maybe mistakes were punished harshly growing up. Maybe being wrong meant humiliation. Maybe apologies were viewed as weakness. Maybe they learned to protect themselves through defensiveness. So now saying I hurt you feels like saying I'm a terrible person. But healthy accountability separates behavior from identity. I'm gonna say that again. Healthy accountability separates behavior from identity. I did something hurtful doesn't mean I am irredeemably horrible. It means I am human. I screwed up. Now I have an opportunity to repair it. That's all it means. But it's so hard to swallow that pill for some people. I have a child that is that way. So how do we get a healthy post conflict repair? What does healthy repair actually look like? Well, I mean, something like this last night got out of hand. I thought about what you said, and I understand why you're upset. I shouldn't have spoken to you that way. I was defensive and I'm sorry. I want to hear what you need from me. And I want to figure out how to keep this from happening again. That's healthy, right? Did you notice something? There was no excuses. There was no I'm sorry buts. There was no I'm sorry you feel that way. There's no I'm sorry, but you made me and no demands. No demands of now forgive me. There's room, there's humility, there's responsibility, there's curiosity. That's different. Pay attention to that. And I'm sorry you feel that way. Coming from somebody though. Lord. Can you believe it, you guys? I just can't believe it. I'm going to record today. And what's happening? The neighbor's Moe guy is mowing the yard. Of course it's like a bat signal goes out. Make as much noise as we can outside. She's recording. Anyway, back to reality. So when an I'm sorry. You feel that way comes out. I know for some of us, when that comes out of somebody's mouth, we immediately want to come absolutely unglued, just unglued, and I get it. So we have arrived, right? I'm sorry you feel that way. That's not always malicious. Some people genuinely don't know how to apologize. But let's translate it. Sometimes what it really communicates is I acknowledge that you have an emotion. Congratulations. We already knew that. An actual apology acknowledges your behavior. So try I'm sorry I said that. I'm sorry I dismissed you. I'm sorry I broke our agreement. I'm sorry I yelled. Specific accountability builds trust. Not the blanketed sentence of what? I'm sorry you feel that way. That's just a blanketed sentence. Not healthy. Not what you need, not what you want, not what I would want. So I'm sorry, but ugh okay. Then we get into this part of it. That little three letter word has murdered more apologies than I can account. I mean, I'm sorry I yelled, but B U T in all caps, you kept pushing me. I'm sorry I lied, but I knew you'd be mad. I've heard that one recently. I'm sorry I said that. But you know how I get. No. Explain context later if needed. First, own your behavior. You can have reasons without turning those reasons into excuses. And that's okay. We have to remember that. It's so hard for us to remember that though. So We have We have this thing where I like to say like the test of time is going to maybe Have reality hit. So test of time is is gonna play a big part in some of these situations. So if you're wondering whether sudden kindness is genuine, don't rush to decide. This is what I mean by the test of time. Observe for a minute. You don't have to immediately declare something. You don't have to immediately declare this person is manipulating me. Watch. Pay attention. See what actions are going to follow. And you don't have to immediately decide everything is fixed. Give it time. Sit back and watch. Observe. See if their actions are going to remain consistent. Do their actions align with their words? Do they remember the conversation when the immediate crisis passes? Do they respect the boundary? that may or may not have been said? Do they initiate healthier behavior? Do they tolerate your healing process? Do they become resentful because you're not over it quickly enough? Time reveals patterns. Pay attention, be observant, make notes. If dry mouth has you constantly reaching for water, listen up because I found something you need to know about, and that is the Rayo Oral Pouch Solutions. They're discreet, easy to use, and designed to help keep your mouth feeling comfortably hydrated without constantly sipping water or grabbing for that piece of candy that hoping it'll help. Just tuck a little pouch in the pocket of your jaw and go about your day. There's no mess, no fuss, it's discreet. Just a simple option for dry mouth relief when you need it. So if dry mouth is driving you crazy, check out the OPS Rio Pouches at Oral Pouch Solutions dot com. Your mouth might just be thanking you for it. Moisture where you need it. OPS Rio, Dry Mouth Pouches, wherever life takes you. So how do they respond to no? I like to go tell the Mo guy no. How do they respond to no? How do people respond to no in these situations? Here's another powerful test I want you to keep in your records. How does their kindness respond to no? So if somebody is being incredibly sweet and you still say, no, I'm not ready, no. I need space. No, I'm not comfortable with that. No my boundary hasn't changed to so you being sweet isn't going to fix it. What happens? Do they remain respectful? Sweet? Or does the sweetness disappear? Because genuine kindness doesn't require immediate access as payment. If their sweetness disappears, you might be looking at fake, right? Don't give immediate access. Sometimes kindness has strings attached. Well I did this for you. So I bought you dinner. Okay. I've been nice all week. Wonderful. I apologized. Yes. None of those things purchase immunity from your consequences. I remember on our family trip, and I said something to Tommy about him not being very nice or whatever. And his immediate response to me was: Well, I got a pocket full of receipts that shows how nice I am. Excuse me? None of these things purchase immunity from your consequences, dude. Healthy kindness isn't a coupon you redeem for automatic forgiveness. You can appreciate what somebody did and still need accountability. He still had accountability, right? They still have accountability. Forgiveness doesn't mean instant trust. This is especially important for faith-based listeners. Because you know, we're always being tugged at with our hearts about how forgiveness is the rule to life. Forgiveness and trust are not identical. You may choose forgiveness. Trust may still need to be rebuilt. Forgiveness can be something happening in your heart. Trust requiers. Evidence between people and reconciliation. That's a whole nother layer. Reconciliation requires participation, it requires safety, it requires change, and it requires both people. So don't let somebody use forgiveness language to rush your healing. Well, I thought you forgave me. Well I can forgive you and still need time. I can forgive you and still have boundaries. I can forgive you and still decide the relationship cannot continue in the same form. Plain and simple. I can forgive the behavior and not have to continue on in the relationship. And yep, that's frustrating in and of itself, right? Especially since you've pasted these long scripts about how things should be. in your mind the conversations that you've had and nothing right nothing happens they fake the changing and they just don't get it they don't make the change so what do you do with that So you go into A whole section of Dreams wishing, right? And then we we get stuck with the whole, well, what happens if we don't make the changes? If the person on the other side doesn't make the changes that actually need to be made to make the relationship whole again? What do you do with that information? How do you decipher the difference between genuinality with them and fakeness in that situation? Because I can tell you right now, that's heavy. It's a heavy place to be. And It's hard. It's hard to rebuild that commitment. It's some someone genuinely being committed to the rebuild. Trust can usually be rebuilt with the forgiveness. But if they're not genuine in it and you pick up hints of fakeness, they're not consistent, they don't show up repeatedly. Then You've rushed into something that maybe you should have waited a little bit more time and did the test of time. Does that make sense? I hope it does. They should understand why it takes time. You need to understand why it takes time. But I I want you guys to know and I want you to be able to convey to the other side and hopefully the other side can know that rebuilding trust isn't punishment. It's repair. But you have to rebuild the trust first, genuinely. It can be rebuilt. So think about this. Someone hurts you. Then suddenly they're kind. Before immediately deciding they're fake or everything is fixed. Pause and ask, was there accountability? Was there acknowledgement? Can I still talk about what happened? Are my boundaries respected? Is there changed behavior? Does the kindness remain when I don't immediately give them what they want? And most importantly, what does time show me? Because healthy love doesn't need to trick you into closeness. Healthy love can sit beside the discomfort. Healthy love can say, I know you're still hurt. Healthy love can tolerate consequences. Because manipulators they cannot tolerate consequences. Healthy love can apologize, they usually don't. Healthy love can learn, they usually don't. Healthy love can change. They usually love bomb and don't change. And healthy love doesn't require your you to abandon yourself just so everything can feel normal again. Did you hear that? Because I know when I say those words, somebody On the other end of this listening is going to say, crap, she just called me out. That's me. Healthy love doesn't require you to abandon yourself just so everything can feel normal again. Maybe that's the biggest takeaway of today. You don't have to abandon yourself to keep somebody else comfortable. You don't have to pretend you're okay because they're suddenly okay. You don't have to rush your healing because they're tired of talking about what happened. You don't have to accept kindness as a substitute for accountability. You don't have to accept kindness as a substitute for accountability. And you don't have to reject genuine kindness simply because you've been hurt before. You can do something much healthier. You can receive, you can receive, observe, communicate, maintain your boundaries, and let consistency tell you what you need to know. The test of time. What you need to know. So, part of something else that I want you to take away from this is kindness after conflict can be beautiful. It can be the beginning of reconnection. It can be somebody saying, I love you. I don't want us to stay disconnected. I want to make this right. Receive that when it's real. Celebrate it. Don't become so guarded that you can no longer recognize genuine care. But don't confuse kindness with accountability. Don't confuse affection with repair. Don't confuse flowers with change. Don't confuse sex with resolution. Don't confuse a good morning text with a healed relationship. And certainly don't confuse promises with patterns. That's some of the biggest problems we have as Gen Xers. We hang the sun and moon on those promises, but their pattern tells us very differently what they're gonna do. Don't confuse temporary relief with permanent change. Temporary relief with permanent change. You don't have to accuse, you don't have to diagnose, you don't have to become suspicious over every sweet gesture. That's not what I'm saying. You simply have to pay attention. Because time has a funny way of exposing what intensity can hide. Time has a funny way of exposing what intensity can hide. If it's genuine, time will help show you. If it's change, consistently, consistency rather will help show you. If it's repair, accountability will help show you. And if it's simply another reset in the same painful cycle, That pattern will eventually show you too. Your job isn't to become a detective. Your job is to stay connected to yourself, your feelings, your boundaries, your values, your reality. And remember, you can appreciate somebody's kindness and still require that accountability. You can accept an apology and still need time. You can forgive and still have a boundary that needs to be set. Boundaries to not be crossed. You can love somebody and still watch the pattern with which they're loving you back. You can hope without ignoring reality, and you can give grace without giving unlimited access. So the next time somebody becomes suddenly sweet after conflict, you don't have to panic. Didn't have this conversation for that. You don't have to melt. And you don't have to decide immediately whether it's genuine or fake. Just breathe. Receive what feels appropriate, keep your boundaries, and watch what happens next. Because the truth isn't usually found in the dramatic moment. It's found in what happens after the moment passes. When nobody's fighting, when nobody's leaving, when nobody needs to win you back. When it's just Tuesday, that's when you see it. That's when consistency speaks. That's when change becomes visible. That's when kindness stops being something you have to question. Because it's simply how you're treated. And honey, let me tell you, that is the kind of kindness we all want. Not kindness that makes you forget what happened. Kindness that helps create something healthier moving forward. Not kindness that silences your hurt, but kindness that can sit You can sit beside it. Not kindness that says get over it, but kindness that says I understand why this hurts you and I'm here and I'm going to do better. That's repair. That's growth. That's emotional maturity. And that's a relationship relationship worth building. I need a drink, y'all. As always, I'm Barbara McCormick. This is Back Porch Confessions. I appreciate you all for being here. I appreciate you all for always listening to me, for sharing me out, for telling people to listen. And if today's episode made you think of somebody, or maybe made you recognize a pattern in yourself or someone you're in a relationship with, share it. Not as an accusation, not as a see. I told you you do this. Lord, please don't send my podcast into your relationship like a hand grenade. Don't do that. We're trying to heal relationships here. We're not starting another argument before dinner. Share it because maybe, maybe it will just open a conversation. Ask each other, how do we repair after conflict? What makes you feel hurt? What makes me feel safe? What do we keep sweeping under the rug? What happens after our arguments? Do we repair or do we just reset? And what could we start doing differently? Because relationships don't need perfect people. They need people willing to look at themselves, willing to listen, willing to repair, to grow, to apologize, and to respect boundaries. Am willing to let their consistency speak louder than their promises. So until next time, protect your peace. Pay attention to the patterns. Give grace where grace belongs. And keep your boundaries where boundaries belong. And remember, sudden kindness isn't automatically fake, but sudden kindness isn't proof of change either. Consistency tells the story, not the flowers, not the sweet text. Not the big promises, not the dramatic apologies, not the amazing weekend, the pattern, the ordinary days, the ordinary Tuesdays. That's where you'll find your answer. I'll see you next time, right here on the back porch. Thank you all. I appreciate you. Gravesb41: If you're looking for beautiful, meaningful, and custom-made creations that tell a story, Little Butterfly Design and Print is where creativity and compassion come together. Cheryl specializes in personalized designs that celebrate life's most important moments, from custom shirts and prints to heartfelt gifts, memorial pieces and unique creations made just for you. Every design is crafted with intention, care, and a personal touch that you can feel. Whether you're honoring a loved one, supporting a cause, building your brand, or simply want something one of a kind, Cheryl brings your vision to life in a way that feels truly special. Little Butterfly Design and Print isn't just a business. It's a reminder that even the smallest ideas can transform into something beautiful. Support a small business that pours love into every detail. Find Little Butterfly Design and Print by Cheryl A. Harlan online and see how she can create something meaningful just for you. Hey beautiful people, it's Barbara here from Backport's Confessions. You know, I am only gonna share what I truly love. And y'all, this one's a game changer. Our Way Skin by AYXA is a simple, luxurious skincare created with real women in mind. Think clean ingredients, formulas you can see and feel, smoother texture, that healthy glow and confidence looking back at you in the mirror. Whether you're juggling family, work, or just need a little self-care moment, Ixa's products give you spa quality results right at home. I'm obsessed with Our Way Skin and the way it makes my skin feel buttery soft. Go check out Our Way Skin by Ixa at ourwayskin.com and tell them Barbara sent you because your skin deserves to be cared for your way. That's a wrap on this episode of Back Porch Confessions. Where the tea is hot, the stories are real, and we never apologize for keeping it honest. Produced and edited by the magic makers over at Zay Media. Until next time, keep your porch talk spicy and your secrets safe, mostly.