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Stop settling for fine · This Daring Adventure

• 0:03
  Welcome to This Daring Adventure Podcast, where we work on bridging the gap between where we are and where we want to be in order to live a bigger and bolder life.
• 0:14
  In this podcast, we will provide inspiration, tips, and skills you need to make your life the adventure you want it to be.
• 0:22
  Here is your host, mindset mentor and life coach, Trista Guertin.
• 0:35
  Trista: Hey, everybody.
• 0:35
  Trista: Welcome back to This Daring Adventure.
• 0:38
  Trista: So today I wanted to talk about how maybe, things aren't that bad, and maybe they're not bad enough to leave yet, but it's not good enough to stay.
• 0:55
  Trista: And it's a very particular kind of stuck, and it might be a hard kind of stuck to recognize, and it's definitely one of the hardest to sort out because nothing is terribly wrong.
• 1:18
  Trista: Your life isn't falling apart.
• 1:20
  Trista: There hasn't been some massive crisis.
• 1:23
  Trista: You're functioning.
• 1:23
  Trista: You're getting things done.
• 1:24
  Trista: You're going to work.
• 1:26
  Trista: You're answering the texts.
• 1:27
  Trista: You're buying the groceries.
• 1:28
  Trista: You're making the plans.
• 1:30
  Trista: Maybe your relationship is okay, your job is okay, your life is okay, and yet somewhere underneath all of that okayness is this little voice asking if this is it.
• 1:47
  Trista: Isn't there more out there?
• 1:49
  Trista: Aren't I meant for more?
• 1:52
  Trista: Is this what I'm really doing with my life?
• 1:56
  Trista: And then almost immediately, another voice comes in and says, "Come on, your life is good."
• 2:02
  Trista: Or maybe it's the voice of your mother you're hearing.
• 2:05
  Trista: "But you should be grateful.
• 2:08
  Trista: Other people have real problems.
• 2:10
  Trista: Don't blow everything up.
• 2:12
  Trista: Don't be ridiculous.
• 2:14
  Trista: Be realistic."
• 2:16
  Trista: And so you don't.
• 2:18
  Trista: You go back to your life, and you keep pushing down that feeling.
• 2:23
  Trista: And you get busy, and you book a holiday, you buy something, you start a new workout routine.
• 2:31
  Trista: You decide you just need to be more positive.
• 2:34
  Trista: And that probably works for a little while, but eventually it comes again.
• 2:40
  Trista: Is this it?
• 2:43
  Trista: So stay with me, because I think we need to talk about the enormous amount of time women can spend living in the space between this isn't terrible and this isn't what I want.
• 3:01
  Trista: Because those two are completely different things.
• 3:06
  Trista: And somewhere along the way, we started believing we needed a sufficiently dramatic reason to want something different.
• 3:15
  Trista: We need to justify it.
• 3:17
  Trista: It needs to be highly visible, highly understandable to everyone around us, and we need evidence.
• 3:26
  Trista: We need a case.
• 3:28
  Trista: We need to be able to stand up in the imaginary courtroom of our lives and explain to everyone why we want to change and why we're allowed to change.
• 3:44
  Trista: And it's supposed to be some big dramatic reason.
• 3:50
  Trista: And I really want to challenge that today because I don't think your life has to be unbearable before you're allowed to want more from it.
• 4:02
  Trista: There doesn't need to be some crisis.
• 4:04
  Trista: There doesn't need to be some big drama.
• 4:06
  Trista: It doesn't have to be awful for you to want to change it, for you to want more Now, listen, fine becomes very convincing.
• 4:21
  Trista: One of the reasons fine is such a dangerous place to live is because fine doesn't demand anything from you.
• 4:29
  Trista: It's the status quo.
• 4:30
  Trista: If something is truly terrible, eventually you will have to deal with it, right?
• 4:35
  Trista: There's a crisis, there's a diagnosis, there's urgency, there's drama.
• 4:40
  Trista: Something forces your hand.
• 4:42
  Trista: You have to do it.
• 4:44
  Trista: But fine, fine goes on for years.
• 4:48
  Trista: Listen, I've spoken to women who have been in the same situation for five years, 10 years, 20 years.
• 4:55
  Trista: The years go by pretty quickly, and fine will happily sit beside you on the sofa and say, "See, it's, it's not so bad.
• 5:05
  Trista: It's okay.
• 5:06
  Trista: Nothing's really wrong."
• 5:08
  Trista: And you'll sit there and you'll watch Netflix, and technically fine is right.
• 5:13
  Trista: Nothing may be really wrong.
• 5:17
  Trista: But here's the question I don't think we ask enough.
• 5:23
  Trista: Why does something have to be wrong for you to want something different?
• 5:28
  Trista: 'Cause I, I don't think it does.
• 5:30
  Trista: I think you can be grateful for your life and just want more.
• 5:36
  Trista: You wanna see what's possible.
• 5:39
  Trista: You want something different.
• 5:41
  Trista: You want a new experience.
• 5:45
  Trista: You don't need to justify that.
• 5:46
  Trista: You don't need to explain it to anybody.
• 5:48
  Trista: You can just want what you want.
• 5:52
  Trista: You can love people and want something to change.
• 5:55
  Trista: You can love people and decide that's just not the way you want to live.
• 6:01
  Trista: You can love people and decide it's just, it's just not you You can appreciate what you've built and decide that you've outgrown parts of it.
• 6:13
  Trista: You can have a perfectly respectable career and admit that you don't want to spend another 10 years doing it.
• 6:19
  Trista: You can have a good life and still feel called toward a bigger one People think it's a badge of honor to say, "You know what?
• 6:29
  Trista: I'm happy with less.
• 6:30
  Trista: I'm happy with what I have.
• 6:32
  Trista: Everything's okay.
• 6:35
  Trista: I don't need a lot."
• 6:36
  Trista: Okay.
• 6:37
  Trista: Okay But it's okay if you want more, if you want something different You can have a good life and still feel called toward something more, something bigger.
• 6:54
  Trista: Those things can exist at the same time Both can be true, but this is where so many women get stuck.
• 7:05
  Trista: They use gratitude against themselves.
• 7:09
  Trista: They say, "I should be grateful."
• 7:11
  Trista: And what they really mean is, "I really shouldn't want anything else.
• 7:17
  Trista: It'll be frowned upon."
• 7:20
  Trista: Whose voice is that in your head?
• 7:23
  Trista: Because it's not the same thing.
• 7:26
  Trista: Gratitude is different.
• 7:28
  Trista: It's I appreciate what I have And that's important.
• 7:33
  Trista: I practice that every single day.
• 7:36
  Trista: Absolutely.
• 7:38
  Trista: But resignation says, "Therefore, I shouldn't change it.
• 7:45
  Trista: Not allowed to change it.
• 7:47
  Trista: I shouldn't want to change it."
• 7:50
  Trista: And that's very different.
• 7:54
  Trista: And so what happens is you keep talking yourself out of your own life, and I see this all the time.
• 8:01
  Trista: Someone has an idea, a desire, a dream, and maybe it's tiny at first.
• 8:08
  Trista: Maybe it's something that you held long ago, and somewhere along the way you, you let it go.
• 8:15
  Trista: You thought it wasn't realistic.
• 8:18
  Trista: But maybe you wanna travel more.
• 8:20
  Trista: Maybe you wanna start something.
• 8:21
  Trista: Maybe you wanna leave something.
• 8:23
  Trista: You wanna date again.
• 8:24
  Trista: You wanna stop dating.
• 8:25
  Trista: You wanna live somewhere else.
• 8:27
  Trista: You wanna make more money.
• 8:28
  Trista: You wanna have more adventure.
• 8:30
  Trista: You wanna feel alive again.
• 8:31
  Trista: You wanna learn something new.
• 8:34
  Trista: You wanna create something, maybe for the first time ever Maybe you want to do something that's truly yours And then we put desire on trial, and it's heartbreaking because then you just land up where you started.
• 8:54
  Trista: But you think, "Is it practical?
• 8:55
  Trista: Is it realistic?
• 8:56
  Trista: What will everyone else think?
• 8:58
  Trista: What about my age?
• 8:59
  Trista: What about the money?
• 9:00
  Trista: What about the mortgage?
• 9:01
  Trista: What about my pension?
• 9:05
  Trista: What if I fail?
• 9:06
  Trista: What if I regret it?
• 9:07
  Trista: What if I make a mistake?
• 9:10
  Trista: What if I'm just having a midlife crisis?
• 9:13
  Trista: What if I'm being selfish?
• 9:16
  Trista: What if they laugh at me?"
• 9:19
  Trista: And who do I think I am?
• 9:21
  Trista: Which is such an interesting question because who do you think you are?
• 9:27
  Trista: That's actually what we're talking about We spend years of our lives thinking of ourselves as the responsible one, the sensible one, the good girl, the one everybody can depend on, the one who doesn't rock the boat, the one
• 9:44
  Trista: who makes it work, the one who can handle everything.
• 9:48
  Trista: And those qualities may have served you beautifully But they can also become a prison if you're no longer allowed to want anything that doesn't fit inside them And this is where I want you to make a really important
• 10:06
  Trista: distinction because there is a difference between being responsible and using responsibility to avoid your own desires There's a difference between being grateful and using gratitude to silence yourself.
• 10:27
  Trista: There's a difference between making a thoughtful decision and thinking about something for years because you're terrified to make one And we call all of this being reasonable.
• 10:41
  Trista: But sometimes Being reasonable is costing you your life.
• 10:47
  Trista: It's costing you your dreams.
• 10:50
  Trista: It's costing you your adventure.
• 10:53
  Trista: Not because your life is terrible, but because your life is passing.
• 10:58
  Trista: And I don't say that to be dramatic, but it's true.
• 11:02
  Trista: We have this strange idea that waiting is neutral.
• 11:04
  Trista: If we don't decide, then nothing happens.
• 11:06
  Trista: But you know what?
• 11:08
  Trista: Not deciding is actually deciding.
• 11:10
  Trista: You've made a choice, and something is happening.
• 11:14
  Trista: You're spending your time, you're spending your years.
• 11:16
  Trista: You're sh- you're practicing being the person who stays, who doesn't do it, who doesn't go after what she wants.
• 11:24
  Trista: And if you're 45 or 52 or 61 or 81, I don't think the question is, "Am I too old to change?"
• 11:33
  Trista: I think the much more interesting question is, "How much longer do I wanna keep living a life I've already admitted I don't really want?"
• 11:44
  Trista: And that's a difficult question.
• 11:46
  Trista: It's a scary question.
• 11:47
  Trista: I get it.
• 11:47
  Trista: Like, it is not easy And we stay.
• 11:56
  Trista: Now, I don't want you to hear this and think I'm telling you to quit your job tomorrow or divorce your husband and sell your house and move to Portugal.
• 12:02
  Trista: Although, moving to Portugal is a good idea.
• 12:06
  Trista: And Portugal is lovely, but that's not what I'm saying.
• 12:10
  Trista: I don't know what you should do, and good coaching isn't me telling you what you should do.
• 12:16
  Trista: But what I want to help you see is why you aren't even allowing yourself to honestly consider what you want Because there is usually something underneath the stuckness.
• 12:31
  Trista: Fear, uncertainty, guilt, other people's expectations, your beliefs about who you're supposed to be, your beliefs about what's possible for you, your beliefs about money, your beliefs about starting over, your beliefs about failure, beliefs about your future.
• 12:47
  Trista: And sometimes the biggest one is I don't trust myself to handle what happens next, and that's huge Because when you don't trust yourself to handle the consequences of a decision, staying where you are is always gonna feel safer.
• 13:05
  Trista: And even when you don't particularly like where you are, at least you know this life, you know this marriage, you know this job, you know this version of yourself, and you will talk yourself back into staying.
• 13:21
  Trista: The unknown doesn't come with guarantees.
• 13:23
  Trista: There's no certainty, and your brain loves certainty, and it loves guarantees.
• 13:28
  Trista: Your brain would love a signed document from the universe confirming, "Yes, if you do this, it will all work out beautifully.
• 13:36
  Trista: It's not a problem.
• 13:38
  Trista: Here's your guaranteed income.
• 13:40
  Trista: Here's your guaranteed relationship.
• 13:42
  Trista: Here is your guaranteed happiness.
• 13:44
  Trista: Please sign on page three."
• 13:47
  Trista: But that document is not coming, and I know that's annoying.
• 13:53
  Trista: So if your requirement for change is certainty, you're going to wait a long time, and it's normal to want that.
• 14:00
  Trista: It's one of our core human needs for certainty.
• 14:06
  Trista: But we have to override that.
• 14:08
  Trista: We have to do the work and learn how to overcome ourselves to move ourselves forward because there's very little in this life that's certain So here's what I want to offer you instead.
• 14:25
  Trista: Maybe this discomfort isn't a problem that you need to get rid of.
• 14:29
  Trista: Maybe it's information.
• 14:31
  Trista: Maybe the restlessness isn't evidence that you're ungrateful.
• 14:35
  Trista: Maybe it's that you're paying attention.
• 14:37
  Trista: Maybe the boredom isn't something to fix with another holiday or another Netflix series or another pair of shoes or another glass of wine.
• 14:47
  Trista: Maybe some part of you knows you've outgrown this.
• 14:53
  Trista: And I think that's really exciting because now we're no longer talking about what's wrong with your life.
• 15:01
  Trista: We're talking about what else might be possible, and there's a lot that could be possible And it is a completely different energy.
• 15:12
  Trista: Instead of, "Why can't I just be happy with what I have?"
• 15:17
  Trista: try, "What am I ready for now?"
• 15:21
  Trista: Instead of, "What's wrong with me?"
• 15:23
  Trista: try, "What isn't working for me anymore?"
• 15:27
  Trista: And instead of, "Shouldn't I be grateful?"
• 15:31
  Trista: try, "Can I be grateful and curious about what I want next?"
• 15:38
  Trista: Instead of what if I make the wrong decision, try what if I become someone who learns to trust herself to handle her decisions?
• 15:49
  Trista: Because this is the work.
• 15:51
  Trista: Regardless of what it is you want or what it is you wanna change, what it is you wanna learn The goal isn't to create a life where you always know exactly what to do or have the thing.
• 16:06
  Trista: It's to become a woman who knows she can figure things out.
• 16:13
  Trista: A woman who can feel uncertainty without immediately running back to familiar.
• 16:18
  Trista: A woman who can disappoint someone and survive it.
• 16:22
  Trista: A woman who can change her mind.
• 16:25
  Trista: A woman who can try something and have it not work.
• 16:30
  Trista: A woman who can want something without needing everybody else to understand why A woman who knows I can handle myself And that's freedom So you want to stop waiting for your life to force you Imagine what changes when
• 16:55
  Trista: you stop needing things to become terrible before you give yourself permission to change them.
• 17:01
  Trista: You don't need to hate your job before exploring something else.
• 17:04
  Trista: You don't need your relationship to implode before asking what you actually want.
• 17:10
  Trista: You don't need to become completely miserable before making yourself a priority, and you don't need to know exactly what the next 10 years will look like.
• 17:19
  Trista: You don't even need to feel confident.
• 17:21
  Trista: You just start becoming willing to tell yourself the truth This is where change begins, and it's not easy.
• 17:33
  Trista: But it's a very powerful exercise to be honest with yourself and tell yourself what you really want.
• 17:42
  Trista: Pull out the box of Kleenex because listen, it's a powerful exercise.
• 17:47
  Trista: You don't have to tell anybody else But tell yourself, be honest with yourself Sometimes change doesn't begin with a giant dramatic leap.
• 18:00
  Trista: It begins with honesty.
• 18:02
  Trista: I don't want this anymore.
• 18:05
  Trista: I want more of this.
• 18:07
  Trista: I wanna feel alive again.
• 18:09
  Trista: I want a new job.
• 18:11
  Trista: I want a new relationship.
• 18:13
  Trista: I wanna live in Paris.
• 18:16
  Trista: I don't know exactly what's next, but I know I don't wanna keep doing this indefinitely.
• 18:24
  Trista: And those sentences matter You matter.
• 18:29
  Trista: And once you stop arguing with what you know, you can start working with it And that's the work we do in coaching.
• 18:39
  Trista: We slow all of this down, give you a space to think and to talk about it with someone who's not invested in your decisions or what you want Right?
• 18:53
  Trista: We look at what you're thinking, what you're afraid of feeling.
• 18:57
  Trista: We look at the beliefs, the patterns that keep creating the same decisions and that same level of stuckness.
• 19:04
  Trista: We work with your nervous system so fear doesn't have to run the show, and we separate what you actually want from what you've been taught you should want, and we build that self-trust required to move 'cause I don't
• 19:22
  Trista: believe you need someone to tell you how to live your life.
• 19:25
  Trista: I believe you know deep down what you want.
• 19:29
  Trista: I think you just need someone to help you hear yourself again and show you the places where your brain is convincing you that staying small and holding back is somehow safer.
• 19:42
  Trista: You need help to stop spinning and start deciding, and that's what coaching does.
• 19:49
  Trista: So I wanna leave you with something very simple.
• 19:53
  Trista: Look at your life and ask yourself: Where am I tolerating fine because I don't think I have a good enough reason to want something different?
• 20:03
  Trista: Listen, you don't have to immediately fix it.
• 20:05
  Trista: You don't need to make a plan.
• 20:06
  Trista: You don't need to quit anything.
• 20:08
  Trista: You don't need a workbook or a new journal.
• 20:13
  Trista: Just answer the question.
• 20:15
  Trista: Honestly, where are you saying that it's fine?
• 20:20
  Trista: It's fine.
• 20:21
  Trista: He's fine.
• 20:21
  Trista: The job is fine.
• 20:22
  Trista: I'm fine.
• 20:23
  Trista: Everything's fine.
• 20:25
  Trista: When actually what you mean is, "This isn't what I want anymore," because those are very different sentences.
• 20:34
  Trista: And if you discover something, don't use it against yourself.
• 20:38
  Trista: Get curious.
• 20:39
  Trista: Maybe nothing has gone wrong.
• 20:40
  Trista: Maybe you're not broken, and there's nothing wrong with you.
• 20:45
  Trista: Maybe you're not ungrateful.
• 20:48
  Trista: Maybe you're simply at a point in your life where the version of you who created this chapter isn't the version of you who's going to create the next chapter And that brings us perfectly to next week's episode.
• 21:01
  Trista: Because one of the first things women tell me when they begin questioning all of this is, "But I don't know what I want."
• 21:09
  Trista: And next week I'm really gonna challenge that.
• 21:11
  Trista: You guys, listen.
• 21:13
  Trista: I believe that you do know.
• 21:17
  Trista: You just become incredibly good at talking yourself out of it.
• 21:21
  Trista: I would say nine times out of 10 people tell me that they don't know what they want, and then they tell me about some dream they've had or something that really lights them up, and they're completely different women
• 21:34
  Trista: when they start talking about it.
• 21:35
  Trista: Their energy changes, their expression changes, they're happy, they're lighter.
• 21:39
  Trista: It's wild I think we've just become incredibly good at talking ourselves out of it or not taking it seriously And so we're gonna talk about permission, and that changes everything.
• 21:55
  Trista: So I'll see you next week.
• 21:58
  Trista: Take care.
• 21:58
  Trista: Thanks for listening.
• 22:00
  Trista: Bye.