Latest / The Leader in You / 108. We Had a Conflict at Dinner—Here’s What Happened Next | Aric Bostick

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108. We Had a Conflict at Dinner—Here’s What Happened Next | Aric Bostick · The Leader in You

• 0:21
  SPEAKER_02: To share how you can overcome complications at work and build strong team relationships as well as the connected culture.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Leader in You podcast brought to you by EMC Leaders.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Do you notice something different?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: We are all sitting here together.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: My name is Paulina, and I co-host this podcast with amazing Dr.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Lola Gershfeld.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Hello, everyone.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's so nice to be here with you.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: And we have the wonderful Eric Bostick.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Bostik.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: Bostik, I'm gonna get it right.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: Eric, welcome back to our show.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's a privilege.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: I had such a blast the first time.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's grateful to be back and getting to hang out with you guys here in Reno.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, so we are in Reno, Nevada, actually training 250 people on the EMC process.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: Now we can't get into too much detail on who we're training, but they are medical professionals, and we are so grateful to be here.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: So Eric's joining our team for this training, and the training starts tomorrow.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: So we thought, why not make this an incredible opportunity to record a podcast for this week?
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: So here we are.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: And we were actually just at dinner all talking together, and we were talking with each other about this process and about connecting and how common it is for people when they get disconnected to just not say anything and to not bring up what happened with them and to just kind of shut down, you know, breakaway relationships or burn bridges, or I say like not respond or not call people anymore, and just kind of like, oh, I'm not interested, talk about it with someone else, complain about it, right?
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: And then disappear, and the other person like just feels they don't even know what happened.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: So we thought this would be absolutely perfect topic because we actually, as blessed as we are, were welcomed a wonderful, really wonderful conflict that occurred at dinner and were able to work through it through the EMC process, and so that really motivated and inspired us to talk about this very topic.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_02: I'll pass the mic over to you.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, thank you.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just so grateful for Eric's courage and uh determination and openness to share and dive in.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_02: Um, Eric, you just learning this process.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_02: It's been, I don't know, a few weeks, and we really connected because we both love attachment.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_02: We are so passionate.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: Eric is actually an expert in the attachment theory, and he and he speaks on this topic all over the world to all different schools and high school students, which I absolutely admire.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but this specific EMC process, the way that Dr.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: Lola created the process, it's just a new way.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so you've actually has a lot have a lot of experience in this.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's just worded differently and kind of formatted and organized differently.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: What's been your experience?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, to Lola's great point, I mean, I've been teaching attachment, sharing it with educators and corporate employees, and then at the high school level, really teaching them how to do relationships.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I recently have trained a bunch of college students about their attachment style and how it affects their leadership style.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: But the thing that I haven't had before is a process to teach others that when you're triggered, when those strong feelings come up, how to address them in a in a way that can actually create real healing, real repair.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: I've been talking about our attachment styles, been talking about how to self-regulate when we have those strong feelings.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: But this is so innovative and distinctive what you've created.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and you know, I know it's a a little bit from Sue Johnson's work, who I'm a big fan of and I've read Hold Me Tight, but to be able to be on the not only receiving end, meaning learning it, but to have some moments with you, with Paulina, to go, you know what, uh I need to practice this right now, and you to get out the book and let's go through the form.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I really not only felt seen um and supported, but really rather emotional as I felt some real healing between you and I, you know, Paulina, and really it was a lot of projection from the stuff that I actually teach, which is your early childhood stuff, it rears its head in all relationships, both personal and professional.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to add, I think sometimes like I've heard this kind of concept before, we're like the pawn pieces on a chess board, right?
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: We're like the pawn pieces, and so the healing, I think in my experience has been like whatever trauma I experienced, that you were just the piece that got to play in the the role of that healing, right?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like so many people take I I know that this is probably sounds so cliche, but they take it personally.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: They take so many things personally, right?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's their fault or they did something wrong, or is there something wrong with them?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: And yet it's like it actually brings out whatever patterns that we're experienced that have hurt us in our past.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: And then we tend to avoid them and run away, and you know, as opposed to leaning into them and having like a this tool that that we could be like, oh, this is perfect because this is how we're feeling, and we know how to navigate.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's not we don't know how to navigate and now what do we do and now we're stuck.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean you couldn't have said it any better.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And what's cool is I teach my audiences um from Stan Tuck, and you know, we hurt in relationships and we heal in relationships, so you can't do this alone.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: And what I was so grateful is for your kindness and your security to allow me to get you know activated, and you guys invited me to work through it together, and uh and not only did I deactivate, but not only had some healing, but even strengthen our bond because you know through repair the bonds get stronger.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_02: So yeah, it's for sure.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_02: Because I would I remember Palina, you were talking about a podcast you wanted to do, Love at First Fight, right?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_02: I actually have it still.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you still have it.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_02: Uh but the YouTube channel.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_02: The idea at first fight.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, exactly.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_02: I mean the idea, the fact is that when people go through the healing together, they actually become stronger in relationship as a bond.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_02: So that's why I mean Brene Brown teaches uh talk to talk about vulnerability, just people don't know how to do that.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_02: They don't know how to slow things down, they don't know how to go into that deeper little bit part and just clarify our emotions, specifically how granular we have to get, how specific we have to get in order to get that clarity and in order to get that healing to happen.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: I think one of you said it, but you said this process it works every time.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I've only done it twice, and I will say, um, both times I cried.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um I had it, but I had amazing awareness, and and I think the big thing that uh to help everybody out there is that your vulnerability, it brings people closer, not push them away, you know.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and and and unless they might have a real issue with you know ability for someone to you know be emotional or however, but it for me, I always feel closer when someone tells me how they really felt.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then it gives all of us teaching moments to go, gosh, I I don't want to, you know, because I had I was also triggering to Paulina with I raised my voice and my tone, I was very defensive.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and uh you know it reminded her of of something she'd been through.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: And when I teach to my audience, I call it time traveling.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so when I I time travel back to this, you know, little boy who says, you know, please love me.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we try and travel back to an early relationship that was hurtful.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um and it's usually from our early caregivers.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, I time traveled, and uh, but you guys got me in the moment quickly, and I give Paulina really that credit saying, You knowing the EMC process, uh your tone of voice has gone up, you're talking really fast, and all these signals are in this process to go, oh now, and that's why I tell my audience about attachment.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's like taking the red pillow of the matrix, so you can just all of a sudden and you did that.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: You just go, oh my gosh, the person with the red dress is walking by.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: You need to and it just woke me up.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm time traveling, I'm trying to, you know, make you guys, you know, see me.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: And it's really, I just wanted to be seen when I was a little boy.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I've carried this all the way into my whole life relationships.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I I've sat on a stage of 10,000 people and and only noticed the three that didn't seem to be listening.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's how ingrained that who's not seeing me, you know.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: So this process is so genius, and it really was very healing today.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very grateful.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_02: It's it's energized me.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's so cute.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's so so fun to watch how passionate you are.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: I am and I think that part of the reason is because your own personal experience, right?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: I think that you were struggling in your relationship, you're at home, and that really moved you to creating this.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Tell us a little bit more about that.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: Well, absolutely.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I was struggling, and I was like thinking about how do we get stuck like this?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I don't understand.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_02: We love each other, and also at work, mostly it was like related to work, like I don't understand.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_02: People come to work happy, and suddenly they get stuck, and I would get stuck.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_02: Like, you you know how you come to work, you're so excited, and then boom, you hit an invisible wall.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_02: How do I stop hitting the wall?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_02: Actually, Jack invited me to a couple's workshop where I heard about attachment, I heard about this Johnson's work, and about the patterns.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_02: The patterns like clicked right away because after every board meeting, I would go home and I would try try to draw the patterns.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_02: Like, how did we get off?
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_02: We have these long board meetings.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, like we have these long board meetings, and I don't understand.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_02: We come with agenda, we come with like plan, and boom, it gets off.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_02: And like, how did hijack you?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_02: Just hijack you as we talk 100% hijacks you.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_02: So I would draw these diagrams to say like who triggered whom, and when I learned about the patterns.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, it's like, oh my god, this is exactly what happens.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's so beautiful because you know, listening to Sue Johnson, um, I love in her many of her interviews that I've listened to, and she's so passionate like you are.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, and hold me tight, being able to understand that, you know, we literally get into these, she calls them those demon dialogues, and you're talking about negative cycle, and it just it's like over and over and over, and so I can feel that with my partner.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: We love each other, but why are we always fighting?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and it's the same issue where it's just I I'm triggering this deep, unhealed place, and she's triggering that and then we just and but you've gotta have a system, not just talk therapy, which is again, there's I mean, again, thank God for talk therapy, but it's going how do we but we but there's no solution without a strategy, you know?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think what's so genius about what you've done here for the work people in the workplace, and again this buys any moment of any any day, yeah, exactly.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Which is on it's repeatable as well.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, what did I do?
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Right, how did I do yeah, and then and you know, I just think uh we're so uh lucky to have this, but again, like back to what I do with schools, this should be taught so much sooner as a life skill.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and that's why one of my big passions getting this into the colleges, so that we graduate not only with an MBA and you know business, but an MBA in relationships, yes, so that we're gonna be able to manage and and not just manage people, connect with people.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then that'll be then then all that retention we want and and people willing to be more productive and come early and stay like it's gonna happen naturally because of the bond.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes, the bond the bond is the key.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: My dad um opened a relationship university.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh wow.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: Did you hear about that?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: I did not know that.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta meet this jacket.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: And it's really that's kind of like his vision of this is like training, certifying people or training people where they can earn this degree in relationship.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: In relationship.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, see, I I'm telling you, my I literally hit the jackpot just meeting you because again, you know, you're a visionary and all the things that you're doing.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I know you're passionate about what you're doing.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: I just think, I mean, gosh, that's just And you're also passionate about that.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, what are we what are we doing?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: If I I will tell people all the time, I go, we put a man on the moon and we can't figure out how to talk to each other.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or and when I talk to teachers, I say, think about uh an Olympian works for most of their life for this one moment to dive into a pool or jump over a bar, but we won't spend 30 minutes to figure out how to do a dinner with my daughter.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, and make sure I know how she feels and attuned and let's get this right.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I mean I I we I think we got our priorities, you know.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: And if I reflect back on to our dinner that we just had, like I can't even imagine if there's anyone out there that's that does it like we do.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like that was I think if we could be in the Guinness World Book of Records for having the most effective conflict conversation instantaneously.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean because right, people get upset and then it like takes them weeks and weeks to recover or weeks and weeks.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: There are people that don't skip for years.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: You're right, we in a matter of experience 15 minutes.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I know.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: In a map, I got escalated, you went through that.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: You go lock and load, and then you were kind enough to both of us were willing to let's do the work open to work communicate.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: And by the end of that 15 minutes, I mean I've teared up, we've looked at each other and said, really, again, I hear you and I value you, and thank you for you know being so courageous.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: But it wasn't just like apologizing and then not understanding what was going on on the deeper level, like not understanding because yeah, you can say sorry, right?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: And um we ha even had that conversation at the dinner table too, and it's like we can say that, but we miss really getting clarity.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: We want to be clear, and when we get that clarity, we start to understand each other, right?
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: And that's where the connection starts to happen.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh, you become closer, like that's really interesting.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know that about you, or you didn't know that about me, you know what I mean?
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so and you know, and I want to take a moment just to give your you know, Dr.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Lola a lot of credit that it was her that I was, you know, kind of it activated, right?
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: And you stayed very calm.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you weren't active, you were not triggered.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I what I got to witness in that moment was her security.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Very few people can be like, hey, someone's kind of coming at me, and you just smiled and you know.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: And she said, It makes sense.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: You're just gonna be able to do that.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I was not dismissed at all.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I mean that that uh this process is so in your DNA now.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's just like it's in your your neural pathways.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_02: This is I can do this with you.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_02: No, but I went I couldn't do it with my granddaughter.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: No, I was thinking, I think because you did a session, you had a conflict and immediately did a session and became closer.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, so she was not triggered.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, she was familiar, and so I don't know.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_02: But uh and I and also think with with my granddaughter, you know, she's uh she's more like a withdrawer, uh where Eric is a pursuer on a reason.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_02: She really likes that.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: I love that I actually sense that I do sense that.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I'm a pursuer.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know pursuers usually do pretty good together.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, because we don't get off the dance floor.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_02: We can fight, we can argue, but we never get off the dance floor.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_02: And why?
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_02: Because we we are actively we are actively fighting for our relationship with those drawers.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yes, but we were drawers.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: I feel attacked.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, you yeah, you you I mean, I thought, but you hung in there really well, you know.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you just went in the river just for a brief moment.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you just yeah, you know, but you're right.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, interesting.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'd be like floating over there right now, but I was like, You were having all the withdrawal thoughts.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and then you but you brought yourself back to the city.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_02: That was very proud of you.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_02: That you was you were amazing.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_02: You stayed and you she was engaging, she was responsive as you were sharing.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_02: She did the cream, you know, that was amazing.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, to me, it was like dream come true.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, if you guys are experiencing conflict, don't be afraid of it.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_02: Have a process.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, have a process because with the EMC with the EMC form, you don't get lost.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_02: That's what the most important thing.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_02: And and uh the funny thing is, like both of you wanted to share more stories, and I would bring you back to the to the process.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because I feel like we were connecting in the different levels.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, but we still needed to win.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: We did that when you left to the back.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, we got to know each other better.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_02: No, we said all the things you didn't let us say.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_02: But what I'm saying is that this process um gives you the security that you know where to go.
• 17:51
  unknown: Right.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_02: You don't miss a step and you know you know you're not gonna miss a step, and you know you know that you're gonna get there.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_02: No matter what.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_02: You're gonna take the the people you're working with and you're gonna bring them back to connection.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I imagine they're wondering what are the steps?
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Is there a way for you to summarize just like uh in 60 seconds?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that does great.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, like what step one, two, three, four.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: For those of us that are.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: Well, that's why I like this form, and we were talking about this actually at dinner too, is eventually when you um embody this form and it becomes just like imprinted into your brain, then you can just go to this type of conversation.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: But it's pretty much identifying your trigger is step one, identifying your raw spots, step two.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: So you that's what's great about this too, is you could just fill in the blank, you know.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um number three is identifying your surface softer and primary emotions.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: And then recognizing like what was the image when you felt that way.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_01: Which is really powerful, yeah.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: And then where you felt it physically, which for me I think should always be first.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: By the way, I was gonna tell you that.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_01: Because you feel it first physically if you're not aware of how you're getting disconnected.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_01: I feel it first physically, and then I'm like that's a signal to me.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, oh shoot, yeah, okay.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: I s notice my heart is starting to beat fast.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm starting to get like heat inside me.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so that then I'm like, oh, there's something going on.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: And then I become curious.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, I agree with you 100%.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: That may be something that as you can, I know you said there's so many iterations of this.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: But I will say, for me, when I have the still face, where I thought, you know, you know, and again, you never make the other person wrong because the truth was she's tired, yeah, sick for three days.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Uh uh.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: And my biggest, and my partner knows a bit about me too, that I will misread faces all the time.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because and when I took it from an attachment point of view, as a child, I was neglected so often that I was not the center of the universe.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: So as an adult, I kind of think I'm in the center of the universe, so I take everybody personal.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: When it's never personal, so I just took something personal that was not personal.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: What I what I wish I could have done is say, hey, are you okay?
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: You seem like you're and you could have said, I've been sick for three days.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: Oh well that explains it.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that explains it.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm taking it personal, like, someone's Pauline's not the same way when we met on the podcast.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought it'd be, you know, and so then my feeling, where you're talking about how you had a feeling, was the hurt stomach.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's been always like as a kind of body keeps a score, kind of which I love that book.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're right.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: You had a feeling, I also had a feeling.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: But what I wish I could have done is, oh, I'm having a feeling maybe I should ask you how you're doing, yeah.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: Rather than trying to get my needs met.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: But that's more of the anxious attachments.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like Paulina's.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like I was saying, yeah, like I was regulating and then I said, wait, you're feeling like you're not judged because I can notice the signs, right?
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you as soon as you said that, I already started to I felt like I started to calm.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_01: And actually take it back about changing the form, you know why?
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_01: Because sometimes we recognize it physically, but we it's so painful.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: So we cannot say it out loud, right?
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_01: No question.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_01: Until we recognize exactly what is triggering us.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_01: Then that same feeling comes up.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_02: The three levels of emotions to relieve it so it's not as heavy.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because it becomes so intense that we can't say it.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_01: So then it's like your worst fears, and then you talk about your automatic thoughts, your automatic behaviors.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: And then what you need emotionally.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_02: What you need attachment, right?
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_02: Because in the moment when we get triggered, we lose that sense of attachment in that moment.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_02: We either get abandoned or rejected, because rejection is number one fear for us.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_02: So as you were seeing at Palina's still face, you were getting rejected in that moment.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_02: As a rupture.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_02: That creates a like a dis disconnection, distress for you.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_02: So, in a way, what we're doing here is we re-attaching each other.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_02: We are reconnecting here.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_02: We are um reconfirming the message.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_02: She's whoever is listening to this.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_02: showing the form in in our YouTube.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_02: So if you want to see the form, yes, go to our YouTube channel, EMC Leaders.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_02: But uh we are actually yeah we are re as reconfirming the attachment significance in this step six.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah and step seven that's your favorite part.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_02: That's my favorite part because we we demonstrate what some of the positive emotions you feel as you hear the other person.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_02: And this is an amazing example of how quickly you regain your balance and you start to feel hopeful and optimistic and happy it's exactly what happens in a still face experiment.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_02: As soon as the m mother comes back boom the baby plays again.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: I mean they go downstairs brain upstairs brain yeah it's just like amazing.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: Oh I'm okay with you then I'm okay with me.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_02: Because it demonstrates how impactful people are how much they care about each other how much they matter to each other to corregulate their distress when they get disconnected.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_02: So this is an amazing and then what can you do?
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_01: That's box eight my least favorite question actually yeah what can you do?
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_02: Because again you want to be able to connect how important the reassurance comes in and how it makes you feel and now you got you're back to yourself in that moment.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know the thing that I want to say is to anyone watching the best byproduct of all this in addition to getting back online and reconnecting is you learn so much more about the person.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like you shared the image that you had of there in that moment like I'll never forget that image and I and it makes me even more inspired to be safe to to self-regulate to be attuned to be to think before I I speak you know um to not to come into my relationships you know about connection rather than getting my own needs met you know and so I I I really just value that every the two times I've gonna do it and I look forward to doing this many more times is uh it's cathartic but also you're you're gonna find out more and more about this person that you think you know and we're all a mystery you know that we're just layers upon layers upon layers.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: And you and it speeds up the speed of trust you know that like as the Covey kind of talks about but I don't think you can get a speed of trust through anecdotal like this gets you knowing each other a lot faster.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly is there anything else you want to add?
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: I just had to run out and get your MC journal today.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: Amazon I'm just kidding.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_01: Well we are so grateful for this opportunity to come on here and share with you our personal conflicts that we experience because we're human even though we learn this we still get into different conflicts and it's just how we navigate through them to reconnect and create stronger and very healthy thriving relationships.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: So Eric we're very grateful for you being here with us in Reno and we're grateful that you are open to this and that you're so interested and passionate about this work and that you're traveling the world teaching this and Dr.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: Lola we're so excited that you're here of course I'm so excited and we're both we're just all so thrilled to be here sharing this process with you guys and of course we're so grateful for you for those of you who are listening to us for those of you who watch our YouTube channel for those of you who are just as passionate dedicated and committed to the practice of learning how to have thriving relationships at work.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_02: We appreciate you and we love you we'll see you next week thank you bye thank you everyone for listening it's a joy to share these podcasts with you.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_02: Be sure to check out our previous podcast and subscribe to join us at our next podcast of the leader in you brought to you by EMC leaders taking care of the things you care about.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_02: Until then be well and be focused on your relationship with you